Chapter Text
He was back in the Shrieking Shack, sprawled on the floor, every inch of his body aching.
“Back here again, Moony?” said a familiar voice. His feet made the floorboards creak with each step. “Are you trying to relive our golden days at Hogwarts?”
Shiny black shoes came to a stop just a few inches away from his face. Remus managed to raise his head just enough to see school trousers and an untucked dress shirt.
“Go away,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“You should make up your mind, mate; first you come looking for me and then you tell me to go away? That’s a way to confuse a lad,” his deep voice was tinted with amusement.
“I didn’t come looking for you, I came here to make a living,” Remus said, annoyed. He wanted to get up and shout at him, but he was tired. So, so tired. “I just want to move on with my life.”
“You can’t erase me,” the voice said petulantly. “Whatever you tell yourself, I’m still important to you. Those feelings are still there, no matter how hard you try to bury them.”
His annoyance gave way to anger, boiling hot inside his chest. “Stop telling me what I feel or don’t feel. If I want to forget about you I will, even if I spend my whole life trying.”
“Good luck doing that in this place.”
Remus closed his eyes, trying to think of a clever answer, but he was right. He’d gone straight to the source of all those memories he’d been trying so hard to forget. When he opened them again, Sirius Black was crouched next to him, just as he was in their school days. This was seventeen year old Sirius as he remembered him, mischievous and carefree, with his crooked tie and cocky grin. His longish black hair was swept to one side, away from his face so his grey irises were in full display.
“Please, go away,” whispered Remus again, his voice dripping with desperation.
“You go away,” said Sirius childishly.
“I can’t move. I’m exhausted, Padfoot, I can’t deal with you on top of everything.”
He felt like Atlas, crushed by the weight of the world. The burden of his choices weighted on him as much as the things in his life he couldn’t control; his condition, his feelings, other people’s betrayals and prejudices.
“I’m sorry, Remus,” Sirius replied with a sad smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Sirius lay next to him, refusing to take his eyes off Remus. He raised a hand and laid it on Remus’ cheek. His touch was delicate, loving, making him feel helpless. Back to being seventeen and unable to resist the human hurricane that was Sirius Black.
“Why did you do it?” he whispered.
But Sirius didn’t answer. Instead, he inched closer, his mouth only a breath away from his. Remus let his eyelids drop and reached for Sirius’ neck, felt his smooth hair and the warmth of his skin.
“What are you doing?” said a girl’s voice, suddenly. Remus opened his eyes, expecting to see Sirius in front of him, but coming face to face with Lily Evans instead. She was the one who now lied next to him, examining him suspiciously with her intense green eyes.
“Nothing!” he startled, putting some distance between them. “I was just…”
He was racking his brain for an explanation, but everything started to melt around him. Lily’s face became hazy until it disappeared completely, followed by the rest of the Shrieking Shack. All at once, the floor gave way from under him, plunging him into darkness. As he was plummeting into the unknown, he heard another girl’s voice.
“I was looking for Ron,” she said apologetically.
Remus kept falling, but he was too confused to be afraid. Another person spoke, a boy this time. “Come in and sit down. Not here, I’m here!”
That’s when he realized he was dreaming.
He woke up with a start. It took him a few seconds to realize he was not in the Whomping Willow, but in a compartment inside of the Hogwarts Express, on his way to the castle. Or at least he should’ve been on his way there. The train had stopped and the power had gone out which, given the weather outside, meant they’d been plunged into darkness. The voices he’d heard inside his dream had actually come from the people that where in the compartment with him, a bunch of students by the sound of them.
“Quiet,” he said.
The room fell silent. His brain started working at a hundred miles per hour, analysing the situation. This was not good. In all his years at Hogwarts the train had never lost its power—something must’ve happened. He remembered the pocket flames he had put somewhere inside his robes and took them out quickly, which allowed him to get a glimpse of his surroundings. There were five young faces around him, twisted in diverse stages of surprise, fear and awe. They watched him intently, awaiting his next move
“Stay where you are,” he said, his voice still scratchy from sleep.
However, as he stood up, the door of the compartment opened slowly, revealing a dark and tall figure on the other side.
The Dementor towered over them, making the room cold with its bare presence. Its hand was clearly visible where it lay on the doorway and, under the light of the flames, the grey skin looked like decaying flesh. The creature inhaled. Immediately, he felt all of his strength leave him. It was like in the dream but worse, because he couldn’t let himself go and give up. As a professor, he was responsible for these children now; he had to keep them safe.
Remus took out his wand and started towards the Dementor, carefully going over one of the kids, who’d fallen from his seat.
“None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks,” he said with as much firmness as he could muster. “Go.”
Yet the Dementor didn’t move. It kept breathing in, and images started to flash inside Remus’ head, one after another. His mother crying in the kitchen while his father’s eyes stared ahead, looking defeated. James shouting at Sirius, while Remus lay on an Infirmary bed, unable to look at either of them. His hands clutching a letter, the ink splotched by his own tears. Peter’s mother in black robes, hugging him tightly as she sobbed desperately. The Prophet laying on his old kitchen table, with Sirius’ ashen face looking right at him from his place in the front page.
Remus pushed the memories away and forcefully replaced them with others. His mother reclined next to him on a mattress, reading a book aloud. A twelve-year-old James, wearing enormous glasses and smiling with a toothy grin, calling him Moony for the first time. The Maurader’s Map sprawled on the dormitory floor, displaying every inch of the castle, while James hugged Peter, and Sirius tried to force Remus to have some firewhisky. James and Lily, radiant in their wedding robes, raising a glass next to a handsome Sirius.
“Expecto Patronum,” he said in a whisper.
He could only see the outline of a silver wolf coming out of his wand, but it was enough. The Dementor backed away and retreated down the corridor, taking the cold with him.
Remus turned around to check on the kids. One of the girls had curled down next to the window, trembling, while the rest were gathered around a boy. He had fallen from his seat and was shaking violently. Remus got closer to them, trying to gauge if he was okay, when the lights turned on again, illuminating the compartment. Remus could finally make out the kids' faces, but his gaze got caught on one in particular. After the initial shock, he was trying so hard to control his emotions that, as soon the train started moving, he just fell into a seat, at the full mercy of inertia. The boy laying on the ground was the spitting image of James, from his messy hair to the shape of his face. It was Harry Potter, James and Lily’s son. Remus had known he’d be Harry’s teacher and, therefore, had been bracing himself for their meeting. Except he had thought that he’d see him for the first time at the feast, from a distance, not after a Dementor encounter that had rattled him to his core.
By the time Harry came to, Remus had managed to compose himself. However, when he spotted his green eyes, so similar to Lily’s, a knot started constricting his throat. While Harry asked his friends about what had happened, Remus busied himself searching inside his pockets for some chocolate.
“Here, eat it. It will help,” he said, once he felt sure he could speak normally, and handed the boy an enormous piece of chocolate.
Harry accepted it but didn’t eat it. Instead, his eyes bared into Remus, wearing a deeply troubled expression. “What was that thing?”
“A Dementor,” he replied, giving chocolate to the rest of the kids to avoid looking at Harry. There was a ginger boy who looked like he must be a Weasley, another who was the spitting image of Frank Longbottom, and a girl with bushy hair and a worried expression. “One of the Dementors of Azkaban.”
Lastly, he approached the girl in the corner, whose face was completely covered by her fiery red hair. He handed her an especially big chunk. When he was finished, he crumpled the paper and pocketed it. “Eat, it should help,” Remus said smiling, talking with a confidence he didn’t really feel.
All of the sudden, he couldn’t take being in that little compartment any longer. It was so full of a mix of his past and future, the memories of happy times now tinted by the tragedy of the present, he felt like his heart was trying to burst from inside his chest. He needed time to compose himself. He had to get out. “I need to speak to the driver, excuse me.”
It took all of his self-control not to storm out. He walked into the hallway and strolled decisively through the train, smiling at any student that passed him by. His expression was calm due to years of practice; Remus Lupin considered himself somewhat of a professional liar, perks of his condition. He could feel like he was breaking into a million little pieces, but he’d always look collected. And he took pride in that
As soon as he reached a bathroom, he got inside and locked himself in. Only then did he finally allow his emotions to show. He crumpled against the wall, breathing heavily. “You’re okay, Remus, you’re okay,” he repeated, like a mantra.
Nonetheless, his thoughts kept spiralling. Harry was so grown up and he looked so much like James—he hadn’t been ready for that. Had it really been twelve years since James and Lily’s death? Sometimes the pain felt so sharp, it was as if he’d lost them yesterday. Harry Potter was the last that remained of two of his best friends, the perfect combination of them both. And in that moment, locked in the Hogwart’s Express’ bathroom, Remus decided he would do everything to protect Harry. Even if it meant facing his worst fears. For Harry, he felt capable of finally going face to face with Sirius Black.
After a few minutes, he started to feel calmer. He splashed his face with water and got back to the hallway, resuming his way to the beginning of the train. This was all the extent of a mental break down he was allowed, no more. He’d speak to the conductor, write a letter, and use the emergency owl to send it to Hogwarts so they were aware of what’d happened. And then, he’d return to the compartment and face his best friend’s son, like he was just another student.