Chapter Text
The mind wanders when finding its way to rest.
He tries to stay awake until he can barely keep his eyes open to avoid the twilight between consciousness and sleep, tries until he is stumbling over words and weighed down with exhaustion. Sometimes, he is successful.
More often than not, his head hits the pillow and his eyes close--and his thoughts take flight.
He thinks of a room full of bright, jarring colors and too many stuffed animals. (Really, such shoddy attempts at disguising what was essentially her prison.) He thinks of the time she must have spent without interaction save for his visits, locked away like their family's dirtiest secret... and the sadness she felt as each subsequent heavy-set door clanged shut beyond her room, a reminder of her undesirability to everyone.
He wonders at his former lack of consideration for her well-being, and hates that he cannot discern whether it is due to Illumi's needle or his genuine belief at the time that his sister preferred these living arrangements.
The guilt gnaws at his heart. Sometimes, Killua opens his eyes and looks at her beside him--just to remind himself that he is doing his best to make up for his past mistakes.
Usually she sleeps on her stomach, her arms tucked underneath her body and her head upturned in such a way that she looks as if she wants to be petted. (How does she never wake up with a terrible crick in her neck?)
On this particular night, she returns his gaze in the darkness. His heart skips a beat.
"It's okay to forgive yourself, too, you know," Alluka whispers to him, her eyes seeing everything despite the dimness of the room. The haunted expression on his face softens, then melts into a sad smile.
"Yeah," he says, "I know." (I know, but I can't. Not yet.)
"We already forgave you." Her blue eyes stare back at him, an identical reflection of his own. "Shouldn't that be enough?"
"It is! It is, but..." he trails off, at a loss for words. Alluka frowns, her face becoming grumpy.
"Onii-chan, isn't it tiring after a while?" He blinks, confused.
"What do you mean?"
"Blaming yourself for everything! Isn't that tiring?" He starts laughing at her puffed cheeks, and finds he can't resist rising from his bed and kneeling by hers to poke them. Her brows knit together in irritation. "Hey, stop avoiding the question!"
He thinks of a grotesque figure in the forest and an aura that makes every hair stand on end, and deadened eyes filled with tears, and--
His breath catches. (No.)
"The answer is yes," he says, controlling his expression as he pinches her cheeks.
"Ow!"
"The answer is yes, but your Onii-chan has always had a bad habit of doing it anyway." His gaze wanders to the lone window in the hotel room and at the stars beyond the glass. Alluka huffs, swatting his hands away from her face.
"My Onii-chan is a big dummy sometimes!" Killua laughs again as his eyes return to hers. She smiles back and laces her fingers with his.
"I wasn't lonely, you know," she says softly. "Nanika is always with me. When I was sad, she always told me that you would be back... and to believe in you."
"Nanika, huh..." His head falls to their joined hands to hide his deprecating smile. "I guess I'll have to thank her when I see her next, won't I?"
"You'd better!" She grins at the unruly white hair beside her as he kisses her hand.
He lets go a moment later and kisses her on the forehead, rising to return to his own bed. Before he can take another step, Alluka grabs his hand. "Onii-chan..."
Killua turns to look at her troubled expression and grins. "Don't tell me you want me to hold your hand while you fall asleep?" he teases. She frowns at him and sticks out her tongue.
"I'm not a scaredy-cat! I just..." Alluka's eyes meet his, her face serious. "I'm sorry, too."
He blinks in surprise. "You're sorry? For what?" Her grip on his hand tightens.
"I've always felt like... if it weren't for me, you'd still be..." She takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. "If you weren't so concerned with keeping me safe from Illumi-nii-chan, you'd still be..."
(Ah, the elephant in the room.)
Killua covers his face with his other hand, trying to ignore the sensation of his heart swooping into his stomach.
"You and Gon..."
"Alluka," he says, his voice steady. "I'm going to be honest with you tonight, okay?" He crouches by her bedside, his hand holding hers again as she nods.
"When I first went to Whale Island with Gon, I was looking for a purpose in my life that didn't involve killing--at least, not unless it was necessary for my survival. And he told me... to stay by his side until I found that purpose."
(The stars outside this window are so dim compared to the stars we saw together that night.)
"And then through our travels, we became stronger. We grew closer. I was determined to protect him, no matter what." Killua's cheeks flush as his eyes averted to a corner of the room. "I thought that it was the least I could do for the first person to truly consider me a friend."
"Onii-chan, I know already--"
"Alluka, let me finish." He smiles, but his voice is pained. "I was unable to protect him from himself, because I never realized that someone so bright could hold so much darkness. So I vowed to save him, and then I realized that you were the key to his recovery... and then I hated myself for being so selfish." He tries to blink the tears away with little success. "How could I have left you behind? And then my purpose was clear to me: it was you."
Her tears slide down her cheeks and onto her pillow as she bites her lip. "Onii-chan..."
"I saved Gon already, Alluka. He doesn't need me anymore." The weight in his chest becomes heavier, and he ignores his trembling lip. "But you do, and that's why I'm here. Please don't apologize for something I chose to do, myself."
She reaches for him then, and holds his wet cheek next to hers as her fists ball in his hair.
"Thank you," she whispers. After a few minutes, he pokes her cheeks again and laughs to ease the tension in the dark room.
"Well, that was exhausting," he smirks, patting her on the head. "Don't make your Onii-chan say such embarrassing things, Alluka! Although I guess it was better to get it off our chests, huh?"
He climbs back into his own bed and smiles softly at her before closing his eyes.
"Goodnight, Alluka!"
Her smile fades as soon as his eyes are closed.
"Goodnight, Onii-chan."
She wonders if he realizes how well she knows him, and how hollow he sounds.
She wishes she could fulfill her own wishes, for once.