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Kirishima knew that it wasn't the gifts that pleased his master, it was the fact that they felt it necessary to give them to him. Asami welcomed this day each year because it let him know where his influence lay, so counting them up was boring but necessary for him. Kirishima welcomed this day too, though maybe not for the same reason.
So when Asami strolled into his office that morning Kirishima was waiting there with a clipboard, making notes of the many boxes that were piled about, opening them because he knew Asami didn't want to be bothered. And Kirishima also knew that he'd probably score a few of the items if nothing pissed Asami off between now and the end of the day.
"What do we have this year?" His boss's voice was bored, but Kirishima knew he was listening keenly.
"Four cases of scotch, plus 23 individual bottles."
"Any of my favorite brand?"
"Asami-sama, all of them are."
The smirk appeared. "Of course they are. Continue."
"Some artwork. A Rembrandt sketch, a watercolor by Picasso, a small Remington –"
"A pistol?"
"A sculpture." Asami waved at him to go on. "And speaking of sculpture, someone sent a bronze by Henry Moore but we had to leave it outside because of its size."
"Is that what that thing was? Did it melt or is it supposed to look like that?"
He decided not to answer that, assuming instead that his master knew perfectly well who Moore was and that it was sarcasm. He guessed well.
"Either sell it or melt it down. Just get it off the front steps of my building."
"Yes, Asami-sama."
"Continue."
"The deed to that piece of land you had your eye on along the coast in Kochi for its discreet access to shipping lanes."
Asami sat up. "Really? From whom?"
"The governor."
"Hn. Send him a case of scotch. And that Moore for his government house."
Kirishima smiled at his master's innate ability to turn crap into gold. "Of course, Asami-sama."
"Continue."
The rest of the list was read off and dealt with. Asami kept most of the scotch. Not that he'd drink all of it, but it was useful as a gift. He also kept the Rembrandt, the 18K Gold Ulysse Nardin watch, and apparently on a whim, the small yacht. All he said was, "It'll be good for when I want to get away and I don't want him to."
He'd just suggested that Kirishima pick out a few gifts he'd like when a familiar bulk filled the door. Suoh glared at Kirishima and jerked his head toward the hall. Kirishima glanced at Asami, who was playing with his new watch, then ducked quickly into the hallway.
"What do you want?" He was a little harsh because he'd been interrupted while getting some great presents.
"There's another present that's been delivered."
"Well just send it in!"
"I thought you'd want to live." He gestured down the hall toward the elevator, where a 'man' stood waiting.
Kirishima's mouth fell open. Then it snapped shut. Then it opened again with a snarl. "No. No way in hell. Pay him off and get him out of here."
"Get who out of...." Asami's voice trailed off as he stepped out into the hall and looked where they were looking. "What the fuck is that?"
Kirishima and Suoh looked at each other.
"I don't pay you to gaze endearingly at each other."
Kirishima bit the bullet, even though he knew it meant no more presents. "It's a hamster."
"A hamster. With balloons."
"It's a singing hamster," Suoh put in helpfully, getting two glares for his effort.
"A singing hamster. Even better. A singing hamster with balloons. Tell me Suoh, because you seem to be the fount of all knowledge today," Suoh shivered, "To whom do I owe thanks for this singing hamster with balloons?"
Suoh closed his eyes in resignation and prepared to die. "Takaba Akihito." He was surprised by the reasonable tone of his boss's reply. Surprised but not fooled.
"Really? How thoughtful of him. I'll visit him tonight to thank him personally."
He motioned the hamster over.
The hamster cleared his throat, preparing to deliver his message. He stopped when three pistols were pointed at him.
"Wise hamster."
Asami snagged Kirishima's pen from him and stepped over to the hamster and poked one of the balloons. It popped.
Popping punctuated Asami's words. "Don't" Pop. "Ever." Pop. "Deliver. Here. Again." Pop. Pop. Pop.
And he popped all 36 balloons, each one more viciously than the last.
His phone rang, so he paused to glance at the caller ID. The finance minister. He answered. "This is Asami."
Kirishima and Suoh slowly backed away, hands over their mouths. The hamster giggled.
Asami's voice had come out in a tiny squeak from all the helium. The voice on the phone roared.
Asami thrust the phone at Kirishima. "Here, take care of this" he said in a munchkin voice, "Fuck." He glared at Suoh. "Laugh and die," he squeaked.
Suoh, whose face was bright red, had tears in his eyes from suppressing laughter. "But... it's so cute."
Asami pulled the slide back on his pistol and chambered a round.
Suoh stammered to get the words out. "In a m-manly sort of way. A very manly cute." He closed his eyes. "I'm going to die, aren't I?"
By now the hamster was leaning against the wall laughing helplessly, and all three of them turned when they realized the laughter was very familiar.
Asami grabbed the hamster by the scruff of the neck and carried him into his office. Right before he slammed the door he turned back. "Suoh, fetch me 23 helium balloons. Now. We're celebrating this hamster's birthday early."
The office door slammed shut. Suoh grabbed this chance at a stay of execution and ran. Everyone else stood around outside the door, wondering if the hamster was about to hit the fan.
Suoh eventually came back, balloons in hand (looking rather like a child molester) and made his delivery. When he left Asami's office and shut the door behind him his face was pale. His coworkers jumped up in concern, but he waved them back. "Just don't go in there."
He pulled Kirishima aside. "You'll get your presents, I don't doubt it, but buddy, you're going to be waiting a while. Did someone get him a saddle and bridle?"
"And accoutrements. Yes, I was thinking of... Oh that's disgusting. Is he...? No, no, don't tell me. I just don't want to know."
They started hearing squeaky noises from the office. Suoh winced. "That's not the sound of office furniture that needs greasing."
Kirishima agreed that was probably the case. "Unless you consider hamsters to be office furniture."
The squeaking paused. Asami poked his head out. He was wearing a Stetson and wearing a smug look. "You're right, Suoh. It sounds damned cute. Kirishima, send a case of scotch to whoever sent the riding crop."
He slammed the door shut again and moments later the squeaking started up again, this time punctuated with loud squeals.
The two bodyguards looked at each other and put their earplugs in, then texted housekeeping to be on alert for a tough one.
Three hours later a bedraggled hamster with saddle sores and his head on sideways staggered out of the office and scurried down to the elevator, bumping into it and falling over.
Asami stepped out into the hallway looking as fresh as if he'd just arisen from bed, which wasn't that far from the truth.
"What a great birthday! Suoh stop him. He never sang for me. Not quite." He turned to Kirishima. "Feel free to take any ten presents. Give everyone else one as a bonus. I'm feeling generous today."
"Thank you, Asami-sama!"
"Think nothing of it. Oh, and those two drug dealers I'd planned to kill today..."
Kirishima was shocked. "Yes?"
"Kill them anyway." Asami smirked. "The look on your face. You actually thought I'd let them live. You only get nine presents now for being stupid."
Dammit. "Of course, Asami-sama."
"But after you kill them and clean the mess up you can have the rest of the day off to play with your new toys. That's what I'm going to do with my very versatile pony here." He took hold of the captured hamster and straightened his head out. "Get along, little hamster. You've shown me what you can do under a saddle. Now we're going to ride bareback."
And lightly smacking his riding crop against the hamster's rear end, he herded him right into the elevator, the closing doors reflecting the gold of the setting sun. The hamster's dejected voice carried out to the others as his doom was sealed, "Yippii kai ei..."
Kirishima made a note in his notebook. Normally, Asami didn't care about the gifts he received. But next year, he'd make sure he received one in particular. Evidently when Asami got lucky on his birthday, so did the rest of them.
~end~