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Jihoon stared outside the window of his hotel room, watching the cars passing by below. The 11th floor was too high, making everything look miniscule. Although, if he was being honest, he couldn't care less about the barely visible lights and cars as worry began taking over his heart. Was he ready for his big day?
He was getting married to his special person at noon, but his gut was too busy doing somersaults that he couldn't catch a wink of sleep. He looked at his phone for the nth time that night and it's only been a minute since he last checked his messages.
I want to throw up , Jihoon couldn't help but whisper in his mind.
It was overwhelming. He's a single father of two, and though his kids love his fiance and vice-versa, he still felt so scared. His children are his everything, and his marriage wouldn't just affect him but also his kids.
Deep down he knew that there was nothing else to worry about. They're going to be fine and happy. He was careful of the people he interacted with, who he dated, and who he introduced to his kids. Fortunately, his fiance was the first and last person his twins met.
Jihoon continued to fiddle with his phone, his mind going in an endless cycle of worry.
His thoughts were interrupted by the vibration of the phone in his hands. Jihoon smiled when he saw the message. His favorite hyung knew exactly what to say to put his heart at ease.
[From: Hannie Hyung]
Message: 'You must be nervous, but everything is going to be okay. The kids are already asleep, and Cheollie just tucked them. So, that's less for you to think about. Enjoy your last night as a single dad, because starting tomorrow, the four of you will become an official happy family of four.
Anyway, love you Hoonie! Get some sleep soon. Big day tomorrow.'
After reading the message, a new message came in. This time it was from his best friend, Seungcheol. If Jeonghan knew what could bring him comfort, Seungcheol knew how to slap him with reality. That's why he liked Jeonghan more than his own best friend.
[From: Coups]
Message: Think about what I told you. Tomorrow is your big day and all, but I think writing that letter will really help you feel at ease. I love you Ji and I'm so happy for you.'
[To: Coups]
I will. Also, disgusting. I love you too, but I love Hannie hyung more.
Jihoon laughed when the older replied with 'asshole, I love Hannie more too' within 30 seconds.
He put the phone away as he looked around his room. It was a simple suit. A queen bed in its wooden frame, bedside tables with the white lamps, television mounted on the wall, and a table for two by the window. The room smelled of lavender--a special request he made hoping the scent could calm him but it didn't.
Maybe Seungcheol was right after all. Maybe writing a letter to the love of his life was needed.
Jihoon walked over his bedside table and grabbed the stationery set that Seungcheol gave him.
"Ridiculous," he muttered beneath his breath.
The paper was designed with a faint image of a tiger in the background. Soonyoung definitely didn't have good taste. Then again, he’d always loved those magnificent creatures.
Just the thought of Soonyoung's name was enough to bring a smile on Jihoon's face. The love of his life, his happiness, his everything.
Jihoon sat on the table before taking a deep breath. He didn't know where to start. He was good with words but never when it comes to Soonyoung. It was absurd, but he wouldn't have it any other way.
Jihoon allowed his hands to move on its own, hoping his feelings would be delivered properly.
"Dear Soonyoung,
It's weird writing this letter to you but Seungcheol said it might help with the nerves, so here I am, absolutely lost as I stare in this piece of paper you'd surely adore. So I guess I'll start from the day I met you.
We were in highschool and Seungcheol introduced us to each other during the opening ceremony. Your first words to me were, "I can't eat chicken when they are naked." And then you bowed and left.
What the fuck...
Seungcheol was laughing his ass off before he went backstage. I thought you were weird, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.
The entire ceremony, I kept looking at you, praying you won't catch me staring. You did though, and you flashed me your eye-crinkling smile, and I swear the world went too bright.
Wait, this is too cheesy. Fuck .
Anyway, you were the most handsome guy I've ever seen. Some may disagree, but quite frankly, I don't really care.
The first time I laid my eyes on you, before Seungcheol even said your name, my heart already wanted to leave my chest and fly into your arms. I couldn't pinpoint what I liked about your face, but you were mesmerizing to me.
This was the harsh reality I had to live with for years. I was attracted to you.
I knew I was never good with handling my emotions. Especially with this new feeling. So I avoided you like the plague.
I didn't want to spend every waking moment of my life with my heart beating too fast and too loud. It was aggravating, you were annoying, and I was the most frustrating part of this story. Because I really tried to keep you off of my mind, but I failed miserably every second.
The funny thing was, you were so persistent in being my friend that I softened up to you. I liked being alone until you flashed your cheeky grin and made me meet so many new people. I must admit that life became so much better when I was with you.
You made me belong. I even met my favorite hyung because of you. I would always purposely cling to Hannie hyung just to hear you whine. But then Seungcheol took him away from us, so we were both chasing after the angel of the campus, driving the varsity team captain insane.
We always did our best pestering the most famous couple in school, even if we always failed in the end. We were notoriously inseparable.
I think I liked you then. As a friend of course. Like I was attracted to you, but like I just like you as a friend. Wait, that’s not the point of this letter... Moving on.
I was strong-willed yet you made me cave in to your every whim. Every single one of them. From meeting your friends from your dance class all the way to joining the music festival together.
I hated the idea. I told myself that I would refuse your request, but with just one look and a pout, my resolve immediately dissipated.
I let you hold my hand and pull me in your dance studio. You led the way to every beat and I followed. Gliding across the floor, moves perfectly matching the music as my heart swooned at the sight of the stars twinkling in your eyes.
I was certain I really liked you then. More than just a friend. Did I call it a crush? Maybe I said it's a little admiration then. Fuck, that doesn't matter right? Because in the end, I just really like you, Kwon Soonyoung.
You loved dancing and performing and you dragged me in your passion. I wanted to make melodies that will make you glow and bring that sickeningly sweet smile on your lips. That's how I began composing music. I wanted you to dance to every single one of them.
After weeks of practice, we stepped on stage in front of hundreds of people. Your hands shook as you held mine. You were more terrified than I was, but you had the audacity to tell me not to be nervous. I wanted to smack you, so I did. That made you laugh a little. You were still so tense that I forgot my own fear and insecurities. I was more worried about you.
I really thought you would fumble. Stage fright and nervousness could easily take over despite the relentless hours you spent mastering every move. I guess I was worried over nothing though, because as soon as the music started, your eyes changed.
The gods of dancing possessed you. You stopped trembling as you flashed your megawatt smile and captured everyone's heart. Swaying to the music, having fun as you led me through the entire thing.
The crowd was cheering so loudly. I see our friends screaming our names as they whistled when we would get too close. Why did you pick such a sensual song? I don't regret it at all, but did you even know how much I wanted to melt?
Our bodies moving in sync, skins touching more than what we practiced. Each graze of your hands on my arms left a fire ablaze that I knew would consume me in the end.
I welcomed every bit of it like a fool. But when you finally put your hands on my hips as the song reached its climax, all I could hear was my heart screaming your name.
I think I loved you then. Damn it. Why was I like that? So weak for you. The last time I checked, my name was not Coups and you weren't Hannie hyung, so why was I hoping we could be just like those lovebirds when you held my gaze?
We won that day. We kept joining every competition and festivals. Performing side by side, winning everything. You called us Two Captains. How cheesy was that and why was I so happy when you said that we are the perfect combination?
I was young and foolish. I knew deep down that I was the happiest because I was with the person I love most.
High school went by quickly, but college went by even faster. It's like one second we were deciding on our majors, then we were marching down the auditorium the next.
We were clad in black robes, our parents screaming our names as we received the piece of paper we worked hard on for the past few years. We made it.
Hannie hyung gathered us in his shared apartment with Coups. They were too lazy to go out and party, but they had the energy to keep their neighbors awake through the night. Can't blame them though. By then, Coups was already a well known rapper, and Hannie hyung was the most in-demand model. He still is to this day.
We got dead drunk. Well, you did. One of us needed to stay sober to get home, and I volunteered. I always do. Because who needs booze when your presence alone was intoxicating enough?
I really should have used that pick up line on you. I just never had the chance to.
The drive to your home was filled with your voice singing SHINee's Replay. You reeked of alcohol then. I should have asked you why you drank so much but I didn't.
I couldn't find the keys to your apartment, so I dragged you into mine. I thanked all the gods that we were neighbors. We struggled to get inside the door, and it was just a nightmare. We fell too many times until we finally stumbled on my bed. You laid on top of me, and shared our first kiss."
Jihoon stopped writing. He rubbed his face with his hand as he looked over the window. Still the same view. Little lights and cars. Maybe writing this letter was not the best idea.
He closed his eyes as he remembered that night.
--
Jihoon's eyes widened when he felt the other's lips. This was his dream but he knew better. Soonyoung was drunk. He gently pushed his friend away.
"What the hell--you're so drunk right now." Jihoon raised his voice a little, hoping it was enough to feign annoyance.
Soonyoung pouted as he sat on the bed. Sulking like a kid who didn't get what he wanted. Jihoon sighed. He was too sober for this.
"Look, if you wanna kiss me, you may kiss me." Jihoon almost laughed when Soonyoung perked up from his words. "But you have to be sober." He continued.
Soonyoung pouted again, grumbling underneath his breath.
"What? I can't hear you." Jihoon teased his drunk friend.
To his surprise, Soonyoung faced him, eyes filled with tears waiting to escape.
"I said am I not good enough to be kissed by you?" Soonyoung's voice cracked, tears falling mercilessly. "I drank a lot, but I'm not drunk. I like you so much, why can't you see that?"
Jihoon was torn. He loves the man before him with all his heart. There was no one that could even compare, but he didn't want to take advantage of Soonyoung. He would never dare.
Jihoon opened his arms to invite his friend for a cuddle, and the drunkard complied.
"You are so good to me Kwon. More than you'll ever know. But if I'm going to kiss you, I want to do it when your alcohol level is at zero. So when you wake up tomorrow and you still want to kiss me, then I will gladly smother you with kisses. Okay?" Soonyoung didn't reply, only his snores could be heard in the room. Jihoon laughed then before he fell asleep with Soonyoung in his arms.
He wished he gave into the kiss, the temptation, the bliss. Maybe things would have been different.
--
When Jihoon opened his eyes, the tears that he held back for so many years finally escaped and he wanted nothing more than to spend the entire night crying instead. But he knew he needed to finish the letter. He needed to finally heal before he takes his vows.
He wiped away his tears, before continuing his letter for Soonyoung.
"Our first and last.
When I woke up the next morning, the side where you were supposed to be had gone cold. But that didn't worry me. I just thought you went back to your apartment and not out of my life.
You didn't answer my messages nor my calls. Even Hannie hyung and Coups couldn't reach you.
You just left without a trace. No goodbye notes or even an explanation. For years I blamed myself. Maybe I scared you off or I offended you.
Would things have changed if I just allowed that short moment of happiness with you, or would you still have left? I guess I'll never know.
I searched for you, calling your parents everyday to check if you showed up, bugging all of our friends in case you called. You didn't. You disappeared into thin air and you took my heart with you.
We were supposed to conquer the music industry together. Our goal was simple right? I was going to be the best composer and you were going to be the best choreographer. We were supposed to work for Coups' agency then, but all of those dreams turned to dust.
I spent those days writing the saddest melodies instead of the fun ones that you loved. No one danced to my music, they all just cried with it. There was no laughter nor excitement. Only bitter tears and resentment filled the void that you left in my chest.
I hated you so much because I could never bring myself to stop loving you. Pathetic, right?
Thankfully, those songs became great hits that the general public loved, and everyone regarded me as a talented producer. I achieved my dreams while another part of me only wanted you.
Years went by and still nothing. You were the ghost that kept haunting me, and I welcomed it. I missed you, I still do.
Instead of crying, I buried myself in my work. I neglected my social life, so I only knew Hannie hyung and Coups. I lost touch with our friends, and even your family. I guess I was a mess but people called it "alone time."
I gave up on finding you again, until… one night, Coups received a call from Wonwoo, your best friend. Turned out, he knew where you were all this time, but you made him promise to never tell. Especially me.
He told Coups that you needed help, he was desperate to save you. You got into an accident and needed a huge amount of money to get the operation done. We didn't hesitate to help you.
Screw the years of misery, of longing, of trying to make myself hate you when I know that I could never ever hate the only man I'd ever love. Screw it all, I only wanted to be right next to you.
When I got to the hospital, Coups was there with Hannie, holding two children fast asleep, while Wonwoo looked like he has been crying for years. Maybe our eyes looked the same. Maybe he saw the same weariness that I felt. Or maybe he just pitied me.
You were in the operating room fighting for your life. Wonwoo did most of the talking, I didn't really trust myself back then. I was so scared that if I opened my mouth, wails would come out instead of words.
He told us how you got someone pregnant back then and you wanted to take responsibility. You found out a few days before graduation, maybe that's why you drank a lot that night.
Wonwoo recalled how life treated you all those years: viciously. You met your wife in a club 3 months before graduation. It was a one night stand that led to many more nights after. I guess you loved her, because you eloped with her the morning you walked out of my life. Her family didn't approve of you, but you wanted to be the best father anyone could have.
You left without a word because you thought your resolve would crumble. That you'd stay instead. I wish you did. We would have been there for you; that's what friends do. But you're you and you like to keep things to yourself.
You faced it all by yourself instead. You worked two jobs to provide a good home and healthy meals for your family.
But she died when she gave birth to your twins, Soonmin and Youngjae.
Wonwoo was there for you and the kids. You worked harder to provide for them. Dishwasher at a restaurant on some days, a DJ on other nights. Sometimes you did delivery, and when you were lucky enough, you taught dance classes. And even though you worked so hard, you still made time for your kids.
You made them happy, made sure they were healthy, and you never missed any occasion. You've done everything you could to give them the best life and they loved you to bits.
16 hours. You were operated on for that long. You were comatose, and they attached so many machines to you. They said it was the only thing that kept you alive. You needed a miracle, and I prayed for you to come back. Not for me, but for your kids.
Two months passed and you were still sleeping. We took turns taking care of Soonmin and Youngjae, making sure that they were healthy and happy for you. Your twins visited you often, asking if you were that tired. They loved talking to you. We told them how you can hear them and that you might wake up soon if they keep talking. We all hoped you would wake up.
But one day, the twins caught us by surprise when they told you to just rest if you were tired. To stay with their mom instead. They promised to eat their vegetables, to listen to us, to do all of their chores and homework.
It broke my heart to see your little angels say those words to you, but I guess they saw what we refused to see. You were struggling. Eventually, your parents decided to let you go.
We all stayed by your side, supporting your mom as she called your name, as your kids said their final goodbye, and as I whispered the words I was never able to tell you. I love you.
Wonwoo gave me a letter that day. It was the note you made before you left me that morning. It was simple, and your writing made it almost impossible to understand, but I did anyway.
"I love you Hoonie, I always have and I always will. I'm sorry."
Those thirteen words will haunt me for the rest of my life. Questions only you could answer. The why's and the what ifs. I guess I have to learn to live without ever knowing how you truly felt and where we went wrong.
It's been seven years since you left this world. I adopted the twins when your parents followed you a few years later. At the time, both Hannie hyung and Coups were at the peak of their career, they couldn't take care of them. Wonwoo just got married to Mingyu--you know that tall guy I almost hit with a guitar back in highschool?--I guess they met again and they decided to skip the whole dating thing. 3 weeks later, they were married. They’re currently traveling the world, making documentaries as they go.
I hope you don't mind that I am taking care of your kids. Our kids. They have grown so much Kwon. They are kind and happy just like you.
Soonmin took after you a lot. The same twinkling eyes, and she calls them 10:10. She said you told her that her eyes are so pretty that way. Youngmin got your talent. He joins contests after contests and he gives it his all.
Youngjae got my shyness though. He is struggling to even say I love you to me lately. And Soonmin, she got the composing talent. I took them to the studio a lot. I tried my best to fill them with all the love I could muster and so much more. I hope you are watching over them.
I love them so much; they’re my life and joy. And I will keep making so many memories with them so when the day comes and I meet you again, I could tell you all about it.
So anyway, we finally got to the main point of this letter. I’m getting married tomorrow, Kwon. He's really handsome and kind. The kids adore him and I know you would too.
I want to start a new life with him but I can't do it if I keep all of these feelings inside. I still love you Kwon, but I met my special person. I am saying goodbye to you. I will still love you and remember you. You will always be the best dance partner I've ever had.
I love you Kwon.
Love,
Hoonie"
Jihoon looked back at the tear-stained pages. He looked at his ugly scrawls but laughed as he thought that Soonyoung's would be worse.
Seungcheol was right. Writing the letter was a closure for him, the final step to his healing. And even though it will never replace the part that Soonyoung took with him, Jihoon is glad that he can finally close a chapter in his life.
That night, Jihoon slept well with his mind and heart at ease. In his dreams, a man dressed in the most atrocious mixture of patterns waved at him. Jihoon laughed as he approached the all-too-familiar man. He missed him so much.
Instead of talking, they spent the entire time dancing. The same music that they danced to many yesteryears ago. It was their last dance before Jihoon let go and he made sure to enjoy every bit of it.
His head on the other's chest, swaying through the dancefloor. Everything felt so real. The warmth, the electrifying shivers that went down his spine, even the soft whisper of the voice he hasn't heard in so long.
'I love you, Hoonie. Thank you.'
When he woke up to the sound of his alarm the next morning, happy tears filled his eyes. It's time to dance with a new partner, but he will always treasure the memory of their last...
The End