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The first thing he hears is the skidding of wheels. Seokjin turns his head towards the sound and sees the owner of the bike. Really, at this hour? My hour? He thinks. Objectively, the Han River is not his property, and of course, he knows this. But subjectively, this time is his, 2AM. So that makes this place quite his. Or as Seokjin would love the place to be his.
He tries to look away before the stranger notices his presence. He is not fast enough because their eyes meet. No luck today then, Seokjin thinks. He sighs and pretends to be nonchalant, maybe the stranger would let him be on his own.
“Seokjin-ssi?” the voice belongs to the stranger, who is turning to be someone who knows him.
“Do I know you?” Seokjin knows his tone does nothing to hide his irritated mood. To be fair, the lights seem dim at this hour and Seokjin is too sleep-deprived to figure out the facial features of the other person.
“Maybe not, but you’re pretty famous in our course. I belong to the lower year, but we took up Humanities class together last semester. Uhm, I’m Kim Namjoon.” The guy – Namjoon – smiles, exposing his dimples. Even in the darkness of the hour, Seokjin cannot deny that the younger one is attractive. He admits that sleep deprivation gets his mind hazy and his feelings more vulnerable.
“Nice to meet you, Namjoon. I can’t help but find this meeting quite awkward, during this time of the day.” Seokjin giggles a little. He stands up and says, “Anyway, I still have an essay to cram. Hope you enjoy the company of the river. And please, just speak casually with me, or call me hyung.” He turns his back and walks back to his apartment, leaving a dazed Namjoon behind.
***
The next time they meet again, the Han river remains their witness. Only two days has gone by since they last met.
“Were you crying again, hyung? I’ve seen the same red eyes when I first saw you here.” It was Namjoon’s voice, warm and gentle, no trace of teasing or judgment.
Seokjin wipes his bloodshot eyes. He does not like it when people notice his red eyes from crying. He feels exposed.
He is supposed to be the funny one. He is the one who comforts people. Yet, oddly enough, he does not feel bothered when Namjoon noticed it. Maybe the dimness of the hour opens his heart more. Maybe the fact that Namjoon did not say ‘positive’ words to try to ease his worries makes him feel warm. Maybe the imminent passing of time allows him to be less stiff around people. Maybe it has something to do with the river. Maybe he does not need the answer, but he needs to give one.
'I get anxious a lot so I go out and see the river. Today, I woke up minutes ago, heart pounding fast and hard against my ears. It’s not the first time, but it’s the first time that no music made the beating go away.” Seokjin lets out a long and deep sigh. He shakes his head a little and says, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to share my dark side but here we are.”
“No, no,” Namjoon is quick to counter, “you have nothing to be sorry for. Thank you for letting me know. I asked first, right? But, do you feel better now?” Namjoon is not touchy, but, at this moment, he wants to pat Seokjin’s shoulder or maybe even hug him.
“I – Yes, I think I feel better now. The beating is quiet now.” Seokjin lifts his head, eyes still bloodshot. He feels embarrassed now. He decides to divert the attention from him, not wanting for Namjoon to notice his red red ears. “Enough about me now. What are you doing here?”
Namjoon looks away from Seokjin. His hesitation comes and goes in a few seconds. “I like walking to slow down my thoughts. I tend to overthink, and walking helps. Or riding the bike. Or just coming to see the river, even in the dimness of 2AM. I actually have a presentation to do, but here I am. Somehow, it’s also nice to see a familiar face.”
A wave of silence comes over them. It is not awkward. It is strangely comfortable. Seokjin smiles shyly as he has been thinking the same. “I feel the same, you know? Can I ask you to keep my secret? I don’t like people talking about how my eyes could get red as a tomato when I cry.”
“Of course. I wasn’t planning on telling anyone anyway. You can trust me, hyung.”
“Thanks, Namjoon. Really.” Seokjin feels it, that warmth of trust and the bond they now share. There is a small voice inside him that whispers and wishes that the other feels it too.
***
High school was kind for Namjoon. His grades were spectacular. He had a fair number of genuine friends, many of them still in touch with him even now.
The opportunities for higher education came knocking here and there. The expectations grew higher each year he finished. He worked hard, and the efforts bore fruits. Still, opportunities, responsibilities, expectations. These leave a different kind of burden on each aspect of a person’s being.
His love for music kept him sane. He became more fluent with English as he immersed himself in more hip-hop to keep himself awake. Through music, he found his sanctuary. There could be a calm amidst the hectic schedules.
As fast as one turns a page in a book, college came to Namjoon’s life. He took a business course because he seems good with numbers. Admittedly, he did not have a passion for a certain career. He accepted his parents’ dream for him as his own.
He worked hard, living fiercely as he thought he always should.
***
There is a downside to every achiever child, as he knows now. His brain nags him that he will never be good enough. He cannot pinpoint when it started or what triggered it.
Sure, he gets good grades and still affords spending time with friends and family. But there is always someone better, someone smarter, someone who carries themselves more gracefully than Namjoon could ever dream for himself.
He feels the weight of the world with every pedal of his rented bicycle. He reaches the first light along the riverside. He hops off the bicycle and casts his eyes on the lights reflecting off the river.
A wave of overwhelming emotion floods through him. Namjoon cries.
He cries, even when he hears the rustling of grass nearby. Even when he hears a faint hello from the now-familiar hyung.
Namjoon feels a hand on his head. He hears Seokjin whisper, “Whatever it is, it’s not your fault, and you did enough.”
More tears spill down Namjoon’s eyes. For some reason, he finds deep comfort. Yet, he can’t make himself stop crying or say anything. Thankfully, Seokjin does not seem disturbed.
It takes quite some time before the embarrassment of vulnerability creep into Namjoon. Surprisingly, as he raises his eyes to meet Seokjin’s, his brain just goes blank instead of the recurring accusations of being a burden to others. Maybe it helps that Seokjin is smiling with gentle and twinkling eyes.
“Feeling better, Joon-ah?” Seokjin restrains himself to reach out and hug the sadness away from Namjoon’s eyes. He feels a bit ashamed of himself for thinking such thoughts while the younger confides in him. Still, he indulges himself of the youthful feeling of having a blossoming crush. In the dimness of the midnight, there is no way anyone could see the redness that creeps in his cheeks.
“Uhm, yes, hyung. Thanks and sorry,” Namjoon replies as he ducks his face away from Seokjin. “Anyway,” Namjoon chuckles to ease the awkwardness, “how’s everything with you?”
Seokjin sighs, “Well, since you asked, I have a paper to cram that is due in about four hours. I’m an unmotivated bitch right now.” They laugh at how that is probably the most college thing Seokjin said. “And maybe I was hoping to find some inspiration somewhere here.”
“Did you find it?”
“I don’t know but I’m glad I was here to sit in the sadness with you.”
The thing about Seokjin’s warmth is that it does not come with empty promises and senseless positivity. Namjoon keeps on gravitating towards this safe space he has when Seokjin is around.
***
Namjoon hops off his bike immediately at the sight of Seokjin at the edge of the river… with a fishing rod in hand.
“Hyung!” Namjoon calls out, but Seokjin does not spare a glance. As Namjoon gets closer to Seokjin, he reaches his arms to wrap around Seokjin’s waist. He does not stop at the gnawing sensation on his stomach saying that the gesture is too intimate. He fears for Seokjin’s life at the moment.
Now, Seokjin notices the younger. “Oh, Joon-ah! You are here.” Seokjin turns toward him, swinging the fishing rod here and there. “I knew you would be here.” Seokjin’s cheeks are cherry tomato red and he is smiling with puffed cheeks.
Namjoon tries to control the swinging of the fishing rod and says, “Hyung, are you fishing at Han River?”
“Fishing, yes, fishing” Seokjin says as he giggles a windshield wiper kind of laughter.
At some point, both their hands overlap at their grip on the fishing rod. Namjoon does not know if his cheeks are less red than Seokjin’s but he definitely feels warm inside.
“I am sooo drunk, Joon-ah. I don’t know if I am dreaming.” Seokjin admits, with some tears spilling from his eyes.
Namjoon makes a mental note that Seokjin is the kind of drunk who cries.
And a touchy one, too, Namjoon notes as Seokjin grabs onto the hem of Namjoon’s shirt. Naturally, Namjoon panics and barely managing a weak, “Hyung, let’s get you home”
Seokjin buries his head on Namjoon’s chest, “You smell nice. Like wood. Like home.” Namjoon holds Seokjin tighter as he navigates through his phone to get a cab for them.
Few minutes pass and Seokjin feels heavier in Namjoon’s arms. Namjoon realizes that his hyung is fast asleep now. His eyes gaze down at Seokjin, cheeks red and breathing evenly.
There is something digging against Namjoon’s back. He remembers the small plant, a eucalyptus, that he brought from his collection.
He diverts his attention back to getting Seokjin home. His gift can wait.
***
Namjoon fishes his apartment key in his pocket. He recognizes the feat of getting Seokjin in the cab, going to their common friend Yoongi to ask for Seokjin’s apartment, climbing the six flights of stairs to Seokjin’s room, waking Seokjin enough to let the older in his own room, making sure the older reaches the bed, sneaking out of the room, and going to his own apartment.
Despite their unusual meet-ups at the river, Seokjin fits in Namjoon’s life. He realizes this as he takes out the eucalyptus from his bag, wondering how he went from having a tiny crush from Seokjin to having the audacity to give his senior a plant.
He would have to take care of the plant before finding another time to give it to Seokjin. Namjoon walks to the small plant sanctuary in his room. It is near the windows with a designated table for his babies. He had one cactus in the beginning, when he moved in the apartment. His collection, an extension of himself, continues to grow with each season.
After that meeting with Seokjin when they sat in Namjoon’s sadness for a while, Namjoon had the idea of giving Seokjin something. What better gift than a piece of Namjoon? In the form of a plant.
He has read somewhere that eucalyptus plants are easy to grow. If the owner fails to care for it for a few days, the plant needs only a little amount of water to kickstart its growth again. Namjoon likes his cute little eucalyptus and he is almost certain that Seokjin would like it too.
***
Namjoon stares out the dark sky, thinking a lot but not acknowledging them. He lets the thoughts pass by as he does his best to breathe better.
He does not see Seokjin anywhere, so he assumes the older is not here yet. He thinks, he hopes, that they will see each other again.
Beside him, the eucalyptus plant serves as a symbol for something Namjoon can’t point out yet. Is it too much to give a part of him to Seokjin even if they did not really know each other at the start of the year? Fortunately, before going on the inevitable landslide of doubts, he gets a hold of his worry as he tries to rationalize things.
Namjoon recalls how his friendship with Seokjin has progressed throughout the weeks they knew each other. He associates Seokjin with peace and warmth.
A smile starts to form on his face when he hears familiar footsteps. He hears Seokjin sit on the other side of the plant.
“Is this plant for me or do you have some weird ritual of throwing or leaving plants near the river?”
“Well, hello to you, too.” He turns to Seokjin and notices that the other is already staring at him. Seokjin smiles at him, looking sober this time around.
Seokjin’s voice is noticeably quieter than usual, “Thanks for getting me home last time. It wasn’t the kind of going home I would’ve wanted to do with you.”
Namjoon raises his eyebrows questioningly for a few seconds at the implication of Seokjin, but settles for a laugh, hoping to ease some tension. “No worries, hyung. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I just left you here.”
Seokjin continues his playful banter. “Worried that someone might go home with me, instead?”
“Yeah, that, and when you go missing, I would be the number one suspect.” Namjoon says, as he pushes the plant towards Seokjin. “That’s for you. I wasn’t planning to throw it at the river. They say that taking care of plants has shown benefits for people’s health, especially mentally. And really, I just wanted to give something to erase my shame of being emotional at times.”
Seokjin brings the plant close to his chest and beams at Namjoon. “You didn’t have to do that. You’re welcome to be emotional anytime you want. Thank you. This is so kind of you.”
The thing about Namjoon’s vibe is that it reminds Seokjin of air and a sense of peace. Seokjin keeps gravitating towards this makeshift sanctuary he has when Namjoon is around.
***
Seokjin goes back to his apartment carrying the smile that Namjoon shared with him. He places the eucalyptus on his windowsill. The rising sun greets them, painting the sky a beautiful shade of blue then orange.
There seems to be a shift in the air with Namjoon. Seokjin cannot put a name to it but he feels it is for the better. It feels like a new beginning with a promising future.
Seokjin’s heartbeats get stronger. His thoughts are full of sweet smiles and cute tiny leaves. Namjoon makes Seokjin feel better. Seokjin thinks he could get used to this. He wants to take hold of this feeling more.
He tries to catch some sleep before his morning classes. Tries but fails. He tosses and turns, still feeling warm and smiling widely. He misses Namjoon already.
He remembers that he has Namjoon’s phone number. Namjoon has given it to him during one of their meetings near the river, insisting that they would eventually need to communicate other than meeting there. Seokjin thanks Namjoon’s insistence.
He sends a text to Namjoon, asking if the younger is still awake and if he could call. Namjoon responds positively.
In a whisper, Seokjin says, “Hey, Joon-ah. Can we meet later this afternoon? At the river.”
Namjoon takes a deep breath and smile, “Sure, hyung. Can’t wait to see you again.”
Seokjin sighs, relieved that he does not seem to be too much at this hour of dawn. “Yeah, me too.” Seokjin allows himself another moment of vulnerability and says, “I miss you already, Joon-ah.” Before cutting the call, he feels Namjoon smile over the phone.
***
It is an odd hour to meet at the river. The golden hour when Seokjin’s eyes sparkle more than it used to. Namjoon hops off his bike. His hair gets blown by the afternoon air.
Namjoon approaches Seokjin hurriedly. Then, he stops, a few steps from Seokjin. He looks at Seokjin, thoughts empty but feelings overwhelmed.
Maybe this is the right moment. Maybe there is no right or wrong moment. Namjoon decides he just needs to make it right. “Can I just say I love you? I... I mean I am saying that I love you. I love you, hyung.”
Seokjin is caught off guard. He knows in his heart that he feels something like that for Namjoon too. “Me, too. But what kind of love do you have for me?”
“I guess, whatever kind of love you need? Do you get me? Like, I know I am in love with you and that I love you. But it... This kind of love is bigger than anything I could label, so there' s that... Hey, hey, wait are you crying?” Namjoon walks towards Seokjin and holds the older.
'I don't know why I'm crying, honestly. But, yes, yes, I do get you. And I want to love you like that too. Even if I think I'm undeserving. I love you, Joon.' Seokjin looks up at Namjoon and he notices the younger’s tears falling too. “Why are you crying, too, Joon?”
“Breathing gets better when I cry. That’s kinda messed up, I guess. But that’s just who I am.”
And silence comes after. Their arms find their way around each other.
Warmth on the outside going inside. It is a world of difference.
Still, the river watches and maybe it smiles a little more on that hour, on that moment their lips meet.