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Kameron was completely oblivious, and Vanjie couldn’t see how that was even possible. He thought by now Kameron would have seen how much he flirted with him and how he scoffed at any boy he’d ever bring up. He thought he was making himself clear, but Kameron was either ignoring that or he was actually that oblivious to the entire situation. It was frustrating, especially considering Kam’s dating history. She always picked up on the hints random dudes dropped at bars and even at the gym, what made Vanjie’s approach any different? Was he somehow doing it wrong? If he wasn’t interested he would have told him by now, right?
“Hey baby!” Kameron exclaimed, walking up to his roommate who sat on the couch. Vanjie whips his head around at the pet name, just to see it wasn’t for him. He was on the phone with another “baby” of his. It made Vanjie cringe. That should be him! Why couldn’t that be him? Kameron walks past, running his hand across the shorter man’s shoulders and back as he goes by, listening intently to the person on the phone. Vanjie enjoyed the touch while it lasted, but Kameron's hand left his body as quick as it came. He didn't really pay attention to the conversation, but he kept his eyes on him when he moved into the kitchen. 'How can he be so focused on that trade when he walks 'round touchin' me like that?' He thought, taking a sip from his water bottle. He sighs and turns back around, training his eyes on the tv instead of the man who’d just left the room. He shakes his head in annoyance before reaching for the remote and flipping through the channels. He tried to block Kameron out of his mind by finding some entertainment to distract him, but everything that was on tv was taunting him. From Love Actually playing on channel 86 to Valentine’s Day having just started on channel 534. It’s like everyone knew about his feelings besides the one person he wanted to know. He huffs loudly in complaint before turning the tv off and stompping to his bedroom.
Kameron peeks his head out from the kitchen, trying to see what all the ruckus was about. All he saw was an angry Vanjie before the slam of a door rang through the apartment. ‘What’s up with him?’ He thought. His phone call had long since ended and he was in the kitchen making the two of them drinks so he could hang out with his roommate, but turns out that wasn’t going to happen. Kameron didn’t know what had Vanjie so upset lately, but he had a few guesses. One was that he had a lot of gigs recently and maybe he was stressed out and another was maybe he hasn’t been sleeping well. He wanted to help him unwind, hence the drinks, but looks like that wasn’t going to happen tonight. He just shrugs and finishes making the last drink. ‘More for me, I guess…’ He says to himself with a small sigh.
Kameron moves both the drinks into the living room, leaving one on the coffee table in case Vanjie decides to reemerge from his bedroom. He turns the tv on and switches it to netflix, picking out one of the newly released movies and relaxing into the recliner. The movie playing was more of background noise to him because he couldn’t hear it over the incoherent noise of Vanjie’s shuffling around and mumbling through the walls. Kameron couldn’t make out any of the words but he could definitely tell they weren’t happy. He didn’t really know what to do about it though. He’s been ignoring it thus far just because he doesn’t really know what to do. All of America could tell you that Kameron Michaels wasn’t good at confrontation, and this was a prime example of that. It didn’t help that whatever was going on with him was something Vanjie decided to keep private. He never vented to him or even referenced what was wrong. He just went on like everything was normal around Kameron, even though both sides knew that there was something wrong. It was frustrating not knowing what to do. Vanjie obviously didn’t want Kameron to know. If he had, he would have told him by now. So if Vanjie didn’t want him to know, he couldn’t help him even if he wanted to. Still, it wasn’t like him to keep problems to himself. Before all this started he would come home from gigs and interviews telling him every detail of what happened and what beef he got into. That fact on top of everything made him even more concerned.
The noise died down after a while, but Kameron couldn’t focus now even if he tried. He decides to just turn off the tv and finish his drink. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, seeing that Eureka had text him. He asked if he was sure about staying in tonight after he'd just turned him down not even 20 minutes ago on the phone. Kam twists his lips into a pucker as he contemplates what to do. He obviously wasn't going to be hanging out with Vanjie like he had previously planned to and all that awaited him was a silent night inside with nothing to do but maybe listen to Vanjie play music through the thin walls of their apartment. Seeing his options, he quickly texts back, telling his friend he would be ready in 10 minutes. He hops up from his chair, downing his drink before taking the one he made for Vanjie into the kitchen, placing it on the top shelf in the fridge.
Within 15 minutes, Eureka arrives at their apartment complex to pick up the fellow queen. Did Kameron feel bad leaving knowing that Vanjie was wallowing alone upstairs? Yes, but he kept reminding himself that when Vanjie was ready, he would come to him. Until then, he shouldn’t bum himself out in waiting.
___
From upstairs, he heard Kameron calling out to who he’s assuming is the bootycall he had on the phone earlier. His blood boiled hearing how excited he was to see them. That should be him. That thought usually passed through his mind every time a new boy entered Kameron’s life. It should be him taking him out and it should be him getting called baby and it should be him that belongs to Kameron. It made him feel insecure almost. He felt like everyone else but him was Kameron’s type. He even heard a rumor that he went on a date with Asia after filming an episode of Can Do Queens and they never had that sort of chemistry! But it wasn't like he could say that him and Kameron had chemistry either. He was wearing the rose colored glasses of love; none of his judgement on their compatibility was without bias.
"God-fucking-damnit!" He half yelled, pushing his face into his pillow. He hated his jealousy sometimes. 'It's not like he's even yours' he tells himself, but that didn't make him feel any better. It only amplified it really. Kameron was out having fun with a boy who cared about him in one way or another, while he sat at home wallowing in his own jealousy. It sucked. It sucked because if Vanjie wanted literally anyone else, he would have them. Vanjie could have literally anyone he wanted…. except Kameron.
"This is so stupid…" He rolls his eyes and pushes himself up, now sitting at the edge of his bed. His legs swung for a few moments before he hopped down and shuffled out of his room. "I can't spend the whole fuckin' night thinkin' about a damn boy." He complained to his own brain as he headed into the kitchen. His hand instinctively reaches for the fridge door. He opens it to not much sitting in here besides some leftover takeout and a neatly placed glass with a cocktail in it. 'It must have been Kameron's' He thought as he took it from the fridge and began gulping it down, slamming the glass down on the counter so hard it almost broke when he was done with it. "Well if that boy knows one thing, it's how to make a fuckin' cocktail." He comments as he reaches in the fridge to get more booze. He pulls out a six pack of beers, taking two in each hand before moving his party for one into the living room. By now it was around 10pm, and he knew he would get a noise complaint if he put his speakers on, so he popped open his Spotify and left the music on the coffee table for him to listen to.
The drinks disappeared quickly but his loneliness didn't. By the time he got to his fourth beer he was close to tears watching The Notebook. He wanted Kameron to come home so bad right now. His drunken mind missed being in his presence, which he had only now realized how much he'd been avoiding these past few weeks. He missed when they would have movie marathons and would chase each other around the house when the other stole their wigs. He missed all the things they did together before he realized how hopelessly in love with him he was. Now they were like strangers, and it fucking kill him. The only sense of a relationship he got from Kameron anymore was the passing touches. He’d stupidly eat it up as love whenever he’d touch him passing, but did he ever even love him? In Vanjie’s drunken state, he would say no. How could it be love if he was always with everyone but him? Vanjie was either at work or at home, but Kameron was everywhere but here with him. The fact made his welling tears fall from their barricades to cascade onto his face. Everyone else loved him, why couldn’t Kameron?
Almost as if right on cue, his phone dings from the coffee table, revealing that the same man he’s had on his mind for months now had just text him. Even in his drunken anger at him, he picked up the phone as quickly as the message was delivered.
Kam: why r you mad at me i miss you :(
Vanjie scratches his head at the message. It was creepy how he could have possibly known that he was mad at him right now, but on second thought, maybe it was just a coincidence and maybe he was referring to something else. He almost responded with a long winded paragraph about how he wished he loved him and how much of a dick he was for getting so distant, but instead he just threw the phone across the room and huddled himself in the corner of the couch.
___
Kameron sat at the bar with his head in his hands. By now, he’d lost Eureka to a boy who was obviously talking to him just because of his “celebrity” status. He’d drank too much, he knew that. He could tell by the fact that when he tried to stand about 5 minutes ago, he fell right back down into his chair. His head felt as heavy as his body though-wise. His guilt from leaving Vanjie evolved drink after drink until he couldn’t stop thinking about how he must hate him. He wasn’t even sure what he did to make him hate him, but his mind convinced him that must be the reason why he was so distant. He couldn’t figure out why else he wouldn’t pay any mind to him, even when he touched him to grab his attention. He missed what they had when they first became friends, but now his emotions about the man confused him. He couldn’t tell if he missed their friendship or wanted to transform their relationship into something completely different. He’d never really been in love for real. It was always boys he talked to and that he liked, but he wasn’t even sure what love felt like. All he knew was that Vanjie was different to all his other friends. Maybe it was the appeal of the distance that made him want to be in his presence more. You know what they say, you always want what you can’t have. But the only thing he couldn’t deny was the energy that surrounded them when they were at home. It was tense and almost suffocating to be in the same room as him sometimes because while Kameron thought he was pushing for attention, Vanjie kept pulling away. By now he didn’t even know what to do about their relationship, and it made him more frustrated as the drinks kept coming.
He’s barely thinking when he texts Vanjie. Hell, he was barely sober enough to see the keyboard. He types out his short message and hits send while downing the rest of his cocktail. He watches his phone for a response, each moment without one he got more and more hopeless. He saw that he read it; what kind of asshole leaves someone on read? ‘Who the hell does he think he is?’ He thinks, feeling his lip tremble. He didn’t want to let himself cry, not here at least, so he picks up his phone and jacket and heads out of the bar, leaving his friend behind inside. He could text him that he went home later, for now he was more focused on getting home and away from the public. He wanted to cry so bad, but he would hate it if someone caught him crying on camera for all of social media to see and laugh at him for.
He begins to walk; his drunk brain never even considering to call an uber. He didn’t live too far from the bar, only about a mile, which could’ve been worse, especially if he were in drag right now. He stumbled a few times and had to stop to sit on a bench twice just so he didn’t get a brain injury from falling into the street, but he eventually made it home. When he checks his phone for the time, it reads 1am. “Fuck.” He mutters under his breath, leaning his body against the door. One thing Vanjie hated was being woken up, so he made it a rule that Kameron couldn’t come home any later than 12:30am on non-work nights. Vanjie was going to tear him apart, he could already feel it. He unlocks the door, pushing open as slowly as he could to avoid any noise echoing throughout the apartment, but the old door wasn't on his side and let him know with a loud squeak. Kameron quietly cusses at the piece of wood, knowing how it was increasing his chances of being chewed out by his roommate.
As the drunk man progressed through the apartment, he was shocked that Vanjie wasn’t bursting out of his room to scold him for not being home on time. Instead he was on the couch, facing away from him. His body was misconstrued by the blanket that covered his body and head. He was considering silently heading to his room and not disturbing him to avoid any sort of punishment, but his curiosity got the best of him and he decided to question why he is awake at this hour.
“Hey, Vanj?” He greeted cautiously, walking a bit closer to the couch. The only response he got from him was a scoff. He furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms at the response. After him trying to make an effort into making conversation, he had the nerve to respond with a scoff? "God, why the fuck are you being so rude lately?” He snapped, his words still slurring from him being intoxicated.
“I’m being rude?” The latino man whipped his head around revealing his blood shot eyes and his knuckles that held so tightly to a beer bottle they’d turned white. “You’re the one that goes out every night to get trade and then not talk to me on the rare occasion you’re actually home.” He spat. His heart was racing from about three things: The fact he was on the brink of being black out drunk, the fact that Kameron was actually talking to him for once, and the topic that had officially come up after all this time. It would have been more exciting if he wasn’t so fuming right now.
“Are you fucking serious right now?” Kameron asked, his voice was already escalating louder. He was an emotional drinker, and both parties knew he could burst into tears any second now, even if he was trying his best to keep his cool right now. It wasn’t working; anyone could see that.
“What the fuck do you mean if I’m serious? Of course I am! You don’t talk to me anymore! If you hate me just tell me so I can pack my shit and don’t lead me on like I’m another bozo on your fuckin’ bus.” Vanjie complained, ripping the blanket off his head and standing up, making sure to take one more swig of his beer before setting it down on the coffee table lazily. Kameron looked at the man with his lips pursed. He’d never been so offended in his life. How could he even say that Kameron was the one who hated him when Vanjie was the one being so cold. It’s not like he had put in any effort to salvaging anything, and sure, maybe Kameron should have tried harder with his approach, but at least he fucking tried! He couldn’t say the same about Vanjie.
“I’ve tried to get you to talk to me, but I left you to wallow in whatever pity you’ve been stuck in cause I didn’t wanna piss you off, but obvious you would have found a reason to be mad at me anyway !”
“I'm mad cause you'd rather be seeing trade instead of being home with me! It's me you should be seein', but instead you're out almost everyday bein' with everyone but me!" Vanjie exclaimed, this time finally raising her voice to Kameron's level. His face got red realizing he just half admitted his feelings.
"It's not like I'm your fucking boyfriend, Vanj! Even if I were seeing "trade" like you think I am, I'm fucking allowed to cause I don't belong to you!" He stomped forward to the shorter man and held an accusatory finger to his chest.
"Then who the fuck are you seein'?" The man asked, completely ignoring the rest of Kameron's statement. Kameron felt his blood boiling at this point. How could he be so much of a complete ass right now? Why the fuck should he care who he sees?
"Why the fuck should that be any of your business?" Kameron lowered his tone, turning around to walk away when he heard a Vanjie say something that made him stop right in his tracks.
"Cause I'm in love with you and you're too stupid to see it!" Vanjie spurted, instantly regretting it the second he said it. His whole body filled with guilt and remorse, especially seeing his response. Kameron's eyes welled with tears and his lip trembled. Vanjie is left slack jawed before he regained some sort of composure, rushing over to pull the now crying man into his arms. He barely got his arms around him when he stumbles backwards and falls onto the loveseat from the force of Kameron's push. Kameron stared as he fell, feeling his heart churn in two ways. On one hand, he felt some sort of relief that Vanjie had feelings for him as well, but on the other hand, the one that supposedly loves him just called him stupid. Not a good thing to say to someone under the influence.
"You think I'm stupid?" He asked, now sobbing pretty aggressively. Vanjie shook his head and sat up, now trying to hold back his own tears.
"You know I didn't mean it like that-"
"Well you know what? I think you're the dumbass here!" Kameron interrupted, pointing another accusatory finger in his direction. "I think you acting like you hated me instead of just telling me how you feel is the stupidest fucking thing you've ever done! Maybe if you'd told me I would be here with you every night and I wouldn't be going around for months wondering why you hate me!" He choked out before shrinking down to his knees, now crying into his hands. Vanjie didn't know what to do with himself, he just sat there in shock. He didn't even feel drunk anymore, he just felt sorry. The sound of both of them crying filled the room for a minute before Vanjie pushed himself off the loveseat and crawled over to the other crying man. He wraps his arms around him again, this time with no protest in return. Kameron simply sinks into his arms and grabs onto his shirt for the sense of some sort of stability. His whole body was shaking from a mix of anger, frustration, and tiredness.
"I'm so sorry." Was all Vanjie could think of to say before leaning down to plant a kiss on top of the other man's head. Kameron just nods, his crying slowly coming to a stop while he laid in his arms.
"This whole time I had feelings for you and I never ran away from them…" Kamerom stated, this time completely calm. He wasn't trying to fight, he was just stating the fact.
"Really?" Vanjie asked, genuinely shocked. Kameron nods, wiping away any excess tears from his face and sitting up. His hands supported his weight as he leaned on the floor. His body remained close to the other man's but they never touched. They just stared into each other's eyes, seeing how tired they both were.
"Yeah, but I never thought you'd like me like that so I never brought it up. But like all our friends know and they never let me forget it." He huffed, letting out a small chuckle and turning his gaze to the floor. Vanjie nods and thinks for a second before grabbing Kameron's face and pulling him in for a kiss. It wasn't rough or desperate the way he had imagined it would be after holding in these feelings for so long. It was gentle; almost impossibly so. The both of them sink into it and into each other, each person pulling their bodies closer until they met. Neither of them wanted to pull away and only did so when they needed air. Kameron leaned his forehead on Vanjie's, gently rubbing circles into the back of his neck.
"Maybe we should fight more often." Vanjie commented, earning a playful punch in the arm from Kameron. The other man rolls his eyes and sits back onto his knees.
"Fight me again and you will be packing your shit!" He laughed, tackling Vanjie into a hug. The two of them rolled around on the carpet until the rested beside the couch, Vanjie laying on top of the larger man comfortably and Kameron's arms wrapped around his waist.
"We really need to go to bed…" Vanjie yawned, letting his eyes fall shut as a content sigh escaped his lips.
"Let's just sleep here. I don't want to get up." Kameron answered lazily, barely being able to keep his eyes open at this point. Vanjie nods, allowing himself to loll off to sleep. Kameron wasn't too far behind and soon both of them were asleep, snoring lightly into each other's ears.