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He pressed his fingers into his eyes, he’d been in his recording studio for over ten hours now. He hated days like this, but they were becoming more and more frequent. Yoongi was desperately trying to write a song which did not want to be written; the song danced around his mind evading any attempt he made to put it to paper, like something blurry in his peripheral vision that he couldn’t quite get. He could hear the commotion outside, thankfully it sounded like Namjoon was doing his best to deal with it, he’d explicitly told him that he wanted to be left alone, and Namjoon being who he is, told the rest of the boys that Yoongi wasn’t feeling too good and needed some space.
It sounded like whatever had been going on was beginning to calm down, that was, until Yoongi heard him.
“Yoongi-ahhh!”
He wished he could ignore that voice. Soft, light, playful, equally as affectionate as it was with everyone else, but demanding all the same.
“Hyung let me in, I want to talk to you.” He knew that at best, Jimin wouldn’t accept no as an answer and tease him through the door until he relented, at worst, he’d leave feeling hurt and dejected.
Yoongi sighed, and so it begins. He walked over to the door and let him in, turning his back to Jimin and sitting back at his desk as promptly as he could. He didn’t need to look up, he knew exactly how Jimin would be sitting on the sofa in the studio: left leg crossed over the right, one arm sprawled across the back, the other placed on the arm rest. He could feel his eyes on him, but he daren’t look. One look would have him questioning why he’s doing this to himself; he knew the answer, he knew he needed space, but he also knew that he couldn’t tell Jimin this without also telling him why, and God knows that was a conversation that Yoongi wanted to avoid.
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Jimin said, so gently it was almost a whisper.
“Oh, nothing Jimin, I’m just struggling to write this song.” Yoongi could hear his own lie clear as day, he had no doubt that Jimin heard it too.
“That’s not what I mean… you’ve not been yourself lately. This is the third week in a row where you’ve spent all day here, we’ve barely seen you… I… we’re worried about you”. Yoongi couldn’t deny Jimin’s sincerity, Yoongi’s behaviour clearly hadn’t gone unnoticed by everyone else.”
“Honestly Jimin, I’m fine, you know how it is. I find it hard to concentrate when there’s a lot going on, and I really want to get something written.” He heard the coach groan before he felt Jimin’s hand on his shoulder.
Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, don’t look at him.
“When was the last time you ate, Yoongi? You look exhausted. You’re losing weight, I can see that. Are.. are things… bad again?”
Yoongi couldn’t reply, he couldn’t concentrate on what Jimin was saying, all he could feel was his hand on his shoulder. He was touching him, again. Why did it have to feel like this when they were alone? So intimate, so sincere, so significant. It just made it that bit harder for Yoongi to do what he needed, what they both needed, him to do.
“Yoongi? Hyung? Are you.. Okay? Are you ill?” Jimin could see that Yoongi’s cheeks were flushed, he was worried that he was overworking himself again.
“I’m fine, of course I’m eating, I had some Japchae just before you came.” Yoong mumbled. He felt like he was going insane, he needed to get Jimin out of this room, he couldn’t concentrate with him being so close, couldn’t rationalise why he needed to stay away. He took Jimin’s hand, and moved it off of his shoulder, he knew Jimin wouldn’t leave of his own accord so he was going to have to make him want to leave.
“I’m exhausted Jimin. I came in here for some peace and quiet, and here you are, again. Did Namjoon not tell you that I wanted some space?” Yoongi raised his voice and wheeled his chair away from him.
“I… well… I was just…” Jimin was taken aback, Yoongi had seldom spoken to anyone like this, especially not to him. Even in the early days his biting comments were said quietly, and even then they were very rarely directed at him.
“We spend all day every day together, we eat together, work together, live together, rehearse together, Christ we even holiday together! All I want is some time to myself, alright?” Yoongi looked at him when he said this, he needed Jimin to know how badly he needed this time to himself. He wasn’t prepared for what he saw, he didn’t expect Jimin’s eyes to sparkle, and his bottom lip tremble the way it did when he was about to cry.
“Yoongi, I know that you’ve been avoiding me... I just wanted to talk to you, I can see now that that isn’t what you want. I’ll leave you alone”
Jimin left the room in a hurry, leaving the door to slam back on itself. After a couple of minutes of being alone Yoongi could think again, he knew that he wasn’t angry due to the amount of time they spent together, he knew that he was annoyed because it never felt like that time was enough. He longed to spend more time with Jimin but for all the wrong reasons. He shouldn’t feel this way about his bandmate, he was supposed to be an example, an older brother to guide him, a friend to comfort him, and yet here he was pining after the younger. He loathed himself for the things he had said; Jimin was too gentle, too soft to be spoken to like that. God knows what damage he’d just done to their relationship, but he knew this was coming. Ever since that first day, May 15th, when Jimin became the last member to join the band Yoongi knew he was in trouble.
It took him awhile to figure out why he was so drawn to the boy. For the first few months he convinced himself that Jimin’s optimism was good for him, and his own stoic nature was good to counteract Jimin’s hot-headedness, and that was why he felt they should spend time together. But Jimin was so affectionate and so complimentary that it disarmed Yoongi. It meant a lot to have Jimin believe in him so completely. It made him want to hold Jimin as much as he could, for as long as he could, whenever he got the opportunity. Yoongi initially deemed this need to protect Jimin as a form of ‘brotherly love’, but as Jimin became older it became apparent that this definitely wasn’t the case. Next Yoongi convinced himself that he had a crush, Jimin was a handsome young man and it was perfectly natural for Yoongi to feel some level of attraction to him, surely. He molified himself with this thought for another year or so, but as the two became more comfortable around each other things became more complicated. Yoongi began to feel jealous when Jimin showed affection to other members of the band, and began to feel hurt when he chose to spend time with others instead of him.
Yoongi often recalled the exact moment he realised that he was completely in love with his bandmate, as if probing the memory would give light to some completely rational justification for his feelings. It was a Tuesday, they’d been working so hard in the lead up to the release of Wings, and they’d just gotten home from a gruelling 13 hours in the studio. Yoongi was so exhausted he didn’t know whether he wanted to shower, eat, or sleep first. He plonked himself down on the sofa in their shared area, and Jimin sat next to him as he usually did. Yoongi hadn’t noticed him fall asleep at first, it was typical of them to share each other's company in a comfortable silence with Jimin’s head on his shoulder, but became aware when Jimin had started to snore. Even then, with his cheeks still flushed, his hair damp with sweat and his mouth slightly open, Yoongi found that he thought Jimin looked beautiful. The thought had unnerved him, but not nearly as much as the sound of Jimin quietly murmuring his name in his sleep.
A knock at the door awoke him from his reverie.
“Yoongi, we need to talk.” Uh oh. Namjoon rarely demanded the attention of any of the band members, and when he did, they all knew it meant trouble.
Namjoon entered the room and shut the door quietly behind him, watching Yoongi as he did so.
“I’m not going to pretend that I know what you’re going through Yoongi…” Yoongi groaned, here he goes....
“Then don’t try” the elder bit back, defensive, reluctant to enter into the conversation that he knew was coming.
“Whatever is going on between you and Jimin needs to stop.” Huh, as if it was that easy.
“There’s nothing going on between Jimin and I” Yoongi’s resentment towards this very fact was immediately evident to the both of them.
“Yeah, right.”
“There isn’t!”
“And is that by choice?”
“Wait… what?”
“Have you decided that nothing is going on between you, or are you just being stubborn?” Namjoon saw everything, the very quality which made him a fantastic leader had very quickly become problematic to Yoongi.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about; he barged in here and interrupted me when I told all of you not to and it made me annoyed, no big deal.. I’ll apologise to him tomorrow, and it’ll be done with.”
“You and I both know that isn’t it, Hyung. You haven’t seen the state of Jimin since he left this room, he’s locked himself in his and Hobi’s room and he’s sobbing so loudly that we can hear him down the corridor. He's inconsolable.”
Yoongi let out a long, exhausted sigh. He’d been selfish. He knew Jimin was a sensitive soul, and still insisted on shouting at him, just so save himself the effort of trying to stay away.
“I don’t know what to do, Namjoon. I’m… I’m confused. He’s my best friend, but being near him is so…complicated.”
“I’ve known you both for too long to believe that you see him as a friend, Yoongi, and I’m certain that he doesn't see you as a mere friend either. I don’t understand why you’re trying so hard to push him away, it’s not what either of you want.” . Trying to convince Namjoon that he was wrong was meaningless, Yoongi had been trying to do it for years to no avail.
“I want him with me, near me, but when he’s there it’s like I can’t see anything else. I try to avoid looking like I would the sun, yet I see him, like the sun, even when I’m not looking.”
“He loves you,” Namjoon said simply, and let it hang in the air between them.
“Not in the way that I love him.” Yoongi muttered, looking at his hands which were placed on his lap.
“I can’t convince you to tell him anything, and even if I tried you wouldn’t listen to me, I don’t know what will happen between the two of you, but I do know that my brother is hurting, and you’re the only one that can help him right now. Hobi will be staying in your and Jin’s room as he can’t get into his own and Jungkook is trying to calm down Tae who is furious (he knew that you were the one who had upset him like this straight away, don’t ask me how). This isn’t how we do things Yoongi, we talk things out, no matter how awkward.”
“I’ll try, but I can only imagine that I’m the last person on Earth he wants to speak to right now.”
“I think you’d be surprised.” Namjoon held Yoongi’s gaze for longer than usual, and then turned and left the room.
Yoongi took a deep breath. God knows how he was supposed to apologise to Jimin for speaking to him the way that he did, God knows how he was supposed to stay composed if Jimin was as upset as Namjoon had suggested. What should he do? Should he keep his distance? Should he hold him? Would Jimin even want to speak to him? And how on Earth does he justify needing space from him without telling him the way that he feels? Yoongi stood on a knife edge, he knew that no matter what happened, this conversation would determine his and Jimin’s future. If he didn’t go now, he’d chicken out, so with that thought, he walked down the corridor towards Hobi and Jimin’s room, apprehensive of what he was about to do.
He heard Jimin sobbing before he reached the door and at that moment he knew that regardless of what was to come, he needed to go to him. He quietly knocked on the door, but was met with no response.
“Jimin-ah, please let me talk to you. I need to explain why I acted the way that I did”. Yoongi stood at the door for what felt like hours, listening out for any sound which might indicate whether Jimin was willing to speak to him or not, after a few minutes of silence he spoke again.
“Jimin-ah, please.” Jimin never could refuse him, and as much as he wanted to, he knew that he couldn’t leave him out on that corridor.
Jimin opened the door with red-eyes, bitten lips and puffy cheeks. Yoongi’s heart swelled, and without a single thought, he entered the room, shut the door, walked to Jimin and took him in his arms. Jimin wrapped his hands in Yoongi’s shirt and sobbed, while Yoongi inhaled the all-too familiar scent of Jimin’s shampoo. They stood like this for a while, still near the bedroom door, scared to start a conversation that both knew would come to define their friendship, each terrified of losing one another with a confession on their lips.
“Yoongi, I’m s..s..sorry, I don’t.. I don’t know what…” Jimin tried to begin, but hadn’t quite calmed down enough to enable a comprehensible start to a conversation.
“Jimin-ah, I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said, I’m just so tired, Jimin.” Yoongi began.
“It’s ok hyung, you work hard, I just… I don’t want to annoy you. I know I can be clingy sometimes, and maybe too full on. I’m like that with the people that I love, but I’ll back off....”
“Oh Jimin, I wish you understood.” Jimin could hear the pain in Yoongi’s voice, it was clear that he needed someone to talk to.
“Tell me, hyunng, tell me what’s bothering you and I’ll listen, I won’t interrupt, I won’t get upset, I just want… I just need you to talk to me. I can’t cope with you being distant Yoongi, you’re so important to me.” At that moment Yoongi realised that he couldn’t lie to him anymore, so he did the only thing that made sense to him at that moment. He lifted Jimin’s head with a finger, and kissed him on the forehead. Jimin kept looking down, terrified yet elated, because Yoongi was finally talking to him.
“I don’t love you like you love me” Yoongi began, but hesitated before continuing. He’d pictured this moment so many times, practiced how he’d say these very words to him, but he never for a second thought this moment would actually happen. Now it felt a whole lot scarier.
““Jimin… when you look at me, it’s like I forget how to breathe.” It was then that Jimin lifted his head to meet Yoongi’s gaze.
“I don’t… I don’t know how I can say this so that you understand. I’ve been struggling Jimin, I’ve been struggling for a long time… I could cope, you know, at first, I managed for a while. I'd convince myself that I’ve got a grip of my feelings...” Jimin had feared this, he’d been scared that Yoongi was having a hard time again, and it seemed like he was right.
“But hyung, you should have told me, I could’ve helped, I could’ve…” it became abundantly clear to Yoongi that he wasn’t speaking clearly enough, Jimin was misinterpreting what he was saying. He couldn’t let this go on, he needed to tell Jimin exactly how he was feeling.
“No Jimin, you couldn’t.” Yoongi held Jimin’s gaze, staring into the eyes that he was so scared to lose. He inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, and made his confession.
“I’m struggling Jimin, because no matter what I do, I can’t stop myself from loving you.” He heard Jimin inhale, felt the air enter his lungs as his arms remained around the boy, and realised that he no longer had a choice but to continue.
“I tried... I really tried. I’d work towards loving you in a way that’s more… acceptable... for months at a time, but then you’d do something, anything, hell it didn’t even have to be something important. You’d burn the dinner, or cut your finger, or dance in the way that only you could and I’d be right back to where I was, as enamored with you as I have been since day one. I convinced myself that I needed to be around you for your sake, that you needed me... but, I was lying to myself. It’s me, Jimin, it’s me that needs to be near you, only it’s not enough anymore. I can’t be with you and not be with you. I can’t do it.”
Jimin’s expression was unreadable, it was the longest and by far the most intimate speech he’d ever heard the more reserved band-member make.
“I’m sorry that I’ve been putting distance between us, but you have to understand…it’s simpler if I’m not near you, because then I don’t have to pretend that I’m not in love with you. I don’t have to wait for an excuse to grab your hand, or hold you. So I avoid you, ok?! I know that it’s rude and it’s selfish, but I know you don’t love me in the way that I love you and it makes me feel like I’m going to drown.”
Jimin wiped a tear that was making its way down Yoongi’s cheek and softly replied.
“I couldn’t understand why you did it, I spent so much time wondering what I’d done wrong, why you’ve spent the past few weeks struggling to look at me…”
“Jimin, I…” Yoongi interrupted, but Jimin was determined to say what he had to say.
“No, listen. But most of all Yoongi, I couldn’t figure out why it hurt so bad. I’d argued with other members before, been told to go away, to leave them alone, to give them space. But it never hurt me like it did when it was you. I find it hard to believe that you’ve spent all this time watching me Yoongi, because I’ve spent all of this time watching you. Tae noticed first, then Jungkook, then Hobi. I… I thought you noticed too, I thought that’s why you were trying so hard to put distance between us.”
Yoongi couldn’t, wouldn’t allow himself to believe what he was hearing.
“Jimin, what are you saying?”
Jimin hesitated before pressing his forehead against Yoongi’s.
“Yoongi I’ve been so scared that I was losing you. I hadn’t… I hadn’t considered that you were going through what I was” he pressed his nose against Yoongi’s, feeling his warm breath against his skin, feeling more at peace than he thought possible.
“In the early days it was so hard to talk to you, to get through to you, that when you started to open up to me I couldn’t look away. You seemed so cool, so unbothered by everything, where-as I was an open book.” Yoongi brushed his nose against Jimin's, happy to finally be as close to him as he’d always wanted.
“I wasn’t unbothered, I was far, far the opposite of un-bothered when I was around you. Even now, Jimin, I can’t think of anything other than how close you are..”
“Then don’t.” Jimin replied, before finally, finally, kissing Yoongi the way he’d always wanted to.