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It all started the day I entered the 104th training corps. I had never really seen the world at all before then, I still haven’t seen much of it now but I did make it outside the walls. You would be so proud. I was 15, you were 16. It was hard at first, I wasn’t athletic or outdoor loving but the lifestyle suited you just fine. We shared the same dream. I hope your dreams came true.
That was the day I saw in technicolour for the first time. Trees really were green, the sky was blue, your eyes were brown. I had no idea how to react at first, I thought it was a childrens story told to us by our mothers to encourage to do something with our lives. It wasn’t an epiphany, there was no major celebration, in fact, I was just a little bit scared.
Not scared because I could finally see the beauty of the world, but because someone near me was my destiny. Hah. Yeah. Right.
We spent the next weeks and months making friends with each other, it seemed like everyone else had already been seeing for ‘real’ for a long time and I thought I was the last until you told me. You were the same.
It was a cold, clear night in the winter, we had been sent out on a night training exercise. Our cloaks pulled up to our ears, the wind too strong for hoods. Rucksacks weighing us down at every possible opportunity. We had walked for miles when we finally reached the peak. It was stunning.
I got there first, you had to run a little to catch up, idiot. You had longer legs than I ever will. We sat on the edge of the mountain in the cold, in silence. The view in front of us is not one I will ever forget. The lake was shining in the moonlight, rather than a mix of greys, the water was dark blue. The moon white, the trees deep green and the stars flickering in yellows and reds.
“Wow.” Was all you could manage as you sat down next to me, our shoulders touching, thighs touching as our feet hung over the edge. It could have been the edge of oblivion for all I cared. I just turned and smiled at you.
“I never realised the world could be so colourful, even at night.” You said, your eyes wide, soaking up the brilliance.
“Me neither.” Two words were all I said, but you knew.
“Jean… you… uh… you too?” You turned to face me again, eyes still wide, your bangs flicking your face with the wind. “That day. I mean.”
I just started to laugh, I look back now and wish I hadn’t. Perhaps I should have said something rather than standing up and starting to walk back down the mountain. I should have noticed that you were the brightest thing to me, even in the dark.
In the second year, we made a pact. To graduate in the top ten and work in the military police together. That night we snuck out of the cabin, back to that mountain peak. We had found a shortcut to the point by now, the journey taking less time. We sat on the peak, legs hanging over, shoulder to shoulder.
“I want to join the military police.” I told you. You frowned at first, but that soon vanished as you smiled.
“Really Jean? Thats great!” You put an arm around my shoulder, “Me too!”
“No way. Awesome.” I said, a smile pulled at my lips.
You pulled a tiny knife out of the top of your boot, always prepared. You cut your palm slightly and held the knife out to me. The blood was red. We hadn’t done any kind of training that had involved blood so far, and I had never seen it in colour before.
“Its.. red.” I just stared blankly at your hand, dumbfounded by the beauty of something so important. You just smiled and nodded at me.
“Lets graduate together, and work together for the rest of time?”
I took the knife, cut my palm and we shook. A blood pact. We laughed together, holding hands, the blood dripping onto the white of our trousers. Such a stark contrast, the red on white. Sometimes I can feel the exact line where I cut my hand that night, I have far too many scars to even count now though. After everything, I didn’t keep my end of the deal either.
The third and fourth years passed quickly in comparison. We had a goal to work toward, and we worked hard together. I kept wondering who had made my world so bright. During the summer months the sun was bright, yet the winter sun was brighter still. I saw the changing on the seasons, green to yellow, orange, red to brown. We spoke about it once. Do you remember? We were sitting the woods during our break on a maneuver gear training session. We sat at the edge of the group, the others making a racket over who was the fastest.
“So, who do you think it is?” I asked you, nudging your shoulder with mine slightly.
“Hmm?” You looked at me as if I was mad, asking an impossible question.
“The one who let you see, idiot.” I nudged you again, we laughed together.
“I don’t know who it is, but I know who I would like it to be.” Your eyes locked with mine for a few seconds, neither of us looked away until the instructor called us up again.
“Tell me later!” I shouted as I shot off into the trees, chasing after Eren.
“Never!” You called back with a laugh as you followed Ymir.
You know how much it annoyed me, to know what you wanted someone to be your soulmate, and you didn’t tell me? I wished it was me, repeatedly. I was such an idiot. I still am.
I didn’t notice it back then, but your gaze used to linger on me during training. The way you always laughed at my jokes, and were always on my side of the argument. During the colder months we would bunk together to keep warm. I am going to be honest with you now, I really miss falling asleep in your arms.
During our final year of training, you confessed to me. I call it a confession because at the time I had no idea. Hindsight is a great, if not painful gift.
Two days before graduation we went up to the peak in the middle of the night. It was summer, and was still warm. We pulled our jackets off and sat on them, I even kicked my boots off, careful to make sure they didn’t fall off the edge. Would you have carried me back if they had?
The sky was shining with stars, pure colour bursts against a jet black background. The moon was full and red. Red moons were said to be lucky for crops. Turns out it was just a omen. At least, thats how I see it.
“Hey Jean,” You move away from me slightly, separating our shoulders as you turn to sit facing me, “You never told me either.”
“Huh? Tell you what?” I shook my head at you as you peered at me, your brown eyes lit up by the moonlight. I could almost see the stars in them. I don’t look at the stars anymore.
“Who you think your soulmate is? Remember?” Of course I remembered. We always joked with each other about who it could be during 3DMG training, probably because it meant I could say that I hoped it was you without you hearing, the wind blasting your ears.
“Well, we can be sure it isn’t Mikasa.” I said with a playful frown. I stopped liking her ages ago. She only has eyes for Eren. Even though her eyes are beautiful. They still are in a way.
“Haha, come on, be serious!” You punched my arm, but you were too slow to pull it away before I grabbed it.
I held your hand tight in the space between us. Your eyes went wide, and a slight shade of pink tinted your cheeks and probably mine. I was too busy avoiding my reflection in your eyes to notice.
“Only if you tell me first.” I said. Slowly. Quietly. Both of us were barely breathing, you went to pull your hand back slightly, the movement caused our eyes to lock.
“You.” It was all you said. You looked sad, why did you look so sad. I was there wasn’t I? I swallowed hard, and leant in. Your lips were soft, a pale shade of pink against the brown of your freckles, and the deep brown hair you always parted down the middle. Some of my favourite colours.
The day before graduation, you were 21, I was 20. After all the effort we put in, we were going to graduate in the top ten. We were finally able to go to the interior together. Just like we had promised. The red stains on our trousers, the pink scars left on our hands. The changing colour of the leaves as we joked about our soulmates, the jet black sky and the blood red moon.
It was a day from hell. I don’t know why we got separated after we left the garrison. Where did you go? Why couldn’t I follow? I had never seen so much blood before. The red that was once beautiful was now horrific. The pale pallor your skin had to it first thing in the morning when you were really tired, mimicked in the titans, made me sick. The silver of our blades, and the brown of our jackets all stained, tarred black and red with mud, dirt and blood. Not all of it our own.
I was running down a street, my 3DMG wasn’t working, I was so scared, but I kept it together. I was being chased, corner after corner. I wasn’t fast enough. I ducked into a house and shut the door. Sitting on the floor, panting. Out the window I notice one of our comrades. Dead. But with their gear still intact. I looked out the window, and made a run for it. A stupid idea. If you hadn’t have seen me, would you have come and helped? Would you have left the safety of the wall?
Looking back I should have stayed. The green capes of the survey corps could have been seen from the top of the wall, back from their latest mission outside. If only I had stayed there until it was safe.
The gear I took from the body was working, sort of. I had to run along the ground, struggling to get off the ground. I bounced off walls, off the floor, off roofs. I saw you fly past, distracting the titans who were following me, getting closer and closer. That was the last I saw of you. That was the last I saw of anything.
I was walking down the road when everything went black. Well, black and white. The red stains on the floor and walls, now only a deeper shade of grey, compared the the light grey brickwork. My jacket no longer brown, my boots matching the blood stains in grey despair. I looked up, there you were. Slumped against the side of the building.
“Marco?”
I have no idea if it was a delayed reaction or anything. But I had no idea everything would go back to how it was when you died. Looking at your wounds, there was no way you hadn’t died instantly. Was I seeing colours because I believed you were waiting for me? Because the next day we were going to be sharing a room at the Military Police HQ? Because I could still feel the warmth of your hands around mine?
It has been 10 years, I’m 30 now. Are you still even listening? I’m sorry. You know I like to ramble. It’s your birthday, 31. Old man. I’m sorry for not speaking to you sooner, but I have been busy.
And guess where I am. That mountain peak. Where we sat for the first time, made our blood pact, hid our feelings from each other, shared our first and only kiss. It sucks to be up here alone.
I brought you some flowers. Pink, red, yellow, and orange. I remember that you liked orange. Autumn was your favourite season. I can’t guarantee that the flowers are actually those colours though. I might have been outside the walls and seen the world but I haven’t seen anything since you.