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I had the fashion world to thank for my ever-growing knowledge of human to human interactions. When Miles came into the picture, my world shifted sideways, sliding atop a sweaty mix of Vaseline and spit.
What I thought I knew flew out of the window because everything began to feel grim and gross. My days were starting to feel like a hangover, and I slept wrong on the settee. I looked for every physical proof of my own relationship, wondering when forever expires.
I couldn’t bring myself to be mad at Alex, or find a reason beneath his fingertips to blame him. He even woke me up in the middle of the night, his throat humming like my old vibrator. We fucked last night in the kitchen.
Except, he was terrified, his buttons pressed to the highest setting with eyes wide open.
“I don’t think I’m joost, straight,” he blinked at me with a Ginger Spice fervor.
“Ok, well. Who’s on your mind?”
"Miles,"
It was like waiting for your best friend to tell you what their wildest sex fantasy is, but you’re drunk and might not remember how the conversation started in the first place. His cheeks looked like he’d just put on blusher for the first time. I don't think he's joost realised this, though. He was never one to try something new.
I flipped through my memories like a portfolio, looking for that one photoshoot where things went a certain way.
We spent the morning talking about his emotions, but Al would always push it back to me and ask me how I felt about it all. He would push his head into my lap and change between tears and close-to-ok acceptance. He radiated guilt and fear, I was now his forever confidante and was determined to help him figure himself out. I drank his feelings like a can of Dandelion and Burdock, unsure whether I liked the taste, but nonetheless took it all in.
Wearing the Arctic Monkeys tee was a publicity stunt, one that my and Alex’s management agreed on but nevertheless we were over the moon to do. Because it wasn’t that Alex and I weren’t madly in love, we were, and we plan on moving to New York. When The Last Shadow Puppets formed, it was meant to be a publicity stunt. Alex going rogue. He's already been the next big thing, now he's going bigger.
"Suck it and see, Al," I said.
He let out a crazed laugh, wheezing out the panic that filtered through his head. Not even the closeness that he and Miles shared broke him from the oblivion of their realities. Alex somehow decided that loving Miles was a death penalty for his tiny heart, that always held too much love. Loving me, was right at the moment. But, somehow, with the cruelty of scuffed leather and old beer, he was too much of a fool for anyone.
We broke up amicably, and despite Daily Mail’s headlines that we hated each other’s guts and that he was an unfaithful freak, our schedules really just weren’t lining up. My heart was heavy when I realised I needed to call it quits, not that we were suddenly having bouts of fits in the living room, or drifting apart. But I wanted Al to have more.
In the months since Alex’s coming out, donning his proud bisexual identity, and the end of our era of romanticism, he built up the courage to pull inspiration from everything Miles. Alex would call me between breaks in his tour, or on Saturday evenings when he had nothing to do. We caught up, and if we were both in town we’d go for drinks and dinner. We'd go to gay bars, and drag shows, he started watching Manchester matches instead of Sheffield Wednesday.
I only ever managed to exchange a few saucy words with Miles at parties. But I could tell he made Alex happy, in a delightful way. Like when you try to pair glitter and sequins in a barely put together outfit, and it works. He was the Vaseline and brown sugar mix to Alex's love-drought lips.
They always shared cigarettes and sometimes walked hand-in-hand. He was the opposite of Alex, loud and here for everything. He kissed people on the cheek, and always wore a different pair of clicking Chelsea boots. Through them, I understood pride.
Even with Alex’s newfound courage and late-night texts briefing what the night with Miles was like, he asked me to break the news to the band. I never mind the implicit details of his love life, and the first time he wondered if he was suffering heartbreak. He was changing, morphing, adjusting to the new reality that he wanted to live in. He stood behind me with shaky knees and a heavy head. We’re best friends, and I wore my heaviest rings in case I needed to break a nose.
“Boys, Alex is bisexual and he fancies Miles. In fact, they’re an item. Any questions go directly to him.”
Sometimes he doubted himself as if loving Miles was ever worth it. Miles isn't some unreliable character that popped up in the middle of his book, he's a gentleman who knows that love never expires. Alex never could rely on himself.
The look on Matt's face was a winning grin, as if he knew, before me, before Al, before anyone. Nothing changed. So, this was it.
We lost touch years later, things ramped up with my career and he made it big in the States. But I always knew what he was up to, what Miles was up to. They were ruling the world. But we were now in our 30s, matured and gooey with our words. I knew that Alex was still my best friend, and I, his confidante.
I was invited to Miles’ birthday party in Los Angeles, and nothing could pull them apart. The young look in their eyes, tatty sky blue polo on Miles, and Fred Perry shorts on Alex, it was there when I knew that their love was forever. All the best couples match their early summer wear.
He never stopped thanking me, as if I was a key-holder to his love life. The truth is, seeing someone you love happy with who they are, and who their with is better than anything. But I did nothing to be credited for, he was the one who found himself while finding Miles.
We spent an hour in the kitchen while the party was coming to an end, and Alex hiccuped his way into an emotional verbatim, reminiscing our past. His present and future were filled with all the love, and rock and roll.
A year later, I received a card in the post. It was Alex’s messy writing, posing my name and tiny drunken hearts around it.
‘Together with their parents, Alex Turner & Miles Kane request the honour of your presence, Alexa Chung to celebrate their marriage.’
That was the beginning of their everything, a forever love that was almost too shy to try.