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“you’re my everything, jonginnie.”
jongin didn’t know why those words affected him so much. it wasn’t those words, though. it was when baekhyun said them. only baekhyun. if someone else said it, he wouldn’t bat an eyelash. but if it was coming from baekhyun, his heart would soar to the heavens, and that would be how he remained the rest of the day. point is, baekhyun was different from others. he always was.
jongin thought about it many times. why he would feel that way towards those certain words.
he just came up with the conclusion that he liked the idea of being the center of baekhyun’s world. his driving force. his cause. his everything. he loved it. he treasured it. he needed it.
some part of him knew that when a person says something to that effect, it would be best for you not to believe it. it may bring happiness, but it is only temporary as people say dozens of things they don’t mean at all.
but he couldn’t help but believe. believe baekhyun loves him. believe that jongin was the only thing baekhyun cared about. when baekhyun said it with such love and sincerity, believing him was the only thing he could do.
jongin can still remember everything baekhyun did for him. the memories still vivid in his mind. every single time baekhyun cared for him when he was sick. every single time he helped him after practice. every single time they touched. every time he said those three words. jongin seemed to fall in love with him again.
he knows what times baekhyun liked to use those words. he can recount each moment he said them. whether it be him trying to cheer up jongin or him in a fleeting moment, it unfailingly had the same effect. it let him know baekhyun loved him. baekhyun provided jongin with the love he couldn’t give himself. the love jongin always longed for.
there was this one moment, he recounts. jongin was disappointed in himself after practice. his limbs were sore and aching yet he could barely perfect a few moves. he was EXO’s main dancer, kai for god’s sake. not some rookie or amateur trying dance for the first time. ‘how pathetic.’ he thought to himself. sitting on the floor, folded with his knees to his head, staring blankly at the mirror. he watched his pitiful reflection.
‘this is really the best you can do? useless. they’re better off without you.’. jongin thought. he buried his head between his knees.
he felt a shadow loom above him.
“jongin?” he heard a voice.
he didn’t need to see to know who it was. that voice, filled with care.
“baekhyun.” he responded, looking up.
baekhyun kneeled down to his level and held up an opened water bottle towards him. “here, drink this. we don’t want you passing out now, do we?” he said with a smile. baekhyun really could make anyone smile. jongin took it gratefully as baekhyun settled down beside him.
“so what’re you thinking of now?” he asked. jongin gave him an inquisitive stare. “what do you mean?”. “well whenever you get like this, you end up having self-deprecating thoughts. so spill.” baekhyun explained. of course he knew him well.
jongin could only look down. there really was no getting past him. to others, he seemed to have a cool, mysterious air around him. yet baekhyun could read him like an open book.
“i’m.... not needed here.” jongin murmured. baekhyun’s eyes widened as jongin continued. “you all are perfect already. nothing would happen if i left. EXO would still be… EXO. the same… it would be as if i never left.”.
baekhyun grabbed the water bottle from jongin‘s side, aimed it at his face, and squeezed it lightly, causing water droplets to splash onto his face.
“what was that for?!”. he asked.
“never say that, kim jongin! you’re an essential part of us and we wouldn’t be complete if you left. who are the fans going to scream over? who’ll be the main dancer? if you’re disappointed in yourself, do better tomorrow. the world isn’t over just because you can’t perfect a dance in a day. get over yourself.”. baekhyun playfully scoffed. this made jongin smile.
“besides…” baekhyun flushed. “i… i wouldn’t be able to handle it if you left. because… you’re my everything. and you can’t leave.” he finished.
‘damn you byun baekhyun’, he thought. if he acted like that, of course he wouldn’t leave.
“i won't give up for you, baekhyunnie.”
“you better not. and i’m sorry for wetting you. let’s go back home and wash up, yeah?”
“yeah. let’s go back.”
jongin and baekhyun stood up and intertwined hands, smiling all the way.
but, that was in the past. baekhyun wouldn’t be doing things like that for him anytime soon because jongin was just great at feelings. amazing, in fact. that he was able to ruin their seemingly perfect relationship in a span of a few minutes.
their fight still fresh in his memory.
“why don’t you ever try!” baekhyun yelled out. jongin could see the tears forming in the corner of his eyes. yet at that moment, he couldn’t care less.
“i never try? don’t make me laugh, baekhyun! you’re always all over other guys acting like you’re not dating anyone! you’re a liar. you can’t see yourself as anything other than the victim!”.
stupid stupid stupid. jongin knew he was stupid saying all that. he should’ve stopped, but he felt like he had to continue.
“i’m sure you don’t even care about this relationship! you don’t love me. you just like the idea of dating me. isn’t that it? the idea of saying the kai is your boyfriend! you never even lift a finger but you always complain. you expect me to be the one pleasing you. you contribute nothing. i’m sure my life would be so much better without you in it. i don’t need you, i never have and i don’t care about you!.” jongin shouted back.
it was unnaturally silent for a few seconds until he heard baekhyun’s voice, slow and quiet. he looked at him and he was facing down.
“so that’s how you see me, huh?”. baekhyun scoffed. “fine then. if you’ll be better without me, i’ll leave. you think you’re the only one who can live on their own? you’re mistaken. i don't need you! you’re not the only thing i have in my life, jongin! my world doesn’t revolve around you!”.
gone was baekhyun’s timid voice, he was done pretending and penting up everything he felt. “you’re not all that matters to me! if you stopped being so damn self centered just for a while and opened your eyes, you’d see how much i do for you! who dealt with you when you were having one of your moments? when you suddenly needed something with no warning, who did it for you? how can you say i’m not trying?! i think i’m the only one who even tries. but now i see… it’s useless. trying is useless, because people like you, they never change. you’ll never change, jongin. no matter how talented and god-like you think you are.”
baekhyun was looking up at this point and he was crying. he inhaled sharply, walked past jongin and out the door, leaving chaos in his wake.
he knew he was wrong but seeing baekhyun leave and slam the door behind him, he could only stand still, unmoving.
part of him wanted to ask, “but i thought i was your everything?”. however, jongin knew the answer to that himself. and if he said that, how selfish was he truly?
thinking about it all now, jongin, alone in his bed, he laughed bitterly.
he was never baekhyun’s everything. baekhyun was his. and he realized it too late.