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forget-me-not: an illness that comes if one ends up with their soulmate. not much is known about 'forget-me-not' as it was almost nearly impossible for one to find their soulmate in the first place, with only a matching tattoo-like mark to serve as a clue. even rarely does this illness ever get cursed on reunited soulmates, only being afflicted on the most unlucky pair. this illness will cause one of the other half to pass out, subsequently forgetting almost everything about their relationship; their soulmate mark disappearing along with it.
take note even though the affected will forget the relationship completely, they will not forget their partner completely as a person. be it as a close friend, enemy or an acquaintance; they better hope they are lucky.
it is possible for the partner of the affected to remind them about their past memories. however, the chance of them forgetting almost everything the next day is high.
how do you cure this you may ask? well it's a two-year process. the other side of the pair has to make the affected fall in love again everyday for two years. if you are successful after the two years, the affected will retain their memories and receive back their lost memories.
if you don't, well. they forget you. completely.
but there's also a catch.
the process won't be successful; unless you truly understand what love really is to you.
—
The past two years…was a lot.
Day 1.
Jaemin was silent, trying to process the news the doctor broke out to him. Dr Lee, as it read on the name tag, gave him a sympathetic look. He pats Jaemin's back as a sign of reassurance, while parting the bed curtains to exit quietly. It was like a drama scene just….less dramatic. No tears, no hysterical screaming that echoed throughout the hospital, none of that. Jaemin was more confused than devastated really. Well, that didn't mean he wasn't distraught either.
What love was to him? 2 years?? If anything, all of that felt like a fever dream. Some kind of elaborate prank. He and Renjun were literally soulmates he thought, wasn't that already like true love in a form? Whatever. Jaemin sighed, leaning back on the chair crossing his leg over the other. There was no point moping, not when he could possibly lose his first and last. Every part of him really did love Renjun. But if someone asked what love was to him, he genuinely wouldn’t know how to react.
So Jaemin went on a mission.
To make Renjun fall for him everyday all over again,
and to somehow figure out what love really meant to him.
Day 5
He didn't know where he should even start with explaining anything to Renjun. He managed to remember Jaemin as a close friend (thank god), just like five years ago. The doctor mentioned to Jaemin that Renjun would be physically more worn out for the first few weeks, which means no work for Renjun at all . So the next few weeks would be just both of them in Renjun's cozy apartment. And more chances for Jaemin to help Renjun recall. Good thing Renjun was easy to convince as coincidentally, all he wanted to do was rest.
Jaemin also realised, Renjun liked to ask a lot of questions.
"Do you know what's going on Jaemin?" "What was I even doing before this I'm so TIRED."
Jaemin decided to tell a half-truth, saying that he passed out yesterday and was put on 2 weeks of rest. Renjun quirked an eyebrow. "That long for some flu?"
Lying wasn’t exactly Jaemin’s favourite activity, especially not to Renjun. A part of him wanted to go straight into telling him everything. But he stopped himself. Neither him or Renjun were ready to speak or process anything right now. What Renjun needed most was rest. Although, Renjun didn't seem as lethargic as Jaemin thought he would.
Renjun continued, "But-"
"You wanna watch a movie?"
“You look a little suspicious right now Na. But you’re lucky I’m tired and in a mood for a good Disney movie.”
There was something quite nostalgic about this moment; both of them lying on opposite sides of the extra long couch. Both close to tears 10 minutes into watching Up. It reminded Jaemin of a simpler, more peaceful time before all of this even started. Just them on a sunday afternoon, binging on movies till who knows when with the others. They came to keep Jaemin company before Renjun managed to wake up. “Being alone for too long can do things to people.” Donghyuck said as he took a sip of his earl grey tea from one of Renjun's many mugs. It was a cute one ; a tiny black cat resting on a broomstick.
But Donghyuck was right. Jaemin didn't know how he would stay sane if the group of 5 didn't appear at the doorstep of Renjun's apartment. Although they were not the best with words, their presence was enough to give Jaemin some sort of comfort. And that was all that really mattered for now. His train of thought was broken by Renjun's laughter after a particularly funny scene. God, Jaemin loved Renjun's smile. The way his nose would scrunch up, the way his eyes crinkled into tiny crescents, the way his laugh sounded so oddly melodic. All these features pieced together to create something Jaemin had come to love, probably going as far back as since they first met.
“God I really do love you.” Jaemin blurted out.
"What?"
Wait fuck.
Jaemin's worries began to dissipate however when a smirk began to form on Renjun's lips.
"Guess I kind of do too loser."
It was just those few words. But somehow those simple words were just enough to make Jaemin's heart swell.
God, he really is in deep.
Day 13
Today, Jaemin remembered that Renjun was absolutely the worst at games.
"What if I hit this dude with a knife?"
"Renjun, I think the technical term you are looking for is 'stab'."
"Ah….right."
Something about Renjun trying his absolute best in something he absolutely sucked at was well...admirable. But that was a quality of Renjun's that Jaemin loved; his determination. Renjun was never one to give up easily. Not at all. The two weeks he had used taking care of Renjun made Jaemin recall many things. Small things about Renjun, their sacred moments together. Especially one particular moment that stuck with Jaemin the whole time.
---------
Only six months into their friendship, Jaemin and Renjun already had that strong bond that none of them could explain. Of course, Jaemin found first that he and Renjun were….something more than that. Their soulmate marks; two separated matching puzzle pieces. One in pink and one in yellow, both which happened to be Jaemin and Renjun's favourite colours. Jaemin finding out wasn't intentional really; Renjun's sleeve coming up a little to show a tiny yellow puzzle piece on his upper arm.
At that point, Jaemin didn't know if he was supposed to laugh or cry. He had already liked Renjun from the start. It was like a strong force that drew him closer to Renjun every passing moment when they met. As if every bright smile Renjun sent his way would make Jaemin fall for him even harder. But, more than that, Jaemin was scared. Anyone with a soulmate mark knew about the unlucky consequences that could come from soulmates reunited. Who would want the one they love to forget them completely? Even worse, possibly forever? Jaemin didn't want that for himself and especially not for Renjun.
So he stayed away. Avoided Renjun at all costs. Looking back on that was a stupid move, he cringed internally. But that was the only solution past Jaemin could come up with. He ignored Renjun's messages and calls to no end. It was even worse whenever Renjun approached him in the university halls. All Jaemin could do was muster up his most natural straight face, come up with a shitty excuse, and leave without even a single glance back. (It wasn't really effective, Jaemin wasn’t the best at lying after all.) Jaemin felt like he was the biggest asshole ever. The feeling was definitely mutual as Renjun proceeded to spam the doorbell of Jaemin's rented apartment after being avoided for a month straight.
DING DING DING DING
Jaemin groaned, just beginning to get comfortable on his single bed. Assuming it was his forgetful roommate, Jaemin was prepared to nag once again as he dragged himself towards the entrance. "Donghyuck I swear to god you literally have keys for a reason…...oh." Of course, there stood Renjun, eyebrows furrowed and arms crossed.
"Jaemin we need to talk."
Time seemed to pass slower that day as Renjun and Jaemin dragged their feet towards the nearby park in silence. The same park where their relaxing night strolls would always take place. The same bench where they would lounge and talk about anything hours on end. Funny moments, happy moments, their sad moments, their best moments ; they shared everything under the sun. Or more accurately, under the towering lamppost at 2am.
Jaemin always looked forward to them weekly. But now it was just them, an awkward distance apart, intense awkward silence and nervous thoughts. It was obvious both of them had too many things to say. But where could they even start?
"So-"
"It's the soulmate mark isn't it."
Jaemin looked at Renjun with wide eyes. Well that was a conversation starter. Everything passed in a whirl. Both of them had so many questions. And both of them needed answers. "Renjun how did you even know?" Jaemin asked questioningly. "I saw your puzzle piece once. It happened to look like it would fit with my own. You can piece together how I figured out after that." Renjun laughed as Jaemin threw his head back, letting out a groan.
"That could have been a tattoo I got you wouldn't know!"
"You weren't even planning to get a tattoo Jaemin. Don’t you always joke about not needing tattoo ink running through your veins since coffee already did enough?"
Maybe Renjun knew Jaemin a little too well than he thought he did. And maybe he should start drinking less coffee.
Moments of jokes, questions and comfortable silence ensued. But it was obvious Jaemin and Renjun were avoiding the main issue at hand. Both pairs of eyes gazing at each other, all while ignoring the obvious humongous elephant standing right before them. After beating around the bush for what seemed like ages, Renjun finally grew a pair and asked. He hesitated a bit before taking in a short breath,
"So why were you so scared Jaemin?"
Jaemin felt Renjun's choice of words were not accurate enough. He is still scared. Scared of what has yet to come. Scared of losing the people he loved. Namely, the ever so caring boy 20 centimetres across him.
But the words Jaemin spoke up with were barely close to the thoughts running through his frenzied head.
"You know exactly what could happen if we get together Renjun." Jaemin sighed and leaned back on the bench, with it creaking a little. "And I don't want to risk anything for both of us. Risking you getting hurt is the last thing I want for you Renjun I just-"
"No I know, Jaemin." Renjun faced Jaemin, tilting his head a little.
Just because it won't come easily
Doesn't mean we shouldn't try
"Renjun did you seriously just sing a part of a song to try and convince me?" Jaemin groaned. Renjun laughed before continuing, "I meant it for real though." Jaemin let out an obnoxiously loud sigh, resting his arms on the back of the bench in the process. "I can't stand you sometimes, Huang Renjun." Renjun chuckled and jokingly tried to punch him in the arm. In which Jaemin avoided easily while his nose scrunched up while laughing.
"Glad to know you love me so much, Mister Na Jaemin." Renjun said sarcastically.
But oh god did Jaemin really love him.
---------
Jaemin was brought back to the present by the light sounds of Renjun’s snores. He fell asleep by accident on Jaemin’s lap. He brushed his hair through Renjun’s smooth charcoal black hair. "What if I told you that I love you?." Jaemin whispered towards no one in particular. Renjun subconsciously leaned into his touch, half-heartedly muttering a "That would be nice", before falling back into dreamland with a small smile gracing his features.
Jaemin sighed. Yeah that would be nice wouldn’t it?
Day 48
The past 30-something days were possibly the most frustrating days Jaemin has ever faced. Actually everything was frustrating really. Picture going from friends to finding out you are soulmates then 5 years later you plan to propose to said soulmate but on that same day he faints and turns out he contracted some rare soulmate illness or curse or whatever that makes them forget everything about your relationship. So everything goes you know……..bad.
But then said soulmate does not forget you per say.
They just forget every single moment of "I love you"s that you both ever had, but then not you as a person. No one knows, it just happens? Then you can't really help them recall much because most of your future actions, words, or mentionings of any sort of romantic love gets erased from their memory and you basically have to start all over again the next day. Like some kind of bad drinking experience, the black-out-completely-forgetting-everything-the-next-day kind. And the cycle would always continue.
It all sounded like some cheesy melodramatic storyline, Jaemin thought as he grimaced, eyebrows furrowed. Unfortunately, this was as real as it could get. Even worse, Jaemin's "Make Renjun Fall In Love With Him Again Everyday" plan didn't exactly go smoothly as planned. As much as he wanted to spend every single day, hour, minute and second helping Renjun recall and relive their moments every single day; life had to go on somehow.
Time obviously couldn't stop just for them to patch everything. Life wasn't amazing enough to work like that. After Renjun's two week break to recover from his "extremely bad flu", he had to continue with his normal life routine. Inevitably, Jaemin had to continue with his too. Renjun did his radio DJ work on weekday nights; sometimes helping Jaemin if he had art classes that day.
Jaemin spent his weekdays teaching kids at a kindergarten. So every weekday, Jaemin would take his time to wrap up his work at the kindergarten, sometimes taking peaks at the pink-orange gradient sunset outside the window on the right of his desk. He would then show up at the radio station where Renjun DJ-ed at, which conveniently happened to be a 20 minute drive away. Renjun’s apartment also happened to be just a 5 minute drive from Jaemin’s. Coupling both of them together, Jaemin would always use it as an excuse to fetch Renjun everytime. Their conversations always went as such: “You seem have a lot of time on your hands, Jaemin.” “Consider this a good deed done Huang.” So Renjun just went with it. Today wasn't any different, Jaemin showing up at the station just before Renjun finishes up his program. Today's last segment was on dumb incidents.
"-hope today made you think twice about crashing your car into your neighbour's fence. Your neighbour playing ear-splittingly shitty country music edm remixes on their booming speakers is not worth damaging your car. Your ears already did enough damage." Renjun happened to look in Jaemin’s direction, in which Jaemin half-humorously gave a judging half-raised eyebrow in return. Renjun rolled his eyes exaggeratedly before turning back to the mic. "And that's all for today, I will see you guys back here the day after that! Our final song will be..."
Jaemin kind of dazed out after that. He wasn't sure if it was the long day wearing him out. Two kids at kindergarten thought it was a great idea to splash all the paint they had from arts & craft on their pristine bright enough yellow walls. That was hell to clean up. Jaemin spent ages scrubbing it off, while the sounds of Jungwoo chiding the kids could be heard faintly in the background. Or instead, it might be how Jaemin was absolutely captivated by Renjun in his element. He loved the energy Renjun carried while he was doing something he absolutely loved. Renjun had always talked about how he wanted to host a radio show someday. Anyone could see how passionate he was. And look where he was now. Something about knowing Renjun was happy where he was gave Jaemin some sort of calmness among his range of worries. Even if Renjun could possibly end up forgetting Jaemin completely, ultimately Jaemin just wanted Renjun to stay happy.
"Jaemin? Jaemin are you there???" Renjun asked, raising his eyebrow at Jaemin. The Jaemin that was barely awake, fist on his cheek in an attempt to keep him upright. Of course that didn't work as well in keeping him focused. Jaemin stretched his arms, "Yes I am very, super, extremely here and awake." "You don't have to wait for me here all the time Jaemin." Renjun sighed while ruffling the back of his head. "You should have headed back earlier to rest; teaching and taking care of kids everyday must be a nightmare." Jaemin chuckled at Renjun's remark.
"But why would I miss out on spending more time with you?"
Renjun groaned, in a failed attempt to hide the growing blush on the apples of his cheeks. Jaemin internally thanked himself that he was awake enough to catch it.
"So are we ready to go Renjun?"
Renjun smiled, "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"
Day 120
"Any questions?"
Karin raised her tiny hand.
"Is Mr Renjun going to come back?"
Jaemin sighed, boxes of crayons still in his hands. How was he going to tell these kids that because of some dumb curse-like disease Renjun forgot almost every moment he shared with him; which may or may not included Renjun's weekly visits to the kindergarten. And of course, everything pointed to Renjun forgetting completely about it; his no-show streak going on week 17.
Jaemin snapped out of his thoughts, setting down the crayons as he tried to pull for an answer. "Um...Ren- I mean Mr Renjun has been really busy lately so he hasn't been able to visit you guys lately." Jaemin clapped his hands together, cooing with a pout.
Well that sucked
"But he's standing there right now." Wooseok's mouth opened, finger pointed towards the doorway. With an eyebrow raised, Jaemin turned around. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, Renjun was right there. Grinning ear-to-ear clad in his beige hoodie and rough black jeans. Carrying a bag of cookies (from the bakery nearby) in hand. "Glad to see you guys missed me so much."
Being high-tension excessively energetic kids, they charged towards Renjun at full speed. The noise of questions and numerous "i miss you"s filled the classroom at full capacity. Before anything got messy, Jaemin clapped his hands; capturing the attention of all the kids.
"Okay everyone snack break!!" Jaemin announced he took Renjun's bag of cookies, setting it down on the green polypropylene plastic table. "Hyunggu make sure everyone gets one cookie each, understand?" Hyunggu hummed in response running towards the table, the sound of small feet pattering as the other kids followed suit.
"Everyone please don't make a mess alright yeah-
okay Renjun what are you doing here?"
Renjun frowned, "I don't know…..it's weird." Jaemin's face mirrored Renjun's expression. "What do you mean?" "It's like…...I completely forgot about this routine ever happening. Then suddenly I just I don't know….remembered it again." Renjun said, voice masked with uncertainty.
Well the doctor didn't mention anything about this happening, did he?
Jaemin hissed in a breath with a shake of his head, before asking again. "So you just happened to remember again?" "I guess I did? Maybe the days I passed out and knocked out cold the flu made me forget about it,who knows?" Renjun joked about, jabbing Jaemin with his elbow.
Maybe both of them got lucky.
"Haha yeah the flu…right." Jaemin's eyes shifted towards the kids, who were in the middle of their mini catching game. He could see a small smile etched on Renjun's lips from his peripheral vision. "The kids really missed you Renjun." Jaemin brought up, letting out a sigh.
Maybe it wasn't just the kids that missed a part of Renjun.
"Are you staying to teach them how to paint this time?" Jaemin asked, fingers secretly crossed at the back. Renjun pretended to be in deep thought, head tilt finger on cheek and all. He flashed the same bright smile towards Jaemin, his signature soulmate mark appearing and disappearing again once more.
"Why wouldn't I?"
Time to grab the canvases and paintbrushes from the backroom.
Day 350
Jaemin had pictured many possible situations to go down within the two years; his face being inches away from Renjun's, back flat on the white fur rug wasn't exactly one of them. Just hours before, all of them gathered at Jaemin's apartment, well except for Chenle it was supposed to be a surprise. Mark also made Jaemin and Renjun in charge of baking the cake. "You only did this because you knew you would set the kitchen on fire just by turning on the oven did you." Jaemin taunted playfully. Mark rolled his eyes, waiting for Renjun to be out of earshot before speaking again, "I'm only doing this to help both of you. You better make it count."
"Okay okay I got it now shoo go with Jeno to get snacks. The queues at the supermarket will start to snake around this time." Jaemin advised, flicking his hand as a sign for them to start leaving. The words "thank you" weren't exactly prominent in Jaemin's vocabulary bank. But Jaemin really did appreciate Mark for doing what he could to help. And he knew Mark was able to feel his gratitude one way or another too.
But oh boy was it a mess. The first hour was just them lazing around. Or more specifically; Jaemin trying to convince Renjun to get off the couch…..all while he was curled up in the huge red beanbag.
"Renjun I think we should start now."
"Hmm….I don't think we should."
"Okay sounds like a plan."
"Jaemin what if we just buy a cake across the street. They wouldn't even know."
"Because it's always better to bake from the heart."
"...you mean the oven?"
"Renjun no."
After the one hour, Jaemin had a plan. "Jaemin what are you doing-" Renjun's confusion was replaced by giggles as Jaemin's fingers started tickling and poking at every one of his ticklish spots. Renjun laughed uncontrollably, tears threatening to fall as he squirmed his hardest out of Jaemin's grip. Once he saw Jaemin's out-of-breath state, Renjun took the opportunity to use his remaining strength to flip himself over.
Thus, bringing back to the situation at hand. One wrong move and Renjun would end up face first on Jaemin. Well, it didn't sound that bad of an idea to Jaemin at all. From then it was just even more silence. Silence and intense eye contact. Jaemin gulped before Renjun before asking him.
"Should we move?"
Renjun grinned mischievously, bringing his arms down to rest them on Jaemin's broad chest. Jaemin began to wonder if Renjun could feel his heart beating as if he just ran two marathons in a row. However, he didn't really need an answer after Renjun's response.
"...what if we just stayed like this?"
Jaemin's eyes gazed into Renjun's own. Looking into his eyes felt like he could see all the stars the universe could possibly have. There was something so dazzling about the look in Renjun's eyes. It was like they had a power to pull Jaemin closer and closer, just to close the distance. "Hmm…" Jaemin teased, earning a smack from Renjun right smack on his chest.
yes we shall."
Day 417
" jaemin you seriously are Not
planning to wait for me to finish
up everything are you "
" but why can't i 🤨"
" i'm going to pre-record
radio stuff until like 11pm
are you insane "
"..and??"
"..."
"well???😁"
"...god i can't stand you"
"see you in 5 huang,
i will be waiting for you
then😗"
"if you get cranky at the kids
tomorrow it's on you not me !!"
Jaemin smiled before tossing the phone in the direction of the leather seat beside him. The traffic light turned green, signalling Jaemin to step on the gas and push ahead. Oh the things he would do for the people he loves. Whether it was 2 days, 2 years or who knows how long, he would always wait for Renjun the same.
No matter how long it takes
Day 468
This was one of the most memorable days, Jaemin thought back. Magical, in fact.
It was Renjun's birthday that day. It all started with Jaemin taking Renjun to the beach; where they first said their "I love you"s under the sunset. Jaemin remembered it as clear as day. But today wasn't about him, it was about Renjun. "Are you going to take this blindfold off me now?" Renjun barely staying balanced as Jaemin pushed him towards their destination. Jaemin undid his blindfold, his grin being the first thing Renjun saw. "Happy birthday Renjun."
Fairy lights were hung over some sort of wooden structure, sparkling like beautiful stars that complemented the gradient-like pink orange sky. And in the center was a circle dance floor, built in the middle of the beach. They would always frequent here in the past to just do whatever they wanted. Of course, he didn’t really expect Renjun to remember those moments either way, for now. Jaemin admired Renjun's bedazzled expression from the center of the dance floor. His eyes seemed to shine way brighter than any kind of fairy light or star in the world. Renjun really was his star. "Are you not going to ask why I did this for you?"
The edges of Renjun's lips lifted up slightly, eyes still fixated on the beaming yellow lights. "I would but all of this somehow just seems very…...Jaemin of you. You know? Like it's something you would do somehow." Jaemin fought back the growing grin on his face. "And how would you know that, Huang?"
"I guess I just do."
Jaemin kicked the sand below him, his smile growing bigger by the second. "Of course you do." And so there they were, eyes locked, hearts beating twice as fast. Jaemin finally asked, extending his arm.
“Will you dance with me, Renjun?”
Renjun's dress-shoes tapped faintly onto the dance floor, fading to a halt as he basked in Jaemin's radiating warmth. Resting his hand on Jaemin's slightly larger one, he chuckled,
"Why wouldn't I?"
And so they danced the night away, occasional giggles filling the air as the light of day faded away to a velvety black night sky. The smell of saltwater, the evening breeze caressing them, the cheesy saying that Jaemin would describe as them "being together as one"; he wouldn't trade this moment for anything else in the world. To say the least, it was just
perfect.
Day 536
“It’s a shooting star Jaemin, make a wish!” Renjun exclaimed excitedly, finger following the bright star that shot across the night sky. Jaemin jokingly rolled his eyes, earning him a slap on the arm. “Do shooting star wishes even come true?” Jaemin questioned. “Well you wouldn’t know until you try, wouldn’t you?” Renjun retorted with a grin. “Now hurry up, close your eyes.” “Okay fine whatever you say Huang.” Jaemin groaned exaggeratedly before shutting his eyes.
A couple moments later, Renjun shook Jaemin by the shoulder to grab his attention. “Done with your wish?” Jaemin glanced up at the almost cloudless dark sky. “Sure am.” They continued their way towards Jaemin’s car from the radio station. “So what did you wish for?” Renjun asked, nudging Jaemin with his elbow. “Well if I tell you it won’t come true wouldn’t it?” Jaemin humorously answered back, causing Renjun to suppress a giggle. “Guess you really want this wish to come true huh.”
Well, he really did hope it would.
Day 725
Jaemin was just about to doze off, head empty onto his fluffed-up pillow. All of a sudden, the sharp sounds of not one, not two but three message notifications 'pinged' up. Being disrupted from his time of rest, Jaemin groaned as he blindly tried to reach out for his phone on the bedside table.
"hi"
"are you up or wtv🙄"
"wake the fuck up❤❤"
Jaemin chuckled, thumb swiping right to key in the passcode. His eyes squinted a little due to the sudden brightness of the screen. Maybe I should have changed the settings to night mode instead god. Jaemin's finger began tapping along the screen.
"very unlike you to be
awake at this time huh huang🤨"
"well yeah but"
"...but??"
"i've just been thinking
about stuff"
"well don't we all"
"im serious you fuck😭"
"then sleep❤"
"if i could sleep i wouldn't
be texting you
now would i❤❤"
". guess you have
a point"
Jaemin paused for a while, in deep thought before typing once more.
"lets meet somewhere"
He learnt to just live in the moment, enjoying every single raw moment they had without thinking too much about it. Even if Renjun ended up forgetting most of their heartfelt moments most of the time, he learnt to have trust in Renjun. That love would find a way for the both of them. Maybe that was what fate wanted to teach him; to love everyday as if it was his last.
"Don't you just love moments like these?" Renjun whispered out, head turning right to face him. Jaemin stretched out his arms with a groan, folding them between the blades of grass and hair. "Sure do." And so there they were, both bodies resting on the hill in the park filled with sentimental memories. The park where they shared their first moments, happiest moments and so much more. The atmosphere was calming; small flowers in different shades of yellow, blue and pink popping out like sprouts out of the hill, the moon shining at its brightest, a still yet comfortable silence enveloping both of them. As much as Jaemin loved moments like these, Renjun being there was what made it extra special. It didn't matter what moment it was, Renjun made every single part of it heart-flutteringly breathtaking.
That was a feeling Jaemin grew to love even more as the years passed. He learnt to appreciate all the smallest moments of his life; because that was where all the happiness came from. He thought his main purpose was to help Renjun recall. Instead, the past 2 years were filled with Jaemin learning more things about his soulmate, experiencing every exhilarating moment they shared. Renjun’s lack of ability to retain most of those memories did hurt Jaemin a great deal at times. But constantly, he would always pick himself up again. Telling himself that somewhere, just somewhere deep enough, Renjun felt the same way too. And he knew he always would.
Jaemin heard a small yawn dragged out from his side. The break from the silence encouraged him to speak up, head tilting slightly to face Renjun. “So what stuff were you thinking about this late at 2am?”, Jaemin asked. He could hear Renjun’s breath hitch slightly in his throat, exhaling with a sigh. “It’s just that…”, Renjun exhaled again before shifting his eyes to gaze into Jaemin’s. Jaemin reached out his hand, softly rubbing Renjun’s knuckles as a sign of reassurance. Before all the incidents, this was his go-to when he wanted to comfort Renjun in some way. He wasn’t one to show affection through words, from what he noticed. That was just….how he shows that he loves someone.
As if on command, Renjun’s body relaxed, back lying still on the bed of grass once more. He continued, “I keep having these deja vu moments somehow. Sometimes when I go on with my day I suddenly well...see us.” Jaemin “hmm-ed” as a response, though it did not match the sudden tinge of melancholy pulling at his heartstrings one by one. “All those moments of us, they all felt so real. It was like they were distant memories calling out to me.” Renjun sat up, his arms bending to support him up into a sitting position. “But why can’t I remember them happening at all?” Now it was Jaemin’s turn to sit up right, rubbing circles onto Renjun’s knuckles once more. “I’m sure it’s not a big deal Renjun, it’s fine.” Jaemin sighed softly. He lied.
“No it’s not fine.” He groaned, pulling his hand from Jaemin’s touch. “These things only happen when it comes to you, not anyone else. And I’m worried, I don’t know what’s going on. It feels like I’m going insane Jaemin. It has been more than a year but why do I see you, and only you?” The following silence was dense, with Jaemin and his half-asleep mind trying to come up with coherent sentences.
“...so what moments of us did you see?” Renjun scoffed at Jaemin’s response, averting his gaze towards the rustling leaves. “You know what I’m talking about, Na.” Jaemin laughed a little as he rested his palms on the soil, “Guess you can see right through me, Huang.”
“And the past year, it always felt like I lost a chunk of my memories with you, every single day. You and I both know me forgetting my weekly sessions with your kindergarten kids wasn’t some coincidence Jaemin. Who knows what else I forgot god.” Jaemin noticed a shift in Renjun. Although Renjun’s voice remained calm, he could hear how it was starting to shake, trembling a little. How his eyes were starting to glisten; and it wasn’t from just from the moonlight. Jaemin knew it all too well, it was a part of Renjun that always hurt him the most. Renjun always wanted to put up a strong front, so that people wouldn’t feel bad for him. But instead, it always made Jaemin feel worse. All he wanted was for Renjun to know that it was okay to let everything out without worrying about the outcomes. That was really all he wanted. Before Renjun could say anything else, Jaemin wrapped him into his warm embrace. A gasp elicited past Renjun’s lips, before he softened within the space between Jaemin’s arms. “I hope you know regardless of what you are going through, I will always be here for you the same.” He took a deep breath before going on.
“Trust me, I’m going through some things too, so much. It may seem tough but we can get through this together, I know we can. There hasn’t been a day where I stopped caring for you Renjun.” Jaemin felt a tear run down on his cheek. “You are not alone Renjun, you can trust me on that.” He pulled back, resting both of his hands on Renjun’s shoulders. “Will you trust me, Renjun?” Renjun pulled Jaemin into a hug this time, head buried in the crook of Jaemin’s neck. More tears began to flow, damping the fabric of Jaemin’s oversized shirt.
“Of course I will.”
Jaemin hugged Renjun tighter. “Thank you.”, he whispered beside Renjun’s ear, bodies relaxing against each other. “Thank you so much.”
Both of them had things to say, but they didn’t need to transfer them through words, they could feel it somehow.
Will we be okay?
Jaemin patted his back.
Of course we will, soon.
Promise?
Promise.
Day 731
A yell of his name caused Jaemin to snap out of his thoughts. Renjun waved his arm from the distance, the brightest smile growing on his face. As Renjun made his way over, Jaemin thought about the wish he made. He really did find out what love was to him after all. Love to him came in the form of experiencing the small parts of happiness in life. Love to him was building trust in each other. True love was them being able to understand each other, even if none of them uttered a single word.
People had their own definition of love, this was Jaemin's. Love felt like two puzzle pieces joining together to finish a 10000 piece puzzle picture; it felt complete. The pure feeling of loving someone……..just felt right. Those were the only 3 words Jaemin could think off on the top of his head. Yet, they were enough to describe it perfectly.
He heard a set of footsteps growing louder with every step, the pair finally stopping before him. The light from the lamppost highlighted Renjun’s features perfectly, the cool evening breeze slightly messing his hair a little. There he was; his love. All Jaemin felt about love would never be complete without Renjun. He was what made everything come alive. Everything about Renjun just made Jaemin feel a little more complete. So technically if someone asked Jaemin what love was to him, he would answer with “Renjun”. Because if love was a word, it would be him, and it always will be.
The whole process was hell. But he knew if he had to go through everything again for another 2 years, both of them will still fall for each other the same. But for now, all he wanted to do was to live more memories with him. Jaemin knew something in Renjun was different from the past 2 years, but it was good. Renjun looked into his eyes this time with knowledge, trust, love and retained memories. He was planning to propose, the ring box hidden snug in his jacket pocket. If Renjun wasn’t ready, he was okay with it. Because no matter how long till time ceases, Jaemin will still love Renjun the same. And he wouldn’t want it any other way.
Renjun’s hand reached out, “You ready to go?” Jaemin intertwined his hand with Renjun’s, forming a perfect fit. He pressed a chaste kiss on Renjun’s forehead. It was short; but both of them knew exactly what the message within that kiss really held.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”