Chapter Text
It’s sad, really. It’s painful and awful for people to live the way Jimin does. It hurts. It’s miserable. Yet, he kept going.
Despite how tough it was, he kept going. He had a plan. He was going to complete the steps no matter what.
“What’s your dream in life?”
Jimin barely paid attention. This was a conversation that happened too often, and honestly he was tired of it. He despised the duration of the school year where all the teachers and counselors talked about college and the next stages of their life.
Dreams. Goals.
Jimin didn’t have those. He didn’t need them.
“Hoseok?”
Everyone turned to look at the student called. Jung Hoseok. A pretty guy with the most perfect nose Jimin had ever seen. A literal ray of sunshine. Hoseok wasn’t always happy, but when he was it was infectious.
“Oh…. My dream in life is to be a dancer. Or, maybe a dance teacher,” He answered with a bright smile.
Jimin found himself smiling too. He couldn’t help it. He knew all about Hoseok’s plans for the future, and Jimin really hoped he achieved every single one.
“Is that all?” The teacher pressed.
Hoseok laughed nervously. “Well, I want to perform for people. And… I want to be happy.”
There were hums of agreement throughout the classroom.
“Excellent. And for you, Seokjin?”
All eyes turned to Kim Seokjin. Another beauty in the class. He was really nice, yet always quick with witty comments and a funny sense of sarcasm. Seokjin was almost worshipped in their school.
“Ah, well, I’m not too sure, but I’d like to be in some type of culinary job. Either owning a bakery, or working as a chef,” He answered honestly.
Jimin knew about his dreams as well. The future was something their group of friends discussed a lot. Jimin listened intently every time and prayed that every single one of his friends achieved what they wanted in life.
Yet, Jimin never contributed to those conversations. His friends had picked up on it, but whenever they confronted Jimin he would laugh it off and say he’d cross that bridge when he came to it.
Jimin assumed they knew the truth, though. Jimin didn’t plan on completing college and working afterwards. He didn’t plan on anything after high school.
Jeon Jungkook had been the most insistent on Jimin’s future. He had cornered the shorter once and demanded to know why Jimin didn’t think his future was important.
Jimin had laughed softly. “Not everyone needs to live life like that, Jungkookie. Not everyone worries about the future.”
They hadn’t talked about it after that.
Jimin knew his teacher wouldn’t call on him to talk about his dreams. The teacher could practically see right through Jimin. Which had resulted in being asked to stay after school many times to sit through counseling sessions, as well as his parents being called in for emergency conversations.
Jimin wasn’t going to kill himself, though. Not yet. So he reassured his family that he was okay and there was nothing to worry about. The less they worried, the better.
“Almost everyone in here knows what they want to do after you graduate, yes? Excellent. The first step to getting where you want is planning it out. Whether that’s college, or…”
Jimin tuned her out. He turned his eyes away from the teacher and out the window. He loved staring at the sky. He’d picture himself floating with the clouds, invisible to everyone below on the ground. He imagined that he was one with the sky. Just watching everything pass by and then disappearing. Living without responsibilities, without hurt and anger, and without being lonely.
He imagined himself standing on the ledge, arms spread open wide, as the cool wind whipped through his hair and around his body. Right as he prepared to jump.
He longed for that day to come.
“Hey,” A familiar voice whispered with a kick delivered to his chair. “Pay attention.”
Min Yoongi. Another of Jimin’s pretty friends. Jimin always thought he resembled a cat. He was just so cute, especially when he talked passionately about how he wanted to become a diligent and professional music producer.
Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Kim Namjoon, Kim Taehyung, and Jeon Jungkook. Those were all of Jimin’s best friends. The people who Jimin loved dearly and wished only the best for. The people who made Jimin feel alive.
They were the people who made him feel alive even though he felt alone. It was a very contradicting relationship. When Jimin hung out with them he smiled. He felt like that was it. Those moments of running away from Taehyung as he screamed with laughter. Those were the moments he was meant to experience. But the second Jimin left his friends, it was like he was plunged into murky, chilling, and deep waters. He didn’t know how to get out of the pool of depression. He had longed since stopped trying.
Jimin pretended to be listening for the rest of his class until they were dismissed. He quickly gathered all of his belongings and followed his friends out of school.
It was a nice day. The blue sky had scattered whire clouds, and the weather was cool but not cold. Jimin loved this weather. He sucked in a deep breath of fresh air.
“Jiminie you really should at least act like you’re listening to what the teachers say,” Namjoon sighed.
Jimin laughed. He knew his friends wished he planned a future for himself. He knew they wanted him to achieve his dreams right next to their sides. He knew they wanted him to focus on having a life where he smiled every day.
Jimin had not smiled daily in a long time.
“What’re the plans?” Taehyung hummed as they exited the doors.
The mood switched. Thank you Taehyung. Jimin wanted his friends to care about him, but he hated confrontation. There wasn’t any amount of pleading that would change Jimin’s mind about the future.
Hoseok practically jumped up in excitement. “Let’s go get milkshakes!” He exclaimed.
“I’m on a diet,” Jungkook pointed out.
Hoseok shot him a glare. “So? You can order a glass of water. Besides, it’s not like one milkshake will hurt you. You’re just going to work it off later.”
Jungkook rolled his eyes, but he had a slight pout on his lips. He had started working out a lot lately, and it was starting to show. He was muscular in his arms, with prominent veins running down his hands, and the outlining of abs starting to show.
Jeon Jungkook looked good.
Jimin always had a bit of a crush on the taller. Jeon Jungkook was just so adorable. He had these cute bunny teeth and cute mannerisms. The way his eyes widened as he drank water, and the way he always checked up on his friends caused warmth to flow through Jimin’s heart. He was also incredibly handsome. Eye contact with the taller one made Jimin’s heart flutter. He stared at Jimin a lot, but whenever they made eye contact Jungkook would quickly look away with a pink tint to his cheeks. It messed with Jimin’s head.
But that was neither here nor there. Jimin wouldn’t allow himself to be in a relationship when he planned on dying. He wouldn’t put anyone through the pain of losing a partner. So he closed off his feelings. Or, rather, he ignored them.
“Jiminie?” Namjoon called. “Are you coming with?” They were all watching expectedly. It looked like they had asked the question more than once.
Jimin hesitated then gave a sad smile. “Sorry, I have to go work today. Maybe another time?”
It wasn’t a lie, nor was it the truth. Jimin didn’t have to go to work for another hour, so he would’ve definitely had time to grab a milkshake and then go. However, he didn’t feel like putting himself through more social interactions. He was drained. Just like every day when the last school bell rang. Jimin was exhausted from putting up the act of being okay.
They all looked at him with knowing eyes. “Okay,” Taehyung finally answered. “It’s okay. Next time for sure though.” He spoke softly, like he was trying to comfort the shorter. Eventually Taehyung patted Jimin’s arm. The friends said their goodbyes and parted ways.
Jimin thought he was good. He thought he had made it out smoothly and breathed out in relief.
That was until a body popped up in his peripheral. Jimin glanced over to see Jungkook falling into step with him quietly.
“What are you doing?” Jimin asked with wide eyes full of confusion.
Jungkook shrugged. “I don’t want a milkshake anyways.” He didn’t look over.
Jimin let out a heavy breath. It was times like this that made Jimin waver. He was glad Jungkook wanted to spend time together, it made him feel... nice. But it went against Jimin’s rule of closing himself off. “You didn’t have to ditch them though-”
“You mean like you did?”
Jimin stopped in his tracks as shock ran throughout his body. Maybe Jungkook didn’t mean to, but it hurt Jimin. “Hey!” He protested. “That’s mean.” He was being childish, but he didn’t care. Jungkook didn’t have to talk to him like that. Even if he was right.
Jungkook finally looked him in the eyes with a sigh. The eyes that usually were full of stars were dull. Instead, they were full of hurt. “How? It’s the truth, Jimin. You always say no to hanging out with us and give the same excuse. Were not dumb, you know. We all figured you just didn’t want to spend time with us.”
Jimin pouted. “I do have work, though,” He shot back. He was ready to argue in defense.
Jungkook rolled his shoulders as he inhaled sharply. “Okay.” He snapped. “Okay. Let me at least walk you there, okay?” He dropped his voice to speak gently, just like Taehyund had.
Jimin hesitated. He didn’t like the fact that Jungkook was obviously upset with him, but he could never say no to the taller. Instead of answering he continued walking. Jungkook took it as a yes and fell into a step again in silence.
It was a bittersweet moment for him. Jimin loved moments like these. When everything was calm and he could enjoy the presence of his friends. It filled him with a sense of comfort. He loved this, but he knew he’d miss it. If he could watch over his friends he would miss moments like this. He would miss his friends.
This was the thing that frightened him the most. Jimin knew he would leave pain when he left this world. His mother, father, brother, friends, and possibly acquaintances. He knew they’d be in so much emotional pain, that they’d scream and cry and ask him why. Their hearts would break. Why did you leave Jimin? Why didn’t you tell us? We could have helped you. Why? Why, why, why? Why did you suffer alone?
But this life wasn’t for Jimin. Despite it physically hurting Jimin to cause emotional agony to the people he loved, he felt like he had completed the life he was supposed to live. There was nothing more for him.
“Jiminie?” Jungkook suddenly called out.
Jimin looked up as he dragged himself out of his thoughts. “Hmm?” He froze as Jungkook slowly lifted a hand to his face. First, he cradled Jimin’s cheek in his palm, then Jungkook traced his thumb just below his eyes.
Jimin had been crying.
“Please,” Jungkook whispered on a broken breath. His eyes quickly filled up with tears. His lower lip trembled. “Please don’t go.” As the first tear fell, as his voice broke, and as he ended his sentence with a sob, he crushed the shorter against him in a hug.
He knew. Jimin knew immediately what Jungkook meant. Jungkook knew. He knew Jimin planned to die. He was crying. Jungkook was crying he was in pain he was hurting. No, no, no. Nobody was supposed to know this early. Jungkook can’t know. He was crying. Jimin had never seen Jungkook cry. It hurt. It felt like knives had been shot into Jimin’s heart and were sawing through his emotions.
Jimin’s heart shattered while he witnessed Jungkook’s heart breaking. Jimin let loose all the pain he bottled up, all the heartbreak and agonizing hurt. All the disgust he felt for himself. All the lonely nights of him screaming into a damp pillow. All the hours of him staring in the mirror and breaking into sobs. All the times he wished he’d drop dead.
As Jungkook cried into his hair, Jimin sobbed into his shirt. He hated seeing Jungkook like this. He didn’t want to see this part of leaving, he hadn’t planned on sticking around long enough to witness this. “Please stop crying,” Jimin gasped out between sobs. He was shaking. Please stop hurting. Please understand. “I don’t want to be here anymore, Kook. I can’t do it, I can’t stand to be alive. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
“Please,” Jungkook whispered again and again and again. Begging for Jimin to stay. Begging for things to get better. Begging for Jimin to stop hurting. Begging to not lose the love of his life.