Work Text:
Sometimes, Love Is Not Enough
by: frost2light
We judge one another, this is a fact. First looks, then personality or character. It follows this sequence pretty much every time. As a doctor, Min Yoongi has seen pretty much everything, the good, the bad, the worst and some unmentionables. It was experiences that had shaped and whittled down his optimism about people. It would not be too hard to say that he has grown apathetic. Nothing much surprised him and his droll expression served him well. Wailing patients, Yoongi would be the first to be called. Complaining irritating bastards? Dr Min would be the first to cut them down to size with his scathing, caustic remarks. These patients suited him fine. They left no marks and would never be able to breach the thick amour that he surrounded himself with.
There had been one. A long time ago. He still remembered that windshield laugh. The annoyingly endearing lame jokes that he used to crack. They had shared thoughts over beer (beer is a type of alcohol, so that counts as disinfectant right?) told each other stories of their lives, even contemplated sharing a dream together. But the latter was something that Yoongi would never admit to anyone. They had been young and they had been too eager to experience life to settle down.
“Excuse me, Dr Min?” A knock derailed Yoongi’s thoughts, the head that popped in further dispelled whatever that had been knocking around in his head.
“Yes, Nurse Kim?”
“Your next patient is here. This is his record. Should I do as usual? Five minutes and then enter?”
Yoongi nodded absentmindedly, his eyes scanning the report in front of him, mind processing the details, but suddenly, everything stilled. He flipped through the report to the front, to where the patient’s name was.
Kim Seok Jin.
Yoongi shook his head. Took off his spectacles. Rubbed his eyes. Wore them back again. Blinked. Reread the name. Once, twice, another one more time. But it did not change.
“Maybe it is a different person.” He mumbled. He did not expect a reply.
“No. it’s the same, Yoongichi.” Kim Seokjin had arrived, half his face obscured by the mask that he was wearing, and the eyes, when Yoongi looked up, were the same pair that had looked at him all those years ago.
“Hello, Yoongichi. It seems that you have successfully owned your dreams, Dr Min.”
--
What happened to him? Yoongi kept his face impassive but Seokjin could feel the burning heat of his curiosity. His fingers were gentle and firm, prodding and checking with brisk efficiency, calming Seokjin’s nerves with its competency. Seokjin particularly hated doctors who either prodded too lightly as if he were contagious, or those who were super rough and without any compassion. He dreaded even more the ones who prattled on incessantly, pretending that everything was fine.
“I was unlucky.” Seokjin said, breaking the silence. Yoongi looked up and his eyes scanned Jin’s, nodding once to acknowledge that he had heard before going back to the task on hand. Internally, Jin smiled. This was what he liked about Yoongi, blunt to a fault, never expending much energy in giving useless platitudes.
After a few more minutes of careful observation, Yoongi seemed satisfied. “Everything seems to be healing well enough.” He said simply, stripping the gloves from his hands and disposing them into the bin beside his table. Turning towards the screen, Jin watched him type up his report with fast efficient keystrokes and hitting the SEND button on the screen, ending his session with a single click of the mouse.
“You can head towards the pharmacy after this.” The conversation fizzing off because business aside, Yoongi was unsure how to proceed after. He looked as if he wanted to say more, but was unsure how and what was considered appropriate. Jin was not surprised, they had not seen each other for quite some time, and neither had kept in contact. It was not unusual for friends to turn into strangers, and they were strangers now. Much less he was now this. If they had met on the street, when Jin was whole, perhaps it would be easier.
Then again, Jin has never been one to sweat the details, he broke the silence that was bordering on awkward and said“Yoongi ah.. I, uhmm, stay here now, perhaps we could catch up some time?”
Smiling, Yoongi looked at Jin, his eyes never once straying towards the imperfection, “Sure. That be nice.”
--
And it was a new start.
Undeniably, they were more matured now, there were, without a doubt, things that had changed, new sensibilities, patterns or even quirks, but fundamentally, where it mattered, they had not. It was a novel experience, finding and molding their friendship into something better, Yoonjin version 2.0.
“So how did it happen?” Yoongi gestured towards Jin’s face.
“I was unlucky.”
“And?”
“Well, the end result is quite evident no?” Jin snarked. He had come to terms with his disfigurement, but it did not mean that there was not still a part of him that hated, that hurt.
In the past, people remembered him because of his looks, men and women alike. Living in a society that prized beauty more than anything, Jin was a realist. Having looks like his had opened many doors and he was not above using them to get what he want. Now, he had people avoiding him like he was infectious, while those who did not avoid him pitied him. Pretended in their high pitched uncomfortable speech that he was normal. That what they saw now would not give them nightmares.
“Don’t be stupid. I am asking how you were unlucky.”
“Frankly, after it happened, I could not believe the absurdity of it. It was a fight between a couple, the man had been cheating behind the wife’s back, they had been walking together, the husband and his new flame, and the wife had ran up with a bottle in her hand, shouting, screaming before unscrewing the bottle and flinging it’s contents towards the unsuspecting pair. I had been a few steps away, had I been walking faster, or slower…” Jin shrugged, trying to nonchalant about the whole thing.
Pain.
That had been the only thing in Jin’s mind at that moment. The moment the liquid had touched him, he had been engulfed in a flame of it.
Burning, burning and burning.
Relentlessly.
He had heard a high pitch keening wail, he had not known it then, but thinking back, it came from him, that pitiful animalistic keen as he writhed on the floor, covered in his own melted flesh and blood.
Forcefully pulling himself out of that nightmarish memories, Jin refocused on what Yoongi was saying.
“But that doesn’t explain this.” Yoongi waved at his features, he was like a dog with a bone, unwilling to let the whole situation go before he understood.
“Someone pushed me into the fray. I was standing in front of the woman when she flung it all out.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah.. “
“So now that you know.. can we change the subject?”
“Sorry.”
“No you are not, not really.” Jin said, his tone wry. If it was someone else, he would have walked off and never spoke to that person again, but, this was Yoongi, and Yoongi never meant to be mean, he was just curious, had always been that way.
But talking about the past left a foul taste in his mouth. Jin had worked hard to try to return normalcy back into his life. The first few weeks after he was discharged from the hospital, he had not even dared to look at himself in the mirror. He had in the end, and nearly killed himself. He had never been suicidal, but looking at his face, he had despaired. How would he be able to go on like this?
Should I kill myself? These words had been a mantra whenever he got out of bed. Hiding away behind masks to prevent people from looking, from knowing. Walking only in the dark. Shopping online. Online deliveries. He had tried to cut himself out of everything. Naively, he had thought things would get better, there were ways for him to “blend” in, to survive. But, reality always hits and it would hit where it hurts most.
Money.
If he did not work. He did not eat. Funds were tight. His parents were giving him whatever he needed, but he did not feel right. He was still a functional adult, a disfigured one yes, but still physically sound. He had no reason to keep depending on them, and they were not getting any younger. When they retired in a few years, how in the world would they be able to sustain themselves, and him?
Jin had been studying to become an actor and the year that the accident happened was thankfully, his last and nearing the end. He had merely needed to take whatever tests left so that he could graduate. Though, in hindsight, Jin did not know why he bothered. Nobody would want him now. Unless it was for a monster role. He would need no special effects to be a monster. Nope.
Once again, he had contemplated in front of the bottle of pills to just be done with it, but, he had hesitated too long and knew then, he would never be able to die just like that. Not that he was a coward, he was. But he just felt that it was unfair for him to be the one dying. And so, he just took whatever he could, day by day.
One step at a time.
So now, he sings and he writes. Putting in his rage, his sadness, his small flame of hope, his songs conveyed disdain for the daily grind but always there was a pinch of lingering want in those melodies, catching the listener’s imagination. His written works created monsters and heroes; beautiful maidens and handsome faces that worked through their issues and had a good ending. Fairytales that he occasionally allowed himself to want, but knows, without a doubt, that it might never come at all.
--
Yoongi and Jin went about their lives as usual, occasionally meeting up during the weekends and slowly getting to know each other more. One night, when they were more drunk than usual, Yoongi had clambered unto him and with heavily tinged alcohol breath kissed him full on the mouth. What happened after was sex so glorious that when both woke up, they had no time for regrets.
Since having his face destroyed, Jin was happy. Morning cuddles and taking turns cooking breakfast. Doing laundry together or shopping for groceries. Choosing between strawberry scented shampoo and fighting over the rights for the television controller. It had been all so simple. A second chance at love with someone who knew him for him, he could not have asked for more. With domesticity lulling him into a haze of happy, he forgot that bad things still do happen.
And when it does happen, it just strips you away.
--
“Jin, I won’t be coming home for dinner today.”
“Oh? Something came up at the hospital?”
“Yeah, some fund raising event that I had been called to attend. I tried my best to get out of it, but the boss had been adamant.” Yoongi had groused over the line.
“Do you have anything that you can wear?”
“That’s the reason why I am calling. Do you think you could help me choose something I can use and send it over to me?”
“Sure, Yoongi-chi. I’ll make sure you look like a penguin” Jin had teased over the line to Yoongi’s fond chuckles. The conversation had been short but sweet and neither had thought much about it.
Who would have thought that it was the start of the end?
--
“Jin, I’m sorry..”
“Another event you have to go to?”
“Yeah..”
“Ohh…” But, It’s our anniversary.. And for the first time in their relationship, Jin said nothing. Because there was nothing to say to broken promises and forgotten milestones.
--
In the end, Jin had been the one who confronted Yoongi about what was happening. It had been a year since the first dinner that Yoongi’s boss has insisted him to go and the start of their many other broken promises.
“Yoongi-chi, is there something you are not telling me?” Jin had started softly. He really did not want to bring this issue up, especially since it was the first time that they had in a year that they were both home and available.
Instead of getting defensive, Yoongi had sighed. He owed Jin an explanation. “Management is trying to groom me for a position as the head of department.”
“That’s good right? So why did you not mention it to me before?” Puzzled, Jin asked.
“The position is not here.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s for Seoul.”
“Oh.”
“It’s not confirmed as yet.”
“Are you sure Yoongi-chi?” I think you know its pretty much a slam dunk, all that is left now is formalities. It’s been a year since they started courting you. I don’t think they would pay you much attention for a year if you weren’t what they wanted.”
“Jin.. what do you want me to say?”
Say you’ll not accept the job, say you’ll stay.
--
Another week passed and this time, when Yoongi walked through the door, Jin knew.
“Congratulations.” He said quietly.
“Thanks.”
“When will you need to go?”
“I will need at least two weeks to be settled in before the start of the first day.”
“Which means you would need to be there by next week.”
“Yes.”
“I see.” Two words, uttered so softly and heartbrokenly.
“Seokjin..” Jin was just a mere few steps away, sitting on the couch, but it seemed like continents away.
“So is this goodbye?” Jin looks straight into Yoongi’s eyes, he would not allow lies to be the last thing they have of each other.
“No. It’s not.”
“But you don’t believe it isn’t. Is that why you have never spoken of it to me?” Jin countered as Yoongi looked away guiltily.
Jin waited, he knew Yoongi would say what was on his mind, and he did not disappoint. “Yes. Because, you do not want to leave, and I cannot afford to not.”
“You know I cannot.”
“No. I know you do not. There is a difference.”
“Tell me how to rebuild my life in a different place, a place where I have to get used to the stares, to the pointing figures and loud whispers. Don’t you think you are being too cruel, Dr Min?”
Yoongi looked away again because Jin was mostly right. He is being selfish. He wanted this promotion, and he wanted Jin by his side. He refused to think that it would not be possible. If Jin could do it once, he could do it again, it had been his mantra the whole time when he was debating with himself prior to telling Jin about his offer to a different hospital in a different state.
“This position is something I cannot pass up.”
Jin merely looked at Yoongi, his eyes sad, and replied, his voice resigned,” I know Yoongichi, but this is something I cannot do, no won’t do. It took too much of me, and I don’t have more in me to do it another time.”
“Not even with me by your side?”
“Not even with you by my side.”
“So, it is goodbye?”
“Let’s just leave it as it is, but tonight, just tonight, let us remember we are lovers. That we are the best things that have happened to us both.”
“All right, Hyung. All right.”
--
The next morning, Yoongi woke up as Jin slipped out of his bed. He could hear the rustles and the small sounds that Jin could not help but make when he prepared to leave. Yoongi had contemplated waking up and facing Jin, but he had always been a coward, and so he continued to fake sleep. He heard Jin approaching the bed, felt his lips as he kissed his forehead lightly, heard him say he was sorry and that he loved him, listened to the final click of the door as it closed behind him. Heard his heart breaking into a thousand pieces. And finally he heard his sobs as it welled up and out his throat.
When he finally climbed out bed, it was already past noon. He was thankful that it was a weekend and it was his off day. Catching sight of the envelope on his drawers, he reached out a tentative hand to touch it. He knew it was from Jin, what he did not know if he had the strength or the will to look at its contents. But in the end, he did. Because he loved, and he still did.
Dear Yoongi-chi,
By the time you read this letter, I am already gone. Back to where I had been before you came into my life. I am sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. I do not think I can, say goodbye to you, I mean. You know how defenseless I am against you. It would be too easy to yes and stay.
I will be happy where I am Yoongi-chi, living away from the big city, with those who are used to who I am right now. Away from your social standings, requirements and necessities to climb the corporate ladder. I opened my heart a year ago because I loved you and I wanted to make it work. It is not you Yoongi-chi, it is the whole situation. I thought I could do it, being brave, I kept telling myself, I climbed up once, I could do it again. But, it is too emotionally tiring and mentally exhausting. Its not something I want for me and you being you, knows this. I do not want to put you in the dilemma of choosing between me and your work, it is not fair, so I am taking that choice out of your hands.
I am sorry. I don’t need your apologies, your regret. This is where we part ways, but you can always come visit this old friend whenever you need to get away from the city, you know I will always welcome you,. Rural life suits me, and you can get away from the city to breathe once in awhile. Perhaps this was always how it should be.
I love you Yoongi-chi. And it will be better in the morning, I promise.
Your Jin for always.
It was inevitable, Yoongi knew. But, that did not mean he could not feel his heart breaking again with Jin’s words. Yoongi’s fingers tightened around the piece of paper that was the end of their relationship, and felt the tears gathering behind his closed eyelids again.
Swiping his hand roughly over his eyes, Yoongi willed them away, but they refused to stop, he pressed his hand harder over his eyes, taking in a huge breath to try to calm his emotions. He did not realize stepping back at all, till his back touched the wall. He slid down and tried to gulp down the sobs that threatened to burst out again, but one slipped out and the walls broke. Yoongi bawled like a young child, sobbing and gasping for air, one hand clutching his chest, one hand tight against the paper, he wanted his lover back, he wanted what he had back. He wanted, he needed, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t. Jin understood and that was why he left. Yoongi loved his job, loved being able to do what he is doing right now in the hospital. He had worked hard and tolled long to achieve this dream. He could not let it go, Jin understood and supported him. But Yoongi knew, with Jin’s past, his face, his wounds, the city that he would start anew is not as accommodating nor forgiving. In fact, it was downright cruel, the way people stood and stared, pointed and gossiped. Yoongi had been selfish, he had wanted to be the defensive wall against the whole world for Jin, but, he had never underestimated the capability of humans when they wanted to hurt.
It’ll be better in the morning, I promise.
That had been Jin’s words, even leaving, Jin did not forget to comfort Yoongi. He would have been crying too, his Jin-hyung. He would have walked all around their home, taking all their Knick knacks up and remembering.
“Yoongi-chi! Remember when we got this? It was in that alleyway wasn’t it? You were so afraid that we would get mugged. But, in fact all of them were so friendly right?
“Jin-hyung! I don’t think you should take those as souvenirs! I know we paid for the flight, but plastic forks?! Even if they are in the shape of cute airplanes.. what in the world will be do with them after this?!”
“OH MY GOD! Yoongi! Are you an idiot?! That is cat food! Not food for humans!”
That was how Jin-hyung is. Sentimental fool that he is. Knowing that, understanding that, Yoongi stood. How do you start alone in a journey that had been filled with twos?
One day at a time Yoongi-chi.
“All right hyung.. wait for me awhile. I’ll come back, I will.”
--