Archive of Our Own

The sun setting behind them would normally be reason enough for them to set up camp, with traps and protection, and maybe a bedroll if they felt tired enough. It would have been normal procedure to wait the night out, take guard shifts, and rest as much as possible. That’s, at least, what Shikamaru knew he should have suggested, and he knows that it’s too late to go back on it now.

“Shikamaru, I know you want to get home,” Neji said, a long distance between the two as Neji was following up the tail end of their two-person mission. “But it’s not worth wasting the time we could be resting right now. We should set up for the night.”

Shikamaru kept his pace in the trees, a cautious speed that didn’t suggest danger, but might have implied some urgency.  “It’s not about what I want, Neji, it’s about getting out of Mist lands.”

“We’ve been out for well over thirty minutes, Shikamaru.”

Shikamaru almost shook his head in defiance, quickly checking himself and remaining as collected as he wished he felt. He knew this information too, but he couldn’t stop. Not even to make an excuse that made sense.

“Shikamaru.”

Shikamaru was decidedly ignoring his companion, but even the act of avoidance and silence was enough to bring some pink to his ears. 

He doesn’t know why he had to be paired up with the Hyuuga, and up until now he was certain he would be able to handle it. To deal.

Deal? Deal with what? Keep your head on mission. 

To ignore Neji, and all the associated and ridiculous feelings that come with not ignoring him. The silence between them used to be easy -- maybe Neji used to be stuck up and very much the picture perfect image of a cold-hearted Hyuuga, but since the tides shifted and they’ve taken on Shinobi duties together, that impression of a distant and unbothered Neji faded into the past like leaves to the wind.

Maybe it’s harder to ignore him now. Maybe it’s been a horrifying process to realize how seamlessly he went from distant, methodical team-mate to the person who he looks forward to talking with, and spending silence in with, and playing shogi with, and so, so much more --

“Shikamaru!” 

A hand came to tug on his shoulder, light and just to grab attention as they bounded across the tree tops.

Shikamaru blinked, eyes pulled to the present suddenly as Neji’s voice came in loud and strong and just beside him.

Shikamaru sighed, feet bracing for an immediate stop -- maybe it isn’t that hard to ignore him after all.

“What is wrong with you?” Neji said, voice raised, eyebrows furrowed and glaring. The look in his opal eyes was deep with frustration and patience as thin as cheese cloth. 

“If you could give me reasons, I could agree with you -- but we need to rest, and I don’t know why you’re so focused on getting home when we’re almost two days away.”

The pinch in Neji’s voice was restraint, was formality, and Shikamaru immediately hated the feeling of formal and distant and felt even more like an asshole. 

“Neji --” 

“This isn’t something I want to argue, and I can’t believe that of all people, I’d have to argue it with you.”

The authority seeping into his voice, into the resolve of his flattening eyebrows, was also something Shikamaru couldn’t stand. The way the tone of his voice became a barricade, a means to an end that said we’re stopping, and that’s it.

Huh, so you don’t like it when it happens to you? Man, what an idiot you are.

“Neji --”

“We’re in a safe spot. I’m going to set up our perimeter, I’ll leave the bedrolls to you.”

Before he gets the chance to say anything half-assed or under-explained, Neji turned his back and launched himself to the canopy above.

The mission did take a toll, and the sigh Shikamaru let out felt like a mountain resting on his back, an endless ache that required rest. 

Neji was above him, setting wires and incindiaries across the large, mossy branches. Shikamaru stretched his neck, sighed, and moved to the small clearing before he let himself stare.

~

The night fully settled over them like a cold blanket, restless with forest chatter and the faint stirrings of the nearby river. The large two roots they camped under were dry and a made for a good wall to keep their backs against. They even lucked out with how little bugs there seemed to be, but that’s what happens when autumn begins its descent into winter.

They were secured with a small concealed fire and one-more than necessary trap set in the surrounding leaf piles. The two of them were comfortable, hidden, sheltered from the winds, and in friendly territory -- the all but perfect shelter for a long rest.

Neji was sitting beside him to the left, three feet away on crossed legs, and the veins around his eyes were straining as he did another sweep of the surrounding woods.

Undeniably secure. 

None of it could explain any of the unrest in Shikamaru’s stomach.

This is a fucking pain-- why bother?

Taking a bite of a slightly stale bun, his stomach turned in a restless, nervous churn.

He’d take combat and enemies over whatever this any day.

Shikamaru knew he had to own up to his own behavior at some point -- it was clear as day how he was acting, and he felt stupid to act so thoughtlessly. And for so long, too -- his attitude has been bent like this for weeks, and all his talks with himself did nothing to straighten out whatever the hell it was that made him compelled to do it in the first place.

He felt stupid when he averted his gaze when Neji brought something to his attention. And it was petulant with how his sentences fell short and cropped and irritated whenever they had to speak in moments that lasted longer than a few sentences, however rarely they did that these days-- Neji was the one who always seemed to speak first, and the one whose words it usually ended on, too.

It’s been too many weeks of this , as though Neji was a bother and in his way and he somehow needed to make that explicitly clear – that he had to make the Hyuuga as uncomfortable as he was. It was probably the dumbest, meanest, most logic-lacking thing he’s done-- he knows all too well, and he sighs. 

Neji didn’t do anything to warrant such behavior, it was all personal in a way that Neji simply couldn’t have been aware of. It was all on Shikamaru, the haver of such feelings, not the object of those feelings for existing.

I’m an asshole. I need to apologize...

Neji hadn’t said a word since he last cleared their perimeter. His meal of fruits was already finished, and his flak jacket was still donned. Shikamaru spared another peek toward him, and realized that he was still using his Byakugan.

Shikamaru’s eyes snapped back to the area in front of him, back to scanning the white bread in his hands and the pathetically small bites that were too telling of his lost appetite. He softly squished it between his fingers, making it grow plump, before deciding that he wouldn’t be able to eat till his speaks.

“We’re clear,” Neji said at last, and Shikamaru could hear the ease return to his voice as his Byakugan finally gave way to a relaxed state. “I’ll check in again in an hour,”

“Sounds good…” And then a seconds pause before, “Thank you.”

The silence returned as soon as he broke it, and this time Shikamaru has to be the one to break it. It’s too dense, suddenly unfamiliar and distinctly wrong.

He set his bread to his right, and pulled his leg up to his chest. His flak jacket was at the end of his feet, laying across his bedroll haphazardly. Thinking twice on it, he used a foot to hook the arm hole and reeled it back in.

Fishing around in the inner pocket, he pulled out his pack of cigarettes. “I’m being a jackass.”

Neji hummed in response. It wasn’t a particularly cold tone he took, and that made the knots in Shikamaru’s stomach settle down.

A little bit, at least.

But still, Neji waited, still like a statue with all the patience in the world. Shikamaru couldn’t argue with it either when he had more to say and own up to.

Not everything, but…

“It’s been a tough… few weeks. I can’t say I’ve handled it well. I’ve been trying to handle it on my own, and I have been, but… that’s no reason to…. You know.”

It’s something, a good start -- but each word fell like lead weights into the air around them, losing pride for having to say them at all.

Neji sits still beside him, and Shikamaru lit his cigarette before continuing. 

“I’m surprised you’re not… yelling at me not to smoke. Telling me it’s gross and unhealthy, or that it’s offending your Hyuuga sensibilities.”

Neji moved to cross his legs, but remained silent despite the good-natured jab. His chakra is subdued, calm and unreadable, and it’s like talking to a wall -- brick and mortar and Hyuuga strength of will.

“It’s good we stopped though… I’ve probably slept 5 hours in total this week, I definitely was pushing too far…”

Shikamaru took another drag of his cigarette and watched the fire consume the end of it, a small interrupting of the smoke stack as it came to fill his lungs, to settle his nerves for a split second before he had to release it back out into the cold air.

It didn’t really occur to Shikamaru how taken he was with Neji till this moment -- not just the nerves that came with realizing he’s been too cold to him and needs to apologize, but the way he felt like he was balanced on a knife’s edge in anticipation of hearing anything from him, be it small talk or admonishment.

God, can’t he just say something? 

Shikamaru doesn’t want to look toward him, so he keeps his gaze toward the sky and the patches that peak through the clouds. The stars were brighter from the country side, but they were few and far between the heavy clouds and shedding tree branches.

“I don’t know how you Jonin do it, you know. Back to back missions, advanced training, missions to villages with pretentious, under qualified governors who think too highly of themselves… it’s worth it in the end but gods, look at the cost. I’m spent. Personally, I’m just mad I’m on my last two cigarettes.”

“You forgot something.”

Shikamaru’s ears started to burn, but he kept his tone. “Hmm? About what?”

Neji’s voice carried gently, neutral and hard to place in a way that gave away nothing. “About the missions, and what we have to deal with.”

Shikamaru chanced a cautious laugh, “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“You forgot the teammates that won't speak to you. I also consider that a pretty big… annoyance.”

Shikamaru held his breath around a lung full of smoke, a trail of heat starting to curve up his cheeks and sink into his stomach. It wasn’t the embarrassment, it was the shame of acting so profoundly idiotic that he could hear the disappointment behind Neji’s words.

It’s like going through that phase as a kid, when being mean was the way to say I like you , but running away was like the sign, the declaration, that might as well say I hate you and I do not think about you at all and I don’t want to get too close because what might happen?

 As an adult, that’s pretty hard to admit to.

“I didn’t mean to,” Shikamaru started, keeping his voice low. He tucked his knees into the cradle of his arm, bracing against the cold.

“You mean to tell me it wasn’t intentional?”

“I…” How do you lie about irrational, readable, stupid actions? Shikamaru is good at explaining, at thinking on the spot and it’s as easy as breathing to strategize the next 200, 300, 400 moves ahead - but when there’s no way around speaking without revealing, and now is not the time to reveal...

Shikamaru’s cigarette was burning down, and it ashed on his knees before he could stop it. “It’s not about that… I’ve just been, I don’t know, stuck in my head, and I’ve not been easy to talk to in general. I’m sorry that I’ve been a dick to you, though. It’s not what I want, and like I said, I’ve been too stuck in my head to really notice.”

“Hmm.”

“I’m sorry.”

Shikamaru peeked at Neji when nothing more came from his apology. Neji was, like him, leaned against the bark of the giant root they sheltered beside. His head laid against the root, hair pulled out of the way and over his left shoulder to keep it from the toughness of their makeshift shelter and as far away from bugs as could be. His head tilted back to lay against it in as restful a position he could probably find while keeping awake. 

He expected the Hyuuga to look watchful, yet he found that Neji’s eyes were closed in placid contemplation. They rested peacefully, without a furrow to be found on his soft features. The shadows cast from the nearly dead fire caught under his eyes, under his lips, the contours of his mouth coming alive with sharp full shapes taking form. The dull light illuminated in the most concealed way possible how his features were both sharp and distinctive, yet soft and touchable…

Shikamaru turned his eyes back to the fire, to the forest, knowing the train of thought he was on would derail too fast. They’d been sitting there long enough, and there was clearly no alternative on a mission other than to take the silences when they happened.

Why’d it have to be us? Naruto could have come on this mission… it could have been Ino…. Chouji… 

A couple more minutes passed, and Shikamaru was growing used to the sound of crumbling firewood. 

Finally, Neji said, “It’s okay.”

Shikamaru looked down, refusing to sigh in relief. “Thank you.”

“I still don’t quite understand.”

“What to you mean?”

“I still don’t understand why you’ve been making poor decisions. I’ve never seen that from you,” and his voice was way too stern, too intensely focused like the end of a needle. “I wouldn’t be thinking about this as much if it weren’t for you pushing on too far, lying about knowing we’re in the wrong territory, and ignoring procedure. That I don’t understand.”

Shikamaru opened his mouth, but Neji continued without more than a second’s pause. “And then when I hear that you were asking to be reassigned on this mission, that also doesn’t leave me feeling very convinced.”

Shikamaru fell silent, lips suddenly sealed together. The fire his eyes were so intently trained on was still too bright for his liking, and if they were to disappear all together, he might thank the universe for the small mercy of shadows.

“So before I feel… hurt, I think I’ll ask you first. Why?”

“Neji…”

Wow, you really set yourself up for failure, didn’t you?

“I was going to ask you when we got to Konoha, but since we’re already here.”

Shikamaru’s limbs turned stiff, his jaw taut with resistance -- but it was starting to leak from him, all that resistance and fighting and stupidity that he dug his feet into. He hoped that it would go away, that if time and distance gave him the opportunity, he’d find himself sorely mistaken and that all the little things he ignored about the way the other made his heart ache were like passing moments to be left behind.

They weren’t, and he hurt Neji in the process of uselessly trying to disprove himself. 

“I’m… damn it, yeah, fine,” Shikamaru started, letting the irritation in his voice leech out a bit. He reached for the pack of cigarettes beside him and took another fine stick to his lips. “You deserve an explanation, I know I’ve made this mission more difficult than it needs to be.”

Are you really going to do this? Even if he takes it well, Hyuuga’s have clan politics. Rules. Punishments.

Fuck it . “I… was trying to get a new partner for this mission.”

“I assumed, Shikamaru.”

“It wasn’t anything against you , it…” 

“But it was personal, right?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, I needed some distance…”

“Why didn’t you ask?”

Shikamaru stopped -- fingers cradling a lit cigarette, lips parted, and he felt like an idiot for probably the hundredth time that hour. 

“I would have given it to you.”

“I’m... would you believe me that it didn’t occur to me till just now?”

“Something heavy must be on your mind,” Neji laughed, and it was like music and all Shikamaru wanted was to hear it again and again. 

“You could say that, and I should have asked instead. I just needed space, but it wasn’t personal --”

“Do you think you can lie and I wouldn’t notice?”

“Okay, okay, fine -- it was personal, but it wasn’t personal. It’s not from a place of hate and it’s not that I want to do it, I just had to do it, and I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.”

“What’s so urgently on your mind, then?”

“Neji…”

“I can only assume it has to do with me.”

“It’s because I’m stupid… look, it’s not you, it’s everything else. I’m just being my normal, lazy self and what’s coming down the pike for me has me on edge… Asuma, family politics, Naruto running off every chance he gets and I’m left here wondering if he’ll return this time. Other things that I need to think through carefully...”

The silence between them grew, like the gaping chasms between continents; fast and swift and ringing like a strike to the ear. It’s not unusual, it’s not something’s Shikamaru isn’t used to -- but before, it used to feel like peace, instead of a prolonged heartbeat.

Neji shuffled, rattling the contents within his leg strap as he uncrossed his legs. Shikamaru craned his head to look at him, to see if there was any anger or frustration in him or, gods forbid, he finally pushed him far enough that he was drifting.

Neji reached over, shuffling to bridge some space between them, and without a word took the cigarette from Shikamaru’s lips. He ashed it in the patches of dirt between them, but took gentle care not to crush it. 

“It’s a bad habit,” he said, bringing his eyes to level with Shikamaru, leaning over the hand that supported him. He continued. “You win, Nara. I’ll give you some distance, and you’ll stop smoking a carton every two days.”

Shikamaru nodded, not finding it within himself to vocalize an answer, or deny the accusation of smoking so often.

Up close, the Jonin’s eyes glowed under the moon, and if he stayed staring like that any longer, Shikamaru knew he would have to do something . But instead, Neji didn’t say anything else, he just smiled and handed over the put-out cigarette. He returned to sitting, back up against their makeshift wall, and closed his eyes.

“Get some sleep, Nara. I’ll wake you in three hours.”

Shikamaru blinked, staring at Neji’s resting form, and decided quickly that maybe he should listen.

~

Their mission passed comfortably and quickly – it was weird, the way silences turned into even greater expanses, but it at least wasn’t awkward. Neji kept to himself, respecting the distance Shikamaru claimed to have needed.

No, it wasn’t a claim, he really did need the distance -- but even he saw the foolishness in thinking that that alone would be enough to curb the affection welling within him. No distance would be a cure for feelings, and the absence of his friend only seemed to prove to do the opposite.

Now the shadow-nin felt the distance and it was like a magnifying glass to the ways in which he would miss Neji: how each moment passed alone was somehow (and he had little idea when this started happening) less peaceful without Neji’s quiet, ever calm presence. And then Shogi, the way he missed being challenged, but also watching the concentration stir in the Hyuuga’s eyes as he looked for faults in Shikamaru’s strategy. He missed the random visits, the ones that didn’t even necessarily need shogi or drinking or a discussion of their shared shinobi duty.

But Shikamaru didn’t break, no matter the growing pang of regret for having created their divide -- he laid in bed and simply tried to find the best way to not experience whatever this was.

The window was open, and he laid atop the bedding with his hands behind his head. The breeze was cold, but not enough to bring Shikamaru from his endless train of thought, and the many detours it ended up on.

It wasn’t even about him . It was about Neji. 

The goal is to return to normal. 

To be able to look him in the eye, to be able to stop yearning --

Who said anything about yearning?

But then again, what else do you call it when your heart cannot stop beating to the thought of finally seeing him ?

What is it when you would defend someone to the death?

~

Once, Neji beat him at Shogi. And then they played a game of Go, and he beat him there too. It never happened again, but Shikamaru would never admit to, for the first time in his life, being too distracted.

It didn’t happen again. He didn’t let it.

~

Some days, Neji comes over just to... come over. There’s no preamble, no mission-related duty or off-the clock work, and most of the time, it was un-announced. Neji would appear at their front door, knocking for posterities sake, but he also appears at his window, or seeks him out in the many acres of Nara land. Shikamaru used to ask why, but the answer was always vague or some form of dodging, and it didn’t take long for Shikamaru to learn to stop asking. 

“I was in the area.”

“If you didn’t want me over…”

“I’m hiding from Naruto, he has a bet with Kiba...”

Neji didn’t make it a secret that he preferred not to be at the estate, and Shikamaru didn’t blame him. Ever since the Chunin exam, Shikamaru grew more and more aware of the things that happen behind closed doors, and how it’s not always something that could be fixed.

Sometimes, fixing it just meant being away from it, or maybe just being with someone who you didn’t hate. And always, he chose to be here. Whether in silence, or in training, or over a game of shogi, but always -- usually -- here.

Shikamaru didn’t think about it too much.

~

Neji returned from practice with his team one hot summer day, and as a treat Gai had offered to buy them ramen. Ichiraku is easily the most popular spot to eat ramen in the day time, especially for Jonin with kids who didn’t exactly know how costly it is to feed a team of growing, exhausted teenagers. 

Shikamaru was eating, alone, with a book on wild life resting to his left. Gai came in unceremoneously, followed by Lee, Tenten, and Neji in tote.

Shikamaru didn’t expect, when he turned around to offer a lazy greeting, for Neji to look…

Shikamaru’s eyes shifted downward and to the pavement fast .

Neji’s hair was braided, and expertly so. All of his long, coffee colored hair was gathered into one long, thick braid that draped over his left shoulder. His hair was so healthy, and so soft looking, Shikamaru couldn’t help but want to touch.

“Good afternoon, Shikamaru,” Neji said, a strong hint of annoyance trapped in his voice -- clearly, though, it was from the way Lee was wrapped around his shoulders that made him look like he wanted to drop dead.

“Shikamaru! Could you be so kind as to help settle a disagreement for us?”

Shikamaru glanced up, feeling the heat of a blush creep up his neck, and tried to avoid direct eye contact. “Ummm…. Sure, I guess.”

Why are you acting so weird? What the fuck? 

Gai, after having ordered his fill, turned toward his group and beamed, the way he always did when he looked at the kids in his care. Shikamaru always thought that he looked like a loving mother hen, and couldn’t help but gaze at his chicks with the utmost affection. “Debate? What possible debate! It’s a look that will stun, turn heads, and absolutely --”

“Stop!” Neji said, a blush fiercely taking over his face as well. He looked off to the side, resigned to the brotherly arm Lee slung around him but, apparently, not to looking like he was comfortable with it. “Clearly, this was a mistake.”

“Neji! You can’t help that people will compliment you,” Tenten added, sitting beside Gai and smirking with mirth. She glowed with the energy of one who was getting exactly what she wanted, then some. “It’s a good look!”

“You also cannot deny that it was a positive action that greatly reduced your heat-exhaustion!” Lee added, raising a finger matter-of-factly. “I was worried the sun might have harmed you if you had not let me braid it, and now it has resulted in another great discovery: you should wear your hair braided more often!”

“I’m sorry, but what disagreement am I supposed to be weighing in on?” Shikamaru said, unsure if he really wanted to get involved. But since Neji looked just as, or maybe even more flushed, and quite preoccupied with avoiding attention, Shikamaru felt a little more at ease to look at the embarrassed Hyuuga. No one would blame him if for a glance.

He’s…

“You don’t need to weigh in on anything,” Neji said, peeling away from Lee and choosing to sit as far away from him as possible -- just to the right of Shikamaru.

“Oh, come on Neji! Partake in some of our joy! Allow yourself to bask in your youth and the perks it brings you!”

“Just because you braid my hair, you think we need to draw more attention?”

Gai, Lee, and Tenten all said, in seemingly premeditated unison, “Yes!”

Beside Neji, Tenten giggled, nudging him with her elbow before turning to lean on the counter. “Anyway, we all think he looks great with his hair like this, and he disagrees.”

Gai, sat beside her, nodded solemnly. “If only he could trust us!”

Lee, on the other side of Gai, simply nodded in agreement.

Shikamaru sighed -- this entire ordeal, the loudness, the grandeur, was so needless and dramatic that it might be seen as slapstick if an observer would waste their time viewing it.

However…

“What’s the point, though? Why do you care if he agrees?” Shikamaru said, avoiding looking outright. He settled on picking up his chopsticks and looking down the counter with a glance. 

Lee laughed. “It is not about agreeing! He simply does not believe that it flatters him, and we insist it does! So, what do you think?”

Shikamaru could have said he disagreed. He could have had an easy out with a simple ‘no’. It could have all been ended if he, the newly decided decision maker, decided that it was not a good look.

Normally, Shikamaru would have done just that. Not a single part of him understands why he didn’t.

“Well… I guess, since I have to. Neji,” and he looked toward the Hyuuga, turning his stool in order to face the still-blushing ninja. 

Neji stole a sidelong glance toward Shikamaru and didn’t know what to say, so Shikamaru said, “Face me so I can get a look.”

Like gritting teeth, without so much as a word, Neji turned to face him, in the most slow, resisting way possible. He looked off toward the street, idling his eyes in the distance shakily, and Shikamaru could see his levels of embarrassment climb by the second. His skin was too pale to mask frustrations, and as such, his normally dead-cold cheeks and nose were brushed with a dusting of pink.

“If you’re just here to mock me, just say yes,” Neji said, voice low and quiet -- only for Shikamaru’s ears. “This is stupid.”

Shikamaru smiled. “Hmm.”

His hair was nice. The person in front of him was also nice, and really any hair style would also be nice.

Nice . That’s what he looked like.

“Let up, Hyuuga, I’m not here to mock you. It’s up to you if you want your hair like this, but it doesn’t look half bad.”

Neji raised his eyes and made eye contact for the first time during this pointless ordeal, and reserved isn’t a word often used to describe him, yet it was the perfect one in that moment.

Shikamaru smiled. “Sorry, Hyuuga, but it works. Whether or not you keep it, that’s up to you.”

Despite his annoyance, Neji smiled.

Gai and Lee were by far the loudest supporters of Shikamaru’s decision, and once their ramen’s were delivered, they all settled down for a lunch shared in silence. 

~

Sometimes, Neji makes no sense. Shikamaru knows him well, and yet, occasionally, he’ll make a request, or say something quiet and reflective, and Shikamaru never is able to predict what it will be, or when it will happen.

It’s on a hot summer night that Neji asks, “take me to your favorite spot.”

They’re sitting in the book of the archive room, overlooking historical accounts of the rise of the south Suna. He looks up and across the table to the Hyuuga, thouhgts suddenly diverted from his reading material. “Huh?”

Neji’s eyes were still gliding over the page of his book. “For sky gazing.”

“You want to look at the sky?”

With me?

Neji glanced up, then down to his turning page. “Yes. I’d like to meditate somewhere besides the estate.”

After their studies and research were done for the night, Shikamaru brought him to a field outside the Nara lands, and showed him the concave of the root of a large tree. The base of the tree was green grass, and the ground was curved as though it was only meant to be laid in.

Neji quickly looked over the little sitting spot before him, and before Shikamaru could say anything, he sat in the soft grass at the base. Shikamaru, as surprised as he was, sat beside him.

They gazed into the sky in quiet companionship, one in meditation and one with quickening heart.

~

He doesn’t say it out loud, because whining about important things isn’t Shikamaru’s speed, but he enjoys the nights with Neji more than he does those without him. He’d rather whine about things bothering him and the mundane details that become part of the daily routine of shinobi life, but never anything actually  important.

That’s why, no matter what, he won’t say he misses a certain Hyuuga, and that the clouds don’t quite feel the same without him.

~

Hyuuga’s are like cats -- they’re temperamental, strike out with provocation, and they don’t easily open up.

Once they do, however, they’re impossible to shake. They’ll be there , and you’ll be hard pressed not to have them in your space, or attending events with you, or even spending evenings alone with nothing but a bottle of Sake.

Neji doesn’t hold his liquor well, and that’s why they were drinking at Shikamaru’s house, because if anything were to happen, no one would be the wiser, and the Hyuuga name wouldn’t come to be sullied.

Shikamaru went from trying to help Neji stand, to being pulled down to his level in an instant. And in just as quick a moment, he was asleep, shoulders cradled in the safe arms of Shikamaru, hair tangling and head leaning into the space Shikamaru’s neck provided.

Neji…

He thanked the gods that Neji was asleep, unable to hear the sound of his heart hammer in his ribs like a restless canary.

Shikamaru let him rest for a moment, feeling a little too proud that he’d be allowed to be this close, and this responsible, and this intimate...

Neji’s breath was soft, and gentle, and when Shikamaru moved to shift them so that he could also be sitting, he moaned softly.

Shikamaru swallowed, mind blanking at the sound.

God damn it...

Shikamaru ended up tucking him into a spare futon beside his own bed, and wrote off the giddiness and overwhelming heat to the sake.

~

Shikamaru hated avoiding Neji, but it was necessary... He needed his head cleared, he needed to have clarity and a sense of stability, and none of that could be accomplished if he could look up and lose his senses simply by just seeing him. He couldn’t be wasting his time or energy thinking and pondering and missing someone, especially if it was interfering with his shinobi duty.

 Somehow, his memories and overthinking of the other were only amplified, like his absence made an echo chamber that he could do nothing but throw memories and voices and yearning thoughts into.

As it turned out, he was missing Neji twice as much.

~

Lonely was never a word Shikamaru used. It didn’t make sense, and he always had his friends, and if he didn’t have his friends, he had his teammates. And if he didn’t have them, then he he at least had himself.

Maybe it’s a smart tactic – it’s easier to be a shinobi if he has less to care about, and god knows the world is getting worse, that it’s a blessing not to have people to miss.

But he never thought how much loving something might make the world more worth fighting for – and yes he has his friends and family, but it seems to be so different than… whatever this is. Whatever this feeling was that broke the reality of what love means to him.

And then suddenly, he started to feel pretty fucking lonely.

~

( I love my family, I love my friends, I love my team mates.

But were I to be in love…

how do I do that?)

~

Shikamaru was starting to put it all together around two weeks later, after Neji had given him his privacy. The thing his distance was supposed to do definitely didn’t happen, and instead he discovered that his heart was not something he could outrun.

When Shikamaru came back from a solo mission after a week of desk duty, Neji was waiting for him, and it all clicked into place. The little doubt left in his mind disappeared, and he felt stupid for fighting it at all.

H uh, so that’s how it is, isn’t it?

There was a lot beneath the surface, and he simply refused to touch it -- skimming the surface and panicking against the current was as far as he got, and now, seeing a familiar silhouette…

It was like forgetting to test the waters and just diving . Ignoring the voice in his head that suggested a thousand what ifs , ignoring the uncertainty of never having being in love, and realizes that he has never been more wrong.

It’s been love , and it’s been for years , and Shikamaru pales at how fast it enters his mind.

Neji was waiting for him, in front of his home, balanced on a stool with his long legs careening off to the sides. He chose to be here .

He always does, you idiot. Always.

Neji was here. Not waiting at the mission desk, not at the gates, but here, at home, and waiting for him. With the sun beating down in a striking display of summer in the fading autumn, peaking at the highest point above them that left nothing to shadows. Neji was waiting under it’s crest, probably hot and uncomfortable, even if the autumn breeze carried through the trees.

Shikamaru might have been tired, but everything within him stood at full alert at the sight of Neji sitting at his front door.

He wasn’t wearing his jacket, and his hair was loose and falling beautifully over his shoulders… not tied, not perfectly, intentionally laid on his back, not braided, but allowed to drape and cascade. He had a black sweater on, layered with a visible white undershirt that peaked out from under.

Shikamaru paid a lot more attention to his appearance, and he can’t compare it to anything else he’s experienced – he’s never noticed clothing and appearance in a way that wasn’t practical, functional – and when he finally reached his door, he couldn’t help but sink into that pathetic realization of being in love, because Neji looks so beautiful.

He sunk, and every feeling and memory of something intimate and friendly filled his mind, like the waves an ocean seconds before it crashes down on the mainland. Neji looked up with him, and it’s the same eyes he’s been seeing for years -- the ones he’s shied away from, sought, yearned for all at once – the ones like a blinding, white hot star, with all the gravity in the world to pull him in and destroy him.

It clicked, the way a puzzle piece snaps into its final resting spot. 

Neji smiled against the sun, squinting a bit in the golden highlight. “Welcome home.”

Maybe he’s always been a little love. 

That, however, isn’t what he said, though gods knows he wanted to say it. “What are you doing? It’s too hot to wear a sweater.”

Neji’s polite, small smile spread and it was like sunshine --

Since when has he been so… stunning?

Looking up at him from the stool he rested on, Shikamaru’s scanning gaze noted the small, brown cotton bag that was at his feet. “It’s almost winter, Shikamaru. Just because the sun’s out, it doesn’t make it hot .”

“I guess. It’s still warm.”

“It was kind of you to make it back on time, for once. I would have been waiting here for a while.”

Shikamaru finally let himself smile, though it felt small and reserved. Yes, he needed a shower. There’s dirt embedded into his pants, and he got rained out two days ago without proper clothes to bring back. His hair was in knots and forced into a pony tail, and he was sure that he looked like exhausted shit -- yet he could have stayed here all day, if it meant talking to Neji.

Man, you’re fucked. Truly, completely, all encompasingly fucked.

“Why are you waiting for me?”

Neji stood, bringing them eye level and entirely too close, and Shikamaru felt dizzy from the prospect of close , and then other words that took shape like intimate and pretty   and you’re so fucking beautiful and you’re doing nothing -- 

“I have food.”

Shikamaru’s cheeks reddened immediately.

“That is, if you don’t need any more distance.”

He felt like he was on fire. What an idiot I’ve been . 

“I… of course you can-- no, I don't. I’m sorry about --”

“Don’t worry. Just,” and his eyes dropped, then came up in a slow, surveying glance that left Shikamaru’s nerves on fire. “Just get comfortable, and I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Shikamaru didn’t argue, he just felt grateful that Neji didn’t press any further. Besides, he was hungry, and he should probably eat something before he passes out for however many hours, or days.

Neji picked up the bag at his feet and followed Shikamaru in.

~

Though he intended to be fast, the water soon ran cold and he realized that he was in the shower for over half an hour. Gods knows it was necessary, but he cringed at the idea of Neji waiting in the kitchen for him.

Shikamaru’s hair was wrung well, but it stayed wet for a number of hours. He would normally let it dry down and combed,  but he pulled it up into a wet ponytail before making his way down stairs, absent-mindedly tossing on a light sweater and sweatpants.

The smell of simmering meats and spices was strong, and Neji turned his head slightly to greet Shikamaru as he rounded the corner.

The kitchen was, as to be expected, clean, with a variety of dishes and prepared vegetables laid out on the countertops. The Hyuuga wore his mom’s apron, a little red one with no special decorations other than old broth stains, hanging from his thin hips.

“Take a seat, I’m almost done... I had most of the prepped food ready before I got here.”

Everything about this… it was so bizarre. He didn’t know whether to smile and appreciate it, or caution asking if there was something wrong. Was someone dying, or were they entering a war, did the Hokage die?

Maybe he...

Neji squinted. “Nara, I swear… just sit down, don’t look so paranoid.”

Shikamaru shook his head, blinking away the sheer confusion and the way he liked seeing him in his home, making him lunch. “I’m… okay, yes, I will. ”

He moved to take a seat at the table, an awkwardness settling in as he realized that the guest in his home was preparing a meal for him . “I’m just a little puzzled, that’s all. Why the meal? Why all…” And he gestured around to the counter tops, all covered in little bowls of sauce and cut onions and a variety of different toppings for the rice and soup and meat.

“I know it’s not traditional and I don’t normally welcome you back from missions, but I thought maybe I should. I’m not always in Konoha when you return, so now’s a good time to start… since I can.”

“But… why?”

“You’re sounding like you don’t want me here,” he laughed. “It’s something I wanted and chose to do.”

“I just mean, there’s always a reason.”

“Then call it a gesture.”

Shikamaru sighed, and resigned to lounging in his seat as he watched Neji cook. 

Since he was being honest, and finally resigned himself to the fact that his feelings were there for the long haul, he could admit that Neji was beautiful.

The entire village knew it, but at least now he could think it, and admit that he was thinking it. Neji, with his long hair, and his pride, and his ability to set off every single neuron in his brain with just a smile or act of intimacy, like cooking… 

“You’re being particularly quiet today,” Neji offered, broad shoulders to Shikamaru. He was cutting up some sort of vegetable, and the little click of the blade against the wood board lightly punctuated his observation.

“Sorry, it was just a long mission,” Shikamaru said, eyes still on Neji, a tint of heat across his cheeks as he skimmed the surface of his strong shoulders. “I wouldn’t say the Suna is the most forgiving landscape I’ve been in.”

Neji hummed, still chopping. “Did you get hurt?”

“Nah, it was too clumsy an organization to deal any real damage. There were even hostages, and everyone came home pretty fast despite how many guards they had. Gaara was thankful his men didn’t have to go in, otherwise… well the hostages probably wouldn’t have made it out.”

“Hmm. It was more action than talking, I take it?”

“Yeah… we got briefed and that was it.”

“Easy.”

“Very. Just long.”

“Mm… Shikamaru?”

Chop, chop, chop - the sound of onions and -- r adish? daikon? -- becoming minced and soup ready.

“Yes?”

“I was wondering if you got more time to think. You know, what you needed time to think about last time we talked.”

Shikamaru looked away, taking to memorizing the cover of a book laid out on the dinner table. “Maybe.”

“And you’re talking to me again.”

“Yeah…”

“I guess, since you had time to think, and you’re talking to me again, then you don’t need any more distance?”

“Sure…”

“Care to tell me why, then?”

“I…”

Shikamaru was overcomplicating things, and he knew it. It’s pretty dumb, after all, to let a crush ruin everything.

It’s pretty dumb to feel dumb for saying it out loud.

“It’s so stupid,” Shikamaru started, glancing to the side. “I was taking my time, but I never know when the right time is.”

“Is it possible that, maybe,” and Neji turned around, smiling small and knowingly, cocking his head to the side. “You’re thinking too much?”

Shikamaru laughed, a deep sense of stupidity rising from his chest because no shit . “What can I say, it’s what I do.”

Neji rolled his eyes, toweling off his hands. 

Their kitchen was small -- it was enough for a family, but with the two of them, it felt like it shrunk to half the size and the only thing that was in it was Neji, and Shikamaru with his stupid little brain and his stupid overreactions. Neji took the four or five steps necessary to stand in front of Shikamaru, and that’s all he did. Shikamaru wanted him to reach out, to hold his hand or tilt his head up by the chin with a delicate, powerful finger.

Instead, it was so much better.

Neji kept a foot between them, holding his towel idly in his two hands.“If you liked me so much, I could have been here making you food for years.”

Shikamaru knew it somewhere in his heart, but to hear it out loud felt like being flung from the top of a mountain. He swallowed, his blush returned in full force, and he couldn’t stand how he was so dense that he ignored how much Neji showed him he loved him. “I was…”

“You are a child.”

“Neji…”

“ We haven’t talked for a month, Nara.”

“I mean, I sort of panicked…”

“Sort of?” He he was tall and towering and his judgment came with no scolding, no hate, just a haughty sense of pride.

Shikamaru was as overwhelmed at the confrontation as he was relieved, balanced so delicately between the two that he couldn’t find it in himself to make up excuses. “Okay, fine , I panicked and tried to run away. I’m a shirker at heart, okay?”

“I’ve never seen you run away,” and his glee, his elation, was bordering on rude.

“Stop…”

Be glad he’s not upset...

“But in romance?”

“ Neji , I don’t need to hear it,” Shikamaru whined, surprising himself with the way his words took shape and sounded , so small and capable of being squashed . “I didn’t know what to do about it , and I thought maybe I was wrong, and when that wasn’t true, I felt like shit for --”

Neji smiled at the scene unfolding, and leaned in, hand gently bringing up Shikamaru’s chin to give him a small forehead kiss. “You’re so incredibly stupid.”

“You’re making me feel worse.”

“Consider it… the fee for not talking to me.”

Neji’s fingers still lingered under Shikamaru’s chin, and the smug look crossing his features showed how much he loved watching Shikamaru scramble for his bearings.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, you can’t be a genius all the time.”

He presses a kiss to Shikamaru’s lips before returning to the task at hand when he sound of boiling water started to overtake the pot it was in. Shikamaru sat back, watched, and tried his best not to stare.

~

Neji sat across from Shikamaru, and between them was a hearty meal spread across several plates and bowls. He was looking down to his food, skewering a carrot from his bowl of soup. “Were you ever going to talk with me? Ask me? I didn’t take you for being shy…”

Shikamaru felt abundantly embarrassed no matter how much time had passed, and instead of focusing on all the ways he fucked up and made himself out to be an idiot, he just took another bite of rice and savory meat and tried not to look Neji in the eye. At least, that is, until the amusement wore off and he wasn’t smiling like he was about to laugh. “It wasn’t all me, you know… I mean, even when I was panicking and dealing with my own shit, I didn’t know what to do about… if your clan has any rules or guidelines for you. I didn’t know if you could… theoretically, ah…”

Neji spared him the explanation, knowing that diving into clan politics and unspoken rules wasn’t as easily breached as things like dinner and mission reports.

“It’s complicated, but the idea of it is that so long as I’m private, and keep my relationships private, then I have a sort of freedom for who I choose to be with. When it comes to commitments, there’s… stipulations, but it still doesn’t prevent me from choosing. If I fail in my duties to lady Hinata, then it’s another situation entirely… but that’s not a concern I have.”

“Oh. So, we can…try this?”

Neji raised an eyebrow, a small smirk following quickly. “We can try a lot of things.”

“Please, don’t… let me lick my wounds before you start in.”

Neji chuckled, skewering a strip of barbecue. “Fine, this time.”

Shikamaru sighed in relief, and felt a little better about himself. He didn’t recognize himself in his actions, so he didn’t want to question them now when he finally had what he wanted.

He looked up from his food, and found Neji just. Staring. His elbow was propped up on the wooden table and his cheek was tucked against his curled fingers so that he could continue to watch, observe, to see .

“You’re staring.”

Neji’s brow raised a bit. “You’re always staring, I think it’s my turn.”

Shikamaru straightened his posture, just the mere thought of being so intensely observed bringing a pool of heat to his stomach. “I’m not always…”

Neji uncurled one finger from his propped hand and tapped the side of his head, just beside his eyes, as his Byakugan flashed across like a comet in the sky. “Don’t you think I’d see?”

It makes sense. Shikamaru just grumbled and returned his eyes to his food, ceding defeat.

A couple of minutes passed, silence and eating and the clink of chopsticks or spoons against porcelain.

It was all so sudden – no sooner had Shikamaru made up his mind about his feelings did the object of his affections also made it clear that he had feelings as well.

He’s never been taught about this – he learned about chakra systems and how to strangle an assaulting ninja before he learned how to handle this.

Love. Companionship. Whatever.

“So you… you said years, right?”

Neji looked up, mouth full. He squinted, a look of confusion overshadowing his eyes that he couldn’t yet voice.

“You said you would have been making me food for years…”

Neji nodded, so matter of factly, swallowing a bite-full of food.

“So you… have had feelings, for years...”

Another nod.

“I don’t know how I could be so dense.”

Neji swallowed, bringing his hand up to his mouth before speaking. “You’ve always been dense.”

“I used to like to think I’m at least self aware! By gods, I tried to avoid you, and yet I’ve avoided this for years.”

“You don’t have to drag yourself over the coals on this, Shikamaru – we’re here now . That’s all that matters, not the hypothetical past, and not you coming to some sort of realization years ago. Just now.”

Shikamaru sighed, shoulders slumping. “I know, I know – I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

Neji’s responding smile was enough to settle the conversation. “I was okay how we were, and when I realized your feelings for me, I am now more than okay with how we will be.”

“I’m sure this will hurt my pride, but how did you realize?”

Neji was taking another bite of pork, and he laughed before he could finish it. He swallowed and followed it with a drink of water. “You couldn’t look me in the eye for weeks, you stopped drinking with me, and you think you were somehow... sneaky?”

Shikamaru prayed for the floor to swallow him up, to crack open just enough for him to plummet into darkness. “When you put it like that…”

“I never minded, and I would have waited forever.”

Shikamaru’s chest swelled with warmth, and this time he didn’t avoid Neji’s eyes once they met.

“I’ll never make you wait again.”

~

“I’ll be back later,” Neji said, now that their meal was done. Both he and Shikamaru already cleaned the kitchen, and stored the food that was left over in the fridge.

“You can stay, you know – no one’s gonna kick you out.”

They were outside, Shikamaru standing in the doorway and Neji facing him from the patio. Neji shook his head. “Unfortunately, I have to meet with the hokage for our weekly round table – but that’s okay, you’ve been gone too long, you should rest.”

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. “I get told I’m lazy all day long, and now I’m being told to rest. ”

Neji sighed, a full body sigh that made him visibly relax his shoulders. “You’re so much trouble, Nara.”

Then he took his hands and framed Shikamaru’s face. “Just get your lazy ass some sleep.”

Shikamaru let his feelings guide his body and gave in to that which he normally would have denied, and grabbed the hands still framing his face, light like a leaf to the ground. He nodded, not thrilled that he was leaving, but appreciating the small gesture all the same.

“Okay, fine, Hyuuga. Didn’t want you around anyway.”

Neji’s grin was tentative, testing, like he didn’t want to give away his amusement for sake of pride. Shikamaru grinned at the expected Hyuuga reaction, and he felt a little more of his footing flatten out beneath him, like they were starting to make sense.

“See ya later, Hyuuga,” and he pressed  a small kiss to Neji’s lips, the type he knew he could give without sinking too deep into wanting more. He pulled away, separating them by a margin, and said, “Thanks for seeing through me.”

Neji’s lips peaked into a beautiful smile, painted deep shades of warmth and fondness. “Thanks for being see-through.”

Shikamaru ignored the perpetual heat in his cheeks, and as soon as Neji was gone, his return to his bed was swift and seamless.