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“You just need to find the one. Once you find that person then everything will fall into place”
Choi Youngjae was always told that by his older siblings and parents when it came to the topic of sex with your significant other. He believes Jackson is the right one and the absolute best boyfriend he’s ever had after all the guys he’s dated. Then why doesn’t he feel good as Jackson’s hands roam across his shirtless chest and sides while kissing and sucking his neck? Why does he feel disgusted and grossed out? Why does he feel anxious as one of Jackson’s hands unbuttoned his jeans and reached inside his boxers. “No! Stop. Don’t. Let go Jacks!” Youngjae yelled shoving Jackson off causing his beloved to fall off the bed. Youngjae jumped off the bed and ran towards the bathroom ignoring Jackson calling his name as he slammed the door and locked it.
Sliding down onto the bathroom floor with his back against the door, Youngjae is shaking and tears are rolling down both sides of his face. He pulls his legs up to his chest and lays his forehead on top. He feels guilty with himself for not understanding why he acts this way. He feels even more guilty when he realizes he literally slammed the door on his boyfriend of 1 year and six months as he curls in on himself to try and disappear. He wants to go out and apologize to him but he looks down at his chest and realizes that he feels too exposed and his fingers are shaking as he fixes his jeans back. Once his jeans are fixed he feels a little bit better but not a lot.
Youngjae’s head flies up from his knees when he hears Jackson calling his name through the door. “Youngjae? Are you okay? Answer me sweetheart” Jackson said and Youngjae could hear as he sat down with his back against the door. “I’m here,” Youngjae says, after a few minutes. “That’s good that you’re in there but answer my other question. Are you okay?” Jackson said and Youngjae knew that there was a frown that his boyfriend had on his face. “I-I don’t know,” Youngjae replied, sniffling. “That’s alright love. Was it something I did?” Jackson asked and Youngjae felt sick as he ignored the urge to say yes.
He can’t really say yes to that. Can he?
“Youngjae?”Jackson called, worry in his voice and Youngjae realizes he has been quiet for a while. “I’m sorry!” Youngjae bursted out and he knows how Jackson’s eyebrows are furrowed in confusion at that moment. “For what darling?” Jackson asked. “Pushing you off and running in here” Youngjae replied. “Don’t worry about me, love. I’m alright and it’s okay” his boyfriend replied reassuringly and Youngjae was dumbfounded.
‘How can everything be fine when I was the one who pushed him away and ran off disgusted?’ Youngjae thought.
“Baby. Can you tell me what happened?” Jackson asked carefully and Youngjae sighed, laying his head against the door wondering why it couldn’t be that simple.
Wishing that something like this could be explained.
“I’m not sure I even know” Youngjae replied and was met with silence. The silence lasted long enough to worry Youngjae and he felt terrified as thoughts flew in his mind about how Jackson had left him. “Jackson?” He called out hesitant. “I’m here. I’m just trying to understand what happened love” Jackson replied and Youngjae sighed in relief but also had a wave of anxiety. “Was it something I did love? Please tell me” Jackson said and Youngjae took a breath in and he struggled to get it back out. He was so tense and nervous and laid his head back on his knees trying to calm himself down. “I’m going to assume that it was something I did” Jackson said after a few minutes of silence and Youngjae had to bite back his tears that threatened to fall. “Can you tell me what it is that I did?” Jackson said, trying again to get Youngjae to speak and Youngjae tried not to blurt out that everything his boyfriend did was the problem.
“Baby. You know you can tell me anything honestly. If you’re scared that I’m going to be upset, I won’t be. Just talk to me” Jackson said and Youngjae sighed playing with the fringe on his jeans.
‘It’s not that I think he’ll be angry. But I know he’ll be disappointed and hurt. That’s worse than anger’ Youngjae thought.
“Was it the kisses? Or where I touched you? Or my hands on you?” Jackson asked, listing options and Youngjae wondered how he deserved a man like him. “All of it” Youngjae whispers hoping that Jackson didn’t hear but knows that he did. “All of it?” Jackson asked to make sure he heard correctly. “All of it” Youngjae confirms covering his ears in fear of what he’ll hear. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Jackson asked and Youngjae didn’t know how to answer. He’d only just realized it himself! “Jae. Was it me?” Jackson asked haltingly and that’s what got Youngjae speaking. “No! No it’s not you Jacks. I’ve never slept with anyone. I have never wanted to so it’s not you at all. It’s me” Youngjae replied knowing the last few words sounded really cliche but it was the truth.
Youngjae is aware that there has always been something wrong with him and that there’s nothing wrong with Jackson.
“Baby? Are you ace?” Jackson asked after a minute goes by and Youngjae’s brain stopped the worrying thoughts as the question surprised him. “Am I what?” Youngjae replies. “Ace. As in Asexual?”Jackson says clarifying and Youngjae is utterly lost. “I don’t know what that means” Youngjae replies startled when the door is knocked on. “Do you mind opening the door?” Jackson asked and Youngjae knows it’ll be fine if he doesn’t open it and that Jackson would not be upset about it, but a part of him wanted to open the door and be out there with his boyfriend. Youngjae reached to open it and looked down at his chest for a moment before pulling his hand back.
“Can you bring me a shirt please?” Youngjae asks, voice small and Youngjae hears as Jackson gets up. Not a moment later there was a knock on the door. Youngjae unlocked the door and opened it enough to grab the shirt Jackson offered before closing it back. Once he had on the shirt Youngjae felt an immense amount of relief. He felt less vulnerable. He opened the door and walked out the bathroom, seeing Jackson in the chair by his desk fully dressed. “Hey love” Jackson said a smile on his face. Youngjae literally felt helpless seeing that smile and couldn’t help but give a small smile back. “Hi” Youngjae said shyly as he walked across the room and sat on his bed close to the headboard cross legged. A small part of him did want Jackson to sit by him but the vast majority was glad for the space.
“So. Asexual?” Youngjae prompted as the silence between them began to feel stifling. Jackson turned his body completely toward him so they were facing each other. “Asexuality is an sexual orientation just like bisexuality and homosexuality. More or less it means that an individual does not feel sexual attraction for anyone but everyone is different. If I’m correct the vast majority are sex averse” Jackson explained. “How do you know all of this?” Youngjae asked. “Mark actually. He thought he wasn’t quite sure what was going on with him and he thought something was wrong so he came to me and we did research and believed he was aromantic asexual. That wasn’t the case of course when he began dating JB. Turns out he’s demisexual” Jackson said and Youngjae was confused once again hearing a term he’s not familiar with. “Demisexual?” Youngjae asked, curious. Youngjae felt stupid not being familiar with such terms and Jackson only smiled giving Youngjae a sense of ease. “Demisexuality means that a person is not sexually attracted to anyone until they form a deep emotional bond with them” Jackson replied.
“I always believed there was something wrong with me. My family kept telling me to wait for the right one. I guess that’s not true” Youngjae admits. “Most likely not. And there’s nothing wrong with you.” Jackson replies. “I still have the links to all of that information and if you would like I can send them to you” Jackson said and Youngjae smiled again, grateful. “If I am asexual, then what does that means for us?” Youngjae asks.
Obviously Jackson is not asexual. And Youngjae has no idea how this is going to work.
“Nothing’s going to change. There isn’t a reason for anything to change,” Jackson replied and Youngjae had a look of disbelief. “Right” Youngjae says sarcastically and Jackson shakes his head. “Seriously. Nothing is going to change baby” Jackson says again. “But you want sex” Youngjae says shuddering at the thought of sleeping with Jackson. Jackson smiled scooting closer to the bed with the chair he was in. “Jae. I haven’t slept with anyone since I fell in love with you and it has been a while but that's alright. If it's hard to bear then I have toys to help with that” Jackson explained, blushing at the last few words he said. Youngjae listened, eyes soft with fondness and love. “But you have needs and wants. That’s not fair to you” Youngjae said again and Jackson sighed. “And I’m not going to compromise yours to satisfy mine. It wouldn’t be fair to you either Jae” Jackson said determination shining in his eyes. Before Youngjae could reply, Jackson put a finger up to his own lips signaling for the other to listen.
“Listen well my darling. You don’t need to change yourself for my needs or wants. I want you to understand that I love you for who you are and not what you can give me. If you want we can try some things and see what you like and don’t like but only what you’re comfortable with. You are perfect just the way you are. You’re just right and I want you for you. Nothing else” Jackson stated and Youngjae was in tears for the second time that night when Jackson finished his declaration. ‘I love this man. What did I do to deserve him?’ Youngjae thought, wiping away his tears, as he got up and walked over to Jackson, sitting in his lap placing his arms around Jackson’s neck while Jackson’s arms went around his waist. “I’m sorry for ruining our night” Youngjae said and Jackson pecked his forehead as he shook his head.
“You didn’t ruin anything. You just had an unexpected sexuality crisis. It happens” Jackson replied chuckling when Youngjae pouted. “I’m serious. Nothing was ruined” Jackson said again reassuring his boyfriend who nodded after a bit. “Before tonight, nothing we did before bothered you like this did it?” Jackson asked and Youngjae shook his head. “No” He replied, putting Jackson’s heart at ease. “I love you so much Jacks” Youngjae said, moving his face into Jackson’s neck. “I love you too Jae baby” was the reply as they sat there for a few minutes. “Hey. I noticed that you seem to be alright with cuddling. You want to cuddle and watch movies for the rest of the night?” Jackson asked and Youngjae honestly will never stop thanking Mark and JB for introducing them to one another. It was like they were fated to be together. “Jae?” Jackson said looking at Youngjae curious but Youngjae could see the slight worry. “Yes! I would love that” Youngjae replied happily and Jackson beamed. Youngjae got up from Jackson’s lap and pulled Jackson along to the living room.
Youngjae was sure that they would have more talks like the one they had today. And when he does read the articles Jackson sends him, he may feel a bit insecure and wonder if Jackson will ever leave him. But as long as Jackson wants to stay by his side and love him for who he is, then Youngjae has nothing to fear.