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And as the world comes into an end,
I'll be here to hold your hand
'Cause you're my king and I'm your lionheart
(King and Lionheart – of Monsters and Men)
Thomas paced in his room anxiously. His head was swarming with questions and haunting thoughts he hoped to God weren't true. The thunderstorm outside roared. He closed his eyes and tried to block all the negative thoughts that were slowly creeping into his head. Newt, where are you? Thomas asked desperately to himself.
He walked towards the window in his room. The rain was pouring so hard he could barely see anything outside. It was too dangerous for anyone to be standing outside in the rain – too dangerous for someone like Newt. His heart started to speed up in worry. Newt hadn't called him since that morning when he said he was coming over to tell him something. That was before the rain had started to pour.
Not being able to tolerate his anxiety any further, he grabbed his coat and car keys before heading to his car. He drove around for what seemed like hours. There was still no sign nor news about Newt. No one heard from him, including Minho, who was Newt's best friend.
The pouring rain hit his car's windows heavily. He couldn't see anything but streams of water flowing quickly. But not even minutes later, he felt a huge rush of relief surge within him as he saw a familiar figure walking in the rain.
Thomas abruptly parked his car on the sidewalk and ran straight out into the rain. He caught up with the figure and pulled his arm back.
It was Newt.
Newt's eyes were bloodshot-red. He was shivering and he had bags under his eyes. He looked so terrible all Thomas wanted to do was protect him. Newt's red eyes suggested that he had been crying. Thomas didn't know of anything that could have made Newt cry. He never expressed his emotions to anyone – even him. Pushing the thought away, Thomas ran to Newt and wrapped his arms around Newt tightly. “I'm so glad you're oka – ”
“Don't you dare finish that sentence,” Newt interrupted harshly. He choked on his sobs, trying to push Thomas away. “Get away from me. Get away from me. Please, Tommy, please,” he said in a tone so desperate that it hurt Thomas. Thomas had no idea what was going on with Newt or what had caused this reaction. “Get away from me,” Newt repeated, shaking badly from being too cold. Thomas didn't let him go though.
“Newt,” Thomas sounded desperate, but he didn't care. What mattered the most was Newt. That was what had always mattered to him the most. “Talk to me. What happened?”
With one final push, Newt managed to get away from Thomas' grip. “I can't talk to you about it. I don't want you to get involved with it. I don't want you to get involved with me,” he said miserably. “You'll never understand.”
Thomas started to become angry. He had only wanted to know what was going on. Instead, Newt was giving him bullshit he knew wasn't true. He knew Newt loved him too much not push him away so easily. It was the same for him. He could never do that to Newt. “Then make me understand!” he yelled furiously in the rain. Newt flinched. He was taken back from Thomas' outburst. Thomas almost wanted to take Newt into his arms again but he couldn't. Newt didn't want him to. “Please, Newt. Help me understand what's wrong,” he begged, his voice breaking towards the end.
“Don't you get it already? It's me, Tommy, it's me! I'm everything that's wrong!” Newt exclaimed in despair. The rain wasn't helping as it had only started to pour harder. Thomas' head was spinning. He was more confused than he was before. “I'm sick, Thomas,” Newt said quietly. His voice was hoarse from all the yelling. Newt was tired. He felt as if his body was going to give up soon.
Newt had used his full name. Newt didn't call him Tommy. This was real. Thomas stared into Newt's eyes, hoping it was some kind of joke. But there was no sign of joking. Newt's eyes looked soulless – almost dead. “Newt,” Thomas started, stepping closer to Newt. It was no use though. Newt only stepped a step away from Thomas. “Newt,” Thomas said once again, more desperately this time.
Newt shook his head tiredly. “Please. Just don't go near me. That's all I'm asking for.” They were both soaking wet now. They hadn't even realized that they had been standing in the rain for so long.
Although Thomas thought his anger had faded away, it hadn't. It was accumulating inside him.“Why are you pushing me away? I'm trying to help! God damn it, Newt!” shouted Thomas. He was quickly losing his temper. All he wanted was to hold Newt and tell him everything was going to be okay. All he wanted was to feel his happiness in his arms again. “You act like you don't want me around you anymore just because you're sick even though I know that all you want is for me to hold you right now. Why are you pushing me away? Why no – ”
“Because I don't want you to get hurt!” Newt snapped over Thomas' voice. “Okay, Thomas? Is that fucking answer good enough for you? I don't want you to get involved in my life more than you already are. I don't want the impact of my fucking death to hurt you as much as it would if I let you near me! I knew you'd never understand. You should never have looked for me.”
At this point, Thomas' eyes were shining with tears. He hadn't realized he had been crying until he felt the warm streaks flow down his face. “You know what, Newt? I think you're the one who don't understand. You keep saying it like pushing me away is going to help me and you. Let me tell you something. It won't. I'm already very much involved with you more than you'd like to admit. You can't just push me away and say it's going to hurt less for me when the day comes,” Thomas' voice broke. “I love you, Newt. What part of love don't you understand? I would swim all the oceans, I would fight a dragon with my bare hands, I would walk hundreds of thousands of miles – all of that, for you. Just say the words, and God damn it Newt, I'd do it if I knew it'd put a smile on your face. You obviously don't love me anymore. I'm sorry, Newt, but I still do.”
Once Thomas was done speaking, he was so tired he just wanted to go back home to sleep. Giving up, he turned his back on Newt, who looked broken, and started to walk back to his car. But before he could take another step forward, Newt caught up to him and pulled him back by his arm. Without any given notice, Newt kissed Thomas.
Newt's lips were soft, like they always have been. Thomas didn't know how much he had missed them until he felt them moving against his. The kiss was sweet and something they both had desperately needed from the beginning. When they needed to take in air again, they pulled apart.
Their foreheads were touching, and Newt's eyelids were pressed shut. No one was speaking. They were just savoring each other's warmth they didn't know they needed. And when the silence was broken, it was because Newt finally spoke. “Listen to me, you bloody idiot. Just because I said I wanted to push you away, it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore.” Thomas slowly fluttered his eyes close as well as he just took in Newt's voice. “I love you so much. I love you. I love you. I love you,” Newt repeated over and over again. “And i'll never stop saying I love you because I don't know when the last time I'll be saying it will be. And even then, don't bloody forget I love you – I always have.”