Work Text:
'It's raining' Jungkook thought while looking outside of his office's windows.
"Sir, it's time to go." Jimin, his secretary said. "Ah, yes let's go."
It was very silent and comfortable ride. The only thing Jungkook can hear is the sound of the raindrops falling onto the cars.
Taehyung..
Jungkook closed his eyes. Remembering the memories of him and his beloved together.
*10 years ago*
"Jungkook! Did you see that?! OMG I'M HELLA AMAZING!" Taehyung said while holding his plushies which he won from the arcade.
"Yeah, yeah. You are so amazing Kim Taehyung! So amazing because you made me feel like wanting to kiss you right now in front of everyone. Ah, have I told you that you looks so amazingly pretty and gorgeous today, baby? I think I've not yet-"
"Yah, Jeon Jungkook! Slow down your voice! You are embarrassing me! You've been telling me that for thousands time already!!" Taehyung said while slapped Jungkook mouth with his hand.
"I think it's more better if you actually slapped me with your lips." Jungkook said while wriggling his eyebrows.
"You-"
"Let's go! It's been years I waited for you to get your own plushies from that thing. I can just buy it for you." Jungkook said while intertwined his hand with Taehyung's hand.
Taehyung was surprised by the restaurant that Jungkook reserved for their 4th anniversary today.
After they went ate, they went to the Namsam tower.
"Why it is so quiet here?" Taehyung asked while looking at the scenery.
"I've reserved this place just for us." Jungkook looked at Taehyung like he is the last thing on earth.
'I mean, I know this spoiled boy is rich but-'
Out of sudden, Jungkook kneeled down.
"Happy 4th anniversary baby." Jungkook said while holding a box of rings.
"Will you marry me?"
"Omg, YES!" Taehyung hugged Jungkook. He was crying hard. Touched by his boyfriend who is proposing to him.
Jungkook is going to live with him for the rest of his life. What kind of blessings is this?
They held their wedding simple, with only close people.
It was the happiest moment in their life.
But little they didn't know is that.. Their happiness will slowly gone.
After a year of their wedding, suddenly Jungkook got a call from his father.
"Jungkook, I'll hand the company to you after this." Mr. Jeon said.
"Nae, abeoji." Jungkook was happy that he finally can handle the company by himself.
It's one of his dream to handle his family's company.
Taehyung was really happy with the news. Because he knows how much that position meant to Jungkook.
__________
It's been 7 months since Jungkook become the CEO of Tiger Holding.
And it's been 7 months since both of their last long time together.
The first 1 month was okay-ish. Jungkook still spent some time with him.
The 2nd month was miserable. Jungkook need to go to the business trips. So Taehyung was all alone in the house.
On the 3rd month, Jungkook always come back home drunk. Maybe drink with his office mate.
But Jungkook never texted him saying he has to go to the office drink.
On the 4th month, Taehyung got no one by his side. Jimin is busy with his work as Jungkook's secretary and Yoongi and Hoseok, Jimin's boyfriends cannot accompany him as they are busy doing their mixtape. His brother, Kim Namjoon and his husband only video calling him at night because they live so far away.
It was a lonely night, for the first time.
On the 5th month, he finally smell some unfamiliar sweet cologne and perfume on his husband clothes. But he keep thinking positively. Maybe Jungkook were with his clients.
On the 6th months, he is about to talk with his husband.
"Jungkook, can we talk?" Taehyung said while looking at his tired husband.
"What is it baby?" Jungkook asked.
"Um, when will you stop being busy? I miss you.." Taehyung said.
"Awh, my baby miss me? I miss you too. You know that I need to work hard for my father. I'll clear my schedule for you later, okay? Now, let's sleep." Jungkook said while holding Taehyung close to him.
"Good night."
"Good night baby." Jungkook kissed his forehead.
But yes, it failed.
__________
After that, the positive emotions in Taehyung turned out to be anxiety.
He feels very anxious every time Jungkook didn't come back home.
Before this, even if Jungkook didn't come back home before 12, he will wake up by his sides every day.
But now, only Jimin stopped by to get Jungkook's clothes.
He didn't want to ask his best friend. Afraid that he will be burden to both of them who was already busy with their work already.
He didn't want to be any burden to anyone.
Unexpectedly, his anxiety and depression came back.
Is there anyone who still loves him?
"Jung-Jungkook" he need to call Jungkook. He need to hear his voice calling him baby. Saying to him that everything is alright. That he love and miss him like how he miss Jungkook.
It's hurt.
It's freaking hurt.
Please.
Please answer it.
No answer.
The only thing he can hear is a mail box.
Jungkook doesn't love him anymore.
No.
He's afraid.
Afraid of being abandoned.
Like how he was being abandoned by his family.
No, he doesn't want to lose this battle! He need his husband, his friends. But.. But why is nobody answering him?
"Wh-What should I do..?" He said, holding his shaking hands.
Write. Yes write.
Writing something has been Taehyung's place to confess all of his feelings.
On the 7th month of lack of affection from his husband, he can't take it anymore.
"Hey," Taehyung said, "Yes, baby?"
"Do you still love me?" Taehyung asked.
"Wha-"
"Is that a question? Oh my God. I freaking love you, dummy." Jungkook said.
"I'm sorry for not having a lot of time with you.." Jungkook said while hugging Taehyung.
"Nah, it's okay. I just need to know it before I go.." he mumbled the last part.
"What is it baby?"
"Nothing!" he smiled. Loving the affection from his husband.
It is what it is.
Taehyung thought on this so many time.
He better get out of Jungkook life.
He didn't want to burden Jungkook life with his personal stuff.
He think that it's better if he just went out from his Jungkook life.
But not without Jungkook in his life.
He's going to end his life.
He wanted to die without regret.
He checked on everything.
His divorce paper. He signed everything, the only thing that is missing in that document is only Jungkook's signature.
His letters to all his best friend.
His last letter to his husband.
__________
He sat down on the couch of his old house.
It's been a while since he went there.
He want to sell the house because he was going to live together with Jungkook, but something he doesn't want to sell the house because of the memories that they created together.
All set!
He wrote the last letter in his life.
"Done!" He smiled for the last time.
His hand are shaking terribly.
Recently, he kept on eating antidepressants to avoid him getting anxiety, panic attack and depression.
'I guess.. I'll eat it for the last time.' he thought.
He lay down.
His body are completely tired.
All of his system feels like it is about to shut down.
His mind is only thinking about his Jungkook.
His sweetest memories with Jungkook passing by.
The first time that bunny boy stopped him from killing himself.
The first time the boy with the doe eys confessing to him.
Their first date
Their first kiss.
Their first being so intimate to each other.
Their 1st anniversary until the 3rd anniversary.
Their 4th anniversary which is last 2 years where Jungkook proposed.
Then this year.
Their first time being distant for a long time.
Taehyung couldn't take it anymore.
Every time he wanted to talk, Jungkook is tired.
Every time he wanted to call him, only the mail box came up.
Every time he wanted his comfort, Jungkook is already fast asleep.
He want to end this.
Who is he without Jungkook?
He is nobody.
He need Jungkook to be by his side.
But now, if Jungkook is not by his side, it's pointless.
He rather die than living without Jungkook in his life.
He's tired already.
Ahh, goodbye my love..
Goodbye my most treasured one, Jeon Jungkook..
His hand touched the ground.
There's no breath to hear anymore.
His pulse?
There is no pulse anymore.
How about his heartbeat?
There is no heartbeat anymore.
His body turned cold.
Is he smiling?
Yes.
Finally.
He lost his own battle.
Even with such a lovely husband.
Lovely friends..
He lost his own battle by the people he loves.
By the people who made him survive on his first battle of depression in highschool.
__________
"Sir, we are here." Jimin woke Jungkook up from his sleep.
"Did I just fell asleep?" Jungkook rubbed huys eyes.
"Yes.. Sir.. You are crying." Jimin said.
Jungkook touched his eyes. His cheeks is already wet.
"Oh, yeah, I.. I just dream about Taehyung." Jungkook said while wiping his own tears with his handkerchief that once Taehyung embroidery it.
"He will always by our side, Kook-ah." Jimin smiled sadly. Jimin is sad because he feels like he is not a good friend to Taehyung. If he can turn back time, he will advised Jungkook to go back home early every day.
"Yes.. Thank you for sending me back home, Jiminie." Jimin bowed before he went back home.
Jungkook sat down on his couch and saw the letters scattered on his table. He took one of it and read it again.
__________
Dear Kookie!
Are you there? How are you? I'm sorry for leaving you behind. I just thought that you need to be free. You deserve to be free. Not like me. I'm stuck with you guys. I don't have anyone else besides you guys. It's hurt. It's hurt so much that I need to let it go. I don't want to be hurt like this anymore. I observed every months on how your behaviour changed. Until I can't anymore. It's hurt to know that I lost this battle. I'm sorry. It's just.. I can't anymore. I can't handle these loneliness. These anxiety that I got. These shaking hands. I can't stop now. It's hurt. I thought that if I die, all of the things will be solved. But I know it's not. Not for me.
I felt anxious everytime you came home late. I felt disappointed only to find Jimin at the door to grab your clothes. I'm shaking everytime I heard the thunder because you are not besides me. I felt insecure with myself just to find you don't want to cuddle with me. Am I'm not pretty anymore? Am I fat? Is your clients satisfy you more?
That's why I decided to leave. To leave completely. I rather leave with this kind of way. At least I'll not feel sad when i saw you being happy.
Baby.. Please be happy. Please be happy without me. I love you so much. I love you so much until I need to leave you in this kind of way. The way once you prevent me from doing it during high school.
Baby.. I miss the way you look at me like I'm your last. I miss the way you touch me with those gentle hands. I miss the gentleness in your voice saying I love you to me. I miss the secret whispers that we exchanged everyday. I miss all of you. I miss the old us. But the me now cannot handle this. All of you have been so busy lately. I, I just don't want to be a burden to you guys.
I've been waiting for your calls, but you never call me back. I've been waiting for you to come back from work. But all I feel in the morning is the coldness on the mattress that you always lay down.
Baby.. I'm sorry for losing this battle. I'm sorry. I cannot handle this anymore. Thank you for everything. I love you.
Your first love,
Kim Taehyung!
__________
I'm sorry for being an assholes.
I'm sorry for ignoring you.
I'm sorry for not spending time with you, my love.
I regret it.
I regret everything.
I wish I could've reached everything first.
I'm a fool.
Why did I ignored such a beautiful human being?
Why I didn't notice this at first.
Why.
I wish I made some time for you.
I wish I was not that selfish.
Taehyung-ah, it's been 4 years since you left me but I still can't find a happiness without you. I can't live without you in my life.
But I'll live, I'll live this life for you. I'll do everything that you wanted to do like all those letters said.
I'll live happily on your behalf, baby.
So please in the next life.. Please be with me again. I'll treat you better.
Jungkook opened his playlist.
That one song that he can relate with his own life..
..........
I fell by the wayside like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you but I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal but this won't
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
..........
Jungkook cried that night. While holding onto Taehyung's clothes.