Work Text:
“You must’ve clicked the wrong thing,” Dan says.
“I didn’t. I’m sure I didn’t,” Phil insists, but he’s already trying to get Amazon up on his phone.
Dan holds his hand out, laughing. Rolling his eyes, Phil hands him the phone.
“I’m telling you.”
“If you wanted us to use sex dice, all you had to do was ask-"
“Shut up,” Phil says, but he’s laughing too. “Give that back,” He adds, taking the phone. Dan’s already on the orders page, so Phil only has to scroll down a little bit before he finds it. “Look, see, normal dice. For board games.”
“Gotta say, Phil, I’m disappointed in you,” Dan says in mock serious tones, eyes sparkling. “Implying that sex dice are abnormal isn’t very sex positive of you.”
“Fuck off,” Phil says, poking him in the ribs. Dan just laughs, then laughs again at the look on Phil’s face.
“Only you,” He manages to say through great bursts of laughter. “Only you could buy sex dice by accident. Jesus Christ, Phil.”
“I'll have to contact the seller,” Phil says, rolling his eyes at Dan. “You’re the worst.”
-
“Dan.”
“Sorry, what was that?” Dan says, head pillowed on Phil's thigh. Phil feels himself arching like a bowstring, breath falling from his mouth in gasps.
“Dan, Dan -"
Dan laughs, breath puffing out against his overheated skin. Phil shudders, desperately moving a hand from where it’s fisted in rumpled bedsheets.
“Hey, no,” Dan says, soft. “Not yet.”
“I hate you,” Phil says, hand finding Dan's hair. Dan tilts his head up into his hand like a cat. “Did I mention that I hate you?”
“Once or twice,” Dan says, a smile in his voice, nose cold against Phil's inner thigh.
“That’s – circulatory problem. Your – your – ah -"
Dan bites, high enough that Phil's gonna feel it every time he moves, every time he sits down. It hurts, God it hurts, but he leans into it, fingers caught in Dan's hair.
“Stop talking about my nose,” Dan says, soothing the bite with kisses. Phil’s too hot, all he wants is for Dan to move, to do something.
“It's – poor blood flow,” Phil manages, somehow. “Should call a doctor.”
“Is that on your dice? Telling me to call a doctor?”
Phil laughs.
“Fuck off.”
He lifts his head, dazed, enough to see Dan’s smile, to soften his desperate hold on his hair into a caress.
“D'you wanna use them? I can go and get them.”
He laughs before Phil even manages to respond.
“If you leave now I'll...”
“What?” Dan says, one hand trailing further and further up Phil's thigh. “You'll do what, Phil?”
“Please,” Phil breathes. They’ve been together too long for him to even be embarrassed anymore. Dan knows just how to play him, how to wait, how to wring perfect notes out of him. Phil wouldn’t have it any other way. “Please.”
“Mm,” Dan says, and lowers his mouth to Phil's skin.
-
“I’m not talking to you,” Phil says later, after he's had a shower. Dan got there first, like he always does – Phil just lay there for a moment, nerve endings buzzing, still catching his breath.
Dan grins at him, lazily.
“That was you just talking to me, mate.”
“Don’t mate me, not after that,” Phil says, flopping down next to him on the bed. He lets Dan pull him close and kiss him all the same. “Hate you.”
“No you don’t,” Dan says, and kisses him again. After a moment, he pulls back. “If you didn’t like it we don’t have to do it anymore, y'know. I just thought - mmf-"
Phil cuts him off with a kiss.
“I liked it too much,” He says, breathless seconds later. “That’s why I hate you.”
“That’s ok then,” Dan says, softly.
-
“Yeet,” Phil calls from the living room doorway.
“Yeet. That was quick.”
“It was pretty quiet,” Phil says. “You want snacks?”
“Stupid question,” Dan says, without taking his eyes off the screen. He’s playing Mario Kart – it’s one of those things the pair of them can ignore for months on end then just binge-play over a period of days. “If anyone blue shells me now – fuck -"
As if on cue, he gets blue shelled.
“Fucking bastard, I'll fucking – kick you in the fucking shin.”
“What're you gonna do, go back to Japan?”
“Just to find them and kick them in the shin? Yes.”
Dan's still focused on the screen, kart rocketing back into first place.
“Watch the oil!"
“Do not backseat drive, I will poke you in the head,” Dan says all in one breath, thumbs moving furiously. “Yes, yes! Oof. Take that, you blue shell bastard.”
Phil likes the way he says that – all flat vowels, the Northern way. They’ve been together for so long now it feels like their accents have merged, blurred into one voice.
“That was good,” Phil says, digging the packet of Doritos Dan wanted out of the shopping bag so he can take it over there. “You nearly didn’t win.”
“Take that blasphemy back right now,” Dan says, in mock horror, leaning his head back against the couch so he can look at Phil.
Phil drops the Doritos on the sofa next to Dan, reaching out to touch his hair where it’s smushed against the sofa cushions.
“D'you still want noodles for dinner? I got edamame.”
“Yes, you absolute mad lad. Any sweet chilli left?”
“I think so,” Phil says. He laughs when Dan smiles, all teeth. “You look so weird upside down.”
“Says you. Your nose looks like a hill from this angle.”
“Your nose looks like a sack of shit.”
“Touché,” Dan says. “Wanna play?”
“Maybe. I was gonna edit.”
“Edit here. Join me in the Mario Kart cave.”
“Alright,” Phil says. “I'd better put this stuff in the fridge.”
“Hey, hey,” Dan says, quickly, just as Phil's about to go and retrieve the shopping. “Kiss me before you go. For luck?”
“You literally just won a whole race with no kisses from me,” Phil says, but he’s already moving in close.
“You weren’t here. Needs must when I'm callously abandoned for edamame.”
“It was you who wanted them, not me,” Phil reminds him, and bends down to kiss him.
-
A while later, Phil slips his headphones off. Dan is at the other end of the sofa, hunched over the controller, eyes trained on the TV.
“We could try the dice,” Phil says.
“Ok, random,” Dan says, still playing. “Is this you admitting that you bought them on purpose, or...?”
“No, but – I mean, we have them now.” When Dan looks over at him for a second, he shrugs. “Might be fun.”
“Hmm.”
“I mean, if you don’t want to-"
“No, no,” Dan says, eyes still trained on the screen. Phil looks over too - he's in first, but another player's getting close. “If Rosalina gets any further up my literal asshole, I swear to God-"
“Oh my God,” Phil says, momentarily caught up in watching. “Dan, the corner-"
Dan makes this loud noise, half laugh and half high-pitched shriek.
“Fuck off fuck off fuck off,” He sing-songs, just as he crosses the line in first. “And he is victorious – reigning Mario Kart champion, Rosalina can suck my toe.” He looks over at Phil, arms raised in victory.
“I'm very proud of you,” Phil says, mock-serious.
“So you should be. I demand unlimited Ribena privileges for my win.”
“In your dreams,” Phil says, but he's thirsty so he ends up leaving his laptop on the coffee table and going to get them drinks.
“It's just,” Dan says when Phil edges back into the room, like they never stopped talking. “It feels like a straight person thing, you know. Like, oh, let's use these dice before we go back to the missionary position for the next hundred years.”
“Yeah,” Phil says. He can see that. He circles the sofa and Dan moves, setting out coasters for the glasses. “I just thought it'd be fun, that’s all.”
He sits down and Dan turns and looks at him, hugging a cushion to his chest.
“Ok,” He says. “After dinner?”
“Not if you don’t want to-"
“God, Phil, it’s hardly, like, vore,” Dan says. Then he narrows his eyes. “Is there something you're not telling me? Are there weird kinks on the dice?”
“No, oh my God,” Phil says. “Why would I – it’s just regular stuff.”
“Ok,” Dan says. “After dinner, then. Now do a best of three with me, you've been editing for ages.”
Making a show of rolling his eyes, Phil agrees.
-
“Well, this is off to a great start,” Dan says, deadpan.
Lick my, says the first dice. Clit, says the second. In the kitchen.
They look at each other for a moment across the table then burst out laughing.
“In the kitchen?” Dan says. “God, these dice makers have never met you. Imagine trying to fuck in the kitchen and just banging your head against one of the many cupboard doors you always leave open-"
“Shut up,” Phil says, still laughing.
“We don’t even have all the equipment for this one.”
“We could just pretend it said dick?”
“But it didn’t,” Dan says, solemnly. His eyes are sparkling. “Are you really gonna violate the sanctity of the dice?”
Phil flips him off.
“Just roll again.”
Dan snatches up the dice and makes a big show of rolling them around in his cupped hands.
“Alright, Mr I went to Vegas once,” Phil says, when he lets them go with a flourish.
Rub my leg on the floor, this roll says.
“Oh my God.”
“God, Phil, please don’t. I have such sensitive knees,” Dan says, then dissolves into laughter again.
Phil throws one of the dice at him.
“You did that on purpose.”
“I don’t control the dice, Phil,” Dan says, throwing the dice back. It hits Phil's shoulder and skitters off by the sofa.
“It landed on dick!”
“Too vague,” Dan says, holding his hand out for the dice. Phil shuffles over and hands it to him. “Dick could just be a guy called Richard, how do we know?”
He's shaking the dice in his hands again, unbearably smug smile on his face.
Stroke my mouth in the bedroom, the next roll says.
Dan waggles his eyebrows, grinning like an idiot.
“This is really too much, I am so turned on right now. Stroke my mouth, Phil.”
Phil snatches up the dice and throws them over his shoulder, not caring where they land. He moves in close to Dan, who wets his dry lips and touches Phil's shoulder.
“Look at that,” Phil says. “It said I should touch your dick in the living room.”
And he does, through Dan's faded old shorts. Dan exhales all in one go, tilting his hips up into Phil's touch.
“Ok, but you’re doing the laundry afterwards,” He says, pulling Phil in for a kiss.
-
“Sorry about the dice,” Dan says, much later. Phil’s dozing, face pressed into Dan's shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin.
“God, don’t be. They were awful.”
“Definitely for straight people.”
“Definitely,” Phil agrees, sleepily. Dan kisses his forehead. “Stupid idea, anyway."
"Mm?"
"They’re made for people who're like. Bored with their partners. Could never be bored with you.”
“I am pretty great at sucking dick,” Dan says, snickering.
“Shut up,” Phil says, and squirms around so he can kiss him, soft and lazy. “Love you.”
“You're still doing the laundry,” Dan reminds him.
The way he kisses him afterwards, the pair of them smiling into each other’s mouths, says I love you too.