Archive of Our Own

I: The Crush

Nico di Angelo thinks soulmates are a load of bullshit. His best friend Jason, on the other hand, is a hopeless romantic and fantasizes about meeting his, a beautiful stranger with a matching tattoo. This is why Nico knows his crush is futile: he and Jason aren’t soulmates. Knowing this should have squashed his feelings when they began blooming their sophomore year of high school, but they’ve only gotten stronger each day, which means by the time they hit senior year he’s about ready to burst.

Nico is waiting outside the boy’s locker room when Jason emerges after football practice. Jason’s face breaks into a grin, his arm dropping around Nico’s shoulders as they walk, and Nico is grateful Jason doesn’t see his blush. 

“I hear Wanda made a big show of asking you out at lunch,” Nico says. Bringing up the incident is the act of a masochist; he really doesn’t need to be reminded of all the kind and gorgeous people Jason has rejected on the grounds of not being his soulmate. Even though most people have the intention of ending up with their soulmate should they find them, they still casually date to ease the loneliness in the meantime. Not Jason, though. Of course not Jason.

Jason snorts. “Yeah. Even if I was trying to date I wouldn’t have been into it. I’m not too keen on using a public display to pressure someone into a date, you know?”

Nico nods. “I’d probably run in that situation, honestly.”

Jason bursts out laughing, then says, “Nico, you’d probably run from any romantic situation. You don’t date much for someone who’s so ‘soulmates are bullshit.’”

Nico slips out from under his arm, shoving his hands in his pockets. He has to turn his face away to hide the renewed red. He wants to say, Because you’re the only one I want. What he actually says is “High school relationships never last, so what’s the point?”

Jason sighs. “And here I thought I was beginning to pull you out of your cynicism.” He respects the space Nico put between them, but his smile is a bit duller now. “Were you in the art room during lunch again?”

If Nico missed lunch it was usually because he was working on a painting. He originally took up painting as stress relief, but he’s since found it’s actually quite fun. He’s not too bad at it, either.

“You really shouldn’t skip lunch like that,” Jason continues. 

Jason’s pout draws Nico’s attention to his mouth, where his gaze gets caught on the small scar on his lip. Nico tries not to think about how badly he wants to kiss that scar. “I know,” Nico forces out. 

“Why don’t we go get food?” Jason says. “You need to eat, and you know I’m always hungry after practice.”

Nico smiles, his hands in his pockets. “McDonald’s?”

Jason grins, holding open the front door of the school. “McDonald’s.” They’re only a few steps outside when Jason grabs Nico’s shoulder. “Hey, why don’t we take a picture together? Last first day of high school. We should commemorate it.”

Nico gives Jason a look that says he’d rather do anything else, but they both know he’s going to concede, so Jason is already taking out his phone. 

Jason wraps his arm around Nico and pulls him into his side, then holds up his phone in front of them. In the eye of the camera, Jason is flashing a wide smile of picturesque teeth, blonde hair and blue eyes bright in the sunshine, while Nico looks stiff and hesitant, cheeks dusted pink, the blush made more obvious by his pale skin.

Even so, Jason beams at the photo they took like it’s an acceptance letter from Harvard.

A few months later music is pounding in Nico’s ears as he wonders why he agreed to come to a New Year’s Eve party. Scratch that, he knows exactly why: Jason asked him to. What he’s actually wondering is why he still agrees to go to places he hates just to be around a crush who will never return his feelings, a crush who he’s lost track of. He’s standing by the snacks, rigid with a plastic cup of Coke in his hand. 

“I’m sorry!” Jason says as he appears from the crowd. “I didn’t mean to leave you alone for that long, I just just got caught up—”

“It’s fine, Jace,” Nico says, voice thin, mentally cursing how the fond nickname slipped out even in his irritation.

Jason frowns. “I really am sorry, Nico. I invited you here because I wanted to spend time with you.”

Nico melts only a little before his guard goes back up. “If you wanted to spend time with me, why did you invite me to a party where we’d be surrounded by other people?”

Jason bit his lip, and Nico hates how cute he looks when he does that. “I don’t know. I don’t even like partying that much, it’s just force of habit to say yes to things.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Do you want to get out of here?”

Nico already has his jacket half on when he says, “I’d love to.”

They wind up back at Nico’s house. The place is empty, both his sister and parents gone to their respective New Year’s parties. When Nico flops down on his bed, Jason follows suit, their arms brushing. Both of their heads fall to the side, facing each other. 

“What do you want to do?” Nico asks. Jason is well acquainted with Nico’s collections of board and card games, movies, and video games.

Jason breaks eye contact, then pushes himself into a sitting position. “I, uh. Actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Nico’s stomach contracts. Maybe even Jason isn’t oblivious enough to not have caught onto Nico’s feelings by now and he was about to end their friendship. Nico sits up and pulls his legs to his chest, debating whether it would be better to deny his feelings and keep Jason around or be honest and lose him. 

Jason picks at a loose thread on his shirt. His face is red, taking Nico aback. Jason being nervous, much less embarrassed, is a rare thing. “We’ll always be friends, right?” Jason says. 

“Of course,” Nico says, but his confusion is evident. Why would Jason be worrying about that if he figured out Nico’s massive crush on him?

“And you promise not to freak out?”

Nico frowns. “Jason, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?” His mind flips through everything Jason could be about to say.

Jason releases a long, shaky breath. “You know I’m always going on about soulmates, and how I can’t wait to meet mine, and I want them to be all my firsts and stuff.”

Nico winces. “I’m aware,” he says with a tint of bitterness. His eyes are drawn to the golden feather tattooed on Jason’s forearm, and not for the first time he resents how it looks nothing like the black cat tattooed on Nico.

“I...I want you anyway.”

Nico’s heart stops beating. “You—you what?”

Jason withdraws into himself. “I-it’s okay if you don’t like me like that, b-but...I’ve given this a lot of thought, Nico, and I don’t care that you’re not my soulmate. I love you anyway, and I thought because you don’t care about soulmates anyway...I thought maybe that would be okay with you.”

Nico is so shocked by this revelation that he’s barely able to process it, like Jason’s confession is something he can see but not touch. He doesn’t realize how his silence must look to Jason until his longtime crush is moving toward the door.

Jason says, “I-I’m sorry, I’ll—”

Nico stands and lunges toward him, catching his wrist. “No, wait!”

Jason freezes, still under Nico’s touch.

Nico swallows, mouth dry. “I-I...I was just surprised. I’ve had a crush on you for like two years, Jason.” His heart is erratic in his chest. “I never thought I had a chance with you. Not with your whole soulmate hangup.”

Jason pulls his wrist from Nico’s grasp, whirls around, and engulfs him in a tight embrace Nico feels at home in. “I’m so relieved.”

Nico chuckles. “How do you think I feel?”

Neither of them can wipe the smiles off their faces for the rest of the night, not that they’re trying to. They cuddle while they watch the live New Year’s Eve footage from Times Square.

When they share their first kiss at midnight as the ball drops, it feels as though it is them the TV crowd is cheering for.

II: The Anniversary

Each morning Jason is convinced he can not love Nico any more than he does, and each night he knows he is wrong. The rest of their senior year is a blissful blur as the pair slides between senior year activities. They proofread each other’s college essays even though Jason is much better at English than Nico. Jason hounds Nico about applying for scholarships. They keep each other’s senioritis at bay, and soon they’re dancing their way through prom, a mere month and a half away from graduating. Jason is valedictorian, and after the event they go to the 24-hour Perkins with their friends for unlimited pancakes and half-priced pie. 

Between full-time jobs and cramming in as much time together as possible, the summer is gone as quickly as it came. Jason’s scholarship offers allow him to go anywhere he wants, and as he sets down the last of Nico’s boxes in Nico’s dorm, the guilt pools in his stomach.

Nico can see it on his face. “Stop it. You picked the school that’ll give you the best opportunities for your major. I told you to go, remember?”

Jason chews his lip.  “Yeah, but an hour each way is still a long trip.”

Nico rolls his eyes as he hooks his arms around Jason’s neck. “And you know I’d drive ten times that to see you.”

Jason rolls his eyes, but from the relaxation of his shoulders they both know Nico’s reassurance helped. “I love you.”

Nico rubs their noses together before pecking him on the lips. “I love you, too.” A devious smirk ghosts over his lips as he glances at the time. “My roommate isn’t arriving for another hour. Just in case you’re wondering.” 

Jason chuckles and closes the door.

Skype is Jason and Nico’s best friend throughout the year. Their video chat sessions are nightly, and sometimes they’ll eat meals together while on a call and pretend it’s a date. Each Wednesday they use Netflix Party to watch and make fun of a different bad teen romcom together. Netflix itself produces enough of them that they’re sure they’ll never run out. Between classes, clubs, and new friends, they are busy enough that the time apart feels normal. Still, they cherish the time they have together, managing to see each other most weekends, taking turns driving to each other’s campuses Friday after class and returning Sunday night. Not wanting schoolwork to take time away from Jason on the weekends forces Nico to finally adopt a proper work schedule. Mostly.

Sometimes Nico has work to do while Jason is visiting and Jason will complain about Nico not having done it during the week. Nico will counter that not everyone can glide through their work as quickly and easily as Jason. Sometimes Nico gets irritated at Jason’s mother henning, reminding his boyfriend that he’s an adult capable of making his own decisions and Jason points out how unhealthy the decisions Nico makes can be. They’re minor squabbles here and there, though, and at the end of the day they both know their grievances come from a place of caring.

This is how they operate until the end of their first semester sophomore year. Finals were tougher this year, swamping them enough that by the time they’re over they haven’t seen each other in three weeks. Winter break can’t come soon enough.

Jason arrives home a couple days before Nico and spends the time catching up with his dad, knowing he’s going to be preoccupied for a while once Nico gets back. On the day Nico is set to come home, Jason waits for him in his bed armed with packets of hot chocolate mix, candy canes, and Pillsbury cookie dough, all of which are carelessly tossed aside to embrace Nico when he arrives. 

“I’ve missed you,” Nico mumbles into Jason’s chest, clinging to him with an iron grip. 

Jason chuckles and ruffles his hair. “I’ve missed you, too.” His smile is so big his face hurts. “Are you ready for seasonally appropriate snacks and Hallmark movies?”

Nico pulls back, presses a long, hard kiss to Jason’s lips, and grins. “Now I am.” Once they’re settled on Nico’s bed with Nico between Jason’s legs, chest to back under three blankets, Nico says, “I hope you realize I’m planning to make up for three weeks of cuddling we missed today.”

Jason wraps his arms around his boyfriend. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Jason spends Christmas Eve with Nico’s family. While he and his dad never get a real tree because they don’t care for the required maintenance, Nico’s family gets a real one every year, and Jason always helps them decorate it. Every year he jokes that the di Angelos invite him solely because he’s the only one who can reach the top of the tree, and every year he is playfully slapped by Nico, then his older sister Bianca, then their mom Maria. Mistletoe hangs above Nico’s bedroom door, a tradition Jason noticed he started after they started dating. Jason never allows his boyfriend to lack holiday kisses.

Jason and the di Angelos open presents that night, and even though it’s his second Christmas with them, Jason is still touched they bought him gifts. From Maria are gift cards to his favorite restaurants, always a solid choice for a college student. Bianca made him a self-care package full of things like face masks and chocolate. Nico’s present is last, but it’s the best one, a dozen bookmarks he made by hand, each with one of Jason’s favorite book quotes and accompanying illustration, all laminated so they won’t be ruined by use. Jason has never directly given him a list of his favorite quotes, so he must have been paying attention when Jason rattled them off in passing. With such a thoughtful gift he feels silly giving Nico his pile of coupons for Jason taking over one of Nico’s turns to drive on the weekend. Despite his doubt, though, Nico loves it and kisses him enough times to make his sisters complain. 

Jason sleeps over that night, spooning Nico until the smaller boy falls asleep. Jason still hasn’t gotten over how lucky he is and how perfectly Nico fits in his arms, like two puzzle pieces. He rarely remembers they aren’t soulmates.

Jason makes plans for his and Nico’s second anniversary as it draws near. A second anniversary isn’t quite as exciting as a first, but he still wants it to make Nico feel cared for, not that that isn’t his permanent goal. 

The night before their anniversary, New Year’s Eve, he makes chocolate cupcakes with caramel frosting, both from scratch and Nico’s favorite, and writes “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY” in the frosting. Nico has recently gotten into wearing necklaces, so his gift is an intricately detailed pendant of a skull with a snake sliding through the mouth and eyes he bought off Etsy.

They haven’t gone to a New Year’s Eve party since the one that preceded their relationship by a mere hour. Instead last year they made lunch together, spent the afternoon cuddling and watching cheesy movies they made fun of but secretly enjoyed, and rang in the New Year with the traditional kiss while enjoying pancakes at the 24-hour Perkins. They’re planning to do the same thing this year. 

Jason wakes up on New Year’s Eve with Nico in his bed, Nico clinging to his torso like Jason is a giant teddy bear. Nico always tells him he’s a teddy bear, all soft, sweet, and selfless. Jason likes to counter the ‘soft’ part by commenting on his own rock hard abs given that it’s a fool-proof way to make his boyfriend blush. Making Nico blush is an important part of Jason’s daily routine. 

When Jason shifts to get up for the day, Nico whines, half awake, and tightens his grip. “Stay with me.”

Jason chuckles and ruffles his hair. “It’s noon, we should get up, Shortstop.”

Nico’s eyes snap open with a glare, and thanks to Jason not anticipating it, he pushes Jason off the bed. “I can’t believe I put up with you.” Nico yawns and gets up, wearing boxers and one of Jason’s shirts, so big it slips down one shoulder. He catches Jason watching him from the floor and crosses his arms. “What?”

“Just admiring you,” Jason says with an earnest grin.

Nico rolls his eyes, but he’s red. Nico: 0, Jason: 1.

They make quesadillas together for lunch, and when Nico knicks his finger while slicing chicken, Jason exaggeratedly kisses it. Another eye roll, another blush. Nico: 0, Jason: 2.

After lunch Nico complains about the effort taking a shower for going out later would be, but Jason coaxes him into it by offering to join him. Eye roll. Blush. Nico: 0, Jason: 3.

Nico is skilled with his hands during the shower. Nico: 5, Jason: 3.

By the time they’re getting ready to head out for all-you-can-eat pancakes at ten, Jason has no idea how many movies they just watched, much less what any of them were about. He’s full of cupcakes and his mind is a hazy landscape of repeated cliches and character tropes, but they left him in a romantic mood.

Jason hums while he drives, unable to keep the smile off his face. Eventually Nico begins supplying the lyrics to Jason’s humming and the ride to Perkins becomes a two-person concert. For the benefit of everyone in the restaurant and parking lot, they cease their music before getting out of the car. 

By now most people have scattered to their New Year’s Eve parties, leaving Nico and Jason as some of the only patrons in the restaurant, just as they like it. Soon they’re being served their first round of endless pancakes, sitting on the same side of the booth for easy kissing. Last year Jason managed to eat five short stacks while Nico only ate three, but if the competitive glint in Nico’s eye is any indication, he’s shooting for more this year.

“Before we start,” Jason says. “Gift exchange?”

Nico’s look softens, and he hands over the wrapped box he brought into the restaurant while Jason gives him the silky pouch he put the pendant in. When Nico empties the pouch into his hand, his face breaks into a grin. He removes the black cord from his neck and replaces the plain skull pendant with the one Jason got him. “What do you think, Jace?” he says, beaming.

Jason melts at the sight of him. “You look amazing.” After gazing at his boyfriend in adoration for a couple more minutes, he turns his attention to Nico’s gift and carefully unwraps it to find a copy of his favorite book, The Giving Tree. Before he can comment, Nico tells him to open it, and when he does so, “Shel Silverstein” is written on the cover page in loopy handwriting. His eyes grow larger than the pancakes on his plate, and though his mouth hangs open, no words come out.

“Do you like it?” Nico prompts with an air like he’s afraid of the answer.

“I love it,” Jason says. “B-but—God, Nico, how did you afford this? I can’t—”

“It’s okay,” Nico insists. “I, uh, agreed to do some stuff for my dad to get the money.”

“But you hate your dad.”

Nico shrugs. “Once I had the idea I really didn’t want to not do it.”

Jason chews his lip and stops arguing. His fingers brush over the cover. Although like most people he first read The Giving Tree as a kid, it wasn’t his favorite book until high school. He mentioned it being his favorite to Nico once, and Nico didn’t have to ask to know why Jason liked it: Jason felt like the tree, endlessly giving for the sake of others. The pressure his parents put on him in high school nearly crushed him. Yet even now he's loyal and selfless to a fault, and Nico worries about him, because Nico knows Jason will still rip himself apart before he’ll let someone else down. Nico once told him that that was both the best and worst thing about him.

As midnight draws near Nico finishes his fifth short stack and Jason finishes his sixth, an impressive display from both with a reduced disparity between them. Jason still rubs in his victory, but Nico looks unimpressed at best.

“You’re not going to feel like the winner when you start to feel that extra short stack,” he says.

“Sounds like a bitter loser to me, but okay,” Jason says, flashing a grin. 

The waitress arrives at their table and looks between the two. “Another round?”

Both boys say “No” in unison.

The waitress giggles under her breath. “All right. I’ve got to get going, but another waitress will be with you shortly to bring you your check. Have a great night, guys!” 

They wish the same to her and clasp hands, a couple minutes away from midnight and ready for the traditional kiss. 

10

Jason brushes back Nico’s hair. 

9

“I love you.”

8

Nico chuckles. 

7

“I love you, too.”

6

Jason leans in. 

5

Nico’s breath ghosts over his lips.

4

The waitress approaches behind Nico.

3

Jason’s eyes catch on her tattoo.

2 

It’s a golden feather.

1

Jason pulls away.

0

III: The Choice

Nico frowns as Jason backs off, his boyfriend’s eyes wide and looking over his shoulder. He turns and notices three things in rapid succession: the waitress is standing there, her name tag says “Piper,” and she has a golden feather tattooed on her arm. The world falls out from beneath him. 

Piper’s eyes widen, the last of them to notice the connection. “Hi,” she says, contained but confident. “I’m Piper McLean.” She holds out her hand to Jason as if Nico isn’t there, and he’s not sure he can blame her.

Jason’s expression is inscrutable as he takes her hand. “Jason. Jason Grace.”

Nico is frozen in place, unsure what to do with himself, and he hates the jealousy in his tone when he says, “And I’m Nico di Angelo. His boyfriend.”

Piper’s eyes widen further, but the emotion is entirely different as her gaze flicks between them. “Oh,” is all that comes out of her mouth. She grinds her sneaker into the tile, and Nico can see her trying to decipher if they’re a ‘date until we meet our soulmates’ couple or a ‘fuck soulmates’ couple. “Well...we could still be friends. It’d be weird to meet your soulmate by pure chance and do nothing, right?”

Nico can’t tell from that response what she concluded, but he doesn’t sense any ill will from her. She seems curious and excited, not like she wants to break up their relationship. Nico can respect that.

Jason meets Nico’s eyes as if asking for permission and Nico nods, pleased with the show of consideration. Ultimately it’s Jason’s decision to make, of course, but the thought is still appreciated.

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Jason says, taking out his phone. She rattles off her number and he inputs it, then sends her a text so she has his number as well.

“Great,” Piper says with a grin. “What a weird coincidence, huh?”

Jason nods and smiles before he and Nico head out for the night, his arm around Nico as soon as the cool night air hits them. When they return to Nico’s house the chance meeting is the elephant in the room, but neither knows quite how to address it, what to say, if there is anything to say. They’re both tired anyway, so they change into their usual nightly attire and curl up together, Nico tucked under Jason’s arm using his bare chest as a pillow. His fingers are splayed against his stomach.

“Goodnight, Jace,” Nico says, already half asleep. “I love you.”

Jason plays with his hair and chuckles. “I love you, too.”

Jason and Piper texting becomes a normal occurrence Nico thinks nothing of. He’d be texting his friends all the time too if he was a more social person. As it is he usually exchanges memes with Percy, a friend from college, and more commonly makes plans to hang out. He finds it hard to read tone over text and prefers phone calls if in-person plans aren’t possible.

A couple weeks later Nico receives a text from Percy that he’s in town and asks about meeting up. Nico looks up from his phone to Jason, who he has his legs on the lap of, the two of them on the couch at Nico’s mom’s house. “We don’t have anything planned for tonight, do we?” Nico asks.

“No,” Jason says. “I think we just had a vague plan to watch a movie. Why?”

“Percy’s in town, if we don’t have plans we’re going to grab a drink or something.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Jason says. He returns his attention to his phone as Nico finalizes plans with Percy, chewing his lip without seeming to realize it. “If you’re going out anyway, I think I’m going to catch a movie with Piper.” He pauses. “That new action one you weren’t interested in. Seeing a movie isn’t as fun alone.”

Nico raises an eyebrow at him. “Jason, you don’t need to come up with an excuse to see a movie with Piper if that’s what you’re doing. Friends do things together. It’s not a big deal.” He takes his legs off Jason’s lap and wanders to the kitchen to take out leftover spaghetti for supper.

“Are you sure?” Jason asks. “It doesn’t bother you that…”

“That she’s your soulmate?” Nico finishes when Jason trails off. “No. I trust you, and even if you weren’t trustworthy, trying to police your relationships wouldn’t change that, so what’s the point? Besides, who says soulmates are inherently romantic?” He scoops cold pasta onto a plate, then points at it, saying, “Do you want some?”

Jason shakes his head. “No.” He scratches the back of his neck. “And I just wanted to make sure. I don’t want you to, you know, resent it later or something.”

Nico snorts. “I’m not worried. I know you love me.” After sticking his food in the microwave, he returns to Jason, leaning down to kiss him. 

Jason smiles as Nico retreats to the kitchen. “That I do.”

The end of winter break is on the horizon, both Nico and Jason intending to move back into their dorms this weekend. They’re at Jason’s mom’s house, taking advantage of his mom being at work for some peace and quiet. Jason taps away at his laptop, chewing his lip to such a degree that when Nico looks up from his book he thinks he may be trying to bite through it.

Nico gets up to fetch Jason a brownie, his preferred comfort food when he becomes stressed. Nico is well-acquainted with how stress looks on his boyfriend, as well as the empirical knowledge that Jason isn’t going to mention it.

When Nico sets the brownie on the end table beside Jason, Jason is pulled out of his thoughts and smiles at him. “Thanks, Neeks.” He closes his laptop and tears into the treat while Nico snuggles into his side.

“How’s your online class going?” Nico asks. Although Jason has mostly recovered from the overachieving tendencies he had in high school and stopped making his ability to do it all the basis of his self-esteem, he still pushes himself. Right now pushing himself is taking the form of trying to graduate early unless he decides to double major, Nico having talked him down from triple majoring just for the sake of it. He’s currently taking a couple online classes over winter break to contribute to that goal.

Jason groans. “Awful.” He opens his laptop and Nico cringes, internally cursing himself for restarting Jason’s intense work session when he was trying to get him to relax. Jason pulls up a box of code. “My code isn’t working, and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.” He proceeds to scroll through his code, pointing out different bits and what they do, all the changes he made in his attempts to fix the problem, and how those changes made everything worse.

Nico recognizes the occasional word or sentence in Jason’s tirade, but he’s lost for ninety percent of it. Jason is studying computer programming whereas Nico is studying history. Even so he doesn’t like how he never knows what Jason is talking about when he tries to tell Nico about his classes, so Nico has been studying coding in a mostly futile attempt to at least be able to understand Jason even if he can’t help him. At one point he interjects with a suggestion based on his reading, but Jason easily shoots it down.

“Thanks, though, Neeks,” Jason says, planting a kiss on his forehead. “I appreciate the effort.”

Although Jason says that Nico is still disappointed he isn’t any help. “I hate that I never know what you’re talking about.”

Jason’s face softens, and he threads his fingers through Nico’s. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t know anything about history, either. I’ll just ask Piper about it later, turns out she goes to my school and is doing computer science, too.”

Nico isn’t particularly comforted and wants to say it isn’t the same, but instead he says, “Why don’t you take a break for a while? You’ve been working all day..” He wraps his arms around his boyfriend, clinging to him like a koala.

Jason chuckles and sets aside his laptop. “All right, all right. Only because you look so cute right now.”

Nico grins at him, pulling him in for a kiss.

The aroma of salt and butter fills the air a couple nights later as Nico dumps a second bag of microwave popcorn into a massive bowl. It’s Friday and he and Jason will be leaving for school tomorrow, so they’re having a movie night as a sendoff. Nico glances at the time as he extracts the first round of sodas from the fridge. Given that he’d been running a bit late with getting everything ready, Nico is surprised to see it’s already quarter past when Jason was supposed to come over. He shrugs it off, situating the snacks on the couch and going through his movie collection.

Jason rolls in fifteen minutes later. “I’m sorry!” he says once he’s in the door. “I completely lost track of time.” He sets his backpack on an armchair with great care, suggesting his laptop is inside.

“It’s okay, I was running a bit late, too,” Nico says with a shrug. “Were you studying?”

“Yeah,” Jason says. “Piper was helping me fix my code. She’s way better at it than I am, but I didn’t even think to check the time until my assignment was done, and by then, well, you know.” He offers an apologetic smile. “Late.” He wraps his arms around Nico’s waist from behind, his head on his shoulder as he looks at the movies in Nico’s hands. “What are we watching?” he asked.

“Not sure. It’s a sendoff, so I was thinking something light like a Disney movie or a romcom.”

Jason kisses his neck before nodding. “Sounds good to me.” He closes his eyes and randomly picks one of the movies in Nico’s hands, and that’s the film they watch tonight. Jason is the big spoon as they cuddle on the couch, and wrapped up in his warmth, Nico doesn’t care that Jason was a bit late. There is no place he’d rather be.

When the movie is over and Jason moves to get up, Nico flips over and whines, hugging him. “Why don’t you stay the night?”

Jason chuckles and ruffles his hair. “Can’t, Shortstop. I’m leaving pretty early and I wouldn’t want to disturb your beauty sleep.” He winks.

Nico pouts. “Jason Grace, are you implying I’m not already incredibly handsome? You wound me.” He can’t help heaving a dramatic sigh as he gets up so Jason can leave.

Jason rolls his eyes with a smirk and hugs Nico, giving him a kiss. “You know I think you are the most attractive person to ever grace the earth. I still have to go, though.” He gives him another kiss, then says, “I love you.”

Nico smiles as he pushes him out the door. “I love you, too.”

Nico’s laptop is sitting on the desk in his dorm when he clicks the video camera icon. Within seconds Jason’s face appears on his screen.

“Hey, Neeks!” Jason says, grinning. “Having a good start to the semester?”

Nico scans his dorm room. His roommate is gone to a party, unsurprising as it’s a Friday night. They agreed it wasn’t worth making the drive the first weekend back at school after a month together.

“It’s been the usual,” Nico says. “An ice breaker in every class, and I already have a paper assigned.” He grimaces, and Jason frowns in sympathy.

“Ouch,” Jason says. “How’s that even possible? You’ve only had two classes so far.”

Nico shrugged. “I guess he wants us to be able to work on it early. What about you? And how’d your online classes pan out?”

Jason perked up. “A’s in both of them. Nothing notable in the new classes, though.” He looks away. “Actually, classes aren’t really what’s been on my mind recently.”

Nico’s smile fades. “Something up?”

When Jason faces him again, his smile is gone as well. “I’ve just—I’ve really been missing Thalia.” He fiddles with a bracelet on his arm, handmade with string and the plastic beads with letters on them. Nico doesn’t have to see the letters to know they spell “Jason.” Thalia made it for him when she was a kid, and now that she’s living on the other side of the country, Jason puts it on whenever he misses her.

“How is she doing?” Nico asks, wishing he was there to take Jason’s hand. Video chatting is a great resource and the best they can do, but it’s far from a perfect substitute for physical presence.

“She’s good,” Jason says with a smile, albeit a somber one. “She just got the promotion she’d been aiming for. I’m going to video chat with her tomorrow to celebrate. We haven’t talked in awhile, and it’s going to sound awful, but sometimes I’m almost grateful, because sometimes seeing her while knowing I won’t get to be with her for months is harder than not seeing her at all.” Jason sighs, crestfallen, and runs a hand through his hair. “How do you cope with missing Bianca?”

Nico winces at the mention of his older sister, who he only sees at Christmas and maybe one other time a year. They always had a close relationship, but that closeness made him resent her decision to join the military at first. He’s since gotten over it because he knows she can’t plan her life around his feelings, but it’s still hard to be without her. Plus there’s the added bonus of worrying about her safety, which he always dowa no matter how well she’s doing.

He knows right now Jason needs his advice, and he wants to give it, but he can’t. The truth is he sucks at handling it when he misses Bianca. The full magnitude of her absence always hits him all at once at random times, and he never knows what to do. He usually isolates, skips meals, or watches comedy movies until he feels numb. Usually he does all three. He can’t tell Jason that, though. He knows they’re not healthy coping mechanism and that Jason will go full-blown mother hen on him, and he doesn’t need the lecture when he already knows what he’s doing is bad.

“I don’t know, Jason,” he says. “I don’t really have any strategies for dealing.”

Irritation crosses Jason’s face. He knows Nico is lying to dodge the question, and he knows Nico is aware he knows he’s lying.

“Whatever, Nico,” Jason says with a tinge of bitterness. “I'm going to a party soon. I should go get ready.”

“Jason—”

“Talk to you soon, Neeks. Love you.” Jason ends the video chat.

Nico closes his laptop and buries his face in his arms. Fuck.

Nico and Jason don’t video chat again until the following Thursday although they’ve been texting. 

“Hey,” Nico says when Jason comes up on his screen. 

Jason smiles, but Nico sees the strain within it. “Hey.”

Nico plays with the hem of his T-shirt. “How are you doing?” 

“Same old,” Jason says. “The papers are starting. Is it too early to be looking forward to spring break in a month? What day are you coming home?”

“I’ve got a couple events the weekend of, so I’ll be back between two and two-thirty that Sunday. You?”

“I’ll be back that Friday as soon as my one classe that day is done,” Jason says.

Nico smiles. “I guess that means I can expect you waiting for me when I get home, huh?”

Jason laughs. “Of course. Like I’d wait a single minute longer than necessary to see you.”

Nico chuckles, then bites his lip. “Hey, I uh...I want to apologize for last week.” He plunges ahead before Jason can interrupt. “I didn’t mean to shut you out. I just don’t really have good coping habits for when I miss Bianca and I didn’t want you to worry or lecture me, so I avoided the question. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jason says, and he at least mostly means it, although the hurt is still evident. “I’m sorry I ended the call like that.” There’s a look of hesitation on his face, like he has more to say, but instead of voicing his thoughts, he says, “Want to watch a movie tonight?”

Nico wants to ask what Jason was thinking about, but given that his boyfriend is normally the forthcoming one, he lets it drop. Jason will talk when he’s ready. He says, “Yes,” and they spend the night an hour apart eating the same snacks and watching the same movie.

A couple weeks before spring break, Nico sets up his laptop on his bed and starts an unplanned video chat with Jason. A couple minutes pass before Jason answers.

“Hey, Neeks. Sorry, I was just getting out of the shower,” he explains, as if his only covering being a towel around his waist wasn’t a sufficient indicator.

“No problem, hot stuff,” Nico says with a grin as his eyes rake over his boyfriend’s chest. 

Jason rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling and his cheeks are pink. He sits down at his desk where his laptop is sitting. “Is there a reason you’re making a random call, or were you just hoping to catch me in a towel?” He glances down at something off-screen.

“There’s a reason, but I’m certainly not complaining,” Nico says. He pulls his gaze from Jason’s abs to his eyes. “But anyway! I got that job in the library archives I was hoping for!”

Jason doesn’t answer for a split second, eyes downcast again, but when he looks up, he beams. “That’s amazing, Neeks! I know how badly you wanted that job.” 

“I’m so pumped to get the experience, and I bet it’ll look great on my résumé.” Nico puffs out his chest with pride, but his eyes are on Jason, who’s eyes aren’t on him. “Did I call at a bad time?” he asks, mood damping. 

Jason’s eyes shoot to him. “No, no! I’m sorry.” He smiles. “I’m listening, I promise. It will look good on your résumé. Look at you, so adult as to be worrying about your résumé.” He wipes an invisible tear. “So proud.”

Nico rolls his eyes, enthusiasm restored. “I feel like celebrating.”

Jason’s hand moves off-screen. “You deserve it. Are you going to go out with friends or something?”

“Maybe,” Nico says. “I can think of another way you and me can celebrate right now, though.” He shamelessly checks out Jason again, only to frown when Jason doesn’t notice, again looking down. “What are you doing?”

Jason’s head snaps up. “Sorry, I’m sorry,” he says. “What had you said?”

“I was suggesting some video chat sexytimes,” Nico says, but his interest in the idea is already plummeting, even with Jason shirtless and looking like a Greek god in front of him.

“Don’t make that face, I’m in,” Jason insists.

“You’re dodging the question,” Nico says. “What’s distracting you?”

Jason sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Well...I’m still missing Thalia, but you don’t really talk about Bianca, so I’ve been talking to Piper about it. Her dad is a movie star so he isn’t around all that much. It’s not exactly the same, but we’ve been texting about it and she gets it and has advice and stuff.”

“Oh,” is all Nico says, because he’s not sure what else to say. His heart clenches, and he can’t quite meet Jason’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Jason says. “I just…”

Nico shakes his head. “It’s fine, that’s probably more important right now. You should just focus on that.”

“Are you sure?” Jason says, and Nico can’t tell what he’s thinking or feeling. After Nico nods he says, “Talk soon, then,” and ends the call.

Nico pulls his legs to his chest, side-eyeing the blank laptop screen and wondering if he really was sure. A couple seconds later the screen lights up with a call from Jason. He brightens and accepts the call.

“I just forgot to say I love you,” Jason says. “I love you, Neeks. So much.”

“I love you, too,” Nico says, and then with another smile Jason ends the call.

Jason coming back on just to tell Nico he loves him should make Nico feel better, but somehow it makes him feel even worse.

Nico wakes up at his desk weeks later, head pounding and skin hot. A puddle of drool is soaking into his notebook, and his laptop is open with a dark screen. A groan escapes him as he pulls himself to sit up straight, his back sore and his cellphone telling him it’s nine PM. Great, he fell asleep and wasted hours.

He’s in zombie mode as he pops a pain pill, but he knows he can’t go back to sleep. His new job has been more tasking than expected, he’s taking more than a full course load, and recently insomnia has been plaguing his nights more and more. As much as he’d like to call it a night, he has an unfinished paper due at midnight, and he still needs to do a couple more small assignments for his classes tomorrow. 

Nico forgoes collapsing into bed in favor of making coffee with the coffeemaker Jason bought him a couple years ago as a graduation present. Black coffee is gross, but the bitterness keeps him awake. Although he’d been looking forward to seeing Jason this weekend, his awkward sleep schedule and increased responsibilities are making that seem like less of a possibility. He’ll need the weekend to catch up on schoolwork and sleep, and he knows by now trying to work with Jason around will mean doing zero work. While he doesn’t want to have to tell Jason he can’t make this weekend, it shouldn’t be too big of a deal. Next Sunday he’ll be coming home for a full week of spring break they can spend together.

Nico ends up not going to bed until one AM, but even then it doesn’t matter because he can’t fall asleep anyway, lying awake with buzzing thoughts. When he thinks about Jason, at first his chest aches in missing him. He wants to hold onto that thought, but instead he finds himself thinking back to that video chat of Jason half ignoring him, unsure if he has the right to be annoyed. Not paying attention to someone you’re talking to is rude, but maybe he wasn’t being fair to call without warning and expect full attention. 

He wishes Bianca was available to talk to, but thinking about her only emphasizes that conversation again, how Jason had turned to Piper. They’re friends and it’s understandable that Jason would go to her for help Nico couldn’t provide, but a small part of him is jealous. Which is silly, because he knows he has nothing to worry about. In the back of his mind, he’s not as certain as he used to be.

Nico video chats Jason the next day after class. “Hey, Jace.”

“Hey,” Jason says, his smile permeating his voice. “I can’t wait to see you this weekend. I was thinking we could hit up the diner and a movie or something. You in?”

Nico flinches. A selfish part of him had hoped he wouldn’t have to drop the ball this early, but here it goes. “Actually, um, I don’t think I can do this weekend.”

Jason’s smile falters. “What do you mean?”

“I’m really sorry. I just don’t have the time,” Nico says, miserable. “I haven’t been sleeping well, and my job in the archives is a lot more work than it sounds like. I’m exhausted and still behind in my classes. I can’t afford to give up the weekend with everything I have to get done.”

The corners of Jason’s mouth downturn. “Are you serious? We scheduled this awhile ago. Why didn’t you plan ahead and get your stuff done during the week?”

Nico frowns. “That’s not fair, Jace. I did do schoolwork during the week, but you know I’m doing more than a full course load. It’s a lot to juggle.”

Jason’s face mirrors Nico’s. “I’m doing more than a full course load, too, but I still have time to visit.”

“That’s not the same,” Nico says more harshly than intended. “You’ve always had an easy time with school. I don’t. It’s not my fault it takes me longer to learn the same things as you.”

“Why are you taking on so much if you can’t handle it, then?”

“I am handling it,” Nico snaps. “And besides, I’m thinking about taking on a double major or maybe graduating early, so I need to take as many credits as I can handle if I want to do that. I can’t afford to pay for courses over breaks.”

“No one is asking you to keep up with me, Nico,” Jason says.

Nico’s slight frown becomes an intense scowl. “Why would you assume this is about you? I’m doing this for myself. I want to do college as efficiently as I can and make the most of it, and that’s what I’m doing. It has nothing to do with you.”

Jason averts his eyes. “Regardless, maybe you should take on less. You look tired.”

“I am tired, that’s my point,” Nico says. “We’ll see each other next weekend anyway. I didn’t think this would be such a big deal.”

Jason mumbles something under his breath.

“What was that?” Nico asks.

Jason meets his eyes. “I said, it doesn’t seem like you care that much about seeing me.”

“You know that’s not true,” Nico says, offended Jason would think as much.

“Whatever,” Jason says. “It’s fine. I’ll just make plans with Piper instead.” He mumbles again, and Nico is pretty sure the extra comment slipped out and he wasn’t meant to understand it, but it sounded like, She has time for me.

“Look, I’ll see you next Sunday, okay?” Nico says, tone softening. He doesn’t want to fight about this. “I’ll make it up to you.”

Jason nods. “Yeah, okay.” Nico gets déjà vu as Jason hesitates but ultimately doesn’t say what he’s thinking. “Bye, Nico.” Jason ends the call. 

Nico closes his laptop and falls to his back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. That wasn’t how he expected that conversation to go, and now he feels sick to his stomach. He and Jason haven’t had an argument like that in a long time. Closing his eyes and rubbing his temples, he reflects on the past two and a half months, how things have shifted between them, how Jason’s attitude toward him has been changing. 

Every time Jason mentions Piper Nico can see the mental comparison happening. Nico can’t keep up with Jason’s intellect—but Piper can. Nico isn’t forthcoming with his emotions—but Piper is. Nico doesn’t always have time for Jason—but Piper does.

Jason doesn’t notice what’s happening, but Nico does, the same way he notices Jason didn’t say he loves him before he ended the call.

Nico arrives home the next Sunday at quarter after two, his backpack slung over one shoulder with his laptop and clothes for the week. Last weekend was rejuvenating despite the stress with Jason, and now that he’s caught up on his work, he is more than ready to spend the week cuddling and relaxing. Nothing has ever sounded better. 

When he gets inside Maria di Angelo is waiting for him and pulls him into a hug. “I missed you,” she says, peppering his forehead with kisses. 

He laughs and endures her outpour of affection before pulling away. “It’s only been a few weeks. You practically see me more than you did when I was in high school and always busy or holed up in my room.”

Maria rolls her eyes. “That is not a defense, just evidence that you were an awful teenager.”

He gapes. “Unbelievable. I didn’t talk back, have an unlicensed friend give me a tattoo or piercing, or do drugs, and this is the thanks I get?”

Maria pulls him into another hug, giggling. “You blocked out your mother, which is a terrible, unforgivable sin.”

“I blocked our everyone, which is much less dramatic,” Nico says.

“You didn’t block out Jason,” Maria says with a knowing smile.

Nico blushes. “That was different. But speaking of which, where is he?” He pokes his head into the living room, then his bedroom. “I told him I’d be home around this time today, and he said he’d be waiting for me.”

“I’m not sure, honey,” Maria says. “Maybe he misheard you and he’ll be here later?”

Nico’s shoulders slump. “It’s come up multiple times, but maybe. It’s fine, I’ll just text him and we can hang out until he gets here.” He shoots off a text while Maria grins with him.

She rubs her chin. “Hm, I wonder how many games of Uno I can beat you in before he arrives.” 

Nico’s face becomes competitive. “I can answer that. Zero. Let’s do it.”

At five Nico and his mom decide on takeout for dinner. Nico checks his phone to find no new texts from Jason and shoots him another message, asking if he’s joining them. When half an hour goes by without a response, they order without him. 

Jason doesn’t show up that night.

Even though he’s on spring break, Nico sets an alarm for ten am, a later time than usual but not as late as he would usually sleep when he doesn’t have class. He knows Jason will be up by then, and talking to Jason is the first thing he intends on doing in the morning.

When Nico wakes up his texts to Jason from the night before are still marked as unread, and he’s not sure if that’s better or worse than being blatantly ignored. Ultimately he’s not sure it matters, and it’s all he thinks about on the drive over to Jason’s mom’s house after getting ready. By the time he gets there, he’s seething. 

After years of friendship and dating, Nico and Jason are at a status with each other’s families where they come in without knocking. Beryl Grace would be gone to work by now, anyway, confirmed by the absence of her car in the driveway. Nico walks in and heads straight for Jason’s room.

Despite his former certainty Jason would be awake by now, ten-thirty, he’s snoozing away in his bed, dressed in jeans and T-shirt he presumably wore yesterday. On his nightstand is a glass of water and a bottle of pain meds. Guilt pricks Nico, thinking maybe Jason has been sick. But no, if he was sick he’d be in sweatpants, and he still would have texted Nico if only to tell him he couldn’t come over.

“Jason,” Nico says. “Jason!”

Jason groans louder than seems appropriate and curls into himself. 

“Jason,” Nico says through gritted teeth.

Jason shifts again, eyes opening and squinting at the light. He blinks a few times then sits up, only to groan again. He eyes Nico with a frown. “Nico? What are you going here?” His attention shifts to the water and pain meds and he swallows a couple pills, looking like he wants to collapse on his pillows and fall back asleep.

“Seriously?” Nico says. “You ditched me.”

Jason sighs and swings his legs over the bed, grabbing his phone. “No I didn’t, I…” His eyebrows furrow at his phone when he sees the date. “Oh.”

“Oh,” Nico deadpans. 

Jason rolls his neck and stands, meandering over to Nico. “Sorry, Neeks.”

Nico wrinkles his nose both at Jason’s use of his nickname in this context and the smell of his breath. “Are you hungover?” Nico isn’t a prude regarding alcohol. He and Jason have gotten drunk together and with their respective friends before. But being hungover now, after breaking their plans yesterday?

Jason shrugs. “A little.”

“So let me get this straight,” Nico says, an edge to his voice. “You got pissed at me for not having time for you, for allegedly not caring if I see you, and then you skip seeing me when you said you were going to and ignore my texts to go out drinking? Do I have that right?”

Jason glares at him. “Jesus fucking Christ, Nico, I didn’t skip seeing you, I just forgot! Sorry I wasn’t perfect for once.”

“Oh fuck off with that, Jason,” Nico says. “You know damn well I never expected you to be the golden boy everyone else saw you as. And I texted you, remember? And you never even read them.”

Jason’s jaw sets. “I forgot you were coming home yesterday and I got busy. You know I turn off my phone when I’m out with people. I don’t like to be rude.”

“Except when we were video chatting,” slips out of Nico. “But you’re right, I know you do.” That’s when the epiphany settles over Nico, and he shutters like snow was shoved down the back of his shirt. “But it wasn’t ‘people,’ was it? You were out with Piper.”

For a second the rage on Jason’s face flickers as he says, “No, I wasn’t.”

Nico’s face hardens. “So you’re saying if I saw your texts with her, there wouldn’t be ones of you two planning to meet up for drinks? Or probably even earlier than that since I would assume you weren’t drinking all afternoon but were still too busy to see my text at two?”

Jason’s guards go back up. “So what if I was with her? So what?”

“So what?” Nico shouts. “Because you lied to me about it two seconds ago! Because you chose her over me yesterday! Because somehow she seems to be involved every time I can feel you pulling away from me!”

“Well excuse me for preferring to spend my time and energy on someone who actually gives a shit!” Jason says, and Nico stumbles back as if the words were a slap in the face. “Things have been different. I feel like there’s a wall between us.”

Nico’s mouth is dry. “You never felt like that before you met her. Funny how a whole wall managed to spring up in two and a half months.”

Jason shakes his head, his whole body appearing smaller as the anger visibly drains out of him. “It’s not about Piper. We can get things back to normal. I...I can stop being friends with Piper if that’s what it takes. I love you,” he says desperately, and Nico’s not sure who he’s trying to convince. Nico knows everything Jason just said is a lie, but he’s not sure if Jason knows it.

In this moment Nico realizes two things.

Fact one: Jason doesn't want to be with him anymore. He wants to be with Piper.

Fact two: In spite of fact one, because he’s loyal and selfless to a fault, Jason isn’t going to leave him.

They could stay like this forever if Nico chooses so. Maybe Jason could fall back in love with him or at least become content with him. But even if Nico could love Jason enough to get over Jason not loving him back, Jason would never really be happy that way, and Nico knew it. Being in love with Jason used to mean doing all he could to shower him with affection. Now being in love with Jason means letting him go.

“I—” Nico’s voice breaks immediately, but he swallows his second thoughts and says, “I want to break up.”

Jason freezes. “What?”

Nico steps away from him. “I’m breaking up with you. You’re free. Go be with her.” His fingers brush the doorknob on Jason’s bedroom door.

Jason reaches toward him. “Nico, no, we—”

“No,” Nico says. “That’s my decision. I hope we can be friends at some point, but I need space right now.”
“Neeks—”

Nico flinches. “Don’t call me that.”

Jason’s face falls and his hand drops. Nico has never seen him look so lost or broken.

“Goodbye, Jason,” Nico says, and it takes all of his self-control not to add, I love you.

Nico manages to make it back to his bedroom at home and close the door before he breaks down. He slams his back against the door and slides to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest so tightly it hurts. The sobs are strangled and he has to gasp for air, like too much emotion is trying to get out at once. A headache is already forming, but that’s the least of his problems.

Jason does not love him anymore.

Their relationship is over.

He doesn’t know where they’ll go from here.

Nico is thankful his mom is gone to work. He doesn’t want her to see him like this, doesn’t want her to hear him crying out like he’s dying, doesn’t want her to ask. He doesn’t know how he would explain.

A cacophony of emotions are screaming at him, but all he can think about is how he wants to be angry. He wants to blame Piper even though this isn’t her fault. He wants to blame Jason for doing this to him. But instead he blames himself and feels stupid for trusting that Jason would choose him, really choose him. He can’t help feeling he should have known better.

Jason sends him a dozen texts that night, and Nico doesn’t open any of them. He knows if he hears Jason out he’ll be tempted to go back to him, and if he goes back to him they’ll both be miserable. Jason would resent Nico for the loss of his soulmate, and Nico would resent Jason for making Nico his second choice after everything they’ve been through. Two years were shattered in two and a half months, and Nico hates himself for not having seen the train coming before it crushed him.

For the first time Nico wonders if it’s possible to die of a broken heart.

IV: The Invitation

The breakup burrows into Jason’s chest and splits him open from the inside. This isn’t how this was supposed to go, but now the weight of all the small decisions he’s made recently are crushing him. His knees give out and he crumples to the floor, his whole body trembling as his mind scrambles to find the moment where everything had to have gone wrong to lead to this outcome. But he knows better than to genuinely think this was one thing.

He should be crying, but it’s like his body was completely shut down.

Nico just broke up with him. It’s over. He hates himself for letting that happen, no, for causing that to happen, but more than that he hates how Nico’s words are echoing in his head.

Go be with her.

Go be with her.

Go be with her.

He hates how even though his primary emotion is anguish, the one lying underneath that is relief. Relief is the last thing he should be feeling and he knows it, but it’s there, staring at him with beady, accusatory eyes from the edge of his vision. Because Nico’s implication was right; he does want to be with her. He’s not sure when the shift occurred, but at some point he started wanting Piper more than he wanted Nico, and that thought makes bile burn in his throat.

That knowledge does not stop him from texting Nico asking to talk, to give him a second chance, to let him explain. He knows it’s selfish even as he’s doing it, because he knows being with Nico would be the wrong decision for both of them. Never once has Jason physically cheated on Nico, but he knows that emotionally he’s long since crossed the line. He does not love Nico anymore, and his current desire to be with him is fueled by the familiarity of it, a sense of duty, and the fact that Nico is still important to him and doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Or maybe not the last reason, because being with him now would hurt him more than allowing him room to heal from Jason’s betrayal.

When Nico doesn’t so much as read Jason’s messages, for the second time that day he finds himself relieved, and for the second time that day he finds himself feeling guilty for being relieved.

Jason does not go straight to Piper even though his newly received freedom and newly accepted love for her sits heavy on his mind. He owes Nico at least a semblance of dignity, for him to not immediately move on, even if the whole problem was that he emotionally moved on to someone else before they were even broken up.

His resolve only lasts the week. By the time Jason is returning to school, he and Piper are a couple.

The first year, Jason’s relationship with Piper is amazing. 

Studying is much less of a slog with her than it was alone or with Nico. Jason is pleased to have someone around who shares his passion for technology and design, and they’re able to help each other with their code and ideas. He never has to explain anything, and her suggestions are helpful because she knows what she’s talking about.

Bottling things up is also not a problem Piper has. Jason never has to dig for answers with her or prod to get her feelings. She’s open with everything, and there’s great comfort in that. Somehow she’s naturally attuned to his emotions and just seems to get him. Everything with her is simpler.

They even attend the same college, so finding time to slip into each other’s dorms and be together is easy. With her education funded by her movie star dad, she isn’t distracted by work, lending them even more time. Jason always has all the attention and affection he could ask for.

Jason intends to text Nico after Nico has a few months to get over the breakup, but when he tries to, the phone feels heavy in his hand. He doesn’t know what to say, and he ends up saying nothing at all. 

The second year, Jason’s relationship with Piper is good.

With both of them being sick of dorm life, they make the decision to move in together. A thrill rushes through Jason when they pick out furniture together and move their things in from their parents’ houses. There’s a clash between Jason’s stuff, mostly hand-me-downs from Thalia, and Piper’s expensive gifts from her dad, but neither of them mind. If anything they think the contrast is funny and gives the space character.

Now that they’re upperclassmen, Jason and Piper are no longer in as many of the same classes. They still do homework together side-by-side, though. When Jason finishes a particularly complicated piece of code and it works as intended, he’s excited to explain how he did it, but Piper already knows. She congratulates him on his hard work paying off, but she isn’t impressed like Nico would have been. In the back of his mind he misses how Nico would ask a million and one questions about Jason’s projects even though he didn’t understand the answers. He misses how Nico would put in the effort to try to learn about what Jason does.

Jason wants to call Nico and have him over to see the new place, but he’s unsure if he should after all this time, especially since Nico hasn’t contacted him, either. He doesn’t make the call.

The third year, Jason’s relationship with Piper is okay.

Now that they’re on the brink of graduation, their lives have become hectic. They don’t see quite as much of each other, but they make the most of the time they do. Sundays are lazy days when they relax on the couch together all afternoon, cuddling and talking. Piper doesn’t have that many stories, but she has plenty of feelings, all of which she lays out and lets guide her. 

She’s spontaneous, and most of the time he loves that about her, but more and more he finds himself annoyed by how quickly plans change. Although he appreciates how open she is with her emotions, she expresses them and makes decisions without thinking it through. When further consideration makes her feelings change, Jason and his feelings are usually the collateral damage.

Jason proposes after graduation, and when Piper says yes and flings her arms around his neck, he believes her answer. He is surprised by Piper’s doubts as the months pass by although he should have expected it. Even marriage was a decision she made on the fly, Piper’s confidence in marrying him varying wildly. One week she tells him she’s certain about him. The next she isn’t wearing the ring. As they plan the wedding and the date draws closer, his anxiety over a last minute cancellation from Piper increases, and he can’t help thinking about how Nico would have taken days or weeks to make a decision he was sure of before answering.

Jason considers asking Nico to come to the wedding. Before Nico and he were dating, he always pictured Nico as his best man, and while that would probably be a strange thing to do after years apart, he still wants him in attendance. After all, they were best friends once. They were in love once. The ‘maybe’ list of guests sits in front of him, each person  to be moved to the ‘yes’ list or crossed out. He chews on the end of his pen, nostalgia and doubt aching in his chest. Jason crosses off Nico’s name.

The fourth year, Jason’s relationship with Piper is bad.

Getting married accompanied other major life shifts. Although he’s working full-time, Jason isn’t nearly as swamped as he once was. In college he was perpetually shuffling between classes, schoolwork, part-time job, school clubs, friends, and Piper. After that it was the first full-time job of his career, friends, Piper, and wedding planning, which took up a lot more time than expected. Now that he’s busy without his schedule being booked solid, he realizes how not-busy Piper is. 

She has a job similar to Jason’s at a different company and works the same hours as him, but she’s almost always home when he is. While Jason fills his time exploring the city with his friends, developing the first game he’s made that goes beyond the most basic code, and taking classes through work that will improve his versatility and pay, she stays in and spends most days doing the same things.

Only now does he realize that all the spontaneity and vivacity she showed was channeled through him; she was always making and changing and breaking plans with him, and she still does, but she doesn’t do as much as her own. Despite being a social butterfly who easily draws people in, she doesn’t hang out with friends as much as he assumed she does. The truth, he’s coming to see, is that he isn’t as well-acquainted with Piper’s personal life as he thought. Even when living together his own cramped schedule had allowed him to not see what she did when they weren’t doing something together. 

Piper is content with the simple life and accepts where she’s at, and that’s nothing wrong with that, but Jason is always pushing for more and isn’t sure how he feels about the dissonance in their approaches to life. He intends to keep scaling up the ladder at work, becoming a more well-rounded person, and creating his own products. Ten years down the line, he wants to be a far cry from where he is now, but will that new version of him still be coming home to the same version of Piper who exists now? Is he happy with that?

Jason never considered that the reason Piper always had time for him was because she didn’t have much going on.

Jason and Piper discuss their days each night. He describes the new responsibilities he’ll have if he gets the promotion his classes have been training him for. He tells her about the new restaurants he tried. He updates her on his progress with the game he’s making. Every day he experiences something new to tell her about. Piper used to be constantly learning things in class or doing activities in clubs she could tell him about, but now she has the occasional funny story from work and that’s all.

This doesn’t bother him at first, but months pass, and as he’s changing Piper begins to feel like a stagnant piece in a puzzle that’s morphing around her. On paper she is everything he thought he wanted, someone who shares his intelligence and interests, is expressive and open, and has all the time for him he could want. On paper their relationship is perfect, but the reality wears on him more and more as time goes by, and the whole while he is thinking about Nico.

Nico couldn’t keep up with Jason’s work, but he tried to. He showed Jason he loved him by learning about it, by listening to him talk about it and asking questions even though he didn’t understand. He wasn’t always upfront with his thoughts, but when Nico did open up, Jason always knew that Nico meant what he said. Every time Nico shared something personal with Jason it felt important and sacred, a show of vulnerability bestowed only upon those closest to him. Jason always felt special, trusted, and loved in those moments. Nico didn’t always have time for Jason, but he didn’t take cancelling plans lightly, and Jason knew Nico’s time was valuable. Nico was busy because he had a vibrant personal life full of ambition, taking on tasks he didn’t need to because they would improve him or his life. He always had stories.

All at once the regret is torpedoing through Jason’s mind over how he treated Nico, over their relationship ending, over not having contacted him since. Nico wasn’t the perfect partner, but he and Jason were a good pair, even if Jason didn’t know it at the time.

In late February Jason lies awake, staring at the ceiling and listening to Piper’s soft breathing in bed beside him. Moonlight filters into the bedroom as snow descends from the sky. He should be at peace, his life stable and comfortable, having been with Piper for almost four years. But he does not love her anymore, he wants Nico back, and while selflessness and loyalty are still important to him, they are no longer his fatal flaw.

Piper did nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve to be abandoned for being herself, for being someone he didn’t realize she is, for being exactly as advertised. But she also doesn’t deserve to be with someone who does not love her the way she needs. She was a good friend to him before all this. Maybe they could go back to that if leaving now doesn’t obliterate any chance they had of being in each other’s lives. He can’t expect her to forgive him.

Jason has a decision to make, stay or go, and he can only hope he doesn’t come to regret the path he chooses.

The fifth year, Jason’s relationship with Piper is over.

By the time he asked her for a divorce, she already knew it was coming. She was always able to read him, and she felt his dissatisfaction creeping in like a shadow over their apartment. Given that it was his decision and she did nothing wrong, he made the divorce proceedings easy on her, giving in to all her demands. The last time he saw her, her face was blank though her red eyes gave away that she’d been crying, from sadness or anger he didn’t know. Probably both.

On the way out of their last meeting she told him she hoped they could be friends after the dust had settled and he agreed, but he wasn’t sure either of them meant it. More importantly the exchange sent a shiver down his spine as he was reminded of the last time he had that agreement.

Jason is free once again, and it’s a weight off. He can be with Nico if Nico is able to forgive him, if he still wants him. He misses Nico so desperately he can’t believe he ever wanted anyone else, and what he hates most looking back is how he made his lost feelings so clear Nico had to be the one to break things off. That was an unfair burden for Nico to have taken on, but he did it for Jason. Because he loved him.

Although Jason tried to insist that Piper keep the apartment and he would move out, she wasn’t able to stay there after everything they’d been through in that place. Each day Jason comes home from work and understands the sentiment. The place feels empty and lifeless without her, and the only thing distracting Jason from that as he wakes up today is his own trepidation. With nowhere to be, today is the day he’s going to try to contact Nico. Hopefully his old phone number still works, because Nico was never one for social media and he’s not sure how he’ll find him otherwise.

Nico is all Jason can think about as he goes about his morning, trying to prepare himself to talk to him, to ask to see him. He’s up early and makes breakfast, showers, and cleans the apartment until it sparkles. There is a sense of solace in the manual labor. When the mail comes, he fetches it, reading the fronts as he returns to the apartment. The pile is the usual bills and advertisements, except the last envelope. Swoopy handwriting is on the front, and his heart nearly stops when he recognizes it.

Nico’s handwriting. 

To hear from Nico a week after his divorce was finalized has to be fate, be a sign. His hands are quivering as he tears the envelope open in record time.

Inside is an invitation to Nico’s wedding.

Jason straightens his tie as he surveys himself in the bathroom mirror. The tie is already straight, but he keeps fiddling with it anyway, because it’s something to do with his hands while he tries not to vomit. Although he’s half an hour early to the ceremony like most of the guests, he knows he can’t spend that time gripping the sink and glaring at his reflection. He straightens, pulls on a smile, and pushes open the bathroom door.

The foyer of the venue is filled with guests milling about and chatting among themselves. Some guests have seated themselves in the room where the ceremony will be taking place, but Jason isn’t ready to face that reality yet, so he weaves between the people as if he has a target location when he doesn’t. There aren’t many people, so it will be a small, intimate ceremony, which knowing Nico doesn’t surprise Jason.

This on-brand observation makes Jason’s throat constrict. Over four years have passed since the breakup, the last time they saw each other. Many things are the same, but he knows many must be different as well, and those are the things he’s waiting to slap him in the face. Some already are, like how few of these people Jason recognizes. He couldn’t say who are Nico’s guests and who are his soon-to-be spouse’s.

One person does catch his eye, but not because he knows them. He’s never seen this man before, but Jason’s eyes are on his forearm, where a black cat is tattooed. Jason’s heart races around in his chest. William Solace, the name beside Nico’s on the invitation, Nico’s fiancé. He’s not sure why Will is out here instead of getting ready, but Jason is approaching him before he can think it through, smiling in a way that he hopes looks authentic.

“Hi,” Jason says, and already he’s run out of words. His thoughts are spinning too much to make sense of them. He’s going to be sick.

Will perks up. “Hi,” he says. He tilts his head. “You look familiar.”

Jason stiffens. Will is going to recognize him and tear him apart for what he did to Nico.

Will snaps his fingers. “Jason Grace, right? An old friend of Nico’s.”

Jason gives a curt nod, unsure if ‘old friend’ is what Nico told Will he is, or if Will is going with that title to make things less awkward between them. “The, uh, the venue is really nice,” he says.

Will chuckles. “Yeah, it is. I had to talk Nico into it, but I think it was worth the fight.”

Jason nods, thinking about how Will’s idea of a “fight” with Nico is much different from his own. He licks his lips. “What are you doing out here, anyway?”

Will raises an eyebrow. “Mingling? Nico doesn’t really need me right now, and Will has his own best man, so.”

Wait.

When Jason’s brows furrows, ‘Will’ laughs. “You assumed I’m Will, didn’t you?” he said, holding up his arm to show the tattoo. Upon closer inspection, Jason can confirm his tattoo is definitely the same as Nico’s.

‘Will’ gives him an amused smile. “Yes, I’m Nico’s soulmate, but I’m his best man, not his groom. My name’s Simon.” He holds out his hand, and Jason shakes it with a weak grip. “Nico and I met years ago, only a few months after he started dating Will. A lot of people would probably consider that unfortunate timing, but I have no regrets. We’ve been best friends ever since, although we’re both still tight with Percy, too.” Simon’s phone beeps, and he checks the text. “I’d love to stay and chat, but it looks like Nico needs me. But I guess I’ll see you at the reception, aye?” He smiles, squeezing Jason’s shoulder as he passes.

Jason is rooted to the spot. When he saw Nico’s soulmate, he assumed he was the groom. He assumed that after Jason fell out of love with Nico in favor of his soulmate, Nico wouldn’t take that risk again. He was wrong. Nico stumbled into the same situation as Jason, and he did it differently.

Jason tugs at his collar, this information making the walls cave in and the room shrink. Then Bianca comes in from the other room and he panics, ducking out of a door on instinct.

He’s on a large patio now, and the sunny atmosphere of early June stands in sharp contrast to his mood. The air is fresh but no amount of it can clear his lungs. He leans on a railing, looking out over a green backyard area and steadying his breathing.

A few minutes later the door opens behind him. He turns to face the new arrival in this otherwise empty space, and his entire body is shocked into attention.

Nico.

The only reason Jason doesn’t open and close his mouth like an idiot is he’s too stunned to move even his jaw. He can’t take his eyes off Nico, who looks both exactly and nothing like he used to.

Nico is taller now, though not as tall as Jason, and he’s put on a subtle layer of muscle. His hair, once shaggy around his ears, is now clean-cut and falls a couple inches above his shoulders, styled for the occasion. For the first time that Jason has seen, he’s in a suit. Every inch of him is prepared to walk down that aisle, but here he is on the patio with Jason, getting some fresh air before the ceremony. All of it is a reminder that Jason does not necessarily know who Nico is anymore.

Nico mimics Jason’s position by leaning on the railing inches away, but neither of them speak at first.

Jason’s entire capacity for rational thought is hindered by the sight of Nico, older and carrying himself more confidently than he once did. His body is screaming at him to grab Nico’s tie and pull the man into him, to kiss him until neither of them remember their names. He was already missing Nico like he was a part of Jason that had been broken off, but that is nothing compared to the longing he feels in this moment as the memories pour over him like a bucket of ice water. They both know Jason is staring, but Jason can’t make himself stop. 

Gradually Jason’s thoughts become coherent again, and suddenly he has many things he wants to say.

I’ve missed you.

I’m sorry I didn’t call.

Why didn’t you call?

What he actually says is, “It’s good to see you.” When Nico smiles, Jason’s heart stops.

“You too,” Nico says. “I know you RSVP’d, but...I wasn’t sure you’d actually come.”

Jason can’t read Nico's expression. “I would never miss this,” he says even though they both know that isn’t true, not after everything they missed in each other’s lives over the past years. “I...I’m sorry for...for back then. And for not contacting you.” His face is scrunched up like the words hurt him, but Nico retains his smile and air of ease.

“I forgave you ages ago, Jason,” Nico says. “I made mistakes when we were together, too. And I didn’t contact you either.” He shrugs. “It’s in the past.”

Right now he wants Nico more than he’s ever wanted anything, aches for him so badly that a visceral part of him is sure that if Nico goes back inside Jason will drop dead right there on the patio. He checks the time on his phone. There are still twenty minutes before the ceremony begins. There’s still time to stop it. His heart pounds as a whole speech plays through his head.

I’m so sorry, Nico. I’m sorry I didn’t choose you. I’m sorry things ended how they did. Piper and I aren’t together anymore, and being with her made me realize how perfect we are for each other. I didn’t appreciate you when I had you, and you deserved so much better than what I gave you. You put so much effort into our relationship and always loved and trusted me, and I have never regretted anything more than thinking Piper was better for me than you and letting that ruin our relationship. I’ve missed you more than I could ever hope to put into words. I love you, and I know you’re with Will now, but I know we’re meant to be together. It’s always been you, and I was stupid to not see that back then. I know I don’t deserve a second chance or anything else from you, but if you’ll take me back, I know we can make it work, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for all the pain I caused you and showing you how much I love you.

He wants to say that. He wants to say anything that will convince Nico to give them another shot. He can’t rewind, but he can make up for it now. It’s not too late for them.

But then he remembers back to those four years ago, to the fight that ended their relationship. He remembers the unrestrained horror and pain on Nico’s face and how Nico’s voice broke when he said he wanted to break up. Recently that scene has been feeling like wallpaper plastered on the inside of his mind, as vivid as if it had just happened. Jason knew in that moment and still knows now that Nico still loved Jason when he broke up with him, and he had done it not because he wanted to, but because he knew Jason wouldn’t. He knew Jason wanted to be with someone else and released him so he could do so. 

Nico picked Jason’s happiness over his own, a more selfless act than the shallow brand of selflessness Jason had been displaying at the time.

Every fiber of Jason’s body is telling him to make a final plea to Nico to get him back, but he thinks about that sacrifice and how happy Nico is now. Nico’s happiness shows itself in many ways, but there is an understated, relaxed kind that Jason only ever saw in quiet moments on the couch when Nico was completely satisfied and wanted to revel in the moment. That’s the type of happiness he sees in him now on this patio. It’s in his small, content smile, his relaxed demeanor, the way he gazes out over the backyard like he’s envisioning his bright future.

The speech is on the tip of Jason’s tongue, but he lets it die there. He doesn’t know what Nico would say if he tried to win him back now, and it doesn’t matter. A million years ago Nico made a sacrifice for Jason’s happiness, and after what Jason put him through, he at least owes him the same in return. Being in love with Nico used to mean doing all he could to shower him with affection. Now being in love with Nico means letting him go.

Nico faces Jason and raises an eyebrow. “You got something on your mind, Jace?” Nico says with a smirk, though Jason is certain Nico can’t tell what he’s thinking.

Between the nickname and the look on Nico’s face, for a moment Jason feels like he’s gone back in time. He nods and licks his lips as if to scrape off the remnants of what he almost said. There are so many things he wants to say to the man standing before him, but what he actually says is, “Congratulations.”

Nico’s smile softens, as does his voice. “Thank you. That...that means a lot coming from you.” And because it’s Nico, Jason knows he means that.

Nico stays outside a while longer, but neither of them say anything else before they both head in different directions to await the beginning of the ceremony. 

Jason goes through the motions: he smiles when Nico and Will each walk down the aisle. He tears up when they say their vows to each other though not for the same reason the others do. He cheers and claps when they share their first kiss as husbands. No one can see that he is crumbling.

After the ceremony, everyone funnels into the dining area for the reception, but Jason stays where he is until he is the only one left in the room. He takes out his phone, and although he keeps few photos readily accessible, the selfie he took with Nico on their first day of senior year is still there. A younger, happier Jason beams back at him while Nico blushes beside him. Running a hand through his hair, he deletes the photo, feeling the most empty he ever has before.

Jason Grace thinks soulmates are a load of bullshit.