Archive of Our Own

It was late July, and hot as the fire Uncle just crudely pissed beside. Everyone sat miserably waiting for the scouting party to return. Dutch decided it was best to move camps, needing to be closer to some sort of wealth, so the ‘men of the camp’ were out searching for greener pastures. Or really just some place the gang had yet to tap dry.

You had been riding with said gang for the past eight months.

After your life didn’t quite end up as you planned, you kinda stuck with the mindset of: this world is rough so you gotta be tough.

Which really had already built you up too much. In truth you were found walking aimlessly in the Heartlands, after your horse had collapsed, dead.

If it hadn't been for Arthur being kind enough to take you to the gang, who knows where you’d be by now.

The fact was nobody gave damn about you, until he found you.

And you’ve enjoyed your stay for the most part. You had food, a place to sleep, and probably the most beneficial you had constant protection. However, you didn’t want to sound ungrateful or spoiled or anything, but Dutch was very protective of the ladies, and did not want them involved with much of anything. A little pickpocketing here, a little playing a damsel in distress there. But that was really it.

As a general rule he wanted all of you doing the domestic work, while the men got their hands dirty.

He meant it nobly you supposed, but for a woman like yourself, it didn’t sit right. You missed doing things, and going places. Even if it were risky or out of your comfort zone. You just felt like you could do, and perhaps be more.

That was all until you started going steady with Arthur. Then little, by little, you had picked up more responsibilities. Small, unimportant things if you looked at the big picture, but better than cleaning Bill’s soiled union suit.

You mainly helped steal livestock. Always late into the night, and always with Arthur by your side. And on the very rarest of occasions you’ve helped with some homestead robberies. They were a little more intense, and you could tell that they made Arthur a nervous wreck.

He had given you one of his revolvers and had shown you all the basics, but you still weren't great. If practice makes perfect, then how the hell were supposed to learn?

Your thoughts were interrupted as you heard horses and laid your eyes on Arthur leading the group. His freshly cleaned blue shirt was brown with mud and his coat was missing.

They hitched their horses, all looking very irritated, and seemed to be avoiding Arthur’s gaze.

“What the hell happened?” You called out while making your way to them, eyes worriedly searching Arthur for injuries.

“Damn O’driscoll’s.” Arthur stormed past you infuriated. He made his way to his tent and threw his hat onto his bed. Then he kicked the side of his trunk while muttering all kinds of things, then sat down with his hands in his hair, and his elbows resting on his legs.

You were frozen to the spot, not sure what you should or shouldn't do. This was, for sure, uncharted territory. Arthur didn't lose his cool.

Hosea walked up and stood beside you. “We were ambushed. Those damn Irish bastards somehow knew...If it hadn’t been for his quick thinkin’ I reckon we’d all be dead right about now.” He gently patted your shoulder and left you alone.

Your relationship was still pretty new. You’ve known that you’ve liked him since meeting him but it didn’t get serious until a few weeks ago.

And boy did it get serious, fast.

At first he seemed reluctant. He liked you, but you had to keep convincing him that you wanted the relationship. And then, after some questioning, and maybe even an ultimatum, he had told you about Mary and the damage that she’d done...and then, then he told you about Isaac.

You're not saying that you fully understood. You couldn’t, you had never had nor lost a child. But it helped you recognize and understand certain behaviors and tendencies of his. When he’d pull away from you, or why it took him so long to kiss you. Or, sometimes why he needed space. He was, at times, the most self loathing person that you'd ever met. It didn't necessarily hurt your relationship but it did make it, at times very challenging.

It happened the first time, a couple of days after he told you about his son. In a way, the confession freed him. He touched you more, albeit in private, but that was fine by you.

Then he asked if you wanted to take a trip to Strawberry.

You were excited, not having left camp in what felt like months. He bought you dinner, and offered to buy you a new outfit, but you declined. You hoped to soon earn your own money and buy your own clothes. He worked too hard for the gang to waste his money on a dress, when people in the camp were hungry.

He was anxious about something, and you weren't sure what it was until he nervously rubbed the back of his neck and stated that it was getting late, and that he could buy a room if you wanted.

You blushed and nodded ‘yes’ that you wanted to stay. He moved so quickly to pay that he almost tripped over his chair.

He grabbed your hand, his palm was uncharacteristically sweaty, and the other couldn’t stop fidgeting with his collar. As he led you up the stairs into the small yet cozy room.

It was your first time sharing a bed and you were worried it would be awkward. Especially because of how different he was acting.

You both stripped down to your underclothes. He complimented you and told you how beautiful you were. You both got under the covers, you were too worried that you were somehow pressuring him into this.

But in reality he was just waiting for you to make the next move.

The room was cold and Arthur was warm, and before either of you knew it you were snuggled closely, drifting off to sleep.

You woke to the sun creeping in from around the dark drapes. Disoriented at first until you felt his strong arms holding you firm against his body. You turned slightly, just enough to look at his face.

He looked so peaceful, something you weren't used to seeing. Dutch was gonna work him to death. And that was the thought that urged you forward. You softly kissed his brow, and then placed one on either side of his slightly parted mouth.

His eyes opened slowly and when they locked with yours, he could no longer hold himself back. His mouth explored, and his full concentration was solely on you.

The only way to describe that morning was, you, for the first time in your life felt complete.

Ever since your trip to Strawberry your relationship was different. He had developed an appetite that only you could satisfy. He still wasn't keen on public affection, he just wasn't comfortable with all the wondering eyes.

So you were the one that insisted on letting the camp know he was yours. It made you proud, and you knew that deep down Arthur was thankful for your boldness. So you’d grab his hand or reach up to kiss him anytime you felt that he needed it, or whenever you did, it didn't matter who it was in front of.

Though, you were still not sharing a tent. You wanted to, but didn’t want to push him into anything he wasn’t ready for.

That was the imbalance of your relationship. He sometimes wouldn’t talk, and sometimes neither would you.

As you watched him sitting on his cot, you realized that for as long as you've known him, you couldn’t recall ever seeing him like this. You didn’t know what he needed, and you didn’t want to make the wrong move. He truly was fragile. More so than anyone knew, anyone but you.

You slowly walked over to him, his head still hung low. “Arthur, you ok?”

He looked up hesitantly, the untrained eye wouldn't have noticed, but you saw the extra moisture in his eyes.

He plastered on a fake half smile and said “Would you want to go hunting with me tomorrow?”

You were taken aback and felt your eyebrows pinch together. “Arthur?...”

You gasped as he suddenly reached forward and grabbed both of your hands. “I just really think we should go hunting.”

“O..ok. Whatever you want to do tomorrow sounds good to me.” You tried to smile, but you felt it fall flat. Something wasn't right, and you were more than worried about him.

He stood abruptly “Good, we’ll leave first thing in the morning.” He kissed you on the top of your head and pulled you into a fierce hug that almost winded you. Then as quick as it happened, he let go, and walked across the camp to Charles.

You couldn’t sleep. Anxiety found its place in your chest, your breath was short, and your heartbeat felt a few beats quicker.

The hours ticked by slowly until the moon disappeared and the sun lit the sky a soft pink.

You sensed his presence and heard his footsteps, before you heard him gently calling your name. You turned over slowly pretending you had just had a good night's sleep.

He looked fully prepared for the day. Hat and coat were already on, and you looked over to your horses only to see that they both were saddled and ready.

“You about ready to go?”

You stood slowly, feeling probably how you looked, tired. When you studied his features from under the brim of his hat, you noticed that he didn’t look much better.

“Let me change and eat something.”

“Here.” He passed you a can of biscuits.

You looked at him a little angry at his impatience.

“Stew ain’t done yet, and I want to get out of here before Miss Grimshaw gets mad at me for takin’ ya.”

You nodded accepting both the biscuits and the explanation.

You wore your favorite outfit. It was a black buttoned up top with dark jeans that you liked to tuck into your black boots. It matched perfectly with your black hat that had a green ribbon around the base. You liked to call it your ‘outlaw’ uniform, because you always wore it when you were ‘outlawing’ (plus it made you feel badass), but Arthur hated that.

He hated what he felt that he made you into one. He hadn’t though, you would have become one, one way or another, either that or died. It was truly inevitable.

When you met him at your horses, he looked you up and down, a not so subtle frown on his face. He had grown to hate the outfit. It wasn’t that you didn't look great, it was the implications of it.

“I don’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to ruin any of my other clothes.”

He exhaled out of his nose and moved his horse forward, not even waiting for you to mount.

You stroked your horse lovingly, stuck one foot into the stirrups and then swung the other leg over until you were sitting high on his back.

You didn’t rush to catch up to Arthur. If he wanted to ride with you he’d have to slow down to your pace. You were gonna savor every second away from those annoying people you called your family. You weren't going to let his strange mood ruin your fun.

After a few minutes he seemed annoyed that you weren't beside him, so he turned around making a big circle and until you were riding alongside him.

It was then you noticed that he had two bows and what seemed like an excessive amount of arrows. You felt a thrill, more than a little excited to learn something new.

He led you to a spot not too far away from camp, maybe forty five minutes. And if you considered your slow pace, not far at all.

He offered to help you off of your horse, the first sign of your Arthur that you've seen in what felt like a long time. You accepted his hand as he helped you down.

He smiled at you as his hands naturally found your hips. He looked like he wanted to say something but instead he reached behind him and handed you the bow. “Charles made this for ya.”

“For me?” You looked at the dark wood with little vine-like carvings. “Wow, it's so beautiful.”

He swallowed thickly, and his eyes wandered not being able to look at you for too long. “You can thank him when we get back”.

“Oh I definitely will. I’ve always wanted my own bow.”

He looked back to you, the same strange expression on his handsome face.

“We’ll follow the sun a bit.” He pulled out his binoculars and looked ahead. “There’s always deer around these parts.”

“Should I be taking notes?” You were trying to poke fun to lighten the dark mood, but either he didn’t hear the humor in your voice, or maybe he didn't think it was funny.

“Nah, you've got a good memory.”

He then taught you how to hide your horses, but to never hitch them. That way they'd be able to come when you whistled. Which was very important when you had a large animal carcass.

Then he led you, on foot, through some trees, until you came upon an area of dense brush. He crouched and you copied him.

“Alright. Now I’m gonna teach you about tracking.”

You nodded like the diligent student you were. You liked ‘instructor’ Arthur. He was demanding and intense. It turned you on…

“You even listenin’ to me?”

You blushed and ducked your head. “Of course I am.”

“Then what did I just finish sayin’?” He stood, cocked his hips to the side, and then placed both hands on his gun belt.

You stood and tilted your head in an attempt of defiance.. “You were talkin’ about tracking.”

“What about it?”

After your long pause, he grew slightly frustrated. He took off his hat and pulled out his handkerchief to wipe his face and back of his neck. Then he messed with the fold of his hat before placing it back on his head.

He did the action to calm himself down. You suspected that it stopped him from fussing at you.

“Look, if you ain’t gonna take this seriously…”

“I want to learn.”

“Ok then.” He went on to explain how to track, and all the things you could find that animals left behind. Fur, droppings, and all kinds of fun stuff like that.

After tracking for a few minutes, he found a trail. He expertly followed it, speaking lowly, but still giving you plenty of pointers along the way.

Then he looked back at you and brought one finger to his lips. You quietly caught up. There were five deer, spread far enough apart to see individually, peacefully grazing on grass.

He whispered so softly you could barely hear him. He explained how to pick the right one to kill. You wanted to make sure it wasn’t sick, or had a fawn nearby.

He grabbed his bow, briefly showing you how to hold it, grabbed an arrow, and stood. Then he pulled the arrow back with his strong arm, gave a quick whistle, and when the deer looked up he let go. Killing the animal instantly.

The whole process was a bit sad to you. But the way that Arthur handled it, was the most humane way to do it. You needed to eat, the deer was food, and Arthur didn’t let it suffer.

You had never killed anything so seeing the animal laying there was a different experience. You ate animal every time you ate stew, and to eat stew someone had to do the exact thing you had just witnessed.

It was something that you’d get better at, you’d already felt less squeamish the more you looked at the dead animal.

“If we come across some more before it gets too late, I’ll teach you how to skin it, and the cleanest way to get its meat.”

Before you could protest the morbid idea, not quite trusting your adjusting stomach to go that far, he whistled loudly and after a few seconds you heard his horse galloping.

He took the arrow out, wiped the blood off, and placed the deer on the back of his horse. You went ahead and whistled for your horse as well, for some reason you wanted them to stay together. Then you both lead them to a secluded area, so you could continue your hunt.

“Ok, this next one is all you.” He gestured for you to take the lead.

You gulped. You had paid attention, you truly did. But having to remember things on the spot made you slightly nervous. That and the fact that Arthur wasn't himself. He was more intimidating and serious and that made you more than a little anxious. You didn't want to disappoint him.

At first you were doing great. After a few minutes of looking for droppings, you had found some, and that made the trail pretty clear. So you followed and followed, until you lost it completely.

He was positive and encouraged you. Afterall, this was your first time doing so. Frankly, he just seemed happy that you’d remembered some of his lessons.

Then a couple of hours later, you had lost count on how many animal turds you had inspected, you had finally found a small herd.

You smiled back at him, and as he caught up looking at what you'd found, he briefly let a smile escape through whatever was going through his head.

“Now what?” You stood close to him and whispered.

He nodded to your bow, which you pulled out, and went a step ahead and retrieved an arrow as well.

He stood behind you, so close that you could feel his breath on the back of your neck. He gently placed your arms where they needed to go pressed his body firmly against yours, pulling the bow back.

You held your breath as you felt his strong arms guide you, and when you felt his warm-calloused hands grip your hand and then your hip, you couldn’t help it, a little moan escaped as you looked up at him.

Unfortunately for you, this was at the same time he chose to release your arrow. It flew and fell a good ways away from the deer, causing the herd to disperse.

“Goddamnit!” He yelled.

You jumped at the unexpected outburst.

“Why can’t you just pay attention!?” He threw your bow down and started walking the opposite way, back towards the horses.

You stood frozen for a moment, and tried to understand what had just happened. Then when you were over the initial shock you picked up your bow and followed.

When you caught up you walked backwards so that you were facing him. “What the hell was that Arthur?” You were angry and your voice let it show.

His brows were pinched tightly and the brim of his hat was pushed down lower than usual.

He ignored you, and continued walking with long strides.

“Hey.” He didn’t stop.

“Hey!” You stopped in front of him, causing him to run into you before he looked up and stopped.

“What?” He had the nerve to grumble at you.

You took a deep breath and calmed down before speaking. “Look, I don’t know what's going on with you…”

“It’s nothin’.” He cut you off sharply.

“Well it's obviously something.” You took off your hat so he could see your expressions more clearly. “I know that I ain’t a natural or nothin’ but you don’t have to treat me like an idiot. This was my first time, and you know that.”

“You were distracted. You weren’t even paying any attention.” His voice was harsh and absolute. His eyes avoided yours.

“Yeah that's cause this guy who i've been courting had his big strong arms on me.” You said in a southerbell voice, while fanning yourself with your hat dramatically. You regretted it immediately when he didn't even smirk.

“Look I’m not going to apologize that I'm attracted to you.” You took a step forward getting just in his space. “And when you put your hands on me, I think of all the things those hands have done and can do.”

“A lot of killing.” He murmured

“Yeah...that’s true. But that ain’t quite what I was thinkin’.” You stood on your toes and kissed him.

It was the first time he hadn’t eagerly responded to one of your kisses, and an icey fear shot through your veins.

You took a giant step back. It all made sense now. “Are you trying to break up with me?” Your voice sounded dead to your own ears.

That got his attention. His whole face crumbled, and your Arthur came back. He took off his hat so that you could see him as he could you. “God no. How could you even ask that?”

“Well you seemed to be pretty annoyed with me.”

“I...I ain’t annoyed.” He sighed and shook his head.

You placed your hands on your hips, and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m really not.”

“You could have fooled me.”

“It’s not an easy thing for me to explain.”

Your face cooled down and your hands dropped by your side. “It’s ok we got time.” You looked up at him pleadingly. “Talk to me, please.”

He took a deep breath and nodded his head. He knew that he had to come clean, but he wasn’t sure he could do it. He looked around for a comfortable spot. “Fine. Let's go sit under that tree.”

He walked you over to a smooth boulder, under a big tree. You sat down side by side, thighs barely touching.

He placed his hands in his lap, as his fingers played with a tear in his pants.

You wanted him to speak first, no you needed him to speak first. Even though he said he wasn't ending things with you, it still felt like it. So you waited and waited, until he finally cleared his throat a few times and started to speak.

“Yesterday, when we was out lookin’ for a new camp.” He paused and worked his jaw a few times. “Everything was fine one minute. Bill was saying all these ignorant things and Hosea was schoolin’ him…” His eyes squinted at the memory. “And then out of nowhere, we were surrounded by O’driscoll’s.”

You laid your hand on his thigh, and without a second thought he grabbed a hold of it tightly. You felt a little less scared at the reassurance. His hand in your hand made the world feel right again.

“Dutch froze. He looked so shocked and angry. Like he couldn’t believe this was happenin’ to him.” His gaze was on the horizon, it looked as though he was reliving every detail.

“And then what happened?” You asked as your thumb rubbed circles on the back of his hand.

“He, he pulled out his guns and just started shootin’ em’.”

Your eyes widened. “Without trying to talk to them first?”

He shook his head. “He didn’t even try.”

“That doesn't sound like Dutch.”

“No it doesn't.” He sighed heavily. “Everyone but Dutch ran for cover. He just stood there in the middle of the field. Guns blazing. He looked insane, I don’t think he even blinked. I told everyone to cover him, while Charles and I went around them and flanked the bastards.”

“I’m glad at least you had a plan.” You said proudly. You knew that it wasn't important to him, but you always felt that he would make a good leader. He had something most leaders didn't, he actually cared about people.

He gave a humorless chuckle. “I suppose.”

“Why did you show up so dirty?”

“I came up on a group of them. I started shooting and then this sonofabitch tackled me from behind. We fell off of a small cliff and landed in mud.”

You panicked slightly. “You said you were ok.”

He turned, his piercing eyes stared straight into yours. “I’m fine...I know that we only fell for a few seconds but, but for the first time in my life...I was scared I was gonna die.”

“Cause he…”

“Cause I was afraid I couldn’t get back to you.” His eyes welled with tears and he quickly looked away in frustration. “Damnit, I’ve just never felt this way before, and I don't really know what i'm saying or how to say it.”

You sat quietly trying to take the confession in. Did you make him weak?

“...and if all of us would have died. What would have happened to y'all back at camp?”

“We would have figured something out.”

“None of you can even hunt.”

Then all the pieces fell into place, and the picture was clear. “Arthur I’m a grown woman..”

“And you're mine to look out for.” He squinted like he didn’t like how that sounded. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“No you are right. I am yours. Always. But you don't have to always look out for me.”

“I do though.” He turned fully towards you taking both your hands, reminding you of yesterday. “Look if I die out there, doing god knows what.”

You violently shook your head as tears welled up in your eyes.

“It, it could happen. And we both need to face them facts. If I were to not come back...I, I can’t die thinkin’ that you was left alone, not knowing how to defend yourself, or how to find food.” He leaned into your palm as you wiped a tear. “I ain’t strong enough for that. It scares the living shit out of me.”

He returned the favor and wiped some of your falling tears. “Don’t worry about me like that. I’d figure it out, you know I would.”

“I can’t help it. Leaving you would be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, and knowing that I made you an outlaw. Knowin’ that you couldn’t find honest work, or an honest husband because of me...”

“It ain’t your fault. You saved me.”

He pulled you to him. Unable to continue. He just wanted to forget everything.

The hug was fierce and you held on for dear life, and you heard him whisper, mostly to himself “and you saved me.” He was anchoring you at this very moment, without it you don’t think you would have been strong enough to stay upright.

“And I couldn’t help but think that I never would have gotten the chance.”

“What chance?”

He pulled back so he could look at you. “To tell ya how much you mean to me.”

You smiled. “I would have known.”

“I love you.”

You smiled wide. Your whole body felt warm and your heartbeat quickened. “I love you too Arthur. So very much.”

He kissed you. It wasn’t gentle but it also wasn’t rough. A perfect balance.

He kissed you until you felt his ridgid shoulders soften, and all the stress of yesterday disappear.

He looked in your eyes and spoke softly. “I’m so lucky.”

“Make me a promise then, please.”

“Anything.” He responded resolutely.

“If you ever have something like that going on in your mind you talk to me. Ok?”

His eyes hardened a little.

“I’ve spent the last twenty four hours worried about you. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn't eat. I even left the biscuits you gave me back at camp. And if you would have just told me how serious this was to you I would have been a better student.”

He smiled. “You were a fine student. I was just a little impatient is all.”

“No I most certainly wasn't. I was far too distracted by the teacher. Even if he was a little impatient.” You winked playfully.

He smirked.

You turned serious again. “Promise me. Please?”

“Alright I promise. But you have to know by now I ain’t an easy man to live with. Sometimes I bottle up and I’m not exactly sure why. And I'm definitely not used to being loved...It feels amazin’ don't get me wrong, I just ain’t used to.”

“Then I guess I got to work on you then.”

Grinning at your playful tone, he started kissing you again.

It was much, much later before you both returned to camp. The sky was purple and stars were becoming visible. The campfire was blazing, and, thankfully, the night air was much cooler.

You brought back two deer carcasses. Mr. Pearson was very happy and began prepping them right away.

After dropping off the deer, Arthur grabbed a beer, while you walked over to your bedroll. You packed all of your stuff and just as you stood, Karen walked up with a knowing look about her.

“And where do you think you're going?”

You stood proudly. “Arthur and I are sharing a cot.”

“About damn time.” She laughed while sashaying away, looking for trouble.

On your way to his wagon you passed by Charles, who was carrying a load of firewood.

“Oh Charles, thank you so much for the bow. It is the most beautiful one i've ever seen.”

He smiled. “I’m glad you liked it. Arthur made me build it so fast I was worried I wouldn’t have time to add the details.”

“It’s perfect, honest. Thank you.”

“You are very welcome. Anytime you need something like that let me know. All I ask is to give me some time in advance.”

You chuckled. “Ok no problem.”

You made your way over to his wagon and paused while looking at all of his stuff. It wasn’t the first time you studied his pictures, but it was the first time you noticed Mary's was missing.

At the start of a vulgar campfire song you looked over to your strange family. Arthur was probably on his second beer by now, and judging by the way he was enjoying himself it would be far from his last.

You sat a few of your beloved trinkets down on the table next to his flower in a jar. Set a picture of your parents next to the one of his mother, and placed your bow next to his in the corner. Then you shoved the rest of your things, and your clothes under his cot. You’d have to get some storage of your own soon.

You stood back admiring your work. Everything of yours looked somehow better mingled with his.

Satisfied with how everything looked, you made your way over to the campfire. He saved you a seat, greeted you with a big slightly drunken smile, and offered you a fresh beer.

After a few bars and a few beers, you found yourself happily singing along.