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He didn’t know what was wrong with him that the most basic rule of the world was broken.
Işık's mother had said, “You children mean the world to us. You can’t blame us for loving you as much as we do”, as if parental love was a thing to be given so freely it becomes cloying.
To Sinan cloying was a sparsely decorated room, constant silence and the freedom to do whatever he wanted because no one cared.
To be loved too much – that was pure fantasy. And one Sinan never let himself partake in. It was such an impossibility there would be no point.
Sinan knew he had always and likely would always be given the bare minimum. The mere crumbs of affection dolled out to him by his father were shadows of what he gave his other children. If not for the items left in the house Sinan was sure he would not see the man.
And yet.
There was always the slightest glimmer of hope in his chest that his father would give him the love that parents should – and he knew his father could. That he would look him in the eyes or acknowledge his presence beyond being a thing in the room he just entered. That just once he would take him up on his offer for tea.
Instead all Sinan got was the cup taken out of his hand and the remnants of his tea wasted. Perhaps it was left from when he was younger and his father was a nearly constant presence, or maybe it was the want to be loved that sat in his chest and Sinan never acknowledged. The sharp pain of being rejected by the only person in the world biologically wired to love you never stopped, just as the flame of hope refused to be put out.
That is why it was easier to become uncaring, unflinching and cynical. The drinking dulled the pain and emotions to the point of being bearable. If you have no expectation no one can disappoint you.
As he had said to the group, “You can’t expect much of from people. Sometimes people suck, it’s not a big deal.” And he had meant it. If you expect people to be crappy it always hurts less when they are.
That’s exactly why she was so confusing to him. Why her attitude, her behaviour and her pure goodness was able to somehow seep into his shallow existence.
The thing about sunshine is that it burns so bright it can blind you if you stare at it for too long. It will warm you from the inside until you can’t remember what it feels like to be cold. That’s what Işık did to Sinan.
Not always of course.
Once he only thought of her through the things he considered flaws – naivety, kindness, eternal hope, romanticism. As the girl who believed that all humans were born to fall in love, were meant for it. Were worthy of it.
It was as he said to Osman, “I know about weakness. And love is the worst of them. It makes you lose your self-respect.” Before the whole thing she wasn’t really anything to him except the girl who sat next to him who spoke with kindness in her words. And as he was in his own world she was irrelevant –another cog in the system.
It turns out she was so much more than that.
She saw through him so easily it terrified him. The layers of protection he had worked so hard to put around himself were mere glass to her eyes, and she let him know exactly that on the walk home from the concert. Only moments later was she showing him more kindness then he had ever received before.
It was the impossibility of kindness given so freely and without reservation towards someone as undeserving as him. It was no wonder he fell in love with her.
She was the sun and he was helpless to her brightness.
The scarf was like an anchor and he was the boat ready to drift away. She allowed him to be centred among the waves threatening to pull him away forever.
It wasn’t until he was forced to suffer days without her, for the first time feeling true emotions that burned him with their intensity. Guilt and regret were painful, especially when he knows how truly wrong he was. To scream in her face and tear her apart with words is unforgivable and he does not know why he much ruin anything good he has in his life.
The apology was not enough in his eyes. He didn’t understand how relationships worked, god knows his father never apologised for anything and he didn’t have any other friends. But she accepted it.
The plan to get her to agree to continue helping them was born of desperation. He knew what the consequences may be of going out in the rain and getting sick. He knew how likely it was that he would die.
But to continue to live and not have her in his life as she had been was not a possibility he was willing to accept. Besides, he had never cared about his life before, so why start now.
It turns out, he had a reason to start caring.
Bowls of soup, flocks of birds and paintings of an old couple. Those were the things that Işık transformed for him, changed to become beautiful and vibrant in a previously meaningless world.
She made him believe in living as opposed to simply surviving. To be around her was to finally be able to breathe without pain in his chest. She made him better in ways he didn’t know were broken.
She gave him hope.