Work Text:
Four years old.
All of the disciples had just begun to move out of their family homes into the dorms that they would now reside in until they reached adulthood. Lan Jingyi had already become a strong presence amongst the others despite only being there for a short few days. His laughs boisterous, reverberating off of the classroom walls, barely contained energy bursting at the seams of his small body, breaking rules although already on his best behavior. He was the embodiment of mischief, the most un Lan to ever Lan they had said. Jingyi paid no mind.
Through all this commotion stood Lan Sizhui, terrified of his new surroundings while cooped up in a corner, eyes closed with his small hands fisting at the front of his brand new white robes. The smaller hadn’t said a word since arriving at the dorms, this, of course, had not settled well with Lan Jingyi. He stepped forward in long strides until he was a mere 6 inches away from Lan Sizhui. Extending his hand, he introduced himself and had made it his goal to get Sizhui out of his shell. From that moment on, the two were attached at the hip, eating breakfast together, trained with each other, studied (in Sizhui’s case at least) together, and shared a room with each other.
Although mealtimes at the Cloud Recesses were meant to be a time for complete silence, there was never a rule against the strange contorted expressions and glances Jingyi would throw Sizhui’s way. Needless to say, much choking occurred at first, a blush spreading on their chubby cheeks as Sizhui frowned at him, but Jingyi knew better than to not see the smile the other boy was so desperate to contain. Best friends. Yes, that’s what they were.
Nine years old.
At nine years old Lan Sizhui found himself copying the three thousand sect rules down next to Lan Jingyi, who seemed to breeze through his punishment. It clearly wasn’t the first time Jingyi was in this position, doing a handstand with such ease on his face almost as if he was born to do such a thing. Lan Sizhui on the other hand was not sufficing as well as the other boy. Being adopted by Lan Wangji meant that he, unfortunately, did not possess the legendary Lan arm strength. With his face going red, breathing rough and uneven Lan Sizhui seemed as if his arms would give out any moment now. From his side, Sizhui hears snickering. Turning, he looks at Jingyi who has the biggest smirk plastered on his perfectly relaxed face. “Struggling there are we now A-Yuan?” he teased. The redness on Sizhui’s face now couldn’t be accounted to only the blood rushing to his head, it was a mix of embarrassment, and was that pettiness he felt? A Lan disciple shouldn’t feel such things Sizhui thinks. Unfortunately, however, Jingyi continues his taunts. “It’s no wonder you’re struggling A-Yuan, who would’ve ever thought that Lan Qiren’s favorite junior disciple would be doing punishments next to me? Me, Sizhui! World renown trouble maker!” Jingyi exaggerates.
With a huff Sizhui forced his gaze back down to the paper, mumbling something about “If you hadn’t wanted to go see Hanguang-jun’s rabbits last night we wouldn’t be here”. Jingyi laughs, his loud, perfectly unrestrained laugh, and somehow, it brings comfort to Sizhui. There’s no one else he’d rather carry this punishment out with he thinks, a small smile gracing his face.
Twelve years old.
To say it hits Jingyi like a truck one day would be an understatement. It was more like it ran over the boy, backed up, and ran him over once again, just for good measure.
The first time Jingyi notices something is off with his heart is when both he and Sizhui are practicing on the training field. Lan Sizhui moves with such fluidity, never missing a single strike yet looking so perfect without as much as a single strand of hair out of place. He’s the epitome of beauty and grace, white robes flowing in the spring breeze as he aims to win the match they’re currently in. Jingyi feels his heart skip a beat and speed up drastically at the sight of the other. He sputters and chokes out a cry as Sizhui’s sword comes in contact with the outer layer of his robes, so distracted by the other’s existence that he can barely breathe. He doesn’t snap out of it until he hears Jin Ling chiding at him from the sidelines, clearly finding entertainment in his loss. Jingyi remains quiet and dazed for the rest of the day, missing the worried glances Sizhui and Zizhen shoot at him during dinner.
The second time his heart beats out of control they’re in the library pavilion. Sizhui had asked the younger to come along and help him look for a specific book on demonic cultivation. Jingyi, however, was definitely not looking at any of the books. The way Sizhui’s dark, almost ink-like hair, fell over his shoulders was entirely too distracting. For the first time ever, Jingyi notices how utterly breathtaking his friend’s features are. From his soft pink lips to his doe eyes to the way their forehead ribbon seems to perfectly suit him, it takes Jingyi’s breath away. Lan Jingyi realizes then and there in their quiet corner, that he is thoroughly whipped for the older. Making a choked noise, his eyes widen as he tumbles a few steps back. When Sizhui turns his head to check on Jingyi, the latter gasps, stuttering something about his “chest hurts” and “infirmary” before he’s bursting through the doors of the library pavilion, leaving Sizhui confused and stunned.
Fifteen years old.
When their little quartet of friends reaches fifteen years old they’re trusted to go on night hunts with limited adult supervision. Tonight, one of the aforementioned night hunts was to take place at a small town nearby that had complained about fierce corpses recently. Jingyi was always excited to leave the Cloud Recesses for adventure. He also, however, was also not excited to be paired up alone with Sizhui. Over the last three years that had passed since he had had a eureka moment about his feelings for his best friend, they had only seemed to intensify rather than fading as he had once hoped.
Every time Jingyi catches the eyes of the older it feels as if all the air is punched out of his lungs. How he’s managed to live until now? Jingyi has absolutely no idea. Although he hides it well, it leaves Jingyi wondering until when will he have to live like this, containing his affections for Sizhui, storing them safely inside himself and wondering if they’ll ever see the light of day. He shakes off the thought.
It’s later that day when the sun starts to set that the group begins to head out for town. Breaking the silence Jingyi pipes up suggesting that he pair up with Zizhen this time around, only to receive a glare from Jin Ling that almost asks if he wants to die out loud. Sizhui fails to suppress a snicker from his side, leaning in to whisper in his ear. “Jin Ling is planning on officially courting Zizhen, I wouldn’t do that if I were you Jingyi,” he says. If it weren’t for Sizhui’s warm breath tickling his ear, his close proximity, and the way his scent envelopes Jingyi’s senses, maybe the younger would flip out more about the revelation. He nods dumbly, ignoring how Sizhui only seems to get closer and closer to his body, radiating warmth as their arms touch. This shouldn’t be such a moment, Jingyi thinks. He, too, wants to start an official courtship with Sizhui. They’re about to fight off fierce corpses, yet here he is, dazed about the mere touch of his childhood best friend.
Zizhen’s sudden high pitched scream breaks him out of his thought bubble. In the blink of an eye, they’re outnumbered by Fierce corpses. Jingyi takes in a deep breath, unsheathes his sword, and begins his attack. When the four finally have a moment to breathe, one remaining corpse creeps up behind them. Jingyi is the first to notice, yelling as it reaches a disgustingly pale limb out to attack Sizhui’s back. Before anyone can stop him, Jingyi leaps in front of Sizhui, the hit cutting a line from his collarbones down to his navel. “JINGYI!” he hears Sizhui scream, yet all his brain registers is the burning numbing pain that starts to spread outwards from his chest. Jingyi doesn’t know whether or not he’s bleeding, just knows the world begins to fuzz with his last waking image being Lan Sizhui’s tear streaked face. It’s days later when he wakes up, a throbbing pain in his chest as he struggles to sit up, eyelids heavy from the lack of usage. A soft groan slips past his lips as he maneuvers his body into a more upright position. At this, Sizhui’s body jerks from where he was sitting at the bedside, head snapping upwards. “You’re awake! Jingyi, you’re really awake I- I was so scared I was going to lose you.” he sobs, tears once again streaming down his soft cheeks. Jingyi reaches one stiff arm out to cup Sizhui’s cheek with his hand, wiping the old tears as new ones immediately replace them. The older leans into his touch, hand coming up to cup Jingyi’s keeping it pressed tightly against his cheek. They’ll be okay, Jingyi thinks as he continues to wipe the tears away.
Seventeen years old.
At seventeen years old, Jingyi has witnessed the return of Wei Wuxian. Jingyi has seen the pure bliss and happiness of true love as Senior Wei follows their Hanguang Jun down every path in the Cloud Recesses. There’s never a moment where the two aren’t connected in some way, somewhere. It makes his heart ache with longing when he sees the way Hanguang Jun and Wei Wuxian stare at each other, so willing to sacrifice everything for their love. Jingyi wishes he could have this wishes he could openly show Sizhui just how desperately in love he is. Yet he can’t, can only watch as countless marriage proposals are offered to Sizhui after the announcement that he would be the future sect leader. Jingyi is forced to watch his own affections eat him away from the inside out.
He barely looks Sizhui in the eye anymore, despite the others' efforts. Lan Jingyi knows he’s being selfish, knows he’s hurting Sizhui with his own horrible agenda to protect whatever withering feelings he has left that haven’t been crushed. He chuckles bitterly when he realizes he’s already given his entire heart away to the older before he could even remember. Maybe it had been when they were six. The first time they had snuck out together to go pet the rabbits that Hanguang Jun kept in the closed off field. Fondness had bloomed in his little six year old heart, the earliest form of love his younger self could know.
Jingyi doesn’t think he’s worthy of being the future sect leader's beloved. He was plain, loud, rambled way too often, and only known as a troublemaker. Sizhui on the other hand was the embodiment of the perfect clan member. He was poised, talented, refined, responsible, smart, and beautiful. Heavens he was beautiful. Sizhui deserved someone just as good as he was. Jingyi knows that isn’t him.
No matter how much Sizhui poked and pestered, begged, and pleaded, Jingyi couldn’t bring himself to tell the former, couldn’t bring himself to ruin Sizhui’s reputation and honor because he was too clumsy and made mistakes more often than not. So he avoids, hides, and runs.
It’s a rainy day when Jingyi’s world comes tumbling down. Jingyi stays quiet as he skims through papers in the library pavilion, unaware of the soft footsteps of two others coming in. He’s at peace with the soft raindrops hitting the roof, amplifying in sound within the building. Jingyi startles when he hears hushed whispers, doesn’t bother to listen in until he hears Sizhui’s name. What he hears next, however, breaks him. Sizhui has received a marriage proposal from a smaller sect leader, and he was planning to accept, they had said. It’s then and there that Jingyi feels hot tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, his head filling with white noise as his knees turn to jelly. With whatever pride he has left he runs out of the building. It’s pathetic he thinks, how his first love had started in this same library pavilion, and here, it reaches a pathetic end.
Jingyi understands how selfish it is to lock himself away when he hears everyone tell him how Sizhui is desperately trying to find him before curfew hits. It seems as if Sizhui is the only one who doesn’t know where he is. He’s content that way he convinces himself, he’ll face the former again when he can save face. That moment comes too soon however for Jingyi’s liking as he sees a flurry of white robes hurdling itself towards him the moment he opens his door. Before he knows it, Jingyi is knocked flat onto his bottom on the wooden floor, with a lapful of Sizhui. The older hugs him tight, breathing uneven from his running yet still refusing to loosen his grip. “Where have you been A-Yi..” Sizhui whispers before pulling him in even closer. “What are you even talking about right Lan Sizhui? Especially in this indecent position?” Jingyi knows he sounds a lot like Lan Qiren as the words fall from his mouth. Sizhui tenses in his lap, before relaxing again, not a care given at the way he seems to burrow himself into Jingyi’s body. “You never use my full courtesy name A-Yi, please don’t start now...” Sizhui sighs. Pulling away slightly, Jingyi now has a chance to see the dark circles decorating his A-yuan’s face. The brightness in his eyes dulled down, plump cheeks seemingly hollowed out and skin pale.
Jingyi frowns, had Sizhui not been eating well? Had he been sleeping at all? He reaches a worried hand up and thumbs at the eye bags, moving down to his nose and before Jingyi can stop himself, his thumb is swiping at Sizhui’s bottom lip. Eyes widening when he realizes his actions, Jingyi pulls his hand away abruptly, but not before he catches the longing in Sizhui’s eyes. Sizhui gently takes a hold of his hand again bringing it up to his lips before he places soft kisses on each fingertip. Jingyi feels as if the air has been sucked out of the room, his breathing disgustingly unstable.
“What?...” he says. He’s barely able to finish his statement when soft plump lips come crashing down onto his. Immediately Jingyi’s hands find purchase on Sizhui’s waist, unconsciously pulling him in closer, giving in to his desires as he kisses back with the same vigor. When Jingyi pulls back after a quick nip on Sizhui’s bottom lip, he can’t help but want more as he sees the latter chasing after his lips. He allows himself to stare for a moment at how debauched Sizhui looks. Lips bruised and swollen from their passion, forehead ribbon tilted off to the side and hair slightly messy. He was gorgeous, inside and out.
Jingyi finds his chest swelling with pride yet his stomach sinks in horror that he’ll never be able to hide himself away again after this. He scrambles to get off the floor where they’re still seated but Sizhui doesn’t let him move.
Suddenly the older is inching closer again before he looks Jingyi in the eyes. “I love you.” Sizhui says. It’s loud and it’s clear, yet it’s still ringing in Jingyi’s ears, unable to be processed. “No.” is the only thing Jingyi can say. All these years he’s kept silent, all these years he could’ve held his beloved close, it all bubbles down to this moment. Sizhui sighs yet again before pulling Jingyi in, mumbling against soft lips that he’s “always loved him” and that “it’s never been anyone but you since we were nine A-Yi.”
“I love you A-yuan,” he says earnestly, “I love you so much and I think I have since you were petting the white bunny when we were six. I can’t pretend it’s anyone but you. Please don’t make me anymore.” Jingyi exhales all in one breath. As he pulls Sizhui up and off the ground and settles them in bed, his chest blooms with a feeling other than pain for the first time in what seemed like forever. It’s perfect, they’re perfect for him. Jingyi smiles as Sizhui curls up to his side.
Eighteen years old.
They’ve been together for a year, the happiest year of his life that Jingyi can ever remember. Their courtship request was approved shortly after their confessions to each other that night. Wei Wuxian had looked at him with a loving smile while he swears he saw Lan Wangji’s lips tilt up a little. It was a long process getting to where they were, but Lan Jingyi wouldn’t have it any other way if it meant having Lan Sizhui by his side.