Work Text:
Like I Want You
Sometimes I wish you knew
His eyes captured me the moment I saw him for the first time.
But I disguise the truth
They were so mysterious; I had to know what haunted behind them.
It was early spring, cherry blossoms budding. Warm weather teasing, sun shining brightly.
My hair was long then. Uniform crisp, ironed. I was top of our class, assisting the teacher regularly. I had a few friends, but mostly kept to myself.
I say I'm happy…
He entered the classroom, a transfer. I was in my second year, he his third. I remember doodling on the corners of my notebook as the teacher spoke, but the mention of a new student drew my attention.
He had shockingly bright blonde hair, deep brown eyes. He was tallest in the room. I immediately liked his shoulders, broad over strong arms, and his casual posture surprised me. It reminded me of something.
“I’m Choi Yeonjun, please take care of me.”
His voice was unexpected.
Our eyes met and I was caught. I tried not to worry my lip between my teeth as he let me go, choosing a seat close to mine.
Does your mind play this game too?
We officially met after school that day.
I regularly practiced dance in an empty classroom; the teachers liked me enough. I was practicing for a showcase I’d had my eye on for awhile, hoping to get into an arts college. A sensual song pounded through the speakers:
‘Like I want you
You, ooh, ooh
Even if it's true, ooh (Even if it's true)
Ooh-ooh-ooh (You babe)
Even if it's true…’
Contemporary was in my heart, having learned it since I was a child. My parents wanted me to be refined, putting me through ballet, tap, and ballroom. I discovered contemporary and fell in love young, directing all my attention to the expression. It was now how I released my tension, stress, and pent up feelings that didn’t yet have a name.
I guess I'll just pretend, until it all makes sense
I was lost in the melody, using the whole room, desks and chairs pushed to the side. Elongating my fingers, reaching for something I didn’t know, letting the music burst through my limbs. My oversized tee and leggings easily soaking up sweat. As the bridge built, my breath came harder and I pushed with all the feeling I could muster.
I realized then he was watching me. As my body slipped through positions, I looked through the hallway window and he was there, tracking me with those eyes.
I looked away shyly, clearing my throat and waving him in, pausing the music.
He came in and introduced himself again, said he was a dancer too. He complimented me through hooded eyes.
Like I want you
Everything changed.
~xx
At lunch the next day, he pressed me against the stacks in the library, lips hot and wet against mine, hands tangled in my hair. Our hips fit flush against each other, so heavenly but so sinful.
Think 'bout me and you
He would practice with me after school, teasing, joking, critiquing my performance. I allowed it.
Like I want you
We started spending every lunch, every practice like that, walking home together afterwards.
After a few weeks, my parents caught him before he left me at the front door. He was polite; they were unsure about him, I knew, but didn’t say anything.
My grades slipped a bit, but my dancing was better than ever, lips chapped and red constantly. I didn’t care; he was fire in my life that hadn’t been there before. White-hot heat burned through me when we touched.
Sneaking backstage in the school theater, hand in hand. Tongues connecting behind the heavy red curtain. He held me against the chain-link fence at the basketball courts after dark. He was rough as the dim lights cast shadows, biting my skin mercilessly. Knocking off library books as he held my wrists, scratching teasingly over my uniformed chest. His grip tightening on my jaw, over my ass right outside our classroom.
You, ooh, ooh
Summer came and we spent every moment we could together. Concerts, street fairs, movies, seashore, we did it all. My parents were concerned, the later I’d come home. It was fine, I said, sand in my hair, dirt on my knees, lips bitten harshly. I’d try my best to cover the marks on my neck.
Even if it’s true
I felt fall on the breeze, stirring my hair. Yeonjun said he liked it long, running his fingers through it, eyes hungry.
The showcase came and went. He sat with my parents as I danced, heart fit to explode. I was scouted by a school far from home, but prestigious and I was so ready for the adventure. We had dinner together. Everything was perfect.
Like I want you
~xx
That classroom where we danced was where I gave him my virginity, resting on a desk. He kissed me gently, but with intense burn like always.
I knew I’d never be my own again.
His fingers were hard with pressure on my goose-bumped skin, promising so many things. Pushing aside my clothes, he took me slowly, stealing breath and heart. The slick of our skin together was enough, what I’d needed for years. His heavily-lidded eyes glared into mine as he came, ripping an orgasm from me at the same time.
I finally had a name for that feeling, and Yeonjun filled me with it a second time, from behind as I gasped out his name.
Like I want you
He spread his suit jacket on the floor and we lay together, exhausted. He told me he wanted to become an idol. I knew he’d be great at it, and I told him so.
With promise to attend the performing arts college the following year, I returned to school without Yeonjun.
In the following weeks, he began intense training. We didn’t see each other often, I with excessive amounts of homework. We texted, not making plans for a month. When we finally saw each other, his hair was dyed silver. He had 3 more earrings than before, his eyes tired, but happy.
See you face to face
We met for coffee and he told me about his training.
I'm thinking 'bout the days we used to be
I shared my scores, and he was proud of me.
But I can't make a scene
I missed him, the warmth in my abdomen quelled when we left and he kissed me under a street lamp.
He walked me home again, holding my hand and stealing kisses, nipping at my collarbones every chance he got. We promised to see each other again as it began to snow, his tongue curling hotly into my mouth.
But I can't make a scene
I threw myself into my studies, forsaking practicing at school. Any moments I’d get were at the gym, and I’d rush through to make sure I could shower and sleep before the morning.
I guess it's overdue
He called me over the holiday, wishing me well. He mentioned recording soon, right before he hurriedly hung up, saying we would have to meet up soon.
The assignments and exams never stopped, with pressure from the university. Yeonjun hummed constantly beneath my skin, but I pressed through.
Tell me your point of view
We texted: I was at the top. He was as well.
Spring break began our first week together in months. He’d be traveling soon.
We rented a cottage by the ocean and spent days wrapped in sheets, nights tangled in towels on the sand. He was everything I remembered and more, body toned and hard. I was weak for his nibbles on my bottom lip, wet spankings in the shower. His nails scraping my skin felt like home, seared my skin like he’d never been missed. I was convinced the graze of his lips and teeth would forever be etched on my body.
Tell me am I to blame?
That week was like a dream, life continuing painfully afterwards. The rush of finals as he flew to the states to train more kept me from wishing I had his company, texts coming slowly. He was a part of a group, they might debut next year.
I'm thinking 'bout the days we used to be
But I can't make a scene
As I finished school, I began to practice more. It felt good to return to my style, my own feel. In preparation for uni, my parents found me a partner; he was nice. He was going to the same college. We would go to dinner sometimes, taking selcas I’d send to Yeonjun. He’d send back stylish shots in a floor-length mirror.
You're so good with change
Fuck, I missed him.
We put together a few songs to perform for professors, perfecting them over the summer. As I moved into my dorm, I felt the spark of something new. Yeonjun video-called me and told me he was doing well, wearing an expensive hoodie. He was excited about the songs they were performing, producing. I was excited for him. I told him about my dorm, how close the convenience stores were and when the parties started. He encouraged me to go; I was shy. Someone stole his attention, and he had to hang up.
But I can't make a scene
My roommate dragged me to my first college party, and I had too much of whatever she put in my red cup. I kissed my partner sloppily, calling him Yeonjun as I tried to bite his lips.
I woke up alone the next morning on a couch in a house blocks away from my dorm, phone almost dead.
But I can't make a scene
Holidays came and went, strenuous practices with new partners dragged. Dances with them felt like sandpaper, or steel wool. Yeonjun texted, I drank in the sparse words like drugs. He was visiting for a few days.
A table set for two
I tried to clear my schedule, but every time I was available, he was busy with a meeting, or family, or practice, or promotions…
You got me waitin' but you ain't comin' through
~xx
He was officially coming back in the spring, it would be his debut with the team. I was second, or third, fifth. I pushed myself hard, waiting for the day I’d feel the best burn again.
Try to stay patient but gotta face the truth
He asked me to watch him, I said I would.
See you face to face
He shined so brightly on stage, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Eloquent, poised, handsome, graceful.
I'm thinking 'bout the days we used to be
I could only watch from afar, he was so desired. I left feeling full, but empty, and receiving a text. He asked me to his hotel room, late.
Like I want you
Even if it’s true
We argued for the first time.
He bit my neck and whispered he waited for me, angrily. Eyes flashed as he tore off my jeans. I told him I’d tried, as I slid off his shirt. He pulled my shirt off, tangling it in my hair. Why didn’t you try harder, he bit back, scratching down my back. Studio time slots, I gasped, whipping off his belt. Partner’s schedules, I fumbled with his fly.
He threw me on the bed, growling that he had been sitting at a restaurant for 2 hours, teeth scraping my shoulders. I told him I hadn’t known, and before I could excuse more he found my lips with his.
I say I'm happy but I'm still stuck on us
My brain short-circuited with his ministrations. Skin aflame, we melded together once again, sweaty and sticky and perfect. His hand fit over my hip like it had always belonged there, his other hand covering my mouth as I whimpered. He penetrated like he owned me (he did). His thrusts left me moaning into his palm; he gave up and pressed to my chest instead, heat spreading everywhere he touched.
Like I want you
His eyes locked onto mine, molten chocolate pools building my heat until it burst over us, his coming shortly after.
Even if it's true
Riding out the rush with Yeonjun was nothing I’d forgotten, ghost kisses still felt over my rib cage. His hand snaked over my jaw as he collapsed onto me, I relished the feeling of his weight.
There's no reason to believe I'll save us now
We gasped together for a moment before he leaned up and looked into my eyes.
But if you really love me say it now
He kissed me, unlike he had before: gentle, soft, light. Sweet?
Why is it so hard to figure out?
I was shocked. Searching his eyes, I paused for a moment. “Yeonjun…?” I asked, penchant and pensive.
I need you every day, believe me when I say it
His grip tightened on my neck and he let go. He got up, grabbing clothes and tossing them to me. Saying he’d send me home, he got dressed.
Sometimes I wish you knew
I figured he was busy, stepping into my jeans.
But I disguise the truth
He called a car for me, walking me down the back stairs. Outside, I searched his face again. He avoided my gaze.
Like I want you
Opening the car door, he stared me down one more time. His look was truly haunted this time. I asked when I would see him again and he said we would.
Even if it's true, ooh
Even if it's true
xx
Song “Like I Want You” by Giveon