Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It is not only the most difficult thing to know one self, but the most inconvenient one, too.
- H.W. Shaw

---

Her eyes stare back at me, a looking glass reflecting my inner self. Her grace flows through the canvas and into me, an unhindered force like the wind. Her essence is a subduing presence, thumping down the chaos my mind havocs from time to time.

Call me narcissistic or conceited but this one in front of me is my best work yet. There's nothing simple or normal despite of how others may perceive it with the heart and effort it took me to finish it.

The legend of the koi.

A tiny smile quirks to the side of my lips as I'm brought back to the night we had that conversation. It was a couple of years back, when we were both trying to untangle ourselves from the knotted vines we found ourselves in during college. It was far from easy unlike how we both thought it would be but thankfully I had the foresight to get back in touch with her when I did regardless of how I turned the tangled knots into an inescapable maze.

The story is not something new to me. I've read of it before but it didn't hold much importance to me until she pointed it out. Trust her to see and show me the obvious unseen when I'm too caught up with myself to bother noticing.

I glance at my watch and see it's almost time for me to head to the airport so I grab my bag and my keys and head out of the apartment to my car.

On the road, I roll down the window a bit to let in the Sunday air and enjoy what I could in the momentary respite from California traffic. I can't help but reminisce and think it's funny how my life is very different right now. Just over four years ago I thought I would spend the rest of my life in Squahamish, married to Trig, well liked and despised at the same time.

Thanks to a certain Asian girl, I felt brave enough to begin the steep decline from that mountaintop of popularity and search for my own high. Nevermind if the altitude isn't the same as where I came from.

When I cross the boundary to Los Angeles, I put the window up again. Apart from the times I took this same route before moving to Squahamish, this road has been my companion the last four years. It's been only months since I graduated from CalArts, I haven't had any good earnings from my art but it's alright. My creativity won't run away, I just have to keep chasing that far horizon where people appreciate what I do even if it sometimes feels like I'm doing it on a treadmill.

At the airport, I park my car and look over the exit area for that familiar brown girl. It's a packed place and I think I should have brought a poster for better visibility.

I don't have to wait long though as she sees me and greets me warmly with a "Hey!" before hurrying towards me and giving me a firm hug.

"God, it's so good to see you. How have you been?" She's wearing that same smile as four years ago although with less timidity and more openness unlike before. Her hair is in a high ponytail rather than the low one she used to have in high school, with light make-up on her face. The new style suits her well, I admit to myself with some reservation.

"Wow, you look-. I'm doing great." I reply stupidly. To make up for it, I quickly add, "How are you? It's been what, two years?"

Her smile never leaves her face and I notice she's wearing a white tank top, her usual plaid shirt wrapped around her waist with maroon pants matching the color of the garment and gray ankle boots. She has definitely changed.

"Yeah, two years. Really long time."

By then a girl, a sweet looking one with long blonde hair and friendly smile wearing a simple combination of baby blue shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers approaches us and holds her arm.

It seems like she forgot there is a third girl with the sudden turn of her head and later I'd think about the reason behind that assumption in the solitary of my room.

The girl looks at me with what seems to be a genuine sweet smile and she introduces us. "Aster, this is my girlfriend, Brooklyn. Brooklyn, this is my new roommate, Aster."

Oh.

"-about you. Thanks for letting her stay in your place."

It takes a moment for me to register that Brooklyn is talking to me and is offering her hand for a shake. I accept it awkwardly and return her smile. "No, uh, it's not really a big deal. My roommate from CalArts left anyway and I needed someone new."

We small talk as I try to process the new information and go on autopilot with the conversation. I help them put their luggage in my trunk and before I get back behind the wheel I hear Brooklyn say, "Elle, babe, you brought that cute paperweight I gave you, right?"

We drive to a diner for lunch. This time, as expected Ellie sits beside her girlfriend unlike in the car. We catch up more during and basically get the same update on Ellie as the ones I've known over chat with her. She just also graduated this year and has a very promising opportunity at filming a script she wrote and submitted to some producers in LA. She has to relocate here while the production is at work and since she doesn't know any people in California I offered the extra room in my place.

I tell her I work at a bar as bartender while still making pieces and hopefully the right art dealer will someday see them.

On the way back to my apartment, however, I can't help but feel like this isn't how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be me picking up Ellie on the airport. There's just the two of us and I'm nice, helpful, and accommodating. The car ride is supposed to be like what we had four years ago, quiet but pleasant not filled with curious questions from two people about what places are nice to visit knowing when they're asking I'm excluded from their plans.

I try to take the depressing thoughts out of my mind and focus instead on playing the perfect hostess to the newcomers.

"My apartment's on that white building over there. It's on the fifth floor." After graduating, I chose to stay in Valencia. I figure getting noticed would be more probable if I stay near the city than going back to my parents. I don't fit in there anymore, anyway.

"Cool," Ellie replies interestedly.

"It's just your typical apartment. But it's pretty decent, I guess."

We go up to the fifth floor in silence, baggage in tow.

"I keep a spare key under the rug, on the left corner near the door. But I have another spare inside. I'll give it to you later." I explain as I unlock the door.

"So welcome to your new home. Here's the living room, obviously," I say trying to joke. "I don't have cable, I read the news on my phone, but I have Netflix."

Ellie seems to find that funny as she chuckles. "Keeping the essentials, I see."

Brooklyn just stays quiet, silently perusing the area. I think nothing of it and proceeds to the other room.

"This here is the kitchen, feel free to cook anytime you want. I keep the plates, cups, and utensils on that drawer over there." I say, gesturing to the drawers I'm talking about.  "The spices and stuff are on the top drawer."

I move to the refrigerator to open it quickly. "Here's the ref, all stock up. I just went to the grocery. My schedule's every third week of the month so if you have something you want you can inform me ahead so I can put it on my list."

"Got it."

"Do you have Yakult?" Brooklyn finally speaks. "That's Elle's favorite."

My response is immediate. "Of course, it's also my favorite. Do you want some?"

I reopen the refrigerator and give them both a piece. When Ellie mentioned it in passing before, I've developed a taste for it but not the kind that I'd get out of my way to find a place to get it. In truth, I only bought them because I know Ellie likes it but they don't need to know that.

I lead them outside to the comfort room at the end of the hallway. "The bath and comfort room's in here. Sadly, there's only one so we have to share. I hope you don't mind."

At Ellie's, "of course" I smile and continue. "I got a first aid kit and some advil and stuff at the back of the mirror. The towels are in here."

For the last part, I go out of the bathroom and lead them back to the hallway. "Finally, my room is on the right and yours will be here."

I skip on showing them what's inside my room and proceeds instead to go directly to what would become Ellie's room. I slowly open the door, a little apprehensive about what I'm about to show them as I push to the back of my head that this is not how I was supposed to give my gift to her or that it won't be a private conversation with just the two of us anymore.

Trying to prolong the inevitable, I let them in first and following only when I have taken a quick deep breath.

Brooklyn's comment somehow calms my nerves. "Shit. Man that's beautiful. Did you paint that?"

"Y-yeah." I stutter, trying to internally rid myself of the unneeded nerves. It's just a painting.

"Girl, when you finally get that exhibit, invite me please? I want to see all your masterpiece."

Brooklyn's additional praises make me chuckle, further setting me at ease.

It's the next few words that totally do it though.

"It looks amazing, Aster." Ellie whispers, like she doesn't know what else to say.

I smile and say a quiet thank you, satisfied that I got the response that I was hoping for.

Glad that I have that part over with, I leave them to get settled on their own as I excuse myself to my room.

We all had dinner at seven, a home-cooked meal I prepared myself. In my opinion as it doesn't seem like they feel any of my awkwardness from earlier, it all went more smoothly than lunch. This time, I no longer hover above my assumptions on Brooklyn, ready to jump at them at any minute. In fact I've conceded rather unwillingly that Brooklyn is a very charming and likeable girl and I can see why Ellie would want her to be her girlfriend.

After eating, we all proceed to watch Netflix on the tv but halfway through the movie, Brooklyn excuses herself saying she's going to bed early.

"I'm tired, didn't get much sleep yesterday because of work. Good night."

She leans in to give Ellie a kiss and I quickly avert my eyes.

Ellie and I finish the movie in silence. As the credits roll and I'm about to ask her what she wants to see next she mumbles, "It's a really good painting, Aster. I mean I've seen your other works but that's different. It's like it's more alive. Like it's just a fish, you know, but I don't just see peace and beauty when I look at it, I see strength as well."

I smile, knowing exactly what she means and glad that she's able to see what I was trying to portray. "Thank you."

She chuckles.

I frown. "What's so funny?"

"It's just a fish. And you. You're I've read a lot of books, I know a lot of things. I was expecting you'd paint some abstract portrait of people or something."

"Okay, now I'm offended. What's wrong with a fish?"

Her chuckle turns into laughter.

"I like fish. I like that fish."

"Yeah, too many fish in the sea." She begins singing.

I grab a pillow beside me and start hitting her with it to hide my growing embarrassment.

"Alright, alright. Enough, I was just kidding." She stops laughing but the grin doesn't leave her face.

The little pseudo fight changed our sitting position so now we're both sat facing each other and I can see the gradual change on her expression from teasing into sincerity. I feel the shift in the atmosphere as well.

"In all seriousness though, I loved it. It suits you well. Maybe you're not there yet but someday you're going to conquer your waterfall. I know you will."

Two years ago, she said the same thing to me as she told me the story. Be like the koi. Swim against the current, conquer your waterfall. Turn into a golden dragon. With her being just in front of me and reminding me makes me feel like I can definitely do it.

This is what I hoped would happen when I offered my place to her.

I avert my gaze as I remember something that's been bothering me. "We're alright, are we? I mean I regret what I did, I've apologized a thousand times, I'm still sorry. It was foul and inexcusable but I hope-"

She halts my nervous rambling by giving me a tight hug. "Stop apologizing, Aster. I was never angry at you. We're more than alright."

Her words are enough to soothe me. She has always had that effect on me more than anything else.

It's alright. Everything's alright.

"I missed you."

No. It's so much better.

"I missed you, too, Ellie."

She keeps holding me, like she doesn't want the embrace to end.

I don't want it to, either.

I take a deep breath, promising myself this is just the beginning.

And hopefully, this time it will be a love story where everyone gets what they want.

Chapter Text

The next morning, I find myself more rested than usual. Our little talk last night obviously helped improve my disposition more than I thought it would.

I smile and mentally tick the checklist on my head on how to get Ellie back. Make sure the past won't affect how she thinks of you, check.

Satisfied with that, I start to prepare and cook our breakfast.

I haven't been in the kitchen long when Ellie comes fumbling in, looking cute in her pajamas, hair slightly ruffled, eyeglasses sitting crookedly on the bridge of her nose.

She's a little surprised to find me already awake and I conclude she probably woke up to prepare breakfast for her and Brooklyn, and even me. I find it sweet but I don't mind doing it for her.

"Good morning," I greet her with a smile too bright to be a simple friendly greeting but I don't care.

She greets me back before sitting at the table and watching me work for the next few minutes.

"Need help with that?"

I politely decline, more than happy to have her experience what it's like to be given the Aster special treatment. What I'm allowed to do at the moment, at least.

"You know, I used to hate cooking. When I was younger. But either that or my father and I starve to death."

I know this part of her childhood. It's not fair for her to be put through what she had at such a young age but she's learned to take it in stride and it's one of the things I admire about her.

"And now look at me, I'm the best cook ever," she boasts with a laugh.

Her phone beeps at the same time and she goes to read and reply to the message she received.

"That's Paul. He's asking how my move is going so far."

I feel a sense of satisfaction in knowing that they did stay in contact. Not that it surprises me. I've lost touch with so many people back home and it feels nice to know Ellie and Paul are not like that.

She receives another message and this time she reads it to me. "He wants to say hi."

I smile. "Tell him I say hello."

I cannot deny that what Paul did in our senior year in high school didn't make me feel betrayed and played with but I also experienced the fickle and volatile nature of matters of the heart. Once we're under the powers of it's string, we can't do anything but follow it's instructions. I know that. Paul knew that. Not so long ago I was pretty sure Ellie did, too. I can't be one to take it against him for long.

"What's he up to now?"

"Busy with his taco sausages. He says he's got enough funds to open another diner, he's just taking his time learning about the perfect location."

"Really? That's amazing! Maybe someday, we can all see each other again to catch up. I haven't seen him in two years."

"You didn't?"

"No, it's not like we stayed friends. And I haven't been to Squahamish in two years."

"Oh... I visit every summer break... But I didn't go back there when I graduated. Dad came to Iowa to visit me."

I hear her slight falter and for a moment I'm brought back to the last summer break I spent in Squahamish. When I was sure I'm the only one Ellie sees.

That is short-lived though as I hear another voice greeting us a good morning and I crash back into reality.

Brooklyn grabs a chair to sit beside Ellie as the latter gives her a fond smile.

I notice she's already freshly showered and in her outdoor wear, no doubt for something they have planned to do today.

I try to not feel bothered by it and move to turn off the stove and put all the breakfast food I made on the table.

The girlfriends both stand up to help me get the plates and utensils and pour the coffee to our mugs.

Now seated at the table, I take a piece of sunny side up and watch as Brooklyn fills Ellie's plate to the edge. Either they are going to have a hectic day or Ellie has acquired the appetite of a man.

"What are your plans for today?" I ask to assuage my curiosity.

"We're thinking to go Museum hopping. Maybe MOCA, The Broad, Getty." Brooklyn answers, blue eyes sparkling.

"You'll love Getty. One of my favorites. Do you know how to get there?"

"We have Waze. And I got a map, just in case."

"And for sure the cab driver will help us get there." Ellie finally joins the conversation, her comment making both Brooklyn and I chuckle.

I don't know what makes me say it, the last thing I want is to third wheel with the couple but I say it anyway. "I can drive you around. It'll save you some trouble."

"You don't have to do that. I'm sure you have better things to do."

I've promised myself I'll be as honest as I can with Ellie but I doubt me telling her I took the day or week off work for her is what she wants to hear me say so I tell her instead, "I work at night and I feel fully rested so I have the energy to drive around today."

I'll just have to call the girl who will cover for me that I have some change of plans and will be cancelling our agreement.

"Aster, that's sweet but we can't ask you to do that." Brooklyn holds my hand resting on top of the table in gratitude.

"She's right. And I've caused you too much trouble already as it is."

"You're no trouble, Ellie."

"I got an idea. Why not let us borrow your car? I brought my driver's license with me."

"Oh, yes! You're a genius, Brook!"

"Well, I guess, that's also a good idea."

"Amazing!" Brooklyn claps her hands. "We'll take good care of your car. We'll be back before your shift starts."

I tell her I work at 8PM as Ellie finishes her breakfast and excuses herself to go and prepare for the day.

Left with Brooklyn and an almost empty plate, I feel my awkwardness from yesterday start to creep back in. I fight is as much as I can and decide maybe it's the perfect opportunity to ask her what I've been meaning to since they arrived at the airport.

I wait until her attention is on me again and give her a smile. "So, how did you two meet?"

----

(Third Person POV)

An hour later, Ellie is ready for the day and Brooklyn, after a lot of resistance from Aster, has finished cleaning up the kitchen.

Aster gives Brooklyn her keys and reminds her of the spot where she parked her car and the plate number.

The two don't leave until they've given Aster a thousand thank you's and sorry's for the trouble they're causing her which of course the latter thinks and voices out as silly.

When they've exited the apartment and on their way to the elevator, Ellie clutches her girlfriend's hand. Since being with Brooklyn, she's grown accustomed to showing affection in public and she revels in it. She gets the tingling feeling in her stomach whenever Brooklyn shows her she's wanted.

Brooklyn, on the other hand, does it unknowingly. It may have an effect on Ellie but she doesn't do it to get anything from her. It's just her second nature. She loves showing affection on people. And, of course, she likes to announce to the world that Ellie is her girlfriend even just by simply holding her hand.

She lovingly rests her head on Ellie's shoulder as they wait to get to their floor. "Aster's nice, babe. I'm glad I'm  leaving you in good hands. And I can ask her to watch out for girls with hidden motives around you."

Ellie scoffs playfully. "As if these LA chicks are ever going to notice me. Their hotness is of a different calibre."

The elevator doors open as Brooklyn furrows her brows. She lets go of Ellie's hand and immediately walks out of the lift, not waiting for her girlfriend.

Ellie runs after her chuckling and grabs her hand back. "Babe, I was just kidding. You know you're the prettiest for me."

Appeased by her girlfriend's words, Brooklyn smiles and wraps an arm on Ellie's.

----

(Aster's POV)

My shift later that day is a distracted one. My usual welcoming aura turns into reserved that only a handful of customers tries their luck at flirting with me.

So far, not one guy has succeeded into getting more than a harmless flirting with me but I oblige any attempt anyway because it makes for a large tip. I have bills to pay and I don't mind stroking male ego as long as it's the only thing I'm stroking.

I'm cleaning up what is left of the party earlier before going home when I could no longer hold it in.

"Jeffrey?" I call out to one guy who is helping me clean up. I'm blessed with generally friendly workmates and you can say he is the one I'm closest to out of all of them.

"Yo, Aster. What's up?"

"Remember that girl I told you about a few days ago?"

"Yeah. What's the matter?"

"Nothing. She's fine. I'm just... How do you - how do you get someone to love you again?"

"Man, that's tricky. I really don't believe you can get someone to love you again. I mean, you can make someone love you I'm sure. But that love has to still be in that person. You know, there's gotta be a remnant of that love in that person. Like an ember. Something that's left when you parted ways.

"What I'm trying to say is, there's gotta be something to work from to rekindle that fire. Because otherwise, you'll just be wasting energy to a hopeless cause."

What he said makes perfect sense. And I find myself asking if everything's not lost.

"Do you think this girl still has even an ounce of feelings for you?"

I nod gently.

"I- I think so."

But there's Brooklyn, I think to myself.

My hesitation probably doesn't go unnoticed to Jeffrey because he pats my back in understanding.

"I'll tell you what. Just do what I'll do."

So we spend the rest of the hour cleaning while he gives me advice to always be supportive and kind to Ellie, to thread carefully so as not to rush into confessing my feelings for her and jeopardise my chances of being with her.

It's not the magic potion that would solve my predicament in a second but I tell myself I'm not in the Harry Potter universe. I'm not a muggle and Jeffrey is not the kind wizard who took pity on me enough to share his magic. This is reality. And if I want something to come out of my plan, I have to follow him. No matter the urgency I want Ellie and I to happen, Jeffrey's advice is the best shot I have right now.

For the next few days, I follow his advice. Basically, I become a good friend to Ellie and even Brooklyn.

The latter leaves to go back to Iowa after five days, much to my relief, and I get the unfounded hope that maybe it will be easier now with her gone.

It puts a spring to my feet and lightness to my movements that the customers at the bar notice. They try to ask me my secret as a prelude to an engaging conversation but I softly and expertly sway them to a different topic.

Only my good friend, Jeffrey, gets the 'play by play' on the updates on where I stood with Ellie.

One night, though as I'm entering the apartment after a long shift at 3AM, I hear a soft voice echoing through the apartment.

When I get to the door of my room, I see Ellie's door slightly ajar. A little sneak told me she's infront of her laptop talking to someone. Her voice is so quiet that I can't make out what they're talking about but it's clear enough to hear her address the caller 'babe'.

I lamely walk to my room, all false sense of hope from earlier slowly dissipating from my mind.

This is not going to be easy.