Work Text:
one
Uenoyama glared upwards at the top of the stairwell. Who the hell is that? He grumbled to himself, seeing a random stranger lying down on the landing.
The boy almost stomped forward, tempted to wake the intruder up and scold him for invading his spot, the only place in school that was quiet enough for him to shut out the rest of the world. But he stopped himself, seeing that the other person was curled around a bright red guitar, sleeping.
Uenoyama blinked. If he squinted hard enough, he could see the strings on the instrument clearly, and he noticed that one of them was snapped, left broken.
A million questions ran through his mind, but the frown on his face was enough to communicate his irritation. He just wanted this guy gone. But before he could open his mouth to say something, the boy on the ground stirred, as if sensing another presence by him. Uenoyama just watched as he sat upwards, still gripping the guitar as if it were his lifeline. Uenoyama had half a mind to let him know that wasn’t good for the instrument, but he let the inkling go.
It was when the stranger opened his eyes fully, staring at Uenoyama with such blankness, that surprised him enough to pay attention to them. Those eyes were deep, wide yet closed off at the same time, that made him suspect there was a sadness hidden somewhere within.
But at the moment, he didn’t say anything about it; he had no place.
Perhaps it was after he fixed the stranger’s guitar string, after he strummed the first chord, and after he looked up again at those sad eyes, which had finally shone with some semblance of life, that he knew he was in deep trouble.
“Please teach me how to play guitar, Uenoyama-kun.”
His grimace deepened then and he refused, so many times after that first plea. But Mafuyu’s face (he learned his name then too) never faltered, which should’ve signaled to Uenoyama that he was going down a path that he might regret later on.
And that voice.
Mafuyu’s voice, one that rang clear like a bell, lacing its tune with such longing that Uenoyama never thought someone so young could know. When he heard that melody, it rattled his entire being to the core, kindling a passion he had long forgotten and moving his soul in a way he had never experienced before.
Maybe that was the first time he felt truly moved by someone, inspired by a complete stranger, that he fell in love with music again and opened his heart to feelings which should’ve scared the hell out of him.
But he dived headfirst anyways.
two
Until Mafuyu started learning the guitar and he opened his mouth to sing that song, he didn’t know what he felt most days.
It wasn’t like his mind was ever empty; for as long as he could remember, his thoughts were always running, fleeing past the corners of his mind like an endless film reel. But he could never sort them out, and it was always so confusing. People saw him as someone who wore a blank face, but he just couldn’t be bothered in telling them what he was really thinking.
And it wasn’t until he met someone new that he could finally confront everything he buried deep inside himself.
Mafuyu remembered, one day after the earlier practices of Uenoyama’s band when he only watched their rehearsal, that he was left alone with said boy. Kaji-san and Haruki-san were out smoking, leaving the high school boys to fend for themselves.
Mafuyu sat curled up on the floor, hugging his knees and resting his chin behind them. The guitar next to him was hidden in its case, barely touching his arm. Back then, he had been able to handle a few chords, but he was nowhere near as good as Uenoyama. He still wasn’t; the blisters on his fingers were evident of his strenuous practices, but it would take a while before he reached the other boy’s advanced level.
Uenoyama was fiddling with some equipment when Mafuyu’s eyes flitted upwards, watching him behind droopy eyes. He wasn’t tired, but his body felt heavy, as if a shadow was latched onto his back, weighing him down. He didn’t know why, so rather than lingering on the thought, he focused on something else.
Uenoyama had noticed him quickly, glancing down at the boy and a confused expression appeared on his face. Mafuyu saw that familiar scowl which always seemed to accompany his look, and he wanted to smooth out the area between his eyebrows where his face scrunched the most.
“What?” If Mafuyu didn’t know better, he’d think Uenoyama was being hostile, given the harshness of his tone. But somehow, he thought it was just the way he was.
“Uenoyama-kun.” Mafuyu’s voice didn’t sound any different; it came out soft, almost dreamlike. But Uenoyama stopped in his movements, shaking his head as he sat down directly opposite of Mafuyu, crossing his legs as he slumped forward. He stared at him, waiting for him to continue.
It was a little while before Mafuyu could gather any words to say. He barely noticed Uenoyama fidgeting in place, getting more impatient and uncomfortable as the silence dragged on. But Mafuyu was content; sometimes silence was better than filling it with meaningless chatter, in his opinion.
He was eating his words as he let out something he didn’t really think about before speaking. “Have you ever been hurt before?”
Mafuyu looked at Uenoyama, his chin now resting atop his knees. He still gripped his knees together, watching the other boy’s expression change into slight apprehension. Uenoyama seemed to contemplate the question for a few moments before letting out a sigh.
“No.” A few shadows passed on his face, and Mafuyu thought he was going to say something else. But they both settled in the silence again, the tension somehow dissipating in the air.
Mafuyu didn’t know then, but Uenoyama refrained from asking more because he saw the sadness lingering behind those orange tinted irises. Mafuyu also didn’t know that within himself, those sorts of emotions were threatening to spill out like waterfalls, swallowing up his entire being and drowning him in utter grief.
Time passed, and though Mafuyu remained aloof most of the time, he had gotten better at noticing things around him, especially if they involved Uenoyama. He felt warmth radiating from the boy’s body whenever they sat close to one another, sharing earphones or comparing guitar fingerings. Uenoyama’s touch lingered on his arm for a few seconds longer when he adjusted Mafuyu’s positioning, or helped guide him through the busy streets of the city. Mafuyu saw his beautiful blue eyes dart around nervously sometimes, to avoid looking at Mafuyu directly or to be on the lookout if anyone was coming around.
That was only when they were left alone, in the quiet moments, when nothing was going on and Mafuyu had the time to stare at the boy in front of him. He wondered how he was lucky enough to find someone to fix the guitar in his hands, how he managed to find another person who noticed him, took time to teach him and look out for him. He wondered if things would always stay this way.
The fears and doubts he didn’t know he had came to fruition when the guitar string snapped for the second time, just before a performance that Mafuyu had no words to sing to. He never felt pressured, he just felt confused . Like always.
And it wasn’t until Uenoyama fixed the guitar, again, when he told Mafuyu that he liked his sound and his own has been warped and disconnected in the best way possible, that Mafuyu felt his heart throb, his own strings pull and tighten until they were on the verge of snapping. It was like he heard Uenoyama strum that guitar for the first time all over again, his eardrums ringing a melody so beautiful that it washed over him like a wave.
Mafuyu didn’t remember the performance. He couldn’t really remember the song he sang, but he remembered the way his fingers slipped on the guitar strings, the way he glanced to his left and locked eyes with Uenoyama, who looked back at him with the proudest expression and a small smile. It shook Mafuyu to the core, and he felt his lips wobble and the corners of his eyes filling with unexpected tears. They didn’t spill just then, but the lump in his throat ached and the hollow part of his chest was the emptiest it had ever felt in his entire life.
Mafuyu’s body had moved on its own afterwards, walking offstage while slumped against Uenoyama. He remembered hanging onto his shirt, head down and body shaking with exhaustion and adrenaline and pure relief . Relief that he had finally sang. Relief that he had finally let his heart out, unbeknownst to the one who left him behind and the one standing in front of him.
“Thank you for getting me this far,” His voice trembled. “Thank you for-”
And when he brought his head up, the raven-haired boy crashed his lips against his. Time slowed, and nothing around him seemed real. His lips were soft, hesitant, but they tasted sweet and Mafuyu was lost in Uenoyama’s scent engulfing every one of his senses. Mafuyu’s eyes remained open, and the tears were finally gathering up. He barely heard Uenoyama’s words of encouragement before he left for the stage again.
“You did so good out there.” He brought his hands up to Mafuyu’s hair and caressed his head ever so gently before brushing past him.
Mafuyu could only stare at him, the boy he was falling for fast, faster than he could ever fall for someone.
It was in that moment he knew that maybe, just maybe, he could truly love someone else again.
three
For Uenoyama, the next few days were a blur.
Mafuyu fell sick after the performance and Uenoyama, in his fashion, had every urge to scold, worry about, and wrap the boy in his arms and never let go. It was almost funny to think how much had changed since the first time he laid eyes on Mafuyu, like the world and fate had other things in mind about what they would turn out to be.
Which in fact, scared the living daylights out of Uenoyama.
As soon as he remembered that he kissed Mafuyu, the brain cells he had left short-circuited, leaving him a wreck. He spent days and nights mulling over everything, wondering if he made the wrong choice, stuck thinking that maybe the boy had too much on his plate. There was still so much Uenoyama didn’t know about him, about the sadness that still lingered in those eyes.
He and Mafuyu didn’t meet much in those days either. The band took a short break, setting up their social media and future plans, but that was mostly handled by Haruki-san and Kaji-san. Uenoyama suspected a tension building between those two, but he couldn’t put his finger on what.
It came to his surprise when Mafuyu showed up on his doorstep, that same guitar strapped to his back. Uenoyama glanced at it, then at the boy, ushering him inside without a word. He was lucky that he was home alone then, but it still felt immensely awkward as Uenoyama sat on his bed, Mafuyu standing at the window.
A long silence stretched between them. It seemed that neither of them knew how to initiate the conversation about what had happened. How could you bring up something like that easily? Uenoyama fiddled with the hem of his shirt, his anxiety growing as he wrestled with himself to find the right words to say. At some point, he abandoned all hope and opened his mouth, bracing himself with whatever came out first.
“Listen, Mafuyu-”
“Uenoyama-kun.”
Both boys looked up at each other, surprised that they managed to speak at the same time. Uenoyama shot Mafuyu a small, albeit nervous smile and scooted over, making room for him to sit down on the bed. Mafuyu glanced at the empty spot, then inched closer slowly. He reached the bed and sank down on it, shifting so he could cross his legs and face Uenoyama. He gulped, anticipating what Mafuyu had to say to him. But when it seemed like he was failing to search for the words, Uenoyama mentioned something he never thought he would ask at that point.
“Who’s Yuuki?”
Mafuyu’s eyes widened, so much that Uenoyama started, worried that he prematurely released a flood of emotions that hit too close to home. It was one of the only times he saw the boy truly emote, letting out his heart in ways that the rest of the world never saw him. But Mafuyu relaxed just as quickly, shoulders slumping as he looked down at his lap, an indescribable expression clouding his face.
Uenoyama gritted his teeth, unsure why he had to ask that out of everything. Surely, their first kiss must be at the forefront of his mind. But maybe it was because a memory popped into his head, when a boy with yellow dyed tips who seemed to be Mafuyu’s friend ran up to them unexpectedly.
“Oh, is that Yuuki’s guitar? Are you playing music now?”
Uenoyama didn’t hear anything wrong with those questions. But from the way Mafuyu ran off, bangs fluttering downwards to cover his shaking eyes, Uenoyama could only chase after him in a desperate attempt to calm his haphazardous state of mind.
He didn’t think Mafuyu would answer him that day. But the words that came out of him didn’t match his blank expression.
“Yuuki was my boyfriend. He’s dead now.”
Uenoyama froze, his mouth hanging open as Mafuyu continued to stare past him with a faraway look. Uenoyama shifted, wanting to tell him that he didn’t need to go on, but Mafuyu continued to speak, about the past and about the first love of his life.
In a way, Uenoyama knew that Mafuyu couldn’t tell him everything. He just knew, because Mafuyu was never the type who was good at expressing himself, or so he said. But Uenoyama listened closer; he could hear the sorrow lingering in his voice whenever he sang, even in the quiet way he spoke. There was so much hidden within him, like a mountain with smaller peaks and valleys that would never be explored unless someone was willing to.
Uenoyama never felt his chest hurt more in his entire life than when Mafuyu explained the past as best he could while the other just listened. When he finished, head hanging low and eyes glittering with unshed tears, all Uenoyama could do was shuffle closer and bring the broken boy’s head into his chest. It wasn’t until then that he felt Mafuyu’s entire body shaking, releasing quiet sobs as he tugged on Uenoyama’s shirt with white knuckles.
He held Mafuyu in his arms, making sure he wouldn’t feel like caving in entirely. He let out soft whispers, shushing him in an endearing manner, one he didn’t know he was capable of making. He kissed the top of his head a few times, breathing in his honey scent and feeling dizzy from it. They stayed glued together for a long time, but it only felt like minutes to him.
“Mafuyu.” Uenoyama said quietly when he heard the boy’s cries subside. He looked up at him, cheeks pink and eyes swollen. The raven-haired boy wanted nothing more than to keep him in his arms and kiss him until the stars fall from the sky, but he settled for touching his lips to his forehead and hugging him close.
“Uenoyama-kun.” Those were the only words genuinely exchanged between the two as night fell, and they laid down on the bed together. Mafuyu’s breathing became regular, and his back was against Uenoyama’s chest as their heartbeats became one, drumming against their skin in a comfortable rhythm.
Uenoyama wished they could stay like this forever. Somehow, he knew something else changed between them, and he was falling deeper in love with the enigma that was Sato Mafuyu. He was still terrified; but maybe he was slowly learning to enjoy the freefall with every passing day.
four
Mafuyu didn’t think he was capable of pouring his heart out like that, but he was glad that it was to someone like Uenoyama Ritsuka.
And maybe the whirlwind of emotions he had been feeling the past couple of months was finally catching up to him. He bottled them down before and now, they were threatening to unleash themselves like a hurricane.
But perhaps he didn’t mind the storm coming for him, because he felt safe and secure in someone else’s arms.
It was the weekend and Mafuyu was home alone. Uenoyama came over on a whim, and he was now on Mafuyu’s couch, curling up together as a movie played in the background.
Mafuyu glanced up at his boyfriend. Could he call him that? He never asked him out and they never made it official. But he guessed that was how it worked out, just like before.
Mafuyu’s mouth turned downwards just a little, still looking at Uenoyama. The boy noticed his stare and glanced down, smiling softly as his free arm reached over to take Mafuyu’s hand, tracing a finger on his palm.
“What are you doing?” Mafuyu asked, the calloused digit tickling his skin. He could tell Uenoyama was spelling out characters: Sato Mafuyu. Uenoyama Ritsuka.
“Nothing,” The other boy smirked cheekily at the aloof one. “What are you thinking about?”
Mafuyu looked away and down at his hand, which curled ever so slightly. He shrugged in response.
“Nothing.”
Uenoyama chuckled, and Mafuyu felt the rumble in his chest. It soothed him a little; he wasn’t sure why he was so tense.
“You’re always thinking, Mafuyu,” Uenoyama replied. Mafuyu looked at him again; it was seldom witnessing the boy’s hard exterior soften to reveal his most comfortable state, and Mafuyu always had the pleasure of seeing it. “Is something wrong?”
Mafuyu blinked, his mind going blank. That wasn’t entirely true; it was flying so fast that his thoughts ran together into one jumbled mess, like there was something and nothing there at the same time.
“I’m drilling it in your head that I’m the first person you ever came to the ocean with.”
“Most of my firsts are with you, Yuuki. You still want even more of them?”
Yuuki never replied to Mafuyu that day. He just looked back and smiled, a smile that told him I’m happiest when I’m with you.
“Can we go back to the sea again?”
Uenoyama’s finger stopped tracing, and he locked eyes with Mafuyu again. The setting sun was trickling into the window, casting a golden light behind him. He glowed in a way that Mafuyu never saw him shine before and his eyes widened slightly. He looked… ethereal. His blue eyes, a color that rivaled the depths of the sea, sparkled down at Mafuyu’s face as he wrapped his hand around his own.
“Of course. You don’t need to ask. I’ll go wherever you go.”
Mafuyu blinked, his brain screeching to a stop as he processed those words. They were sweet, loving, everything that Uenoyama wasn’t, at least to the naked eye. The boy seemed to notice the gravity of the words too as he looked away, a pink tint creeping onto his cheeks.
“I- I mean yeah sure, whatever.” He stumbled over his words, and Mafuyu just craned his neck upwards to peck his lips softly against his cheeks. That didn’t do anything to mask the reddening blush on Uenoyama’s face, but Mafuyu turned away to settle into his chest, focusing on the screen in front of them.
He heard Uenoyama sigh in relief, probably grateful that he didn’t have to subject himself to emoting like that for now. Mafuyu just smiled, finally relaxing next to the one he truly loved.
The sea was where Mafuyu first confessed to Uenoyama, officially anyways. Uenoyama must have known that. But he was so quick to agree with Mafuyu in a heartbeat, which made his stomach flutter in a way it hadn’t for so long. It made him happy.
He knew Yuuki wouldn’t go away just like that. He knew that years from now, the brazen boy would still appear in his thoughts and dreams, invading his most private moments when he didn’t expect him to. But when you love someone that much, sometimes the loneliness would make that happen to you. But Mafuyu didn’t have anything to worry about.
He wasn’t lonely anymore.
five
“Ue, what the hell was that?”
Uenoyama cringed as he heard his senior’s harsh words. He turned slowly to face the drummer, whose arms were crossed in a disapproving manner. The glare in his eyes was even more taxing and Uenoyama felt his soul leave his body under the intense stare. He saw Haruki try to alleviate the situation by bringing his arms up in surrender, an apologetic look masking his face.
“Akihiko, I think-” The long-haired man started, but Kaji interrupted quickly.
“Honestly, you’ve never sounded worse than that. What’s going on?”
Uenoyama looked away, annoyed at himself and at everything around him. He avoided Mafuyu’s curious eyes, wide and innocent as ever. For some reason, it made his blood boil today more than ever.
He knew why: it was because of someone who wasn’t even alive.
It happened gradually; the lingering feeling, the doubt, the insecurity. He knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t help it when he saw Mafuyu’s eyes glaze over and stare off into the distance, thinking. He just knew that he was thinking about Yuuki, a boy Uenoyama had never met, but a boy who was an obstacle nonetheless.
When you love someone with that much of your soul, you don’t just stop loving him.
And that doubt ate away at Uenoyama, slowly but surely, from the day Mafuyu opened up his heart to him.
It was wrong and unfair, he knew that; but his stubborn self wouldn’t let up, which was why he basically fumbled through the numerous practice runs the band had just gone through.
Uenoyama barely heard Kaji repeat himself and he jumped to attention, blinking back to reality. He cleared his throat, fidgeting with his guitar in hand.
“N-nothing.” He looked away again, avoiding all of the members’ stares. Why the hell did they have to look so closely?
Kaji looked between Uenoyama’s scowl and Mafuyu’s oblivious expression, shaking his head.
“Look, Ue. You better pull yourself together. Our performance is in a week and we’ve already gotten most of the new song down. Mafuyu even has lyrics this time. It’d be great if he had amazing instrumentals to back him up, too. So just buckle down, alright?”
Uenoyama felt his grip on the guitar neck tighten and he gritted his teeth together. God damn it, Ritsuka.
He basically ripped off his guitar strap from his body and placed the instrument on the nearby stand, ignoring the exclamations from his senior members. Mafuyu was quiet, which only aggravated Uenoyama more as he started to storm out of the room.
“Yeah, whatever. I’ll just take five, you guys go ahead.” He mumbled under his breath, cursing.
Uenoyama walked away, not knowing where his body was taking him. He remembered that there was a door leading to the roof of the building, which he seldom visited to clear his thoughts. He barreled through the door, exiting in a fury as it slammed behind him. The boy made his way to the edge of the roof and plopped down on the ledge, dangling his feet over it.
He peered over to the concrete below. The building wasn’t that tall, but you could still get seriously injured if you fell from this height. He grimaced; it wasn’t healthy to be having these kinds of thoughts, but his mind wandered anyways.
A sigh left his lips, one of exhaustion and frustration. Uenoyama stared at the sky above him; dusk was coming, and shades of lilac and pink painted the canvas in surreal colors. It was a beautiful sight, but he just couldn’t seem to enjoy it.
He heard the door to the rooftop creak open and his body tensed. He wanted to be left alone for a little longer; but the voice behind him made his skin tingle with dread.
“Uenoyama-kun?”
He closed his eyes, breathing deeply before looking behind him. There stood Mafuyu, hands folded in front of him and peering at the boy with curiosity. Uenoyama only managed to scowl before bringing his legs over back onto the roof and sitting on the ground. His head hung low as Mafuyu walked slowly over to him, following his lead and leaving an inch between their bodies.
They didn’t speak for a couple of minutes. Uenoyama wanted to calm his nerves, but thinking about what to say wasn’t helping. He bit his lip, furrowing his brows as his eyes became misty. Really, you’re going to cry now? It was out of character and not something he wanted to succumb to, but he just couldn’t stop himself. It took a few more moments, but he finally gathered the courage to speak up.
“Mafuyu-”
“Uenoyama-kun-”
The two boys looked up at each other, surprised to interrupt each other yet again; they seemed to have a habit of doing that. Mafuyu’s face was blank as usual, but as soon as he saw Uenoyama’s tormented expression, he closed the gap between them and brought his hands up to the boy’s head. He held it carefully as he ran his fingers through his hair, eyes turning worrisome. Uenoyama didn’t pull away, but he looked down as he fought back the urge to push him aside and wallow in his misery alone.
“What’s wrong?” Mafuyu’s question barely came out as a whisper, but it chipped at Uenoyama’s heart. He let out a huff, gulping to pull himself together as best he could.
“Yuuki.” He glanced at Mafuyu, afraid of his reaction, but only saw the boy blink, wondering.
“What about him?” Mafuyu sounded patient, coaxing. But it only annoyed Uenoyama; he didn’t like the feeling of being coddled, like he was just a child. He knew Mafuyu meant well, but he still hated it.
“You-” Uenoyama closed his eyes again, feeling his hands start to shake from the effort of trying not to fall apart. To try and steady himself, he brought them up to hug Mafuyu’s arms, locking them in place as his hands were still wrapped in Uenoyama’s hair.
“You still love him, right?” He asked, feeling small. Mafuyu frowned, seeming to choose his words carefully. But all he did was nod, and Uenoyama felt the fear starting to drown him, like water was filling his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He felt like gasping for air when he said his next words.
“Then how can you love me?” His voice broke in that moment and he felt a single tear fall down his cheeks. Mafuyu stared at it trickling down, then looked back at him, eyes shaking as they searched his face. When he stayed silent, Uenoyama couldn’t stop himself from continuing.
“How can you still love me when you’re in love with him? How is there room in your heart for both of us? I know it’s not fair, but goddammit Mafuyu, you’ve turned my world upside down. You made me love music again and you inspired me. Your voice haunts me every night and I never want to stop hearing it. I love you , but you- I don’t know how-”
Uenoyama’s breath caught in his throat as Mafuyu smashed his lips into his own, effectively stopping his rambling. He gasped and closed his eyes, melting into his touch. Mafuyu wrapped his hands around Uenoyama’s nape, bringing him closer to him. Uenoyama’s hands roamed to Mafuyu’s waist and grabbed it tightly, squeezing his sides. Mafuyu let out a small moan against his lips, which sent Uenoyama into a hazed frenzy as he lost himself in the boy’s intoxicating scent, smelling of honey and sweetness and life.
Mafuyu pulled away after a few moments, breathing heavily as he stared at Uenoyama with lidded eyes. The latter boy noticed that a few tears shone at the corners, and he wiped them away with the pad of his thumb. Mafuyu followed suit, rubbing Uenoyama’s cheeks with soft hands, calloused slightly less than his own. He then smiled at the boy, bringing his forehead to connect with his.
“I love you , Uenoyama-kun,” Mafuyu started, and Uenoyama could only stare at him wordlessly. “Yuuki will always have a special place in my heart, but I love you. You made me happy again. You taught me how to play guitar and you helped me find my voice. I love music now, because of you.”
Mafuyu paused and Uenoyama couldn’t help but kiss him again. This time, the kiss was softer, but he wanted to stay here for as long as he could. He cupped Mafuyu’s cheeks as their lips connected sweetly before he pulled away, reluctant. Mafuyu blinked at him before smiling.
“Sometimes, I’m not good at expressing myself,” He continued. “Sometimes, I don’t have the right words to say. But I hope you know that I love you, with everything in my heart. And I mean everything.”
Uenoyama just smiled in response before they shared a few more kisses. He knew now that he was worried for nothing, and all he wanted was the boy next to him. It might be dangerous, thrusting himself willingly into the flames that ignited whenever he was with Mafuyu. But he wasn’t as weak as he thought he was.
They soon got up and returned to the studio hand and hand, in which their seniors eyed them knowingly; but they didn’t care.
Uenoyama would hold Mafuyu’s hand in front of the entire world, and kiss him too, if it meant that he could love him forever.
six
Leaves crunched beneath the boys’ feet as they walked throughout the cemetery. Autumn had settled in, and the chill in the air was enough to nip gently against Mafuyu’s skin. He gripped a bouquet of flowers in one hand while he walked next to Uenoyama with the other.
This was the first time he had visited Yuuki’s grave since the funeral almost a year ago. He had never gotten the courage to see even a reminder of him, though that was silly to think about now. Mafuyu saw Yuuki everyday, in the places they walked, wherever they visited, in the people he talked to. Everyday was a constant reminder, but it was no longer suffocating anymore.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this, Mafuyu?” Uenoyama grunted, hand tightening around his own slightly as he led him. He glanced back at the raven boy and smiled, nodding.
In fact, Mafuyu was calm. He was better at sensing his emotions nowadays, seemingly heightened whenever he was next to the boy he loved.
Soon, they reached Yuuki’s grave and stood in front of it. His tombstone was small, and it only had his name, birth date, and death date etched onto it. A few dried flowers laid against it, which Mafuyu cleared to the side before setting his own down. He straightened up again, hovering just next to Uenoyama, who glanced at him carefully. Mafuyu took a deep breath before beginning.
“Hi, Yuuki.”
He actually had no idea what to say. What could he say, looking down at a stone who didn’t even have a semblance of the boy who lived before. Mafuyu closed his eyes, imagining Yuuki in front of him, looking down with a smirk, his piercings glinting in the sun and the dyed hair atop his head moving to the side with the wind.
Mafuyu smiled a little; the hurt was numb now, whenever Yuuki appeared before him. It no longer felt like waves crashing violently against the shore, swallowing him whole as he crouched underneath the pain. It was a dull ache, one that only brought nostalgia.
He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry it took me so long to visit. I hope you’re well. Look, I brought someone.”
Mafuyu wrapped his hand around Uenoyama’s, who stared at him in shock. Maybe it was wrong to do this in front of your dead lover’s grave, but it just felt right to him.
“He’s someone new that I love. His name is Uenoyama-kun. Maybe you’ll be able to meet him one day. I hope so.”
Mafuyu missed the look Uenoyama gave him now, one of content and understanding. He just squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue.
“I’m sorry for everything that happened before. I finally wrote that song, for you,” Mafuyu paused to chuckle a little. “It’s called ‘A Winter Story’. Maybe you’ve heard it, wherever you are. But don’t worry. I’m okay now. I can finally express my feelings a little better.”
Mafuyu gulped, the lump in his throat making it harder to speak. The hollowness in his chest returned, just for a moment. But it no longer hurt as before; it just was there, an emptiness that he just had to accept.
“The last thing is… I forgive you. And myself. There’s no point saying whose fault it was or dwelling in the past anymore. There were a lot of things we could’ve said differently or fixed before it was too late, but it happened. And it’s okay, really.”
Mafuyu sighed, feeling tears sting in his eyes and he blamed the wind for it. This was what he needed for so long; and he could only do it after realizing the boy he loved before was still by his side, in life and beyond.
“I love you, Yuuki. Thank you for everything.”
With that, he looked up at Uenoyama, who was just staring at the tombstone below him. He didn’t look angry or irritated; just melancholy. Mafuyu tugged on his hand, and they left the grave together.
Uenoyama kissed the top of Mafuyu’s head, whispering how proud he was of him as they walked away. Mafuyu looked up again and reached to peck his lips, smiling against them. Soon, the cemetery was far behind them as they continued about their day.
Mafuyu finally felt lighter, freer. With Uenoyama next to him, he knew he could do anything. And Yuuki was still there too, walking in another life.
Even if he didn’t make it to heaven, Mafuyu felt blessed to experience paradise twice in his life, both times falling completely and utterly in love with boys who saved him from himself.
And that was a good enough life for him.