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“So, you’re unmarried, are not in a relationship, have a highly demanding job- one that puts you in significant danger daily, and you’re absolutely positive you want to adopt?”
Sam Baas nodded vigorously. He needed to show he was passionate about this, couldn’t leave a second of doubt in there or this would all be for nothing.
The lady across the desk gave him a long stare like, she could read deep into his soul. It almost sent a shiver down his spine at the intensity. Every second felt like an eternity as she deliberated.
“You seem like a good man, Officer Baas, but I’m just not sure that parenting is for you right at this moment. I know you’ve been putting a lot of work into this, and I can see that you’re committed, but I’m worried about the circumstances. I don’t want to put any kid into a situation where they won’t be able to thrive, I’m sure you understand.”
Baas' heart sunk. “Please, you gotta understand,” he pleaded. “I know I’m not the conventional parent, but I would love that kid more than two parents ever could!”
Ever since he had graduated police academy, Baas knew deep in his heart that he wanted to be a father. He didn’t really fit with the stereotype, he hadn’t spent a lot of time with kids or felt an instant connection with them, or this primal urge to be a father, but he had seen so much pain and suffering in the world. He had seen children who had lost their parents, whether it be to gang violence, drugs, crime, or just death. He had seen the harsh realities of the world, he knew that crime rates only increased for those in foster care, the way that some are forced to turn to a life of crime to survive.
He just wasn’t content to sit back and let that happen. Above everything else, Sam Baas craved justice. But sometimes it wasn’t enough to be there after something bad had already happened. Sometimes all it took was a helping hand to stop everything before anyone got hurt.
The lady sighed, taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes. “Mr. Baas, you need to understand that there are tons of parents out there just waiting to adopt a kid, ones who have steady reliable jobs, a good support structure, and a conventional family. I know you feel like you could do this on your own, but you need to understand we can’t just hand you a baby and let you be on your way.”
“I get that, but I know for a fact that there are kids out there who people won’t adopt! Those are the ones who need it the most.”
“You want a kid with psychological damage who may never fully trust an adult or even care about you?”
“Does that matter?”
She gave him another cold hard stare before nodding her head. He let out a non-existent breath. It felt like every word here had to be telegraphed so carefully, and Baas wasn’t always the greatest with words and expressing his feelings, so this was conversation on extreme hard mode.
She shuffled her papers around, looking through them and then typing a few things into her computer, seeming to take entirely too long looking things over. “Okay, Mr. Baas. I can tell that this is something you have put your whole heart and soul into, and I respect that, I really do. I’ve seen a lot of people come through here and not have the same dedication you do. There are a few things I worry about like your job and your living situation, but… for what I am thinking about, it may actually work out. I was reluctant to bring it up because she is such a hard case and I thought she might be better just going through foster care if the right parent didn’t come up, but… There is a kid.”
Baas’ eyes widened. He had almost abandoned all hope of ever getting through this, but there was someone out there who he could be right for? Who cared if it was a hard case, immediately Baas swore that whoever this kid was, he was going to make it work. He hadn’t put in all this effort just for it to fall through at the last moment! Sam Baas was not someone who gave up when the going got tough. This is what he wanted!
“She has been in foster care since she was around five years old. She is terrified of adults. From what we can piece together, her parents neglected and abused her, and the only reason it stopped was because of a freak accident fire that ended up scarring her hands and ears badly, and killing her parents. She was picked up off the scene by officers completely traumatized, and shows some signs of PTSD now, although she has never been diagnosed. She is now ten years old, and has not warmed up to anyone. It seems she only trusts animals now.”
Baas perked up, having been lost in thought as she went through the information. “I have a dog! Her name is Justice, she’s a golden retriever mix!”
The lady raised a pleased eyebrow. “I know, you wrote it on your forms. You’ve already told us everything about yourself, Mr. Baas. And normally, what you’ve given us would have never been enough, but this is far from a normal case. You work long hours. Tessa has proven herself to already be self sufficient and not wanting others to do things for her. I believe a house where she doesn’t always have to be in the presence of an adult would be better for her, allow her time to get used to things slowly. Especially in a house that doesn’t even remotely resemble the one she had before.”
Baas nodded. He could do that. He could give her all the space she needed, and he’d be there for her when she needed it. He understood wanting to be self sufficient, even if she was so young. When no one is ever there for you, you just feel the need to do things on your own, because who knows when the next person will leave? Baas wanted to break that cycle.
“Can I meet her?” He asked, hope on the edge of his voice.
“Yes. She has to want to be adopted by you, otherwise we will not go through with this. This will be entirely her choice.”
He nodded vigorously. “Of course!” He would make sure that their first meeting would be the best it could possibly be, and she would have no doubt about coming home with him! A smile stretched across his face. He was going to be a dad!
---
Meeting Tessa was a lot more complicated than he had anticipated. He thought he had already gotten all the paperwork done before, but apparently that wasn’t enough and he needed more and more, which took lots and lots of waiting. He spent most of his days trying to forget the anxiety of possibly getting to meet his soon-to-be daughter by focusing all his attention into police work. It wasn’t hard to do given there was always something happening, always another bad guy to catch, but it still didn’t stop the anxious jittery feeling he got whenever he thought that it might be the day he’d finally get the okay to meet Tessa.
After an excruciatingly long time- which in all honesty was only a few weeks- finally he got the okay. He called off from work immediately, dropping everything he was doing and trying to stop his heart from beating out of his chest as he grabbed everything he was planning to bring.
He got to the orphanage as fast as he could, which wasn’t very fast given he wasn't in a police car and couldn’t just flash his lights to go at whatever speed he wanted and ignore traffic signals. He had to wait and stew in the fear that Tessa would just outright reject him the second he walked in the door. There was a chance, given he was an intimidating, muscular man at first glance, probably not helped by the fact that he had already gone bald at a young age. Any kid would probably find him a bit scary. However, he had an ace up his sleeve.
“Justice!” Baas coaxed the dog out of the car once he parked, pulling lightly on her leash to get her to jump down and follow him to the front door, where an unamused lady was standing, smoking a cigarette without a care in the world.
“Hi, Sam Baas, here to meet Tessa?”
“Yeah sure. She’s in the back.” The lady motioned her head to the door, not seeming to really care. Baas frowned, but didn’t think it was his place to comment. Besides, getting to Tessa was most important right now.
Sure enough, when he traversed through the halls and made his way to the back room, there were quite a few kids there, all playing with different toys, some squabbling, some dressing up, some just sitting around. None of them seemed to take much notice of him, going about their own devices as he stood in the door, scanning the room for Tessa.
There she was. A flash of red hair, sitting in the corner. She was holding a stuffed animal, her hands covered by gloves and her expression downcast.
Baas took a deep breath, leading Justice over to her. She looked up, and he could see a flash of fear in her eyes before she caught sight of Justice. The dog immediately jumped up, nearly barreling her down to start licking her in her own friendly way of giving kisses. Baas quickly pulled back, trying not to let the dog trample his potential kid and ruin everything. However, Tessa didn’t seem to care. In fact, Justice seemed to calm down after just a few hushed words from her and a few pets.
Baas smiling, kneeling down. “Her name is Justice,” he said softly.
Tessa looked at him for a second before looking away, burying her head in the dog’s fur.
“She’s very nice, isn’t she? She’s a golden retriever mix. I picked her up from the shelter when she was just two years old, she’s been with me ever since I started living on my own. We’ve been through thick and thin, me and her.” He didn’t know what he was really going on about, but he felt like he needed to keep talking just so that he wasn’t looming over the kid menacingly not saying anything.
“She likes you?” Tessa asked, her voice so, so soft.
“She’s my best friend. Isn’t that right, Justice?” The dog turned and licked his face, causing him to laugh and Tessa to giggle. “I brought her because I heard you like animals.”
“...Aminals are my friends.”
“Oh? That’s cool. I don’t know much about animals other than Miss Justice over here. Do you?” She nodded. “Well maybe you can teach me. I’d like to learn more if you wanted to.” She looked away, seeming to shrink in on herself more. Baas cursed silently. “That’s only if you want,” he scrambled quickly. “I just think it’d be nice to learn more about something you care about. I know I was talking on and on about myself, I’m sure you’d like to talk about the things you’re interested in.”
“You want to hear me talk about it?” She asked, voice soft. Baas nearly choked up, his heart hurting at just how unsure her voice sounded. Clearly she had never really been listened to before.
“Of course. I’m here to get to know you just as much as you’re getting to know me. I’m sure they told you I’m interested in adoption.” Tessa nodded. “I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything. This is your choice, if you feel more comfortable here, that’s okay.” Even if it would break his heart. “I just wanted to give a kid a chance. I know there might be few out there for a lot of kids in the system, I’ve seen it far too many times to count. As you can tell from this girl’s name-” he ruffled Justice’s fur- “the concept of justice is something I care about a lot.”
Tessa nodded, a contemplative look crossing her face. “Justice.” Her voice was just a tad lower. “Like, justice for the bad guys?”
“Yes! But also justice meaning good people getting good things. The world works in a cycle, and the people who are doing good should be rewarded just as much as the bad people punished.”
Those words seemed to connect with Tessa, the tension leaking from her shoulders slightly. Baas nearly let out a sigh of relief. His militant belief in policing and the idea of karma and such might be a bit much for some, but he was glad this kid at least understood. It was so important to him, because he wanted to believe everyone had the capacity for good, and if they did good then they would be rewarded at some point. He also wanted to believe that bad guys would always get what was coming to them in the end, because he had seen far too much hurt and suffering that they had caused, and he didn’t want to believe in a world where they could just get away with that. Maybe it was idealism, but that was what he strived for every day in his police work.
“It was really nice meeting you, Tessa. I think they’ll want us to get together a few more times before anything final, and this is still your choice, but I’d love to have you in my home. I might not be the most conventional dad, or have the most conventional home, but I think you’d like it there. I know I’d like you there.”
She smiled, and Baas’ heart nearly melted.
---
Sam Baas officially adopted Tessa Lamb on the 30th of August, right before school was going to start up for the year.
He had freaked out on the days leading up to it, buying everything he could to fill the house with and make sure that Tessa felt the most welcome she possibly could. He almost contemplated getting more animals just to seal the deal, but that was probably a bit excessive. He couldn’t help it, he just wanted the best for his daughter!
Thankfully, she seemed to really take a shine to it, and Baas could finally let out a breath when the last bit of paperwork was signed. He was finally a dad, just like he’d always wanted. No more red tape, no more jumping through hoops to try and get a single chance at saving a kid from the cruel world, no more worried nights thinking it was all going to be pointless. Sam Baas was a dad, and a dad to the most sweet, cutest girl in the world.
Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. He never had any illusions about that. He was grilled constantly before it happened about how to treat Tessa, how she was different than other kids. She suffered from severe abuse, neglected for most of her childhood. She was going to be scarred from that, and Baas understood that.
Mostly, it came in the little things. How she was afraid to as for things, her hands shaking whenever she got up the courage. Her tendency to hide away, making herself scarce for the most part when she could, usually with Justice by her side. When she was around Baas, there was always a fear that he had to be slowly chipping away it, convincing her that he wasn’t going to hurt her, or Justice. She always seemed to freeze up when he got close to Justice, like she was just waiting for him to hurt the dog, even though she knew that he cared about Justice almost as much as he did for her. Obviously Baas knew that he couldn’t take these things to heart, but it still hurt him to know that she didn’t trust him as much as he wanted her to after everything he’d done to try to prove it.
Over time though, the fear faded. The days got easier and he was able to see more of Tessa’s authentic personality shine through over the fear that she usually had. She really was the sweetest girl, so caring and kind and just a shining beacon of innocence. It was something Baas hadn’t even realized he needed after seeing so much of the dark and dreary side of the world.
As the days passed by, Baas felt more and more lucky that he had managed to adopt Tessa and get a chance to see her really grow and find her place. He wasn’t around as much as he’d have liked to be, with his job taking up so much time, but the moments he did find with her when he came home from a hard day at work made it all worth it. It seemed Tessa enjoyed the space as well, just like the social worker said. She was very independent and far more likely to take matters into her own hands than any ten year old Baas had seen. It didn’t speak good things about her past, but it did at least show that she wasn’t going to let it get her down and prevent her from finding happiness in her own ways.
Still, Baas tried his hardest to not put too much pressure on her, and just let her be her own person. Perhaps that might make him seem like a slight dead beat dad, but he really did not want to be just another person in her life trying to control her, and letting her have her space just seemed like the best option he had.
Maybe he wasn’t the best dad in existence, but he liked to think he was the kind of dad that Tessa needed in that moment, and he was happy about that. And when Tessa smiled, it made it seem like everything was right in the world, and he truly was doing the right thing.
---
Tessa Lamb had been in Baas’ home for six months when she finally felt comfortable letting him into her room at night to tuck her in and tell her goodnight It was an honor, since she had always hidden away in her room when she wanted to feel safe, and being let into that bubble of protection was a huge step in her trust of Baas. He was determined to not mess it up, not when he had gotten this far, yet he never could have been prepared for that first night.
“Can you… sing me the worm song?” Tessa buried her head under the covers, looking far too embarrassed for a kid just asking for a lullaby.
“The… worm song?” Baas parroted.
“Yeah. My mother used to sing it to me when I asked for a lullaby…”
Baas rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’m afraid I’ve never heard that one before. Why don’t you sing it to me?”
That was quite possibly the worst thing Baas could have said. Not because anything horrible happened, but because she actually began singing, and what came out of her mouth chilled him down to the bone.
The lyrics themselves weren’t horrible. Baas had heard far worse before, and a little diddy about worms eating rotten corpses wasn’t enough to bother him. What did bother him was that it was coming from this ten year old’s mouth.
Her mother had sung this song. She had sung her daughter this song when she was five years old or maybe younger, and it had stuck with Tessa so much that she remembered it five years later. She shouldn’t have heard about this stuff, not that young, and not from her horrible mother who obviously didn’t care about her.
She was far too comfortable with death, that much was clear. It was to be expected given she literally watched her parents die, but also terribly unsettling. Despite seeming so sweet and innocent, Baas had to remember that she had seen far more than any kid her age should have ever seen. She just was able to hide it far better than anyone would have expected.
“Your mother sang you that song?” He asked when she had finished, trying to keep any sign of accusation off his face. He was not going to ruin this, even if the song was entirely too disturbing for him to hear from her.
“Yeah… She said her mom sung it to her, and her mom to her. She’d sing it to me when she wasn’t drinking some nights. It never happened near the end, she was always drinking then. I missed those days...”
All the tension inside Baas died as she spoke.. Maybe it wasn’t his place to taint this memory. If it was one of the few good ones she had of her mother, he didn’t want to tell her that the song might be a little bit much. She deserved to at least have something to remember back on that wasn’t filled with fear or pain or just general negligence. If her mom cared even a little bit to sing her a song passed through their family, maybe that was something worth remembering.
“Well, this old man’s voice isn’t nearly as good as yours, Tessa,” Baas joked. “I don’t think you’d want to hear me sing that. I’m practically tone deaf. I’d probably ruin the song with how bad I am.” Tessa giggled. “Why don’t I just tell you a story, okay? You can hear about all the bad guys I’ve brought to justice!”
His voice really wasn’t that bad, but he couldn’t bring himself to sing the song. He convinced himself it was just because he didn’t want to override the memory she had with her mother, but really he just didn’t want to perpetuate the cycle. Tessa deserved to only hear about good things, positive things, one that didn’t just serve to remind her about the inevitability of death.
So, he created a routine of telling her stories every night before she went to bed. Tales of his daring pursuits of dastardly criminals, of stopping bank robberies before they even happened, of serving justice to the entire city! These were new memories, ones that Tessa could cherish and remember more than the bad ones, of fire and death and neglect.
And it all paid off. One night, as Baas had finished telling his story and was shutting off the light, just about a year since he’d officially adopted her, he heard Tessa let out a sigh of contentment as she snuggled into her bed, and turned back just in time to hear her say something.
“Thanks, Dad,” she mumbled sleepily.
Baas took a deep shaky breath.
She had never called him Dad before.
He closed the door behind him, stumbling to his room to hide the tears in his eyes and the smile on his face. Dad.
Baas was a dad.
---
Justice died when Tessa was 14 years old. She’d had a good three years with her, but the golden retriever mix was already old when Baas had introduced them. It would be cruel to let her go on longer when she was in pain.
After that, Tessa completely shut down. It was like she was back to how she was when he first adopted her. Like she was convinced everyone she loved would leave her, and Baas really had no rebuttal for that. He wouldn’t leave her willingly, but his job was dangerous. He had no guarantees that he wouldn’t die on the job one day, leaving her behind like everyone else, and he didn’t want to lie to her about that.
A lot of times recently he felt like his job kept him from truly connecting with Tessa on the level he wanted. There was always the lingering guilt, nagging at him that he was selfish for adopting her when he wasn’t even secure of his own life. He had long hours, nights where Tessa would have to figure out what to eat on her own, go to sleep by herself without a bedtime story, days where the only conversations they’d have would just be small talk because he was either too tired or too busy catching up on paperwork. Tessa never seemed to mind outwardly, but Baas knew that she wasn’t one to air out her grievances. She bottled things up inside, and that was probably even worse.
There wasn’t much Baas could do about it though. He tried, he really did, and yet he felt like Tessa was pulling away too. Like there was something deep inside of her that was putting up a wall, and Justice’s death had only exacerbated that.
She had told him about Maisy before. How she died before the fire. How the dog was her only friend, and her death had broken her. Justice’s death must have felt like everything was repeating again, like she was being punished by the universe for some reason.
No matter how much Baas wanted to help Tessa be happy and put all that behind her, it seemed like that part of her life was never going to go away. It was hard coded into the things she did, in the way she reacted to things even today. He didn’t know how to help with that.
Instead, he just watched as Tessa pulled away further, hoping that he might be able to offer her a helping hand but knowing that he couldn’t push it because it’d only make things worse. So he continued on, knowing that their relationship would never be the same as when she was just a little girl, desperately wanting a family.
“I love you Tessa, you know that, right?”
“Of course Dad.”
“It’ll be okay, alright? We’ll get through this.”
“Yeah.”
Her voice was low, carrying a different tone to it than it usually did. Monotonous, you might say.
“Justice knew you loved her, and she had the greatest last few years of her life thanks to you. You made her happier than even I could.”
Tessa didn’t say anything, leaving Baas floundering for something to say.
“We could get a new puppy?” Oh god why did he say that, why was he such an idiot?
Tessa walked away.
Baas frowned, looking down at Justice’s grave. He was such a deadbeat dad.
---
Tessa was 16 years old when he caught her sneaking into the house splattered with blood.
Baas closed his eyes quickly, pretending to be asleep on the couch, much like he usually was on days like this. The smell was still unmistakable. He had encountered it far too many times on the job to not know what it was like.
He listened to her go up the stairs, down the hall until she reached the bathroom. Listened to the sound of water hitting the shower floor and quieting as she stepped in, all the while not moving a muscle.
If she had gotten into a fight, or went out of her way to take out some anger on someone or something, or had accidentally hurt herself, obviously she didn’t want him to know. She was far too independent for him to have any right butting in. Not when he was a deadbeat dad.
Tessa was too kind. Too sweet. Too nice and caring and loving for someone hurt by the world so much. Yet he had seen things hiding underneath. Things boiling under the surface, ready to spill over. No one could be like Tessa without needing some way to get it out. He understood this. Maybe a little too well.
He had seen her grow up, had seen the part of her that desperately didn’t want to be seen but was raging against the world. The part of her that spat disgust when she talked about her parents. The part that closed herself off when Justice died. The part that wanted true justice, just like him.
Both of them had a need to see justice in this world, and they both knew how much it hurt when that never came. They had seen it happen far too many times, the bad people getting away with nothing happening to them, and the world moving on like nothing was wrong. If she needed to let out some steam, that was her own decision.
And maybe he was too close to Tessa to be impartial. Maybe he believe in the idea of hands off parenting a little too much. Maybe he was just naive. Or maybe he just cared about her too much.
Because Sam Baas loved justice, but more than that, he loved his daughter.