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Her heart races, and her breathing catches in her chest. She can hear the sound of bullets ricocheting off metal, feel the hoarseness of her voice, and hear the sound of screams... before realising the screaming belongs to her.
Blood in her hair and coating her skin, her hand seeking out David’s, and then his voice, reassuring through the chaos.
One lone blue eye, meeting one of hers.
Seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours. There are vehicles being held back from coming to their rescue, the two of them alone, inside the car, only them knowing what it was like to be there.
Her body curled as small as she can be, tucked behind the seat, cowering, her limbs shaking, protected only by armoured plating and her PPO -- the man who saved her life. The bullets kept coming, but no one else was coming to save her.
He’s climbing from the front seat, crouching beside her, and then he’s outside of the car. She has seconds of panic, worried as to whether he too would be blown to pieces. His return to the car, his decision, to move her from the invisible attacker’s line of sight. The bullets are still coming. The window hit. Another crack appeared, the spinning of the car, and then stopping. David left her, and she had wondered if she would ever see him again. The sound of another voice, then sirens. There were people staring.
Her eyes still closed, she sits up in her bed. A dream, it was just a dream, but nonetheless another one. The same one, but at least it isn’t every night now. Weeks have passed since that fateful day at Thornton Circus, but there are moments when she is dreaming that she feels she is right back there, stuck inside that car and screaming her lungs out. She places a hand on her chest. She can feel her heart thudding underneath her ribs, as she breathes deeply and opens her eyes.
The familiar view of her Blackwood Hotel suite comes into view. She’s almost used to living here now. It seems amusing to her that now that she is finally accustomed to her new home, there are already discussions taking place as to when she can return to her flat. The room is dimly lit, and she can just make out a few pieces of the high-end furniture. She stares at each of them before she turns her attention to the man beside her.
He is asleep, breathing peacefully beside her. She smiles at him softly. He's never been asleep when she has awoken from one of her dreams before. He’s always awake. She remembers the first time his deep blue eyes met hers, staring at her reassuringly, before he took her into his embrace, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, and kissing her softly. He told her that she just had a dream. That she was okay, and he was there beside her.
She watches him for a moment. He is sleeping on his side, his body turned towards her, the side of his face resting on one of his outstretched palms. He is snoring quietly, his breathing is even and she has to restrain herself from reaching out to stroke his cheek. She knows he must be tired. Today had been a busy day. When they had left the Blackwood this morning, the day had been expected to entail a trip to the Home Office followed by a visit to Westminster. But his day had become a little more complicated than that.
She had just finished a conference call when she had looked out toward where she had been expecting him to be standing. Instead of him, she had found Kim smiling back at her. She had momentarily worried about where he had gone, until she was distracted by another phone call and then by Rob, reminding her that she was needed for a session at Westminster. Kim had appeared beside her at the elevator and had informed her that David had been needed urgently at Charlie’s school. The little boy had fallen in the playground and had broken a tooth. The school had had no luck in reaching Vicky.
David’s children were very important to him. Julia had always enjoyed seeing the smile on his face whenever they were mentioned. The gesture would often reach his eyes and his nose would crinkle and though Julia had not told him, she found it very endearing.
He had been gone for the rest of the day and by the time she had seen him again she had been back in her room.
She is nursing her second glass of wine and reading her third report as a soft knock taps on the other side of the adjoining door. The door is never locked these days, simply closed occasionally when matters of state require it, or when it needs to appear like the two of them do not cross over one another’s threshold on a nightly basis. She turns her head and smiles as he enters the room. He has half changed his clothes in his room; his jacket and tie are gone, his shirt is unbuttoned at the neck and his sleeves are rolled up. His feet are silent on the hardwood floor, his shoes having been left in the adjoining room.
He is holding an open beer bottle in one hand, and a white plastic bag in the other. He places both down on the small table in front of the sofa before he continues over to her as she raises her wine to her lips and stares at him over the rim of her glass. Her eyes meet his as he sits on the edge of the desk, and she places the glass down as he reaches out to touch her shoulder gently, his thumb stroking at her collarbone as he leans in to gently press a kiss against her lips. His lips are warm against hers and as he tilts his head back from hers, he smiles at her warmly.
“Hi,” he says simply. “How was your day?” he asks as he reaches out to stroke her cheek.
“Hi,” she replies back, as she shivers under the feeling of his warm fingers on her cheek. It feels oddly domestic, almost too familiar.
Lately, David just appears in her room, quite often with food and drinks, before he kisses her and then his calm presence is usually there to watch her as she works. Occasionally, he switches the TV on and watches as she goes about her tasks. There are other times he tries (without much difficulty) to distract her and they end up in her bed, work long forgotten.
But to her, this all feels as if they’ve gone past some sordid affair, gone past something that they could write off as a one time thing.
Because this, them... they aren’t just about sex now. Though that does occur often, and she’s not complaining about that. Of course, there are the moments when he looks at her and she forgets who she is, forgets everything but the two of them. But there is something else stirring underneath the surface, something oddly domestic, but comforting. Something she hasn’t felt for a long time, if ever, and she’s beginning to wonder what will happen to the two of them once she no longer calls the Blackwood her home; once she no longer needs to live inside these walls.
“It was fine,” she answers honestly. Because apart from a small altercation with Roger (what else is new?) her day was fine. She watched as he nodded and then she asked, “Charlie? Is he okay?”
David nods again. “Aye, his tooth will have to be capped, and he needs some glue in his chin.” He answers as he runs a hand through his hair.
“Glue?” Julia questions with a frown.
“The latest thing,” David begins. “Better than stitches, apparently, leaves less of a scar.” Julia listens carefully as David continues. “He will need to go back to the doctor in a week. I’ve already sorted it though.”
“What did he do?” Julia asks, curious to know how his son became injured.
“Fell over his shoelace,” David answers tiredly, shaking his head. “One of his new mates from school challenged him to a running race. Only he didn’t realise that his shoe was untied. He took three steps and landed flat on his face.”
Julia cannot help but smirk. She’s never met Charlie, she’s seen a few pictures of him, some she’s snuck glances over David’s shoulder to see. But there is something amusing about the small dark haired boy and sometimes she thinks she’d like to know more about him.
David yawns. “Have you eaten?” He asks in concern as he tilts his head back towards the bag he left on the table.
“I had a salad.” She answers, “I asked Kim to stop off on the way back.”
David raises an eyebrow and wrinkles his nose, “I see.” He chuckles, leaning in to brush his lips against her cheek again. “You don’t mind if I eat, do you?”
She shakes her head, “I’ll be done in about an hour.” She explains, patting her pile of folders beside her. He smiles at her warmly before he turns back to the table, collecting his beer and sits down, she turns back to her work as she hears him rustling with takeaway containers and the all too familiar scent of a burger and chips fills the hotel room.
She smiles to herself as she lays back down in the bed, shuffling her body slightly closer to his. She hadn’t finished her work, her files had been discarded as soon as David had eaten his dinner, and he had then been hungry for her. She hadn’t taken much convincing, she never did. She had heard him rise from the couch and by the time his lips pressed against her neck, in the small space between her earlobe and hairline, her work had been forgotten. She is quite sure there are some of her papers scattered all over the floor. She will have to allow herself a few extra moments in the morning to collect her belongings before they leave.
“Why are you awake right now?” He mumbles sleepily, half stirring and reaching out for her, but his eyes do not open. She is able to tuck herself underneath one of his arms and she rests her head on his chest. She carefully traces patterns on his skin with one of her fingernails. “Another dream?” he questions as he tightens his arm around her, his fingers splayed out over her arm.
She mumbles a soft yes.
“Are you okay now?” he questions in concern, as his eyes open and his voice sounds more awake now.
She nods against his chest as he yawns. “I am sorry to wake you up.” Julia apologises. She feels a little silly now. She’s always prided herself in being able to take care of herself, to be strong enough to rely on no one but herself. But the problem is, she thinks perhaps she is getting used to having David around and she is still beginning to wonder what happens next.
David is a complicated proposition. Sure, she’s not a piece of cake. She realises she’s complicated, too, but David is still married (even though they are separated), he has children and he is her PPO. A relationship (is this what this is?) between the two of them never should have happened. But the event that she keeps dreaming about happened and the two of them inevitably became something more than just protection officer and protectee.
Then before she could even realise what was happening, he was in the adjoining room and she could open the door and he was there waiting for her. Suddenly, they became more ingratiated in each other’s lives without even realising it. But there is still so little she knows about him outside of these hotel walls. Anne Sampson suggested only yesterday that it could be considered time for her to return to Overstrand Mansions next week, barring any further attempts on her life and that means an end to David just on the other side of her door.
An end to the life they have been living inside these walls.
“Julia, I can hear your brain whirling,” David chuckles as he reaches out to trace along her collarbone.
She smirks and turns her head up to face him. “David, I have a question for you,” she tells him as their eyes meet in the darkened room.
He stares at her carefully, as he begins to sit up. “You alright?” he asks her as he shuffles back against the pillows and Julia adjusts the way she has been sitting so she is facing him.
“Yes, I’m fine,” she replies. She is fine, isn’t she? Bad dreams about Thornton Circus aside, of course. She just seems to need answers to questions she’s ever really needed answers to before. “Why do you ask?”
David smiles, “You don’t usually ask me if you can ask a question, you just ask.”
She wrinkles her nose. He is correct, she doesn’t usually ask for permission to ask questions. It isn’t in her nature. But there is something about this question that leaves her unsure. She is even wondering if this is a conversation they are ready for. “It’s about your children. About Ella and Charlie.”
David nods his head, if the topic of questioning has perplexed him, he does not show it. “Aye,” he answers simply, before continuing. “What do you want to know?”
“Do your children,” she begins before she corrects herself and refers to them again by name. “Do Ella and Charlie know about me?”
David regards her carefully before answering. “They know who you are.”
“That I’m the Home Secretary,” Julia states, her voice lacking any real emotion. She had expected this answer, honestly. Most people know who she is, especially lately.
“Ella is learning about the government,” David offers and Julia chews her bottom lip. It makes sense that Ella would be learning about the way their country is run, and she is at the moment, a large part of this.
“Okay,” She answers quickly, still trying to keep her tone even. Why does she feel a little disappointed?
David shakes his head. “That’s not what you meant, is it?”
“Do they know about this?” She questions cautiously, flicking her index finger between the both of them. She watches as he tilts his head and she immediately regrets the question. Why would his children know about what was happening here? Even she isn’t sure what this is, and she is a grown adult and part of the situation.
“No,” He answers quickly, before he pauses. “Do you want them to?” She can hear the curiosity in his voice and she is beginning to think she really should have just closed her eyes and forced herself back to sleep, instead of opening up this conversation in the middle of the night.
She shakes her head, thinking about her answer before she responds. “No, it’s fine. I’m not good with children.”
This time David shakes his head back at her, and he reaches out to touch her cheek gently. “I’m sure you would be.”
Julia shrugs. She wonders why he has so much confidence in her. “What would I talk to them about?” She asks him, suddenly feeling unsure.
“What did you like when you were ten?” David questions her. They’ve never spoken much about their childhoods. She knows very little about his upbringing, and she’s never told him anything much about hers.
Julia thinks for a moment. What did she like when she was ten? “Pony riding, swings at the park... and planning to run away from home.”
David laughed. “Well, Ella likes horses. But maybe not the running away part.”
“You did ask,” she reminds him. It isn’t her fault that her childhood was less than conventional.
“We are losing the point of this conversation.”
Julia chews her bottom lip carefully. “I don’t think it had a point David.”
“Do you want to meet my children?” David finally asked and Julia could see him thinking.
Did she? Was this what she was angling for when she started this conversation?
“No. It’s fine.” She answered quickly as she paused to pat his hand. “I told you. I’m not good with children.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.” David reassured her and she wondered how he seemed to be so certain of this.
“I never had any siblings,” Julia offered by way of explanation. “It was just me. No brothers or sisters which meant no nephews or nieces to play with.”
He pauses for a moment, and this time Julia can see him thinking. She can see that he is really considering what he is about to say next and she feels slightly unnerved by the serious look on his face. “Julia, can I ask you a question?” She nods, staring at him in the still darkened room. He pauses for another beat before he regards her carefully and then he asks, “Did you ever want to have children?”
Her stomach flutters. It has been years since she had been asked this question. She considers her answer for a moment, wondering just how much of her past she is prepared to reveal here and now. She blinks slowly as a memory returns to her mind.
She nods her head slowly. “I did once,” she begins, before she pauses, remembering.
Her toes tap on the linoleum floor as she spins her wedding ring around her finger. She sighs as she checks her watch for the third time. Her husband is an hour late.
“Ms. Montague? Any sign of him?” the kind nurse behind the desk questions. Julia shakes her head sadly. He knew the importance of today’s appointment, and she is hurt that he has been delayed. She stares around the waiting room at each of the couples waiting and she wonders what stage of the process they are all in.
One couple is fairly obvious, a young blonde woman sits opposite Julia. She is checking her phone, and at the same time absentmindedly tracing circles on her rounded stomach. Her partner, Julia assumes the father, is dozing quietly on her shoulder, one of his hands resting on her arm.
Julia doesn’t often feel jealous, but she cannot help the feeling of envy that is bubbling away inside her stomach. It is the same feeling she has endured for the last two years, every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower and every visit to a maternity ward she has had to make. The most recent being one of her closest friends from university. Just a week ago, Julia had wandered the hospital hallway, arms laden with flowers and the most perfect onesie she had been able to find for her friend Victoria’s small bundle of joy, a little redheaded boy who she had named Alfie William.
Julia had been handed the little boy as soon as she had sat down and had marvelled once again at how tiny and precious newborn babies truly were. She had stroked his little cheek and rubbed his little button nose gently. She had held him until he had begun to cry and then Victoria had taken her son back, and snuggled him into her embrace. Visiting the two of them hadn’t hurt as much as normal. Victoria hadn’t asked Julia one of the questions she hated most. Instead, she had asked her about work, about her constituents and about the forthcoming election.
Julia sighs once more as she feels her emotions wavering and before she can allow her thoughts to wander away with her once more, she hears the waiting room door swing open. Her husband stands in the doorway. He looks harried, more so than usual, and he makes his way over to her quickly.
“Jules,” he begins. “I’m so sorry. I got stuck in a meeting.”
She shakes her head and grits her teeth. “I’ve been waiting for over an hour. Anyone would think you don’t want to know what is happening here.”
Her husband shakes his head back at her. “I’m here now,” he says reassuringly, reaching for her hand, closing his fingers tightly around hers.
She smiles at him as the nurse from before appears again. This time she smiles at Julia. “I see he’s made it then,” she begins as she gestures towards the door. “Ms. Montague, Mr. Penhaligon, Doctor Barnes is waiting for you.”
David hasn’t said anything, he has allowed her the time she has needed to think. He hasn’t pressed her for more, he has just continued to trace her shoulder with his thumb. She wonders if she’s ever appreciated him more. Julia sighs quietly. “The failed Montague-Penhaligon dynasty.”
“Dynasty?” David questions, he seems confused for a moment.
Julia sighs again. “My mother’s words,” She tells him bitterly. She can still hear Frances saying them, once she had gone to see her to tell her mother that she and Roger were getting divorced.
Julia can tell that David is waiting for her to continue and there is something about the way he is staring at her that makes her feel comfortable enough to continue this conversation. Normally, she runs as far as she can away from the topic, concentrating on something else. But in this moment, she knows she wants to share her painful secret with him.
“Roger and I,” she begins, taking a deep breath. She even cannot stand the sound of his name anymore. “We tried to have children. It didn’t happen.” David nods his head at her, allowing her to continue. “After about a year of nothing happening, we went for tests,” she explains, remembering the poking and prodding she had endured. The many appointments, the questionnaires, and then there was the day she had just recalled.
The day she’d found out that it was never going to happen. Not with Roger, anyway.
“Roger can’t have children,” she says flatly, remembering the disappointment she had felt when Doctor Barnes had told them both for the first time. She meets David’s gaze, searching for a reaction. He isn’t looking at her any differently though. She takes a deep breath and continues, “Roger,” she murmurs before she pauses once again. “He had his first affair soon after we found out.” Julia notices a slight tilt of David’s head, and she wonders if he’s ever heard the rumours of why her marriage failed. Roger cheating on her had never been the world’s best kept secret. Roger had never been any good at keeping himself out of trouble. He still wasn’t.
Julia sighed and shook her head slowly, she wasn’t going to dwell on how and when she had found out about Roger and his first indiscretion. “He promised it wouldn’t happen again. But it did. So I left.” Julia admitted, remembering the day she had finally had enough of putting up with Roger’s shit and had walked out of their home.
“After the divorce, I resigned myself to never having children,” Julia explained. She can still recall the day when she had decided she needed to move on with her life, accept the cards she had been dealt and seek out a new opportunity. “I began to concentrate on my career more instead,” she recalled. “I had always balanced the idea of both, but then when I couldn’t…” her voice trailed off. “I decided I would try and look after other people’s children instead. Trying to make a real difference, you know?” She adds as her stomach flutters. She doesn’t remember the last time she was so open with someone about her feelings.
“Politics to help people?” David questions her and she cannot help but smirk, she feels as if she is a completely different person to the one who fed him those lines all those weeks ago.
“Yes, exactly that.”
“I’m sorry,” David whispers softly, and he reaches out to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her left ear.
“It was a long time ago,” she admitted, nodding slowly. She barely thinks about her life with Roger now. They had some moments of good, but in the end, the bad always outweighs what they had. She considers her words for a moment, before she wrinkles her nose. “Roger would hate the idea of someone else knowing this about him. He made our doctor sign a confidentiality agreement.” She holds back a laugh. She can only imagine how Roger would react if he knew that she had revealed his biggest secret to her PPO.
“I can keep a secret,” David reminds her, taking a moment to look around the room.
Julia smiles reassuringly. She doesn’t doubt David’s abilities for secret keeping. The two of them in bed together now is a pretty big secret that no one seems to have caught wind of. “I’ve never told anyone that. I always avoid the question,” she tells him calmly. It feels nice to have told someone, even after all of these years.
“Why did you tell me?” David asks her curiously.
“You asked,” Julia admits quickly, her shoulders shrugging.
“Aye,” he begins, smiling at her. “But people ask you questions all the time.”
Julia smirks, she is asked many questions every day, and she is not always honest when she answers them. “And outside of here, I have no problem answering them, but inside these walls…” Her voice trails off, she’s not sure if she means the physical walls of the room she is in, or the ones she had built around herself after her attempts to be a mother and her failed marriage.
Whatever she means, it seems David has ensconced himself inside these walls. But she is concerned about what happens to them both once she has to leave here.
She wonders if he can see her expression change and before she can say anything else, He leans down towards her, closing the gap between them and kisses her softly. She lets out a surprised moan as his fingers trail along the back of her neck and she then gasps softly as he sucks her bottom lip into his mouth, nibbling on it with his teeth.
Thoughts of her previous life disappear, as do the worries about the future, as he makes her forget. And in that moment, all that matters is the two of them, here and now, inside these walls.
She needn't have worried though. A month later, she stands in a private London park. An unexpected and secret detour on her way to the Home Office, early one normal Tuesday morning. Two children stand opposite their father and eye her surreptitiously. Ella tilts her head as recognition crosses her features. “You’re the Home Secretary,” Ella states bluntly, looking at Julia and then at her father with a questioning look. Charlie stands beside her, and he, too, seems a little confused.
David smiles at his children as he chuckles and reaches out to squeeze Julia’s hand. Julia appreciates the gesture, but she still feels incredibly nervous. Her stomach flutters. Maybe it was best she’d never had her chance to have children of her own.
David nods his head. “That she is, Ella Bella,” he answers his daughter. “But you can call her Julia.”
Ella nods carefully, shrugs her shoulders and then gives Julia a small smile, still peering at her carefully.
“Hi, Julia,” Charlie interrupts from beside his sister. He seems more forthcoming than his elder sibling. “Do you like the swings?” he asks excitedly as he points to a set of swings hidden in the back corner of the park.
Julia nods with surprise, and she wonders if David had told him to say something about the swings, given what she had admitted all those nights ago. Charlie is still staring at her and awaiting her answer, and she smiles brightly. “Very much so,” she responds, as David squeezes her hand once more.
Charlie nods his head happily and then turns his attention to Ella, neither of them say anything to the other. But before Julia knows what is happening, the siblings are gone. Ella and Charlie race one other to the swingset and David laughs loudly beside her.
Julia smiles as she realises she doesn’t feel so nervous now. She feels comfortable here with him, and even with them.
Maybe, they’d be okay outside these walls, after all..