Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jared Kleinman became convinced from a young age that he was going to die alone. From a purely statistical standpoint, you either died in a relationship, died widowed, or died single, and two out of three of those options meant dying alone. Take into account that in a relationship you have a roughly 50% chance of being the one who survives longer, and the fact that not everybody on earth enters a relationship, and in pure mathematics he was more than 50% certain to die alone.

But it wasn’t just mathematics either. Jared Kleinman knew that any schmuck could stumble into a relationship, but he also knew that he wasn’t any schmuck. When all the young boys chased around the girls at recess as a game, he couldn’t help but wonder why. And eventually, when his peers grew up and the game turned into flirting and courting and dating, he still couldn’t understand why, try as he might. On the rare occasion someone asked who his crush was, he had no answer for them. As far as he could tell, he’d never had a crush.

He had friends, and people he desperately wanted to be friends with, but time had conspired against him to tear them all apart. This desire for friendship he felt sometimes was strong, but he didn’t think it was anything like a crush. So, when at a young age he realized he probably didn’t get crushes like other people, Jared had become convinced that he was going to die alone.

He was decidedly not okay with this, but he didn’t really see what he could do about it. He couldn’t force himself to like someone else; that wouldn’t be fair to them or to himself. In a lot of ways the whole thing scared him, but he took comfort in the knowledge that he had plenty of time to come to grips with that, and to maybe even become okay with the whole dying alone thing. Until then, he distracted himself. 

School was more than enough of a distraction most of the time, and he’d taken up various hobbies over the years. He was almost half good at guitar and piano, his room was littered with almost decent attempts at abstract watercolor paintings, he knew enough about sewing to mend his own clothes if necessary, and he was surprisingly adept at coding. But mostly, he discovered he was actually a pretty competent writer. And people would pay pretty well for pretty competent.

Most people didn’t know he wrote. But for the few who did, he was open for business. He had rules and failsafes in place. He wasn’t gonna get caught, and he wasn’t going to be scammed. He knew how much his writing was worth and he knew his clients didn’t. And his clients knew not to tell anybody Jared hadn’t pre-approved, and he only approved a very select few. The people he let know weren’t exactly his friends, but they were people he knew he could trust, either from a past as friends, or because of their trustworthy reputation. Jared was supposed to control every aspect of this, from what he wrote to who even knew he wrote.

Which is why at this very moment, Matt Holtzer knew he was in deep shit.

“You fuckin’ kidding me, Holtzer?” Jared was quickly bouncing his pencil on the library table.

“Calm down, Jared, it’s not what you think.”

“I told you, you don’t tell anybody without my say so. And you’re not even gonna tell me who it is?” If Jared could’ve, he would’ve given Matt an icy glare. As it was, they were sitting back to back, as per Jared’s own protocol. He didn’t think it actually made his operation any safer, but it made it feel cooler.

“He told me not to tell you who he was until he’d decided whether he needed your services. He’s a good kid, Jared.”

“Good kids tell the teacher and get me caught, Matt.”

“Not like that. Quiet, trustworthy, honest. He’s never let a secret slip.”

“Yeah, right.”

“He knew I was gay nine months before I told you, Jared.” Jared stopped bouncing the pencil. If Matt was to be believed, Jared knew Matthew Holtzer was gay some three months before he came out to anyone else, including his own family. And Jared had heard no rumors of this before Holtzer told him. This kid sat on what was potentially the biggest secret of the senior class for a year. And he clearly hadn’t told a soul. 

Jared sighed. “Fine. I’ll let it slide. This time.” As he said this he carefully slipped the paper into Matt’s backpack. “But if I go down, you go down, too. Remember that. And I’m going to need a name if that happens.”

“Thank you. You’ll get a name if that happens. But it’s not going to happen. Trust me on this.” With that, Matt Holtzer stood up, grabbed his backpack and walked out of the library. Jared bounced his pencil a few more times.

“Fuckin’ good kids,” he mumbled under his breath.

“What about ‘em?” a familiar voice asked, sitting down across from him.

“They’re gonna get me in trouble.”

“When have I ever gotten you in trouble?”

“Come on, you know I don’t mean you, Alana.” Jared paused. “Though, I will say, I’ll never understand why you haven’t ratted me out yet.”

Alana shrugged. “It would be way more boring without you to talk to at lunch. So, why are you in trouble?”

“Matt Holtzer told someone new about my ‘business’. And he won’t tell me who he told.”

“Really?” Alana said, bewildered. “Well, it’s Matt. I’m sure he has a good reason. And he wouldn’t hurt you. He’s your friend.”

“Yeah, not really though. I don’t really have friends. Kinda the point of why I eat lunch with you.”

“Come on, Jared. You have friends.”

“Not anymore.”

“But that implies you used to.” Jared wasn’t quite sure what Alana’s point was.

“I mean, yeah. Of course. I had friends once.” Jared thought about it. Him and the other boys hanging out. Before they all started chasing the girls and ignoring him. “A best one, even.”

“...Well? What happened?” Alana asked, as if she’d discovered some new piece of secret lore. Jared gave her a sideways glance.

“Time is not on our side, Alana.” He paused, realizing as he said the words he’d have to backtrack. “Not as in like, we don’t have a lot of time or we need to do something in a quick amount of time, but as in like, it doesn’t like us. Nothing can truly stand the test of time; time laughs at our silly, short, insignificant lives.”

“Wow. You’re probably the most depressing of my close acquaintances.”

“Yeah. That’s probably why I’m gonna die alone.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Just a feeling I get.” Jared paused, contemplating. “Time tears all things apart, Alana.” Before Alana could respond, the bell rang. “Including us, apparently.” He grabbed his backpack. “I take it I’ll see you on Friday?”

“Nowhere better to be,” she replied casually. “See you then.” The two parted ways, heading for their respective classes. Jared was still disgruntled by Matt’s choice. It almost felt like…

A betrayal, maybe? That was a pretty strong emotion for this. He wasn’t sure if he felt that strongly about anybody. But still he didn’t like information about himself spreading. He didn’t want to attract attention. He wanted to be liked, sure, but not noticed. It was a contradictory feeling, but he wondered, didn’t everybody feel this way sometimes?

Jared pondered these thoughts often, and often when he should be focusing on other things. As he mentally planned to look up that quote about the terrifying deal of being known when he got home, he bumped into somebody.

“Oof!”

This ordinarily would’ve been an embarrassing, but relatively benign moment. But it took him two seconds to realize that he had just bumped into Connor Murphy. As he realized this, Connor pushed him, sending Jared backwards as he struggled to regain his balance.

“Fucking watch where you’re going!”

“Sorry! Jeez, no need to freak out over it.” Jared mumbled the last part under his breath, but Connor heard it all the same.

“You think I’m a freak?”

“That’s not what I – ”

“You’re the fucking freak!” With this, Connor shoved Jared again, sending him to the ground.

Jared considered staying there on the ground as Connor stormed off. He really wasn’t looking forward to class, and frankly getting up at this point in the day would just be a waste of effort. But he would have to get up eventually. He sighed to himself, cursing his own tendencies toward punctuality.

“Hey, are you okay?” an approaching voice said. Jared saw a hand reach out. “Let me help you up.” Well, he certainly wasn’t going to refuse the help. He grabbed the hand and slowly stood up, only struggling to stand a little.

“Thanks.” As he said this, he finally got a good look at who was helping him. Unfortunately, he knew this face too well.

“I’m sorry about how my brother pushed you. He’s a complete psychopath.”

Jared shook his head. “No worries. I’ve had, like, ten classes with him since second grade, so. I get it.” Jared turned to leave, but before he could, the girl stopped him.

“Jared, right?”

Jared was a little dumbfounded by this. How did Zoe Murphy know his name? He knew hers because he knew Connor, and because… because of the last friend he had. But as far as he could tell, she had no reason to know who he was. It was baffling.

Soon, he realized he hadn’t actually replied yet. “Yep. And you’re Zoe Murphy.” Jared felt awkward. Like, so awkward that if he was trying to be awkward it wouldn’t be nearly this awkward. He had no clue what to say. So he just blurted out, “Honestly, I’m more sorry for you. You have to live with… that.”

Zoe gave a dry chuckle. “You have no idea.”

“Right. Well, I’ve gotta get to class,” Jared said bluntly.

“Me too. But I’ll see ya around, Jared,” Zoe said with something of an apologetic smile.

“Yeah, maybe.” Jared muttered as he walked off. He really hoped that that wouldn’t be the case.

He didn’t hate Zoe. He didn’t even really know her. But he felt something, and it was… about her? Related to her? Because of her? He wasn’t sure. All he knew is that the last time he discussed Zoe Murphy, he had lost a friend. So he didn’t want to think about her. But he couldn’t stop his thoughts, and the more he thought, he realized something: he didn’t have any friends any more.

So why did he still feel so conflicted about her?

“If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known,” Jared read aloud. It was a good line. But Jared still didn’t understand something. “How the fuck did this whole thing start with an email about goats?” Jared had realized a few years ago that despite speaking it for all of his life, he would never understand the English language and how language conveys ideas in general. 

This had unfortunately sapped any curiosity he’d had about the English language. Learning that the thing that confused him was way more complicated and confusing than he could’ve ever imagined was not a great motivator for Jared. But around the same time, he’d discovered he didn’t have to be interested in something to be good at it. And he was pretty good at it.

He didn’t make much money from selling his words, but it was enough. Probably more than he would make at any minimum wage job in town, depending on the week. He liked to think of himself as carefully plotting for his future, saving money with a more lucrative job than he could get in this town, but deep down he knew he was awful with money and frankly too lazy to fill out any real job applications. And he tended to spend all his hard earned cash over the summer months; he barely had anything left as it was. But with school back in session, he was making money again. He’d gotten twenty-five dollars from Matt this morning.

Matt. Jared had almost forgotten. Matt had told someone who might want to use his services. And had refused to tell Jared who it was. Looking back, Matt hadn’t even told Jared how the kid was supposed to contact him. Should he be expecting an email, or a text? Would he be approached at school?

The whole thing filled Jared with anxiety. Like, literal anxiety, he realized. Like, his brain was actually panicking anxiety. He had to figure it out.

He knew he needed to start moving. He stood up and began pacing around his room. It wasn’t the same as walking around the block, but it would do for now. It calmed him down enough that he remembered he needed to breath, because his breath was getting short. He had to remember that special breathing. Was it supposed to breath in for five seconds, hold for seven… No, in for four, hold for six and out for seven? In for four, hold for eight and–

"No, it’s inhale for four, hold for seven, and exhale for eight.”

“And that really works?”

“It works for me.”

“Do the numbers mean anything?”

“I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. But I’ve always felt they’re a bit arbitrary.”

“The placebo effect: A wonderful thing.”

“Jared!”

“I’m just saying, a solution that’s all in your head is a great solution for a problem that’s all in your head.”

“Of course it’s in my head. Where else would anxiety reside? The gallbladder?”

“...Okay you have a point there. But why the exercise thing?”

“Okay, that one my therapist explained really well. Basically, anxiety is a physical reaction, so you have to respond physically.”

“...I’m not sure I get it.”

“It’s like… an internalized fight or flight. Your brain thinks you’re in danger. So if you run, or literally walk from one location to another, it will think you’ve outrunned the danger and you can then think about the problem rationally.”

“Wow. Brains are weird.”

“You’re weirder.”

“Rude!”

“Haha, ha– Hahahaha!”

“Oh, you’re gonna need more than a placebo to help you when I’m through with you!”

Strangely, the memory had brought him down. Or maybe it was the pacing. Or the breathing. But he was fine now, basically. It was an odd memory, and he’d wondered where he’d pulled it from. Must’ve been a while ago, from when they were still friends. It was one of the few times he’d gotten a laugh from the boy– a real one, not a nervous one. It felt good.

Remembering this friendship was kind of a tightrope for Jared. There were good things that happened, yes, but there were times where things were bad. Usually, he’d made things bad for the both of them. Except for that last time, when they’d talked about–

He didn’t want to think about Zoe Murphy. He didn’t want to think about his past. He didn’t want to think about Matt Holtzer. He just wanted today to be over and done with.

The doorbell rang. He groaned, not wanting to sign for a package or tell some rando that his parents weren’t home or deal with anybody who might try to convert him. He didn’t know who was at the door, just that he wanted them gone. He ignored it. But it rang again. And again. Each time was a longer wait than the last, which struck Jared as odd. And each ring seemed calculated, carefully thought through. A gentle but long press and release. He stood up and headed towards the front door. He opened the door, blinking in the sunlight for a few seconds before his jaw dropped. He had no way of preparing for who was standing in front of him.

“Hey… Jared.” The boy was fiddling with the bottom of his shirt, avoiding looking at him. But Jared would recognize him anywhere.

“Evan.”

Chapter Text

Jared had never fully understood how he and Evan had gotten along so well. He supposed part of that was just forced exposure; Heidi had been friends with Jared’s parents since college, and none of them had ever really had any other adult friends, so it made sense that he and Evan saw each other so much. And it wasn’t like he and Evan had nothing in common. Both were jewish, and were possibly the only jewish boys in their school district. They were alright with physical activity but they hated sports, and quite frankly both would’ve preferred to spend recess reading (though Evan preferred general fiction and Jared preferred Sci-Fi and, later, books on technology). Both were really emotional as kids and had taken to hiding it with apathy as teenagers, and, most importantly to Jared, Evan was the only other boy not stupid enough to go chasing after any of the girls.

Until he saw Zoe Murphy.

Suddenly, Jared stopped seeing the similarities and could only see the differences, the reasons they had to be friends. It was like they’d never had a choice in the matter. The resentment grew, until a remark turned into a conversation, and the conversation turned into an argument. Jared went home knowing that was the worst moment of his life. He just wanted to go to his room and sleep forever. But when he got home, his parents were sitting at the dining room table, stony expressions on their faces.

Two minutes later, Jared had another similarity between him and Evan: both of their parents were divorced. And he couldn’t even tell him.

The worst moment had just turned into the worst day. And he hadn’t even spoken to Evan since then.

Until now.

“No offense, but like… what the fuck are you doing here?” After Jared had said his name, Evan had kind of shrunk and hadn’t said anything. This wasn’t what he’d expected from seeing Evan again. He expected lots of emotions and anger and indignation. Instead it was just… awkward.

“Oh. Um…” Evan was saying it like he’d forgotten. Like he’d been lost in the awkwardness of it too. “I, uh, came to see you. Actually. Um. Talk to… you.” Jared’s expression went blank. Somehow, this blindsided him. He didn’t know why. Seeing Jared’s face, Evan panicked. “Unless now is a bad time, because, like, I can, I can, like, um totally come back later and, and, and explain it later, it’s not, it’s not like, a big deal or whatever.”

“Evan, just tell me what you want.” Jared was used to Evan’s fast paced talking. He used to see it as a sign of how quick his brain moved. Now he just found it annoying.

Evan didn’t answer. He avoided looking at Jared directly. He opened his mouth a few times, but closed them without any information being passed along. Jared recognized this body language. Evan wanted to explain, but didn’t know where to begin. Clearly, this had been a stressful thing for him to do. Not that Jared particularly cared at this point, but clearly if he wanted Evan to just say what he was going to say and stop bothering him, he would have to get Evan to chill out.

Jared sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Why don’t you come on in?” he said, standing aside to let Evan in. Evan quickly nodded and stepped inside, murmuring out something approximating a thanks. Stepping inside, he finally got a good look at the place.

“Whoa,” Evan whispered. Jared was confused by this for a second. Everything seemed to be in its place, nothing out of the ordinary. Then he realized Evan hadn’t been to his house since the divorce.

“Oh. Yeah. Mom took a lot of stuff when she moved out.” Evan stayed still for a few seconds, flabbergasted. It made Jared more uncomfortable than he cared to admit. He coughed, more to break the silence than anything. “Come with me to the kitchen. I’ll make you a snack.” He knew the snack would distract Evan as well as calm him down, making it easier for him to get to the goddamn point of why he was there in the first place.

Evan awkwardly followed Jared as he led him to the kitchen. He still seemed transfixed by how different things were, though not much had even changed in the kitchen. Jared rolled his eyes as he opened the pantry to find… basically nothing.

“Dad…” Jared muttered under his breath. His dad clearly hadn’t gone shopping, as per usual, and Jared hadn’t had time with school starting up again, and his dad had gone and eaten all of the chips he’d bought the other week. Jared reckoned he’d have to start hiding snacks in his room. He desperately looked for something, when he looked at the ground and saw a container of popcorn kernels. Thinking quickly, he pulled that out along with some oil, sugar, and salt. Evan seemed surprised at Jared’s efficiency as he set all the ingredients on the counter and grabbed a pot from a cabinet.

“Um. Uh, what- what are you, what are you doing?” Evan asked.

“Don’t worry about it.” Jared poured in the oil and a few test kernels. Evan kept looking around the room, taking in the changes.

“It’s… dull. Like, less colorful,” Evan commented. Though Jared was used to it by now, he agreed with Evan, and the change had shocked him when his mom moved out.

“Yeah. My dad doesn’t have an aesthetic bone in his body,” Jared lamented. The test kernels popped. He quickly put the rest of the popcorn and the sugar.

“But I like this!” Evan quickly said, pointing to the colorful fruit bowl on the table. The vibrant blues, greens, and teals fascinated Evan, swirling into each other and colliding in a striking visual that he found calming. Eventually, Jared looked at what he was talking about and chuckled.

“Actually, I picked out that piece.” He turned back to the popcorn, which was beginning to pop.

“That would make a lot more sense.”

For just a fraction of a second, Jared forgot that this was the weirdest, most uncomfortable situation he’d ever been in. He quickly moved to make sure the popcorn was evenly coated. When the pot looked full, he carefully turned off the heat and poured the popcorn into a bowl, lightly sprinkling salt on top. He put the bowl on the table as Evan looked at him, perplexed.

“Kettle corn. Take a seat. Dig in.” Jared took the ingredients back to the cabinet as Evan cautiously tried some of it, sitting down when he realized how good it was. Jared returned, put the pot in the sink to soak, and then sat opposite Evan, who was by now happily eating it.

“So,” Jared said, grabbing a handful of the kettle corn, “what’s going on?”

“Um,” Evan gulped. “I guess… I kinda need your help with something.”

“Okay, so… what is it?” Jared was getting uncomfortable and impatient.

“So… um…” Evan hesitated. “Matt told me you write things. Sometimes.” Evan looked at Jared cautiously. Jared was too confused to react for a few seconds.

“You’re the guy Matt Holtzer told?”

“Uh… yeah?” Evan coughed. Hared was still confused. This raised so many more questions than it answered.

“Well, that’s… a surprise,” Jared said, trying to figure it out.

“Yeah. Uh… yeah.”

“Probably not English…” Jared muttered. No matter, if Evan was a customer, it didn’t matter why he needed it. “Arts and the humanities are five dollars a page, STEM subjects are seven dollars a page, one page in any subject is a flat ten, and I don’t do papers over ten pages.”

“Uh, that’s not, I mean, I get why… But I don’t, it’s, um… it’s not a paper,” Evan finally managed to say.

“What the hell do you mean it’s not a paper? If it’s not a paper, why are you–”

“It’s a letter,” Evan blurted out. “It’s um,” he cleared his throat, trying to find the words, “it’s a letter.”

Jared eyed him with suspicion. “Why do you need my help with a letter?”

“I um, well I just can’t– you see the thing is, it’s a little funny because, uh, it’s funny…” As Evan fumbled for words, Jared kept snacking on the popcorn. He wanted to be done with this, but Evan’s stuttering was making it impossible, as usual. Finally Evan realized something. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a folded piece of notebook paper. He handed it to Jared, averting his eyes.

Jared quizzically took the paper and unfolded it. Before it was entirely unfolded, he could already tell it was filled with words and phrases that had been crossed out multiple times over. Clearly, Evan needed no help finding words, but in settling on their order. Jared unfolded the paper one last time, expecting to read the words to try and decipher what exactly Evan wanted from him.

He only needed the first two.

Dear Zoe,

Jared lowered the paper and looked at Evan, furious.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jared said. Evan looked up at this. “You have to be fucking with me. That’s the only explanation, the only possible reason–” Jared laughed, for a second, a cold and cruel laughter usually reserved only for himself. “I’m not writing a love letter for Zoe Murphy.”

“Jared…”

“I mean, first of all, I have no idea how I’d even charge for this. I don’t do letters, I do papers.”

“I’ll pay whatever you want, I just–”

“And then there’s the fact that this is a love letter, which should only ever come from the person who actually gives a damn about the recipient.”

“I’m trying to explain–”

“But mostly, you’d have to be fucking insane to thing that I would help you write a letter to Zoe Murphy of all people.”

“And you’d have to be fucking insane to think I’d come here if it wasn’t my last option,” Evan spat out. “Okay? You think I don’t know how ironic this whole thing is? How much I wanted to avoid this? I need help.”

Jared stood up, walking over to him. “Well, I don’t know how you figure that. You’re clearly not at a loss for words,” he said, shoving the paper back in Evan’s hands. He walked away from the table, intending to head to his room.

“Jared, please. I wouldn’t be here if this wasn’t my last option.” Evan stood up to follow after Jared. He grabbed Jareds wrist, and at this Jared turned around and Evan quickly let go. But he continued. “Please. I… I don’t know what to do. I love her. And… I just see her and I ache inside, and I… I have to tell her something.” Evan’s face had fallen. Jared could tell he wasn’t exaggerating his pain. “I have to do something, but I’m an idiot, and I can’t find the words. But this ache… it’s killing me. It’s killing me and I don’t know how to keep living with this. So please… help me.”

Jared shook his head, disgusted. “News flash, asshole: that’s life. You meet people, you unmeet them, you form different kinds of feelings for them, you hurt them, they hurt you, and you have to keep fucking living. So nut the fuck up. Life is being hurt by others and living in spite of it. The sooner you learn that, the better.” He looked at Evan, expecting the sad look on his face to get worse. Instead, he saw anger.

“You know, I don’t have to offer to pay you. I could just tell the school what you’re doing.”

Jared sneered. “Are you threatening me?”

“I’m just saying, we both know the school has a zero tolerance policy on plagiarism.” It was almost laughable.

“Oh, ho, ho! Then you had better get some solid proof before trying to blackmail me. I doubt that hearsay from Matt Holtzer is gonna cut it. And if you even think of telling the school whatever you think you know about my writing, you better be prepared to gamble your own life. I know things about you, remember? Things I could tell people…”

“You wouldn’t.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t. But if some idiot wrongheaded-ly tried to sever one of my only avenues to express financial freedom, one of the only ways my dad and I make money, I might just get pissed off enough to say a few things about it.”

At Jared’s outburst, Evan’s expression softened. The two stared at each other, silent for a few moments.

“I’m sorry, Jared. I-I didn’t mean to…” Evan trailed off, unsure how to finish the apology.

“Well, you did,” Jared said succinctly. “Now get the fuck out of my house.” Evan hesitated, trying to find something to say. Eventually he just turned around and walked out the front door. In the midst of the anger, Jared felt a pang of sadness. He didn’t dwell on it. Evan was still the same asshole Jared thought he was. And this had proven it over again.

He sat back down with the kettle corn and got to work on homework, alone again.

The next morning was a sort of organized chaos, the way it had been for the past few years. He woke up, got dressed and walked to the kitchen, where his dad was already up and in the middle of his own routine.

“Morning, Jared,” his dad said, distracted

“Morning, Dad,” came Jared’s tired reply. He and his dad moved around each other through the kitchen, like a choreographed dance as Jared grabbed breakfast and his father grabbed coffee. The morning was the one time they were in each other’s way, and Jared was quite frankly fine with that.

“You were out late,” Jared observed. It had been about midnight when he’d heard his father come back. “Hot date?” His dad chuckled at this.

“Yeah. Julia Roberts. Would’ve introduced her to ya, but it was so late.”

“Damn shame,” Jared said as he made his way to the fridge. “I loved her in…” he paused to think for a moment. “...Ocean’s Eleven? I guess?” Jared’s dad chuckled.

“And what about you, Jared? Any hot dates last night? Or in the future?”

“No, alas, my beauty is too much for them to behold, and they must admire it from a distance,” Jared said melodramatically, gesturing to his body.

“Okay, Mr. Overdramatic.”

“I’m just saying, it’s not exactly like girls are lining up to be with this. And,” he said, pointing the cereal box he was holding at his father, “just as a reminder, since you seem to retain this as well as a sieve holds water, I’m not interested in people like that.”

“Well, never say never,” his dad said, shrugging. “And you know, you can tell me if–”

“I’m not gay,” Jared interrupted. “Else I would’ve just said that ages ago. And I didn’t actually say ‘never,’ just acknowledged my complete lack interest in romanticism as I see it.” He quickly ate out of the bowl he poured himself, moving to the table. “Besides, even if I did have an interest in girls and potential suitors, I’m too busy with school. I don’t have time to date.”

“You know, one day you’ll look back and realize this may have been the last time you had time to do fun extracurriculars.”

“I beg to differ. My life is not going to end when I get out of high school, and neither is my youth. This cannot be the best time of my life, or else something is seriously wrong.”

“I’m just saying, I know a thing or two about high school, and about missed opportunities. I’d hate for you to miss any.”

“Yeah, yeah. And don’t think it escaped my notice that you never told me where you were last night.” Jared quickly rinsed his bowl, put it in the dishwasher, and grabbed his backpack. “I just hope you were being safe.” He looked around the room, double checking to make sure he had everything for school. “Okay. I’m off,” he said, walking towards the door. Then he stopped. "Actually, before I forget, do you want me to go grocery shopping this afternoon?"

"Well, I'm not sure we can budget for another shopping trip this month."

Jared looked at him, confused. "What the hell are you talking about? The pantry is almost empty."

His dad looked at him somberly. “We’re a little strapped for cash this month. I looked over the budget last night and we're barely gonna get by. I thought we were fine on food."

“No, there's nothing, we just–” Jared took a deep breath. "Okay, we can figure this out, we always do. How do we not starve this month? If we're careful, I think I could turn fifty dollars into food for the rest of the month."

“Jared, we're fine. We’ll talk about it tonight. Like you said, we’ll figure it out. Promise. Just have a good day at school, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

But he did. He worried about it all the way to school. Because if they were tight on money this month, next month was sure to be worse. It would start out with not having enough for groceries, but what next? Not enough for insurance? Forgetting to pay the power bill? And what were they supposed to do if they had any kind of emergency?

Jared worried about it so much he didn’t hear Matt’s voice until it was practically screaming in his ear.

“Jared!” Jared looked at Matt, who was frowning at him.

“Uh. What?”

“Well I was just gonna check how things went, but now I’m concerned. Are you okay dude?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah. Just- Just distracted,” Jared said. Matt eyed him.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

Jared wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean. They weren’t really friends. But he wanted to say something. He shrugged.

“My dad just kinda told me something worrying. I’m probably just catastrophizing. I just need to figure out…” Jared looked up as he trailed off. At the other end of the hall was Evan, unaware he was being watched. An idea came to Jared. It wouldn’t solve his problem but it would make it easier.

“Figure out what?” Matt asked.

“One second,” Jared replied, walking away from Matt. He walked through the hall, finally arriving at Evan’s locker as the boy put away his books. He finally looked up, startled to see Jared had appeared.

“Jared. Um.” Evan took a deep breath. “Look, I’m sorry for–”

“One letter. Fifty bucks,” Jared said bluntly. Evan blinked in response.

“I’m sorry, what?” Jared stared him down. “Wait, you’re serious? Jared… Thank you, you have no idea–”

“We’ll meet after school. Bring what you’ve written with you.” He turned and walked back towards Matt. Matt’s face lit up as Jared returned.

“I take it things went well when he asked?”

“On the contrary, they went to shit. But we’ve reached an agreement.” Jared looked at Matt, uncertain why there was a sudden glee on his face he was trying to hide. “You’re lucky you’re my favorite customer. Never tell anyone without my permission again.”

“You know, I think this will be good for you,” Matt said cryptically.

“What the fuck are you–”

Jared was cut off by the bell. Matt gave a quick wave goodbye as he made his way to class, and eventually, Jared started walking to his class.

He was really doing this. Writing a letter. To Zoe Murphy. For Evan Hansen.

Fucking perfect.