Chapter Text
It was a quiet Saturday, and it was the day after Hinata’s cremation. Kageyama sat alone in Karasuno’s Volleyball court. He didn't know why his feet lead him there, maybe it was just his old habits, or maybe to find peace of mind amidst the calamity inside his head and heart.
It was a weekend so no student was around, just a few teachers.
He’s missed going here, he remembers those continuous days of racing with Hinata to and from school. How Hinata would dash through, how he’d made these stupid rumbling sounds.
Kageyama misses everything about Hinata, and there’s so many things he’s come to regret.
Like how he was persistent on not becoming in the same team as Hinata. Or how he didn't try to stay up to date with the boy, and how he rarely even tried to see him sometimes.
MSBY’s currently a mess, with Hinata gone-Atsumu seems like he doesn't want to play now, so does Sakusa, and of course, Bokuto. Bokuto was one of those who couldn't accept it until the cremation, even now-like Kageyama, Bokuto has no plan on accepting the bright boy’s sudden death.
Kageyama sighs, sitting in the corner while hugging his knees to his chest. Fuck , he swore inwardly, feeling the throbbing and the aching inside his chest. The longing, the lament, the endless overthinking. Kageyama can’t focus on anything anymore.
“Ah…” Someone from the door makes a sound, Kageyama lifts his chin to check and he finds Tanaka, Nishinoya and Asahi.
“... Kageyama.”
Kageyama stands up from the floor, “Hey…”
“What are you doing here?” Asahi asks, walking in and picking up a ball.
Kageyama shrugs, “I could say the same to the three of you.”
The boy slips his hands into his coat’s pockets, looking down and letting his raven hair cover his swollen eyes.
“Well, we don't know. We just…” Nishinoya tries to think of something to say, but fails at it. “I guess, we just miss the old times.”
Tanaka nodded and covered his eyes, “Damn, didn’t think Hinata’s… you know… would be the reason why we’re all going to meet up.”
“What do you mean?” Kageyama glances towards Tanaka, who’s now facing the door.
“We saw Ennoshita, Daichi and Suga at the entrance. Then Yamaguchi and Tsukishima in the cafeteria.”
“... huh.”
“I wish we all met up more often.” Nishinoya walks to Asahi, who’s playing with the wall. “I honestly didn't think I’d be back here so soon, and for this reason…”
“We couldn't really talk at the ceremony, everything was just too… heavy…”
Kageyama decides to space out, as he doesn't want to listen to his friends’, because he fears that he might break down again. He’s about to walk out, to get some fresh air, but meets the rest of the gang by the door.
Daichi met eyes with Kageyama, and he gave him a gentle smile as he noticed Kageyama’s quivering lips.
“... hey.”
Now, all eight of them were sitting on the floor in a circle. Like they were going to make some kind of ritual, but that would be another story.
Kageyama’s hugging his knees again, chin resting uncomfortably on scratched skin.
“What are you all doing here?” Daichi speaks first, he felt like he needed to, him being the former captain and all…
Some things don't change.
He still felt that he had the responsibility to get these boys back to their feet, or to scold them when they did something reckless or wrong.
Everyone except the interrogator shrugged.
“Dunno.”
“Missed the court.”
“... no need to ask that… you know we’re all here for the same reason.” Sugawara places his hands on his legs, like he’s meditating. “It’s been a while, you lot.”
“Indeed.” Asahi scratches his neck.
“It's been too long.” Yamaguchi speaks for the first time, he’s obviously still shaken but better, if compared to others. “The last time I saw Hinata was during his game two months ago… I was so shocked when I heard the news…”
“Don’t push it, Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima leans forwards and rests his elbows on his knees. “I don’t think any of us is ready to talk about Shouyou, especially…” He takes a quick look at Kageyama.
“Right. I think it’s best if we just catch up, no?” Ennoshita recommends, in an effort to lighten up the atmosphere. “How are you all?”
Everyone starts to unwind, talking about what’s been going on in their lives.
For Daichi, he explains that work at the Department has been hectic. Him being a police officer and all.
Sugawara says that he’s currently an elementary school teacher, he says that the kids are a handful but they're available.
For Asahi, there’s… nothing much important to mention. He’s been playing volleyball with some new friends and is working here and there.
Ennoshita is currently a physical therapist, Tanaka can’t stop bragging about Kiyoko, and that he’s also a personal trainer. Nishinoya can’t help but punch Tanaka but he’s happy for them, and is proud of his friend. Nishinoya says that he’s been fishing, just because he thinks it’s fun. He left the country to fish in Italy. Yamaguchi’s still studying, and is now a college senior.
Tsukishima, and Kageyama, as everyone knows very well-are professionally playing Volleyball.
Kageyama didn't need to speak, everyone knows what’s going on with his life because of a recent interview with the Schweiden Adlers.
“... so… has anyone been updated with Hinata’s life? like, constantly…?” Tanaka asks, feeling bad because he hasn't.
“I have, every now and then.” Daichi answers Tanaka, “He asks for advice from me sometimes, so we talk… not a lot, though. Because we’re both busy.”
“Anyone else?”
“I hang out with him a lot” Tsukishima mentions, “After practice matches, he comes over and I to his dorm, so yes, I’m updated with his life... What about you, Kageyama? I expect you to be close with him, since you two couldn't be separated before.”
“Hey…” Yamaguchi nudged Tsukishima.
“No, we didn't talk a lot.”
“Why not?”
“Do we have to…? Besides. Like Daichi said, we’re both busy.”
“That’s… disappointing.” Tsukishima lies.
“How is it disappointing? He’s got Atsumu, he doesn't need me around anymore.”
“Okay, enough…”
Kageyama sighs.
“Anyway,” Daichi feels pins poking his feet. “We should head out. Should we continue catching up and eat somewhere?”
“I'm free!”
“Sounds good.”
Everyone is set on eating out, everyone except Kageyama.
Kageyama explains that he needs to go and still has to do something.
Everyone just lets him go because they know , they know that Kageyama isn't okay. The boy leaves first and just says that they should get together again, soon. Everyone agrees to this.
Kageyama leaves the school and heads home, mind lost in the clouds.
It’s not that they drifted apart. They were just too busy. Hinata was busy getting better and training, the same with Kageyama.
That’s definitely it.
There’s nothing else to it.
Once Kageyama is home, he takes note that no one else is inside. He kicked off his shoes and went to his room to rest.
When he was finally lying down on his bed, he wanted to sleep but his eyes couldn't stay closed.
His thoughts wander, to the most recent memories of Hinata to the oldest.
He realizes that Hinata’s changed so much, over the years. He doesn't know if it's a good change, or a bad change-he’s not one to say. Especially when…
“Fuck.” Kageyama swore, hissing as he turned on his belly and buried his face into his pillows.
All he could think of was Hinata. Hinata’s smile, orange hair, umber eyes, his small body, his voice….
He hears his phone go off from his sports bag, without moving from his position, his hand fished for his mobile phone. He finds his phone and turns it on, there’s a message from Atsumu.
Miya Atsumu:
[Yo yo, Tobio]
[Ik we aren't on the best of terms but i think u should have something of shouyou’s]
[dont want to give it to u lol 🤪 but, osamu told me that you deserve?????]
[it more than me 🙄]
[what bullshit, ikr-]
[anyhoo, meet up w me if u want it. i’m visiting shou tomorrow to give him flowers.]
[im going to bring the thing w me, so if u want it, come n get it]
Kageyama's eyes sting at the sight of Atsumu’s name, but it’s different from the pain when Kageyama comes to read Hinata’s name.
He replies, “What the fuck is it?”
Miya Atsumu:
[why should i tell you lol]
[find out yourself]
[🥱🥱🥱]
One of the few things Kageyama is sure of is that he hates Atsumu. To the very core. He hates Atsumu’s very embodiment, his voice, annoying look and the way he stayed around Hinata.
Kageyama thinks that it's useless to reply to Atsumu so he doesn't, and just turns his phone off as he throws it onto his desk.
Miya Atsumu:
[i’ll be there @ 12.]
[ill see yer ass until then]
Kageyama doesn't bother to check it. Especially now when his face is back to sinking into the pillows. Kageyama clicks his tongue, he wonders what Atsumu has of Hinata’s.
What kind of relationship did they have? Is it the kind of relationship where Hinata leaves his things behind to let Atsumu keep? … something like that?
It hurts, thinking about it, so Kageyama tries to dismiss his useless thoughts. But can't, because now he’s bothered by the thing Atsumu wants to give.
He wonders if he’ll be able to sleep tonight.
Hinata’s death is something so very sudden and unexpected. To think that, the boy who was so bright, who was so full of energy-Hinata, who runs around everywhere and jumps like he could fly-would suddenly cease from existence without a word.
Everyone can't help but feel that there’s something missing, even when Hinata isn't included in their daily lives. They felt it, the emptiness that Hinata’s left behind for everyone to question.
No one really understands how Hinata died.
Was it… on purpose? or was it an accident?
There are people who say that he walked into the middle of the road without much thought.
There are people saying that a car hit him while red light.
There are people that say that he’s been struggling and just felt… like it…
There are people saying that thinking of it as something Hinata did on purpose is stupid. Because why would Hinata want to end his life? That’s finally going his way. He’s in a professional volleyball team, with people he’s already familiar with. His team’s a star and has made history in the volleyball world.
Why would Hinata want to do something like that when his life’s at the top or heading to the peak?
It’s stupid, Kageyama thinks. Why does it matter? He’s gone. Hinata can't be brought back. The pointless chatter about how Hinata died is completely stupid.
But… sure, Kageyama also wants to know how Hinata died. But he doesn't want to hear it from anyone else but Hinata, and that’s impossible. So he knows that he should just let it go.
He thinks… if Hinata really walked into traffic, why would they want to do such a thing? If they were struggling… why didn't Hinaga ask for help? Why… didn't he notice? Kageyama should've noticed.
Did Atsumu notice?
Atsumu’s been quiet.
It’s an uncomfortable silence but Kageyama doesn't want to disrupt it, after all, Atsumu’s silence is rare.
But… it bothers him.
Does Atsumu know something?
Maybe I’ll find out, maybe I wont.
Kageyama drifts off, despite his noisy thoughts.
Kageyama steps into the columbarium, making his way to the room where he knows Hinata’s ashes are resting. He checks his watch, it’s a quarter past 12.
He’s sure Atsumu doesn't mind waiting, Kageyama knows that Atsumu’s talking to Hinata now. He walks slowly, and once he arrives at the room where Hinata’s in, he peeks.
Atsumu standing in front of Hinata, a large, beautiful bouquet in his hand.
“If you felt like that, you should've told me…” Kageyama hears but that’s it, everything else is just whispers. Atsumu looks incredibly sad that it’s bothering. When Atsumu’s done talking, that’s when Kageyama decides to walk in.
Atsumu senses it, and instinctively wipes his eyes and nose.
“Oh, were you crying?” Kageyama says in his usual tone, acting dumb. “What is it that you wanted to give?”
“I wasn't.” Atsumu answers and doesn't even bother to come up with an excuse. He knows that defending himself to Kageyama is pointless. “Uh-huh.”
Atsumu fishes something from inside his bag. He takes out a medium sized journal, with a thick leather cover and a few stickers here and there. He hands it to Kageyama.
“What is it?” Kageyama asked as he takes the thing.
“It’s Shou’s diary.”
“... why are you giving me his diary?”
“I think… there are words here that are meant for you to read. That’s just not me, Bokuto and Osamu thinks so, as well.”
“You three read Hinata’s diary?”
“A bit, only until page 12 or 14. Bokuto said that it was wrong to read it.”
“What makes you think that it’s right for me?”
“Hinata mentioned you a lot. Even in little scribbles or random writing,” Atsumu looks towards Hinata, “And besides, we think it’ll give you some peace of mind.”
“... huh.” Kageyama doesn't open the textbook just yet.
“And… Hinata talked about you a lot. He would always find ways on how to include you in his daily conversations… he adores you a lot, and I'm sure you feel the same way about him. I hope… Hinata’s death doesn't taint any of your good memories of him. As well as the bad.”
Kageyama falls silent.
“And… if you two… brought the bitterness until the end, don't come to regret it, Tobio. Hinata doesn't hold any grudge towards you. At least, I know enough to say that.” Atsumu puts the bouquet into the ring and pats Kageyama’s shoulder. “He’s all yours.”
With that last state, Atsumu walks off, without saying anything else.
There’s this urge within Kageyama that he does his utmost best to ignore. The urge to pull Atsumu by the hair and slam his face into the wall.
Only because he’s the main reason why… everything happened.
It’s wrong to blame him , those words have never popped up in Kageyama’s head.
Kageyama looks at the textbook’s cover. It wasn't old, nor was it new. It was in good condition, but it’s spine was a little textured, and the most pages were obviously used because the textbook wasn't flat.
Kageyama puts the textbook into his sports bag and finally looks at Hinata.
“... ‘sup.”