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Bellamy and Finn are in the woods one day when they come across tracks, it doesn’t take long to track the source - the single benefit of having Finn as backup, other than the fact that he dragged Bellamy away from the explosion of the dropship, but Bellamy has saved his life since, so it’s all good - and Bellamy is awestruck when they find it.
Because the source looks remarkably like Clarke in a way that relatives do, but with brunette hair and brown eyes. And the man beside her looks remarkably like the man who ordered his mother dead - one of them, anyway. The woman’s face softens when she sees the boys and the man puts an arm on her hand, raising another with a gun, training it on Bellamy’s head.
“I know you.” He says and Bellamy would bet his bottom dollar - if he had one - that he could guess why. “You shot Jaha.” There we go.
“Leave him be, Kane.” The woman says, restraining him. “Leave them be.”
“He almost killed the Chancellor, Abby.” - Bellamy wonders why the name is detachedly familiar - “He could kill us.”
“I won’t kill you.” Bellamy says offhandedly. “If that’s what you’re worried about. You’re - you were - on the council, right?” ‘Kane’, straightens his jacket and stares at Bellamy. Before he has a chance to answer, his female companion answers for him.
“Do you know who Clarke Griffin is?” The woman asks, startling Bellamy, although with the resemblance and the name, it probably shouldn’t have. Bellamy stared at her, open mouthed. She surged forward.
“Do you hear me? Do you know my daughter? Clarke. Clarke Griffin. She’s-“
“Blonde, Blue-eyed, stubborn as hell?” Finn finished for her, she glanced at him as if first seeing him. "About ye high?" He holds his hand by his temple, signifying her height. Bellamy resists scoffing. Finn was about as tall as the tree stumps surrounding him.
“You know her?” The air leaves the woman's lungs like a balloon being deflated.
“When there’s only 100 people, ma’am, your daughter stands out. In fact, I’m sure she’d stand out if there were over 1000.” Bellamy wants to blanch, as Finn sucks up to Clarke's mother - he wishes he had the energy to do the same, but without her daughter he doesn’t. So he stands silent, watching as Finn connects with his future mother-in-law. He stands with the angry Kane as they smile at each other and wants to punch Finn more with every passing second.
“Do you know Clarke?” She asks Bellamy, finally. Bellamy looks up at her, desperately.
"Just about better than I know myself, Ma'am." He tells her truthfully. He's an observant one, Bellamy Blake, and he's observed a hell of a lot about a certain Clarke Griffin.
“Come with me.” She says gently, leading them towards a structure - the ark - just a little - a lot - ruined. They’ve built camps around it and there are citizens milling around. “We need your help.” She tells them. “I don’t know where the rest of you are. I don’t know who else is down here, but even if just the two of you have survived, then you’ve survived a hell of a lot longer than we could alone.”
“Is Clarke here?” Bellamy asks, peering around. “Where is she?” Abby looks mournful and he knows the answer to his questions before they leave his mouth.
He asks anyway. Stupid kid.
“You really don’t know where my daughter is?” She asks, hope trickling out of her voice and her features.
“Don’t you?” Even asking the question, he knows it’s hopeless. “FUCK. Fuck it. Fuck it all.” He rips through something - God knows what, he just hopes it’s not a child - tears are threatening his eyes, but they can’t fall. He’d hoped she was cleverer than that. He'd hoped she’d gotten away. He should've known she hadn't. She wouldn't have left when there was a chance that Finn and him could come back.
He knew she hadn’t left when he saw the empty canisters by the dropship.
He’d hoped she’d had some backup plan that she hadn’t told him.
It was all in vain.
The dreams, the hopes, the looking forward to seeing her again. Everything.
It was all in fucking vain and she’s not there.
She’s not there. She’s not there.
Abby doesn’t have her.
Who does?
Seeing the people on the ground, he’s not hopeful.
He wants her to be alive more than anything.
She’s not alive.
He knows that.
Kane is shouting and Abby is screaming. Bellamy is ripping through the camp like it’s paper. Kane is shouting for reinforcements, and bodies are near Bellamy’s.
He doesn’t pay attention.
He can hear Finn.
He doesn’t listen.
“He’s just a boy.” Abby cries as Bellamy tears through the remnants of the Ark like a raging hurricane, destroying everything he can. Nothing is concrete, nothing is there because Clarke isn’t there. Clarke is gone. Clarke has been captured and taken and he can’t have her back. Not now. Maybe not ever. He’s screaming, but there’s no words coming out, just his heart, heaving in his chest, sliding up his chest into his throat and further, as if it’s being ripped out of his body, he’s being taken apart. He was so sure that someone would find her, would find all of them, these group of misfits that had grown to be his family, his children, his people. It’s like the loss of Charlotte 70 odd times over, and worse because it was Clarke and it was Octavia and they were the two most significant people in his life aside from his deceased mother.
And he realises that he loves Clarke.
And he realises what love does to you.
He loved his mother and she’s dead; he loved his sister and she’s gone; he loved Clarke and well… she’s unreachable. He feels her absence too strongly, and paired with the absence of Octavia, there’s not a part of him missing. No, there’s barely a part of him present anymore.
“He’s just a boy.” Abby is chanting as Kane tries to tackle him and stop him. Bellamy can hear his own sobs, his wordless shouts for Clarke and Octavia, for Miller and Jasper, for Monty, for Raven, for anyone familiar, anyone who had been part of his oversized family for the past few weeks.
He just wants them back.
He just needs them back.
He cries out and there’s a jab in his arm before the world goes dark.
*******
She’s there in his dreams.
She always is. But tonight it's different.
She’s sitting next to him, by Charlotte’s empty grave. There’s another beside it that there never was before. He nods towards it. “Who?” He asks quietly, staring at the badly made cross and few purple flowers on the otherwise empty grave. He doesn’t think he wants an answer — he knows he doesn’t want an answer. But the words leave his lips anyway. Clarke stays quiet, but he pushes.
“Clarke. Tell me, please. Is it Octavia?” Her head is down as she shakes it. A blossom of guilty relief bursts in his chest.
It’s not Clarke, it’s not Octavia.
Who is it?
“Who, Clarke?”
“Me.” She replies eerily, looking up. The stars in her eyes are gone, they’re dull, empty. There’s no passion in her expression, it’s foreign. It's hopeless.
She’s hopeless. He’s never seen a hopeless Clarke.
Even when Jasper was as good as dead, she didn't give up. When Finn was almost there, and they couldn’t get the grounder to speak, she didn’t give up.
Now she’s given up and Bellamy doesn’t want to know why.
“Where are you?” He whispers, dropping to his knees beside her. "Where are you, Clarke?"
“I’m here.” She replies - it’s an honest answer, she is. But not really.
“No. Not here, really, where are you?” Bellamy asks, reaching for her, but she’s unreachable. “Clarke, Princess, please. Where are you? Please?”
“I’m gone, Bellamy. I’m gone. I have to go for good.” Her voice is quieter than he ever thought possible. A few weeks ago, he'd have killed for this kind of peace. Now he'd kill to get rid of it.
“No. No. I can’t do this without you, Clarke. I-I need you.”
“No. You need yourself, Bellamy. That’s all you’ve ever needed. You’re not co-dependent. You’ll survive.” Bellamy shakes his head. No. No. She can’t do this. “Tell Finn and my mom I’m sorry.” She murmurs. “I’m going to be with my dad. I'm going to see my dad again.”
“No. What about me?” He feels his face contort showing a pain worse than anything a grounder could inflict on him.
“What about you? Survive, Bellamy. Survive and find the rest of them. They need you. We’re depending on you. Go find them. They need you."
“Come back. They need us."
“I can’t. This is as far as I go, Bell. You go the rest of the way on your own.” She stands.
“I can’t.”
“You can. Remember that I need you, we all need you. We're all counting on you. And you’re not a monster, okay? Never believe that. You’re not a monster. Ever.”
“This sounds remarkably like a goodbye.” He retorts.
“That’s ‘cause it is. Save yourself, Bell. Save yourself and Finn. Find Octavia and the others. Find the sea. Live and be happy. Find a nice girl and be happy. You deserve it.”
“So do you.” He argues. She smiles sadly.
“I will be.” She’s walking away now. “Good luck, Bellamy Blake. You’ll need it.”
“Stay with me.” He says to her back.
“Always.” She remarks, but she’s walking away. “I’ll always be here.”
“I love you.” He whispers, but she’s already gone.
He has to watch her disappear into the trees before he wakes up.