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Severus had gotten used to Harry's schedule over the months of living together. He would always go out on Friday nights with his friends and have dinner at his parents' house every second Saturday. Severus hadn't been back since their first encounter, but Harry insisted that his mum had always asked how he was going.
Friday nights were what worried him. Harry came back intoxicated every time, and, to his horror, had once thought Harry had stayed at his friend for the night only to find he'd passed out in the front yard. He had wanted to tell Harry to ease up, but who was he to tell Harry not to enjoy his time out? Harry would probably assume he was trying to be controlling, and he would query his friends who would undoubtedly tell him that it was bad advice, that Severus was bad, and that he should leave him.
He had been patient with Harry, taking care of him through the occasional Saturday hangovers and driving him to his parents house for dinner in the odd instance he hadn't been well enough to drive himself, but ultimately he did care about Harry's health and wellbeing, as well as his social life, and he hadn't wanted to impede on that. Not after everyone close to Harry had shown, and voiced, their disapproval of him.
...
He sat down at the cafe, waiting for Albus to arrive. He had to be thankful to the man, after all, he had helped him through a lot. He had always offered Severus work, and assisted him with his research. An indisputably close friend.
"Can't wait for tonight."
"Seeing everyone, you mean?" replied a familiar voice.
"If only you'd been there last week. Should have seen Harry. Right proper mess."
Severus ears burned at the mention of his partners name. He looked over his shoulder, not surprised to see the Weasley boy and Hermione standing just a few feet from him. He was sure they hadn't noticed him, so he didn't feel particularly apprehensive about eavesdropping.
"What happened?" Hermione asked.
"Saw him following after this girl who was all over him. Caught them snogging later. He was shitfaced."
Hermione shook her head. "His drinking on Fridays is getting ridiculous. Perhaps you should talk to him before that loser of a partner tries to talk him out of listening to you, or telling Harry that he can't come out at all."
Severus realised he was grinding his teeth and released the tension from his jaw. He breathed in and out a few times, not wanting to let any anger overtake him. It wasn't worth it. He looked over his shoulder to see the two of them had walked across the street.
"Sorry for making you wait, Severus," Albus said, his voice soft, feeble in his old age.
"No, you're fine, I was early."
"As always."
Albus spoke of renewing contracts and other University related topics, Severus could hardly focus, his thoughts infiltrated by visions of Harry cheating on him. He could hardly stomach it.
"Severus? Are you alright?"
"I'll will be."
The older man nodded. "Well, as I was saying-"
"I'll agree to your contract. But I don't want five, I want two years."
"Very well. I won't debate with you, as I don't think I'll best you this time."
...
Severus was packing away reference books when he was interrupted by the painful thought that Harry would be out tonight with his friends.
He felt deflated. Could Harry really cheat on him? Was Harry lonely? Craving the affection of someone his own age?
He had fallen hard for Harry. He had done so before he had time to realise it. Every time he saw someone look at him or flirt with him, although Harry was totally oblivious, it made him feel incredibly jealous. How could he tell Harry that he wasn't feeling enough? Would Harry understand? Would Harry find him pathetic?
He set the book he was holding down, his chest tight. He swallowed hard, his breathing laboured. He hadn't been so affected by anything like for a while. Probably not since he found out Lily had married James, perhaps once he found out he had been invited to the wedding, but the invitation had remained unsent, possibly destroyed.
He wished Lupin had never told him about the invitation. He supposed the other man had thought he was doing him a favour, a feeble apology for years of torment. That had only made Severus feel worse.
He finished putting the books back, choosing to sit down at the computer, pretending to look busy, lost in thought.
...
He hadn't meant to avoid Harry. He just so happened to have to work late, and get home late, and sleeping in the spare bedroom had been so he wouldn't wake Harry up on his return.
Their routine of coffee in the morning, followed by a quick, passionless goodbye and a commute into the University had continued. Severus had found it hard to even look at Harry, taking his own lack of self-confidence out on his young lover. He felt guilty about it, but he couldn't reconcile the feelings he had, and he had no way to express them as of yet.
Pathetic.
But Harry had hardly seemed concerned about the lack of intimacy, and if he was, he hadn't said anything about it.
Perhaps there really was someone out there, filling in that need for him.
...
He hadn't wanted to snap. He had tried to keep his composure.
But Harry coming home drunk with lipstick on his cheek had been the last straw.
"You're a mess, Harry, go and shower and sober up before you come near me," he said, his voice low as Harry had tried to kiss him.
"What?" Harry asked, clearly confused. "Sev, is everything okay?"
"Not particularly. Have you seen the state of yourself?"
Harry recoiled, looking away.
"Are you disgusted by me?" Severus asked, needing Harry to be honest with him.
"What?" Hurt flashed across Harry's face. "No. I love-"
"Is it the age difference? Have you found someone your own age?" Severus asked bitterly. He didn't want to be the resentful old man he was seemingly turning into. "If you don't want to commit to me, you're welcome to go."
Harry stood in front of him, slack jawed. "What? Someone my own age?" he asked slowly. "What... what is going on?" he asked. "Why wouldn't I be committed to you. I asked you to date me."
"I overheard your friends taking about you being affectionate with other people."
"Is this why you haven't wanted to fuck me lately?" Harry asked. "Why you don't kiss me before I leave for work? Why you won't sleep in the same bed as me? In our bed?!" he questioned, brows furrowed.
"I don't know who you've been with," he replied briskly.
Harry rested his hand over his heart, "I promise you that I haven't slept with anyone else. Ever. You know I was a virgin when I met you, and I haven't kissed anyone else. Not in like, four years. I don't know what you overheard or who said it, but it isn't true."
"Ron. He was taking to Hermione about it. About last Friday-"
Harry groaned, pressing into his eyes with the heel of his hand. "That isn't what happened."
"What happened?" Severus asked.
"I was harassed at the bar by this girl Ron told I was single. We were all drunk, but I managed to avoid her, and she found some other guy who looked a bit like me. They made out. I paid the tab and left."
Severus raised a brow. "Ah yes, the doppelganger."
"Severus, it wasn't like that. I love you so much. I do. Don't kick me out. I'm sorry." He started crying. He looked so much like a child, standing in front of him, fat tears dripping down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he repeated, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Severus waist. "I love you. I'll stop going out if that's what you want. I'll stay here with you. I don't need to go out. I just need you."
Severus felt a tug in his heart. He sighed, rubbing Harry's back. "No. I don't want that. I would never tell you that you can't go out. I just believed your friend. Why would he lie?"
"If they knew you were there they might have said that... because Hermione doesn't..."
"Approve of me."
Harry nodded.
Severus sighed, realising the stress Harry must be under with not only his parents, but his friends disapproving of his relationship. It obviously hadn't helped that he had also put the pressure on Harry by not just being upfront with him in the first place. He felt awful. He had never wanted to hurt him. He loved Harry so much, but in loving him, he had become jealous. He hadn't want this. He kissed the top of Harry's head. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I haven't taken a lot of things into account. I never wanted to upset you."
Harry wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "What do you mean?" he asked, his face puffy from crying.
"Let's sit down and talk," he suggested, grabbing two wine glasses and a bottle of wine, generously filling the glasses. He passed one to Harry.
Harry started drinking it like it was water, causing Severus to take the glass off him. "Ease up."
"Sorry," Harry replied.
"Don't be. Perhaps we should discuss this in the morning. I feel like I can't have this conversation with you without drinking."
"I want to drink with you," Harry moaned. "I want to be near you."
Severus stood back up, holding his hand out for Harry who took it, helping him up. "I think," he said, passing Harry's glass into his hand. "That we will talk in the morning."
Harry finished the glass of wine and picked up Severus', drinking his too.
"You're a mess, my love. Let's go to bed."
Harry's eyes darted to his, Severus was sure it was because of the pet name. They rarely used pet names, but Severus wanted to calm Harry down, keep his attention and get him into the bedroom so he could sleep it off.
He helped Harry up the stairs and into the bedroom. "Are you going to shower?"
Harry shook his head, taking his clothes off and throwing them on the ground.
Severus sighed, picking them up on the way and placed them in the hamper. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked Harry, tucking him into bed.
"You always said that you weren't one for affection... I think you were wrong."
Severus kissed his forehead. "I just hadn't met you yet."
"So you're not mad at me?" Harry asked, a few years sliding down his cheeks.
"No. I'm mad at myself. I'm sorry I doubted you," he said, sitting next to Harry and wiping away his young lovers newly shed tears. "I'm sorry."
"I didn't ever want to upset you," Harry sniffled.
"I know you didn't. I'm sorry. You can sleep now." He stood up and went to leave the room.
"You're not staying?" Harry asked quietly.
"Would you like me to?"
"I want you too. I missed this so much."
Severus nodded, undressing and pulling on a t-shirt, climbing into bed. Harry latched onto him, hugging him tightly. "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologising."
"No. I never wanted to hurt you. And you're the one who keeps apologising."
"I need to. Because I don't know how to fix what I've done."
"Just talk to me in the future. I missed you so much. I thought... that you didn't love me."
"I love you more than I have loved anybody. Now, get some sleep. We'll talk in the morning.
...
Severus rarely cooked anymore, Harry being the better at cooking out of the two of them, but, in a pathetic effort to please Harry, he made him pancakes and took them up for him to enjoy in bed.
"You didn't have to. Water would have sufficed," Harry said, nursing what Severus could assume was a hell of a hangover.
"I owe you more than just breakfast."
"First things first," Harry said, a mouth full of pancake, "we need to make up a week's worth of sex. Secondly, I should get out of bed and make your coffee. Then my day will feel normal."
"Don't rush, enjoy your breakfast first. Then we discuss your other suggestions."
Harry nodded a bit too enthusiastically. "Sounds good." He looked next to him at the bedside table, reading the time on the alarm clock, the faint lipstick mark still on his cheek.
"Who's lipstick was that?"
Harry frowned, his fingers touching his lips. "Lipstick?"
"On your cheek."
"Oh... that would have been Luna's. She is one of my friends who I haven't seen in a while. She has been looking for Yowies in Australia with her fiancé. I haven't seen her in almost two years," he added. "I missed her a lot. We were really close in school."
Severus blinked a few times. "Yowies?"
"Yeah, I guess they're like Australian bigfoot."
Severus nodded. "Of course."
"Was our fight last night because of the lipstick?" Harry asked cautiously.
"It did set me off," Severus admitted. "I'm sorry."
"No. I am. If I wasn't so careless this wouldn't have even happened.”
"How so?"
"Because I was setting myself up for failure. I'm not going to get drunk anymore. I took advantage of the fact I live with you and that I don't have to go to my parents house a mess... and in doing so I could have fucked up the only thing that means anything to me. Which is you."
"If it wasn't for my insecurities... I would have been able to just tell you how I felt. But I've never been good at expressing how I feel. So I need to work on that."
Harry touched his arm, rubbing his hand down to Severus' hand and squeezing it. "I want you to know that you can tell me anything. I want you to be open with me."
Severus nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't think I could be."
"No, I can understand. But from now on, we have to be honest with each other," Harry said, his gaze steely.
Severus nodded. "I promise."