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Even from a young age, Okita couldn’t contain his excitement about the day he’d finally be old enough to see his own red thread. Children weren’t able to see the mystical link that connected two destined people together (in fact, some believed it to be a lie just made up by adults), but would gradually start to see it around the time they turned 15. They would be able to see their own thread, which always appeared red to the owner, and also the threads that connected others to their own soulmates in various colors besides red.
He just knew who his red thread would be attached to. There was only one person really. It had to be Kondou-san. Kondou-san had said it himself, “nothing in this world happens without purpose.” Okita was convinced his path in life had led him down this route to meet his soulmate. And if that was the case, no one else fit except for Kondou-san.
Still, even in the face of such certainty, seeing it with his own eyes and having it confirmed… there wouldn’t be anything like it. So Okita wanted to grow up fast and reach that day.
It was hard to find anyone to share his enthusiasm with, however. It’s not like he could talk to the other students about it, almost all of them hated him. Which was fine, he hated them back, but sadly that meant when they started with the soulmate talk he couldn’t join in. There weren’t many people he spoke to in the dojo besides Kondou-san and (unfortunately) Hijikata.
Kondou was a no go. As an adult, Kondou would already be able to see whether there was a thread between them or not, so logically he would be the best person to talk to. However, Okita was just too embarrassed to broach the topic with him. One time another student brought up the topic to Kondou while Okita was in earshot. It wasn’t anything scandalous, just “who is your thread connected to,” but Kondou had glanced over in Okita’s direction, coughed awkwardly, and then, after a brief attempt at changing the conversation, excused himself and fled from the room. So even if Okita managed to muster up the courage to ask him, it didn’t seem like something Kondou wanted to talk about himself. It did make Okita suspicious though… why had he looked over at him and then reacted like that? In his mind, it was just another confirmation of what he already knew.
Without any other options to discuss the matter with, Okita scraped the bottom of the barrell and sought out Hijikata. The problem was he didn’t really want to talk to him. It was a warm day and they were both sitting out on the porch, Okita sprawled out and Hijikata leaning up against the wall of the dojo while he polished his swords.
‘Maybe if i just practice enough on other people, I’ll finally be able to see them.’ He thought to himself.
So instead of talking, Okita just stared intently at Hijikata, trying to make out a thread on his finger. When nothing materialized, he squinted harder. That didn’t work, so he tried to stare without blinking. It didn’t help that Hijikata’s hand was moving.
‘Ugh, could you just stop for a second so I can look properly? ...Wait a minute, why did I choose Hijikata to try this out on? Knowing his personality, no one is connected to him, so there’s nothing to see.’ Okita growled to himself in frustration. ‘I didn’t think this through. Who would want to be with someone as treacherous, grumpy, villainous and deceitful as him?’
“...Why the hell are you staring at me, brat?” Hijikata’s voice suddenly broke through Okita’s thoughts and he nearly jumped. Despite the annoyance in his voice, Hijikata looked more amused than anything. Somehow that just made Okita grumpier.
“I wasn’t staring.” Okita said, and rolled over onto his back so that he was staring up at the sky instead. He was silent for a while before finally speaking up again. “Hey, how old were you when you started to see the threads? Though I guess you’re probably too old to remember that now.”
“Ah, so that’s what this was about, huh?” Hijikata replied, surprisingly not rising to the bait to snap at him for his snide comment. He hummed thoughtfully before answering, “Hmm, I’d say a little older than you are now, probably.”
“Oh.” Okita sighed dramatically. ‘A little older’ was practically a lifetime away.
“What are you in such a rush for, anyway? You shouldn’t worry about who your soulmate is so much.” Okita couldn’t see Hijikata’s face, but his voice had taken on a certain quality that Okita couldn’t place his finger on. It was a little softer than usual. “Soulmates aren’t the be all end all, you know? A lot of people don’t end up with their soulmate and still go on to have a great marriage with someone else.”
Okita rolled his eyes at this unwanted life advice, “I’m not worried. I already know who my soulmate is. I mean, I think I do. But I’m sure I’m not wrong.” His soulmate was a great person, what did he have to worry about? Hijikata could see his thread led to Kondou, so why would he bother to lecture him? Unless Hijikata was jealous and wanted to make Okita worry.
“Look, I’m just saying.. I don’t know, I’m just saying we never know what will happen in life, and sometimes you have to be prepared for that.” Hijikata sounded frustrated now, and he could hear him put his swords away and climb to his feet. “It’s just something to think about, that’s all.” Hijikata opened the screen door, and his footsteps sounded further and further away until he was gone.
'Stupid Hijikata. I hope he doesn’t try to scare Kondou-san like he tried to scare me.’
“You’re going to have to tell him. It will be better if he hears it from you!” Kondou had been listening to Toshi make the exact argument to him for the past few years, but it was something he absolutely didn’t want to hear. Toshi had been getting more persistent too, as the time drew closer for Okita to start seeing the threads. This time he confronted Kondou in his room, just as he was turning in for the night.
“Don’t you think I want to?” Kondou shot back. “It’s all I can think about lately! Any day now I worry that he’s going to start seeing them. I’ve been doing my best to keep him away from the other students - some of them are so cruel to him, they’d tell him about it for sure.”
He knew Toshi was right. He knew it. And he hated himself for his inaction - but Toshi didn’t know how hard it would be to hurt Okita when the boy meant so much to him.
“Then that’s all the more reason to tell him now, before he starts.” Hijikata paced the room back and forth, agitated. “How do you think he’s going to feel? He’s going to be so excited to see that his thread links to you… only to find out yours doesn’t link back!”
A soulmate was usually mutual. In cases like that, both sides of the string were attached to each others’ pinky finger. But in some cases, a soulmate was one-sided. In a situation like that, only one side of the thread would be attached to the pinky. It still linked back to the intended soulmate, but was not attached to them. The intended soulmate also saw the unattached string in a different color than their own soulmate’s.
Shortly after the time when Okita won his first fight in the dojo, a pale purple thread had stretched out to Kondou and would stay with him no matter where he went. To his horror, he had discovered the source - it was Okita. Okita had formed a one-sided bond with him, and he didn’t know what to do about it. It had plagued his mind ever since.
“There has to be some way to fix this before he finds out. To get him to switch soulmates!” Kondou argued, though he already knew it was useless.
“You know as well as I do that a soulmate is permanent.” Toshi sighed. “And even if there was a way, he wouldn’t want to change. He thinks the world of you.”
Kondou nodded. It was pointless to deny what he already knew was true. “I just don’t know what to do. I’m afraid this is going to severely hurt him. And at such a young age too…” Souji already had to overcome so much in his life, and now this. “It’s definitely going to hurt our relationship. He’s going to hate me when he finds out.”
Toshi frowned. “It doesn’t have to be like that. You can explain it to him in a way that doesn’t hurt him. Tell him sometimes people get a platonic soulmate - someone who they’re not romantically involved with, but who is so important in their life that a thread appears. And that it’s no less important or special than any other type of soulmate.”
That sounded nice, but Kondou shook his head. “Yeah, but there’s a major flaw with that line of reasoning. I don’t connect back to him. Even if I told him that, he would still feel like he wasn’t important enough for me to connect with him too.”
Kondou looked down at the pale purple thread that was spread out over the floor near his futon and fell just shy of actually reaching him. It looked so sad and fragile, just laying there like that. It was a heavy reminder that followed him around everywhere he went. “I almost feel like telling him now would be too cruel. I want him to be happy for as long as possible. There’s no reason to trouble him with this until it becomes unavoidable.”
“You’re just too soft-hearted.” Toshi accused, disapproving. “You don’t want to be the one to tell him. But it’s going to have to be you, even if you put it off.”
Kondou just nodded silently.
“Well, how you handle it is your business. This isn’t my battle, and Souji wouldn’t listen to me anyway. It’s between you and him.” Toshi said, frustrated. “But I hope you’ll at least consider what I have to say.”
After having said his piece, Toshi exited the room and left Kondou alone with his thoughts.
‘If I could just tie it around my finger myself I would.’ Kondou thought miserably, reaching out to pick up the string. His hand just went through it, like he knew it would. It was impossible to interact with a thread of someone you weren’t attached to.
‘I’m sorry, Souji.’
Okita was training with his practice sword out in the yard. He was going to impress Kondou by learning a difficult move and then pulling it off flawlessly the next time they trained together. Kondou would be so amazed that he would praise Okita for sure. Just thinking about it made him more motivated.
He was busy swinging his sword when a flash of red on his hand caught his eye. Had he injured himself somehow? He stopped what he was doing to examine the wound, but there was no wound there. At first he wasn’t sure what he was seeing. It was like a thin red light was shining around the base of his pinky finger. It almost looked like…. a glowing string tied around it!
Okita’s eyes widened when he realized exactly what he was looking at. How could he have not known? He had been waiting for this for so long!
“I can finally see my thread!” He yelled, to no one in particular. No one else was out in the yard.
All he could do was stare down at it in awe. It was a little hard to make out, since it was translucent, but it was very beautiful. He could also see the thread leading away from him - his soulmate was on the other end of that line. There wasn’t any time to lose - he wanted to see if it was Kondou as soon as possible.
“I can see it!” He shouted happily again as he started to run towards where his thread was leading. Just as he was nearing the building, Hijikata came out - probably because he heard Okita shouting.
“What are you making such a fuss about?” Hijikata asked. Okita couldn't even be annoyed by seeing his face. He was in too good of a mood at the moment.
“No time to talk. I can see my thread now and I’m going to follow it!” Okita said happily, still running towards the door.
“Your thread?” Hijikata seemed shocked, but Okita wasn’t sure why. “You can see it??”
“Yep. Bye now.”
“Ahh, hold on, wait a minute Souji.” Hijikata made to grab for him, but Okita had already ducked under his arm to get inside and was running down the hallway. That was weird, but Okita wasn’t about to stop to think about it.
The thread disappeared into Kondou’s quarters and Okita felt his heart beating faster than it ever had before. So he had been right.. Well, of course he had, but now he knew he was. He suddenly felt shy and nervous as he stared at Kondou’s door.
‘What should I say to him?’ It was a little embarrassing that Kondou had known how he felt about him all along because he could see the thread. He hadn’t said anything to Okita about it all this time. What if Kondou felt embarrassed too? Would it be okay if Okita told him he could see the thread now?
The unexpected sound of the door sliding open brought him out of his thoughts and he saw Kondou standing in the doorway, smiling at him.
“Oh, hello Souji.”
That smile was so bright and warm, seeing it was enough for all his worries to melt away. Kondou was his soulmate, of course it would be okay. Without fully realizing what he was doing, he practically launched himself to hug Kondou.
“I knew it was you! All along I knew you were my soulmate!” He buried his face on Kondou’s shoulder to hide the fact that his eyes were watering a little.
“Ahh, um.. Souji…”
“It was so hard to wait all this time.” Okita continued, because he knew if he didn’t do it now, he was going to become too overcome with emotion to say it.
“Uh, Souji…”
“But I never had any doubts. And I’m so happy that I was right!”
Okita still had more to say, but he paused. Kondou had gone rigid in his arms and he wasn’t hugging him back. He loosened his grip on Kondou and moved back so he could see his expression. There was a frown etched on his face, and he wouldn’t meet Okita’s eyes.
“Souji, we need to talk.”
Kondou had taken Okita into his room and sat him down to talk to him. He was trying to be comforting, saying something about how it didn’t mean Okita wasn’t important to him, but all Okita could hear was a dull ringing in his head drowning out almost everything he had to say. Was this what it felt like to be in shock? No, it went beyond shock - he just felt numb. Of all the outcomes he had expected, seeing his thread on the floor instead of attached to Kondou hadn’t even crossed his mind.
Kondou had been pacing around the room while he talked, but now he stopped in front of Okita, a concerned expression on his face. “I know this must be a lot to take in but please, say something…”
“Ah..” Okita looked up at him and gave a weak smile. He didn’t know what to say. Now that he was looking at him, he could see a green thread connected to his finger, leading somewhere outside the room, and he felt a sharp stab of jealousy. Who was the lucky person connected to that other end?
“Are you all right?” Kondou frowned.
After a moment to collect his thoughts, Okita spoke up. “I guess you must have thought I was pretty pathetic this whole time, huh?”
Kondou shook his head, “No, of course not. You can’t choose who your soulmate is.”
“Still, it must have been hard to have to be around with some kid who had unwanted feelings for you. You knew all along.” Okita was trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
“Do you really think that’s true? I like spending time with you. Knowing about your soulmate didn’t change the fact that you’re an important person to me. You’re like a br--” Kondou seemed to think better of what he was about to say and cut himself off. “Well, you’re like part of my family.”
Okita just nodded, even though he didn’t really believe it. He didn’t want to make Kondou feel bad - it wasn’t his fault and he had put up with Okita in spite of everything.
Kondou sighed and patted Okita on the head gently. “You don’t have to worry. Nothing is going to change between us.”
Kondou didn’t realize the cruelty of his words - Okita had wanted something to change between them. He had wanted to be loved back by his soulmate. Now that wasn’t going to happen - not only was Kondou not his soulmate, but he wasn’t connected with anyone at all.
“Can I go now?” Okita wanted this to be over, so he could go back to his room.
Kondou looked unsure of what to do. He seemed to weigh his options before reluctantly nodding. “I suppose. I’d really rather you stay here and talk things out with me until you feel better. But I’m not going to force you to stay. You have to promise me you’ll talk to me later though, okay?”
"Okay.” Okita nodded and climbed to his feet. Without saying anything else, he quickly exited the room. Hijikata was standing out in the hallway nearby, wringing his hands and shifting his weight - he looked like a fretting mother hen. It would have been funny if Okita was in the mood to laugh.
“Don’t say anything.” Okita warned, before Hijikata even had a chance to open his mouth. “I want to be alone right now.” If Hijikata had been planning on saying anything, he decided against it and just nodded.
Okita hurried past him and down the hall, back to the safety of his own room. Once he shut the door, he laid down on his futon and buried his face in his pillow. The numbness which had been protecting him in Kondou’s room was fading away, and he started to cry.
‘I shouldn’t be surprised. Someone like Kondou-san is too good to be a soulmate for someone like me.’ He admonished himself, ‘I was so stupid to think that.’
Everything hurt. Okita felt like there wasn’t a single good thing left for him anymore. He had considered Kondou his treasure, the one bright spot in his otherwise miserable life, but now even past memories of time spent with him were tainted.
Okita’s life felt aimless now. He had always wanted to stay by Kondou’s side and now he wasn’t sure he could ever even face him again. He was sure Kondou wouldn’t cast him aside - he would never do something so heartless, but he was also sure Kondou didn’t want him around and that his presence would be a burden from here on out. The only option left for him was to run away on his own.
The thought of never seeing Kondou again brought a fresh wave of pain, when the old pain hadn’t even faded yet. ‘No no, I can’t do that.’ There was no way he could ever leave.
‘Even though Kondou-san’s not tied to me, I’m bound to Kondou-san.’ He realized. ‘He’s still my soulmate, even though I’m not his in return.’
It took a few days, but Okita eventually left his room - mostly because it was annoying to have people constantly coming to check up on him or bring him food. He wasn’t done wallowing, his emotions were still raw, but the longer he stayed in his room the more awkward things became. It was time he went back to acting normal, even if he didn’t feel normal.
In the time he spent in his room thinking, he had reached one conclusion - if they weren’t soulmates, the only use he had to Kondou was his fighting ability. What else could he do? Okita wanted to be useful to Kondou, and he wanted to keep him safe, so he would train to become the best fighter for him. Without his fighting ability, he was a useless being who wasn’t wanted by anyone. It was better to fight and die for the one he loved, even if he was never loved in return.