Chapter Text
Akaashi wished he had never entered the gym.
The scene happening before him only seemed like a dream in which all his greatest fears were united. The worst kind of nightmare you never wanted to experience. In which you could feel your heart beating clearly against your chest and the sweat of fear ran down your forehead. Except it wasn't a dream, as Akaashi might have hoped. Because then he would wake up in his bed and find out everything was just imagination.
But it was the bitter, ice-cold reality.
He couldn't say exactly what it was that didn't make him turn and run immediately, somewhere. He stood there where he had been the last minute, silent and processing. A low giggle here and a few mumbled words came to his ears, but nobody seemed to notice Akaashi. He stood there like an invisible shadow, unable to move and heart beating hard against his chest as it slowly broke in two at the same time.
It had been a terrible day and after a terrible day Akaashi had longed for the cheerful grin that would light up his dark world like a star in the dark. That even Akaashi would put a smile on his face, no matter how depressed or tired he was. That grin, along with the relaxed look and bright eyes, had always helped and given him a sense of security when he hadn't known what to do.
And all of a sudden that grin and the shining expression in his eyes he loved so much was no longer for him.
Akaashi's mouth opened and closed again, but any words he tried to say simply stopped before they left his tongue. Suddenly his thoughts raced through his head so quickly that he couldn't follow what he was thinking. Did he do something wrong? It couldn't be because Akaashi always wanted the best and gave the best, how - did he? Or was there something that had made him less amiable?
But a word came up over and over again.
Why.
As if lightning had struck, a pair of dark eyes met Akaashi's. At first slightly foggy, then wide open as if he was realizing something - presumably that Akaashi was standing there and caught them in the act. An urgent Bokuto, stop followed by a shit man! Stop that immediately! As if that wasn't bad enough, a pair of bright eyes jumped in his direction.
They looked at him in surprise, and with a delay of a few seconds they widened and the person Akaashi thought he couldn't be disappointed in stammered: "K-Kaashi, what are you doing here? I-I thought you were ...” Bokuto's eyes slid to the work bag that hung around Akaashi's shoulder. His mouth opened again, but no matter what he wanted to say, no sound came out.
Akaashi wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it.
Because the only thing he could think of and saw in his mind's eye was the person he loved the most, cheating on him with his own teammate - and obviously in the middle of the hall in the big gym where they already had shared many memories together. Of all the places.
He had wanted to rage, screaming loudly until he couldn't and his lungs literally screamed for air. He wanted to hit him, let his rage run like never before in his life. Roar at him more until not only his lungs failed due to lack of oxygen, but also his voice. He had wanted to cry until his eyes were swollen red and he couldn't see, like a blind man staggering around, hoping to see a bright ray of light somewhere in the dark on the horizon.
Because at that moment he realized he had lost it.
His star in the darkness.
And he didn't know why.
But he decided against it. It turned out to be harder than expected to keep a motionless face, but somehow Akaashi managed to escape the bright eyes, turn around and slowly take one step at a time. He heard his name several times, calls that tried to reach him. The squeak of sneakers on linoleum, even more voices. But with every step Akaashi took, he also became faster. Maybe he bumped into a few people when he went out and felt angry looks, but he didn't care.
Cold air hit him as he pushed open the door.
"Akaashi!"
Yet again.
"Keiji, I can explain!"
Not a second later he felt how he tried to reach for his hand to keep him from going further. As if it clicked in his head, Akaashi couldn't stop what would happen next. Even before he was completely turned towards the other, he reached out with his free fist and punched him in the face.
Akaashi didn't have a blow like Bokuto himself or anyone else he knew. Maybe that was because he was never the guy who handed out, but the guy who accepted. He had also started to prefer the couch instead of the gym after work, unlike Bokuto. But the strength of his fist was enough for Bokuto to stagger backwards and touch his nose, from which blood was dripping slowly.
"Don't touch me," Akaashi heard himself say.
Bokuto stared at his hand, which was filled with drops of blood, for a moment, and then at Akaashi, to really realize that he had been punched by him in his face. Of all the people in this world who would be least thought of.
But if Akaashi had thought it would be a simple punch, a bleeding nose, and a threat, he was wrong. Bokuto reached for his hand again, blood dripped on Akaashi's arm. He heard him say in a pleading voice, "Please, let me explain-"
"I think I've seen enough to save myself an explanation."
Sometimes Akaashi himself didn't know how to stay calm and composed, even if he wanted to scream and rage.
And at that moment he wanted it so badly.
"K-Kaashi, please forgive me! You ... you've always forgiven me for everything else. I'll think of getting all the stuff you write on the shopping list for me, and I'll come home earlier and I'll go with you to this book presentation that you'd like to go into, and I'll also bring out the trash for the next ten years and-“ Bokuto didn't stop talking, but continued to stutter, gazing at the floor, his cheeks flushed from the cold. His hair was sticking to the side, sweaty, and Akaashi was sure that if he was out in the cold for a few minutes longer, he would wake up tomorrow morning with a cold.
Akaashi put an end to this. "You're not serious, are you? Forgetting to take out the garbage or not reading through the shopping list and then forgetting half of it is not even comparable with what you just did! - and the fact that you still remember this book presentation I once told you about makes it all much worse!” Bokuto winced slightly at the unusual volume of his voice.
With a quick wave of his hand, Akaashi wiped the tear from his cheek that he had been unable to suppress. "I just don't understand why! I ... gave you everything I had! My trust, my love and my heart. W-Wasn't that enough? A-Am I not enough?” He couldn't quite avoid breaking his voice towards the end, but it didn't matter anymore.
"O-Of course you are-"
"Then tell me why!"
A few passers-by turned in their direction, their eyes curiously directed at them.
"Kaashi ..." Bokuto tried to grab his arm, but Akaashi pulled him away before his fingers could reach his arm. "No, don't touch me. Never again.” When he thought about where Bokuto's hands were, it was like Akaashi’s blood ran cold and it felt like he was going to throw up in the next bush at any moment.
"I know I hurt you. A-And I know nothing I can say will change the past. But ... I'm hoping you'll forgive me in the end. I'm hoping I can make this right.” Bokuto spoke softly so that Akaashi almost didn't understand him. He looked at him for a moment, then shook his head: "I don't think even time would make me forgive you at some point." And at that, Bokuto started to tear, but Akaashi didn't care. Didn't want to care - he did it secretly, because secretly he wanted to hug him, say that everything would be fine and there was no reason to cry.
But he couldn't and didn't want to.
So, he turned - and left.
And this time no steps followed him.