Archive of Our Own ^beta

The ice feels familiar, yet strange. Dan makes two unsure steps and then starts gliding. He makes two laps, carefully, remembering the long-forgotten feeling of grace and elegance. He has music playing in his earphones,Fly by Einaudi, and the elements from his previous program come to mind automatically, as if there hasn't been all these months without skating and training and dancing. Dan fights the urge to perform something, the doctors still advise him to be careful and he hasn’t warmed-up, so he just skates in rounds, turning around sometimes and skating back.

Four or five songs in, Dan notices a man standing at the entrance to the ice rink. He doesn't recognise him, but his face seems familiar enough for Dan to realise that the stranger is a skater and not an angry ice rink worker. The person enters the rink and skates to Dan, who stops and pulls out his earphones.

"Hi there," the mans says as he stops abruptly in front of Dan. The man is smiling and Dan sighs with relief - he isn't here to rebuke him for using the ice rink in an inappropriate time.

"Hi," Dan answers and holds out his hand, "Dan Howell."

The man takes his hand and squeezes it firmly. His hands feel warm and Dan likes the feeling, but maybe that's because he's cold himself already.

"Philip Lester, but everyone calls me Phil."

Dan scans his memory for the name and he remembers reading something about Phil. A new hope for ice dance, the title said. He isn't sure though.

"You're an ice dancer, aren't you?" Dan asks and Phil nods.

"I moved from the US last year," Phil says, turning around, "Do you mind if we don’t stand in one place?"

"Sure," Dan answers and they start skating in laps again. "You don't sound American to me."

"That's because I'm not. My family moved there when I was like five or something, my dad got offered a nice place. I started skating there, first as a single, then in ice dance. My pair broke up last year and Emma's partner left so they invited me. We decided to be patriots for once."

Dan laughs.

"You broke the system," he says.

"Yeah, pretty much," Phil laughs too, "What's your story? I mean I watch news, but its always useful to hear it from the main character.”

"There is no story. I got in a car accident, broke my leg in three places and ribs in two. The doctors said I wouldn’t be able to walk. Two weeks ago the medical board allowed me to skate," Dan doesn't look up. It sounds so funny, when he says it. No emotions behind the words. No tears or anger, nothing, just words.

"Oh," Phil says and they fall silent, making another lap side by side. They start another lap when Dan realises he hasn't turned off his iPod and in the silence one can hear the bass from what seems to be Feeling Good. He reaches for the player, and as he turns it off, Phil smiles again.

"Was that Muse?"

"Yeah. I'm thinking about my short program music, and found the instrumental. One of the variants."

"You definitely should choose it,'" Phil says eagerly but then stops himself, "I mean, it's your choice anyway, but I think you will rock Muse on the ice. It will be an unforgettable comeback."

"Thank you," Dan smiles. He highly doubts that Greg will appreciate him skating to something so controversial, but it's worth trying. Who knows what that man has on his mind?

Dan glances at the clock on the iPod. Ice dancers’ training starts in less than five minutes and he should go, so he won't be fined on the first day of his official return. He turns to Phil.

"I should go," he says and Phil nods. He holds out his hand and Dan squeezes it back. Phil's hand still feels warm.

"Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too," Dan mumbles and skates towards the door. He puts on cases and walks to the changing room, when he notices a familiar mop of brown curls.

"Dan!" Emma runs on the cased skates as fast as she can, and Dan can't help but laugh. The girl hugs him tight and rests his chin on top of her head.

"I missed you, Giant," she says, when they part.

"Oh, do you say, Small! You might have visited me in hospital you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Emma averts her gaze and almost whispers, "Sorry."

"It's okay, Small. I understand. James and then a new partner, I get it,'" Dan smiles and puts a hand on Emma's shoulder. "We'll talk later, okay? I don't want to get you in trouble."

"Sure," Emma smiles and pats Dan on the shoulder as she passes to the ice rink. Dan watches her for a moment and turns to the changing room. He unlaces his skates slowly, then cleans them carefully and puts the cases back on. He has missed the routine, the skating, everything. He wants to prolong the feeling of pleasure as long as he can, so he can clasp in the hard times that are sure to come.

----------

He meets Phil and Emma again two days later. They both sit in the cafeteria, waving hands and chatting loudly. Dan has a break between the floor and ice training, and he just wanders across the base, when he hears loud chatter and laughter from the cafe. He doesn't want to go in at first - he isn't in the mood for talking - but Emma notices him and gets up.

"Hey, Giant!" She waves at him and Dan has nothing to do but sit with them.

"I have like fifteen minutes - floor just ended," he says, as he sits behind Phil. The man smiles widely and Dan can notice small crinkles around his eyes again. This guy must be smiling a lot.

"Oh, we know. We are going to choreography now," Phil says.

"So how was it? What did Greg say?"

"Nice," Dan says, tilting his head a bit, "Johnnie says I'm not that flexible as I was, but I've spent six month in plaster, what did he want?"

"Aren't they harsh on you?" Emma asks worryingly, but Dan just laughs.

"It’s good harsh, you know. I missed it."

Emma nods, smiling. Dan notices Phil tilting his head and Dan frowns.

“Something wrong?" He asks and Phil just shakes his head no.

"Don't mind him, Giant. He is often off in his own little world. He’s probably thinking about cute cats or an anime he has recently found, but doesn’t have time to watch."

“Don’t make me seem like a nerd, Emma,” Phil says, sipping from his cup, “I don’t want to be that weird guy again.”

Dan chuckles.

“Oh, but that’s alright. I watch anime too. And series. And play loads of video games. The only way to impress me is to be weird.”

“When do you have the time?” Phil raises his eyebrow and then stops himself. “Sorry, didn’t want to offend you.”

“It’s okay,” Dan smiles, ignoring Emma’s worried glance. His phone vibrates with a reminder and he stands up.

“We better get going,” he says, and Phil and Emma stand up. They leave the cafeteria, Emma walking between Dan and Phil.

"This definitely doesn’t make me feel short," she grumbles and both guys share a look. They both are pretty tall and Emma hardly reaches Phil's chin. Dan catches himself thinking about how weird it is for them to skate together with such a height difference. He hasn't seen the last season, for many reasons, and now he feels curious. He makes a mental note to look them up on YouTube.

They walk to the ballet class in silence, but it doesn't feel awkward. Dan waves goodbye  to them at the changing doors and Emma kisses him on the cheek.

“Good luck,” she says and he smiles. He shakes Phil's hand and leaves hurriedly

In the changing room, when he puts on his skates, he can't stop thinking about Phil and Emma. They fit one another, like they've known each other their whole lives.

As soon as he steps on the ice, all those thoughts are washed away. Greg is standing by the side of the rink, so Dan skates towards him. Two other skaters, juniors are already making laps.

"I won't go hard on you today, Dan," Greg says, "So just gliding today and then spins and steps."

"No jumps?"

"No. Jumps will be when John says you're ready."

Dan nods. It feels a bit strange, being unable to do something yet, being in a insufficient shape. But the doctors said to be as careful as possible, and Dan believes the coach. The unpleasant thought crawls in his mind, about letting everyone down, but he brushes it away. He can take his time and ease into being back.

-----------

The training flows in its usual routine. Dan loses track of time in countless floor and ice practices. He returns to his flat only to sleep, and he's so happy about it. For the past year, he's become so tired of it and the sudden awareness of his loneliness has been almost unbearable.

After a month, Johnnie finally lets him do the jumps on the floor and Dan has never suspected he could miss something so much. The sense of feeling weightless, flying and spinning in the air - it makes him feel infinite. Funny, how only when one loses something, one starts to miss it.

Dan’s meetings with Phil and Emma become irreplaceable part of his day. They are the only seniors training here and that unites them. That, and the amount of weird stories that Emma tells them about each other. Dan is a bit embarrassed at first, all the stories usually feature him and James, Emma's previous partner, doing the silliest things that a boy can do. He would tease single girls and climb in their changing room, joking on their elder guard Mr. Fraser and try to show off in front of their foreign guests.

But Phil laughs so sincerely and then tells the story of him trying to sneak in trainer's kitchen. They tried to keep him on a diet and he was hungry all the time, and their trainer caught him and put a lock on the fridge from that time on. Dan can’t help laughing. Phil is more open than James, friendlier, and there's no jealousy in his voice when he speaks about Emma, which can't make Dan happier. He is sick and tired of proving that they’re just friends.

In the middle of August, Greg asks Dan about the music. The first competition is at the end of September and though Dan has made a great progress, the programme always takes a lot of time. So Dan decides to follow Phil's advice and uploads everything he has found on the USB stick.

On the next day Dan, John and Greg listen to the playlist in Greg's office. It's mostly Muse acoustics and instrumentals, with additions of Clint Mansell and Alexander Desplait. Dan really wants to skate to Feeling Good - he can already see himself on ice to this music and Greg notices it with a short smile and a nod. Free programme is harder to decide on; Dan insists on Muse again - Sing For Absolution - but John isn't that sure.

“You know, they do like classic music for free programme,” he says, but Dan shrugs his shoulders.

“So what? Skate to the most boring Carmen again? I want to… I want them to remember me. It's a comeback and…”

“Okay,” Greg says, “We will try to do something with it. But promise that you won't refuse to change the music if it doesn't work.”

“Promise,” Dan nods and feels the warm feeling of happiness inside.

When he leaves the training centre, it’s almost nine. He notices Emma and Phil saying goodbye to each other. He wants to call them but stops in his tracks, when Emma turns left, hurrying somewhere. Dan hasn't been face to face with Phil during these two months and he is slightly uncomfortable with the idea, but he needs to share with someone this warmness inside.

“Hey!” Dan shouts and Phil turns around. Dan runs towards him, and Phil steps a bit forward. Dan notices his friendly smile and can't help smiling back.

“Hi Dan,” Phil says. “Is John as evil as Matt and kept you repeating the continuous fuete?”

Dan laughs and shakes his head.

“We were just choosing the music.”

“Something nice?”

“Yeah,” Dan nods, “Really nice. Muse.”

“Oh, that's really great,” Phil says,“You'll be amazing!”

“Yeah, I hope so,” Dan mumbles a bit unsure but Phil's still smiling.

“Of course you will be. Are you going this way?"

Dan nods.

“Cool!”

They walk together and Dan finds himself talking animatedly  about his plans on programme and how he can almost see the short dance already and feel how nice it is to be back on ice again. Phil smiles and nods and sometimes asks Dan something but never speaks more than two sentences. When they come to the tube station finally, Dan's ready to go down but Phil stops him.

“I still live in dorms so I'm going that way," he says and points at the high building behind the station.

“Oh… okay.”

Dan wants to ask him why he still lives there but feels too uncomfortable to do so. He realises he's been talking all the way here and doesn't want to talk more.

“See you tomorrow then,” he manages to say and then looks away. “Sorry I've been talking so much, I don't know what has come over me.”

Phil laughs shortly and shakes his head.

“It's alright, Dan," he places his hand on Dan's shoulder, “It was nice to hear you talk so honestly. To be honest, I started thinking that you don't like me very much and  - you know. You’d just ignore me. But now I know that’s not true.”

Dan doesn't know how to reply to this so he just smiles. And a second later he gasps because Phil hugs him, friendly and ensuring, and Dan realises he hugs him back. It lasts no longer than a few seconds and Phil parts, smiling.

“Good night, Dan.”

“Yeah, you too.”

Phil starts walking into darkness of dormitories but after a minute he turns back and raises his hand. Dan can bet he's smiling and raises his too. On the way home, squished between angry elders and dangerously looking teens, Dan feels happy and excited, how he only feels on ice.

John and Dan spend almost all their time inventing new dance moves and stretching - Dan is pretty sure he could never raise his leg to do a standing split but now he does it easily. John says he wants the dance to be smooth and flexible and leisured, but turns out it’s very hard not to act sharp all the time. Dan's pretty sure he will hate Muse by the end other season, but the result is worth it. Probably.

-----------

In the beginning of September, Mr. Platov, Phil and Emma's trainer, has to visit to his distant family in Russia, and they get a holiday of three days, as Matt is ill. Dan feels bad about it - not because he doesn't get much rest, but because he instantly feels lonely during lunch periods and at the end of the day. It's only three days, he calms himself, but it's still unpleasant. So when Emma asks about his plans for Friday evening, he immediately agrees on everything she suggests.

“When does your training end then?” she asks. Her voice sounds so cosy and muffled on the phone, but it's probably because she slept through the whole day.

“Seven, I think. We have ice in the evening, so I'm not sure."

“Have you already compelled everything?”

“The short one - yes, just polishing. There are some problems with the free one though.”

“What kind of problems?”

Dan hesitates, not wanting to reply and seem weak, but it's Emma. She has been there when he fell down from the simplest double Axel and never laughed at him.

“The jumps mostly. Triple ones are good, but, you know, I'm a bit scared… I don't know. I need to jump quadruples or I won't even see the top-5.”

“Don't be hard on yourself, Dan. You know, you can do it, always could. You just need time.”

Dan sighs.

“And don't sigh on me, I can hear it.”

Dan can't help laughing and presses the phone close to his ear.

“Of course, mum.”

It's Emma's turn to laugh.

“You know, you can watch my short. We will probably practice it whole tomorrow, closer to the end, so come around half past five-six. Tell me your thoughts.”

“Can Phil come too?”

“Sure.”

“See you tomorrow then,” Dan can hear Emma smile.

“Yeah, good night, Small.”

He hangs up.

The smallest hint of regret crawls into Dan's mind but he brushes it away.

“Everything will be fine,” he says to himself lightheartedly, and goes to sleep.

The next day, Dan can't stop thinking about it. He spends the whole day trying to persuade himself that it's a good idea. But the closer ice training comes, the more nervous he gets. He probably looks like shit, because when Greg notices, he can't help but grimace.

“You look awful,” he says as Dan skates towards him. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Dan replies and Greg raises his eyebrow.“No, seriously, nothing.”

“Is it about the jumps again?”

“No, no. Everything's fine, I promise.”

“Sure. Okay, go on then, five laps and then we will see.”

Dan nods and skates away.

They work on the elements first, trying to polish his spin combination to a state of perfection and Dan starts feeling a bit dizzy. He practices some jumps too - double and triple Loops mostly - and he almost forgets about Emma and Phil, when the music stops and through the sound of skates on ice Dan can clearly hear the creak of the door.

He stops instantly and turns his head. Phil and Emma don’t look at the ice, not yet, and Dan has time to skate to Greg and pretend he’s talking about something. He probably asks something silly because Greg looks behind him and then returns his glance to Dan.

“Is it your problem?”

Dan shrugs his shoulders, but it looks more like a stroke. Greg sighs a little.

“Did you invite them..?”

“Yeah, I did. I thought they could look at the short and then I felt uncomfortable, because, you know, it’s not ready yet and stuff and I want them to see it but I’m kinda scared?”

Greg looks at him and then shakes his head.

“If you can’t perform in front of your friends, how will you perform in front of the judges?”

Dan looks away and notices Emma and Phil staying at the other side of the ice rink. Emma raises her hand and he does the same.

“It’s different. I don’t know the judges, but I know them. I feel... I don’t know.”

Dan doesn’t dare to look in Greg’s eyes looks at his skates instead. Greg places hand on Dan’s shoulder.

“I’ll tell them that I don’t want them to watch the unfinished material. But you need to stop that, okay? Don’t be ashamed of yourself. If you continue acting like this, I’ll sign you up for a psychiatrist appointment."

Dan nods and Greg leaves. Dan watches him talking to Emma and Phil, and both of them nod. Phil points to the door and then on the clock – they will wait for him outside, he seems to say – Dan nods and tries to do a weak smile. They leave and Greg comes to him again, slowly moving step by step so he won’t slip.

“So now you can’t escape,” Greg says smiling and Dan smiles in a bit more confidently. “Come on, let’s go through short first, and then will think about that empty part in Absolution. I thought, maybe you can do another triple Axel?”

Dan has no time to respond because music starts playing and Greg raises his hand so sound technician would turn it off.

“Go, lazy bastard!” Greg pushes Dan playfully and Dan laughs. He feels easier and relaxed for the first time during the whole day, but a little hint of shame stays. He invited Emma and then changed his mind, and maybe she’s angry at him now.

But the music starts playing again and Dan loses himself in familiar sounds, skating as soft and smooth as he can, but sharp at the same time. He likes this programme, this music, what he does. It feels more his than any of the dances he has danced before. He’s actually feeling better.

When Greg finally lets him go, it’s around six and Dan hurries to changing room. He doesn’t want to make Phil and Emma wait even more. When he opens the door to the corridor, there’s no one there, and he feels his heart drop. They didn’t wait; they were probably late and left without him.

And then he hears something like a battle cry and someone, Emma probably, jumps on his back.

“You thought we left without you, Giant?” she asks, laughing in his ear. Emma hugs Dan’s neck and he takes her under her knees so she wouldn’t fall down. He turns around and sees Phil, laughing and covering his mouth with his hand.

“Go, my loyal steed,” Emma shouts dramatically and Dan runs to the end of the corridor. He stops in front of the closed door.

“Your loyal steed needs some help,” Dan says when Phil appears from literally nowhere and opens the door for them.

“Thank you, my knight,“ Emma says as Dan sneaks into the open door. Once outside he puts Emma down and stretches. Phil passes him his bag.

“I think, our loyal steed forgot his bag,” Phil smiles. Dan pouts and takes the backpack, putting it over his shoulders.

“How thoughtful of you, our knight,” Dan replies and they all laugh.

Dan wants to apologise for today, for the performance, but then thinks better of it. They don’t mention it and he feels too happy to think about his failures or scares. So he just goes along with it and lets it be forgotten. The evening at the cat cafe is amazing and Dan pushes his thoughts away. At least for an hour.

-----------

The Nebelhorn Trophy approaches with unbelievable speed. Dan is nervous and worried and excited at the same time – it’s been a year since he’s performed on a real competition for a real result. He’ll decide his future for this season and his future at all and this hell of a lot of pressure.

Greg starts to worry too, and it’s not obvious at first, but the closer the 26th approaches, the more he shouts at Dan and makes him redo the elements all over again. They decide to leave their programme without quadruples, for now, until Dan is more ready. His aim is to qualify for the Olympics, so he needs to get in top ten. Other things he can do later.

Dan and Phil walk together in the evening and Dan builds up courage to ask Phil to share a hotel room with him when Phil smiles, a bit embarrassed.

“Dan, I’m sorry...I’d gladly share it with you, but me and Emma aren’t going.”

Dan stops out of shock but gets himself together.

“Why so?”

“Well, we don’t need these points because, you know, we can score them somewhere else. And we already qualified for the Olympics. Fifth at Worlds and all that.”

Dan looks down and Phil places his hand on his shoulder.

“But don’t worry, we will definitely watch you. You’ll do great.”

Dan smiles and looks at Phil.

“Yeah, thank you.” Dan tries not to sound sarcastic but fails.

“No, I mean it! Muse and your skating, and your look – I’m sure you’ll be amazing!”

“Well, my point is to get in at least top 6,” Dan says, “Which I really doubt I will.”

“Hey, why so? I looked you up, you’re great! And...”

“Yeah, but that was,” Dan hums and haws, trying to find the right words. “You know, it was before the accident and leg and now, I can’t jump. Well I can, but not the quadruples and without them I’m fucked.”

“Have you fully recovered?” Phil looks worried and concerned, and Dan smiles weakly, trying to reassure him. It warms him from inside, to know that someone else cares about him. But maybe it’s just the effect Phil has on him.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. From medical point of view I’m completely healthy and can do anything I want. But it’s more... I don’t know. A psychological thing maybe?” Dan sighs. They’ve stopped in front of the tube entrance and now stand awkwardly in the way. “Like I’m not scared, but I am.”

Dan looks down and then feels a strong but gentle grip on his shoulder.

“You’ll be fine, I’m sure,” Phil says, and Dan wants to believe it. He almost does.

“Can I see you off?” Dan asks, a bit unsure. He doesn’t know why, but he really wants to talk to Phil right now.

“Yeah sure,” Phil smiles, and pats Dan’s shoulder. “It’s ten minutes from here, are you okay with a little walk?”

Dan nods and they head to the bunch of high similar grey buildings.

“Scared huh?” Phil starts again and Dan sighs a bit.

“Yeah, I mean. It’s like,” Dan has never thought that choosing the right words is so hard. “I’m afraid to fall. I’m afraid I won’t do enough. I’m afraid I will ruin my career even more.”

“Well as far as I know, your career isn’t ruined.”

“But it nearly is! I’m twenty-two, I want to perform, I want to skate, I want to be famous and successful. But now this stupid injury... My whole life could have ended because of this idiot. He did end it,in a way.” He can almost feel the anger inside him. They never found the guy who crashed into him and Dan has thought all this time that maybe if they did he could feel better. “I used to be a promising talent. Now I’m just a poor guy who is trying to come back and prove that training my whole life is worth something.”

Phil keeps silent for some time and Dan is afraid he offended him without knowing and is about to apologise, when Phil finally speaks.

“You know, Dan, my pair broke up when I was twenty-four. They all said that I was  finished as a skater, that I must go and train. And I didn’t know what to do because me and Alison, we didn’t go far in any way. And I really wanted to.”

Phil sounds unusually serious and it’s probably the first time Dan hears him talk like this.

“What happened?”

“She met the guy. She fell in love and married him. She tried to be both a figure skater and a wife, but then one day she came up to me, apologised, and said that she’s pregnant and that she won’t skate anymore.” Phil smiles, tilting his head, and turns to Dan. “Alison promised to call the baby Phil if it’s a boy. Of course it’s a girl - Betty. I went to see her and she’s very fond of Uncle Phil’s hair.”

Dan can’t help but laugh imagining a little girl tugging on Phil’s fringe.

“And then, out of nowhere, Emma and Evgenij. I was shocked and happy and, you know, I realised it’s my second chance. I don’t know what happened to Emma but I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her too. But now we are called the new Dean and Torvill and you know. It’ll get better.”

Dan looks at Phil. In the streetlight his hair has this strange yellowish glance and his pale skin looks somewhat orange. He’s smiling, rays of crinkles around his eyes. His bag is over his shoulder and he kicks it as he walks. His nose is weirdly shaped. His fringe gets in his eyes so he constantly blows it off his face. He wears skinny jeans and a red jacket. Dan has known him for almost four months now but it feels like he is seeing Phil for the first time.

They stop in front of Phil’s door and it’s a bit awkward, but not enough to make Dan completely shy.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” Phil asks. Dan shakes head.

“No, I better go home. It’s already late and Greg would kill me if I’m late again.”

Phil laughs shortly and goes in for a hug that lasts mere seconds. Dan smiles in reply.

“Bye,” he says, and turns around, when something stops him. He looks back at Phil.

“Emma... She had a partner. James. He was... He wasn’t abusive, I suppose, he really liked her, at first, I think. But then...He was acting strange. Criticising her all the time, saying unpleasant things. Then he started to miss the trainings, argue with Platov and Matt. I don’t know what got into him, nobody knows. We were all friends and I actually thought James and Emma were a perfect couple. You never know. Well, one day Platov said to him that he either stops this, or he looks for another partner for Emma. He really likes her; I think she reminds him of his daughter or something. Or he’s just smart enough. Next James said that she’s the reason they lose and Platov kicked him out.”

Phil doesn’t even look surprised. He just nods and looks at Dan.

“It was hard for Emma, I know. But it’s never easy, you know?”

“It isn’t. But it doesn’t mean it’s hopeless.” Phil says.

They hug again and Dan leaves without turning around. He feels better and worse at the same time and he can’t stop thinking about life and second chances and career and love.

When Dan finally arrives home he falls on his bed, fully clothed, and just stares at the ceiling. He makes the promise to stop blaming himself for something he can’t help, to be easier on himself. He keeps the promise till the next morning.

-----------

They take a plane to Germany on 23rd, Monday. Dan sits by the window, smiling and squeezing a Totoro plushie – a present from Phil and Emma for good luck. He tries to fall asleep but can’t – never could do this on a plane. He looks out of the window but can’t see anything. Dan closes his eyes. Last time he was on a plane to Germany was a year and a half ago. His leg was in plaster, he was in indescribable pain, he didn’t remember much apart from his mum’s face and faint sounds of the doctors’ voice. Dan shrugs trying to brush away the memory. It passed.

He’s healthy now. He’s skating now. He’s competing now.

Dan is all nervous to sign all the documents and his hand shakes slightly when he finally puts his name under participation rules. He’s 16th, that’s good, right in the middle. He can judge where he will be and judges won’t be too tired by that moment. It also means that he won’t have too much time to wait – he hates it, going around and watching the others, unable to eat or drink anything because doping tests are harsher than ever.

The ice is good as it always is in Oberstdorf. They have only two hours, really early in the morning when the ice is still smooth and untouched. Dan swears under his breath though because he doesn’t like to wake up early, and technicians certainly did something wrong because he’s literally freezing. Greg, who has been always known to be cold-resistant, stays in the warmest jacket and scarf. He looks ridiculously like a mushroom.

“Do you think I can ask Lizzie to wear gloves with my costume?” Dan asks as he skates around Greg to keep warm.

“I don’t know. She probably would kill you for ruining the concept but she will definitely listen to you. I don’t want a deduction because you touched the ice and then froze to it.”

“I don’t think it would ruin the concept though,” Dan says, stopping sharply in front of Greg. “I mean, the short programme is black and black gloves would do.”

“What are you going to do with, and I quote, “silvery magnificence with splashes of icy blue and raven black”? It’s not like she will allow it.”

Dan chuckles and skates away. Lizzie’s interest and love for her job has been a legend but this year she surpasses herself. Emma said that her dress for short dance was a masterpiece. Dan’s costumes were easier to make than a shiny 20s dress but even two simplest tricos reflect the idea of him. Most probably because they are dark and full of spiky decorations.

On the day of his first performance though, Dan damns all Lizzie’s talent and imagination. The costume is a masterpiece and Dan’s afraid to breathe so he won’t rip it, even though she has told him that it’s physically impossible. But the biggest problem is spikes on his sleeves, which he can’t take his hands off. He plays with them with his fingers without paying attention and one of them is dangerously loose already. When Lizzie notices him doing it for the third time in fifteen minutes, she hits him on the back of his head.

“Find something else to destroy, moron,” she almost hisses and Dan hides his hands. Only the costume doesn’t have pockets – obviously – and he sits with his hands on his knees as a bad pupil. He lasts for only minutes only when his hands wander to the loose spike again but he doesn’t have the time to reach it. Lizzie pushes something in his arms, soft and fluffy, and turns it over. It’s a Totoro plushie he was sure he left at the hotel room.

“Greg said you needed something as a mascot and I say you need something distract you from ruining my work. This will solve both problems,” Lizzie shrugs her shoulders and leaves the changing room. Dan hugs the plushie and presses it closer to himself. Phil and Emma are probably watching him and they will see the toy, and they will understand that he thinks of them too. Dan wants them to know it.

He doesn't know how much time he spends like this, but it feels like too little. Dan's hands shake slightly and it’s alright at first, just the excitement from competing again. But when Greg enters the room to fetch him to the ice rink, he stands up and sits again. His body's trembling so much that he literally can't stand straight for a second. Dan takes a deep breath, then another one, and another one, counting till inside his mind.

“Everything will be fine,” he says to himself, “Get your shit together, Howell, everything will be fine.”

He stands up again and this time it’s better. He's still shaking, and Greg opens his mouth to ask something, but changes his mind. Dan ignores his worried look, but he's sure Greg has noticed.

He's at the board already, ready to go on the rink, when he realises, that the toy is still in his hands. Dan turns to Greg and gives it to him.  Greg nods and takes it. They keep silent for a second and Greg finally smiles.

“Break a leg,” he says and Dan winces.

“Not funny at all,” he replies, laughing shortly. They shake hands and Dan steps on ice.

It used to be a routine. Stepping on ice, a lap or two to get used to the atmosphere and look at tribunes, then the starting position and then a loud blast of music. Dan remembers doing it thousands of times, in different countries, on different occasions, but today - today everything is new.

He looks around the stalls and takes another deep breath. There aren't many people, just the central stalls are occupied, but it's enough. Dan wants to go away and not be there at all. He glances at Greg for a second, as he passes the judges. Dan has no other choice. He stops in the middle of the rink and closes his eyes. The time goes unusually slowly and Dan can feel the fast beating of his heart. It’s mere seconds till everything begins. He nods and the music starts.

Thankfully he has chosen Feeling Good. He has listened to it thousands of times, in and out of practice sessions, he knows every single chord and if woken up in the middle of the night, he would sing it perfectly.

Dan moves sharply at first, trying to get ready for the first jump, triple Axel, and nearly falls down on landing. He surprisingly relaxes after it, and just skates. The step sequence, the jump combination, the spin combination (flying camel spin is fucked up again but Dan doesn't concentrate on it), another steps sequence, another jump and then the final sequence that Dan likes so much, accompanied with drums and guitar and the final position. The song ends thirty seconds before the original version, and Dan was upset about it initially, but now he's happy it's over.

He breathes deeply, his hair stick to his forehead and he can feel hair gel dripping down his neck. He smiles and bows, turns around and bows to another stall and skates to the exit. Greg passes him cases, and holds him by his arm as they walk to the weird black and white sofa. Dan sits but then, as if remembers that he isn’t alone, stands up and waves hand at the audience. When he finally sits down, everything seems like a miracle.

“You did great,” Greg says and passes him the Totoro toy.

“Yeah, the landing of Axel gonna be deducted,” Dan smiles tiredly. He clutches the toy in his hands and looks at it for a second. Maybe it’s a nice idea, a mascot.

“Well, the spin, flying, wasn’t good too. And the triple Loop wasn’t exactly a clean one,” Greg half hugs him and presses Dan close to himself, “But you did great. I mean it.”

They wait for a ridiculously long time on that weird sofa when the announcer, with a slight German accent, pronounces the numbers.

“The result score for Daniel Howell from Great Britain,” she makes a pause and Dan can feel his impatience growing, “He scored 61.56 and is currently in the third place.”

Dan sighs. He double checks the screen - the technical score is more than 30, more than 32 to be precise, and he can’t believe his eyes. That’s the score he had achieved many times, but that was before, and now it’s after. Even though there are at least fifteen more athletes performing after him, he’s happy to be in third place. Third place, it means something.

Greg hugs him full on and Dan laughs in his shoulder, Totoro squeezed between them. When Greg lets go and they stand up, Dan sends an air kiss to the camera - just a formality - and waves the toy in the camera. There is a round of applause, not a loud one, but still present and he holds his hand up to greet the stalls once again. Only now he realises how actually tired he is.

Dan does all his best not to fall down in the shower and gladly manages to do so. Greg is waiting for him outside, and he tries to change as fast as possible - the room is pretty cold. He folds his costume and packs the skates in his bag, when he notices his phone flashing. A text From Emma.

“Good job, Giant, keep it up <33 Phil says hi to Totoro.”

Dan smiles and puts the phone away. It’s hard not to be overwhelmed by the result, at least for now, and he lets himself do it. He replies to Emma with a triple heart emoji and quits the changing room. He feels proud of himself and he likes the feeling.

Dan really wants to say that the free programme goes easier but it doesn’t and he isn’t one to lie. It’s hard and has faults but it’s better, much better. The feeling of long forgotten comfort, of joy and confidence, doesn’t leave him this time and he comes out into the ice with a smile. It has been always hard to start for him but easy to continue.

He performs eighth this time and ends up being in the first place for some time, but he has been a skater for a long time, and knows how this works. A Japanese person performs, than a Russian and a Canadian. By the twenty-third number, he is fifth with his total score of 190.03. He prays so no one would go forward but time goes slow as a snail and Dan finds himself pacing in front of the entrance to the stalls. Greg has gone to get some coffee, when his phone rings.

“Hi,” Emma’s voice sounds cheerful and happy. Dan glances at the big round clock at the wall - it’s two, which means in Britain it’s one, which means that they have a break. Which Emma decided to spend on him.

“Hi, Small,” Dan replies and catches himself smiling, “How are you?”

“Nice, but exhausted! Matt made us go through the whole dance on the floor, including lifts and I’m so tired and we have ice and all this all over again!”

“Don’t complain,” Dan laughs, “ Phil probably has it worse than you, imagine lifting you up and down all the time.”

“Are you exhausted?” Emma asks, but her voice sounds off and it takes Dan a second to realise she isn’t asking him, but Phil, who probably sits next to her. There is no answer though.

“Well, we’re both exhausted, it only makes it worse. What if he drops me out of tiredness?”

“I’ll break his arms?” Dan asks rhetorically. Through Emma’s melodic laugh he can hear Phil’s muffled “Please don’t.”

“Anyway, Giant, we called you to check how you have been. We can’t watch, so..?.” she prolongs the last vowel in a strange manner and Dan smiles.

“I scored 128.47 and now am currently in the fifth place,” Dan says, imitating the announcer’s voice.

“That’s great!” Emma exclaims, and Dan can hear Phil asking her something. “Fifth, he is fifth,” she replies. Phil mumbles something Dan can’t make out but Emma interrupts him.

“Tell him yourself, Knight,” she says and passes the phone to Phil. He doesn’t say anything at  first, but then speaks.

“Are you fine?” he asks a bit quieter than Emma and Dan can sense the smile in his words.

“Yes, yes I am,” Dan replies. He doesn’t tell about the blinding nervousness he felt before the short programme. They don’t need to worry about him. “Oh, wait a second.”

The announcer inside says something incomprehensible and Dan comes closer to the door. It’s a Romanian boy and he just moved Dan to the sixth place.

“I’m here again, and I’m sixth now.”

“Are you good?” Phil asks and Dan can’t help squinting at the question. He doesn’t know the answer.

“Mostly, yes. I’m back and it feels great, and I’m… I’m okay. I just really hope I won’t move further than eighth. I really want to go to the Olympics.”

“You will,” Phil replies, “I’m glad you’re okay.” He falls silent but it isn’t awkward. Dan glances at the clock again when he hears noise on the phone and Emma’s voice again. Phil coughs.

“We need to go,” he says to Dan, “Wish you luck and text us please, okay?”

“Okay.” Dan replies and hangs up. He stays for a moment in an empty corridor. He doesn’t want to go to changing rooms or to the stalls.

Dan closes his eyes and tries to remember this exact moment and the phone conversation, and this overwhelming feeling of being a friend, someone who has people who care. It has never felt more acute than now.

Dan ends up being seventh and though it’s not his best result, he’s happy beyond borders. The score matters of course, but nothing can compare with the most warming words - he’s going to Sochi. He’s performing at the Olympics.

-----------

When Dan comes back, everything feels different. Something inside has changed and he doesn’t know if it’s for the better yet, but he’s glad. Greg has noticed it too and he smiles all the time and even his remarks don’t hurt this way anymore. Dan’s not sure it would last but he desperately wants it to.

Emma and Phil turn out to be of great support. They don’t even try to, Dan realises, they’re just being friends, and when one day Dan thanks them for what they do, Phil and Emma are surprised. When Emma finally realises, minutes after, she just smiles.

“We don’t do it on purpose,” she says, “It’s just feels nice to be all together. And it’s great that it helps you  fight whatever you’re fighting, but we never intended to do it specially. You’ve never talked about it.”

Phil tactfully doesn’t say a word.

They go out together almost every Saturday, when all of them have a day off, mostly to nice cafes in the centre with little to no visitors, nice black and soft sofas. They talk in whisper there and Dan isn’t sure why but feels like he needs to. Sometimes they read, half sitting half lying on the sofas, Emma’s head on Dan’s shoulder and her legs thrown on Phil’s. Sometimes they just discuss things - serious or not. Skating and films, new tricks and books and Dan has never though he could be as comfortable as he is with this two.

He and Emma grew up together. The three of them - James, Dan and Emma - often kept together, scared of seniors and determined to be better than them. They pulled jokes on everyone, boasted of new elements - at that time both Emma and James were eager to become a sport pair. Dan laughed and joked and was sarcastic, looking up to James. But one day something clicked in him, or maybe in James. It wasn’t an abstract day for Dan but he doesn’t know whether it is for Emma or James.

They were fifteen. It was a commission, a very awaited - the new, senior trainers, were to choose them. Dan performed what he could and everyone praised him and everyone was so surprised that he was so tall but had a jump, had something that made him fly. Dan didn’t like to be on sight much but that day it was good.

As it turned out James didn’t do as well. He wasn’t even tall, he was exact height for jumps, he was perfect in Dan’s opinion. But the short Russian lady watched James and Emma and then shook her head. Dan doesn’t know what exactly she said, but he knows that since then James never acted the same way. He also knows that Emma had a great future as a pair skaters but declined to have another partner. Dan has never asked whether she regrets it or not.

Dan has never asked how Phil turned out to be an ice dancer too. He decides Phil would tell himself if it’s a great story or a dramatic one, or that he won’t tell if it’s a usual one. Dan also never asks about Phil’s ex-partner or their programmes or their score. He isn’t that interested in what happened before and Phil isn’t the talkative type. He’s the smiling type. How he cares for Emma and how she trusts him is everything Dan needs to know.

Days go fast and Dan doesn’t know whether it’s a good thing or bad. It’s just routine and he falls into it easily, how he has done since he was eleven. Waking up, morning routine, tube trip for twenty-one minutes, two-hour training on the floor, stretching and all the ballet moves, a short break, another hour on the floor, lunch break, cafeteria with Phil and Emma, ice training, jumps, spins, steps, then going home, seeing Phil off to his dorm sometimes with Emma, but mostly face to face. It’s not a surprise they get along so well; they watch same movies, play the same games and listen to the same music, except for Dan’s obsession with weird pop songs and Phil’s undying love for soundtracks. When Phil tells him that they skate free dance to the “The Nightmare Before Christmas” music, Dan can’t help laughing.

“Did you choose the Fall Out Boy version?” he asks smiling. He wonders how Phil got Emma to agree to this.

“No, no. It’s a mix, like all the tunes featured. We needed to shorten it a bit, but otherwise it’s original OST. And before you ask, I didn’t persuade Emma. She said it’s a nice thing to have rhythm changes during dance. And Evgenij agreed.”

“You’re the first person I know who calls him that,” Dan says a bit distracted. Mr. Platov is a nice man, a good trainer according to Emma’s word. But his name has been a joke for years - no one could pronounce the unusual Russian name and after some time he gave up correcting everyone. Phil must have won his heart with this little gesture.

“Well, he asked me to call him that. And I thought it’s nice to call someone how they like it. Nobody calls me Philip, so I’m thankful.”

“I like how Philip sounds, so serious and you know. Powerfull.”

“But unfortunately it’s not how I am. So Phil it is. I guess you don’t like Daniel either.”

Dan just nods. They walk in silence for a bit and they’ve almost come to place when Phil starts talking again.

“You know, you can come. I mean watch the “The Nightmare”, I think you would like it. And Evgenij wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t actually know..” Dan mumbles but Phil cuts him off.

“I didn’t ask you to come tomorrow. I just said you can drop by when you have time. I don’t want you to have problems with Greg.”

“Okay,” Dan nods. “I’ll ask him. I’m not sure about it being soon but you know, if you invite.” They stop at the porch to Phil’s dorm and Phil starts looking for his keys. Dan feels slightly uncomfortable. Here comes their ritual.

“Do you want to come in for a tea or coffee?” Phil asks as usual.

“No, thank you, I’d better go home,” Dan replies as usual. They have done it at least fifty times and Dan sometimes thinks that he should agree but it turned to be a game that he likes to play. Phil nods, steps a bit forward, and hugs Dan. Dan likes this part the most.

“See you tomorrow,” he says as they part and raises his hand. Phil raises his and turns to the door. Dan leaves smiling from ear to ear.

He manages to get an extra day off from Greg only two weeks later but when he does, he immediately asks whether he can still come. Emma doesn’t mind. In fact, she’s more eager about it than anyone less and even talks to Mr. Platov herself. And so after switching and shifting the training hours, Dan finds himself sitting on the stall. He hasn’t watched the whole training - all these elements are a technical part that usually no one apart from skaters and trainers understand, so he’s there only for the last half an hour or so. Phil and Emma don’t show that they have noticed him at first, but then when passing by the stall Dan sits on, Emma nods and he knows they did.

Finally, after practicing a complicated lift which Dan is really scared about because Emma almost seems at risk of falling down at any moment, Mr. Platov raises his hand and there is a slight noise in the speakers. Phil and Emma skate to the middle of ice rink and Dan has mere seconds to take a closer look at them.

Phil's in his black training suit, black trainers and a black turtle neck. He's wearing gloves, almost like Dan's, but his have no fingers. Emma’s costume isn’t very bright either:- a black shirt and black leggings with a short skirt over them. The only bright spots in her costume are striped blue and pink gaiters. Dan recognises them instantly - it was his present on her latest birthday. He realises that he hasn't seen their performance costumes. Their tries were in different time, but Sophie, the tailor, said that Emma's costume was a work of art.

The music starts abruptly and Dan startles from the loud noise. He leans forward a bit and brings the thumb to his mouth automatically. It's a short dance, Dan realises, Emma said it was a finnstep this year so the music is upbeat and full of saxes and slightly reminds him of the Great Gatsby film.

Emma and Phil move fast and in sync, almost never parting hands, and it looks like they're dancing effortlessly on the floor. Phil is holding Emma gently but firmly at her waist and they do a lift - Dan's heart literally skips a beat because there are full three seconds when Emma doesn't touch the ground at all, Phil holding her by her waist and spinning around when Emma does a half split. Emma's fearless, everyone knows that, but with Phil she seems more comfortable than she ever looked when skating with James. Dan catches himself smiling.

The most amazing part for Dan in ice dance are twizzles. He knows it's a feature, a special trick that they've learnt, as he, for example, learned to jump, but the fact that the ice dancers do it so in sync always amazed him. Phil and Emma excite him even more - he knows it takes a really long time to adjust to your partner's tempo but they do it perfectly, as if they've skated together their whole lives.

The dance ends in a final pose with Phil holding Emma by her arms and them staring in each other's eyes, smiling and breathing heavily and Dan hardly holds back from clapping. The couple skates to Eugene and he says something, not loud so Dan can't hear. Emma stands with her arms crossed and Phil holds her loosely on her waist and nod like toys. Dan catches himself thinking that they would be a great couple, loving and happy. Surprisingly, he doesn't want to think about it longer.

They give a final nod and then skate to the centre again. Now it's the free dance, and Dan recognises music from first notes - he has watched the movie a lot. The ice couple move a bit slower, but Dan remembers that there should be a change of rhythm. From a usual slow waltz in the first part, they go over to an acrobatic version, with lifts and holds as a melodic interpretation of "This is Halloween" starts playing. They then go even faster as "What's This" plays and do twizzles and turns and then parallel steps and the music slows down again and they hold each other again.

Dan smiles lightly and can't take eyes off them, so lean and gracious. He feels envy, the weirdest and innocent kind, when you want to be good at something to show you're talented too, even though you're considered a gifted professional in something else. Dan pushes the feeling away, they are his friends after all, but still can sense the slightest hint of it.

Emma and Phil come to a stop after a bit from “Sally's Song”, holding each other by arm and Emma's head on Phil's shoulder. Two dances are so different, even by these final poses, and it seems like the skaters are different too - Dan can't explain it but he feels it.

As he got distracted,Phil and Emma have time to go away from the ice and go to the changing rooms. Mr. Platov stays still at the corner of the ice rink. Dan knows about this habit of his and he can understand the trainer completely.

Nowhere could he think as clear as on the ice. It was more or less simple here - you train, you perform and then you're judged. Dan sometimes thinks about his future and his career and his personal life. What he would do after he can't do any of it. The thoughts came more often during his injury, when he was on the edge of ending his career, and rarer now but they still haunt him, still don't leave him alone. Dan shakes his head and stands up - Emma or Phil might already be waiting for him - when Mr. Platov notices him and waves at him. Dan smiles and nods and goes down the stairs, closer to the ice rink and exit. When he comes close enough to the border, Mr. Platov calls out to him and Dan can't ignore him.

"Hi, Dan," he says. His face shows almost no emotion but Dan has known him long enough to recognise that the trainer's just tired. "How are you?"

"Nice, thank you," Dan replies. He feels a bit shy when talking with someone as important as Platov. "And you?"

"Yeah, I'm good, I'm good. As you've seen I have a nice pair, promising aren't they?"

"They are," Dan smiles.

"Better than the last one at least. Phil is better than James, yes?"

Dan falters. He doesn't know what to respond - they're different. Phil is nice and friendly and attentive, witty but his jokes aren't offensive, his smile is charming and he knows a lot apart from ice rink. James was different, he wanted to be a leader and he was him, at least between them two. It wasn't bad and it didn't feel that nice. He had been Dan's friend, Dan's childhood best friend, and even though he decided not to be anymore, he still can't make himself judge him.

His thoughts should have been reflected on his face because Platov smiled and laughed shortly.

"It was rhetorical, don't worry. I just wanted to know if you keep in touch with James actually. Check how he is. "

"No," Dan shakes his head. "I don't. I tried to call and he didn't reply so I didn't try again."

"Oh, okay. Is your leg fine?"

Dan looks down automatically and smiles lightly.

"Yeah, fine."

Platov stretches out his hand and Dan shakes it.

"Congratulations on Olympic qualification!" he says. The entrance door bangs and they both turn around on sound. Emma stands there, in jeans and a pretty T-shirt with cats all over it.

"Hey, Dan, are you going?"

"Yes, I'm coming," he says in her direction, and than to Platov. “Sorry, I…”

Platov nods and smiles, “Yes, of course.” Dan leaves his hand and rushes to Emma. She takes him by his hand and they both turn around.

"Bye!" they shout, laughing, and go into the corridor. When there, Dan sees Phil sitting on a small bench with his eyes closed and earplugs in. Emma brings her index finger to her lips and they try to move as quiet as possible. Phil is clueless even when they stand on his sides so they simultaneous place their hands on his shoulders. Phil startles and falls forward with a high-pitch squeal, his earplugs fall down. Emma and Dan laugh.

"Very funny," Phil grumbles, packing his earplugs into the pocket. Dan stretches out his hand and helps him up.

"Indeed it is," Dan replies and Phil stops frowning and smiles a bit.

"Did you like the performance?" Phil asks as they set off in the direction of exit.

"Sure I did," Dan nods. "You look so nice together, like one. Like you have been doing it your whole life.."

"Well technically we have," Emma cuts him off. She's on her phone so Dan has to seize her by her hand so she won't meet the wall.

"You know what I mean. Together. And the twizzles!"

"What about twizzles?" Phil asks with concern.

"Nothing. He's just obsessed with them, the possibility of doing something so in sync," Emma replies again without looking at them.

"I don’t mean to upset you, Dan, but pair skaters can do a lot more things in sync. Jumps and spins, so... Emma, can you please stop texting and look where you go, cause I'm really scared your next meeting with the wall might actually lead you to A&E."

"I look!" Emma exclaims and puts her phone in the bag.

"Seriously? Cause I think it's Dan who's doing it for you."

Dan watches them without a word, smiling.

"You're such a cute couple," he says without realising. Phil stops for a second and then laughs. Emma makes a weird face.

“We are not,” Phil says, “Hasn’t Emma told you about the mysterious person?”

Emma elbows Phil and he jokingly holds his ribs.

“They aren’t a mystery or anything,” she says to Dan, “I’m just not sure whether it will work out or not so I didn’t want to…”

“Emma, it’s alright,” Dan says, placing his hand on her shoulder, “I know you would’ve told me. I’m not mad or anything.”

Phil smiles and holds the door for them. It’s mid-November so weather is pretty cold and Dan, even though in a warm jacket, shivers.

Emma leaves them at the front gate as usual, smiling at her phone. Dan and Phil walk to the tube station in silence, interrupted by occasional phrases. Dan doesn't even register how he automatically turns to Phil's house - it has became a habit to see Phil almost every time. The silence doesn't make him feel awkward or want to fill it. It's comfortable, and Phil probably shares the feeling because he starts whistling some unknown melody. Dan wants to ask about it at first but then thinks against it.

When they come to the door, they stop and Phil turns so they're facing each other.

"Do you want to come by for a tea?" He asks, smiling widely. Dan smiles but shakes his head. Phil leans in for a hug and Dan responds to it, raising his arms a little.

“See you tomorrow,” Phil says and turns around. Dan walks away but mid-way turns around and sees Phil still struggling with an electronic lock - they always malfunction in cold weather. Finally Phil wins and opens the door and then turns in Dan’s direction and waves at him. Dan raises his hand and turns back. He smiles all the way on the tube.

When home, he makes himself a large cup of tea, heats the chicken from yesterday, and sits down in front of the computer. He usually watches TV shows or animes while eating but today he just browses Youtube for some funny videos. However in half an hour it bores him so he just eats and stares at the starting Google page. One of the windows is his fan-site - it still lives and blossoms. Dan decides against going there - last time he did he found a bunch of articles that weren’t exactly flattering and though his fans protect him like lions, it still hurts to read any critique when it comes from a journalist. Greg even banned him from all the sports news sites for a while. Instead he ends up going to Wikipedia - his page is hilarious and he still can't believe he has one - when he realises he has wanted to do something for a while.

Phil’s page is as funny to him as his own is. He was born on 30th January, he’s 26, performing for Great Britain, used to perform for the US. The photo is them with Emma standing on pedestal, golden medals and flowers in their hands - it must be from last year’s nationals. Phil’s bio isn’t long and Dan already knows it all - the life in the USA, his previous partner, Alison Parks, and moving to the UK, and then a list of his achievements. Dan looks through them and frowns - with Alison there are mostly second places or lower, once - a first one, at Nebelhorn Trophy four years ago. Phil has never spoken about his career in this way, how successful he was or what he has won, but Dan always assumed he wasn’t that cool. But being second in the USA was a lot and judging by scores the difference was minimal. White and Davis were just a bit more lucky.

There is a list of music to all the programmes Phil ever did and Dan is curious, because he can't imagine Phil and Emma skating Yankee Polka. So he goes to Youtube and looks for it and he doesn’t regret it for a second. The video is long enough for him to see how they skate a lap and they stand in the starting pose. Phil’s wearing a white shirt and green trousers with braces and Emma’s in the puffed polka dot dress. They start off facing each other, staring lovingly at each other and smiling. Phil says something to Emma and she nods and then the music starts playing. It’s fast and energetic, the kind which makes you want to dance to it, and their dance is quick. Dan notices that they’re smiling - it’s often required of the dancers, but with Phil and Emma and feels like they’re not even straining themselves. Dan can’t take his eyes off. They finish with Emma pecking Phil on the cheek and for a second looks so flustered Dan gives out a laugh.

He browses through all videos with Phil that are on YouTube - there aren’t many, thirteen performance and five or six small interviews, where he bends a bit because Phil on skates is enormously tall. They are all the same - are they content with the results, how the ice was, were their expectations met - Dan’s asked all the same questions. He doesn’t google a fan-site of Phil, there sure must be one though, and it probably would be the same to his.

He closes his laptop and looks at the clock - no matter how hard he wants to stay up a bit, he must get up at six tomorrow, so Dan tidies the kitchen and goes to bed. As he brushes his teeth, the polka from Phil and Emma’s dance comes to his mind and he dances to the music in his head.

Dan can’t stop smiling - he has been feeling real great and he doesn’t want to forget in the morning. The happiness is overwhelming and he desperately needs to share, so he does first thing that comes to his mind - text Phil and compliment him. The answer doesn’t come, and Dan starts panicking a bit, regretting the text. Thankfully the warmness of the bed does what it’s meant to do and he drifts off, not having time to send an apologising text. Next morning he wakes up to a new text from Phil.

Thanks! You’re a great skater too! And this really means a lot from you ;)

Dan’s morning transitions from just "morning" to "good morning".

-----------

Dan jumps his first quad, a Salchow, three weeks prior to British Nationals. Greg doesn't insist on his trying and John doesn't push - Dan suspects they were warned by extra nervous doctors that are sure that he would breakdown at any moment. He doesn't say anything though. He just asks John to practice jumps more and probably go for a quad - he ignores John's concerned looks. It takes him two days to remember the techniques and finally do the jump perfectly on the floor. He keeps it a secret from Phil and Emma though; he wants to make a surprise.

Greg has the same concerned look when Dan says about his wish to try a quad.

"Have you spoken to John?" He asks, and Dan nods eagerly and Greg realises that it's useless to talk him out if it. Dan has always been pretty stubborn, especially when it comes to skating. So the whole afternoon practice Dan spends polishing the elements and from time to time attempting the difficult jump. He manages to do one at the end of the training - the entrance is pretty messy, but Dan lands correctly and doesn't lose his balance. He has done it and he's proud of himself. He practically can't contain himself so he sings loudly in the shower, and then comes out, walking in a dancing gait. He's still surprised to see Phil waiting for him, but this only improves his mood. Phil takes out the earplugs and smiles - Dan notices his smallest sunny eye wrinkles.

"You're so happy today," Phil says, "That's good. Emma said she has a date today so I guess it's just a day of happiness."

"Do you have something happy as well?" Dan asks, putting a beanie on his curls.

"Well if Chinese take away and video games count, yes," Phil replies and Dan smiles at his answer. "Please tell me you have something happier to share."

"I jumped a quadruple Salchow," Dan opens the front door and holds it open for Phil, who forgets to do it so it bangs loudly. "I've practiced it on the floor for some days and Greg finally let me do it for real and yay! I did it. Not that clean though, but I'll work on that."

"Congrats!" Phil exclaims, "That's huge! Like really really cool! I'm happy for you... Can I hug you?"

Dan nods, surprised, because Phil never asks for permission to do it. He feels warm and Phil presses him close. Phil smells of something minty and fruity, and it's the most pleasant smell Dan has ever smelled. They part and Phil pats Dan on the shoulder.

"I knew you could do it," he says, "You're a very talented skater, you will show them all."

"Thanks," Dan replies. He prays so he isn't blushing. He wants to scream from joy and happiness that overwhelm him.

They walk to the tube as usual when Phil says he needs to get somewhere, so they end up riding the tube together. There are no free places so they stay in the corner, and Dan loses balance every time the train does a turn or stop. On the fourth attempt to fall, Phil seizes him by his arm and steadies him. Dan feels much less shaky now and they exchange smiles. Dan needs to leave earlier to change the lines, so he goes in for a hug and then rushes for the doors that are about to close.

When on the platform, he turns around and waves at Phil who looks a bit startled but glad. Only on the next train Dan realises that it was the first hug he initiated, and he's proud of himself. He's changing for the better.

A week before Nationals, everyone is rushing and hurrying, the applications are checked, the drug tests are run and the trainers become evil monsters that torture you until you perform a programme perfectly. Dan literally crawls out of training but he realises that Emma and Phil have it much worse than him - it seems like they're going to fall asleep at any second.

"I really wish the Nationals already started," Phil says. It's the first time Dan sees him drinking coffee so he must be really worn out. "They let us sleep and rest all we want."

Dan just nods. Emma is so tired she doesn't even text.

"Do you know where we stay?" Dan asks and phil shrugs his shoulders.

"Probably at Sheffield Marriott, as usual," Emma mumbles. She lays her head down on her arms, outstretched on top of the table. Phil closes his eyes and leans back on the chair. Dan follows his example.

He doesn't know when he actually falls asleep, but Greg shakes him by his shoulder. Dan's startled at first and tries to get up but Greg pushes him back. He looks around and sees that Phil and Emma are fast asleep.

"We decided to give you some rest," Greg whispers, "Can you tell them too?"

Dan nods, still half asleep. He lightly touches Phil on the shoulder and he wakes up instantly.

"We can have a rest today," Dan says in a low voice.

"Says who?"

"Says the trainers. I think they're scared to be left without any skaters so they decided to loosen up a bit."

Phil nods. His hair is all muffled and he's clearly not completely awake. He looks at Emma, "Do you think we should wake her up?"

"It would be unfair. I'll call a taxi and go with her - I have extra keys."

Phil nods again and they get up, trying to not make noise but it's all the same for Emma. Dan goes out to make a call and comes back. The taxi will arrive in less five minutes. Dan makes a move towards Emma but Phil's closer so he takes her in his arms. Dan opens the doors for them.

The car is already waiting. The driver - a middle-aged man with a cap - opens the door, and Phil puts Emma in the car. They half hug with Dan, who’s holding Emma’s and his jackets in his arms, before he gets in the car. Dan can see in the back rear window how Phil sets off in the opposite direction, his earplugs in. He names the address and closes his eyes, falling asleep against the window. He only wakes up when the cab pulls in front of Emma’s porch. Dan turns at the taxi driver, who is kindly smiling.

“You must work real hard,” the driver says, and Dan just nods. He finds his wallet in the inside pocket of the coat and leaves a large tip for the driver. Dan takes Emma in his arms, and she muffles something incomprehensible against his shoulder. Only at the door he realises that he has no keys. His only hope is that Emma’s mum is home. He knocks on the door with his foot and waits, praying. Emma in his arms shifts a little and sighs. The door finally opens and Dan smiles at Emma’s mum.

“Hello, Mrs. Melton,” he says to her. “We got a day off, and we didn’t want to wake Emma up, so here we are.”

“Hi, Dan, yes, sure, come in,” Mrs. Melton smiles, although she is a bit confused,and makes way for Dan. He walks straight to her room and places her on the bed. Emma mutters something and turns in her sleep, and Dan covers her with a duvet, wondering how one can be such a heavy sleeper.

“Is she okay?” Mrs. Melton asks him as he closes the door behind him.

“Yes, she’s fine. Just tired,” he says. “Me and Phil decided that it’s better not to wake her up.”

Mrs. Melton nods, “Do you want a cup of tea?”

“No, no,” Dan shakes his head. He’s a bit uncomfortable face to face with Emma’s mum without Emma actually being there so he just smiles and tugs on the long sleeves of his shirt. “I’ll go home and sleep.”

“Sure,” Mrs. Melton smiles, “Do you want to call a taxi?”

“No, no, I’d go on tube. Goodbye, Mrs. Melton.”

“Bye, Dan. Good luck,” she says and closes the door. He walks to the tube station in silence, not even taking his iPod out.

When inside, he nearly falls asleep on the tube, but years of travelling by this route ensure that he wakes precisely before his station. At home he doesn’t even bother to take off all his clothes properly. He just lays down on the bed and falls asleep instantly.

He wakes up real late in the evening, around eight or nine. He checks his phone and there are almost fifteen texts - all are from Phil except for one from Emma. He opens her text first.

Thank you, Giant <3

All texts from Phil express worry and care - he asks whether he got home safe and if he is okay and Dan can’t help smiling. As he texts Phil that he’s okay, he can’t decide whether he should put an emoji of any kind at the end, but decides against it. In five minutes he falls back asleep.

-----------

The Nationals are held in Sheffield and for Dan it’s great - he feels like he’s coming home. They’ve competed there for ages; the stuff at the local hotel probably recognises them all and Dan’s just happy to come back to the ice there.

The championship only takes two days, Friday and Saturday, and Dan is a bit disappointed about it. He likes Sheffield and he would like to stay away from his house a bit longer. Probably the idea to change his flat isn’t that bad.

He doesn’t see Emma or Phil before the Lunch break on Friday - practices are organised in a very practical but slightly inconvenient for meetings way. Dan ends up being alone and keeping silent - he doesn’t know any of his fellow competitors, and most of them are so seriously looking that he’s basically just afraid.

At the lunch he sits alone at first but then Phil and Emma sit with him.

“I feel like I’m really unprofessional,” Dan says as he starts pecking at the mousse. “Like they’re all serious and nod at their trainers, and I’m telling Greg stupid jokes.”

Phil licks the spoon. “Well, Emma just learnt how to say “lazy fools” in Russian from our trainer, so I think you are not the only one.”

Dan laughs and Emma elbows Phil.

“Would you watch us?” she asks Dan. “Would be great if you did.”

“Well if Greg doesn’t have anything against it, so I’ll definitely come. I haven’t seen your costumes yet.”

“Mine is boring,” Phil says. “Black vest and trousers and a white shirt.”

“You still look pretty hot in these,” Emma says and Dan notices how Phil’s ears redden a bit.

“What’s yours?” Dan asks her, but she just smiles.

“You’ll need to see for yourself, but it’s so nice. I wish I could wear it at parties!”

It’s Dan’s turn to smile.

“Okay, I’ll try.”

Phil licks the spoon again and Dan turns away because it makes him a bit uncomfortable. Emma raises her eyebrows but says nothing.

“What time do you start?” Dan asks.

“Three in the afternoon. We can watch children if you want.”

“Or practise on the floor,” Phil says. “We really need to practise that lift because I’m kinda afraid I’ll drop you.”

“I’ll go watch the future talents then,” Dan says. “John said that if he sees me training he will kill me.”

“We should probably ask Matt too,” Emma says and Phil smiles.

“Okay, we won’t strain anymore,” he says. “Let’s watch the future.”

The stalls are far from full and they easily find good places. Phil sits in between Dan and Emma and Dan can feel the warmness from him. The children are pretty impressive - Dan especially likes brother and sister Linden - they look like him and Emma, brown hair and brown eyes and she has nice brown curls. Phil points something out to Emma, something technical about the dance, but Dan can’t hear it. He turns around and sees Matt coming down to their place.

“You should come for floor warm-up,” he says and Phil and Emma get up. They wave hands at Dan and he nods. The siblings got on the third place, and the brother places hand on his sister’s shoulder, probably to encourage her. Dan smiles to himself.

Dan almost goes into a trance, without realising what’s actually happening on the ice. He doesn’t even think about anything in particular. Finally there is an Ice Surface and the lady from the speakers announces the Junior and Senior Dance section. Dan looks at the clock and realises that he won’t probably get the chance to watch Phil and Emma. But if John needs him, he will find him, so Dan decides to stay till he’s actually called down.

They perform one of the first among seniors and Dan sighs, relaxed, because he already has a missed call from John. Phil guides Emma by hand, and they move really gracefully, even more than on the training. They act like they know they’re the best or among the best. Emma’s dress is actually a masterpiece - dark blue flying dress in 1920s style, it’s covered with embellishments that glitter under the light of the lamps. Her hair is pulled in a fancy looking up do with a blue headset decorated with feathers. Emma looks like a woman straight out of pictures from the 1920s, and Dan can’t look away from her. Phil beside her is wearing a simple costume - just like he said, a black vest, a white shirt and black trousers. The sleeves of the shirt are short, so one could see Phil’s strong arms. They make a visually pleasing couple, and Dan makes a promise to find official photos of them and print them out to always remember their characters.

They skate perfectly and Dan notices a few additions to the programme - a new lift and a step sequence. They get all the applause the crowd can offer and there are even some soft toys flying on the ice. Dan smiles - to Sheffield come only fans of figure skating and it’s always nice to know that some people bought this exact toy to present it to certain skaters. They get 72.33 and Dan finally goes down to the practice room - he only has an hour and a half.

There are a lot of people in practising rooms and Dan notices Karly and nods to her. She smiles and nods to him too. When he gets to the warming up she already does some elements. He practises by the barre, when she comes up to him.

“Back on track?” she asks, smiling.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Dan smiles back.

“Break a leg then,” she stops and covers her mouth with the hand. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I got used to it,” Dan laughs and puts his left leg down from the barre. “Rock the ice,” he says smiling.

“Sure,” she says and leaves as soon as John comes up to him.

“You know that I don’t appreciate your talking with her,” he says, following Karly with his glance.

“It was long ago and untrue,” Dan says.

He and Karly had a thing when they were nineteen but it ended without even starting - they went on a fourth date when Dan suddenly realised it was pointless, which is what he straight forwardly told Karly. The only remains of this almost-relationship were photos of them holding hands and their warm relation to each other.

He performs fourth - a lot of waiting, but Lizzie takes extra time putting his costume in order. He stands in front of the line, still under the stalls, the Totoro clutched in his hands. He can’t wait to get on ice, he’s radiating with excitement and when he’s finally there, he smiles.

It’s at the same time, similar and different to Nebelhorn performance. He’s nervous but not to the shaking state, he can see the stalls and even wave a little, he can feel excitement in his blood, good one, like he used to feel before. It’s a sick thought that crosses his mind but he doesn’t fixate on it. He just dances, performs like there’s nothing else in the world. He scores 80.62 and he hasn’t felt this good in a long time.

Dan gets to his room at seven and he’s surprisingly tired and sleepy. His phone rings twice, but he decides to ignore it - his mum and grandmother have already called, excited and cheering. He goes straight to the shower - showering in the changing room makes him uncomfortable, no matter how many times he has already done this. He spends at least half an hour inside, his strained muscles relaxing and Dan can feel tiredness washed away.

He lies down on the bed with his laptop, when the phone rings again. He sighs loudly and reaches for his bag to find his phone. He’s nearly found it when the ringing stops and Dan checks the ID. It’s Phil and Dan smiles, calling him back.

“Hey, congrats!” Phil replies cheerfully, and Dan can hear some music playing in the background. He’s probably out, Dan thinks. “We saw your performance and it was great!”

“Yeah, I saw yours too, you’re amazing,” Dan says, smiling to himself. “And costumes were fine. Emma was right, you know, about yours.”

Phil coughs on the other end and Dan remembers how his ears redden when he’s ashamed. Dan laughs shortly.

“Are you out?” Dan asks.

“No, no,” Phil says and the music turns off. “I was just listening to music, I’m sorry if that was too loud.”

“So you are in the room, too?”

“Yeah, I am. Want to come over and maybe play something? I have Monopoly Travel.”

Dan pauses, thinking. He looks at the wall, as if embarrassed, even though he knows Phil can’t see him now, “Sorry, but not today. I’m too tired and I…”

“It’s okay,” Phil says. Dan tries to find disappointment in his voice but fails, “I get it. You should get some rest before tomorrow. Have a good evening then!”

“Yeah, yeah, you too. Good luck tomorrow,” Dan replies.

“Good luck to you too.”

Dan is reluctant to hang up and it seems that Phil is too. Dan listens to his breathing for three seconds, so he won’t seem too creepy and hangs up finally. He gets back to his laptop, when he sees his gleeful smile in the dark screen. Dan smiles even wider.

Next day is no different from the previous one - the floor practice and then on ice, and lunch with Phil and Emma. In the cafeteria Dan notices Karly with the corner of his eye and she is about to sit with them, but Jenna and another male skater, Harry, it seems, ask her to sit with them and Dan catches himself feeling relieved. Phil follows his sight and raises his eyebrows at Emma, who just shakes her head. Dan says nothing.

They part with Phil and Emma and Dan goes down to the practice hall for warming up. He doesn’t look around at other competitors, but he can feel their looks, angry, slightly arrogant. That’s the part Dan can never get used to so he just tries to ignore it. He’s performing last, the sixth so he just sits under the stalls, waiting for his turn with Totoro in his arms. Greg laughs shortly when he notices him - Dan looks a bit childish with a plushy in his arms. Finally it’s his turn and he passes the toy to Greg, who places it on the border of the ice rink. Dan skates to the middle and takes the starting pose. He closes his eyes and starts.

The programme is perfectly balanced and since he can do quads now, it looks perfect. The music flows swiftly and Dan can remember all the words to the song and he smiles. The step sequence, his pride and joy, turns out well and there might be a round of applause. Dan doesn’t focus on elements, he just dances, and there goes a spin combination, flying camel spin with a change of blade, and then there should be a jump combination, double and quadruple toe loops, and Dan goes on the first jump and lands, and then quadruple, and he already touches the ground, when his weight shifts and he knows it. He fails the landing, falling down on his butt, and less than a second pass before he realises what’s happened.

Dan gets up and continues; he can’t give up now. But now every move is hard and difficult and his triple loop probably has a deduction and a choreographic sequence loses its level because he doesn’t do the last few steps. The music seems to shift and Dan’s out of tune, doing everything slightly late but it feels like he won’t have time to finish properly. The music turns into cacophony, too loud and it hurts to listen to it. It also hurts to move a bit and it’s his left hip, the broken one, and he squints because he can’t be out now, not this year. The music finally stops and his final posture is blurred and clumsy. He can feel his heavy breathing, trying to keep calm. He doesn’t bow, he just turns around and waves weakly. His hip aches but he tries not to show it. Greg passes him cases and helps him go out. Greg holds him by his shoulder, but says nothing. They sit on the sofa and Greg pushes Totoro in Dan’s hands. Dan clutches his teeth and looks at the information board, ignoring the camera.

“Are you alright?” Greg asks and Dan nods.

“Don’t lie to me, okay? How is your hip?” Greg continues. Dan shrugs his shoulders.

“Please talk to me,” Greg says, but Dan shakes his head. He needs to know the results, he probably failed miserably and lost his chance at the Olympics, the one he hoped so much for.

“The result score for Daniel Howell for free programme is 113.61, and with total score of 194.23 is currently in the first place.”

Greg shakes him by his shoulder and smile but Dan can’t make himself to be happy. He fell down and his hip is hurt; he isn’t worth this first place, he isn’t worth it and this thought is pulsating in his mind in rhythm with the pain.

Dan gets up to wave a bit and then hurries into the changing room. Greg runs after him and seizes him by his arm.

“Dan, it’s alright, please calm down. You did great!”

“I got three point deduction and a failed jump combination,” Dan says quietly. He looks away from Greg, he can’t make himself to look up. “No matter what place I got, I failed. I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I’ll just…”

Dan wants to say something, but can’t find words. He releases himself from Greg’s grip and angrily walks into the changing room. He doesn’t take a shower even though he’s all sweaty and damp and angry but despite his wish to tear something apart, he folds his costume neatly and wipes ice from his skates. Dan checks his hip - a large bruise blossoms there and he pushes it and flinches out of pain. He needs to go to the medical board.

The doctor says it’s okay and nothing serious. He prescribes some medicine and Dan double checks so it won’t show up in his doping test. He hates doctors but also feels grateful. The pain subsided and it’s probably just a bruise, nothing serious.

Dan comes to the hotel room and gets in the bathroom. He still needs to calm down after this waves of fear that almost consumed him whole. He looks in the mirror and forces himself to smile - he has won, he’s first, he has a lot of chances to go to the Olympics - but it’s crooked and Dan looks down. He gets in the shower and he’s on the verge of crying - how could he forget he isn’t perfect, he isn’t ideal? The committee would probably choose someone over him - his stupid rule about season points and final decision - they don’t need a former injuree, who tries to perform the most difficult programme and fails, they don’t need shame. And that’s exactly what he is..

Dan can hear his phone ringing and then his hotel phone ringing, but he doesn’t bother coming out. He should perform at Gala today, but he’s officially injured, even though not that serious, but he can still have a rest. He comes out after what feels like hours. He looks at the clock - six o’clock - it was nearly forty minutes. He gets out his phone, there are five missed calls already, but he turns it off without even checking from whom they are. He unplugs his hotel phone too, closes the curtains and climbs under the blanket. Dan closes his eyes; nervous thought and exhaustion has its effect and he falls asleep.

The next morning he takes the first train, telling Greg that he’s got an injury - he doesn’t say how serious it is - and that he won’t attend to some trainings. Greg can’t say anything comprehensible as it is six in the morning.

When Dan gets home he first of calls his grandmother. She’s worried about him, she can feel something is wrong but he reassures her that everything is fine. She isn’t one to trick but Dan hopes that he managed. He then calls his mum and repeats his speech. He looks at four missed from Phil and three from Emma and decides against calling them, he doesn’t want to bother them.

-----------

Dan does nothing. He plays video games and reads and learns new songs on the guitar but most of the time he just thinks about his performance and his future and he downloads the video to analyse it and he watches so many times he can knows it by heart. But the most awful thing he does to himself is to go to the sports news sites and read the comments. Greg has banned him from doing so long ago, but now there’s no one to listen to and he’s self-reproaching. There are lots of comments, and there are less good ones than bad ones and they hurt but Dan think he deserves it.

Greg gives up calling on the second day of official training week. Dan replies to no one and he has at least a hundred texts from Phil and Emma. He doesn’t want to talk to them. They’re good and perfect and they don’t fall and they will definitely go onto Olympics and win medals, probably even gold medals, and he’s nothing compared to them, He doesn’t want their pity, or friendship for that matter, because no matter what he will feel this green envy that almost swallows him whole.

It’s evening of December 11th, the third day of his improvised holiday or desertion. Dan watches a TV show, something incredibly boring and predictable but ridiculously addictive, when his doorbell rings. He doesn’t want to answer it but the person ringing is insistent. He gets up, walks to the door and opens it.

It’s Phil. His cheeks are pink from the cold, he wears a black coat, that makes his pale skin really stand out and he has a large training bag, which means he’s just come from the training. He feels like the creature from another world and Dan can’t say a word.

“Hey,” Phil says. “You were missing trainings and you didn’t answer any of your phones and… I was just really worried and decided to call on. Emma wanted to come to but she’s busy.”

Dan just looks at him and he doesn’t know what to say.

“May I come in?” Phil asks. He’s a bit nervous, it seems, and Dan gives him a weak smile.

“Yes, sure.”

He makes the way for him and stands in the corridor, startled. Phil takes off his coat and Dan hangs it in the wardrobe and takes out the slippers. Phil just shakes his head, “Do you mind if I go around in socks?”

“No, it’s alright,” Dan automatically looks down and them and holds back a laugh - they’re of different colour with some bright weird design. Phil notices his look and moves his toes, “I’m proud of my sock choice.”

“Do you want tea or coffee or something?” Dan asks.

“I wouldn’t decline a cup of coffee,” Phil replies in his cheerful manner and they both walk to Dan’s tiny kitchen. Phil sits down on the further seat and stretches out his legs. They keep silent while the water boils but Phil clearly wants to talk and Dan desperately tries to avoid it. finally the coffee is ready and Dan sits down too, face to face with Phil.

Phil takes a sip and places the mug on the table, “We were worried, you know. You could have at least texted.”

Dan looks away, “Yes, I know. I’m sorry I just…”

“You don’t have to explain,” Phil says, “I, we, saw the performance and I know why you’re so upset, but I just wanted to say that it’s okay. Everyone fails.”

“Not you,” Dan spits out. The anger overwhelms him so he can feel it boiling inside. That’s why he didn’t want to talk to them. They would say pointless words that never help.

“Me too. I once dropped Alison from an upper lift during World Championship. We were fifth and after it got disqualified. She lost consciousness on the ice,” Phil speaks calmly and sips from the mug again. “And trust me, it happens to everyone. It’s alright, it’s part of our life. You can’t be perfect.”
“I know. But I’m not even good,” Phil looks at him. Dan instantly looks away.

“You are, Dan, you are.”

Dan keeps silent. Phil makes a noisy gulp and finishes his coffee.

“Do you have any plans today?” he asks and Dan shakes his head.“I want to take you out. Something tells me you haven’t been outside in a week or so and you can use some fresh air.”

Dan considers the offer for some time. Phil actually is right - he hasn’t been outside and it’d probably do him good. And it’s time with Phil, whom he kinda missed. But going out might also turn into inspirational speeches and he doesn’t want it at all.

“Where will we go?” he asks, getting up and heading for his room. Phil follows him.

“To the Winter Wonderland in Hyde park,” Dan turns around and looks a bit sceptical at Phil. “What? I haven’t been there and I want to look at it. I’m also incredibly excited about Christmas.”

Dan chooses his warmest socks and takes out a scarf out of his closet. Phil dresses next to him and takes his bag on the shoulder.

Dan lives not that far from the centre but it takes them good twenty minutes to get to Hyde Park. On the way Phil tells him about his week off that he spent with his family in Florida and how it’s still warm over there and how he got a bit tanned but mostly sunburnt. It’s difficult to fall back in his comfort zone with Phil at first but with every minute it gets easier and easier, and when they go out Marble Arch station Dan’s already laughing at Phil’s encounter with another strange couple.

It’s pretty late and Hyde Park looks wonderful - the trees are all decorated with Christmas lights and glitter and though green grass makes a weird contrast, it still has a very festive touch to it. They enter it and even the smell is Christmassy - street food and sweets and spices. They just wander at first pointing at different attractions but mostly just talking and joking. Dan feels slightly better and he thinks about breaking his regime and eating something incredibly greasy and junky. Phil buys them french fries and coke and they eat it on the bench next to the wheel and Dan feels comfortable enough to steal some of Phil’s ketchup. They make one more lap around and then Phil seizes him by his arm and drags him to the queue and Dan doesn’t see what it is until they get to the front. The ice rink.

Phil looks at Dan attentively but he doesn't show any signs of irritation even though he isn't that happy about it.

"Why are we here?" Dan asks, looking around.

"When was the last time you went to a public ice rink?" Phil replies. Dan shrugs his shoulders, he doesn't know. The ice rink is a synonym for work, for trainings and responsibility.

"Probably when I was seven or something."

"That's a great mistake. You can forget how fun it is."

Dan says nothing. Phil, in spite of Dan arguing that he can pay for himself, buys them tickets, when it hits him that he has no skates.

"Don't worry, we will take them from the hire," Phil replies when Dan voices his thought. "And to be equal I'll take a pair too."

It occurred to Dan that Phil is right after training and he's probably tired but despite this, he's walking around with Dan. That makes him smile..

"Are you sure you will manage another hour on ice?" He asks Phil and Phil nods.

"It's not the same, you'll see."

There's almost no one at the hiring point and they actually have skates for their huge feet. The ice rink is crowded though, teenagers playing tag and couples holding hands and small children with their parents. Phil steps on the ice first and then stretches out his hand for Dan. He has no gloves, neither does Dan, but Phil’s hand is warm and soft and Dan clutches onto it. They skate at least two laps hand in hand until Dan needs to retie his skates and realises the awkwardness of releasing his hand, even though Phil doesn't seem to mind.

They skate to the section with banks and Dan hobbles to the nearest one so he could rearrange his skate. Phil stays on the ice, leaning on the border. Finally Dan’s battle with the strange skates is won and he stands up, when he notices Phil getting on the floor too. He already opens his mouth to say that he's alright when Dan sees that Phil doesn't walk up to him.

On the bank next to him sits a boy, blue puffy coat and a blue hat with a pompon. He's ten or so, and he looks down, from time to time raising his head to the rink. He looks sad and lost.

Phil squats down in front of him and says something quietly. He waves his hand and Dan comes closer.

"Jeremy," the boy mutters, his head still down low.

"I'm Phil and this is Dan," Phil points at Dan who feels slightly uncomfortable, "Are you lost?"

Jeremy shakes his head so actively that it seems that it fall off. He points at the rink.

"Mum is there. She's with my sister."

"Why aren't you with them?" Phil asks.

"I... I can't. Well, I can, but I'm a bit scared and mum said she doesn't want to push me so I just sit and watch."

"And why are you scared?" Dan sits down next to him.

"Mary, my sister, fell down and broke her leg last year. We were here too and she was playing and stuff and then she just fell and the she couldn’t get up and we called ambulance and she had a broken leg. I don’t want to break a leg.”

Dan bites his lip. The boy, Jeremy, is so touching and Dan can’t help but to help him. He looks at Phil and he nods. Phil gets up and smiles.

“Do you want us to skate with you? We will both hold you, and you won’t fall and if you try we will catch you.”

Jeremy glances up, “Will you?”

“Sure,” Phil replies, “Me and Dan skate really good.”

“I need to ask mum first,” Jeremy says. “What if you are dangerous?”

“I promise we’re nice. Wouldn’t hurt a butterfly,” Dan says, smirking.

“I’ll ask her myself, if it’s okay,” Phil says and Jeremy nods, “Which one is her?”

“In the pink jacket,” Jeremy says. Phil nods and steps on ice. He moves swiftly and fast, manoeuvring and basically showing off. Dan watches him stop sharply in front of the woman in pink jacket and speak to her and then pointing at them. He waves a bit and the woman’s a bit confused, but then smiles and nods. Jeremy tugs on his sleeve and Dan turns to him.

“You will surely-surely catch me if I fall?”

Dan nods, “You shouldn’t be afraid to fall, Jeremy. Everybody does it.”

“And you?”

Dan smiles, “And me. Trust me, I’ve fallen hundreds of times.”

“Hundreds? That’s a lot!” Jeremy exclaims, “Can you actually skate?”

“Yes, Jeremy, he can,” Phil appears out of nowhere. “He just skates so often that falling hundreds of times is very few. Come on, your mum said it’s okay if we skated with you for a while.”

Phil stretches out his hand and Jeremy takes it and climbs of the bench. Dan’s a bit reluctant to take him by his hand, but Jeremy clutches onto his hand and Dan has no choice.

They step on ice, first Dan and Phil and then Jeremy. He doesn’t glide at first, just makes unsure steps, when Phil asks him to stop and just try to hold his feet straight. Jeremy stills and Dan and Phil just pull him, making him glide. Jeremy doesn’t look up watching attentively their moves and Dan smiles at his very serious face.

Phil bends to him, “Try to follow after us, ok?” and Jeremy nods. He moves clumsily and unconfident, but in the right direction - he said that he could skate once so maybe the skill is coming back to him. For every push Dan and Phil made, Jeremy can make at least five, so they move slowly.There’s no rush.

With every minute Jeremy grows more and more confident and he smiles and laughs. His move are smoother and his grip on their hands is not that tight. He jokes and Dan laughs and glances up and meets Phil’s glance and Dan stops for a split second, before Jeremy tugs on him.

Jeremy’s mother meets them at the entrance. Jeremy, his cheeks red and tired from laughing, awkwardly runs on his skates to her and hugs her. His sister stands next to him and pouts.

“Thank you,” the woman says, “I’ve tried so much to make him skate again, I spent months and you did it in forty minutes!”

“You’re welcome,” Phil says, smiling, “Have a good evening.”

Jeremy hugs them both tightly and they go to the bank to change his skates.

“Do you think we should go too?” Dan asks. Phil has yawned at least three times in the last twenty minutes and Dan feels really bad about it. They enter the changing room and it’s all crowded so they change their boots in the corner, holding onto each other so they won’t fall.

They exit the building and walk to the main entrance but choosing the longest way. Dan can’t look away from the large lollipops but Phil talks him out of buying it, threatening him with cavities. They're nearly at the main entrance, when Phil looks longingly at a small booth.

“I’ve never tried mulled wine, you know?” he says, looking at the booth and people around it. Dan turns to him.

“What?! How do you even celebrate Christmas without it?” Dan digs into his pockets and finds his wallet. “Stay here, don’t move.”

The line isn’t that big, just two couples laughing and buying one large pastry for two. Dan turns back to Phil and looks at him secretly - Phil’s totally enchanted with the Ferris Wheel. He buys two mulled wines and paper cups burn his hands a bit, but it’s a nice feeling. He comes up to Phil and passes him the cup.

Phil takes a sip and swears and then blows at the cup - Dan catches himself thinking that Phil’s first person to act so childish but being so mature at the same time.

“Careful, it’s hot.”

“Yeah, I found out.”

He waits a little bit and then makes another sip and this time it’s nice and tasty and Phil smiles again, “That’s amazing! Tastiest thing I’ve ever tried!”

“I know, right?” Dan makes a sip from his cup. It’s really good. “Should we get going?”
“Yes, sure.”

They walk and drink and Dan wants the road to never end and his cup to magically refill. It has been a long time since he felt like this, like Dan and not like a sportsman with a regime and trainings and elements. He just lives.

They walk down the stairs and Phil doesn’t stop admiring mulled wine and Christmas lights. They sit on the train - they ride at least four stations together before Dan’s change and Dan fights the urge to place his tired head on Phil’s shoulder.

Dan's station is next and he's considering going further but it's already nine and the training is at eight tomorrow and... Dan stops for a second but then relaxes. The thought about training is natural and familiar and there's no reason he shouldn't go. After all he already had more time than he was meant to and he should stop being childish. Phil’s right, everybody fails, but not everyone is strong enough to get up. Dan is.

Phil hugs him and it’s a bit awkward because they're still sitting, and Dan runs out onto the platform. He waves at Phil but he's already closed his eyes. Matt and John will kill them tomorrow but Dan doesn't mind. He doesn't know about Phil but he really needed this - to snap out of his routine and just have fun and not think about points and places and drowning himself in self reproach.

-----------

Greg is happy to see him alright and Dan frels about not telling him what has happened. John frowns at his bruise, poking out from his low waist, but says nothing. Dan has often neglected his health before, but he would never do anything stupid. Dan stretches - only ten days passed but it seems like a whole month, and as he does the split he feels pleasure of being in control over his body again.

Phil and Emma aren’t in the cafeteria and Dan looks around with a lost expression. He sits down on their usual table, facing the door so he can see if they come in. Finally, Emma enters and Dan's heart sinks a bit - their evening made Phil miss the training.

Emma takes her salad and coffee and sits down with him, "He's here, he just needs to sign some papers about his performance in Budapest and Sochi."

"Hi to you too," Dan says relieved. "Why should I be worrying where Phil is?"

"Dan, stop it," Emma pauses for a second and looks Dan in the eye, "You would tell me if something is going on, yes?"

"Would you?"

Emma looks away and Dan takes a sip from his glass.

"It's a bit complicated," Emma says quietly. "I mean, I have never felt this good, and they're really nice, but what if I fuck this up? I can't just appear in the middle of the night and I don't want to go to public places sometimes because I'm not that famous but my photos still leak and I..."

"Stop," Dan covers her hand. "It'll be fine. If they like you as much as you like them, you'll get it right. "

They keep silent for some time and it's almost time to go, but Dan doesn't want to go and leave this unresolved. Emma looks at him and smiles.

"Her name is Jennifer, she's a sports journalist. We met at NISA Charity Ball half a year ago, but she texted me only a month later. I'll introduce you when I'm sure, ok?"

Dan nods.

"Now your turn," she squeezes his hand.

"I think I'm falling for him because he's nice and friendly and he's understanding and thousands, millions other things but I'll tell you when I'm sure."

The break ends and they get up. Dan feels easier somehow, accepting it for Emma makes it easier to accept it for himself. He has fallen for Phil Lester and he doesn't know what to do.

Christmas is coming at an incredible speed, and even though Dan has already bought all the presents, it's still pretty hectic - arranging his plans for the holidays, trying to balance between two divorced parents and to serve to everyone's wishes. His mum tries unobtrusively ask him whether he's coming with someone and Dan says no. The vague idea to ask Phil is stupid so he immediately forgets it. Especially when Phil says that he's going to Florida for Christmas.

They exchange presents day on 21st - a day before Phil’s flight. Emma wants it to be right and cozy, but they put off everything till the last moment and in the end are bound to do it in the cafeteria. Dan feels really proud of himself when Phil and Emma open their presents, a lego mug and a silver set of earrings and necklace relatively. Emma gives him earbuds too, laughing, “Good thing that you have your ears pierced!”and Phil manages to surprise him - he gives him a large framed Muse poster with all artwork there has ever been. Dan hangs it opposite his bed and every morning he wakes up to the nice thought of Phil’s smile, when he opened his present.

The Christmas holiday is always stressful for Dan - he needs to present in two different families whose view on life are so opposite that Dan often wonders how these two people can have two children together. Dan has taught himself to ignore all the comments about being exes from his parents and their inability to cooperate when it’s so needed. When Dan was in hospital they didn’t even talk to each other, despite his brother’s and grandmother’s talks with them.

Thankfully, this year Christmas isn’t long for Dan - Greg insists on extra time training before Europeans in Budapest, so he leaves on the 27th, with a bag full of homemade pastry and his brother’s promise to visit him someday and his own promise to his grandma to call her more often.

----------

The trainings are so intense that he doesn’t even feel upset about his ruined holiday. They hardly have two weeks to train and polish the GALA number. Dan and John decide to stay in the Muse line and choose another song by them, but this time with lyrics so Greg keeps shouting at him not to sing along.

Phil comes back on 2nd of January, all covered with freckles and smiling, and when they meet in the cafeteria next day Dan can’t look away from him. He’s spent a great deal of time to persuade himself he doesn’t need Phil’s company at all, but as soon as he sees Phil, he realises he’s been lying all along. Dan doesn’t know how to act - he still hasn’t decided when to tell Phil and whether to tell him at all about what he feels. He’s somehow sure that it’s going to be awfully awkward but it surprisingly isn’t - they just fall back to the usual friendliness and Dan decides to  put off the important talk.

Officially, Europeans start on the 13th but their performances don’t start until the 15th. Despite this, all of them arrive there early - to get more practice on the unfamiliar ice. Dan tries to work as much as he can but in the end Greg forces him out from the rink and Dan has free evenings which he spends walking through the city. The winter in Budapest is beautiful - it’s so much smaller than London and it’s snowing, and even though it’s pretty cold comparing to England, Dan still enjoys his time walking through it’s streets. Phil and Emma join him once and they eventually end up in a famous conditorei where they spent a lot of franks on pastries and sweets.

Phil and Emma perform on the evening of 15th but Dan can’t watch because of the extra floor John has organised. Dan doesn’t know whether he’s done it on purpose or not, but Emma still texts him the result - 67.87, third place, so he isn’t that worried. His performance is in the morning, at 11:45 so he goes to bed early. On the next day, he wakes up early and surprisingly brisk - he usually doesn’t spend the night before the competition calmly.

As he goes out for the warming up on ice he feel strange. It’s not the first competition in the year and it’s not the first important one, but he still feels like it’s an important one. People would watch them to prepare for the Olympics, discovering new names and judging new programmes. Dan isn’t particularly scared, he’s just overwhelmingly nervous, but Totoro saves his nails and spikes on his costumes.

As Dan stands in the preparing room he takes a look at other skaters - there are mostly Russians and Spaniards. One of the Russian boys looks pretty much like him, but he’s much younger, Dan remembers, nineteen or so. Dan looks away, he doesn’t like to think that there will come a day when he will need to retire and actually think of his future, and these guys would still skate and win medals. Dan shakes his head to make the thought go away - it’s not what he needs right now.

When he steps on the ice he takes a look around and smiles. It’s not Nebelhorn, not British Nationals - the stalls are full and he can even see people with a large poster “GO DAN!” on it. There is a round of applause even and some encouraging shouts and whistles. Dan stops in the middle and then catches sight of the judging panel. They’re discussing something and then one of them looks up and surprisingly smiles and nods at him. He doesn’t recognize her so he just nods as well and then the music starts playing and Dan starts moving.

The moves come naturally, polished and smooth, his hands and arms moving  swiftly and graceful and he feels like he and music are the one and he isn’t actually wearing skates, they’re the continuation of his body. The elements go smooth, even though he makes a slight mistake exiting from a spin but otherwise he’s fine and content. He stops facing the board and then looks again at them and hits him. Ms. Lettler talked to him about the disqualifications two seasons ago; she was the one who explained to him the situation and then helped to come back, guiding him through the documents. Dan bows to the both stalls, when a little girl skates to him and gives a bouquet and a box of Raffaelos. He kisses her on her cheek and the girl blushes. He waves with his bouquet and then turns and skates to the judge board. He gives Ms. Lettler the flowers and she smiles again. Dan quits the ice.

His points are pretty high, 83.7, and he’s in the fifth place but he somehow doesn’t feel sad at all. On the contrary, he wants to compete and prove that he’s worth more than just a fifth place. In the changing room, a Russian boy comes up to him and, in very bad English, congratulates him. It’s a younger one, acting purely from his heart, and Dan smiles and nods. They shake hands. Dan packs his skates and Totoro and walks out. Greg is already waiting outside.

“The gesture - was it Liz Lettler?”

“Yes, it was,” Dan says.

“Okay then.”

Dan’s phone beeps twice and it’s a congratulation text from Phil’s phone but signed from both of them. He thinks for a second to meet them and go out but they have free dance in the evening and it’s a bad idea. Instead Phil just replies him with a winking emoji and goes back to his room. He spends his day mindlessly switching the channels, until he finds a sports channel where the ice dance is broadcast so he settles for it.

Phil and Emma are seventeenth, which means Dan needs to watch all the competitors. He rarely watches figure skating on TV, but he must admit it looks really pretty - the operators make the same elements and steps looks unique and different. Dan even chooses his personal favorites - the Italian couple, Cappellini and Lanotte, who are the leaders.

Finally it’s Phil and Emma’s turn and Dan doesn’t look away even if he knows the dance almost by heart. They get enough points to move to the second place and it’s only two tenths that separate them. The other three couples don’t manage to overcome it, so Phil and Emma get silver. Dan watches the award ceremony. Phil is all gentleman and helps Emma to get on the pedestal and then holds her by her waist and they’re smiling, brightly and loving. They show off their medals and then make a photo all together and Phil looks like five inches taller than anyone else and Dan laughs shortly at them. After the broadcast he turns the TV and lies down on a bed with a book.

Two hours later he hears the familiar voice in the next room - it’s Phil’s room - and Dan closes the book. He tries to listen through the wall what Phil’s saying but the audibility isn’t that good so he gives up on it. Instead he takes out his phone and starts typing out a text - when he gets one from Emma, inviting him to Phil’s room to celebrate their medals. Dan agrees.

In three minutes he’s all ready, judgingly looking at himself in the mirror. He didn’t think that he would come out later so his hair are really curly after the shower. He turns around in the mirror, thinking whether it’s worth to straighten his curls when he gets another text.

From: Emma

We’re both actually very fond of your curls, so give us some pleasure

Dan swears and leaves his hair as it is.

He knocks on Phil’s door, and there’s a pretty long pause, a pause long enough for Dan to think twice about coming but then the door opens and Dan is met with Phil’s smile and him in trackers and fluffy hair.

“You’re quick,” Phil says, scratching his head.

“Do you need some time to tidy yourself up?”

“No, I’m alright,” Phil steps out of the way. “Come on in.”

Phil’s room is the same as he is, only in blue rather than green. There is some play put out on the floor, Monopoly, as Dan sees when he comes closer.

“Do you take it everywhere?”

“Well, you never know when you’re going to get bored,” Phil says shrugging his shoulders. He opens the mini-bar and takes out a bottle of beer, passing Dan another one, but stops in the middle.

“Do you have training tomorrow?” he asks cautiously and Dan nods. Phil places the beer bottle back inside.

“Then you’re drinking Coke,” Phil passes him another bottle.

“Can I see the medal?” Dan asks, sipping his drink. Phil nods and gets off the floor to look for it on the table. Finally he finds it and gives it to Dan. It looks pretty and is pretty heavy as Dan weights it in his hands.

“I’m sure you’ll have one,” Phil says, watching Dan.

“Yeah, say it to the three Russian boys and Javier Fernandez. I’m lucky to get fifth place.”

“You should never think like this,” Phil says, “You’re definitely worth a medal. If not this year, then the next one.”

Dan says nothing and just looks away. There are mere seconds of awkward silence and then somebody - Emma - knocks on the door.

Phil opens the door and Emma comes in, her hair in a messy ponytail and soft sport costume. She holds a guitar in her hands, which she leans on the wall.

"Who have you robbed?" Phil laughs and gives her a can of tonic.

"No one," she laughs, "A fan give it to me, weird huh?"

“I noticed one in the hotel lobby and decided to ask you to play.”

“I can’t,” Phil says a bit lost and Emma smiles.

“Not you,” she points at Dan, “Him. He can play like ten songs but still. I haven’t heard it for a very long time.”

Phil looks attentively at Dan and Dan smiles shyly. Guitar is his secret hobby - he hasn’t much time to learn new songs or practise but it helps to relax and take it easier. He had a lot of time to practise when home and moveless so Emma’s mistaken, his ten songs grew to thirty, but Emma would probably want him to play a certain one.

“Do you want me to play now?” he asks and Emma shrugs her shoulders. Dan takes takes the guitar in his hands and tries the strings - it’s a bit out of tune, but will do. Dan looks up at Phil, “Do you mind if I play?”

“No, of course not,” Phil sits on the floor, giving up place on the bed for Dan. Emma sits in a big armchair and hugs her knees.

Even though Dan has practised in the past few months he still needs to get used to the new guitar. When James was still with them he played a lot for three of them, but now it’s slightly different. Dan hits the strings.

It’s a song he found when Sheeran became popular, “Firefly”. Emma was in love with it and he wanted to present it to her. The running over isn’t that hard and he remembers it as soon as he touches the strings. He doesn’t look up from the guitar when he starts to sing and his voice sounds a bit unfamiliar even to him. He makes a pause before the chorus and looks up at Emma. She sits smiling, her curls spread over her shoulders, rocking from side to side in rhythm. Dan smiles at her too and she hides her face in her knees.

He finishes the song with a final accord and places the guitar next to him. He doesn’t dare to turn around to look at Phil,so he just stares somewhere on the wall. Phil gets up and sits next to him on the bed and places his hand on Dan’s shoulder.

“That was really beautiful,” Phil almost whispers and smiles. Dan smiles in reply.

There is a minute or two of silence before Emma finally stands up and puts out Monopoly.

“Let’s play now,” she says cheerfully, even though it sounds a bit fake to Dan. He decides not to call out her on this and slides to the floor himself. Phil sits between, a little bit closer to Dan than to Emma, but Dan doesn’t let his thoughts wander in a hopeful way. They start the game.

It feels like half an hour but when Dan next time looks on the clock on his screen it’s already half past twelve and he really needs to go. Phil gets a bit tipsy and tries to see him off to his room, and Dan laughs loudly and sincere and makes Phil stay. Emma is curled in the armchair and most probably asleep - the last round they played one on one. Phil still stands up and hugs Dan, pressing him close, and Dan closes his eyes for a second, memorising these little seconds that seem to last for hours. Finally Dan leaves the hug and wished Phil good night - Phil just nods and lies down on the bed, still in his clothes. Dan closes the door quietly and crawls into his room. When inside he goes to the bathroom and washes his face and brushes the teeth. He crawls under his blankets and closes his eyes. That night he sleeps without dreams.

----------

The day before free programme Dan spends alone and on training - Phil and Emma set off to wander through the city and Greg pushes him as much as he can. They also repeat his Gala programme - it’s smaller than usual one and has more controversial but easier elements so it doesn’t take a lot of time. Still when he comes to his room he’s so drained that all he can do is to take a shower and get into bed.

Dan hates being the last to perform but one can’t actually argue with the official draw so he just stretches and warms up in the prep room under John’s supervision. But after twenty minutes of especially tough training John stops him and makes him rest - argumenting that if he is tired he won’t have a chance. Dan doesn’t reply to John that he already has no chance.

When it’s finally his turn the stalls aren’t so crowded and the applause is pretty quiet. Dan bets the judges are tired too so he just prays that won’t be too tired to treat him harsher than anyone else just to get rid of him. He looks around the audience and swears under his breath. There are probably not many people but enough  to make him conscious about his every movement. His fall comes to mind, and Dan shakes his head to get it away. He takes a deep breath and mutters, “Concentrate,” as he stands in the starting pose. The music starts and Dan’s battle begins.

When he, Greg, and John made up the programme Dan thought it wasn’t that difficult. “Sing for Absolution” was melodic enough to be smooth and sharp at all the right places and Dan actually feels the music, he puts it through himself and it was easy to perform. Yet now, under view of hundreds people and even more TV viewers, he feels uncomfortably open. It’s as if he’s telling everyone something deep and secret, and every move requires so much energy and strain, Dan’s afraid he will fall down powerless as soon as final accord will sound. Dan’s never been afraid to perform and was proud of it, but it seems that everything happens for the first time. But he isn’t afraid to fall or injure himself, he’s sure of it. The realisation comes to him when he finishes - he’s afraid to waste everyone’s time.

Greg says something reassuring to him as he puts on the cases and goes to the waiting sofa, but Dan can’t make himself focus properly. All he can think about is his newfound feeling and he already wants to ask Greg whether he’s ever felt it when he changes his mind. Making Greg worry would only make things worse. So Dan just sits and stares at the information board, poor Totoro smashed in his hands, when the results appear. He’s fourth. The stalls cheer and whistle, but all Dan can do is wave weakly at them.

Dan’s first intention to speak with someone about what he feels is gone as soon as he sees John’s and Greg’s happy faces - they’re really content with the result and Dan judges himself for thinking it’s worth talking about right now. He judges himself for even thinking it’s worth talking about all, after all it’s nothing - everyone has got problems but nobody whines about them to every person they know. Dan chooses to ignore the new strange feeling he’s realised. He has more important things to care about.

Dan meets with Phil and Emma two hours prior the Gala starts next day. He doesn’t how they manage not to bump into each other every second, literally living next door, but it’s probably some Budapest magic, which Dan doesn’t question. Both Phil and Emma seem upbeat and happy and Dan laughs and chats along as they seat in the prep room altogether, still in their training costumes and without make up or hairstyles. Phil and Emma tell to him about their adventures - how they managed to get lost and then found again and how they went to a small oceanarium, where they touched little rays. Dan pouts and Emma nudges him with his shoulder.

It’s only an hour prior to the show when Lizzie, fierce, finds them and literally pushes them in their changing rooms. Their numbers are one away from each other, with Dan performing first, which means they all will still be able to watch the other’s show. There are a lot of people in the room and everyone’s talking so it’s incredibly loud and unpleasant. He and Phil change next to each other and it takes a lot of strain not to stare at Phil’s body, especially when Dan sees his costume.

“Do you play a heartbreaker?” Dan asks, looking Phil up and down. Phil’s wearing stretchy trousers that are made to look like old style jeans and a white tank top. He takes out a black leather jacket and raises his eyebrows.

“We’re dancing to Arctic Monkeys You’re So Dark,” Phil says, putting on the jacket.

“I’ve never heard of it,” Dan replies.

“Well, you’re about to,” Phil laughs, “What do you skate to?”

“Can't Take My Eyes Off of You,” Dan says, pushing his clothes into the locket.

“Well, thank you,” Phil mumbles, “That’s flattering.”

“No, no,” Dan laughs, “It’s the song. Muse cover.”

“Oh. Oh! Sorry,” Phil says, closing his locket as well.

“You still look great,” Dan says. He can feel himself blushing, and he doesn’t dare to look at Phil. They come out to the hall, where Emma waits for them. She’s wearing a flying grey dress and her hair are loose. Lizzie appears out of nowhere with her bottle of hairspray and a brush. She fixes Dan’s hair in place, muttering something about how hard it is to work with guys. She pushes Phil’s hair back and it’s probably the first time Dan sees his forehead without fringe, but Dan must admit that Phil looks extremely attractive like this. Lizzie kisses all of them good luck and vanishes in the main direction of the stuff stall.

“Daniel Howell, prepare, you’re next,” there’s a shout and Dan salutes Phil and Emma who rush to the stuff stall.

Dan starts from the board - the plus of the Gala performance is that it can be as free as possible, so when the previous skater finishes, he just steps on the ice. His hands are in pockets - they’re fake, but it still makes him indifferently cool. If it wasn’t scenic costume Dan would probably wear it outside - black trousers and a shirt with short sleeves, first two buttons undone. He desperately hopes he looks as cool as he feels.

The beginning of the dance is so easy that he could do it with his hands still in pockets - that’s was John’s genius ideas - mainly steps and and linking elements. The most fun starts when the stronger part comes in, with drums and bass. Dan jumps a triple Axel and quadruple Salchow, his hits, and does the spin combination with his favourite illusion spin. He doesn’t just dance, he acts, playing a person deeply in love and brave enough to say it out loud. Dan’s happy to be on ice and he tries to show it - this little splinter thought about failing is still with him, but he wants to prove he’s worth the attention. He wants the audience to prove it for him.

Nothing outstanding happens though. He’s still greeted with applause and cheering, but he’s heard louder and he squints at the thought - he should be happy with what he has, but he can’t make himself. He bows and gets the flowers from the little girl, kissing her on the cheek, and skates to the entrance. There are already a sports pair ready, who seem to be Russian, and they smile at him and even high five. They’re no competitors so why not be friendly. In the hall, Phil and Emma stand smiling.

“That was great!” Emma exclaims, “Seriously, I loved it so much, such a pity you can’t choose music with lyrics for main competition because this… it almost looked like it’s you who sings!”

“Thank you,” Dan laughs and with a swift motion pushes his dump fringe back.

“As a ten-year fan of Muse I must say it was the best interpretation of them ever,” Phil says so seriously, that it’s almost impossible to believe that he’s joking.

“We need to go,” Emma says, looking at the clock on the wall. She nudges Dan in his stomach, “Go watch us, we’ll be as awesome.”

Dan laughs and walks to the stuff stalls. They’re small, counted just for the trainers and their assistants and Dan notices Mr. Platov talking to Greg in the first row. He stands right next to the place where seats begin - the view from there is pretty good. He gets there right in time - Phil and Emma are already in the middle of the ice rink, Phil hugging Emma from behind.

Dan’s listened to the AM album, but he hasn’t listened to this particular song. It’s melodic and soft and sexy and Phil and Emma depict exactly that. They look like a couple from an 80s movie, dancing the slow dance at the disco and they fit perfectly, Dan can’t look away, and if he didn’t know that they weren’t a couple, he would totally believe they are. And there’s also something specifically attractive in Phil in leather jacket.

When they finish, Dan is deafened with the applause and there are cheers, loud and happy, and Dan catches himself smiling. With this dance, Phil and Emma created a whole new universe and Dan wanted to be a part of it, be with them and just… Dan squints for a second to organise his thoughts and turns around. He walks down to the changing room, meeting happy Emma and Phil in the hall and he’s speechless from the emotions that fill him up. The only thing he manages to do is to hug them both and Emma’s laughing somewhere in his shoulder and Phil’s breath tickles his neck.

“That was the most amazing dance I’ve ever seen,” he says, and Phil and Emma just laugh. They all walk awkwardly to the changing rooms where Dan watches Phil undress and only looks away when he takes off his tank top.

“You were really so great,” Dan says quietly and Phil places a hand on his shoulder.

“Trust me, you were magnificent too. I wish I could prove it to you.”

Dan just shakes his head and stares at his feet as Phil walks into the shower. He waits till Phil’s finished and only then comes in - he doesn’t want to allow himself much. Phil acts as if he hasn’t noticed it and Dan’s glad he understands, without a word spoken.

----------

The month between Budapest and Sochi flows so fast Dan can’t actually grasp how it’s already time to go to the Olympics. This year they have a new competition - a team event and everyone is sceptical about it, apart from the Sochi Olympic Committee. It also start the competition for figure skaters a day earlier, on 6th February, so they miss the opening ceremony. Well, Dan misses. He isn’t sure about Phil and Emma.

“We aren’t going as well,” Emma says when they discuss it on a plane to Moscow, “I mean, we have competition at the exact day, I’m not sure Platov will let us even escape the rink.”

“He isn’t such a monster,” Phil says, but makes a pause for a second. “But you’re right. It’s Olympics, so it might wake the monster inside him.”

“I hope it doesn’t wake the monster in Greg,” Dan grumbles. “He’s already a  monster enough.”

Dan is basically terrified. It’s the Olympics, he has right to, but it doesn’t help. He dreads the audience, dreads the judges, the unfamiliar ice. He probably will fall and break something again or just be a total misery. The feelings overfill him, but he keeps silent - no one needs other’s problems and what a sportsman is afraid to fail? Those who do sports should be competitive and persistent and strong and Dan feels how he doesn’t fit it, even though he really tries.

In the hotel Emma, Phil and Dan are all staying next to each other, and Phil’s and Dan’s rooms are connected with a balcony overlooking the sea. On the first day they’re all too tired from the eight hour flight and just sleep, but next day Dan watches one of the most beautiful sunrises in his life - the sun comes up from behind the grayish sea, and it’s red and yellow. He tries to makes a picture of it, and he already takes out the phone from his pocket when he feels somebody’s hand on his and turns around. It’s Phil and he’s holding the finger to his mouth, softly lowering Dan’s hand with his phone. Dan understands Phil without speaking and they just stand there, watching the sunrise, and Dan nearly reaches out for Phil’s hand but stops himself. His all keeping his feelings in secret in order to not ruin friendship fails with every hour, minute, second they spend with Phil and Dan doesn’t know what to do.

They watch the opening ceremony together in Emma’s room - she surprisingly ends up with the largest one. Dan’s exhausted from the performance the day before and just lies on the floor, leaning against an armchair, merely saying a word or two. He scored 82.6 points for his short programme which would have been enough to win Nebelhorn Trophy, but he only gets to the sixth place and the sports pair fails even more, not even passing the qualification. Dan isn’t upset about it, their whole team knew that from the start - in the competition where Canada, USA and Russia take part it’s very unlikely to win anything, but as Phil says miracles happens. Not this time apparently.

Even though they’ve gathered specifically to watch the opening ceremony, Emma’s distracted for the first ten minutes - answering the texts she gets in enormously fast. After five minutes she’s already dreamily smiling at the screen and pays no attention to the ceremony. Dan looks at Phil, watch the ceremony with childish excitement. The Russians organised it - that must have cost a lot of money, but it still looks pretty impressive, especially the bit with the history in short. These weird people know how to impress the whole world.

Dan doesn’t notice how he nods off and leans on Phil’s shoulder. It’s Phil who actually wakes him up - he shakes him gently by his shoulder and Dan startled at first, scared, but then calms down. Phil smiles at him in a friendly way and Dan notice his sunshine wrinkles so close he hardly stops himself from touching them.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” Phil says, “Emma and I need to sleep.”

Dan nods without realising what Phil’s actually saying. Phil helps him up, and Dan turns around. Emma’s in the bathroom, brushing her teeth, so he just goes for loud “Good night!” instead of interrupting her. They walk out and close the door as silent as they can, almost on their tiptoes walking to their rooms - if any of trainers will see them now, they’ll kill them right away.

“Good night,” Dan whispers to Phil as they stand against their doors.

“Sleep well,” Phil replies in whisper, and vanishes behind his door.

Dan heads right for the bathroom and washes his face with cold water. He looks at himself, blushed and excited and smiling, and laughs. Who knew he could fall so hard for someone. Dan wipes his face with a towel, still smiling and giggling a bit, he doesn’t even know why - nothing happened, he has no reason to be this happy. It occurs to him when he’s already under his blanket - nothing has happened, but something might and this hope he has been afraid of and hasn’t let in his life, fills him fully.

Of course they fail to qualify for the team event. Jenna scores the lowest result and even though Phil and Emma manage to get to the fourth place, they still can't even get in the first five. They're not that upset about it though and even Jenna, after her fiasco parties with everyone at the Russian House event. Dan wonders how she manages to do it, but maybe it's just her acting is on point.

----------

Dan catches himself staring at Phil more and more often and he isn't that subtle about it, because he meets Phils glance almost every time. Dan knows he's imagining things about Phil, but he's certain about what he feels. Every time Phil smiles at him Dan feels all comfortable and warm, and it's not new, he's felt it since he first saw that man smile and talk to him, but now Dans aware of it and it's strange but nice. It’s hard to keep it a secret and Dan must be focused on other things, like his performance at Olympics, but Greg notices it, no matter how subtle Dan tries to be.

“Can you tell me why you sometimes literally light up and can’t stop smiling?” he asks Dan, but Dan just shakes his head and tries to control himself and still fails.

Emma notices it, Dan’s sure, but says nothing. They see each other more often as the ice is given to all the skaters of the country for a certain time and they have to share. It’s better like this probably because Dan doesn’t focus on being not enough that much.

His performance is on the 13th of February, in the evening, and Dan knows that all his team would watch it. He’s slightly uncomfortable with the fact - if he falls, then they will see it, and even though the common sense says to him that they won’t laugh at him at any point, he can’t get rid of the thought.

Dan isn’t the only one who has a mascot - a Japanese talent has a small dolphin, and when they meet each other in the changing room, both hugging their toys, they exchange smiles. Dan knows that he can’t compete with him - this guy is said to score over one hundred once, and Dan’s highest result by far is 84.23, but Dan still wishes him good luck.

He starts in the last warming-up group, along with Plushenko, and when he looks at him, he shrugs. He has heard about him - his spine is mostly metal but he still skates and wins and it’s a home ice rink for him so he’s a certain rival. Dan’s surprised not less than anyone else when this living legend drops out, due to some medical reasons - nobody does this, it’s the Olympics, people skate with crushed bones and torn muscles. But in the same time Dan is relieved - with the Russian out he’s one step closer to the qualification and first place.

When it’s his turn and Dan skates to the middle of the ice rink and looks up, he’s overwhelmed. There are people sitting and standing, cheering and whistling and singing and there are so many of them - he has never seen this many spectators. Somewhere among them sit Phil and Emma and probably some of his fans, and back in England his family is watching and he has troubles with breathing for a second - because what if he fails right here? How he will be able to live with this, knowing that all these people seen it?

Dan takes a deep breath and looks down for a second. The ice is so smooth he can actually can see a hint of his reflection and Dan smiles weakly and raises his head. There is no way back now. He counts seconds to the start of his programme.

The music starts and it all vanishes. There’s no audience, there’s no judges, there’s no cameras. There are only him and ice and music and Dan skates not because he is bound to or because he wants to prove something to someone. He skates because he wants to, and every element is natural, as if Dan can’t move in another way, without quadruple Salchow and spirals and steps. His head is clean of every thought, he’s completely focused on what he does - a spin and another one, and then a jump combination and then a final spin combination and he stills right at the moment the music stops. He sees everything again, the bright lights and blueish walls but he can’t hear, because the audience is applauding and cheering and he’s pretty sure half of them haven’t even known about his existence before this, but they’re praising him and he can even hear the chants of his name.

Two little children, a girl and a boy, skate to him and give him the flowers and a box of candy. Dan waves with the bouquet at the stalls and smiles. When Greg helps him to put on the cases, Dan looks up and smiles and Greg just nods. They sit on the waiting sofa, and Dan blows an air kiss to the camera.

“How was it?” Dan asks Greg.

“Great. Seriously, you haven’t performed that good since your comeback. I’m proud.”

Dan nods.

“You know it felt like before. I just shifted and … I don’t know, like snapped out of universe. I don’t know why.”

“It was great,” Greg starts but is interrupted by the announcer.

“Daniel Howell of Great Britain has scored 85.01 and is currently in the ninth place.”

Dan bits his lips but smiles - it’s his personal record, he has never scored that much, not even before and he’s happy. He stands up and Greg hugs him swiftly.

“That’s a great result, Dan,” Greg says, and Dan just nods. He doesn’t know whether it actually is.

He doesn’t talk to anyone in the changing room - even though there are some people whom he knows and talked with before and who try to congratulate him. His high spirits vanished with that trained voice. He felt great, amazing, outstanding - and “ninth place”. He’ll probably never get any higher than this.

His phone goes off a couple of times - texts, probably from his family. They know better than to call  in between short and free programme. He decides to check them later. when he’s already in his room but it rings two more times and Dan feels bound to check it.

He was partially right - two of the texts are from his brother and mum, but two other are from Phil. His brother just send him a row of cheering emojis and his mum wished him luck - the text probably got delayed because of the poor network. He’s reluctant to open Phil’s at first but then decides that he’s behaviour is way childish and reads them.

From: Phil

YOU WERE AMAZING

From: Phil

IT WAS THE BEST AND I’M IN LOVE WITH YOUR QUADRUPLE SALCHOW
Dan smiles widely at the text - it’s the weirdest one he has ever got and even fans don’t say they’re in love with their jumps, what he immediately tells Phil. The response comes without delay.

From: Phil

I DON’T CARE I CAN LOVE WHATEVER I WANT

Dan doesn’t reply to this. He and Greg walk to their hotel in silence - Dan doesn’t want to talk and Greg has known him long enough to realise it. They part in the lobby and Dan heads for his room. When inside, he goes straight to the shower - he still can’t stand public showers and does it as quick it as possible which means he’s taking a second shower in his room. He spends more than half an hour under the warm water, and he even starts singing a bit. He muffles himself up in a fluffy bathrobe and lies down on his bed, exhausted, when he hears a little tap on his balcony door. He gets up and sees Phil behind it, smiling. Dan opens the door.

“Hey,” Phil says, “I just wanted to say to you in person that it was great.”

“Thank you,” Dan nods.

“I mean, you looked a bit sad when they announced the results and I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t get upset because it’s not finished yet and you’ll be awesome tomorrow.”

Dan says nothing and shrugs his shoulders. He’s still standing in the doorway and the cold wind from the sea makes him really cold. Dan already opens his mouth to invite Phil in, when Phil smiles again and taps him on his shoulder.

“Anyway, good luck tomorrow and have a good evening,” he says and walks away. He climbs over the small wall between their balconies and in front of his door, turns around at Dan and waves at him. Dan salutes him with his hand.

Dan doesn’t know what to expect from the free programme. He’s performing in the middle again, and it’s always good, but at the same time it’s enough for him to wind himself up. His poor Totoro is clenched so hard that if it were alive it’d be long dead.

This time Dan’s prepared for the crowd so it makes it a bit easier than the day before. He doesn’t even look around when he makes a lap around the ice rink, just on his skates. He stands in the middle and sighs. This will define him for longer than he can even imagine. He closes his eyes and opens them the second the music starts.

There is no miracles this time, no snapping out or magical feelings. Dan’s focused on his programme and the elements and even though he doesn’t show it he’s one hundred percent concentration. He jumps and spins and he makes a small mistake when landing from the triple Axel - God, he has always hated them - but he doesn’t let himself think about it longer. The step sequence is also somehow hard for him today but he clutches his teeth and puts in it all his strength.

When he’s finished, he can’t believe it’s over. No more waiting for Olympics, no more specific trainings, no more counting down the days. For another four it’s all in the past and he can’t change it no matter what. It’s a terrifying thought and Dan wants to shout for a moment but then pulls himself together. The small children congratulate him. this time with a teddy bear plushie, and he kisses them both on their cheeks, making the little girl blush.

When he steps on solid ground and outs on his cases, Greg hugs him, long and tight, and Dan can’t help smiling. Greg isn’t one to show affection, he’s a trainer, always composed, but sometimes his nature shows up and he becomes as touching as a teddy bear in Dan’s hands. They sit down on the sofa in silence, the stall above him chanting his full name, and stands up once again to wave at them. Finally, the announcement comes.

“Daniel Howell has scored 161.89 for the free programme and with total score of 246.98 is currently in the second place.”

The audience explodes with cheers but Dan can barely hear anything. He stands up laughing, blowing air kisses and waving Totoro at the stall. It’s temporary he knows, the most talented one perform the last, Chan and Hanyu, but until then he’s second, he’s worth this place and he’s on the verge of crying. When he vanishes in the changing room, he still can hear the hall cheering.

He ends up being seventh. He isn’t that disappointed, no, he has been ready for it, but there’s still something upsetting about his hour of second place. His mum calls and congratulates him as soon as the flower ceremony ends - what a weird idea to present the medals the day after - and she’s excited and Dan can hear BBC working in the background. His grandma sends her love and his brother screams something as well and Dan laughs at the sweetness his family is.

He doesn’t plan on celebrating it or doing something special, because he’s exhausted as hell, but Emma and Phil insist on a small celebration with pizza. They all realise how hard it is to order a pizza in Russia speaking English when they’re bound to call their interpreter, Nadya, who desperately tries to hide the fact that she’s laughing at them on the phone. However, she organises everything and in fifteen minutes they have pizza delivered to Dan’s room.

They chat and laugh and Dan almost forgets it’s one of the most important days in his life when Phil with all seriousness tries to prove him the point of not eating cheese but eating pizza. Emma gives him weird looks but he doesn’t react to them - they’d probably talk about it later, because it’s obvious that she has a lot to say. But for now they’re just having fun watching a weird cartoon about ball animals and trying to realise what’s the hell is going on.

Emma leaves the first, kissing Dan on the cheek and congratulating him again. Phil helps him to tidy up a bit and then they both lay down on Dan’s bed. It occurs to Dan that it’s a perfect moment to say what he feels towards Phil, but then he remembers that Phil’s competition is ahead and what if he loses concentration because of it? So they just lie together, in complete silence and Dan can swear he can hear Phil breath.

They get up after what feels like an hour, but is actually no more than three minutes. Phil needs to leave and get to sleep, because Platov has actually turned into a monster. They stand facing each other, when Phil goes in for a hug and Dan closes his eyes.

“I still think you were the most amazing skater out there, and trust me I’ve seen a lot,” Phil says quietly and Dan smiles. They part and Phil escapes through the balcony door. Dan turns off the light and goes to bed, but can’t fall asleep - the world still feels too surreal to exist in. He turns on his side and covers himself with a blanket, smiling. Seventh place at his first Olympics - that’s something to be proud of, something to remember - but that's still not enough. He clearly sees the world when it's the highest result in his life. He squints and turns over, trying to get away from the noisy thoughts, but it doesn't help that much. He turns over on his stomach and closes his eyes tightly, and finally tiredness takes its own and he drifts to sleep.

----------

Dan is a night owl naturally, but years of trainings in the early mornings have taught him over. Still when he's a possibility he sleeps as long as he can and it's exactly what happens. He wakes up around noon, without realization what has happened or where he is, and only comes to after a few seconds. He has a free day today, so he decides to spend it in bed with his laptop on his chest, considering he has a whole season of American Horror Story to catch up with.

Time flies and Dan doesn't even notice how it's evening already. He orders room service - he has every right to be lazy, so he actively use it, thankfully the receptionist speaks English. He eats slowly - he’s so tired of this healthy diet that he tries to enjoy the little freedom he has and one should say that the food in the hotel is wonderfully tasty. Dan literally swallows the last bit when there’s a knock on his door and he turns around at the clock. It’s seven in the evening and he has completely no idea who it might be.

It’s Phil. He stands behind the door, in his trackers and loose hoodie and he’s examining his boots but looks up quickly when Dan opens the door.

“Hey,” Phil says. “Are you busy?”

“No,” Dan states, looking back in his room. “Just finished eating. Why?”

“May I come in?”

“Sure,” Dan steps aside and lets Phil in. Dan puts the empty plate on the tray and rolls it away from the bed.

“Dinner in bed, how lazy of you,” Phil laughs and Dan nudges him with the shoulder.

“I have the right.”

“You do,” Phil says smiling. He sits down on the bed, “Is it okay I came over? I just… need  a company before tomorrow.”

“Nervous?” Dan asks. He doesn’t know what to do next - sit on the armchair or on the bed and finally decides with the latter.

“It’s not like,” Phil pauses, trying to find words. “I’m not afraid to perform or anything. I’m just… you know, tomorrow it’ll start and in a day it’ll be over and it’s probably my last Olympics - of course I hope not, but let’s be honest, I’ll be like thirty-one - and I… I don’t want it to pass. I kinda want to perform but kinda not.”

Dan nods and lies down across the bed and Phil follows him. They keep silent for a moment and then Phil turns his head to look at Dan. Dan is motionless.

“What do you think about?” Phil asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Before the performance. What do you think about?”

Dan bites his lip and closes his eyes for a moment and then opens them again.

“It’s… complicated.”

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t,” Phil says. Dan turns his head and their glances meet.

“I don’t think it’s what you need to hear before the competition,” Dan says.

“Okay.”

There is a pause and they just stare at each other and Dan think it could have been the perfect moment to tell what he feels and probably kiss Phil, but tomorrow is Phil and Emma’s short dance and he can’t do it to them. Phil is right - it might be the last Olympics for them and they need to whatever they can.

“You know, I didn’t care that much before,” Phil says out of the blue and Dan starts from the sudden noise.

“About what?”

“Competitions,” Phil turns around on his back and places his hand under his head. “I didn’t miss the trainings and I worked hard, but I didn’t see the point, you know. Being always second no matter how hard you try, this kind of unmotivates you, so I just stopped caring. Second place or tenth place - what’s the difference? Still not first, or so I thought.”

“That’s kinda radical.”

“I think I stayed far too long in my youth maximalism stage,” Phil says and Dan laughs.

“What about now?” Dan asks.

Phil smiles, “Now is different.”

“Did Emma change you?”

“No,” Phil laughs. “I mean, she’s helped but I realised earlier. In Vancouver, I think. They expected us to be third or fourth and we took tenth place. It kind of settles you down - I realised that I’m just wasting my and Alison’s time. A person like us should be stubborn and determined to win, no matter what place they get, fifth or fifteenth, and I didn’t have it at all. It was a simple choice - quit or put oneself together and I didn’t want to be remembered as a person who gave up.”

There are minutes of silence that feel like hours and Dan doesn’t dare to speak or look at Phil. He doesn’t know what to say or whether to say something at all. Dan looks at the ceiling.

“You’re doing great,” he says. “Seriously, you’ve come so far.”

“I could have came further if I wasn’t stupid,” Phil sighs, “But unfortunately you can’t change the past, so it was probably for the best.”

They lie in silence for another five minutes, or hours, Dan doesn’t exactly care because it’s comforting and Phil’s hand is so close he can touch it, but won’t.

“You do a great job of comforting me, you know,” Phil says and Dan can hear the smile in his voice. He smiles too.

“Probably I should just abandon my career of a single skater and become your personal comforter, I’m definitely better at it.”

Phil raises himself on his elbows and looks at Dan and it’s harder to think about anything else than his eyes for Dan.

“Don’t joke like this, ok?” Phil says quietly.

“Why?” Dan asks. He stares right in Phil’s eyes and he wants to kiss him a lot.

“Because you’re really good. Because you are on ice for a year after a year and a half of the most serious injury and you’re at Olympics, and you took seventh place. Dan, that’s outstanding!”

“It’s only the seventh place,” Dan says bitterly and Phil shakes his head.

“It’s a full seventh place. It’s the Olympics, Dan, it’s a lot. There are a lot of people who don’t even get this chance.”

“But I do and I’m not using it fully.”

Phil sighs and lies back on the bed.“I worded this wrong, probably. I’m not saying you can’t be dissatisfied with your result, it’s completely normal, but…” Phil makes a pause, looking for the right words. “You’re torturing yourself and this won’t help to move you further.”

“I just don’t want to fail everyone’s expectations.”

“You shouldn’t think of everyone. Think of yourself. It’s your life and you should take care of yourself. It’s an unnecessary thing you do there - sacrifice your life for other people. Nobody’s worth it.”

Dan says nothing, he doesn’t even know what to say. Phil’s right probably and Dan realises it somewhere deep but he can’t admit it to himself.

“It’s easier said than done,” he says finally.

“I did, and you can too. It just takes time."

"I'm not that strong."

"Yes, you are," Phil says and he sounds almost annoyed, and for a second Dan's afraid he's made Phil angry. "I mean, if I were you," Phil adds much more softly, and Dan calms down a bit, "If I were you, I'd give up long ago. Around the point the doctors said I probably wouldn't be able to walk or maybe even earlier. You, you came so far just on your will and determination. Of course you're strong."

The silence comes back and Dan squints and opens his eyes again. He doesn't dare look at Phil, scared of doing something radical so he just stares at the white ceiling.

"Thank you," he finally finds strength to say. It sounds as if it isn't Dan who says it, and Dan himself wonders whether the words actually come out. Phil doesn't reply, but Dan is sure to say that he's smiling, with his sunshine crinkles and warm eyes.

They lie in silence for a while and seem to nod off at some point, because Dan wakes up from the shift of the bed as Phil tried to stand up and not wake Dan up. Dan gets up and runs his eyes.

"Did we fall asleep?" He asks Phil.

"Yeah," Phil says with a short laugh. "Not for long though," he looks at the wall clock then says, "Half an hour or so."

"Oh," Dan manages to get out. It's slightly awkward, they just standing there, facing each other, until Phil finally takes a step towards Dan. He freaks for a second, because he's somehow sure Phil’s going to kiss him, but it's just a hug and Dan’s relieved but at the same time disappointed.

"Where's Emma by the way?" He asks when they part and Phil scratches his head.

"She said she's going for a walk, and I'm pretty sure she's accompanied by that mysterious person."

Dan nods and smiles.

"I hope it turns out good for her," he says.

"Yeah, I hope so too," Phil looks away for a second and then turns back to Dan, "Will you watch us tomorrow?"

"Yes, sure. Using the privilege of a free pass."

"See you then?"

"Yes, till tomorrow," Dan says, "Good luck."

"Thank you. Good night," Phil replies and closes the door.

Dan finds himself unable to do anything more serious than mindlessly channel surfing after Phil leaves and after a while he decides to go to sleep. He doesn't dream but in the morning, when he wakes up, he's a strong feeling of comfort latched onto him.

----------

They don't manage to meet with Phil and Emma before the performance so he ends up texting them on Emma's phone. He doesn't get a reply but he doesn't worry about that much - she has probably switched off her phone. His place a good view over the ice rink but Dan feels a little uncomfortable surrounded by Canadian supporters. He loosens up a bit when someone recognises him and asks for an autograph and a selfie.

Emma and Phil perform somewhere in the end of the list and Dan has the opportunity to watch all the competitors. He's slightly deafened by the cheers when it's Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir's turn but after watching their performance ends up cheering as well.

Finally Emma and Phil come out to the ice rink, waving and smiling, and Dan’s happy to hear how the audience meets them with chanting and applause. Phil says something to Emma and kisses her on the forehead and they stand in the starting position. The music starts and Dan finds himself clutching tightly his sleeves.

Dan is in awe. He's not an expert in the ice dance, he doesn't understand specific judges scores and other details, but he can't look away from the pair and that's more than enough. They move completely in sync and Emma has no doubts when doing the lifts and acrobatic elements which makes them stand out on the previous couple's background. When they finish the audience explodes and Dan stands up swiftly applauding and cheering and he can see that Phil and Emma are smiling and hugging as they bow. Small children skate around the ice rink picking up toys and flowers, and there are a lot, Emma can barely hold everything in her hands and presents one, the largest one, teddy bear to Phil.

Dan sits down and looks at the screen where it's shown how Emma and Phil sit on the sofa with Platov leaning over them, making his own remarks. Dan notices how Phil holds Emma's hand and smiles and Emma presses close to him and Dan smiles himself.

They score 72.56 and take the third place. Emma and Phil and Platov hug, smiling and Dan gets out his phone and texts, this time to Phil's phone. He sits till the very end of the performance but none of the rest skaters don't manage to get any higher than top ten and Dan's secretly happy they don't. He's upbeat and energetic and the feeling of the crowd makes him feel strangely alive.

He doesn't bother to call on Phil or Emma in the evening - even though neither of them reply to his texts. He decides to let them rest and calm down before the most important performance. But when Dan gets down to have for once dinner at the restaurant he notices Emma in the hall. She’s sitting at the furthest table and she’s not alone. Dan can’t make out who it is, but he decides not to embarrass Emma and sits on the other corner.

Dan doesn’t want to spy on the couple but he still ends up looking towards them. He tries to do it as sneakily as he can, but it seems they have noticed them nonetheless. Dan’s happy when they finally bring him his food - he has something to distract him with so he won’t make Emma and her date uncomfortable. He finishes the dinner in record time and when he looks up at Emma’s table he sees that they’re still talking about something. He sighs relieved and asks for a bill.

But when he’s already paid and is literally in the doors of the hotel restaurant, Emma calls him and he is bound to turn around. Emma’s smiling and beside her stands a pretty girl, slightly taller than Emma but with same charming coffee eyes.

“Hi, Giant,” Emma says, “I thought you decided to stay in your room till actual Gala.”

“I had these plans but even hermits need food,” Emma laughs and the girl represses a laugh. She looks at Emma, and Dan instantly knows it’s the person Emma’s in love with.

“It’s Jenny, Jennifer Shelton. I told you about her,” Emma smiles and Jenny holds out her hand for a handshake. Dan takes it.

“I’m Daniel Howell, but everyone calls me Dan.”

“Emma told me about you, too,” Jenny smiles.

“I hope it’s only good,” he says and Emma elbows him.

“Of course it’s only good,” she says and pouts, “How could you think so low about me?”

They all laugh and walk out of the restaurant. Dan can sense how awkward Jenny feels - probably because she doesn’t know how much affection she can show to Emma in front of Dan.

“I need to go to reception - Nadya left me addresses with souvenir shops. See you Jenny,” he smiles.

“Bye Dan,” she smiles with relief and Dan heads for the reception desk. He lied - he hasn’t called Nadya the whole day but it feels right to leave Emma and Jenny alone. He pretends to study the chart behind the reception desk with the games’ statistics when Emma places a hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you,” she says, “It was nice of you.”
“You’re welcome.”

They’re silent while waiting for the lift but Dan hopes Emma will say something eventually. They walk inside and stare at the door when Dan finally speaks up.

“She’s really nice and I like how she’s looking at you. She likes you.”

“I hope so,” Emma replies, “because I really like her too.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asks, and Emma just nods.

“Are you?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asks, even though he knows what she’s talking about. The lift arrives and they both walk out. Their rooms are next to each other so they walk together and Dan can’t avoid the question.

“I mean Phil.”

“I’m sure about myself. That I like him and that he’s very important to me. But I don’t want to tell him unless I’m 100% sure he likes me in that way too.”

Emma says nothing at first but when they’ve come to Dan’s room, she seizes him by his hand.

“Yesterday he came to you, didn’t he?”

Dan nods. Emma might be small but her grip is strong and he’s a bit uncomfortable.

“He asked me for your address after the Nationals to check up on you. He has your phone on speed dial. When he talked about you in the training, he had the dreamiest glance I’ve ever seen. Do you think he’s completely indifferent to you?”

“I don’t know, Emma. I’m afraid of being neglected and left with nothing.”

“He is, too,” Emma says and releases her grip on Dan’s hand. She brings her hand to his cheek  instead, “Promise me, you’ll do something about it till we’re still here, okay? I can’t watch how you walk around each other, not daring to do anything.”

Dan says nothing. Emma kisses him on the cheek and leaves, looking one last time at him before closing her door. Dan stares at his door and finally opens it and gets in. He spends the evening mindlessly browsing the internet and when he finally goes to sleep it way later than one in the morning.

----------

He's somehow get tickets to different places so when he comes up to the free dance he ends up sitting among Americans and British spectators. The British part recognises him instantly and they all smile and laugh warmly, congratulating him, but by the start of the performances he's really afraid his hand going to fall off. Dan's already forgot how surreal it is - to be famous, but it's surprisingly nice.

Phil and Emma's free dance is in the middle which means he's still need to watch everyone - two main rivals, Russians and Italians are skating closer to the end so they'll only know the result after their dances.

Free dance is a bit more tiresome than the short one - it's longer for once and sometimes people choose fairly unpleasant music, but there are some skaters who catch Dan's eye. He laughs during German number - they are literally playing a scene on ice and it's hilarious, the whole audience is amazed. Dan falls helplessly in love with an Italian couple and even though he’s a loyal Phil and Emma fan, he still wishes Lanotti and Cappellini would get a high enough place.

When it's finally Phil and Emma's turn Dan is already tired but still eager to watch. Their looks have changed slightly from the Europe - Emma's dress looks like almost identical to the Sally's dress in the film, but what makes him chuckle is that they both have makeup - Phil has a deep black shadows around his eyes and stitches around his mouth and Emma's neck is crossed with stitches. They look like alive version of Tim Burton’s characters and Dan makes a mental notice to praise Lizzie - this is a piece of art.

Phil and Emma start off slow and smooth but with every move they get a faster speed. For Dan it’s almost unreal - to have such a tempo and skate with someone at the moment, but the pair handles it so professionally that it’s literally impossible to look away. They’ve added some lifts to the free dance too, and Dan hearts skips a bit when Emma’s only point of balance is Phil. He holds his breath at the last few seconds without even realising it and when they finally stop he exhales loudly. Now nothing can be done.

Phil presses Emma close to himself and for a second Dan thinks she’s crying but Phil presses a soft kiss on the top of her head and she turns around, smiling. They bow gracefully and there are lots of toys again on the ice, and Dan blames himself for not buying one - it’d be a nice gesture. Platov and Matt help Phil and Emma to the floor and they all laugh while walking to the sofa. Emma says something to Phil and they wave actively to the camera and blow air kisses. Dan is so fixed on the screen watching their happy faces that the announcer makes him startle.

“Emma Melton and Philip Lester of Great Britain have scored 112.20 and are currently in the first place.”

The audience applauds and cheers and British people sitting next to Dan nearly deafen him with their chants. He doesn’t look away from the screen, Emma’s face hidden in Phil’s shoulders and they’re smiling and laughing and Dan feels so proud of them he can’t keep it inside. They finally stand up and leave the sofa. Dan relaxes and closes his eyes and then opens them again.

Dan watches carefully everyone who follows, counting the points and comparing them to Phil and Emma, but no one manages to come even close to their result. Even the Italians that won Europeans are good ten points behind and Dan can’t stop smiling. It’s not until Canadians, Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, that Phil and Emma shift to the second place, and Dan's a bit upset by this but not too much. Neither of Russian couples manage to surpass their result, and finally it's only couple left, Americans, which means that phil and Emma definitely have got a medal. It's just a question which.

The pair, Meryl Davis and Charlie White, skate to the middle of the ice rink when Dan’s phone vibrates. He takes out and unlocks it, still focused on the rink. Finally he glances at the screen. It's a text from unknown number and Dan is reluctant to open it at first but then gives up.

From:Unknown

If you want, you could go down and congrat Phil and Emma - we have an extra pass. Text if yes. Matt

It doesn't take Dan long to think as he types "yes" in reply. He looks back at the rink, where the dance has already started, his phone clutched in his hands.

Dan doesn't like them. He knows they are a strong couple and their results are outstanding but he just doesn't like the dance and how they move and act. If it were up to him he's have chosen Canadians over them. But it's not so he just watches them and hopes for a minimal difference - no matter what Davis and White are definitely getting the medal.

At the exact moment when the Americans finish, Dan’s phone vibrates once again and Matt tells him to go to the organizational rooms entrance where he'll meet them. Dan stands up and leaves instantly, not even bothering to learn the results. By the loud shouts when he escapes he guesses that they've got the gold.

Matt meets him with a short "hi" and the widest hrin. He gives Dan the pass and they both walk by the guard. Inside there are lots of people and Dan feels overwhelmed for a second - it's not that much during his performances, probably because there are not so many journalist. He looks for Jenny and then remembers that she doesn’t work with skaters, so she’s probably not here. Dan looks to the end of a long corridor and sees that the light over the ice rink has been turned off and Phil and Emma stand at the border of the ice rink. Dan wants to call them first, but then thinks against it and just walks closer to them.

He gets to the end right in the moment Phil and Emma are announced. They hold their hands as they bow and then skate to the podium. Phil gives Emma a hand for her to climb on the step and Dan smiles - nobody does this apart from him.Their relationship is too tender to handle.

The flowers are given and then an American anthem is played. They all stand in silence. Davis and White shine with happiness and even though they got the second place, Virtue and Moir look content too. Phil and Emma still haven’t parted hands, and Phil stands with his eyes closed. When the music stops playing, Emma asks him something and he shakes his head. Dan wonders what the question was.

All the winners make a photo and Phil looks a good five inches taller than anyone else. After that they all climb off the podium, Phil helping Emma once again, and skate a lap of honour. They all get a flag of their country and skate around the ice rink. Emma wraps hers around her shoulders and Scott Moir of Canada puts it on his head and seems to pretend that he’s a ghost. Dan’s cheeks ache from smiling.

Dan’s asked to move because there are dozens of journalists with cameras and as soon as Americans step on the ground, the sound of clicking photographs annoys the hell out of him. He tries to wave at Phil and Emma, but they’re already being interviewed by BBC and have a large queue of other journalist so he follows Matt who guides him back to the end of the corridor.

Emma gets to them after almost fifteen minutes, but still smiling and happy. The journalists have all gone to the press conference with trainers and both Canadian and American couple have vanished to the changing rooms so it’s just them in the corridor and Phil in the front of it, talking to some people he has met in America. Emma doesn’t notice Dan at first, going for a hug with Matt and Lizzie but then she raises her hand and smiles widely.

“Giant! How did you get here?” she asks, when she goes in for a hug. Dan presses her close and laughs, her hair going in his mouth.

“I’ve my own connections,” Emma straightens a bit, Dan’s hands still on her waist, “Congratulations, Small. That was great.”

“Thank you,” she says and then presses herself against his shoulder. He strokes her back and closes his eyes. He doesn’t know how long they stay like this but he doesn’t care. He feels so proud and happy for her it’s hard to express with word so he just tries to show it. Finally they part and he looks up and sees Phil smiling.

“Congrats on your medal,” Dan says. He suddenly feels weird and doesn’t know what to do. Phil just stands there and he doesn’t even step closer for Dan to hug him and it’s nerving Dan but he doesn’t want to be the one to make a first step.

“Thank you,” Phil smiles, “It’s a pity we’d get them only tomorrow.”

“Yes, that’s silly,” Dan nods. “But still, you got flowers.”

Phil raises his bouquet to his face and sniffs it.

“It smells nice, but it’s not the same.”

Dan laughs but doesn’t know what to reply next so after that falls awkward silence. Matt and Lizzie has already left and Dan throws a helpless glance at Emma. She just smiles and secretly pushes him on his back.

“I’ll go change,” she says, “See you, okay?”

Dan and Phil nod simultaneously. Emma leaves and Dan doesn’t dare to look in Phil’s eyes. They are alone in the corridor and Phil has won already and there’s nothing to prevent him from doing a step forward, but Dan still can’t do it.

“Thank you,” Phil finally says. “For that evening before short,” he adds. “It means a lot.”

“It’s nothing,” Dan says. “You’re worth it.”

Dan finally finds the strength to look up. Phil is smiling shyly and his hair are all tousled and his eyes are glowing and Dan doesn’t even realise what he’s doing when he takes a step closer and kisses Phil.

When he does realise what is happening, Dan freaks out, because Phil doesn’t respond, and Dan can’t help thinking “I fucked up,” but when he almost steps back, Phil brings his arms to the small of Dan’s back and presses him closer. Phil responds to the kiss and Dan lifts his hands to Phil’s neck and cheek, caressing them. Dan feels how Phil’s bouquet falls and brushes against his legs, making him press even closer, leaving almost no space between them. Finally they part for a breath and Dan looks Phil straight in the eye and he’s never noticed they’re so charming. He presses his forehead to Phil’s shoulder.

“I...I…,” he starts but Phil presses a hand to the back of his head.

“I know,” Phil whispers. “Me too.”

Dan raises his head again and he’s smiling, almost laughing, when Phil leans to him again and kisses him. Dan feels Phil warm hands on his back and Phil’s hold is strong and comforting. All Dan’s thoughts wash away and the only thing he can think of is that he’s feeling good.