Chapter Text
Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed.
Most of the time if I must admit it.
I didn't meant to fall, I just asked the wrong question at the wrong time. It was genuine curiosity but questioning the decisions of the all mighty seems to be like, a really bad thing. But I wasn’t wrong at all, now that I see it in perspective. Since that happened, I never wanted to come back. All that foolishness-blinded mandatory orders, thousands of innocent people murdered, and injustice committed in every corner, just for that damn orders. Without questioning, without hesitance. Just “the good ones” doing their job. Never going back.
And it is not that I have any hopes, though. Being a demon is being unforgivable. At the beginning, being a rebel, a fallen, wasn't that bad. If I’m totally honest, it was even kind of satisfying. Going here and there, rebelling myself against the holiness, against the sacred, against the one who despise me first for such a stupid reason like making an innocent question. Now, I’m the one who despise all of that. But…people down here take it all too seriously.
Resentment, cruelty, evilness…it takes it all away. I’ve seen each one of my beloved friends become nothing but rooting flesh, with wrath and rage pouring out of their eyes, and all the grace and beauty that they ever had, completely lost. At the end, it becomes the same. Blinded orders for blinded demons, without questioning, without hesitance. I don’t want that either.
So, what’s the point of my existence? I failed as an angel, and I failed as a demon. Then, for what am I supposed to be fighting for? My entire existence is an absolute failure. I don’t believe in anything anymore. It doesn’t make sense to me to keep up with all of this. I should end it, then.
That's were my thoughts when I met you. There where something called “humans”, that seems to be the latest brand creation of God, and I was ordered to tempt them to eat an apple. An apple from a tree that specifically had a warning that said, “Do not touch”. I mean, I was supposed to be evil and all, but even if I didn’t tempt them, they were going to end up eating anyway. God has a strange sense of humor, if you ask me. Whatever, I saw that as my chance for an end. To guard the Garden of Eden, an angel was sent with a flaming sword. Angels despise demons, we represent everything they are against, and angels must fight demons and kill them if they have a chance. Or so I thought.
After the first temptation, humans were banished from Eden. A little too harsh punishment, but I was banished from Heaven for little less, so it seems all normal. Then I approached you, ready to receive a thrust from your sword, one last pain that let me be free. But you barely showed any signs of contempt or hate towards me. Indeed, you seemed…worried? For the humans that were expelled for their own sin? Why should an angel worry about something that was Her divine design? Then I asked for the sword that I thought would end my life, and your answer left me astonished. You, an angel, were disobeying for doing what you think it’s right!
At that moment, I realized that you were nothing like the others. You were kind and warm, you smiled at me, and you even sheltered me under your wings when the rain started. Oh my, it felt like eons since someone was this nice towards me. I’d had been told that a demon, like I, deserve nothing but disparagement from the celestial beings. And then you came up with this, just love and purity. That caught my attention.
So then, slowly, without noticing, chasing genuine curiosity, I transform you into my reason to live. I want to know you. I want to feel you. I want to be with you. But, on the top of that, I want you to love me the same way I love you. You make me be better, you teach me, through your eyes, that beautiful eyes, to love humanity. If you are with me, I can be finally happy here on earth.
But you are an angel after all, aren’t you? An angel who are under the grace of God, an angel who has to follow “the ineffable plan”, who has to eradicate me in the first place. How someone who is so sacred can be with a despiful demon like me? Of course not, it can’t be like that. Even if I reached you, even if I helped you multiple times, even if I showed you, through my actions, that I really don’t want to be bad, you still deny me. You still don’t trust me. You still push me away. You still think the worst of me. You still don’t recognize our relation, calling me an enemy every time that I mention it.
And still, I have hope. Because you care about me, because you save me, because every time I see your beautiful blue eyes, watching me, I can say that you are containing your true feelings. Because we weren't suppose to be together, and you must always follow the rules, don’t you?
Nonetheless, is hard, so hard, to be like this. With you, it's like making a step forward and two steps back. And it can be exhausting. So I asked you for insurance, I said it was a self-defense thing, but you know me very well, maybe more than I know myself. Yes, I wanted that holy water for self-defense, ultimately, it's a reality that being with an angel is dangerous. But the idea of ending my existence did not completely abandon me since the first time I considered an option. After all, I’m still a failure, and I will always be.
Even so, I love you more than anything, so I kept taking care of you. Willing to stand a little bit of pain so that you did not have problems. And saving your precious books, of course, because I know how much that old-paper things mean to you, although I don’t completely understand why.
And, without expecting it, you finally trust me. Really trust me, for the first time. And you prove me how much you really care about me. Because you gave me the holy water, hoping that I never use it on me. Even more, you say you wanted to hang out sometime, smiling, reassuring that you want to be with me for more time.
That smile, that precious smile, is everything that I would have asked for. So, in the end, even if you will never show your true feelings, even if we will never be more than friends, I can stand it now. If you let me be by your side, appreciating you and making you happy, I will be fine. Because the simple fact of having met you, it’s enough for me to face eternity. Yet, my wish will always be there, and maybe, just maybe, someday you will love me the way I love you.