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Holden lay in the hospital bed and tried not to look at Bill. The alpha's tone and body language might have been relaxed, but his scent told a different story. Not that Holden blamed him. He felt his heart begin to beat faster, and he forced himself to stay calm. He turned his attention to the doctor who was explaining what panic disorder was.
“It could happen again?” Holden's voice held a note of desperation. He needed this to be a one time aberration, not a sword hanging over his head.
“You need to manage your stress, especially as an omega.” The doctor rattled on cheerfully. “Adult omegas who don't mate have higher instances of anxiety.”
“Is that right.” Bill remarked with a smile as if the doctor had just told him something he didn't already know.
Holden willed the doctor not to bring up his status again in front of Bill. Waking up in a hospital, restrained and panicky, was bad enough without the prospect of a repeat performance and more ammunition for his alpha coworker. He didn't want Bill to see him wearing a gown, lying in a hospital bed, looking confused and helpless. At least that was how Holden felt. Confused and helpless in the face of an unexpected mental issue he didn't fully understand. But who else was going to come for him, and did that say something? Holden hurriedly pushed the thought away.
He dressed feeling slow and stupid from the heat suppressants that hospitals always gave their omega inpatients, just in case. He tried not to think of Bill's exit from the room. The man had reeked of irritation. Holden sighed. It was going to be a long trip home.
He found himself sliding into submissive omega behavior, something he normally tried not to do. But being berated by an unsympathetic alpha on an airplane after a hospital stint had broken down his defenses considerably. That and he couldn't really blame Bill for his lack of sympathy. He had acted rashly, and he had caused Bill to fly out and bring him home. Holden's gaze flicked briefly over to the alpha sitting safely on the other side of the aisle. A small blessing in Holden's current state.
He asked himself for the umpteenth time what had possessed him to see Ed, especially alone. Was it just a feeling of guilt, of being somehow responsible for Ed's suicide attempt? He shifted uncomfortably, embarrassed at how easily he allowed Ed to manipulate him. Or did he make poor decisions like this to prove something? Both. I am a fool. Overcompensating for his own status driven insecurities and getting in over his head as a result. If he wanted to show how unstereotypically omega he was and that he didn't need a mate, he had just managed to shoot himself in the foot again. If they weren't in public, in close quarters with other people, Holden was certain he'd be hearing about his omega status from Bill. He glanced over at the alpha again. Bill sat relaxed with his head tipped back against the seat, undoubtedly tired from the trip out to retrieve Holden from the hospital.
Holden spent the rest of the flight trying to doze, but if the drugs had left him in a sleepy haze before, they had worn off now. But if the flight was bad, the prospect of what came next was worse. Alone with Bill in Bill's car. Holden slid into the passenger seat, holding his bag on his lap. Bill's exterior might have seemed uncommunicative, but to an omega who often worked in close proximity to him, his chemical signals spoke volumes. Holden read frustration, worry, annoyance, and something else. He wasn't exactly angry, his ill feelings were tempered by some other emotion.
The amount of information Holden could pick up surprised him. He didn't know when that ability had manifested. Too much time spent in the basement together, traveling together, in hotel rooms together. Breathing in each others' scents. He wondered if there was even any point in holding out, or if it was all inevitable. Nature winning over reason.
Holden started when Bill suddenly broke the heavy silence. “What are you trying to prove, Holden?” He asked, echoing Holden's own earlier thoughts. “Running off like that.”
Holden leaned back against the passenger seat and closed his eyes for a moment. “I don't know - it was a mistake. I should have known better.” He admitted, staring at the black behind his eyelids. “I let myself get too close, I guess.”
“You let Ed play you like a fiddle.” The silence stretched long enough that Holden was surprised when Bill continued in a softer tone. “The doctor was right, you know.”
Holden's body tensed. Four words he was hoping not to hear, The doctor was right. In his moment of confusion, as he attempted to raise his defenses, it occurred to him to wonder if Bill could read his scent as well as he could read Bill's. “That I could have a panic disorder?” Holden knew exactly what the alpha meant, but he wasn't going to make it that easy.
Bill made an exasperated noise. They stopped at a red light, and Holden could feel Bill's gaze resting on him. His focused attention was a palpable thing. “You're an omega. You need to mate – mate, not play around with betas.”
As bad as Holden felt about the current situation with the OPR and the trouble he put Bill through, anger sparked in his chest at the injustice of the remark, even if it did contain a kernel of truth. “Like you're doing?” The words were out before he could stop them. The car began to move again.
“I'm not an omega, Holden, and did it occur to you that I might be trying to save you from making a mistake?”
The anger quickly dissipated, and Holden felt guilty again. It had cost Bill something to admit that. “I'm sorry.” And he was. Sorry for Bill's increasingly difficult relationship with Nancy, both for Bill and what it said about the chances for any of his own future relationships.
“Are you afraid it's going to hurt your career if you admit you're an omega?” Bill went on ignoring the apology. His tone had lost some of it's softness, but Holden didn't sense anger per say. Just tension apparent in the set of his jaw and shoulders.
“I've never lied about my status.” Holden pointed out.
“You're lying to yourself, and look what it's gotten you. A stay in the hospital and a prescription for Valium.” Silence reigned again, heavier this time, full of unspoken thoughts. Of Bill's frustration and Holden's desperation. Suddenly they were stopping outside of Holden's apartment building. “It's not going to ruin your career.” Bill finally broke the silence.
Holden felt a strong hand grip his jaw, firmly but gentle enough not to hurt or trap him. If he wanted to get away, he could, but he couldn't make himself move. Bill's scent wafted over him, a mix of aftershave, cigarette smoke and alpha pheromones. Then his lips were pressed against Holden's. A quiver passed through Holden's belly while his brain and body went to war. He parted his lips without thinking, need briefly overtaking sense. Bill's tongue brushed against his own, briefly teasing, and it was over.
Holden sat stunned for a long moment, before he quickly exited the vehicle. “You're welcome.” Bill intoned before driving away, leaving Holden to stumble upstairs, his heart racing for an entirely different reason.
Holden entered his apartment. It felt even emptier than normal, and he couldn't decide if was a relief or even more depressing. He suddenly realized he was badly in need of a shower, and he felt itchy in his own skin. He suffered a moment of embarrassment that Bill had kissed him despite his obvious need to bathe. He set the bottle of pills down on the bathroom sink. Was this going to be his new reality? Medication to stave off heat symptoms, medication to stave of anxiety. How much time was he going to have to spend in a fog, dependent on a cocktail of chemicals in order to function.
He stripped, glad to be out of his dirty clothing, glad to let the water beat against him. The unclean feeling felt deeper than his skin, and he leaned against the shower and spent several long moments attempting to calm himself. You just have to manage your stress. He told himself, but it was more than that. He would never move through life with the kind of confident dominance that Bill exuded. It wasn't in his makeup. He remembered the feel of Bill's lips against his own and shivered. He wondered if he would have been able to tell Bill 'no' if it had gone on. Did he want to tell Bill 'no'? Holden couldn't say for sure what he wanted anymore.
He toweled himself off roughly, pushing away thoughts of alphas, serial killers and hospitals, pulled on a pair of blessedly clean pajamas and collapsed face down on his empty bed.