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Most nights are really rough for you. Tossing and turning between sheets, trying not to disturb the boy fast asleep next to you.
It’s hard to tell when exactly you started to struggle with insomnia, but classes have made it especially difficult to shut your eyes and calm your mind enough to sleep.
But here's the thing. You haven’t really mentioned it to Kuroo (even though you’ve been dealing with it for what feels like an eternity) because you would hate to worry him.
Kuroo cares about you. And in that respect, he also cares about your health. He knows just how important it is for you to be mentally and physically rested and comfortable. It’s hard to live life as it is, but when your emotions, mind, and body are also compromised, things can get pretty bad. Kuroo knows this well.
But it feels wrong to always occupy his thoughts. He may not visually look it, but Kuroo gets concerned easily. So you attempt to hide it from him. To keep this burden to yourself for as long as you possibly can.
But doesn’t help that he’s a light sleeper and that he’s been getting up much earlier than usual for volleyball practice with Kenma.
You roll onto your side, deciding to let your mind wander because it was already planning to do so anyway.
And the very thoughts that keep you awake begin to surface...
You're late for another assignment. If you don't turn it in tomorrow your grades will drop. And if they drop much lower, you'll probably need to retake physics.
You sigh, tears pricking at the corner of your eyes.
You don't have time to retake physics. The next semester was already full with 5 classes - adding a 6th would drive you right into the ground with exhaustion. And you were already feeling half-dead.
It makes your heart ache. On one hand, your lack of sleep was causing your grades to tank. On the other, the classes were adding to the list of reasons why you couldn't sleep. It's a catch 22.
If only you were more like Kuroo. Graceful under pressure. Priority focused and determined to finish his projects and papers way before a deadline. Sure, he pulled the occasional all-nighter. Every dedicated (or procrastinating) college student did at some point. But he somehow always caught up on his sleep over the course of the week, letting go of stress and meditating on the things he did manage to accomplish. To some, Kuroo is a model student. To you, he's more like a superhero and a boyfriend all in one.
If only he could pass on these superpowers - intense concentration, the ability to leave the past in the past, unmatchable patience... the list goes on - to you, your college experience might go more smoothly.
Turning your head on your pillow, you fix your eyes on Kuroo's face.
Kuroo always looked so peaceful at night.
You enjoy watching his eyes squint or flutter in the middle of a dream. It makes you wants to brush your fingers against his cheek or twirl the many stray hairs that rest gently against his forehead. If you're lucky, some nights you'll even catch him snoring softly. Oddly enough, you love when he does. After several hours of listening to the gentle noise, it might even lull you into a nap shortly before you actually have to wake up.
You joke to yourself that he’s probably just hogging all the sleep.
But as much as you try to see your boyfriend as a saving grace from this nightmare of insomnia, you're still left alone with nothing but your mind and a dark room.
The longer you stay awake, tension gripping your bones and fear flooding your mind, the harder it was to choke back a sob.
You're exhausted. Angry. Pathetic.
The melatonin should work. You've tired warm milk. Hot tea. Lavender oil and candles.
But eventually, you gave up on the conventional methods. Now you tend to just leave the bed and make your way out into the living room, propping yourself up on the couch. You're careful to get back in bed before Kuroo wakes up - again, disturbing him is not an option. He has the same mountain of responsibilities as you did and needs his rest.
Of course, you can't hide it from him all the time. When you did choose to leave the room, sometimes the mattress would squeak just a little too loudly. Or you may knock your ankle against the dresser, stifling a groan. In these moments, he would awaken and ask where you were going.
You had your excuses ready. In a whisper, you would explain, “I was getting water,” or “just going to the bathroom, sorry.” However, you can't hide behind those white lies for too much longer. Kuroo is pretty perceptive and has never been afraid to search for the truth.
Tonight, as you gently lifted yourself from the bed, unable to lay down in the sleepless bedroom anymore, Kuroo’s eyes slowly peek open, watching your figure move away from him.
You begin to place your feet on the floor, but as you do he sits up, reaching for, and then lightly grasping your soft hands. His eyes are only lit up by the moonlight that streams gently through a crack in the window.
“Y/n... where are you going?” He questions drowsily.
“Just to the bathroom.” You whisper back, smiling slightly (not that he can see it) and trying to not sound suspicious.
You start to pull away, hoping he'll drop the dialogue, but he holds on to your hands just a little tighter.
“Y/n, you know you do this every single night."
It makes you freeze.
"You're constantly up and down." He continues.
"If I'm being totally honest, I don’t actually think I’ve ever seen you asleep other than at my volleyball practice. Which is... unusual.”
You try not to meet his gaze, but he definitely knows that something is up.
He lets go of your hand just for a moment to run his hands through his hair in an attempt to get rid of the bed head. It never has and never will go away, kuroo, i’m sorry
“Baby, you know you can tell me anything. I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever it is, I’m here for you.”
You turn your head toward his calm, but concerned, face and finally look into his eyes.
That was all it took to get the tears rolling, your face making one of the most heartbreaking expressions kuroo has seen in a long time.
He immediately takes both your hands, pulls you onto his chest, and begins running his hands tenderly through your soft, (h/c) hair.
“I’m so, so sorry...” he whispers, still not knowing what for, but he knows it’s what you need to hear right now.
He continues with soft touches, rubbing your back, tracing your fingers, speaking soft, sweet apologies and little promises like, “I’ve got you,” and “it’s gonna be okay.”
Finally after some time he lifts you into a more upright position, one of his hands coming up to your face wiping away little tears, while the others one runs gently up and down your arm.
“What’s wrong baby...?”
You sniffle and try to steady your slightly shaky body. After a few deep breathes, you finally manage to speak “I... I can’t sleep.”
Tetsuro waits for a further explanation, still running a hand down your arm and finally placing it into your own hand.
You continue, “I’ve tried everything. for months. melatonin, Benadryl, warm milk...” you give a sad smile at the last comment, but kuroo just patiently listens, not making his usual teasing comments.
“But, dammit Tetsu! I just can’t do anything!” Your voice gets a little louder, still sniffling every few words.
“I’m so sick of running on almost no sleep every night. I feel like shit, I can’t focus on anything, my head hurts so badly. Hell, I’m actually scared to get into bed at night because I know that I’ll just lay there. completely alone... and I can’t stop it.”
He pulls you close again, just hugging you now.
“I just feel pathetic. hopeless, really.”
All you can do is just lay there, on top of his chest, feeling the steadiness of his breath and the sturdiness of his build. It’s warm and peaceful. Something you needed more than you realized.
A few more minutes pass and kuroo speaks,
“I know it hurts,” he starts slowly, searching for the right words, “and I know you’ve tried hard to leave me out of this because you are just... you’re stubborn and kind.” He smiles a little, putting a hand on your head, stroking it with his thumb.
“But you can tell me things like this. Baby... sometimes it actually helps to solve problems like this by telling someone.”
You lean back again and grab his hand, this time greeting his face with a sweet, but somber smile and a couple more tears.
He goes on, “I might not always be able to stay up with you, but I’ll always be there to pull you close, to let you rest on during the day... to help figure this out.”
“You’re not alone, baby girl,” he intertwines his fingers with yours and continues, “because you have me to tackle these problems with, okay?”
He pulls you into the most comforting hug you think you’ve ever had, which isn’t surprising considering you haven’t cried this hard, gotten this much off your chest, and let anyone into this part of your life in a very, very long time.
Something about the release and the warmth of kuroo sent you into a state of calm you never thought you could achieve...
and for the first time in months... you close your eyes and sleep.