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Lord Babington helped his wife, Esther, from the carriage and held her hand as they walked into the house. The butler took their coats.
“You go ahead and get ready for bed, Esther. I’m not tired yet, I’ll have a drink in my study,” said John.
“Very well, dearest, but don’t be long, I need you to keep me warm,” replied Esther and she kissed his cheek before going upstairs with her maid.
John dismissed the butler and retired to his study. Their evening had been enjoyable, dinner at a fellow lord’s with good company. Lively discussion over dinner and then music afterwards was usual for an evening’s sojourn and the time passed pleasantly. John contributed much to the conversations and debates with the men whilst catching glimpses of Esther passionately talking to one of the ladies. He always thought how beautiful she looked when despatching her opinion so eloquently.
In the musical interlude, they played a duet together at the piano. Esther did not like to play on her own but deigned to perform if John joined her. It was a treat to play with her – she was not as terrible as she kept saying, and it was an excuse to be near her when in public.
It was later on in the evening, when the guests mingled to converse with each other, that John sensed his mood turning to one he had only experienced twice before and hoped would never again haunt him. It developed as a small knot in his stomach and a slight melancholy to his disposition. He recognised the trigger – he was currently on the outskirts of a conversation and thus taking more notice of other couples at the party.
His eyes roamed and he noticed the glances husbands and wives gave each other - when they were talking together or from across the room.
These looks incorporated various elements - the widening of the eyes, the softening of the gaze, the small smiles on their lips. They lasted a second or two longer than would a normal glance.
Were these glances only more noticeable to him as he was jealous of them?
He wondered if others saw these expressions on his face when looking at his wife. Those feelings of adoration, love and desire were all present inside him in abundance. He felt them so strongly for Esther that he was sure his face must give them away every time he looked at her.
But he did not see those feelings in Esther’s face. She smirked after a witty remark, and sometimes gave him a daring look following a sharp retort. He was met with a nod of the head if she saw him looking across the room and a wide-eyed stare if he was closer.
She rarely initiated physical contact – it was only these last few months she had started kissing his cheek or going to hold his hand voluntarily.
When he first met her, he was attracted by her honesty. She was always forthright in her remarks and to experience that from someone was so refreshing after the years of pretence and deceit encountered due to social etiquette and discussing politics in London. That truthful quality had captured his heart immediately, and even after her first rejection he could not remove her from his mind nor his heart.
When he courted her the second time, he knew she had been in love with her step-brother and was struggling to recover from his betrayal and years of manipulation. He did not expect success from his attempts for a while, if at all.
Her eventual acceptance of his hand was a surprise, but he was overjoyed. His heart could shower her with love, and he would strive to make her happy. She was explicit in her lack of love for him but, at the time, he thought he had enough love for them both. Just to be with her was exciting and intoxicating, she surprised him at every turn.
But this evening, the sour mood descended and he struggled to shake it off. This state was not due to any shortcomings on Esther’s part - she was a great partner in life. She supported him in his work with Sidney and at the House, and hosted dinner parties even though it was not her preference.
They spent their time together enjoying walking, horse-riding and reading. If he was frustrated, she had encouraging words for him, and if tired or miserable, there were witty remarks to cheer him up.
She offered herself to him in the marriage bed and he delighted in satisfying her. After some coaxing, she learnt the ways to satisfy him and he believed them to be just as intimate compared to other couples.
Much of the time he was content with his life. In work and play, Esther was always there as an equal partner to him and he was thankful every day that she accepted him to be her husband.
However, this was the third time in the eighteen months since they were married that he felt the ache of discontent. The ache grew in his gut and manifested as a loss of his friendly demeanour and a need to be apart from his wife for a day or two, so that he missed her company and would be jolted out of the melancholy. He needed to appreciate their relationship as it was. Esther was extraordinary, and he would love her until his dying day.
Yet he still yearned for a few little looks from her – looks that returned a fraction of the love he conveyed. He scolded himself for wishing it.
Her personality was a little different to many of the other ladies in London and that is why he married her. Surely, he should not expect her to act the same as them?
The ways and means she used every day to support him showed how much she cared – an hour in her company with some witty banter and lively discussion stirred him from any bad temper and holding her in his arms at night warmed his body and his heart. He should not need evidence in a look to show how much she cared – the need was selfish.
He took a gulp of his drink and strived to banish the sad mood from his mind. A tear leaked from his eye and he brushed it away frustrated. He was determined to be content in this relationship – Esther had accepted his offer to make her happy and be a trustworthy companion, and he would not let her down.
Although they had always expressed the desire to have no pretence between them, this was one pretence he would have to keep. He could not share with her what made him unhappy sometimes – she was not to blame if her feelings were expressed differently to others.
With renewed vigour to keep his promise, he took one last drink and rose to go to bed.
As he turned, he saw Esther in the doorway. He quickly averted his gaze so she would not see the sadness in his expression.
“Are you unhappy, John?”
Her voice trembled and tears filled her eyes.
John quickly moved to her and clasped her hands in his. “No, no, my dearest. I am happy with you, very happy.”
“I saw you this evening, the shadows that ran across your face. You pushed them back for a while, but they returned in the carriage. Tell me what is wrong.”
John’s guilt and shame overwhelmed him. He did not wish to upset her with his jealousy. To banish the sour mood, he squeezed her hands tightly, trying to grasp onto all her qualities that he loved and cherished.
“John look at me.” She said it in her stern voice, the one where John did not dream of disobeying.
He looked at her, seeing her wide eyes staring back at him.
“I saw you watching how other couples interact. I think you want me to show my feelings and emotions for you in the same way. I believe I am showing more of my sentiments every day that I am with you. But you have shown so much of you to me from the very first day we met, that I have a lot of catching up to do.”
Tears streamed down her face and she took a shaky breath whilst pulling their clasped hands to her heart.
“I love you, John, very much. It has taken me a while to get here, and a lot of courage to say it, but seeing your face this evening, I knew I had to make my sentiments understood. I am happy with you as my husband, and I hope that you are proud to have me as your wife.”
John was astonished, listening to Esther’s heartfelt confession. He pulled her into his arms and pressed his face into her neck. Tears slipped out of his eyes unabashed.
“Esther! Esther, I love you so much and have always been proud to have you as my wife. To hear you say that you love me has filled me with joy.”
He stood back a little, still holding her but now looking deeply into her eyes.
“I am sorry that I allowed other couples' intimacies to detract from what we have. I know that you have endeavoured in every way to be the best wife for me and I appreciate all that you do for me. I only hope that I can repay you with my love and devotion for the rest of my life.”
Esther’s sombre face relaxed and a small smile appeared. John leaned forward to give her an emotional kiss into which they both poured all their love. When they went to bed that night, they held each other close, a new bond formed that would remain strong forever.