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~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He’d been taking classes.
His therapist had recommended that he find something that was new and unique to him as he was now, instead of continually trying to reclaim the pieces of his past.
At first he thought the suggestion was bullshit. He wanted to remember who he had been. He wanted to see if there was anything left of that person inside him. His memories were gradually returning, but he got impatient.
Then Sam had managed to convince him to spend some time at the VA, to let himself be around other vets who were also having a rough time but were trying to work through it. He saw that he wasn’t alone. Yeah, these other fellas hadn’t gone through what he had, but they’d been in a war and it had fucked them up. Some of them had been held by the enemy, some had just seen shit no one should ever have to witness. It was all just layers of a shit cake, as Darcy would say.
That was one thing he’d finally come to terms with. James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes had been a prisoner of war. His actions while under Hydra’s control were not his fault. He regretted what he’d done, but there really hadn’t been anything he could have done to stop it.
What he did now, though, now that his mind was his own again and he could make decisions for himself; that was all on him. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to do right by those he was slowly starting to call friend.
So James (not Bucky, not yet, maybe not ever again), took a breath and made himself actually listen to what Dr. Andrews was trying to tell him. He was never going to be the guy he was before the war. Even if his life hadn’t taken the path it had, his experiences before his fall from the train had changed him, hardened him, and revealed a side of him he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge existed.
He was a different person and he needed to find out just who that was. What did this James Barnes like? He had no idea, but he had nothing but time now, so he may as well take a chance and see.
He didn’t tell Steve what he was planning. Things were strained between them as it was. He didn’t need the big lug looming over his shoulder while he tried to figure this out. James got that Steve wanted to help, he really did, but he didn’t want to be dependent on his old friend. He wanted to stand on his own and meet Steve as an equal.
When he’d finally let Steve and Sam catch up to him, James agreed to live in the tower with the rest of the Avengers, but he refused to live with Steve. He wanted his own space. Yes, he was still learning how to be human again, but he didn’t need, or want, a babysitter; especially not one who he could remember in bits and pieces and none of those pieces fit together in a way that made sense. Being around Steve actually caused James physical pain those first few months. It had gotten better, but they still walked on eggshells around each other.
James hoped that if these classes panned out, maybe they could learn to be friends again. Maybe they could like each other for who they were now and not just who they used to be.
Jesus Murphy, their lives were fucking complicated.
Aside from JARVIS (who freaked him out at first, but was now one of his best friends; he might not have a body, but at times James thought JARVIS was more human than he was. The guy was fuckin’ awesome and was always there when he needed to talk), Darcy was the only other person who knew what he wanted to do.
James smiled unconsciously as he thought about her. Darcy was the best of both worlds as far as he was concerned. The bombshell body and sass he vaguely remembered going for Before combined with all that came with being a modern 21st century woman. She teased him and did her best to keep him from getting too broody and down on himself. She didn’t let him use his past as an excuse to hide. She didn’t pry, but she never turned him away when he wanted to talk either. She never made him feel like an idiot for not getting a pop culture reference; she just had JARVIS pull up the source material and let him learn for himself.
The look on her face when he told her he wanted to take a couple of classes was priceless. He’d never seen anyone light up like she did when he handed her the course catalog from one of the local community colleges and asked if she’d help him pick out some classes to take.
Darcy grabbed his hand and led him to her apartment. She pushed him towards the couch while she got two bottles of root beer from the kitchen and a bag of chips. She handed him one of the sodas and folded herself into the corner of the couch.
“What do you want to learn?” she asked with a bright smile.
James shrugged. “Dunno. Dr. Andrews suggested I find something that was just for me. Hell if I know what I want. Some days I’m lucky if I can choose what cereal I want to eat.”
Darcy pressed her big toe into his thigh, hard. “Stop that. You haven’t had a problem with choice paralysis in three months. Learning is fun! This shouldn’t feel like a chore, James. If it feels like something you have to do then you won’t get any joy out of it.” She waited until he acknowledged that he understood what she was getting at and then she asked, “Now, do you want to go for a degree or do you just want to see what’s out there?”
James slouched down into her comfy couch and took a drink as he considered the question. “I think I just want to see what’s out there. Maybe if something really grabs me I’ll think about a degree, but right now I just want to learn something new.”
She nodded and opened up the catalog. “Alrighty then. Let’s see what they’ve got.”
~*~
He took a drawing class first. He’d chosen it partly because of Steve, thinking maybe they could bond or some shit over a shared interest. He also chose it partly because his eye for detail was off the charts. He thought he’d maybe been observant Before, but there was no question about it now. He and Clint played some epic games of ‘I Spy’.
Turned out that just because he could see damn near everything didn’t mean he could draw it in the same detail. He was good at sketching, but putting a polish on it just wouldn’t happen. His instructor said he was pretty talented, though. She told him that if he wanted to pursue it as a career he could probably get work as a sketch artist for the courts. It was a thought, but not something he was really interested in. He had a feeling that would just be trigger after trigger waiting to happen.
Next up was an ASL class. He had experience with military signs, but actual conversational sign language was something new. After the first three sessions he decided it was definitely something he was going to keep up with, if only so he and Clint would be able to talk during movie night without bothering anyone. He was going to try and get Darcy to take some of the classes with him. It would be nice to have at least one more person to practice with and he thought she’d enjoy it, too. It was fun and served a purpose and he liked it.
That made him smile. He’d found something he liked that he didn’t know Before. Looked like Dr. Andrews knew what she was talking about.
Now he was finishing up a cooking class. He’d been able to get by in the kitchen, but his repertoire wasn’t anything fancy. Whatever he made was edible, but that was about it. He wanted to have a few things under his belt that he could whip out if he wanted to impress someone. Unexpectedly, he found himself really enjoying it. He liked sketching all right, and knew that his work could be appreciated, but cooking was different. The pleasure he got from cooking was more fulfilling. He couldn’t really explain why, it just was.
Darcy was going to be his guinea pig for his final project. It was the first time he was cooking for anyone outside of the classroom. He didn’t want to say he was nervous, but… he was nervous.
Thank God the meal was fairly simple: Baked Chicken Parmesan with linguine, salad, and garlic bread. He’d cheated a little and bought the bread (come on, he lived in New York City; if he couldn’t find a decent Italian loaf there then he really had no business in being in the city), but he’d made the garlic spread himself. He’d also bought a cheesecake when he got the bread. If dinner went well, maybe he’d try a dessert making class next.
Darcy showed up just as he dropped the pasta in to cook. James swallowed at the sight of her. Others would probably say she looked like a…what had she called it once? Right, some would say she probably looked like a hot mess, but he thought she was beautiful. She looked real and comfortable in her own skin and he thought that was sexier than the most polished dame any day (no offense, Pepper). Her long hair was up in a sloppy topknot and her eye makeup was a little smudged behind her glasses. She was wearing a pair of dark green leggings, flip flops, and a white button-down shirt. He blinked and looked a little closer. That was one of his shirts. When had she lifted that?
He licked his lips. Holy hell, did she have any idea what she did to him?
There was something about a woman in a man’s shirt that was sexy as hell. Knowing that it was his shirt that Darcy was wearing took that to a whole different level.
“Oh my god, whatever you’re cooking smells delicious,” Darcy commented as she entered his apartment, pausing to kiss him on the cheek. “JARVIS didn’t rat you out about what we’re having, but he suggested a good red when I asked, so here,” she said as she held out a bottle of wine.
James took it automatically and finally managed to tear his eyes away from the hint of cleavage peeking from the open collar of her (his) shirt. He closed the door and looked down at the bottle. “Half Cabernet Sauvignon, half Shiraz,” he read and looked at her with raised eyebrows.
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, bub,” she said breezily.
She edged towards the kitchen, but James caught her hand and led her to the dining table. “No peeking. Everything’s almost ready, just sit and relax and tell me about your day.”
Darcy bit her lip, but took him at his word, as she launched into the latest and greatest exploits of the Science Triplets. There had been no explosions, so she counted that as a win; so did he. James smiled to himself as she talked, letting her words wash over him as he put the finishing touches on their meal.
He carried out a big bowl of salad along with a couple of different dressings. “I didn’t know if you’d want creamy or vinaigrette, so I made both,” he explained.
“Dude, you made the dressings?” she asked in awe as he set everything down.
James shrugged. “Yeah, it wasn’t that hard. Personally, I like the creamy pesto, but the sundried tomato vinaigrette isn’t bad either.”
He grinned when she dished some of the salad up while he went back into the kitchen to get the rest of the meal. “I’m going to try both,” she declared. “Also, sorry for not waiting for you, but I missed lunch because of Science and I’m starving.”
“No worries, doll, help yourself. There’s plenty,” he said as he placed a plate of the Chicken Parm and pasta in front of her and one at the place across from her. He made one more trip to the kitchen for the garlic bread and finally sat down. He opened the bottle of wine she’d brought, poured glasses for each of them, and then served himself some of the salad.
Darcy moaned and her eyes rolled back as she sampled the different dressings. “Ohmugud,” she mumbled around a mouthful of greens. She swallowed and said, “I am never eating store bought dressing again. I will pay you to make these, James. They’re both incredible.”
He ducked his head and grinned, pleased. So far, so good. “Thanks, doll.”
She finished her salad and reached for the garlic bread. “You make the bread, too?”
“No,” he admitted. “Baking and I aren’t on speaking terms yet. I think that might be next on my list. But I did make the garlic spread.”
Darcy took a bite and whimpered. James shifted in his seat as his pants got a little tight at the sound. “So good,” she muttered.
Jesus, if these were the sounds she made eating a simple meal, what would she sound like in a more intimate situation?
James took a sip of wine and tried to get his mind out of the gutter. He paused and took another sip. It was really good wine.
He watched her cut into the chicken and was pleased to note that the coating stayed where it was supposed to. He’d been worried that it would crack and fall off, but it came out just as he hoped it would.
She took the bite, her eyes closing as she savored it, and he waited with baited breath for the verdict. When she opened her eyes he leaned forward a little, wordlessly asking for her opinion.
“Delicious,” she said simply. He let out a relieved sigh and applied himself to his own plate. They were almost done when she asked, “Did you make the sauce from scratch?”
James nodded and swallowed before answering. “I found some really good tomatoes at the farmer’s market the other day. I made it in class with canned tomatoes but it tasted tinny to me. I like using fresh ingredients when I can and the instructor encouraged us to get creative. JARVIS helped me find some tips on making sauce from scratch and I cobbled this together from a few different sources.”
She smiled softly at him and he paused. “What?”
She shook her head. “Nothing. It’s just good to hear you talk like that.” When he just looked at her blankly, she elaborated. “Like you’ve found something you really enjoy. You like the ASL and I’m still down with learning with you, but this, cooking, you’re excited about it and that makes me happy to see. You’re good at it, too, and that also makes me happy. I am going to bug you to cook for me all the time,” she finished cheekily.
James was blushing. He could feel the heat in his cheeks, so he ducked his head and started to methodically clear his plate. He paused when Darcy laid her hand over his on the table and she said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just think Dr. Andrews is going to be really happy with you.”
He shrugged, but didn’t dislodge her hand. “Probably, but I’m not doing it for her. She gave me the push, and I did need it, but this is all for me. And you’re right. I do like it. I like creating something that’s good and that I can share if I want.” He turned his hand over to cradle hers, giving it a slight squeeze. “Thank you for helping me, Darcy. I don’t think I could have done it without you.”
She squeezed his hand back even as she made a ‘pfft’ noise. “Don’t give me too much credit. All I did was throw shit out there and provide commentary. You’re the one that took the initiative and actually chose the things you’ve tried. I don’t mind reaping the benefits at all, but this really is all you.” She leaned forward a little, like she was imparting a great secret. “You’re a pretty kickass guy, James Barnes.”
He gave her a crooked smile and leaned forward as well. “You’re a pretty swell dame yourself, Darcy Lewis.”
She grinned at him. “God, I love it when you talk ‘40s to me. It’s like a Bogey and Bacall movie come to life.”
He cocked his head, tipped an imaginary hat, and gave her his best Bogart. “‘Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.’”
She giggled, her nose wrinkling in a way that made James want to kiss her, and he decided to go for it. He stood up, still holding her hand, and pulled her up as well. He cupped her cheek with his free hand and her giggles trailed off. She looked up at him and he murmured, “Stop me if I read this wrong, but I really want to kiss you right now.”
Darcy blinked at him, but swayed a little closer. “I am totally on board with that,” she said softly.
She tasted like garlic and wine, but so did he, so he figured they were even. Their first kiss was softer than he’d imagined, but it was wonderful. He wanted more, but he wasn’t going to push.
When they parted, Darcy licked her lips and slowly opened her eyes. She looked at him for a long moment and he did his best not to hide. He wanted her to see that he was serious. “Is this just a friend thing, or…,” she trailed off, like she wasn’t certain what answer she was looking for.
“You’re one of my best friends, Darcy. I don’t want that to change, but I’d like to see if we could be more.” He fingered the collar of her shirt. “I almost decided to forget dinner when I realized you were wearing one of my shirts. That is sexy as hell. You are sexy as hell. You have no idea how hard it’s been to keep my hands off you at times.”
She was blushing by the time he finished and she ducked her head. He lifted her chin with his index finger and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. “If you want me to back off, I will.”
“No, no, I could listen to you say things like that all night. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all of this. In some ways it seems kinda sudden, but really, I think we might have been heading this direction all along. Spending time with you is easy and I don’t want to stop.”
She bit her lip and ran her free hand over his chest. He sucked in a breath and shivered as her fingers skimmed over his nipple. She looked up at him from under her lashes and he groaned. He leaned down and caught her lips again and this kiss was anything but soft.
They were gonna set the damn room on fire if they didn’t slow down. He wasn’t entirely sure that would be a bad thing. James backed Darcy into the table and she knocked over one of the wine glasses. It was enough to knock them out of the sensual haze.
“Leftovers,” she mumbled against his lips.
He frowned and pulled back to look at her. “Huh?”
“You should put the leftovers away and I should go back to my apartment.”
His eyebrows shot up. “You’re leaving?!”
Darcy swallowed and her hands flailed a little. “I wasn’t expecting this! I haven’t shaved my legs in three days and I’ve got garlic breath! As amazing as those kisses were, the rest of it is not my idea of a great start to sexy times.”
James’ lips twitched. A small snort escaped and then he just started laughing. Darcy huffed at him and started clearing the table. He followed her into the kitchen and stepped up behind her as she set the plates in the sink. Wrapping his arms around her, he whispered in her ear, “I’ve got garlic breath, too, and I could care less if you’ve got prickly legs or not. But if you want to wait, we’ll wait. No rush, no pressure. Okay?”
She leaned her head onto his shoulder and folded her hands over his where they rested at her waist. “Thank you. I want this, I just want to be a little girly and make it pretty. You know?”
He nuzzled her neck. “Not really, but I’m not gonna argue. When it happens, it happens.”
Darcy turned in his arms and laced her fingers behind his neck. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. Before it could go too far, she pulled back and petted his chest one last time. “I’m going to go before I forget my admittedly weak, but valid, reasoning and change my mind. Thank you for dinner. You’re going to ace the class. And you can absolutely cook for me any time,” she said with a cheeky grin.
James let her go. “How about dinner tomorrow night? I’ll do Mexican.”
“I’ll bring my toothbrush,” she said with a smile and a wink as she slipped out the door.
James could feel the goofy grin on his face, but didn’t bother trying to hide it. No one was around to see it anyway. He started cleaning up the kitchen, not even sorry that they hadn’t gotten to the cheesecake.
“Hey JARVIS?”
“Yes James?”
“Think you could find me a good dessert making class? I’m feelin’ a little adventurous.”
“I will have a list for you in the morning.”
“Awesome. Thanks, J. How ‘bout some tunes?”
“Certainly, sir. Will there be anything else?”
James looked up at the camera in the corner of the kitchen and grinned. “Nah, I’m good for right now, buddy. Have a good night.”
“You as well, sir. And, if I may, congratulations on your culinary accomplishments as well as your new relationship with Miss Darcy. I am happy for you.”
James ducked his head. “Thanks, J.”
“Goodnight, James.”
Glenn Miller poured from the speakers and James danced his way through the clean up. He wasn’t all the way back to good yet, but he was definitely on the mend.
He was learning new things and there were nothing but possibilities ahead of him. He had a chance to be happy and he was going to take it.
-30-