Chapter Text
By the time Namjoon gets back to the dorm, it’s well past 8 o’clock. He sighs, slumping against the wall for a moment, before shoving himself back up and continuing into the kitchen. Finally. It had been a long day. First hours of dance practice, followed by hours of meetings with Big Hit staff regarding their upcoming tour. All seven of them had been there for the first handful, but on their way out, a staff member had grabbed him asking more questions. He had waved the others on, sure they were hungry, and stayed back. They left, waving at him, and promising to save him dinner, to which he gave a grateful nod and a smile.
It took far longer than he had expected. He’s tired and hungry and ready to take a moment to relax with his friends. He listens as he heads towards the kitchen but the dorm is silent. Namjoon frowns. He was pretty sure that everyone else was going to head back here for dinner, but no one was around. He pulls open the fridge, inspecting the contents. Nothing that hadn’t been there this morning. Had the noodles in the back gone bad yet? They were probably fine. He stands back up. Had they gone out then?
He pulls out his phone, flicking it open. He pulls up his messages, closes them, then pulls them open again. Nothing. He shrugs to himself. They must have gone out then. That’s fine, there wasn't much to eat at the dorm anyway.
Still, they could have told him, right? He shakes away a twinge of unease and scoffs. They didn’t leave me out on purpose, stupid. You told them to go, and now you’re getting upset when they listen to you. What the hell Namjoon . He knows them better than that.
Somehow though, his appetite had vanished. He tapped his fingers against his thigh restlessly. I have those tracks due in a couple days, I should go work on those. Nodding to himself, he turns and heads back out the door to go to his studio. Might as well be useful with his time.
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It's another late night when Namjoon shoves his way into the dorm, stopping to fumble with his shoes. Practices, meetings, lyrics to write. I have so much to do he thinks frantically. I need to keep everything together, I want to make everything better, the others are working so hard, I can’t bring them down. He shakes himself and steps into the dorm, the sounds of laughter coming from the living room. He drags himself slowly in that direction, still running through plans in his head, trying to put everything in its place, where is the time, he needs more time.
“Hyung!”
Namjoon jerks, startled. He glances into the living room to see everyone crowded around the tv, one of their many gaming systems hooked up and running. Everyone is looking at him, smiles on their faces.
Taehyung grins at him. “ Hyungie! We were waiting for you to get back.”
Hoseok nods. “We never see you anymore Namjoon-ah!”
Namjoon shifts a little, feeling oddly out of place. Everyone is having fun, I should just let them rest, I have so much work… He smiles at the group. “You just saw me at practice.” he reminds everyone.
Seokjin rolls his eyes. “Yeah and then you spent 3 hours in meetings, and then you spent the whole evening at your studio.” He frowns, looking worried. “ You missed dinner Joonie. Did you eat?”
Namjoon swallows. He hadn’t, but he doesn't want to interrupt, and he knows if he says something Seokjin hyung will feel obligated to get up and fix him something. He’ll just get something later.
“Ah- yeah I got some take out at the studio.”
Seokjin peers at him, almost like he doesn't believe him, but after a moment just smiles, nodding. “Good, you need to keep your health in mind.”
Namjoon feels something curdle in his stomach. Who has the time for that? It's too much, so much, I have to keep moving. He tries to ignore the even quieter whisper that just screams for everything to stop, just for a moment.
He notices everyone is looking at him, and he quickly nods. “Yeah, I will.”
He turns to head back to his room to do more work when a voice calls out to him.
“Hyung!”
It’s Jungkook, game paused, controller held loosely in one hand. He’s smiling at Namjoon. It looks tentative to Namjoon, forced almost. Jungkook pats the seat next to him, then waves the controller.
“Hyung, come play!”
“Ah- Kook-ah I was going to-”
Jungkook interrupts, pouting. “Hyung, come on! Take a break. Don’t you want to hang out with us?”
And Namjoon has always had a weak spot for those wide eyes, so even though his mind is going a million different ways, he has a thousand things to do, and not enough time to do any of it, he smiles.
“Of course I do, Kook-ah”
Jungkook smiles and pats the seat again. “Come sit by me!” He grins impishly “I won't even make you play, since i'll just win anyway.”
“Hey! I don't always lose.”
Several voices cough out “always” and Namjoon glances around, but everyone is studiously avoiding his gaze. Jungkook clears his throat and pats the seat for a third time, and Namjoon finally makes his way over, easing down into the seat. He tries to give Jungkook room, but the maknae immediately shifts closer, practically leaning on Namjoon. He grins over at Namjoon before restarting the game abruptly, to shouts from Jimin.
Namjoon can’t help but feel sick.
I thought Jungkook was over trying to make me happy because I’m the leader.
Namjoon sinks into his thoughts, trying to gather the racing scattered bits, working through schedules and grasping at fragments of songs. He’s paying no attention to anything else going on. He can't escape the dawning feeling that nothing he does is worth anything. He can run until he cant move anymore, and all of it could be done better by someone else. But he can't stop. And honestly, he wants to, wants everything to stop so bad, but he owes these boys everything. If he can make things better for them then he will.
He’s so wrapped up that he completely misses Seokjin and Yoongi having a silent conversation with their eyes. They just look resigned. The others are supposedly focused on their game, but more than one life is lost because they are Giving Namjoon more attention than their game.. Jungkook on occasion nudges his hyung, but the other never reacts, just staring blankly at his hands. The maknae looks sadder with each attempt, and finally just presses his side up against Namjoon’s, and tries to focus on the game.
After about half an hour Namjoon stands abruptly, jostling Jungkook. He looks around briefly, not meeting anyone in the eyes, before mumbling “ I have some work to do” and beginning to shuffle towards his room.
Everyone voices a protest, but Namjoon just waves loosely, a wan smile on his face. “You guys have fun.”
I- I have so much to do. And besides, you guys will have more fun without me dragging you down.