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“What are you scared of?” Perfuma asked.
The question resonated around the room, amplified by Catra’s silence. She sat on the floor, knees to her chest, her back resting against a large purple cushion. The curtains were drawn, letting the beautiful Etherian sun cast its light across the floor. Melog was curled up in a patch of this sunlight, purring just loud enough to hear.
Catra hugged her knees tighter, squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, and sighed. After the war ended, after she and Adora had… What had they done, exactly? Confessed their love for each other? Kissed? A fluttering sensation in her core peaked as she remembered that moment. A sensation that she was all too used to, the one that Perfuma told her was a signal of excitement… or nervousness or fear or…
She had been meeting with Perfuma every week since shortly after… everything. It wasn’t Catra’s idea. She had always valued action over words. And it’s not like she was raised to express her feelings. But they all told her talking with somebody would help. Help with her anger. Her pain. Glimmer had assured her that the most helpful thing for her after losing her mom was talking about it. Ignoring the topic only amplified the hurt but talking about it had given her the chance to feel it and understand herself better. But it was something else that Glimmer had said that finally convinced Catra to take up Perfuma’s offer. Offhandedly, Glimmer had mentioned that talking with Perfuma had brought her closer to Bow because she felt more confident in her ability to express her vulnerabilities and insecurities with him. Their relationship had never been better, she said.
Catra wanted nothing more than to be closer to Adora. She wasn’t stupid, she knew their history was complicated… confusing… painful. She still felt herself wanting to pull away when Adora drew her close… an instinct to protect herself, Perfuma told her. Catra had learned that her pain was deeply rooted in broken promises and losing people she loved. To protect herself from that pain it was easier to not love at all, even though love is all she had ever wanted. Specifically, Adora’s love. The love of someone who knew exactly how she grew up, whose laugh made her smile, whose touch warmed her from the inside out, whose steel-blue eyes gazed at her with such gentleness and care…
“I’m scared of losing her” Catra replied quietly. She felt her throat tighten and her eyes sting as she said it.
“What would it mean if you lost her?” Perfuma questioned gently.
Catra tilted her head back to rest against the cushion, once again closing her eyes. She gripped her knees, noticing the pinprick of each of her claws through her pants. What wouldn’t it mean, she thought to herself? Without Adora what would she have? Would anything be left?
Her thoughts flashed back to the other night. She and Adora were laying together in bed, legs entwined, with Catra’s cheek nestled on Adora’s chest. Adora absentmindedly played with Catra’s hair and scratched behind her ear. Although it was an ordinary moment, an everyday occurrence, Catra felt an overwhelming sense of awe, followed swiftly by that fluttering feeling in her stomach. She closed her eyes, remembering Perfuma’s guidance to listen to her body and acknowledge her feelings. “Adora… I’m feeling something” she started. “What, oh sorry, that’s my hand,” the blonde mumbled, letting her fingers fall from Catra’s hair and resting her hand on her shoulder. “No, not that… I like that… it’s something else.” Adora was quiet, her chest rising and falling slowly. Catra tilted her head slightly to look up at her. Asleep. “Ah… never mind then” Catra muttered aloud. She loved being in Adora’s arms, loved being touched by her, loved touching her. Why did she feel nervous? Was it even nerves? No. It was fear. She felt her eyes well up with tears. She tightened her grip on Adora’s sleeping body, feeling her tears roll down her cheeks. “Please don’t leave me” she whispered into the cool night air.
“It would mean… it would mean that nobody on this planet loved me. It would mean that I am truly, one hundred percent alone in this world… the thing that I have feared since I was a kitten” Catra’s voice broke as tears started falling down her cheeks. “It would mean that I’m not good enough for someone to stick around for… that I’m worthless… just like they told me growing up” her tears were hot against her face. Melog was immediately at Catra’s side, curling up next to her and looking up at her intently.
Catra continued to cry, without words, for what felt like minutes. As her tears started to ebb, she heard Perfuma take a deep breath and exhale. Without thinking, Catra mirrored her, inhaling deeply and exhaling to the count of four. She wiped her cheeks and placed an arm around Melog. Satisfied, the shapeshifter nuzzled into her hand and started purring again.
“How are you feeling now that you’ve gotten all that out?” Perfuma asked with a gentle smile.
“My eyes are going to be all red and puffy now… but I do feel better… thanks,” Catra replied. And she truly did feel better. All the times she had broken down and cried while talking to Perfuma made her feel more… alive. She had tried for so long to dampen down her emotions, to not feel them, and certainly not express them. Again, she had learned that this was a way to protect herself from pain and hurt. But she was in a safe place now. She was free to experience a full range of emotion without the risk of being ignored or punished for it. Allowing herself to acknowledge and embrace her pain also allowed her to feel joy and love at a higher amplitude.
“Catra…” Perfuma started slowly. “You are worthy of love. You are loved. You have so much love to give. And people love to be loved by you. Your fear is reasonable, and it makes sense that you developed it. However, that doesn’t mean it’s true, right?” She finished.
Catra smiled softly, “Right.” She was starting to believe Perfuma was right. It had taken several weeks of talking through…everything… but she was warming up to the idea that what had happened to her, growing up in the Horde, was wrong and that she deserved better. She deserved to be happy, wanted, and loved.
Catra straightened her legs and curled her toes a few times before getting up off the floor. “Thanks, Perfuma, I feel good about ending our conversation for now.”
“Same time next week?” She asked.
“Ha, yeah, I think so” Catra replied with a soft smile. Melog got up with her and walked close to her heel as she navigated the hallway back to Adora’s… her and Adora’s… room. Catra found Adora sitting on the floor, stretching, as was typical for her after a training session.
The blonde glanced up at Catra as she entered the room. “Hey you,” she greeted with a big grin. “Hey Adora,” she answered tenderly, walking over toward her. Adora reached up with both hands, “help me up, I want to hug you” she said sweetly. Catra’s heart swelled as she grabbed Adora’s hands and steadied her as she got up. Adora cradled Catra in a deep embrace, stroking her hair with one hand and holding tightly onto her waist with the other. Catra began to purr as she nestled her face into the crook of Adora’s neck. That fluttering feeling in her stomach wasn’t there. She simply felt warm… and loved… and right. “I love you,” she breathed against Adora’s neck.
“I love you too.”