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First Year, Day 1
Sirius heaved a sigh of relief when the Sorting Hat put him in Gryffindor. He could feel the weight of the older Slytherins’ suspicious gazes, the ones who knew him as the eldest Black child. They knew his heritage, knew he should be with them, as the rest of his family had been. As he ran to join the Potter boy at the Gryffindor table, he tried to shut out the whispers rising from the Slytherin table.
Black? Sirius Black? I didn’t know they had a son his age. I thought – That’s what I heard too. I know they have the younger boy, Regulus, but I never heard of an older boy, I always thought -
Sirius didn’t correct James when the other boy referred to him with ‘he/him’ pronouns to the other Gryffindors at the table. All it did was make him smile. No one had to know his secret just yet. That was, until…
Back in Gryffindor Tower, he stood between the entrances to the two dormitories, sweating as he looked from one to the other. James, turning in the doorway to the boy’s dormitory, frowned at him.
“Everything alright there, Black?”
Sirius swallowed hard. He was a Gryffindor after all. He stepped onto the first stair leading to the girl’s dormitory. It immediately turned into a slide, and there were shouts of, “Hey!” and “No boys allowed!” from above. Sirius stepped back and beamed.
“Yeah,” he said to James. “Everything is great.”
Second Year, Day 52
It would be an understatement to say that Sirius was unhappy. He stared at himself in the mirror. He had known they would come eventually, but part of him had been holding out hope that maybe, by some miracle, they would not. He poked at the breasts beginning to form on his chest and sighed. He could bind them for the time being. No one had to know. Besides James. James always knew about everything in Sirius’s life, ever since he saw the scars on his body from years of Black parenting.
There was a knock on the bathroom door.
“Hurry up, Sirius! We’re going to miss breakfast.”
Remus. Sirius pulled on his shirt and did up his tie hastily, ignoring the uneven ends.
“Coming!” he called. He caught his reflection’s eye as he turned to go and shook his head. He would figure something out eventually. Until then, he could hide his secret a little while longer.
Second Year, Day 135
Remus looked up from his book. The four of them were lounging by the fire, Remus curled up in the overstuffed armchair with his Transfiguration textbook, James playing chess with Peter on the floor by the roaring fire, and Sirius sat on the couch surrounded by his Charms homework.
“You keep fidgeting,” Remus said matter-of-factly to Sirius, who, at that very moment, had readjusted his posture for the millionth time that evening. “What’s up?”
Sirius scowled at the other boy. Remus was not in the least bit intimidated. With his over-sized sweater rolled up several times around his bony wrists, bags under his amber eyes, and his tousled dark gold curls, Remus looked like nothing could surprise him. Rather, he looked like the world could end and he’d just go right to sleep. Sirius’s scowl softened, and he turned it instead on the parchment in his lap.
“Nothing, just bloody Charms paper. Don’t worry, mother hen,” he grumbled. Remus narrowed his eyes.
“That’s not it,” Remus said, his voice low so the other boys wouldn’t overhear. “Did something happen over the winter hols? You keep tugging at your shirt.”
“I said I’m fine,” Sirius snapped. James looked up from his game. Sirius flushed and waved him off. He ran a hand through his hair – he’d cut it short again to pass, much to the outrage of his mother. To Remus, who had recoiled only slightly at Sirius’s outburst, he added softly, “I’m sorry. ‘M just tired. Really. Don’t worry about it.”
Remus pursed his lips but nodded. “Okay, if you say so.”
Sirius sighed in relief. He busied himself with his Charms homework. A few minutes later, Remus noticed him adjust something under his shirt. Remus shook his head. When Sirius was ready, he would tell him. Or he’d bug James about it until he got the answer.
Year Three, Day 217
The matron nurse, Madame Olivier, tutted over Sirius. The younger nurse-in-training looked from her to Sirius nervously. Sirius laid in the hospital bed, half propped up on his elbows and by the pillows, and looked anywhere but at the two women.
“It is very common,” Madame Olivier said with a patronising smile. “Many young girls this age try to enhance their breasts with magic and don’t succeed. It is not an easy thing to do, young lady.”
“Man. And I wasn’t trying to enhance them, I was trying to get rid of them,” Sirius growled. He looked down at the mess he had made of his chest. One breast had indeed shrunk, but it and the other breast were now covered in weeping boils. His lip curled. If James hadn’t insisted that he go to the hospital wing, he could have fixed it himself, he was sure of it.
“Now now, Miss Black, don’t be silly. Nurse Pomfrey, please watch as I perform the spell to return the breasts to their normal size.”
“Wait,” Sirius protested, looking up at Madame Olivier in fear. “I don’t want them to go back to normal. I want them gone. Can’t you just get rid of them?”
“Don’t. Be. Silly,” Madame Olivier repeated firmly. “I know how it is at this age, everything is strange and new for you, but in time, you will learn to appreciate – ”
“These aren’t new,” Sirius retorted, his voice equally firm. “I have been dealing with this for over a year. I don’t want them. Men don’t have tits.”
“But you are not a man, Miss Black,” sighed Madame Olivier. Sirius flushed red as angry tears pricked at his eyes.
“Yes. I. Am,” he snarled. Madame Olivier threw up her hands in exasperation.
“Listen, I have other patients to attend to. When you are ready to be treated, let Nurse Pomfrey know and she can come get me. In the meantime,” she said, scowling at the petulant boy, “I suggest you grow up.” With that, she stormed off, closing the privacy curtain behind her as she went to the next bed over. Sirius couldn’t hear her address the other patient over the blood roaring in his ears.
Nurse Pomfrey wrung her hands as she stood at his bedside. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. Sirius, noticing, barked, “What? You have something to add?”
She bit her lip and straightened her apron. “Well, yes,” she said in an undertone, “but not to agree with Madame Olivier. I’m sure she has experience on her side, but in this case….” She hesitated and looked over her shoulder before leaning towards Sirius conspiratorially. “I have been reading this medical journal,” she whispered, “about Healing treatments for…for people in your situation. There is a way to safely remove the breasts. I’ve read about it extensively, and I’m sure I could perform it, if you would let me.”
Sirius’s jaw dropped. “You’re joking,” he whispered back. “How?”
Nurse Pomfrey looked over her shoulder again to make sure Madame Olivier wasn’t listening. The matron had just told the other patient off for not eating enough and had moved on to another bed down the hall. Cautiously, Nurse Pomfrey outlined the procedure to Sirius. When she was done, Sirius beamed at her.
“Of course. Yes. I want that. When could you do it? Could you do it today?”
Nurse Pomfrey smiled timidly back at him. “I think so. I’ll have to sneak the journal in here so I can review it during the procedure, but beyond that, I should be able to, yes. I have all the ingredients for the numbing potion as well. But you have to be absolutely certain.”
Sirius nodded, his eyes wide and eager. “Yes, I am one hundred percent certain. Please, do anything you need to do. And Nurse Pomfrey?” he added as she turned to leave. “Thank you. Truly.”
She smiled back. “Of course,” she said. “Healing’s my job.”
When she had left, Sirius collapsed back against the pillows, grinning ear to ear. He was going to have his breasts removed. He would never have to worry about them ever again. And now that the weather was warming up for summer, he could go down to the Lake with the other boys and actually take his shirt off without having to make some stupid excuse about not wanting to swim with them. He would have to ask if Nurse Pomfrey knew anything about changing his hormones, but that was another step.
Just then, the curtains parted. Sirius jumped and sat up. Remus stood there in his pyjamas, one arm in a sling and the other holding the privacy curtain open. His eyes were wide as he stared at Sirius’s chest.
“Merlin’s mother, what did you do?” hissed Remus as he closed the curtains behind him. Sirius blushed and pulled the sheets up to hide his chest.
“It’s nothing,” he muttered, “just messed up a spell is all. What are you doing here?”
“Hurt my arm. Doesn’t matter. Now, I’ll ask again, what the bloody hell did you do to your chest?” Remus demanded. He reached out with his good arm to try and wrestle the sheets off of Sirius, but Sirius had the upper hand, literally.
“Leave it alone, Remus, this has nothing to do with you.”
“It does if you’re hurting yourself!”
“I wasn’t trying – just leave me be, Remus, I’m fine!”
“The hell you are!” Remus stepped back, still glowering. He let out a huff. Then, in a quiet voice, he asked, “Is this because of your tits?”
Sirius’s face went from scarlet to a deep burgundy as he spluttered at Remus. “How – what – no, what are you – how did you – ”
“James told me, last year,” Remus said. He sat down on the edge of Sirius’s bed with a sigh. “You were acting strange and I was worried, so I pestered James until he told me. Well, and I agreed to do his History of Magic homework for him for a month.”
“Wow, didn’t realise my secrets could be bought for so little,” Sirius grumbled. Remus let out a small chuckle.
“Don’t blame him. I think I had become quite the nuisance by the time he finally gave in. I don’t care, Sirius,” he continued, looking up into Sirius’s grey eyes. “You’re my best friend, next to James. Peter’s great and all, but he really doesn’t hold a candle to you. Do you really think something like this would make me think any less of you?”
Sirius turned away so Remus couldn’t see the tears welling up in his eyes again. Remus sighed again and rested his good hand on Sirius’s knee over the bedsheets. The simple touch almost made Sirius break down, but he held out.
“I’ll tell you a secret if it makes you feel better,” Remus said. Sirius turned back to him, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Yeah, sure, why not.”
Remus took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he steeled himself.
“I’m a werewolf,” he said at last.
“Yeah, I knew that, you git. Now what’s the secret?”
Remus’s eyes snapped open. “Wait, what?” he stuttered. “What do you mean you know? Only the teachers and Madame Olivier know!”
“Oh, that’s bullshit. James and I have known for ages. Did you really think you could hide it from us? I’m not the only one who has to deal with something every month.”
It was Remus’s turn to blush. “I’m just going to ignore that last comment,” he mumbled. Then, looking back up at Sirius, he furrowed his brow and asked, “Why didn’t you ever tell me? It would have saved me trying to make up an excuse every month.”
“Peter. You might want to break the news to him. James and I will even be there and pretend to be shocked so he doesn’t feel left out,” Sirius suggested with a grin. Remus rolled his eyes but smiled back. They were silent for a moment. Remus moved the thumb of his hand on Sirius’s knee in little circles absent-mindedly. Sirius ignored the way his stomach tightened at the feeling. Years of abuse made him sensitive to any form of physical affection, he told himself. Just last week James had used him as a pillow while they studied and his heart had almost burst out of his chest. Never mind that this felt… different.
Finally, Remus broke the silence. “Now you see why I was so hurt you hadn’t told me?” he said gently. “I get it, but it still hurts that you tried to hide it. You’re my friend, Sirius.”
“Yeah,” Sirius said with a sigh. “I see that now.”
They shared a small smile. But at that moment, Nurse Pomfrey returned with the medical journal and potion bottle full of a strange dark liquid. Seeing Remus there with Sirius, her excited smile became a look of confused concern.
“Oh, Mr. Lupin! Shouldn’t you be resting?” she asked. She tried to hide the journal behind her back.
“It’s fine, Nurse,” said Sirius. He covered Remus’s hand with his own and gave it a quick squeeze. “He knows.”
“Oh. In that case.” She stopped trying to hide the journal and instead handed Sirius the potion. “You still should go back to your bed, Mr. Lupin. This won’t be a pretty procedure.”
Remus set his jaw and stared Nurse Pomfrey down. “I’ll stay,” he said, his voice firm and resolute. “I’m used to not pretty procedures.”
In that moment, Sirius fell head over heels in love.
Summer, Year Five/Six.
Sirius turned over in his sleeping bag and propped himself up on one elbow. James had taken off his glasses and was about to turn off the bedside table lamp but was now waiting for Sirius to speak.
“Thank you,” said Sirius. He pushed his now shoulder-length hair out of his face with his free hand. “For letting me stay here. Really. I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Of course,” said James, bemused. “You’re my brother, how could I say no?”
Sirius grinned. He was his brother. It had been years since he had finally caved and explained his identity to James. It had been the middle of the night in their first year, and Sirius had sat across from James in the other boy’s four poster with the curtains closed, before either of them had learned about Silencing spells. James had been half-asleep and when Sirius finished talking, all he had said was, “Merlin, that’s what you woke me up for? Go to bed, you git.” When Sirius asked if he was really okay with it, James had rolled his eyes. “Of course I’m okay with it. The way I see it, you’re my brother, and I love you for who you are. Okay? Now let me go to sleep, or I’ll hex you.”
Now, here he was, lying on James’s bedroom floor in his parents’ house out in the countryside, surrounded by the constant smell of incense and turmeric like it was just another Tuesday. The Potters hadn’t asked any questions when he had appeared in their fireplace with his trunk in one hand and a bleeding upper lip. They just called for James and set about making him a cup of chai. That was all the conversation they needed to have for Sirius to move in with them.
James turned off the light. Sirius laid back down, his hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. Then, a thought occurred to him.
“James?”
“Yeah?” came James’s weary voice.
“I was thinking.”
“…Yeah?”
“About Remus.”
James groaned. “What about Remus?”
“We should become Animagi.”
The light turned back on. Sirius looked up at James, who had propped himself up and was frowning in confusion at him.
“I mean, I’m interested, but why? Where’s this coming from?” asked James.
“I was thinking that Remus could use the help. You know, on full moons and what not.”
James considered this for a moment. “Huh. Yeah. That’s a great idea, Sirius. Shouldn’t be too hard, should it?”
“That’s what I was thinking!”
“Hm. Well, we can look into it in the morning. In the meantime, good night, Sirius.”
“Night, James.”
It would take them a year to become Animagi. But the look on Remus’s face when they showed him at long last was worth it.
Winter Holiday, Year Six.
Remus was supposed to go home early that morning. He had come to visit James and Sirius at the Potters’ house for a week, but a couple of days in he had gotten an owl from his parents to come home because his father was ill.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” he told the other two as he re-read the letter to them. “Mum just gets nervous about these things, ever since… well, anyways, I’ll try and come back as soon as I can before Christmas.”
So he had packed his bags that evening and dragged them down to the kitchen. In the morning, Sirius came down, still in his pyjamas, to see him off. Remus was wearing one of his patented too-big sweaters, even though he had grown several inches in the past couple of years and was finding it hard to find anything over-sized. Sirius sleepily watched him wrap a scarf around his neck and check for the fifteenth time that he had everything. Finally, he turned to Sirius with a smile.
“Well, I guess that’s me set,” he said. Sirius blinked. So soon, he thought. But Remus would be back, he promised. And he was still standing there, wavering on the hearthstone. He was looking at Sirius in a way Sirius couldn’t quite figure out. Was it… longing? Then, without warning, Remus came up to him and, tilting Sirius’s chin up with a gentle hand, kissed him quickly on the lips. He pulled back just a fraction and whispered, “See you soon,” before turning away, grabbing his things, and making his way into the fireplace with a handful of Floo powder. He smiled at Sirius’s stunned face. He chuckled, waved, and was gone in a rush of green flames.
Sirius sat there, frozen, for an hour, until James came down for breakfast.
“You look like you saw a ghost,” said James by way of greeting. “Was it Matilda? She pops up now and again but she mainly sticks to the cellar.”
Sirius beamed. “Nah, mate,” he replied. “Just an early Christmas gift from Moony, is all.”
Remus did come back a couple days later, but said he could only stay for the weekend before he had to go back home. There was a new shadow in his eyes, a tightness in his lips and a tremor in his hand. Sirius saw all this, and said nothing, just kept an eye on the gangly boy who kept biting his nails and worrying at a hole in his jumper. The three of them got up to their usual antics – snowball fights in the garden, stealing mince pies from the kitchen when Mrs. Potter wasn’t looking, working on the Map in James’s room – but every time Sirius snuck a look at Remus, he’d see the smile fade and the nail biting start anew. Still, Sirius said nothing.
Then, that night, Sirius heard Remus get up and sneak out of James’s room. Sirius put his slippers and bathrobe on and followed.
He found Remus sitting in the garden on the snow-covered bench. The light of the half-moon illuminated his hunched form as he sat there in silence. Sirius hesitated in the doorway, unsure if he should leave the boy alone. Then he heard Remus say in a low voice,
“I know you’re there, Sirius. Werewolf, remember?”
Sirius let out the breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. He closed the door behind him as he came over to the bench. Remus shoved some more snow off the bench and patted it in invitation. Sirius sat down next to him, dramatically pulling his robe tight around him.
“It’s bloody freezing, you know,” he told Remus. Remus let out a huff – it hung in a cloud in the air, as if to make Sirius’s point.
“You didn’t have to come,” Remus argued. Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, well. You were acting odd. Had to make sure you weren’t up to something nefarious out here,” he said. He looked over at Remus with a frown. The other boy hung his head to hide his shaky smile. “Is this about what happened when you left?” Sirius asked, finally voicing the worry that had been nibbling at the back of his mind all day. “Because if it is – ”
“No, that’s not – ”
“- I just wanted to say that I actually quite liked it, could get used to it, if you know what I mean.”
Remus laughed at Sirius’s rush of words. He shook his head. In the moonlight, his golden curls took on a tarnished hue. “No,” he said again. “That’s not it.” His smile faded into a worried frown, and he wrung his hands in his lap. He took a shaky breath and said, “My dad has cancer. That’s why Mum had me come home. I just wanted to come and see you – and James, but mainly you – one more time before Christmas. Especially after I, um…”
“Ravished me with your lips?”
He chuckled. “Don’t get ahead of yourself,” he scolded teasingly. But again, the smile only lasted a moment. Sirius felt his heart twist at the pain in the other boy’s face. He scooted closer to Remus so he could lay his hand on Remus’s thigh, just like Remus had done all those years ago. Remus bit his lip.
“I’m here for you, Moons. You know that. James and I are both here for you,” Sirius said in a soft voice. Remus nodded and scrubbed away the tears building in his eyes.
“I know,” he said with a broken sigh. “I know. I just… There’s nothing I can do, you know? No magic can fix it, and the Muggle doctors don’t know how to treat it. I just feel bloody useless.”
“Hey.” Sirius gave Remus’s thigh a squeeze. “Hey. It’s going to be okay. They’re discovering all sorts of things these days. Madame Pomfrey was able to find a way to change my hormones, and they’re making all sorts of findings when it comes to treating your furry little problem. They still haven’t found a cure for James’s big-headedness, I’m afraid.” Remus laughed at this and Sirius smiled. “The point is, I’m sure it will all turn out okay.”
“You don’t know that,” Remus said thickly. Sirius turned to face him and took Remus’s head in his hands so that he could look the other boy straight in the eye.
“Yes,” Sirius said, “I do know that. You know why?” Remus shook his head, his curls sliding between Sirius’s fingers like silk. “Because you are the best and brightest person I know, and I’m not going to let anything hurt you, not even your dad’s cancer.”
Remus smiled through the tears starting to slip down his cheeks. He turned his head to press a kiss into Sirius’s palm. Sirius’s breath caught in his throat.
“You’re an idiot,” murmured Remus with a smile.
“Yeah,” Sirius conceded, “but I’m your idiot.”
Remus met his gaze again, and Sirius smiled at the old twinkle he saw rekindled there. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Remus’s. When Remus kissed him back, Sirius forgot how cold he was. Here, in Remus’s arms, he was warm, he was loved, and he was happy.
When Remus pulled away, Sirius tried to follow his lips, not ready for the moment to end. Remus grinned against the other boy’s mouth. “Happy Christmas, you idiot,” he murmured.
“Stop being sweet and kiss me,” Sirius growled. So he did.
They tried to hide it from James. James, however, wasn’t as dense as he let on.
“You can stop being coy with each other,” he said. Remus and Sirius, who had been stealing glances at each other and trying to hide their embarrassed smiles, dropped the biscuits they had been decorating.
“What are you talking about?” Sirius stuttered. Remus blushed a deep scarlet and focused all his attention on his gingerbread man. James rolled his eyes.
“Listen,” he said, “I’m happy for you two. You’ve been tip-toeing around each other for years now. But honestly it’s insulting that you’re trying to hide it.”
Sirius opened and closed his mouth like a proverbial fish out of water. “Hide what – what are you – it’s not – ”
“Pads, he knows,” Remus said, still not looking up from his gingerbread man.
“Knows what, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“Sirius. Come on.” Remus shook his head, and Sirius relaxed when he saw the other boy smile. “He’s right, and besides, we shouldn’t hide anything from each other. It never works.”
After that, Remus told James about his dad’s cancer, and let Sirius cuddle with him even when James made a face and told them to get a room. Remus was supposed to leave that evening, but Sirius and James managed to convince him to stay one more night. They stayed up late talking. When James finally turned off the light and fell asleep, Remus started to crawl into Sirius’s sleeping bag.
“Hey, careful, you’re too big for this!” Sirius hissed. Remus gave him a cheeky grin and pulled Sirius into his arms as he rolled onto his back. Sprawled across him, Sirius had to admit, they fit just fine in the one sleeping bag. He rested his chin on Remus’s bare chest – he always ran hot, and never could sleep with a shirt on, even in winter – and looked up at the other boy. Remus, one hand behind his head to prop him up while the other played with Sirius’s hair, smiled down at him.
“Let me enjoy this, would you?” Remus murmured. “It’ll be hard to hide this back at Hogwarts, so let’s just have this, okay?”
Sirius frowned. “What do you mean, hide this?” he whispered. He folded his hands beneath his chin and cocked an eyebrow at Remus. “It’s not like people would care, would they? Everyone in my family already hates me, and everyone else loves you, why would they make a fuss?”
Remus sighed as he lowered his head down. He continued to card his fingers through Sirius’s hair, and Sirius hummed contentedly. Finally, he said, “Sirius, it’s not that simple, is it though? Everyone’s accepted you’re a boy, but two boys together? I don’t know if either the Muggle or the wizarding world is quite ready for that. Did you ever hear about the Stonewall riots? They happened in New York City some years back. A bunch of gays and drag queens fought back against police brutality, and they’re still fighting to this day. Sure, there’s Pride marches and all, but that’s all in the Muggle world. Can you imagine that ever happening in the wizarding world? Think about it. People are still getting abused for being Muggle-born.”
Sirius was quiet for a long time at this. He closed his eyes, relaxing into Remus’s touch. Finally, he sat up, bracing his hands on either side of Remus’s head so he could lean over him. Remus’s breath caught in his throat. His hands came to rest on the small of Sirius’s back. Sirius shivered at his touch, but gave Remus a cheeky smile.
“You’re probably right,” Sirius began. “But we’re the Marauders. We’re not going to let bigots stop us from being happy, are we?”
Remus rolled his eyes at him, but smiled back nonetheless. “I guess you’re right,” he murmured. His fingers snuck under the hem of Sirius’s shirt to press against the skin of his back. Sirius shivered again as he lowered himself down to his elbows, his face inches away from Remus’s. Their breaths mingled in the space between them. “You’re ridiculous though, you know that right?” Remus whispered.
“No, I’m Sirius,” he corrected him with a grin. Remus chuckled.
“Idiot.”
“Your idiot.” With that, Sirius leaned down and kissed Remus, who gasped against his lips and ran his hands up under Sirius’s shirt. Sirius nibbled at Remus’s lower lip, licking into his mouth when Remus moaned. Remus ran his nails down Sirius’s back, who shuddered at the pleasure of the gentle scratch.
“Keep it down, you two,” they heard from the bed. They froze. “Some of us are trying to sleep,” James continued in a sleepy grumble.
“Sorry James,” they said in unison.
“Yeah, yeah,” James mumbled. They heard the squeak of bed springs as James rolled over in his bed. Sirius buried his face against Remus’s neck as he tried to stifle his giggles.
“Stop it, you’ll make me laugh,” Remus whispered, but Sirius could already hear the smile in his voice. To distract them both, he started to lick and suck at the skin of Remus’s neck. Remus squirmed beneath him.
“What did I just say?” James snapped. “Go the fuck to sleep!”
“Sorry James!”