Work Text:
you can cry, stell
STELL
Sunshine boy. That’s who he is. That’s how he presented himself to be.
That means he had to be happy; he had to smile. Stell always had to be bright and cheerful.
But Stell was also human. It was a secret to the fans, but Stell succumbed to bad days and melancholic thoughts, too. He would cry, feel lonely, feel like nobody understood. Behind his sunshine smile, he tried to keep his sadness at bay.
That’s why he had to work extra hard to be upbeat, to be the mood setter. Because he can’t make them worry.
He is Stell Ajero, Sunshine Boy.
It’s just that sometimes, that moniker weighs heavily on his shoulders.
SB19
“Stell! Sa’n ka pupunta?!” Sejun shouted when Stell walked ahead of the group, climbed up the stairs, and slammed the bedroom door shut behind him. Josh, Ken, and Justin just looked at each other, waiting for one of them to say something.
They had just gotten back from a live tele-radio guesting. They were all tired as the guesting and post-guesting activities took a little while to wrap up. It went smoothly. SB19 always tried to put their best foot forward in every performance that they did… it’s just that when something wasn’t right with one of them, every member was affected.
This time, it was Stell was feeling down. Throughout the interview, he was impassive and lifeless. Since he was usually the one to set the tone, the lack of his bright and cheerful aura was obvious.
But they had a job to do, so Justin and Sejun stepped up. Ken did his part by speaking more, and Josh stood beside Stell, preparing to come to the rescue for however Stell needed him.
Stell didn’t talk much. Not during or after the event. And when they arrived at their shared living space, Stell just broke away from the group and shut himself into the room he shared with Sejun.
“May nangyari ba?” Justin asked innocently. He was usually one of the easiest to be affected, after Stell, whenever issues arose within the group.
Sejun shook his head. “Siguro bad day lang. ‘Lam niyo naman si Stell. May mga araw talagang ‘di siya okay.”
“’Di kaya tungkol dun, Sejun?” asked Josh.
Sejun immediately knew what he meant. The leader looked down, biting back his tongue. The whole group was weighed down by that. Perhaps Stell more so, as it added up to the stress he had been through lately.
“Baka…” he replied. “Pero ano ba magagawa natin? Kundi maghintay.”
“Sana lang makapag-hintay rin ang A’TIN,” said Josh.
They all knew that their inactivity on social media was having a negative effect on their relationship with the fans. But they couldn’t do anything about it. Things needed to be ready for that. And at the moment, the circumstances were not right.
Justin and Ken became quiet.
“Maghihintay yun,” Sejun said, giving them the best smile he could manage. In times like those, he had to be strong for his members. “Maghihintay sila kaya dapat tatagan lang natin loob natin.”
They had to hold on. Not just for their careers, but for themselves, too. Because they only had each other.
As they all fell silent, they looked up at the door to the room where Stell had locked himself in. They wished they could ask Stell to tell them what was wrong, but they chose to leave him alone for a little while.
So they camped outside Stell and Sejun’s room, listening to the sound of their Heavenly Voice cry.
A’TIN
Twitter was a mess. Everybody worried about their Sunshine Boy. Why was he like that? Was he okay? What was wrong?
Tell, us!
Don’t cry, Stell!
It hurts when we see you cry!
Smile for us, Stell!
Let me give you a hug, Stell!
If words on a monitor could scream, A’TIN would be shouting at the top of their lungs.
Everyone wanted to comfort their beloved Stell Ajero. They wanted to know what was wrong, make things better. But since they could not see or touch him, A’TIN could only send him their love through the screen.
A’TIN WITH AN AVERAGE, NONDESCRIPT ACCOUNT
When Stell seemed to be a little under the weather during the interview, her first reaction was, Ah, it’s one of those days.
Stell must have been going through something. She could empathize. She has bad days on a regular basis; she sometimes couldn’t even tell the good and bad days apart. That was until SB19 became some sort of lifeline for her, making the worst days a little bit better.
Now, whenever she was feeling a little under, she would wait for the emotional storm to run its course while she played SB19’s tracks on loop.
As the interview went on, she put her hands together and offered a silent prayer for Stell. Because that aside, there was nothing else she could do. She could only hope that Stell and SB19 always has the perseverance to wait for the worst to pass.
You can cry, Stell, she thought as she started typing her tweet. In the midst of everyone else wishing, asking, begging for Stell to smile, she could only ask him to let it out:
“Today might not have been a good day,
but it’s okay not to be okay.
You can cry, @stellajero_ !”
Three hundred followers. Since she was an A’TIN with an average, nondescript account, she thought no one would bat an eye.
Or so it seemed.
ANOTHER AVERAGE, NONDESCRIPT ACCOUNT
It was strange. Stell wasn’t like that. Stell would usually be the one to set the mood, get everyone engaged. But during the interview, he was even more quiet than Ken.
As a fan, he wanted to tweet something. He wanted to ask Stell what it was that was bothering him. Join the bandwagon and tell Stell that it was okay. That he shouldn’t cry.
But why did that feel a little bit off?
As he scrolled through his Twitter timeline, one of his mutuals tweeted:
“Today might not have been a good day,
but it’s okay not to be okay.
You can cry, @stellajero_ !”
That made him stop and think.
If it were him, he wouldn’t want to be told not to cry if he so obviously needed it. When things bothered him, he always found a way to release his tension. Like dancing to SB19’s songs even if he had two left feet or sing like a maniac in the shower. For Stell, the same could be true.
So instead of riding on everybody’s wave, he requoted his mutual’s tweet:
“Ewan ko ano nangyayari,
pero kung di ka okay, oks lang
yun.“You can cry”, @stellajero_
at mamahalin ka padin namin!”
AVERAGE, NONDESCRIPT ACCOUNTS (ANA) IN THE GDM
ANA1: ansakit sa puso makita si Stell na ganun sheeeet!
ANA2: oo nga, no kaya meron? ☹
ANA3: Nako issue nanaman! Andaming issue! Jusko!
ANA1: edi umalis ka na!
ANA3: Lolo mo, alis! Di na ba pwede magrant sa GDM?? HAHAHAH
ANA1: basta walang mag-ss dito! walang trayduran! nyahahahahah
ANA2: sad ako para kay stell. sana okay lang siya ☹
ANA 4: Syempre ‘di siya okay. Kaya nga ‘di siya nakasmile dba??
ANA 3: Naii-stress ako sa mga tao sa TL ko. Puro “don’t cry, Stell”! ‘Di na ba pwede umiyak yung tao???!!! HAHAHAHA
ANA 4: (sent a tweet)
“Ewan ko ano nangyayari,
pero kung di ka okay, oks lang
yun.“You can cry”, @stellajero_
at mamahalin ka padin namin!”
ANA 1: ano yan, hanash mo?
ANA 2: papa-RT niya daw for GA. hahahaha
ANA 4: Ewan ko sa inyo. Opinyon ko lang naman. Tao rin lang si Stell kaya kung gusto niya umiyak, edi hwag nyo pigilan!!!
ANA 3: (2)
ANA 5: Hi, sorry mejo IA ako. Anong issue?
Regardless, all of them retweeted it anyway. A’TIN were supportive like that, they supposed. Five retweets turned into ten. Ten into thirteen. Thirteen into the timeline of one account with a huge following.
ENTER, THE ACCOUNT WITH A HUGE FOLLOWING
She scrolled down her timeline with detached concern. She watched the interview; Stell did look a little off. So did Josh. As an A’TIN, she knew that it was not a good day when Stell loses the brightness he usually carried around with him.
“Smile, Stell!”
“Can you please smile? Don’t look so sad! ☹ “
“What’s going on with Stell? Please don’t cry!”
Perhaps it was because of her age—she was thirty-two, for Pete's sake—that she felt conflicted about asking Stell not to cry. She understood these A’TIN. They only wanted for Stell to feel better. They wanted to cheer him up.
But she also knew how important it was not to hold on to the tightness in your chest. If Stell was having a bad day, wasn’t it normal to be weighed down? Sure, he was an idol who needed to keep up a persona… but idols are humans, too. If you cut them, they bleed. If you they’re hurting, they cry.
She didn’t know how it got to her timeline. Perhaps one of her mutuals liked or re-tweeted the tweet. But then she read a quoted tweet:
“Ewan ko ano nangyayari,
pero kung di ka okay, oks lang
yun.“You can cry”, @stellajero_
at mamahalin ka padin namin!”
It made her smile somewhat that there was one fan as empathic as this one. The fandom perhaps needed more people who also let the boys be human as much as they be idols.
So she tweeted:
“Ako, umiiyak ako tuwing
mabigat yung dinadamdam ko.
Kaya hayaan niyo umiyak yung tao.
#YouCanCry @stellajero_ .
Ikaw din, kapatid, you can cry.
Sandal ka dito sakin.@SB19Official #SB19”
The response to her tweet was strange. One A’TIN requoted her tweet with her own #YouCanCry story. Then another. And another. Pretty soon, many other A’TIN joined in.
“Hindi ako matatag emotionally.
Kaya iyakin ako. Sana umiyak ka lang,
@stellajero_ ! Sabayan kita para dalawa tayo.@SB19Official #SB19 #YouCanCry”
“People always looked up to me as
a ‘strong independent woman’. HAHA
if only they knew. DON’T HOLD BACK
YOUR TEARS!#YouCanCry @stellajero_ !!!
@SB19Official #SB19”
“Crying isn’t a sign of weakness!!!!!!
Crying is a mark of humanity!#YouCanCry @stellajero_ !
@SB19Official #SB19”
“Unti-unting lunurin ang aking
nadarama. Iiyak mo lang yan, kapatid!
Kung anuman pinagdadaanan mo,
#YouCanCry . Lilipas rin ang lahat.@SB19Official @stellajero_ #SB19”
“Soft hours na ‘ba? #YouCanCry
@stellajero_
@SB19Official #SB19”
Eventually, the hashtag gained more and more tweets. Even people from outside the fandom were tweeting with their #YouCanCry stories.
“SB19 nanaman ba yang #YouCanCry?!”
“Grabe naiiyak ako sa
nababasa ko sa #YouCanCry
TT^TT”
“Me while checking the #YouCanCry tag
and finding out it started off as
an SB19-related tag. Deym,
this fandom knows no chill.”
“Who is this SB19 and why am
I hearing about them just now?
#YouCanCry ”
She was secretly laughing nervously at what she’d started. Three hours after posting it, the tag was trending nationwide at #10, while ‘Stell’ was trending at #16. She didn’t really understand how. But the number of people using the tag and sharing their stories started to spread like wildfire in a way that she didn’t expect.
Perhaps a lot of people had been told off for crying? Maybe more people needed to hear that they can cry, too.
Either way, she guessed it would only give A'TIN and other people a chance to open up. And even if her tag wasn’t exactly an official tag, she hoped the Trendsetter team won’t mind.
Well, it wasn’t the first time she’d started a trending tag outside of the Trendsetters’ official tags, anyway. She didn’t know if she should be sorry for that or not.
She was hoping for only one thing, though. That SB19 would remember that A’TIN had their back. All of them. After all, wasn’t that what the fandom was for?
THE TRENDSETTERS’ GDM
Member 1: Hala, nagte-trend yun #/YouCanCry tag! Diba di official yun??
Member 2: oo. default tags tayo today eh. oks lang. wala rn naman tayong instruction from sbt na magpost ng new tag.
Member 3: Pero okay lang naman yan, diba?
Member 2: oo, okay lang yan. saka i actually appreciate the gesture. hehehe sana okay lang si stell.
Member 4: haha sumali rin ako sa trend. sali rin kayo para masaya.
Member 3: Actually, tapos na akong mag-tweet. Hehehehe
SB19 Trends PH tweeted:
“We are one family here.
You can laugh. You can cry.
You can share it all with us.
A’TIN loves you, SB19!@SB19Official #SB19”
SB19
“Sejun! Sejun!”
Sejun woke with a start. He and the rest of SB19 had been sitting outside Stell’s room since a few hours ago, just waiting. Stell’s crying had died down over the next hour, but he still didn’t open the door.
Sejun was surprised that he had fallen asleep in the time that passed.
“O, ano, Justin?” he asked the youngest, who looked like he had something important to say.
“May nangyayari na naman sa Twitter!” Justin answered, smiling with his gums showing.
“Kalat na naman ba ‘yan?”
Justin laughed. “Hindi! Tignan mo, o!”
Sejun leaned over to where his members were huddled together over Josh’s phone. They were scrolling through the timeline of what they liked to call their ‘lurker’ account. Justin was laughing, Josh was already looking like he wanted to start crying. Ken only watched with an impassive face, but Sejun knew he was processing everything. A little while later, a smile graced Ken’s face.
There were too many messages mentioning the SB19 official and Stell’s account. But it wasn’t just the usual greetings, random messages, and thirst tweets. The timeline was filled with encouraging words not just to Stell and SB19, but to the other A’TIN as well.
Messages encouraging them to cry. Telling them someone in the fandom had their back. Someone would be listening. Telling SB19 they would wait for whatever was happening to be over. Assuring them that A’TIN would wait no matter what.
Sometimes, Sejun is still surprised with everything that A’TIN does for them. Sure, the fan chants, fan projects, and the trending hashtags were great. But it was in these moments—when A’TIN united and supported SB19 like true family—that Sejun wondered how in the world he could repay these people.
“Hala, trending at #9 na!” Justin exclaimed, pointing to the screen.
“Nagpapa-iyak naman itong tag na ito, eh,” Josh said, trying to laugh. “Kapag ‘eto nakita ni Stell, baka umiyak ulit ‘yon.”
“Grabe. Parang nakikipag-away lang yung gigil, dre,” Ken commented.
And Sejun agreed. He didn’t think he needed to hear what Ken had to say until he heard it.
Parang nakikipag-away. A’TIN always had that drive to promote SB19 to the world like they were some sort of cavalry. They weren’t asked. They weren’t paid. But they did it anyway. Every day without fail.
SB19 thought they were fighting battles, just the five of them. But sometimes they forget that there were a few hundred thousand people who were fighting alongside them.
Just when Sejun thought he had the best team with his members, A’TIN comes with their light sticks, banners, and tweets to say that it wasn’t just SB19 against the world. A’TIN were with them, too.
Sejun couldn’t help but smile. Wasn’t he the one who said it? SB19xATIN… forever na ‘yan. And it never rang truer than at that moment.
STELL
Stell had curled into fetal position as soon as he lay on his bunk bed. He felt like the world was raining down on him. His chest felt like a black hole, draining the life out of him.
He felt sorry for his members whom he could hear staying outside the room. He felt sorry, but he also wished they would just go away. Stell was not in the mood to talk. A lot of things had been on his mind the past few days, not the least of which was the question on whether he was doing everything right.
Was he being the right kind of idol? Was he doing good enough? Was he giving to the fans enough? Was he helping the group enough?
‘Enough’ felt like a word that Stell had been chasing after since he was young. He always had to work hard for it, double his efforts. Smile. Laugh. Make other people feel better. Look happy.
But was it enough? Stell didn’t know. He felt like he was giving everything but it still fell short.
With everything that was going on with their group, with that concern at the back of his mind, with their major events temporarily put on-hold because of recent developments; it all became too much. And Stell… Stell just wanted to cry until his tears dried up.
“Stell?” came Sejun’s voice from behind the door after he knocked twice. Stell made himself smaller and stopped breathing.
Hwag muna ngayon, Sejun, he thought to himself, already starting to cry again.
“Hindi ka namin guguluhin. Pero kung gising ka man,” Sejun started, “baka gusto mong i-check yung Twitter mo. May message lang yung A’TIN para sa iyo.”
Stell didn’t respond. He pretended that he heard nothing.
“Okay lang umiyak, Stell…” Sejun followed up. “Sana pag natapos ka nang umiyak, mache-check mo yung Twitter mo. Uh… yun lang. Sa sala nalang ako matutulog. Good night.”
Stell bit his lip. He felt bad for Sejun having to sleep on the couch. But he really didn’t feel like seeing anyone at the moment.
And what was that other thing he said about Twitter? Recently, everything he’d been reading on social media was taking a toll on him. And while he wanted to help A’TIN resolve their internal issues, he couldn’t. And he felt so useless that he couldn’t do anything about it.
Stell’s phone pinged with a notification. It was Justin.
From: Justin, SB19
Icheck mo twt mo. Hindi issue, pramis.
Stell sighed. For some reason, Justin saying ‘promise’ made him think it would be worth just taking a peek, maybe.
So Stell wiped the tears in his eyes, opened his Twitter app, not even surprised at the gazillion notifications that were there. But what surprised him when he opened it were the things he read on the timeline and hundred messages in his DM inbox.
His name was included in many tweets right next to the hashtag #YouCanCry.
“teyteeeeey! sorry kung it’s a bad day!
pero i hope you know na nandito kami.
iiyak mo lang yan, please.@SB19Official #SB19
#YouCanCry @stellajero_ ”
“You’ve always been there for me.
It’s my turn to be there for you.
#YouCanCry @stellajero_ ! <3@SB19Official #SB19”
“You don’t have to smile if you
don’t feel like smiling, @stellajero_ .
Tao ka rin, pwede kang umiyak.
Hope you feel better soon, TeyTey~!#YouCanCry Stell!
@SB19Official #SB19”
“SB19xATIN forever!
We gotchu, Stell!#YouCanCry @stellajero_
@SB19Official #SB19”
“Mahal na mahal na mahal
na mahal na mahal ka namin, Stell!
Hwag mo kalimutan yan. Ubusin
mo luha mo! #YouCanCry@stellajero_ @SB19Official #SB19”
Oh, Stell thought in his head. He had started crying again, unknowingly. A’TIN had always given them encouraging messages. They would even joke around with them and give them helpful suggestions.
But why did it feel different? Why did A’TIN acknowledging his need to cry feel like a relief? Maybe it was because Stell could see that he was being treated like a person, rather than an idol?
Maybe. Whatever it was, it was making Stell cry.
SB19
The door creaked open and Sejun, Josh, Ken, and Justin looked up to see Stell standing by the doorway, his eyes dry but puffy.
“Nakita ko yung Twitter,” he said, his voice breaking. He covered his mouth with the back of his hand.
Sejun smiled at him, standing from his sitting position on the living room. “Sabi ko sa’yo, eh.”
“Kayo ba may utos nun?” he asked.
“’Di, ah!” Josh said, already going up the stairs to approach Stell. “Sila lang yun. Sila naman lagi. A’TIN to the rescue, kumbaga.”
Stell just stood there, not replying. Josh reached him, finally, and pulled him into a hug.
“Gusto mo pag-usapan natin?” he asked. “Tungkol ba ito dun?”
Stell broke their hug and shook his head. “Andami lang, eh… Ambigat. Sorry ha? ‘Di ko alam san sisimulan, eh.”
“Kahit sa’n,” Josh said, smiling. Then, he put his arm around Stell’s shoulders and led him down the stairs to the living room, where Sejun, Ken, and Justin waited. “Basta kung ano man yan, pagtulungan natin ‘yan.”
Justin and Ken smiled at Stell as he sat between Sejun and Josh.
Then he started to talk. Everything he had been thinking and worrying about, the issues, the doubt, his concerns on that… he laid it bare to his members. They sat there, quiet, not asking him to stop talking. And when he was done, Josh put his arms around Stell again and thanked him for telling them about it.
What did it accomplish? Nothing, Stell thought. His problems were still there. The issues were still there. God knows that would take some planning to resolve. There were no solutions that came up as he spoke. His members didn’t even advise him on what to do.
But Stell felt as if the heavy rock was lifted from his chest. Sure, he was having a bad day. He has been for some time now. But crying and having someone tell him it was okay made him feel like he didn’t have to be Sunshine Boy, even for a little while.
“You can cry, Stell,” Josh whispered as he rubbed Stell’s back.
“Kinopya mo ba yan dun sa hashtag?” Stell asked.
Josh laughed. “Hindi, ah! Bukal yun sa puso ko. Char.”
Sejun, who was beside Stell, also started rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Isipin mo nalang A’TIN nagsasabi nun. ‘Di man nila masabi sa iyo ng personal, kami nalang magsasabi para sa kanila.”
“Ang korni ninyo,” Stell said, meaning for it to be a joke. But it only ended up making him cry more.
A'TIN
Twitter was a mess yet again. But not because of the issues that recently arose. It was because Stell figuratively ‘moved the glass’.
Vester tweeted:
Love you, A’TIN. 🍓💙