Work Text:
They could come back any minute. I know I need to keep my guard up, but I'm so tired. My eye lids feel so heavy. I've dozed off so many times now. Don't get me started on the hunger. My stomach has stopped cramping. It's just a constant, stabbing ache now.
It’s impossible to know how many days I've been down here. These lights never go off. The water doesn't stop dripping. Maybe I'm trapped in a dream. The pain tells me otherwise. With every little movement, these shackles dig at my skin. It is raw underneath them. My body aches. My bones, my head, my feet. I shouldn't be chained to a chair. Mom always said, "We may run away, but at least we are free." I don't think she ever pictured me chained up like an animal. I'm sorry, Mom. I tried. I really did.
I’ve been thinking about her while I've been down here. I've thought of her voice. The gentle sound that sang me to sleep in houses that we shouldn't have been in and the stern one that assured me we were doing the right thing. They're almost not drowned out by the scream she let out when she died. No matter how hard I try, I can't scrub her getting blown to pieces from my mind. A scream, then silence. Permanent silence. The water is still dripping. I can't keep my head up. There's no reason to anymore. They broke me when they dragged her away. They got what they wanted. I should have told them. They could have killed me and gotten it over with without dragging her into this. My fight was for nothing. I never thought my choices would land me in a place like this. In this situation. Watching my mother and father die changed my life. I finally became as resolved as them to forge my own way. I wasn't a kid anymore. I didn't think I'd ever feel like I had a home like them again.
But then I saw her for the first time. I knew what I was supposed to do: get her on my side and hand her over. Simple. I'd already killed so many people. Keeping one alive wouldn't be hard. But from the first moment she spoke to me, I knew it wouldn't be that easy.
I don’t know what it was, but her voice, it reminded me of those songs my mother would sing. Raelle's voice was beautiful, musical and sad. Heavy, like the weight of the world was on her back. I don't think she knew I could tell. If her voice didn't give it away, those eyes did. Those eyes were deeper than I expected and they swallowed me. Like I said, I knew right then my task wouldn't be easy. Well, it was in a way. Getting close to her, so close, that was easy.
Those mornings spent in my room, just us, they were easy. It almost felt like we weren't who we were in those moments. We were just two kids who loved each other, not that we said so. But she didn't have to. I could see it. She is terrible at hiding her emotions. Holding her tightly was easy. Listening to her breathing was easy. Loving her was so, so easy.
Giving her up was what was hard.
The water is still dripping. Raelle was laying there on the stone just a little while ago. I should have just let her sleep.
I couldn't follow through with it. I couldn't give her to them. No matter how threatening, how divisive they were, I knew they would hurt her, or worse. Raelle deserved better. I can still feel her hands on my face, that ring brushing my cheek. If I close my eyes, I can see it, feel it. But I can't close my eyes. I'll fall asleep.
Despite my best efforts, everything I did, all those things they put me through down here, I still got her involved. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted her to be safe and I knew she would be if I was gone. I was stupid. I should have known the Army wouldn't see her as an innocent in all of this, in this mess I made.
Now they've got her too. My home. The only thing that made me feel like life was worth living. The only thing that made my pain stop for a second. The only thing that drove that horrible moment from my memory. I knew I was never going to be able to take her to the beach. I shouldn’t have made that promise. This is my fault. They're going to put her through worse than this. And the last thing she'll remember about me is me screaming.
How ironic.
These chains are so heavy. I might just be starving, I don't know. I don't care. Raelle is going to die because of me.
I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry. I hope wherever you are, you can forgive me. I hope Raelle can forgive me too in the end, not that I deserve it. I would have died for her if I had to. I should have. I know now that I shouldn't have spoken to her that first time. I shouldn't have tried to avenge my parents. Not at this cost.
I can’t stay awake. I...can't. The water is still dripping and I...I'm falling asleep.