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Stairs metaphorically represent steps to your goal, dream, or whatever you wish to achieve in life. Sometimes there are many stairs, sometimes there are few stairs but the gap between each was huge, and sometimes they lead to a chair with the number “1” on it.
“You should go for it, Sakura.” Aoi elbowed her in the side when the HKT48 members swept the room to check for empty seats to sit. Sakura pushed her away, drifting off to some nearby chairs on the floor, “No way.” She mumbled quietly, her feet already felt unstable and her heart pounded with all the eyes on her.
Sakura wasn’t oblivious to her popularity, she didn’t think it extended this far that even these Korean trainees who excelled in dance, singing, and charisma were in awe of her. Why would they even look at her if they were just that much better? She could barely calm her nerves as they sat down, her eyes meandered up and down the rows and rows of girls. Amane and Bibian chatted lightly to the Korean trainees next to them, but Sakura's attention was sucked behind her.
She saw all these talented girls, some just as young as Nako and maybe even younger than her, who looked like they could just sweep the stage with a single flick of their hair or a complicated dance move that would definitely trip if she tried.
Her eyes trailed the staircase near the middle of all of them, each small step that led to the coveted “number 1” seat that they all vied for.
(She stupidly wrote that she expected to be 1st on the questionnaire the staff handed her before, and they showed it to all the trainees. She wanted to punch herself for not being modest and write 12th place or something.)
During the small break while groups are led backstage to prepare for their company evaluations, Amane and Bibian hit her shoulder.
“Sakura, you should get used to walking these stairs.” Bibian gestured wildly to the stairs on their left seeing as the Korean trainees they were talking to before disappeared backstage to prepare for their performance. Amane nodded in agreement, “I bet you'll always be up there watching us from the top.”
Bibian continued with a slow and sagely nod, “On the bright side, we won’t be doing leg exercises like she will be. By the time this show is finished I bet Sakura’s legs will be huge.”
Her face reddened and she hit both of their shoulders back while wildly shaking her head. “Don’t say dumb things, I’ll probably be eliminated first.” She grumbled, trying to downplay everything. They continued their conversation about everything they’ve experienced so far but her mind wandered with her eyes, as they peered at the pink steps that lead to a whole new place.
This was just the beginning of a long three months.
A staircase was a set of stairs that lead up or down somewhere. They also represented many things in life: power, enlightenment, obstacles… When one arrives at the top of a staircase, they have achieved their goal and have become a better person.
On the contrary, Sakura felt like she was the most worthless person ever at the top of this particular staircase. The muffled sound of footsteps slapping against the floor and the melody of Nekkoya (not a cat song unfortunately) played along kept floating behind her back. It reminded her of the limited time she had left until their next evaluations.
Her hands dug into her scalp in frustration, why was she even here? Why did the trainers give her an A? She wasn’t good at singing or dancing. Her performance was at most a B if they wanted to be nice, but they gave her an A--the only other Japanese trainee after Takeuchi Miyu to receive one.
(Even AKB/SKE48 ace, Matsui Jurina did not receive one which shocked all of them.)
Despite being so high up, she felt so powerless. All her other classmates were miles ahead of her--they could sing well, they could dance well, they were going to pass their re-evaluations with flying colours and move on while she… she was going to fall, she was going to roll down this staircase.
Sakura wanted to keep going, she honestly did. Her pride was way too huge to give everything up, but her body betrayed her constantly--it didn’t follow what her mind and heart wanted.
It won’t move how I want it; it won’t be at the right place when I want it to be.
Her fingers loosened against her dark locks as they moved to her eyes, her palms covering them because a new wave of tears threatened her already tired eyes.
Maybe she wasn’t entirely joking when she told Bibian and Amane that she was going to be eliminated first.
“Who’s that?”
“Oh, is she back from the hospital? I heard she was sick.”
Trainees whispered behind her back as she heard them pass by while ignoring her crouched body against the top of the staircase. There were muted footsteps that drew closer to her and eventually she pulled her hands away and meekly looked up. Maybe death was here to claim her.
Curious brown eyes stared at her, blinking a couple of times.
Sakura immediately screamed as she scrambled backwards, “Hello, yes, no, I’m Miyawaki Sakura?!” The only Korean words she actually knew tore from her lips as she stared back at the girl who crouched in front of her. She wanted to run away at that moment, but fatigue and frustration still claimed her body and her legs barely wanted to move.
“Hello Sakura! I’m Lee Chaeyeon!”
…
Japanese?
Her wide-eyed stare and gaping mouth must have spurred the girl in front of her--Chaeyeon to continue as she tilted her head to the left. “Did I say that right? I think that’s how you’re supposed to introduce yourself…”
Mumbled Korean words came from Chaeyeon, her lips perked out in a small pout as she tapped her chin. She must have thought something was wrong because Sakura didn’t respond.
Don’t be rude and reply.
“S-Sorry.” She apologized quickly and quietly, “I… You speak Japanese?”
That sounded stupid to even her ears.
“Just a bit.” Chaeyeon sheepishly grinned with a small laugh as she stuck her tongue out. “Still learning, it’s pretty difficult.”
“No, it’s… it’s good.” Sakura shook her head quickly. She had no idea where Chaeyeon came from but realized that maybe she was trying to get by. She scrambled to the side, apologizing again as she tried to get out of her way.
Chaeyeon blinked in confusion again and suddenly the Korean trainee sat next to Sakura, her curious brown eyes still on her. "Are you okay?"
No.
Sakura wanted to answer truthfully, wanted to pour her heart out to this mysterious girl who suddenly appeared (later she'll remember that Lee Chaeyeon was that girl who swept the company evaluations with her free dance), but she was too much of a coward to, especially to someone she just met.
Fresh tears welled up at the corner of her eyes and she jerked her head away, her hands shakily trying to wipe them away again.
A soft zip was heard, and she felt something cold rest against her forearm. Her eyes laid upon a metallic bottle.
"Take it, it will help you. It's extra."
The sentences are short and straightforward, reflecting Chaeyeon's Japanese ability but Sakura understood them clearly. She grasped the cold bottle and opened it carefully. A strong, distinct scent wafted into her nose but her muddled up brain couldn’t put a single word to it at that moment. It enticed her and she brought the bottle to her lips.
Lemon? No, this was citrus.
It was… refreshing, the sweet yet tangy flavour danced on her tongue. She greedily gulped at least half of the bottle before removing it from her mouth with a satisfied sigh.
“Good?”
Chaeyeon’s smile filled her line of sight again--her eyes and smile almost blinding in such a cruel and grueling competition like this one.
“I-I’m sorry, I-I drank a lot.” Sakura apologized for probably the fifth time in the last hour, gently shoving the bottle back into Chaeyeon’s hands. “It was good, thank you.”
“Good! My Omma… Mother?... She um... makes drinks…” Chaeyeon was animate, even though she struggled with certain words in her sentence, she wildly flopped her arms around to help get her point across. “This is um yujacha? What’s yujacha in Japanese?”
Watching Chaeyeon trying to communicate with her despite the clear language barrier turned her whole world around, almost forgetting about the foreboding situation that surrounded the two of them. Her heart calmed, her frustrations and worries melting to the back of her mind as this individual tried to talk to her.
“I’m grateful.”
She touched Chaeyeon’s hand gently, a shy smile curling up on her lips.
Chaeyeon blinked, staring at her hand, before patting it with her other free hand with a small grin. Her eyes soon traced up and down. “Oh, practicing Nekkoya?”
The name of the song reminded her of everything before Chaeyeon showed up and she let out a pitiful sigh. She drew her hand back, “I should get back to it…”
Her hand was tugged forward, fingers grasping hers.
“Let’s practice together?”
Sakura’s head snapped upwards, her eyes continuously blinking. Did she say practice together? This was a competition, they were supposed to be against each other, why would someone help--“We’re the same!” Chaeyeon gestured between the two of them, grinning. “It will be better because I didn’t go to class. Sakura can tell me what happened, and I can help Sakura too!”
The words, despite being in her mother tongue, seemed foreign to her. Sakura had been part of HKT48 for seven years now, and despite her members being family to her, they (and the rest of the AKB48 groups) were always pitted against each other, fighting for recognition in a rather strenuous system. Someone (much less someone she met ten minutes ago) extending a hand out to her in this competitive system was unfamiliar to her.
“O...kay.”
She managed to mumble and somehow the smile on Chaeyeon’s face impossibly widened.
How could someone be so bright like this?
Chaeyeon stood up first and gently helped her to her feet before leading her away to an empty space where they could go over the choreography together, her hand never leaving hers.
Sakura glanced at them with a small sheepish smile.
Maybe being at the top of the staircase wasn’t so bad after all.
Looking up at the huge pink staircase that was prepared for them once more, Sakura thought it seemed more daunting than the first time she stepped close to it. Chairs were set up but less than half of them were there compared to the first time all the trainees sat together.
At least 30 of them were going home.
Her eyes lingered on each pink step as they lit up with the tests that the stage staff were doing to make sure of a smooth broadcast. She would be stepping up these steps soon enough, how far she would go she honestly wasn’t too sure.
Sakura wasn’t ignorant about her ranking the past four weeks--while she never actively checked it, her Twitter and Instagram account were littered with messages from all over the world, telling her about how much they loved her, hated her, and everything in between, including screenshots of the results. But somehow, staring at the steps now as they were preparing for their broadcast made her nervous. The higher you went, the safer you were, but this was only the first elimination.
Could she even stay up there for the next elimination rounds?
“Saku-chan?”
Her name was called lightly, and she turned around, meeting with the brown eyes she grew familiar with. She smiled, “Chaeyeon.”
Since their fateful encounter during the Nekkoya practice, Sakura and Chaeyeon became that duo. Sakura owed Chaeyeon everything--if it weren’t for her, she would have never stayed in A class and become the center of Produce 48’s theme song. If it weren’t for Chaeyeon being by her side, she would not have made it through their group evaluation battle despite being on the losing side. If it weren’t for Chaeyeon, Sakura would probably be still crying at the top of the staircase outside of their practice rooms.
That’s why she held Chaeyeon close to her despite only knowing each other for a handful of weeks.
“Nervous?” Chaeyeon stepped to her side, her hand moving towards her own and clasping it gently.
“... Yeah. Some of us won’t be coming back after today.”
They cast a small glance over their shoulders, everyone seemed to be down and sullen today. Chatter filled the entire area as everyone tried to cheer each other up, it’s not your time yet, you won’t be going home yet, you can still make it…
Sakura couldn’t bear to hear their voices and threw her attention back to the staircase.
“How… high do you think you’ll go?”
She gestured towards the staircase, making some walking motions to help Chaeyeon understand her question. Chaeyeon tilted her head thoughtfully, “Hmm… Definitely not the top.” She laughed quietly, shaking her head. “Maybe there?” She pointed at the last chair with the number “58”.
Sakura hit her, “That’s not funny! You’re way more popular than that.”
Chaeyeon had to be--Chaeyeon had everything she didn’t.
Chaeyeon laughed, taking her hit earnestly. “Sorry, sorry.” She moved her hand, pinching Sakura’s cheek in retaliation. “But I’m not Miyawaki Sakura.”
A whine left Sakura’s lips as the light pinch burned. Even though Chaeyeon’s words were playful, they held a lot of weight that affected her. Everyone knew she was going to be somewhere on the top. It showed in the updated results every week. And she honestly hated it. Having this expectation from everyone put a burden on her shoulders.
She wasn’t sure if she could handle it. She had been an idol for seven years now, but this was a whole new pressure that toppled everything she held before.
“But you know.” Chaeyeon started, her eyes narrowing as she glanced at the steps on the stage. “You’ll become stronger every time you go up.”
Her tone was light, playful and almost reassuring. Even though Chaeyeon wasn’t fluent in Japanese, she was trying hard to keep Sakura’s mood high and relieve some of her worries.
Sakura was grateful.
“What happens if I fall?”
Sakura asked and pointed at her shoes. They were simple plain sneakers, but Sakura was a bit of a klutz and could barely do sports, so her feet weren’t the most coordinated. A simple squeeze came from their entwined hands, Chaeyeon giving Sakura her signature smile.
“I’ll catch you.”
To be dramatic, she tugged on Sakura’s hand, making Sakura yelp in surprise and tumble. Warm arms wrapped around her body before she could hit anything or anyone and Sakura felt her cheeks warm up. She wanted to look around, desperately trying to make sure no one (the staff) saw the skinship between the two.
She felt Chaeyeon mumble something next to her ear, but it was in Korean and as much as she was learning more than how to introduce herself, she still couldn’t understand what was said.
As fast as Chaeyeon tugged her, she pulled away, patting her shoulder with a silly grin.
“Let’s do our best, Saku-chan.”
Sakura blinked, shaking her head of any redness that gathered on her cheeks. “... Mm, yeah, let’s do our best.”
The staff called for all the girls to get into position and they bid each other a small farewell to sit with the members of their company.
(I’m not sure how high up I can go, but I’ll do my best to be up there with you.)
It was the day before Sakura would know if her life would change.
The last of the contestants were all gathered into the final area, the staff advising them of the area and how to move about on the stage despite it still being in the process of setting up for them. The middle of the stage was a large diamond shape, representing the logo of Produce 48 and would be the waiting spot for the girls to wait in anticipation for their possible entrance into the global girl’s group. The top of the stage led to yet another large and daunting staircase--while it held many similarities to the one, they walked up and down before, this one was overwhelming. Not for its sheer size and the amount of lights and effects built into each step, but for the meaning that each one meant. It no longer meant the higher you climb the safer you possibly would be, but it meant that you made it.
Sakura wanted to take those steps one last time and even though she had been predicted to make it into the final group since the very beginning, anything could change. People kept raising and falling each week.
An arm wrapped around her waist and a familiar body sidled up to her as she stared at the staircase from faraway. She’s used to this warmth, to this physical contact (despite rules written in their dorms saying it was prohibited) that came from only one person. She leaned into Chaeyeon.
“Admiring first place?”
Her elbow made contact with Chaeyeon's ribs, hard with a small huff. She’s used to the small jokes and quips the Korean trainee always made on her but still reacted to them. “Stop that.”
“You looked happy up there before.”
Chaeyeon laughed, squeezing Sakura around the waist.
“I’m not the only one.”
Sakura puffed out, pointing up to the pink leather third place chair. “It took four of us to drag you from there last time.” She held up four fingers and pulled on Chaeyeon. The memory brought Chaeyeon into a fit of laughter, having to lean into Sakura’s shoulder for support so she wouldn’t fall over. Sakura rolled her eyes at first, but she smiled, and a breathless laugh left her lips--she could never stay annoyed at Chaeyeon for a long time.
“One last time.”
Chaeyeon said after she finally composed herself and stared at the staircase that laid ahead of them. “Your legs must be quite strong now.” She peered downward, nudging Sakura’s leg with her knee, grinning. Sakura kneed her back, “You went up and down there just as many times.” She grumbled, before returning her attention to the staircase.
“It’s… scary.”
Sakura’s eyes studied each step that lit up in fancy colours, each one more frightening than the other. Emotions swelled up in her throat just thinking about the meaning of each step. They were the goal this time and they were just outside of their grasp.
Chaeyeon hummed in agreement. “I’ll still catch you.” She pointed at Sakura’s shoes with a small smile. “If you fall.”
Sakura opened her mouth and shook her head, “I’ll catch you.” She said, her shoulders raised in confidence. “I want to.”
Since the very beginning, whether it was dancing, singing, pronunciation, or even how to eat the exquisite Korean snacks or food that showed up in their dorms, she relied on Chaeyeon for help. Her and the other Korean trainees gave so much to her and now, all she wanted to do was give back to them--show them the same gratitude that they gave her.
That Chaeyeon gave her.
Chaeyeon tilted her head, blinking in surprise. Soon, she grinned as she squeezed Sakura’s waist again. “Then we’ll both catch each other.”
“... Wouldn’t that mean we fell together?” Sakura raised a brow, but a teasing smile tugged on her lips.
Chaeyeon shrugged, “It’s better together.”
Despite being the largest hurdle ahead of her, Sakura felt reassured when Chaeyeon said together.
“Let’s debut together, then.”
Sakura finally reached the top of the staircase, congratulating and hugging Wonyoung tightly one last time before moving to her place on the side, setting herself down in second place. The burden that was set on her shoulders since the very beginning, since she set foot into the studio where they first filmed all the trainees together, was lifted. Being at the top truly meant she had done it, she accomplished everything that she wanted here.
(Even though first place slipped away yet again, she was much happier this time than the bitter feelings that were left when she was called into third place.)
There was one thing that wasn’t accomplished though.
Her eyes fell to the middle of the stage as Lee Seung-gi drawled on about the remaining trainees and the last chair at the bottom of the steps.
She spotted a certain trainee that stood there, pensive, and still. Her demeanor was different than usual, different from the last time they embraced each other before Sakura moved with Wonyoung to the staircase. As each second passed by, Chaeyeon was breaking down.
Sakura’s heart burned, this shouldn’t be happening, she shouldn’t be there.
They were supposed to be together, up here, to climb up and down these final steps of stairs one last time.
But no, Sakura was here, all the way up here, and Chaeyeon was down there, on the brink of elimination.
It shouldn’t be like this.
After Lee Seung-gi finally made his way to the very final moment, the moment that her, the rest of the other ten girls, and perhaps everyone in this very studio was waiting for, her hands raised and clasped together in a prayer.
When she was asked to call out to someone before she would climb up the staircase one last time, Chaeyeon was the one she called out to, and now Chaeyeon would be the one she wished for.
I want to debut with you.
“WM Lee Chaeyeon.”
The entire studio burst out into cheers, thunderous roars and applause ripping through. She stood up at that moment, but her knees felt weak and she immediately sat down. Emotions flooded her entire being, the tears wouldn’t stop coming.
She didn’t even cry when her own name was called.
Her hands covered her face as her entire body let out the biggest cry of relief, she barely heard Nako’s call of concern and even Yena’s quiet and accented ‘are you okay?’ over her emotions that pounded in her ears. It’s not until the translator in her ear told her gently that she needed to stand up for the final shot that she clamored up onto her feet. Her hands covered her face still, but her eyes never left the Korean trainee standing at the bottom of the steps.
Nako led her down the steps, always casting a glance back to make sure she wouldn’t fall as they went down together to greet Chaeyeon. All the other members already surrounded Chaeyeon by the time they got down, congratulating her, and giving her reassuring words that she finally made it.
Sakura was impatient, wanting to wish her well too and the other members noticed. Nako tapped Chaewon’s shoulder and gently grabbed her hand to make sure she wouldn’t fall when she moved. Chaewon gave Sakura a knowing look and congratulated Chaeyeon one last time before she went to the side with Nako. Sakura slipped in, standing in front of Chaeyeon now with a wide smile.
“Chaeyeon.”
Chaeyeon didn’t even look up, she just reached out and wrapped her arms tightly around Sakura.
No words exchanged between the two of them as they dug their heads into each other’s shoulder.
They finally made it; they conquered this set of stairs that stood in front of them for the last couple of months.
And when you reach one level, there would be another one after that--another set of stairs to conquer once more, and once again they would do it together, as IZ*ONE.
Realization finally settled that the next chapter of her life was beginning as she stood outside the large apartment complex that loomed over her. Nako and Hitomi already went ahead with their luggage and their managers were still dragging in the rest of their things from the van.
Sakura stared up the large building in front of her.
It looked like any high-end apartment complex (according to the group chat, they were in the same apartment complex as a lot of other Korean celebrities) to her, but for some reason just seeing the sheer size boiled the anticipation in her stomach. It was like another invisible set of stairs for her to go up (the apartment complex most likely had stairs she could climb if she really wanted to though).
A large sip of a drink interrupted her thoughts and she nearly dropped the handle to her suitcase as she scrambled to move out of the way of the entrance.
“You can go in, it’s open.” A giggle followed.
Sakura spun on her heels, startled that she may have been caught by someone passing by. She lifted her cap to get a better view of the person who approached her from behind. They looked like her but more stylish than her overcoat, hat, and mask; the other wore tight fit skinny jeans, a simple blouse with a white fleece jacket over and a matching baseball cap.
Her face softened, she knew that voice and clothes from anywhere. “Chaeyeon! I-I was just… admiring the building.” She quickly retorted, trying to hide that fact she was caught daydreaming outside their apartment.
“Hey Saku-chan.” Chaeyeon greeted happily as she lowered the straw to her smoothie from her mouth. “I thought Manager-oppa was going to be longer, so I went out to buy a few things.” She grinned sheepishly.
“Sorry I couldn’t greet you guys at home.”
Home.
A small flutter overtook Sakura’s heart for that moment and then she shook her head. “It’s okay, we were kind of early anyway.” She turned around to stare up the building once more. Footsteps approached her side and a hand laid itself against hers. “Saku-chan?”
Sakura’s eyes drifted over, a small smiling curling at her lips. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”
A teasing smile took Chaeyeon’s lips as she squeezed her hand. “Is it about stairs again?”
“Maybe.” Sakura mumbled quietly a light flush touching her cheeks. She grasped Chaeyeon’s hand for a fleeting moment before Chaeyeon pulled away with a knowing smile. “We’ll climb these new ones together.” Her hand slipped on her waist as she took another sip from her smoothie.
“We need to go though, before a reporter thinks we’re on some secret rendezvous.”
Sakura’s head snapped up in confusion, pointing between both her and Chaeyeon. “H-How? W-We’re not…”
“You certainly don’t look like a woman right now.”
Her brow furrowed and her head tilted downwards to cast a look, confused over Chaeyeon’s words. How did she not look like a woman? She was in their large overcoat from the company, a pair of slacks, a cap, and a hoodie underneath…
A hand pulled her cap down teasingly, and Chaeyeon’s infectious laughter rang in her ear.
“Don’t think too hard Oppa.”
The handle to her suitcase slipped right under her grasp, Chaeyeon had swiped it during Sakura’s confusion and pulled it with her into the apartment complex. Sakura’s cheeks flared in a mix of embarrassment and anger as she stomped after Chaeyeon. “Are you teasing me about my airport fashion again?!”
It was just the beginning of another set of stairs for them to conquer again.
Stairs had become a symbol between the two of them--a lot of their time and reflection during the Produce series revolved around the many stairways and staircases they found each other on and went up and down together.
The other members noticed the strange jokes and quips about stairs between Sakura and Chaeyeon but chose never to push it. Sometimes they would join in the teasing but would never be able to fully grasp the metaphorical meaning behind them.
(Sakura remembered during the first Seoul Fashion week she attended, poor Minjoo was trying her best to help her down the giant blue steps, mumbling something about Chaeyeon-unnie asking her to help Sakura. Sakura gave Chaeyeon an earful that night, but it was drowned out by her constant laughter.)
There was a situation that involved all twelve of them and many stairs.
“... The elevators are broken and won’t be fixed until tomorrow?”
Twelves pairs of eyes glanced backwards at the managers standing behind them, who held some of their things from the vehicles. The managers glanced at each other, and at the girls in front of them, their eyes lingering on certain members with raised brows.
“I didn’t break the elevator!”
Yena immediately spouted when she saw the managers' eyes linger on her longer than the others. “We were out all day, Manager-oppa, Unnie, how could you accuse me like this?!”
A soft rumble of laughter swept the members and even the tired managers as they waved the angry member off. “Take the stairs to your dorms then, they’re not far up anyways.”
“Go in pairs so you don’t make too much noise. I don’t want to receive angry calls from other agencies in a few hours because you girls were too loud in the hallways.”
The managers handed them their things, lecturing them lightly about the dangers of lurkers at night and wished them a good night. The members wished their managers a good night and waited until they drove off before they huddled in the corner of the lobby.
“Who goes with who? The stairway will only fit one pair at a time.”
“Wouldn’t it be better for the louder members to go first?”
“Yah, who are you calling loud?!”
“How about responsible members and not-so-responsible?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“Doesn’t it make more sense to go up in pairs from your dorm…”
Whispers and hushed voices flew around their circle they made, everyone trying to get their opinion heard and pushed. Except with twelve voices trying to speak all at once, it just created a chaotic mess that surely could be heard by residents just above them. Eunbi eventually hushed them all, taking control of the situation as the leader of the group.
“Let’s just go up with someone your height.” She said firmly, earning a round of raised brows. She shrugged, “It’s easier for someone your height to help you up and down the stairs.” Her arm reached out to Yuri, but the young vocalist latched herself to Hyewon. “I’m going up with Hyung! I still owe her a kiss-”
Hyewon pressed a palm against Yuri’s cheek as she tried to lean into her. “Sorry Yuri-ya, I’m with Ssamu.”
“What? Chaewon-ah, I thought we were going up together because we’re eating chicken!”
Chaewon blinked looking between the two 99z members. “U-Um.... Rock-Paper-Scissors?”
A discussion (read: argument) started between the group of four as they broke off to the side to decide who would go up together. Minjoo, amused, followed them, curious about who was going with who (and certainly not because she wanted to play rock-paper-scissors too).
“Unnie. Is it okay if we go up first? Wonyoungie is sleepy.” Yujin called from the staircase off to the side, Wonyoung yawning at her side and rubbing her eyes like a baby. With how Wonyoung and Yujin acted, it was hard to remember that they were both the youngest members. Eunbi nodded, “Go wash up first, we’ll…” She glanced at the group who were in the most intense rock-paper-scissors competition, then back to the two younger members. “... Catch up.”
The two youngest wished those who were listening a good night and slowly made their way up the stairs, Yujin’s arm wrapping around Wonyoung’s shoulders so she wouldn’t miss a step up the stairs.
Eunbi rubbed her head as she turned to those who were still listening. “I’ll go up with Tomi-ya, no ands, ifs, and buts.”
Nako opened her mouth but Eunbi gave her a look as she wrapped an arm around the Japanese member. “Tomi-ya come, you have to help Momma Eunbi up the stairs.”
Hitomi laughed quietly as she was (forcefully) dragged away by Eunbi. “I’ll be showering first, Chaeyeon-unnie.” She called out as she disappeared up the staircase with Eunbi, her arm also wrapped around their leader.
As soon as they were gone, Nako grumbled, “Eunbi-unnie just took away the person closest to my height.” She turned to Sakura and Chaeyeon, who had been watching in amusement the entire time. “I’ll go consult the others, you two should go up first.” She waved them off before walking over to the group that broke off earlier, somehow their original plan escalated into some sort of food party.
Chaeyeon turned to Sakura, holding out her arm. “I guess that just leaves us, Saku-chan!”
As they continued to work together as a group, Sakura had grown more comfortable with being around her members all the time. She even grew closer to Chaeyeon (which the thought was impossible given how close they were in Produce).
"But following Eunbi-unnie's logic, wouldn't it make sense to use someone closer in height?" Her arms folded playfully as she pretended to puff out a cheek in contemplation while ignoring Chaeyeon's obvious pout. "Yena, Kang-chan, Chaewonie and I are all roughly the same height."
Sakura's eyes drifted back to Chaeyeon, teasingly rising herself up but not enough for them to be at the same height. "Minjoo is closer to you, isn't she?"
"I'll give some of my height to Nako and then Nako can help Minjoo up the stairs."
Chaeyeon's infectious laughter rang between them, it was too hard to not smile and laugh along with her. Chaeyeon looped her arm with hers, "Stop being so fussy! I promise if you fall, I'll catch you."
All too familiar words that seemed too much like from a romance drama tugged at Sakura's heart, but she brushed it away as fast as Chaeyeon grabbed her. "Chaeyeon!"
She only received that infectious laughter again as she was tugged up the staircase. She fell into quick steps with the taller member, a small smile curled on her lips.
It was just another staircase that they would conquer together.
(Halfway up the stairs, they heard Minjoo dramatically collapsing onto Nako's back and begged the smallest member to help her up. Somehow Minjoo and Nako must have got fed up with waiting and decided to conquer the staircase together.
Sakura and Chaeyeon found out later from Nako (who was eating a piece of chicken) that she dragged a dramatic Minjoo up a few steps then ditched her halfway through.)
Sakura was on top of the world. Her achievements with IZ*ONE exceeded anything that she could fathom, their group won awards and topped the charts within their first year. They got to meet with fans from all over and perform in many countries that Sakura didn't even imagine going to so soon in her life.
She climbed higher and higher, constantly hitting landmarks and goal posts along the way that she thought she was floating in the sky among the clouds.
(Let's go above the never-ending sky and beyond the clouds.)
However, there was a saying...
The day after their recording for the BLOOM*IZ comeback show, the managers graciously pushed their schedule to later in the day, so they had a chance to rest. By the time Sakura rolled over in her bed (knocking over her Irene fan and Red Velvet light stick by accident) and checked the time--it was well past 12 PM. She frowned; it was already this late, but it felt like she only slept for a couple of hours…
She shut her eyes and listened to the ambient sounds of her room. It was a mix of soft snores, mumbles, and quietly shuffling, but it brought a smile to her face. She could vividly pick out each sound and match it to each member she shared her room with.
Yuri had a particular breathing sound with the way she inhaled through her nose.
Nako mumbled and moved in her sleep.
And their youngest, yet tallest, Wonyoung, always rolled around, the blankets constantly ruffling against her because they couldn’t quite cover her entire body.
It was all seemingly normal, but it told Sakura that they were at peace despite the intense 24 hours they worked through.
A delicious aroma swept by which made her nose twitch. It was the familiar scent of cooked pork with a hint of something aromatic and hot.
Her eyes fluttered open shortly after, realizing Chaeyeon must have slept half the hours she did but did double the work. With a small stretch, she finally rose from her bed and made her way out.
That’s when she found out.
“They’re saying they are discussing whether or not to air the episodes you’re featured in, but the higher-ups have said they’ll probably not.”
Through the small crack she made from silently opening the door, Sakura saw copious amounts of food laid out for them on their living room table. She was amazed, Chaeyeon always surprised her with the breakfast she made. She’s about to greet her and ask if she needed help until the familiar voice of their manager swept through.
“So… they’re just leaving us?”
Chaeyeon’s voice wavered and Sakura’s gut was telling her something was amiss.
“I think you all might be on hiatus for the next month.” A sigh and some shuffling. “I still need to talk to Eunbi. I figured I would stop by your dorm first since it’s closer. Just sit tight, we will explain everything to everyone after lunch.”
The voices and padded footsteps crept closer and Sakura quickly hid behind the door frame, silently listening to the rest of the conversation through the tiny crack.
“Manager-oppa…”
“Chaeyeon, we’ll do our best to help you and the girls. Just… give us some time.”
The front door opened and closed. It was silent bare for the peculiar sounds of her innocent roommates. What feels like an eternity is just a couple of minutes before Chaeyeon’s footsteps are drawn away from her door, most likely retreating to the kitchen.
Even though the words flew by quickly and were difficult for a learner like herself, Sakura was a smart girl, she knew exactly what they were talking about. She glanced helplessly at her group members who had no idea of the devastating news that would eventually befall them. Her fists curled up by her side as she stared at each and every one of them.
That the higher up you are, the harder the fall will be.
Being in IZ*ONE, many new opportunities and experiences opened up to Sakura. With those opportunities and experiences, challenges also presented themselves. Sakura faced many physical and metaphorical stairs in her life, but this one, well, she wasn’t sure if they were stairs anymore because it felt like she was pushed down from the height she climbed to.
During their “break”, they were under strict orders to stay at the dorm. Only their family was permitted to visit, but it was only with the presence of their managers that they could come in. Chaeyeon and Wonyoung’s Moms often came by and flooded their dorm with food and hugs. It constantly reminded Sakura of home and she would have to call her mom after each visit just to listen to her voice.
Even with this constant love that they were given, the reality that they might not exist in the upcoming months was still there, and that hurt. Their fate as a group was up in the air and they could only wait, without saying anything to anyone--the media, the fans, no one.
(What would they say? Sakura consulted Sashihara about it and even her reliable Senior could only suggest that they need to lay low and let senior management deal with the situation. “I know you hate hearing that Sakura, but it’s the only thing you can do. As much as I think you yourself should tell the fans to ‘please wait’, it might add fire to already burning flames.”)
It was exhausting being stuck in the same place with a cloud of uncertainty hanging above all your heads. The members often hung out together and had sleepovers to try and ease the tension and get their minds away from everything, but that was taking a toll too. As days passed, permission was eventually granted for them to go home.
Or, well, for most of them to go home. The Japanese line would have to remain in Korea for most of December while the managers sorted out their flights, their timing, and how each of them would go to and from the airport.
The members went home one by one, most were reluctant at first but after some reassurance they slowly left back home to spend time with their loved ones and help stabilize themselves (even if it was just a little).
Sakura leaned back in her chair as her screen turned grey and your squad has been eliminated flashed on her screen, a quiet sigh leaving her lips. They were close but still couldn’t best the teams that survived. She glanced at the bag Nako brought her earlier, rummaging through it and finding her favourite things she liked to eat from the Convenience store. Even without asking, Nako still looked out for her.
When she told Nako she had grown up, she really meant it
She found a bowl of instant ramyeon and decided that a snack break sounded good before she went back to more games.
Light laughter and soft chattering reached her ears when she left her room, normally she would pass by after getting a glimpse of what was happening on TV, but her name was called, and she turned her head.
Her eyes met with Chaeyeon’s and she blinked. “Chaeyeon? You’re back?”
“I just saw Minjoo off, my Parents will be coming soon though.” She gave a small smile, ruffling Nako’s head and gently tapping the cheeks of Hitomi who was sleeping next to her. “We were just chatting before you came out.”
She stood up from the couch, “Nako mentioned that you were looking for me earlier.”
Sakura blinked before glaring at the smallest member. Nako winked and turned away to “pay attention to the drama” while playing with Hitomi’s fingers. Sakura sighed as she turned her gaze over to her, “I-I was just wondering when you were leaving.”
She mumbled quietly as she made her way to the kitchen, setting the bowl of instant ramyeon down and picking up the wooden pair of chopsticks that came with the package. She heard soft footsteps follow her and a warm body leaned against her back. “Is everything okay?”
Is everything okay?
The warmth disappeared in an instant and Sakura glanced down, noticing that she broke the wooden chopsticks in her hand. Her eyes widened as she let the broken pieces clatter against the countertop. She turned around, facing worried eyes. She sheepishly grinned, “S-Sorry, I was just in thought.”
“Kkura…”
Chaeyeon’s hands drew close, touching her jawline very gently. Sakura quickly glanced away, not able to see the worried expression in Chaeyeon’s eyes. Chaeyeon was going home, Chaeyeon needed to go home. She needed her parents, her sisters, and all the love she could get to help her heal.
Sakura didn’t want Chaeyeon to worry about her or anyone else.
“I’ll clean up after you leave.” Sakura said, tilting her head back to Chaeyeon and put on her best smile. “You’re leaving soon, right?”
Chaeyeon drew back at the question, her eyes darting up and down constantly, searching for something. She remained silent at first and then slowly nodded. “Would… you like to see me off?”
Sakura tilted her head. Chaeyeon knew she would always see her off, but there seemed to be something else that she was missing.
Chaeyeon smiled as she stepped backwards, “Dress into something warmer and get your coat. Then meet me by the door.”
The descent down the staircase outside of their apartment was a whole new feat Sakura never thought she would experience. Chaeyeon’s hand was tightly laced through hers as they both went down each steel step carefully, being mindful of their steps and the cold air that swept beneath their winter jackets.
It would be the last time they saw each other until Sakura returned to Korea most likely.
They finally made it down the last step without any harm and were greeted by Mrs. Lee and their youngest, Chaemin, who waited just a few paces away from the staircase. Chaeyeon greeted them, arms wrapped tightly around her Mom first, and then her baby sister after (who seemed still a bit annoyed because Chaeyeon constantly chastised her about dancing). Sakura watched with a warm smile, ignoring the pangs of loneliness that clouded her for days on end.
“Kkura.”
She was engulfed in a tight hug, Mrs. Lee had exceptionally warm hugs and it reminded Sakura of home. She did her best to not break out into tears as she hugged the woman back. Mrs. Lee spoke small words of encouragement to her and said she would send her, Nako, and Hitomi delivery and coupons often so they wouldn’t starve in the dorm. She treated each of them like they were her own.
Chaemin also came up and hugged Sakura, telling her how pretty she was and how she liked her new long hair. She also gave her encouragement, telling her that she’s the prettiest Unnie (Chaeyeon could be seen rolling her eyes behind them, but remained silent). Sakura giggled and told Chaemin she was prettier and encouraged the young Lee to work hard.
After a small discussion, Mrs. Lee told Chaeyeon that they’ll be at the car. Their Dad was just loading the things she was bringing home from the manager. They left the two alone again.
Chaeyeon turned to Sakura, slowly taking her hands into hers. “... I won’t be seeing you for a while.” Her eyes lowered. She was trying to hide her disappointment, but Sakura knew that Chaeyeon needed this the most right now, to be surrounded by a blanket of love and be with people who have been with you forever. Family was important, Sakura knew this.
“Don’t be sad.” Sakura said quietly, squeezing Chaeyeon’s hands, “We’ll be fine. I’ll take care of Nako and Hitomi, the rest of you need to see your families too.”
“But you’re also our family, Kkura.” Chaeyeon’s retaliation was quick, catching Sakura off-guard because Chaeyeon was normally one to take a moment to gather her words. “You, Tomi-ya, and Nako. You’re just as important.”
Chaeyeon’s hands slipped out of hers, rising slowly and touching the very tips of her now long, dark hair. “It’s a shame.” She murmured, “That no one will be able to see you dance with this right now.”
Her lips parted, the dry winter wind slightly chapping them as she remained speechless. Chaeyeon was obviously bothered by a lot and couldn’t quite come to terms with what was going on right now. There were plenty of things she wanted right now, but because of their…situation she could have none of them. Sakura wished she could ease her pain.
She brought her own hands up, gently touching the ends of Chaeyeon’s hair that rested above her shoulders. “You too.” She mumbled, playing with the tips. “Even with short hair your dancing is still incredible.”
“Saku-chan.”
Chaeyeon’s voice drew her attention away from her hair and she glanced up to fully face her. A soft grip went around Sakura’s hands once more. “... Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
Will you be okay?
It’s a question that plagued Sakura, she’s seen it from dozens of colleagues, friends, family, in both Korean and in Japanese, and she always answered with a generic yes, thank you for your concern. But, standing out here, face to face with Chaeyeon in the cold, winter night, her answer faltered.
“I don’t know.”
She answered honestly as her fingers naturally slipped and entwined with Chaeyeon’s as they both lowered their arms to their front. She could see the concern writing itself on Chaeyeon’s face, the way her eyes lowered, her lips tugged downward and her brow knitting, trying to come up with something encouraging to say. But Sakura was reminded of the conversation she had with Nako before they came outside.
We’ll all be okay.
“But we can handle this.”
She squeezed Chaeyeon’s fingers tightly, a small smile reaching up to her lips this time. “Nako and I, we’ve been through a lot, and Hitomi is strong too.” She paused for a moment, searching for the right words. Words that would reassure and comfort Chaeyeon at the same time. “We all are. We’ll… get through this.”
Together.
Chaeyeon gently tugged her forward as her grip on her hands loosened and she drew her into a tight hug. Sakura naturally wrapped her arms around her waist as well, embracing her warmth. Chaeyeon’s head lingered by hers, small mumbles of I’m sorry and We’ll be okay crawled out of Chaeyeon’s lips. Sakura squeezed her waist, hoping that will give Chaeyeon some comfort and tell her that this is okay, you can go home and recover, we’ll be fine too.
Their arms loosened and they pulled away. Sakura spotted a slight shimmer to Chaeyeon’s eyes and frowned as she passed Chaeyeon a tissue to wipe her eyes away. “You’ll be fine, I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.” She whispered, patting Chaeyeon’s head gently as Chaeyeon nodded slowly while trying to recover.
“I should go now. I don’t want to keep your family waiting.”
Sakura pulled away fully, smiling a little. Chaeyeon nodded, agreeing silently as she glanced over her shoulder.
"I'll wait down here until you get up safely inside."
Sakura blinked and followed Chaeyeon’s gaze--it was the metallic staircase they took down from the halls that lead to their dorms. She returned her attention to Chaeyeon, smiling playfully, remembering how everything seemed to revolve around stairs with them.
"What happens if I trip and fall?"
She expected Chaeyeon’s usual playful I’ll catch you, something she would always say since their Produce days.
"Then I'll come help you up and kiss your bruises away."
She blinked, Chaeyeon’s response was just as playful, but it was completely different than what she expected. A small flush brushed her cheeks, Sakura would excuse it as the cold winter wind, but would never admit the actual reason. She pushed Chaeyeon playfully, “I-I’m not that bad. I can walk up the stairs on my own.”
To prove her point, she turned her back and took two (careful) steps up. With no accidental trip or fall, she turned around, her back straight and head tilted slightly higher. “See!”
Chaeyeon smiled, giggling lightly as she folded her arms. “I’ll wait for you to get inside. Don’t worry about me. Just make sure to take care of yourself!”
With one last goodbye and take care, Sakura finally ascended the metal staircase. Somehow each step didn’t feel as heavy anymore and perhaps the journey back up the metaphorical staircase she built in her mind wasn’t so frightening.
It felt like forever since Sakura experienced this rush of adrenaline and shakes of nerves.
The backstage was sort-of littered with people around, every single staff member covered in masks and doing their best to keep their distance between each other while running around and setting up for the upcoming music stage. Their stylist spent extra time on each and everyone of them, wanting their first time back on stage to be the best and the prettiest.
The stylist lowered the blow dryer before extending out her hands slowly and settled Sakura’s long hair over her shoulders. “The highlights look good on you.” Sakura couldn’t see her mouth, but from the way her eyes lit up, she had a wide smile. “This style suits you.”
Her body hunched over slightly as Sakura lowered her head and mumbled a sincere thanks. The stylist laughed quietly, patting her, and wishing her luck before letting her go while she called for the next member. Sakura slipped out, laughing at Yuri who came in after her with a giant yawn and sleepy eyes. She looked like she just woke up from her nap.
Normally Sakura would wait in the waiting room as all of the members did when they were preparing for their stage, but she ended up making a slight detour, going towards the backstage where their stage was being set up. She entered quietly, greeting the staff there and stood off to the side to observe. The flashing lights, the booming beats of their song FIESTA playing in the background as staff were doing checks on sound and stage effects...
It was a blessing that she would be able to witness and experience this all over again, especially after the unknowns that blanketed their group the past few months.
Her eyes trailed backstage, looking at all the various lines, wires, and props that were around. She came across a set of stairs that would lead them onto the stage and felt her heart thump. This was just the start of their journey back.
“Nervous?”
A pair of warm arms snaked around her waist from behind and a chin rested against her shoulder. In that moment, Sakura was reminded of all the times they’ve been together like this backstage, realizing that this was just another step-up on the metaphorical staircase she built in her mind. A hand lowered, touching Chaeyeon’s lightly but the other pushed her cheek away.
“What happened to social distancing?”
Chaeyeon laughed and Sakura smiled, it also felt like forever since she heard such a carefree laugh from her.
“We live in the same dorm, don’t be like that.” A pout followed and Chaeyeon inched closer to her cheek teasingly before pulling away. She stood up straight, giving a small distance between the two of them, but her arms continued to rest on her waist--something they’ve done since forever. “The stage looks pretty, doesn’t it?”
“Mm.” Sakura nodded, her eyes darting around. Compared to the last time they performed for M Countdown (during Violeta promotions), the stage was blanketed in dark, luscious colours with boards of flowers set up on the side to make their stage more beautiful. The flowers even took to a darker tone. It was the first time they had such a darker coloured stage compared to Violeta which contained more variance in brighter colours. “I’m glad to be back.”
Chaeyeon hummed in agreement, her eyes turned to Sakura as her fingers came up and twirled a lock of her dark hair. “Me too. I’m glad that everyone will be able to see this Kkura.”
Sakura blinked as she faced Chaeyeon. Relief was written all over Chaeyeon’s face as she played with Sakura’s hair. Sakura could only smile back as she mimicked Chaeyeon’s actions with her hair that rested on her shoulders. “Let’s be honest.” She whispered, a teasing smile propping up, “We all know you’re the most excited to be dancing on stage again.”
There was another familiar laugh and a small tongue sticking out like Chaeyeon had been caught. “I won’t deny that.”
Their hands pulled back, finding a place by their sides as they glanced back at the stage ahead, greeting more of the staff who came by. It was a busy time for all of them.
“Did you see the stairs?” Chaeyeon asked, her eyes falling upon the small staircase that Sakura was looking at earlier. Of course, she would bring up the stairs, the small group of steps that became a part of their lives.
“I did.” Sakura mumbled as her eyes followed Chaeyeon’s to the group of steps that lead to the stage. “They’re not as terrifying as everything else we’ve faced.”
She recalled the first set of steps, the one that lead to a chair with the number “1”.
She recalled the second set of steps, the one where even though she was at the top, she was powerless and weak.
She recalled the third set of steps, a modified version of the first set of steps but indicated much more.
She recalled the fourth set of steps, the final variation of the first and third set of steps. Even though she was once again at the top, she could only cry up there while there was someone she cared for at the bottom.
She recalled the fifth set of steps, the one that formed in her mind once they made it together.
She recalled the sixth set of steps, the one that seemed impossible to climb after being pushed down to the bottom.
They were all terrifying experiences, no matter how big or small they were… But she was able to overcome all of them, together, with everyone who stayed by her side.
In particular, with one person by her side.
“Want to test them out?”
Chaeyeon held out her hand to Sakura as she stepped forward, inching towards the small stage steps ahead of them. Sakura blinked, possibly weighing out the positives and negatives behind taking this endeavor with Chaeyeon--the stage manager could get mad at them if they end up breaking something.
But.
Her hand clasped Chaeyeon’s gently and let her lead her forward.
Metaphorically, staircases, stairways, or steps were indications of a goal or a challenge that someone wants to meet. Sakura constantly thought about her next goal, her next challenge in life that she put at the top of the staircase, always wanting to push forward, and become something bigger than what she already was. Each step towards her goal, she knew her fans and her members, in both HKT48 and IZ*ONE would be with her each step of the way.
But with Chaeyeon’s hand in hers, Sakura knew that Chaeyeon would be there to catch her at any point if she fell.