Chapter Text
Riley isn’t really sure how she knows it, but she does. One afternoon, all of their textbooks spread out before them, an anatomy test on the horizon and the beginnings of a headache coming on, she looks at Maya, as she often does, reading something while lying on her stomach, propped up on her forearms. She looks happy, like her soft sunshine Maya self (though Maya would never admit that she ever looks even remotely like sunshine). But it’s different. She wears it in the corner of her smile, like it’s a smirk, like it’s just for her. She’s not saving it for anyone or doing it because something in particular has happened. It’s almost a secret, but Riley can see it.
“Maya,” she says. “When were you going to tell me that you had a crush?”
Maya looks up from her textbook, a slight shade of pink spreading across her cheeks. “What?”
“Did you honestly think you could keep this a secret from me?” Riley presses, because to be honest, it’s kind of exciting.
“Keep what a secret from you?” Maya asks.
“Your crush?” Riley replies.
“What crush?”
“You’re being impossible, you know that? And the more you try to deflect it, the more I know I’m right. You can’t hide these kinds of things from your best friend. From me.”
She frowns. “I’m not hiding anything, you goofball.”
“You have a crush,” Riley insists. “You haven’t looked like that since... well, since Lucas. And that was back in ninth grade.”
“No idea what you’re talking about, Honey,” she says, but she’s smiling a little. Maybe because she thinks it’s fun to play with Riley or maybe because she’s thinking about... whoever it is.
“Wait a second.” Riley pauses for a moment, thinking. “It’s not... it’s not Lucas, is it?”
“God, no,” Maya scoffs.
“So you admit it!” Riley shouts triumphantly, closing her textbook. “There is somebody!”
“I admitted nothing, you lunatic.”
“You admitted that it’s not Lucas, which means that using my amazing powers of deduction, it must be someone else!”
“All I did was confirm with you that I do not, in fact, like Lucas, that’s all. What’s gotten into you?”
“I’m just excited, is all. We haven’t had guy talk since we were freshmen!”
“Not so, we had it four months ago,” she counters. She’s also closed her textbook, and looks up at me from across the floor. “Gardener? Or have you already forgotten?”
“I meant guy talk about you, silly. When were you going to tell me?”
“There’s nothing to tell, Riles. Honest. You’re being loony.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
Riley huffs. Why wouldn’t Maya want to tell her about it? Why would she be this desperate to keep this a secret from her. There was no question about it, Maya had a crush. But what could make Maya Hart, her absolute best friend in the world, who never keeps anything from Riley unless she has a really good reason to, like protecting her from something terrible or because she doesn’t want to admit how she’s feeling, keep this to herself? Wait...
“Maya,” she says, and she sounds like she’s scolding, which she doesn’t mean to be. “Please tell me this isn’t about Josh.” Yikes, she really didn’t mean to sound malicious. Josh is a touchy subject for her, for everyone. Now she’s starting to regret bringing this up at all.
“You know me better than that,” Maya replies. Apparently she didn’t notice Riley’s complete change in tone or she decided that she didn’t want to comment on it. “Don’t... don’t push this okay? It’s not what you think. And I promise you I haven’t thought about Josh like that in at least a year.”
“Good,” Riley replies, and she believes her, even though why should she? It’s clear now that Maya’s hiding something, even if that something isn’t Lucas or Josh, the two easiest guesses. Well, Riley wants to find out one way or another what’s really going on here. She’s going to, somehow, even if it kills her.
-
Is it really that obvious? That’s kind of embarrassing.
Well, clearly, she’s not that obvious. But still.
When the door to the Matthews residence shuts behind her after her study session with Riley, and Riley says goodbye with a parting wink that Maya pointedly rolls her eyes at, the first person she calls is Zay, which. Well, sure, that makes sense. She doesn’t even realize what she’s doing. She feels sort of numb.
She knew that she couldn’t keep this a secret forever. Maybe a long time, until she was sure she was ready, but not forever. But it wasn’t a long time. It was three weeks. She’s been counting. And she was so careful.
What gave it away? She thinks as she listens to the dial tone, staring at her reflection in the elevator. Did Riley slip a note from Maya’s bag when she wasn’t looking? Did she overhear them talking last week, underneath the bleachers? But that can’t be right, she said crush, not... well, any other word. Maybe she caught her staring in sixth period APUSH, which would be mortifying to say the least. But she did say ‘guy talk,’ which is almost just as mortifying. God.
He picks up after the fifth ring. “‘Sup, princess?” he says nonchalantly. Always the king of ease, she thinks.
“I think Riley is starting to figure something out,” she says, almost hushed, like somehow Riley followed her out into the street and is secretly listening into her phone conversations, which is ludicrous. “She asked me if I had a crush today.”
“Hmm,” he says helpfully. “Sorry.”
“Zay,” she protests.
“What do you want me to say, Hart? You knew this was gonna happen, so own up to it now before it gets awkward? That’s what I told you about two months ago, if not more.”
“Why did I even bother calling you at all,” she mutters to herself, but apparently he hears because he replies, “Yeah, why did you? Why don’t you call her?”
Because that would be the logical thing to do, she answers sarcastically, in her head. What part of this situation seems logical to you, Babineaux? “I just needed a friend,” she answers instead. Partially true, but the answer she needed to play the guilt card just right. She’s no stranger to stuff like this.
“Sorry,” he repeats. Whatever, like he actually means it, she thinks bitterly. Maya knows him well enough to know when he is and isn’t being sincere. Riley is sincere all the time. It’s one of her best qualities. Zay isn’t. It makes him like her.
Maya hangs up then, even though he did technically get the last word in. Just to rub it in a bit more, maybe to squeeze a few more drops of guilt out of him. Also, her mom just arrived, so it’s best that she end this conversation now before she gets bombarded with any questions. Who were you calling Maya? Why did you hang up just now? What are you hiding? After all this time, you’d think she’d have gained at least a little more trust from her. Hardly any detentions since middle school, no grade below a C, two AP classes, even an extracurricular volunteer club to satiate Riley’s incessant asking. But Farkle and Riley are right about one thing. ‘Who we were defines who we are.’ Their history was being written before they knew it was. Maya can’t do anything about that.
At least Shawn doesn’t know about a lot of that stuff. Or, well, he probably does, because that used to be him. He just understands better than her mom does.
“Hiya, sweetie,” she greets from the passenger seat, cheerful and bubbly as always. Maya smiles. “How was your day?”
“Fine,” Maya replies, as is the norm. She knows that once she tells Riley, she’ll probably have to tell her mom and Shawn too, because Riley’s going to tell her parents the first chance she gets, and Maya would rather her own parents hear it from her. At least she can have that.
“How’s Riley?”
“Good.”
Riley, she thinks, with her crooked teeth and a smile that absolutely doesn’t fit on her face, it wouldn’t fit on anyone’s face, it’s so big it consumes everything within a five mile radius of it. Her hair that’s getting longer, even though Maya keeps trying to convince her to cut it short because it would look super cute like that. Naive, generous, bright.
Jesus. What is Maya getting herself into?
-
Don’t push it is what Maya said to Riley, and she knows this. And she wants to honor that, because why wouldn’t she? But there’s this nagging feeling that she can’t shake. Maya wanted to hide this from her. Why did she want to hide this?
At school the next day, Riley is furiously reading over her anatomy flashcards for the upteenth time but barely processing it, as though mindlessly looking at facts about the brain will actually put them there permanently. Someone bumps her shoulder, and she doesn’t need to look up to know that it’s Maya, an effervescent smirk on her face.
They don’t usually go to school together anymore, now that Shawn can take her. She misses their morning subway rides a bit, although she loves that Maya has a father that can drop her off at school. Nothing could replace that. “‘Sup?” she greets. “How’s the studying going?”
Riley rolls her eyes. “Terribly,” she responds. “What about you?”
“I haven’t studied since I left your place yesterday.”
“But the test is today!” Riley protests. “Maya!”
“I know, I know, but I did study. And I had a lot of APUSH work to catch up on, or did you forget that you forced me to take another AP class with you.”
Riley rolls her eyes. “This is more important.”
“This isn’t an AP class,” she argues, but then she changes the subject. “Have you seen Zay anywhere?”
“Can’t say I have,” Riley replies, frowning. “Why?”
She shrugs. “No reason.”
Don’t push this, Maya’s voice repeats in her head. But her thoughts are racing a million miles a minute. She can’t keep thinking like this every time Maya happens to mention a name. That would be utterly exhausting.
“Well, I’ll see you in anatomy,” Riley says. “Good luck,”
Maya salutes her. “Same to you.” And then she takes off, rounding the corner and all but vanishing down the hall.
The test goes somewhat well, all things considered. Hopefully in the solid B range. That’s all Riley can hope for. Maya seems pleased with herself at lunch, so Riley assumes that she did well too. Today, they’re joined by Lucas and Farkle, which is nice. They don’t always have time to sit with them, so.
“Where’s Zay?” Maya asks Lucas, sipping somewhat pensively on her capri-sun.
He shrugs. “No clue. Why?”
Maya shrugs back, almost equally mimicking his gesture. Are you sure you don’t still like Lucas? Riley thinks somewhat suspiciously to herself. But that ship has long sailed, thankfully. It has for her too, which is for the best. They’re way better as friends, even though it’ll always mean something special to know that he was her first boyfriend. The first boy she ever really liked.
“Probably on the field,” Farkle pipes up. His voice has gotten deeper, much deeper than when they were kids. It’s like he goes through a new puberty every month and a half. It’s kind of endearing, although Riley thinks it’s starting to freak Maya out a little. Nothing is like it was when they were in middle school. Riley used to be the one that freaked out over change, but Maya has started to assume that role. Maya wishes that Farkle would stop changing how he looks and stay the same Farkle they know and love him for. Riley insists that Farkle is still the same on the inside and that he can’t possibly help how his outside changes too. Riley doesn’t say that Maya changes too, all the time. She started wearing more makeup and her brows are more noticeably done and her pout is more intentional than it was when they were in seventh grade, like she’s doing it on purpose to be the mysteriously attractive bad girl in town. Her wardrobe is getting sleeker and more refined, and though she hasn’t really gotten much taller, her posture has changed. Her poise, the way she holds herself is enough to make her feel like she has in fact gotten taller. Her attitude isn’t just a front to disguise her brokenness, her lack of desire to be approachable by others. She’s cool, she always has been, but something about puberty, or growing up, or finally having the sweet sixteen Riley still always dreamed about (until it happened and it sucked) made her... startling. Stunning. Unbelievable. It made her a lot of things. It made her want to have a crush again, apparently.
Lucas hasn’t changed much. Apparently he hasn’t changed since he was in the fifth grade, although that’s always been Maya’s thing to tease him about. Riley is almost sure she hasn’t changed. The bags under her eyes have gotten deeper, her knees are always bruised from constantly bumping against lockers or from tripping during cheer practice (yes, she did finally make the team last year, and it wasn’t just from guilt tripping the coach into letting her be a substitute. She practiced, and she got better, and she actually accomplished something for once in her life. It was glorious. It still is).
Riley knows that she is right about this crush thing. She knows it. She doesn’t need to prove it. And she doesn’t have to know who it is, if that’s what Maya wants. Riley figures she at least owes her that, after everything. The triangle, the angst. Maya is allowed to have some secrets.
But maybe not if they’re going to affect the integrity of the friend group. It’s the six of them, now and forever, Nothing is ever going to change it, but Maya having a crush on... Zay? Maybe? Could certainly complicate it. Zay... Riley frowns. She could see it, she supposes. They’re both moody, but they both have a heart of gold. They care, they’re both fiercely loyal... hm. Maybe that could be something that would be good for her. All of a sudden, Riley is totally on board with this. Even if Maya isn’t ready to tell her yet, Riley will be more than supportive whenever she is. And she’ll be there to give Zay that extra push, just in case he happens to need it.
-
Maya finds Zay after school, loitering in the parking lot. She stayed late today so she could hang out with Penny, and because Riley had cheer practice, and she’s her ride home.
Her name is actually Penelope, though she always goes by Penny, which makes sense. Maya isn’t sure if it’s a happy coincidence of fate that her girlfriend shares her middle name, or if it’s just a cruel irony the universe cooked up for her. She knows which Riley would say. She knows what she would say too.
She and Penny had hung out in the green room near the auditorium (Riley thinks she’s studying in the library. She did, sophomore year at least. Not anymore). She’s a drama geek, although she doesn’t seem the type, at least not when you first meet her. Penny is fierce. She’s a permanent smirk. There’s this glint in her eye, like she knows everything, like what you’re thinking, what you think of her, who she is, what she wants to do with her life. She’s so sure of herself. She has stark red hair, obviously dyed, straight as a stick, and it goes all the way down to her waist, and she has these astounding golden eyes. Maya’s been watching her since probably the first day of high school, though Riley didn’t know anything about that. She didn’t go to JQA.
There were a lot of reasons Maya took so long to approach her: she was still trying to wrap things up with Lucas, she still wasn’t sure if she was drawn to Penny because she liked her or wanted to be like her, she was genuinely nervous to do so (which was unsettling to say the least, hardly anything scared her), and because... well. Probably there was still this really small part of her. This little delusional piece of herself that wanted to hope for absolutely everything, even though she had already hoped for one thing and she had miraculously gotten it, and the universe had probably decided that was more than enough for Miss Maya Hart. Still, that delusional piece of herself clung onto her, like an annoying gnat, for a really long time. So. It took awhile for her to take the plunge.
The beginning of junior year officially stamped on that annoying gnat, thank god. Or maybe it was everything that happened the summer before it. Regardless, Maya is more than grateful that it’s gone. It finally feels like she can breathe around her best friend, and there was really a time that she did not feel like that at all.
Unfortunately, Maya failed to mention to Penny that Riley was probably going to find out about the two of them and that they needed to make an official decision about telling their respective friends. Probably because they were a little bit preoccupied with making out. Whatever, Maya isn’t complaining. But she still should have brought it up. Penny probably isn’t going to care, because that’s how she is. Cool as a cucumber. Down to just roll with the punches. Maya isn’t totally sure Penny hasn’t already told her friends about their relationship. But Maya is not Penny. Telling her friends that she’s in a relationship, much less with a girl, might be a nuclear bomb on them, the core six. Ever since Riley’s blow up about Charlie Gardener in July, the subject of dating really rarely comes up with them. It’s touchy. Feelings are complicated in their group, whether or not they’d like to admit it.
Anyways, maybe Maya will call her later tonight to talk about it. It might be a little easier if it’s not exactly face to face. But right now she has Zay to deal with, the annoying little butthole who avoided her all day after being a jerk, who owes her weed money, who’s the only one in the group who knows about the whole Penny ordeal. Usually it’s Riley who’s her shoulder to cry on, her fountain of advice and the person she would go to if she ever had someone to woo. Not that she has ever done that, gone to Riley for wooing advice, that is. The only other people she’s ever tried that on was her and the first boy she ever liked. That was still kind of a dick move, on Maya’s part. Now, Zay tends to be her person. It’s weird. It’s nice though. He’s a surprisingly good listener, he can be kind and caring when he wants to be, and he always calls Maya out on her bullshit. She never told him about her feelings for Riley, exactly, not in as many words, but he probably figured it out at some point. He doesn’t ever bring it up, which she’s grateful for. It’s really anyone’s guess if anyone in the group has figured it out, Riley included.
He narrows his eyes at her. He’s super sweaty, as he’s just coming out of football practice. The season’s almost over, which he’s apparently thankful for. It means he can start focusing on doing his homework and doing SAT prep, and start smoking more frequently without feeling so guilty or so paranoid. That means Maya’s thankful too, although she’ll miss going to the game on Friday nights and getting burgers and milkshakes with her friends afterwards.
“Maya,” he greets flatly. He’s actually panting a little. Wow, they must have worked them pretty hard today. He’s still wearing his workout clothes.
“You owe me,” she responds. “Twenty bucks.”
“Rain check?”
“It has been. For over a month.”
“Whatever.” They don't say anything for a moment. The football team’s all leaving now, and the cheerleaders should be making their way out soon. “Look,” he says. “I am sorry. Genuinely. Although to be honest, I’m not really sure what the big deal is. I know it’s not going to be easy to, like...” He frowns. Maya rolls her eyes.
“Come out?” she finishes.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “And tell people about her. I get it. But seriously, she’s your best friend. She loves you no matter what.”
“I know.”
He shrugs. “So... what are you waiting for?”
What is Maya waiting for, exactly? Confirmation from Penny that it’s okay? A sign that she’s making the right choice, by going through with all of this? The assurance that everything is going to be okay? Or maybe that annoying gnat was never really stamped out. Maybe making things really official is a change that Maya knows she’ll never be able to take back, and that scares her.
She hears the cheer squad pouring out of the locker room and onto the street before she sees them, laughing and giggling and talking way too loudly. She hears Riley too.
Zay looks at his phone. “I’ve gotta go,” he says, “but listen, call me as soon as you tell her. I’m serious. Tell me how it goes.”
He backs away. Maya wants to reply with something snarky, just so she can get the last word in, but all of a sudden, there’s Riley, bouncy and smiley as she always is after cheer practice. It puts her in a really good mood. It’s good for her. And Zay’s gone.
“Looks like you finally found your guy,” she says as her greeting.
“Huh?”
“Zay? You’ve been asking about him all day.” Her eyebrows are practically at her hairline. She’s grinning from ear to ear. God, she’s dense.
“How was practice?” Maya asks, changing the subject.
“Delightful,” she replies, though Maya didn’t need her telling her so to know that. Riley wears her delight all over her, bouncy and brimming with giggles. “Shall we?” She holds out her hand for Maya to take. Oh, the irony.
“We shall,” she replies, grabbing Riley’s hand. And just like that, they’re off.