Work Text:
“Dear you,
Someone reminded me of you today. They didn’t know you. They couldn’t have known it would hurt this much. I don’t blame them. It’s not like I ever spoke about you after it ended. Somehow, every time I talk about you, my mind goes back to the very first day after you left.
The numbness in my heart. The warm rays of sunshine against our, my, cold sheets. The emptiness in the apartment. The lack of sound from the tiny kitchen. The hopeful feeling that it was all a dream, that you were still here, smiling, happy, with me. The realization that it was not. The tears falling down on my hands. The longing.
And whatever pieces of my heart were left disappear.
I remember how it felt to be with you. I remember how it felt to be in your arms. You were so warm and you always held me tight, like I was precious. I remember how I was always so surprised, but so grateful, to be the center of your attention. I remember our first kiss, just a gentle press of your lips on mine, and how you kept count of all the following kisses because they all mattered in different ways to you. I don’t remember where you stopped. I wish I did.
I remember the day I told you I loved you. How your whole face light up and suddenly there was a sun in human form in my lap, a hand on my cheek, the other on the back of my neck, and the best kiss I ever had pressed to my lips. I remember you shaking when you told me you loved me back. I remember loving you a little more and hugging you close.
I remember our first fight, how stupid it was. How you were jealous of my friend when the only one I ever had eyes for was you. I remember telling you that later. You blushed the prettiest pink. You were adorable. I bet you still are.
I remember every tiny habit you had. How you always rose with the sun on weekdays but absolutely refused to get up until noon on the weekend. How you’d kiss my nose before dragging your sorry ass to the bathroom. How you’d make me my favorite breakfast when I had had an awful day without fail, like you had a radar for those.
I remember how you always took five minutes with yourself before you made a call. I remember how you made a point to meet up with your friends at least twice a month. I remember how you missed them on rainy days. I remember how you needed your plushy on stormy ones.
I remember so many tiny things about you. I also remember the big ones. They're the ones that hurt the most when it snows. Because there was very little you loved more than the snow. You told me once I was one of those things. I believed you then. I’m not sure I do now.
I can never forget the sound of your voice when you called my name. Or when you sang that song we heard on the radio. Other times I can’t even remember what you looked like in your favorite shirt or the exact color of your eyes. I remember thinking they were a sky I never wanted to stop drowning in, ever. It hurts that I didn’t have to. It hurts more that you left.
Sometimes I hear your voice so clearly it sounds like you’re right beside me. You never are. I wish you were. I hope you do, too, wherever you are.
It’s been years. I still miss you.
I still love you.
Yours, always.”