Work Text:
As his facade broke down from being away from Jimin, his viewers saw it through him. His videos soon just became black and white, missing the red touches he used to always add. He kept slacking, forgetting to add the extra filter. And his viewers were disappointed, and so was he with himself. How could he keep a stable fan base like this? When he was deliberately slacking off and so transparent.
Maybe it was because he himself was fading color.
He never told anyone, but his colors were fading because he was away from his soulmate. But this wasn’t that simple, oh no. Jimin and Yoongi weren’t dating and they never were, never will either.
Yoongi was stuck in a one-sided love relationship.
He was made for Jimin but Jimin was never made for him. Jimin had someone else who was made for him, Taehyung, and he was made for him.
Whenever they had their annual reunion, it was a cycle of daily pain Yoongi was dealing with, but he sucked it up and delt with it, still enjoying his time with Jimin even if his heart was throbbing like hell.
But their reunion could only last for so long. Before he knew it, he was back on a plane to Canada.
Jimin and Taehyung lived in South Korea. Everyone else was scattered around, Jungkook and Hoseok in America, Namjoon and Seokjin somewhere in Europe, and then Yoongi in Canada.
Yoongi was able to see in color for about a day or two before it all faded back to black and white. Still, nonetheless, he diligently worked and tried his damn hardest to remember what color was where.
Of course, an artist is nothing without flaws.
'Remember, remember, remember!... What did red look like again..?"
Soon, he just came to a crashing stop. The back and forth was destroying him. He made a video for his Vlog channel, ‘I’m sorry, here’s an explanation.’ He explained everything that was going on, how his own eyes were losing color. He apologized for slacking, for he couldn’t see it himself. And though he could still see the pain in his eyes when editing the videos, he thought people would oversee that and ignore his voice that was getting worse and worse, showing how he stopped talking to others. He told them he had no excuses for being like this, pathetic. Absolutely pathetic, letting his work quality go down with him. He also told them he’s going to stop making videos. He wants to get better, he’s going on a hiatus till he can properly do things. Though, one detail he left out was Jimin. The fact he knew he was for Jimin, but Jimin wasn’t for him.
He only shrugged off his eyes loosing color, showing when his eyes were going gray in a world of color. Even then it was still evident in his videos. Nonetheless, Yoongi ended the apology.
He posted the video, no filter, no color correction, no editing, nothing. In a colorful world like Jimin and Taehyung’s, the video was nothing like anything before. Booming with color everywhere but Yoongi. His dull, cloudy, and gray eyes, pale skin with a touch of blue, his jet black hair and dark clothes. Everything about him screamed “I didn’t find them and I never will.”
Even if his community was harsh, they noticed things they didn’t before when he made his black and white videos. They noticed how dead he appeared, how his eyes weren’t just light-colored contacts. They were gray, he was gray.
And Yoongi didn’t listen to their speculations, he turned off all his social media, on all of them leaving a message how he’s going away until he’s better and a link to the video. He knew he disappointed them, all of them. All 800k of them, yet he couldn’t care less, all he felt was cold.
He was constantly shivering after that day. No matter how hot his house was, no matter how bundled up he was even in the Autumn months, he was freezing. Cold and pain, that's all he felt and it hurt. He couldn’t leave bed some days, the pain making his everything ache so much to where he eventually couldn’t help himself.
After 6 months, he was essentially strapped to his bed, notifications booming but he couldn’t look at the comments of pity. At least once a day he would be able to get up and walk a bit inside his apartment, being able to shower and eat and even go out to get groceries if he was quick. But that only lasted about an hour a day, and it was always at 11 PM.
He never cared though, he did as much as he could in that hour of more bearable pain, until it started hitting him again at full force, sometimes making him collapse and crawl back to his bed in agonizing pain.
He couldn’t call anyone, for all his friends now live far from him. But they kept in touch, all but Yoongi. Of course people were talking to him but how would he know? The only thing he used his phone for was music that played endlessly through the silent apartment. It had a bunch of songs on there, for one day he knew he’d have to deal with the pain of a one-sided relationship eventually.
Just, he never knew how hard it was.
And while his friends should be worried, they couldn’t come to see him. He had moved to somewhere in Canada but never said his exact address, for he joked about him giving his address away.
Now this was no joke, and now it would be better if someone, anyone but Jimin came to him. He help him, even if all they did was hold his hand while he slept for most of his day.
Another 6 months pass and Yoongi is getting used to it. The constant shivers and pain. It shocked him whenever he was randomly hit with pain, yes, but he could go through it eventually with a somewhat poker face. He hadn't eaten much though, that was a habit he had yet grown out of. It was hard eating more, for he was in pain for so long it became routine.
But more months passed, he was getting better at walking and taking care of himself, eventually getting himself to eat more little by little each day. His still was just bones now, he needed to get better. He had some motivation. There are people who care for him, or at least he likes to think they did.
Until he saw them exposing him of all the things he said in a collaborative video.
They talked about how he was annoyingly silent, everything and anything that hurt. All his insecurities. And Jimin did so too. The person he was made for hated him too. He didn’t know why. Why they did this. The pain was unbearable.
He spent the next months getting over it, to prepare himself for at least one video before he collapsed completely. He got over it in a year. A whole year he spent crying, dreaming of the times they had together, having nightmares where they all pointed and laughed at him and he woke up screaming and crying.
His neighbors would give him complaints and he eventually quieted down. One day, he got up, got his camera, and went for a walk. He didn’t talk, his voice being strained from crying and screaming so often. He just let the camera dangle from the strap around his neck, jumping up and down every once in a while.
He let out chocked sobs sometimes, covering them up with a cough or two. After a good hour, he went back home and turned off his camera. He posted it on his channel, after a bit over 2 years, now with only 20k subscribers. He didn’t care they left, maybe it was for the better they didn’t wait for something that would never come. Well, the video view count boomed. Everyone was talking about how he was probably crying through the video and how he kept stumbling.
A video an hour-long of just a little man crying and being sad. Everyone pointed fingers at him, no one was on his side. No one cared for his channel anymore.
It hurt to see, really. It hurt a lot.
So he deleted most of his social media, got rid of everything but his channel. He just laid in his bed most of his time, sometimes playing the piano and recording himself playing full songs. He tried composing some songs, only 3 to 10 people watched them.
He was okay with that, with the 129 dislikes and one like. Of course it hurt, almost everyone turned on him, but there were some who still cared a bit.
He took another walk, recording it as well when his vision started going darker.
The gray became black, he didn’t think anything of it.
The white soon became gray and then black.
He couldn’t think anything of it.
He had collapsed, he was gone.
But maybe it was okay, Jimin will see all the journal entries he wrote about him. All the videos made that were never shown. He loved Jimin so much, but one-sided love took over him, turning his life into complete darkness.
There was no color for his world. There was no color for anyone with one side love’s world.
And it hurt, it sucked knowing he would live a life in black and white.
But he never thought it would take his.
"Why do I get butterflies when yours flew away from mine
He's got everyone wrapped around his finger
Oh, the guy you want
I will never be him
I know I'm not the perfect lover
And I can tell you love him
I can tell you love him, love him"