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Su Xunxian is a man of culture, knowledgeable in business and arts. He could tell, with only one glance, what is something's price. But Xunxian's eye is especially keen when it comes to his most valuable treasure.
Without any effort, he distinguishes his most beloved friend's emptiness. Beitang Moran loses his shine at the lack of Luo Feifei's presence in his mansion. He is not the same man he has known all of his life, the man worthy of worship and praise from all around him. How could such a crude woman dull the brightest of stars? Su Xunxian cannot fathom, much less tolerate, even the mere idea of it, which taints his entire mouth with a bad taste that overpowers and floods his insides.
"Moran. We grew up together. I've never seen you so upset. You are not upset for sending Miss Luo into the palace, right?" And his precious lord, his most cherished friend, merely stares blankly out into the garden, eyes still, but heart definitely searching, wandering aimlessly in pain. "You know you couldn't hide it from me. So don't even bother now, huh? To me, women are the same. Miss Luo, she has got some character, and is a little crazy, but other than that, she has nothing special."
Nothing worth of you. Moran, women are all the same, because none can compare to you. None could ever reach you, so untouchable and perfect in this night. The clearest of celestial diamonds, a perfect, pure pearl against the background of an endless sky. Moran keeps staring, but Su Xunxian reads his face perfectly like mapping constellations. His eyes have hardened minutely.
I have memorized every little part of you with my heart throughout the years, but can never let you know, for fear you cast me away from your side. I would surely die, then, without the voice that guides me through the dark. So I keep pretending to be aloof and carefree, as long as I may see your face. And my heart will secretly belong to you. Always to you.
...
"Once you start loving somebody, you forget everything else," Xunxian states with an air of indifference while his heart clenches to a point in which he thinks it might explode. He knows these words are true; he has had no thought other than serving Moran for decades. He lives and will die for him.
"I think you're too sentimental today," Moran attempts to counter with obvious discomfort at his best friend's attempts to meddle in his heartbreak. "I'm not being emotional, I just feel happy for you, my lord. There's a saying that goes like: A beauty's smile overwhelms the nation. Even a gentleman is also willing to die for that."
You are the smile that has overwhelmed my entire existence, and I would really die for it.
Moran grows colder and more distant, not thinking it might hurt him, only wallowing in his own despair. But that's okay, Xunxian can continue to pretend with his calculated lies. I can take care of myself.
...
But it hurts to drink alone, trying to fill the space where his heart once was with wine, because it left him forever.
Never to return to me, just like Moran, who did not wish for my company in his travels even when I offered it freely. Envying me for not being muddled? The fact that I can see things more clearly than everyone else is the very reason why my heart aches for you. You are the dream I wished to indulge in.
All that's left is to hope Beitang Moran might get drunk on Su Xunxian's love if they ever met again.
He yearns, tumbles into foreign beds with countless women and men. He tries to override his drunken stupor with more alcohol, more desires to fuel his heart, but the only thing burning through his veins is his love for Moran.
Xunxian's ever-present, untroubled and mellow smile shatters like wine glass every time he finds himself alone in his chambers. And out comes, pouring out of his eyes, the fiery liquid that boils over in his chest and his loins whenever the thought of Moran conquered all of his senses.
Oh, how he misses him!
...
The heaviness in his step and his heart is still clearly there, possessing the Aquarius Master who was returned to witness the love of his life marrying his nephew.
The atmosphere is dense with sadness all around him, and Su Xunxian decides to leave his devotion aside for later. They can catch up when the time is right.
Yet, that time never comes. Wedding preparations, enemy infiltrations and murders come crashing into their lives like meteors.
The next thing he knows, his punctured stomach and bleeding mouth are what catches Moran's attention. A revelation, an epiphany, and he realizes Moran still holds Luo Feifei in his heart, but now there is an open space for the man he has only just realized is the most faithful, the most loving. Xunxian feels blessed because, at last, he has finally been acknowledged.
He is at death's door, and he must continue to spew lies for the sake of sparing his beloved's feelings. He reinforces a promise of shared wine and guqin melodies even as his eyesight becomes blurred and blackened. And when that pained smile he has etched into hos very skin twitches with hope, Su Xunxian allows himself to let go.
Until we meet again in our next life, Moran. Just follow the stars and you will find me.
Always yours.