Work Text:
Why.
Jesse sat there on the floor of Joey’s room, curled up against the side of his bed with his shoulders shaking as he struggled to breathe.
10 years ago, he’d been just a kid.
He hadn’t known that it was possible for just one person to feel sadness like this. He’d expected it to get better as the years went on, but each year, every single time this date came around, he was a wreck. He knew it, too. He knew that he shouldn’t still be feeling this way. It’d been so, so long, 10 years now, and he didn’t even know her that well.
Obviously, the first fifteen years they’d been very close. But then she’d grown up and left him for college, he’d never really bothered to reconnect with her. He’d felt she was pushing him away. A little part of him knew deep down that she wasn’t, it was what she had to do, a part of growing up. But as Pam came home with her college friends to visit, each time a little bit more of their relationship would deteriorate in his eyes. She brought home a friend who played guitar. He felt replaced. She brought home a friend who hated Elvis. He felt betrayed. She brought home a friend who hated Jesse. That’s when the last straw had broken. Pam had talked to him, tried to explain that just because her friend didn’t like him didn’t mean that she didn’t, but he wouldn’t hear it. He felt that college had changed her, and the Pam he’d once knew was gone forever.
She’d married Danny, and Jesse went to the wedding, but didn’t stay for the reception. He just felt out of place, after pushing her away for all those years, he didn’t understand why now she had chosen to reconnect with him.
He’d been invited to go see Pam and Danny’s new baby. He’d went, and he’d thought she was fine. Just another baby, really. The other two were the same. It wasn’t until after… after it happened, that he’d really fallen in love with her kids.
In their eyes, their smiles, the way Stephanie walked, the way DJ laughed or Michelle held her fork or just the simplest things, like how DJ always had to brush her teeth the second she woke up before doing anything else or how Stephanie blinked a lot when she was nervous, he would see her. But not the Pam he’d lost, not the Pam he’d lost 10 years ago. The younger Pam, the one he’d loved, cherished, the sister to him who was more than that, a second mom. His best friend. His other half.
Wiping his nose on Joey’s blanket, he laughed as he thought back to when he was young. He’d promised himself that he’d never get married, because the spot in his heart of ‘other half’ was already taken by Pam. He knew he’d never find a person that understood him the way she did. As kids, there had been no one that he’d want to hang out with more than her. Even with the five year age gap, they were inseparable, the best of friends.
After he’d ended their friendship when she hit college, he’d started going out with any girl that he could find. Figured it was better that way, he still knew that no one would ever measure up to the friendship he’d used to have with her.
As he got older, he realized that maybe he wasn’t entirely correct. Pete became very close to him, filling the void of a sibling Jesse had pushed away. He figured that if a friend could be this nice, maybe he could find someone else to fill the void. Or maybe he could even bring back his friendship with Pam.
Then it had happened.
He didn’t really process the news at first, kind of just pushed it away. It had grown harder and harder each year, the secret tears growing more and more. And that’s how he now found himself sitting on Joey’s bedroom floor, with no one else in the house, no one but him, broken down and crying. He didn’t know what to do, there was nothing he could do to fix it.
Sniffling, he slid back until he was lying on the floor, looking at the ceiling, so the tears covered his whole eyes and slipped out at the sides. He couldn’t handle anything else going down, he wouldn’t let them run down his face. He needed to go up, this stupid downward spiral made no sense at all. It’d been 10 years, these types of things are supposed to get better with time. You’re supposed to have happy memories, not feel this depressed hollowness.
Closing his eyes, he heard the slam of the front door, followed by the climbing of stairs and footsteps approaching. He knew he could never show himself to anyone this way. Even Becky didn’t know, she thought he was fine. He knew Danny wouldn’t be doing too good today, on the tenth anniversary of the crash, and the last thing he wanted was to have to suck it up and go wipe away tears from his brother-in-law or nieces.
As the footsteps stopped at the doorway, he cracked open his eyes, staring emptily at the ceiling.
“Jess?”
He turned his head a little bit, seeing Joey standing there. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t, but part of him whispered to try.
Putting on a smile he knew looked broken, he mumbled, “Joseph.”
Joey’s face was anything but happy. But it wasn’t pitiful either, or scorning, like Jesse had been expecting. No, all he saw through his tears was Joey, just his old pal Joey, standing there with open arms.
Jesse knew no one would ever replace her. But if anyone was able to come close, anyone at all, it would be him. Joey sat down against his bed, no questions asked as to why Jesse was in his room. They both already knew. Jesse needed him, needed the one guy he knew would be there for him though anything.
As Joey pulled Jesse close and hugged him tight, any facade of happiness was lost. Jesse knew that he didn’t care, that he was there for him. That he loved him. And he knew that no matter what, no matter how many more years he’d go on, Joey would always be his shoulder to cry on.